qkbeam
Quiet on the Boards Tonight
It's quiet on the boards tonight
as quiet as can be,
for tonight is Movie Night
and they've all gone without me.
No clever banter, wargie drool,
no orc fights, tales or stories,
no talking weapons or Burping Trolls
to chase away my worries.
I'll try to be a sport and wait.
I'll not moan or sniffle.
I'll get to go another day
and it'll be just...*damn!*
It's quiet on the boards tonight
as quiet as can be.
They've all gone out to get sore butts
and see a talking tree!
I'll try to be a sport and wait.
I'll not moan or sniffle.
I'll get to go another day
and it'll be just... PIFFLE!
March 2002
Aragorn’s Ode to Gondor
Gondor is so stoney
Doo da doo da
Wish I had my throney
Oh da doo da dey
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.2.
A Gloryus Victory Song
No hobbits were slain on that glorious day,
Though the Men of the Mark died in a big way.
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
But the battle was won.
Hurrah! What fun.
(I've killed 41).
With a blah blah blah blahhhhhh!
Our dearly departed and fields strewn with gore...
Hobbits are really quite cute when they snore.
With a blah blah blah blah blahhhhh!
Hey! Cute, cuddly halflings are safely ensconced
in Chapter the Ninth,
so let us advance!
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.8.
Frodo On the Straight Stair
Oh we're all gonna fry
fry
fry!
underneath the eye
eye
eye!
Think I'll just lie
lie
lie
down here for a nice little napzzzzzz
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.8.
Three Songs from the Straight Stairs
Gollum:
My ring, she left ussss, left us and she didn't say why.
I say, My ring, my precioussss, left us and she didn't sssay why.
Gone off with that theivin' hobbit Bagginsss.
Now it'ssss Master's gonna die!
Sam:
I brought some rope sir!
some soft, silky rope sir!
But what's the use of rope
when all you do is sleep and mope sir!
Ohhhh, sweet Frodo! --
Frodo:
I'm goin' to Mordor out to those Cracks of Doom.
(Don't you tell Gollum now)
I'm going' to Mordor, goin' out to those Cracks of Doom
We're alllll gonna die
and watch the world go boom.
Yes, we're in it deep friends,
like Knights of Neep friends,
I think I'll sleep zzzzzzzz zzzplay it again Samzzzzzz
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.8.
Sam's Cirith Ungol Song
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I sit.
It's not at the bottom;
It's not at the top.
But this is the stair
where I want to stop.
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I sit.
He's not at the bottom;
He's not at the top.
So this is the stair,
in the dark who-knows-where,
I fear hope will stop.
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I stand.
I'll search at the bottom;
I'll search at the top.
But this is the stair,
as I love and draw air,
I will never stop.
From the Stupid Ring Parody VI.1.
Russ
Tom Bombadil's SOS Song
NFL, XFL, drink sasparillo
Juan Valdez, Gore for Prez,
Help us Bombadillo!
Ring-a-ding, the plays the thing,
By tooth and fang and arrow,
Charlie Sheen is really keen,
Save us from the Barrow!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.7
Tom Bombadil Banishes the Wight
Hold the pickles hold the lettuce,
Nasty wights, they don't upset us,
Tom's got the mojo, it's in the bag
Turn loose the hobbits you undead nag!
Begone you wights, old Tom is here,
He'll hold your nose and kick your rear!
So get out now and don't come back,
Cause Pippin's hungry and you're the snack!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.8
Gandalf's Defense of Galadriel
Lothlórien is a nice enough place,
If you're an Elf, A Dwarf or a King.
But few indeed are the mortal men's eyeballs,
Who've seen it's weird kind of light.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you!
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
Galadriel is a friend of mine,
and though I've known her for thousands of years,
Gimli here, scored in just a few days,
I could hang him up by his ears,
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.6.
Here I come, straight out of the Shire,
Walkin' tall with Sting,
an a fist full of fire,
I'm the H-O-B TO THE B-I-T
So you better stand back or get a taste of me!
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.9.
Shelob's Song to Sam
I hoped you liked your life says I Shelob,
You'll be sittin' in my belly,
Being twisted into jelly,
And My bulk will surely swell says I, Shelob.
Though you stabbed me and you flayed me,
By the Foul Force that made me,
I will gut you like a pig says I, Shelob!
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.10.
We bid farewell to the barrow blade,
Which the blood of the Nazgul hath unmade.
'Twas wrought of old in Westernesse,
And to the purpose of its making,
allow its end attest.
In the hand of a Half-pint, from the Shire,
Wielded not by hate,
but heart's desire,
No greater blow from men more mighty,
Could have laid that sucker low alrighty!
So fare thee well to the barrow blade,
A more noble sticker hath not been made!
From the Stupid Ring Parody V.6.
Sevilodorf
Seek for the pony we roasted.
On the hilltops it did roam.
But the Bad Warg Mama boasted,
"I've left you nothing but bones."
February 2002
The Wings of Balrog
Support him not
As into the depths
He goes Kerplop.
February 2002
(Paranoia? vs Actually, we are being attacked!)
Flocks of common crows?
Or feathered spies of the enemy?
Reports they make of all they see.
A winter storm on Caradhras?
Or sorcery from a far off land?
Snowy drifts bury all who stand
Wolves howling in the wild?
Or ghostly Wargs sent to this place?
All will vanish, without a trace.
Just a pool of dark water?
Or does evil live in the water deep?
A menace from the depths does creep.
Echoes of footsteps?
Or a slinking figure following our tracks?
Gollum, the creature, is at our backs.
Halls of ancient Khazad-dûm?
Or passages within a tomb?
Listen, there begin the drums of doom.
The cock crows at the break of day --
he stretches out his neck and stiffens his legs.
The siege of Gondor and fell riders are not his concern,
Only his wifely flock and their count of eggs.
February 2002
The Old Burping Troll
Well, come along ya' Orcs and listen to my tale,
I'll tell all my troubles at the Old Burping Troll.
Come a cher-cher-cherry, cherry-B, Cherry-B!
come a cher-cher-cherry, Cherry-B!
with a ten gallon barrel of putrid green pickle,
I'm off to the Troll to win a nickel.
chorus
It's Wednesday night at the Watering Hole,
And I can burp louder than any other troll.
Chorus
Oh, it's pickles and haggis ev'ry day,
I'd be eatin' Meri's chocolate souffle.
chorus
Out came the burp, it was wonderfully loud.
I was strutting my stuff, and feeling so proud.
Chorus
Over by the bar, Ekla went down on the floor.
I could tell she was impressed and couldn't take much more.
chorus
Meri rushed in, waved some chocolate in her face.
but Ekla didn't move, it was a serious case.
chorus
Over in the corner was the orc named Grabhar,
It was a real stroke of luck that he knew CPR.
chorus
Grabhar saved Ekla with a sloppery kiss of life,
and ran off quick when she attacked him with a knife.
Chorus
Well, that's my tale of the Old Burping Troll,
See ya' all later, at the old watering hole.
From The Burping Troll - March 2002
Down in the Tunnel
Down in the tunnel,
Tunnel so dark.
There was a baby.
A baby Jabberwock.
It grabbed up our Wargy,
all covered with fur.
Hugging Warg tightly,
It started to purr.
Wargy thought quickly,
and started to sing,
A lullaby, clearly,
Seemed just the right thing,
Baby got sleepy,
And let Wargy down.
Then Celly Telly Tubbied,
When Baby did frown.
Celly slipped it a towel, then.
All covered with -B,
Baby sucked on it,
And smiled cheerfully.
But Mama didn't like it.
And snatched it away.
Baby started crying,
As we ran away.
Back up the tunnel,
Tunnel so dark,
Away from the fire,
Of Mama Jabberwock
From The Burping Troll - April 2002
Silarien
Boromir's Replacement
I dreamt I stood alone
Upon the banks of the Anduin
A substitute for Boromir
The fellowship in ruin
With Sam and Frodo heading South
The others rushing Westward
I wondered which way I should go
To whom could I do most good
I waved my teddy in the air
And cried a mighty warning
Then sat down in my dressing gown
To wait until the morning
Morning came, but I still sat
Awaiting my awakening
I must admit, I felt a prat
Devoid of armour plating
No helm, no boots, no lembas
And no sheaf to park the teddy
but ... time to choose, I rose real smooth
The brave new Bo was ready
So, I toddled off to Fangorn
With me bunnie slippers flappin'
Though I met some orcs along the way
They all fell dead from laughing
The Entmoot stilled to silence
As I cautiously stepped past them
Looking at me, Quickbeam boomed
"What the POLLINATION'S that then?"
They debated, I drank entdraught
Till my hair stood up on end
Then Treebeard came and asked me
"Was that dead bear once your friend?
The way you treat its body
Makes us think that this is true
And we wondered what the TWIGGIN' AXE
The rabbits did to you?"
As I moved on I was waylaid
By Saruman (and his buddy)
He scratched me with his finger nails
I bashed him with me teddy
They ran away, so I trooped on
The victor of the fight
I came at last to Gondor
And, oh, what a joyful sight
A handsome king, a handsome elf,
Four handsome little hobbits
(Oh, and the wizard Thingy and a
... darn, I've forgot it)
They were heading out to meet me
I could not believe my luck
When - yes - you've guessed
I freakin' well woke up!
February 2002
Gollum's Lunch
There was a little fish
In its own little pool
And it never would swim
With the rest of the school
It had one song
Which it sang all day
So there wasn't any time
To come out and play
It sang very long
And it sang very loud
Till it drove away
The rest of the crowd
'Why am I all alone?'
The little fish thought
Gollum said, 'Oh, precious
You're so easily caught'
May 2002
Some of Tom's Endless Verses
Tom: Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!
Old Man Willow:
I! Hate! Tom! Bombadil! The next thing that comes along
get's turned into jello!!!!!!
Tom: Hey dong! ding a ling! fal lal the willow!
Bad bark! nasty twigs! scrub his roots with Brillo!
Ping pong! tral-la-la! look me boots are yellow!
They'll stamp willow man! Tom's a heavy fellow!
Hey dol! Merry doll! Pippin doll and Samwise!
Frodo doll! Goldberry's mine! keep off your blue eyes!
Table's laid! Grubs up! Hobbit's time for scoffin'!
Football's on the TV! Tom must be a'watching!!!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.6. & I.7.
The Barrow Wight's Song
Cold be hand and heart and bone
and cold be sleep under stone
never more to wake on stony bed
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead
three silly hobbits, let them lie
my cold heart doth the fourth espy
Frodo, your eyes do warm this bed
and Sam can't kill me, I'm already dead
From the Stupid Ring parody I.8
Sam's Troll Song
I'm a grave-robbin' troll
'Cos I've got no meat
And a big fat troll
Really needs to eat
Then along comes Tom
With his big boots on
Says I'm chewing on his Uncle Tim
Now Tim's bones rest
Back where they belong
I prefer fresh flesh
So I've eaten Tom
You should not just stroll
Up and kick a troll
That Tom was terminally dim
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.12.
Theoden's Battle Cry
Get up, jump up, Riders of Theoden
Get down, boogie, out in the garden
Bring on the horses, let's all a'go-go
Where? who cares, just look out for the yo-yo
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.6.
Orthanc
Beneath the mountain's elbow
Within the Wizard's Belt
In an ancient place called Isengard
Saruman the White dwelt
On passing through his well-oiled gate
You once would have seen orchards
Alas, the grass has met its fate
The fruit trees have been tortured
Now there's tents and trailer parks
Portaloos and cardboard
And in the midst, a citadel
A tower thrusting skyward
Orthanc, which in the speech of elves
Would translate into 'palace'
In the blunt language of the Mark
Means something more like 'phallus'
Saruman breeds the Uruk-hai
Who regard him with great dread
But when he's out of ear shot
They call him Orthanc Head
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.8.
At the Black Gate
Day arrived with a sallow sun
And strumpet trumpets squealed
Then strumpet trumpet crumpet
Replied from far a-field
There then arose a rhythmic din
Like a cave troll with a cough
K'dunk, the day shift clocking on
The night shift clocking off
The weary orcs went to their halls
Reclaiming fluffy toys
To cuddle as they fell asleep
'Cos they can't tell girls from boys
The day shift smiled out from the walls
After sleeping round the clock
They risked a bit of lipstick then
They knew what was what
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.3.
Eomer on the Fields of the Pellinor
Don't blub too much
My unc was great
He fell a mighty fall
He felled that old blaack serpent
He's a fella for us all
Wheel dig thait mound
Wheel tuck him in
And then wheel blub some more
He'll have to wait
A little while
Til we've done won this war
From the Stupid Ring Parody V.6.
Eomer's Battle Cry
I came here singing to slay some orc
For orc are easily killed
Nobody mentioned a gigantic hawk
With a twenty foot, tooth-lined bill
There's more types of enemy than I can count
But they keep adding more to the list
If you thought I was mean when I was mad
Just watch what I'm like when I'm pissed
From the Stupid Ring Parody V.6.
Thranduilion
The hobbits' fire starting song
Hi ho, Hi ho,
It's burning faggots we go!
It's wood, you dorks,
Let's go hunt some orcs!
Hi ho, Hi ho!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.10.
A Note From Gandalf
Don't just read the cover of a book
A rotten apple may have a good heart
Rangers are older than they look
They've got sulking down to an art!
He wants to marry an elf
But her dad says he has to be king
Someday he'll live up to himself
But for now he'll just wander and sing!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.10.
Nimrodel
An Elven-maid there lived of old,
With elder sisters two;
Her shining hair in winter cold
She vainly plaited true.
A star she wore between the braids,
A fur-lined cloak above
Fair Nimrodel her sister-maids
Did oft with envy move.
Her sisters once upon her gazed
As under tree she lay;
They snickered long, noses upraised,
And planned cruel tricks to play
Beneath the golden mallorn tree
By falls of Nimrodel
The elder two crept quietly
To toss her in the well!
Where now the youngest is none know,
In sunlight or in shade:
For Nimrodel was banished so
E'en while the prank was played.
That dreadful day her elder kin
While envy shook their hearts
Each took an arm, and tossed her in
The roaring river parts.
A wind rose quickly from the deep
And up the roaring fall
Fair Nimrodel with anger steep
Soared high with dreadful call.
Her siblings trembled in their spot
For now they saw, too late -
Their little sister's wrath was wrought
With power, and with hate.
The river rose to meet her cry,
And snatching up the two,
It flung them down and tossed them high
Their pranks all to redo.
"Oh, mercy!" cried the soggy pair
As helplessly they soared
Around, around in frosty air -
But Nimrodel was bored.
Her eyes flashed brightly, fierce and fell,
Like starlight dark and dank;
She turned away to end the spell,
And tarried on the bank.
They shivered thrice and crawled to her,
With fearful, trembling eyes.
She raised a hand, doom to declare;
A shriek rose in the skies!
Their mother came with shrieks most fell
And bold fist raised on high
"What did I tell you, Nimrodel?!
Get gone, come never nigh!"
Protesting long, the elven-maid
Did glare with visage fey.
But mother's word was not unsaid;
She fumed and stalked away.
She traveled long: her deeds are now
By bards sung in the sun.
It is not here remembered how
Or if her story's done.
For where she wanders none can tell
But all who follow, hark!
Learn from the Lay of Nimrodel
No fair one's wrath to spark.
From the Stupid Ring Parody II.6.
Two messages from Galadriel
There now lives a Man from the West,
Who grows too much hair on his chest.
A dark door will he find
That the Dead live behind;
They'll follow him only if pressed.
To Legolas Greenleaf I give this advice
(Though I know he'll ignore it without thinking twice)
If thou hearest the gulls on that far ocean shore
Thou shan't be content in the woods anymore
So, elf of the woodlands stay far from the sea
Or if thou goest there, don't come whining to me.
By Thran and Idril
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.5.
Faramir's Lament
Oh Boromir, bro-mine,
Where now has your horn got to?
Where is your uni and where your pajamas?
The ones with the little duckies all on them?
O Boromir, bro-mine,
When again will we wrestle?
When again will you put salt in my tea?
My tears are now the only salt for my tea.
O Boromir, bro-mine,
You could have been the Steward
And pretend to be King just like Daddy did.
But you had to go and get yourself slaughtered.
Typical.
From the Stupid Ring Parody IV.5
