Idril Celebrindal
A Nazgul's Valentine
Violets are Blue
Roses are Red
I'd make love to you darling,
If I wasn't dead.
February 2002
Ode to a Uruk-hai
Forgive me beloved, if I refuse you a kiss
For your teeth are sharp and bright
I think my jugular you would not miss
Should I come within the reach of your bite.
Forgive me beloved, if I avoid your eyes
For they tell me you're malicious and spiteful
If you'll turn just a bit so that I can see your thighs
That's the part of you that's truly delightful.
February 2002
My Stinkin' Love Poem
To Narsilia
What's he got that I ain't got?
Is it that big impressive role?
Does the fact that I have no role at all
make that much difference?
Bitter tears I cry
through the long summer nights
big drippy ones.
With Morrisettian rage I scream
until blood trickles off my nose.
What's he got that I ain't got?
I look at myself
in the harsh bathroom mirror.
Oh crap.
But see?
I wrote you a freakin' poem
I put tears in it, cause I know you like 'em
(even though my ex-poet ex
says poets shouldn't ever)
I tried to put some obscure stuff in it
All I could think of was "Morrisettian".
Isn't that good enough?
What's he got that I ain't got?
Sheesh!
July 2002
Viggo's eyes and voice are rare
They can make you melt in a puddle
But Karina fair has much better hair
And my Sweetie's the best for a cuddle.
July 2002
A Nazgul's Riddle
(The Actual Method of Torture Used on Gollum)
I'm bright and gold
and really quite old
I'm not a horse
I'm a ring of course
I was stolen from my very good buddy
Oh who did it? My memory's all muddy!
And where did he take me? Oh what a mess
For I can't seem to remember the address
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.1.
Sam's Song about Gil-Galad
Gil-Galad was a King of ancient times
But sadly now the harpers sing these rhymes
He very bravely rode forth to Mount Doom
He fought with Sauron, now he's in a Tomb
If you ever, ever wish that you were King,
Remember that it's not always a wonderful thing!
If you've wanted to be king since you were a lad
Remember the story of poor King Gil-Galad!
Poor Gil-Galad! He was mashed into a pulp,
His eyes were gouged out and his elbows broken,
His kneecaps were split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, poor King Gil-Galad!
His head was smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.11.
Faramir's Dream
Seek ye the heirloom of Isildur king
Cousin of your sire's sire's sire.
Although it be a broken, sad thing
It can be fixed with a hot enough fire.
Seek ye the bane of Isildur king
Uncle of your great grandpa Nate.
Although it be but a little thing
Gondor's future depends on its fate.
Seek ye these things in Imladris far
Travel through danger and fear
Set your sights on the Northern star
But whatever you do, don't send Boromir.
From the Stupid Ring Parody II.2.
Frodo's Lament for Gandalf
When evening in the Shire was grey
his footsteps told us he was back
before the dawn he went away
our silver jingling in his pack
From Wilderland to Western shore
from northern waste to southern hill
through humblest cot and richest door
with muddy boots he tramped at will
Of Dwarves and Hobbits, Elves and Men
of bird on bough and even mice
He knew each secret thought and sin
and kept them secret, for a price
A sob story, an empty hand
a back bent beneath its load
most charming voice in all the land
a weary pilgrim on the road
A lord of wisdom throned he sat
swift in anger, quick to mirth
an old man in a battered hat
quick as a wink, he'd take your shirt
An ancient evil he defied
fire and shadow gone amuck
in Khazad-Dûm his wisdom died
his creditors are out of luck
From the Stupid Ring Parody II.7.
MedicRN18
HO Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
You saved our hides from the willow
Now once again we're in a jam
Please come pull us out of the frying pan!
From the Stupid Ring Parody I.8.
Merithehobbit
Hi Ho
Hi ho... whatever they said..
Can't make up songs in my little head..
Tri-diddle dee diddle hey piddle poo..
Elves are so pretty even I'd say I DO!
From The Burping Troll - March 2002
Meri's Valiant Song
A Valiant fight was won, was won...
The Elves were fierce, like burning sun...
Happy Hobbits watched with food...
But some are sad, and want to brood...
But lift your spirits, my dearest ones...
The Elves have helped us tons and tons...
And Meri's here, all nice and clean...
With plates of food as none have seen...
For piled up high before you now...
Is food of kinds only she knows how...
To make and bake, and fill up bellies...
To eat away, all thoughts of the smellies...
For we have won, have won my friends...
And though adventures come to ends...
We meet, and talk and eat of course...
And have no room in hearts for remorse...
So eat.. eat, eat... fill up, feel good...
Meri the hobbit cooks as she should...
For talents to share, and friends to be made...
Makes everyone happy...all come to each's aid!
La, la, la.. twee..diddly dum...
Can't think of anymore..hope my song isn't too dumb!
From The Burping Troll - April 2002
A Riding Song Of Rohan
This is the way the Ladies ride
Trit, trot, trit, trot.
This is the way the Gentleman ride
Gallop a Trot, Gallop a Trot.
This is the way the Farmers ride
Hobbledee-hoy, Hobbledee-hoy.
This is the way the Rohan Ride..
Duh duh dunt, duh duh dunt, duh duh dunt, dunt dunt..(lone ranger)
From the Stupid Ring Parody III.2
Milo Burfoot
Just A Guy From Gondor
I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my home.
Oh I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my home.
I am part of the Fellowship of the thing
I can't ever remember if its a necklace or a ring
I'm just a guy from Gondor.
Cause Gondor is my hoooooooooome
July 2002
Narsilia
Stinkin' Sweet
Oh Idril dear - alas I fear
I really am a flirt
In all the pomp and circumstance
I've treated you like dirt!
So gracefully you tickle me
With wit so warm and true
No longer could I wait - my dear
I had to "Viggo" you!
July 2002
When in the light of poverty
of thought and mind in reverie
they say you are wandering aimlessly
Just lift up your dress and flash them.
August 2002
Pippin the Elf
12 Days of LOTR Christmas
On the first day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
A hobbit to go far away.
On the second day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the third day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Three pipes for smoking
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the fourth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Four blades for slashing
Three pipes for smoking
Two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the fifth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the sixth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the seventh day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the eighth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the ninth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the tenth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Ten Dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away
On the eleventh day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Eleven Balrogs flying
ten dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away.
On the twelfth day of Christmas J. Tolkien gave to me:
Twelve yummy mushrooms
eleven Balrogs flying
ten dwarves a-delving
nine walkers walking
eight staffs for Gandalf
seven broken carrots
six smelly rangers
five loopy elves
four blades for slashing
three pipes for smoking
two pints of ale
and a hobbit to go far away!
March 2002
Ode to Virtual Cookies
Virtual cookies are the best
They never burn or make a mess
Eat some and then do have some more
They make you happy to your core
Virtual cookies are such fun
They don't add fat, so you can run
Pippin loves them oh so much
do sit down and have a munch
Pippin's cookies are so good
They taste better than Elijah Wood
And adding ale makes them quite nice
(Though Pippin adds ale to even her, um, rice)
And so, as it has been decided
Virtual cookies have not subsided
they come on platters and they flow
To happy patrons who don't want to go.
From The Burping Troll - May 2002
The Burping Troll
The Burping Troll-ah what a place
for every kind of Middle-Earth race
The cuddly-elves, and pervy hobbits too
It could be the right place for you!
Eating cookies all day long
Pippin stops to sing her song
While all the pub joins in with glee
We sing in perfect harmony
The Warg is hungry(that's no surprise)
So feed her, lest you be unwise
And Aerio is acting strange
must be those 'shrooms, his senses are all rearranged
Going on adventures far
Under the kitchen of our bar
And while the map says "don't go here"
We skip to there without a fear
Because we are a happy group
Down dark passages we do troop
Singing and eating all day long
Won't you come and join our song?
From The Burping Troll - May 2002
