AlohaSurfinSista
The Halfling Homeboys
Frodo is now a super hero, but a bad boy gone good.
He used to ransack villages and burn neighborhoods.
Oh yes, he was a truly evil hobbit, he was one bad seed.
He was part of a gang that liked to steal (and smoke) good weed.
They corrupted the little children and giving the rowdy ones a kick,
Sending them out to play in the street with pointed sticks.
So then his mum and his daddy sent him to live with Bilbo,
Hoping he would change his ways or it was to Hell he'd go!
And luckily he did, and became a good boy,
Along with him was Merry, Pippin, and a nobody named Roy.
And I guess people thought he really did change for the better,
When he started sporting a nancy-boy plaid sweater.
Gandalf gave him guidance, but he could only do so much,
For Frodo still had his Hell's Hobbits jacket and he still liked to cuss.
And he got his peer mediator, Sam, into the smoking scene,
And he said it was the 'ring' that was making him so mean.
"Bad Boys never change" was what the hobbits said,
"Let's go get the punk and stone him till he's dead!"
But then the Nazguls moved into town and Frodo didn't seem so bad,
So they let him go get rid of the Ring, for it was making them all sad.
The Nazguls were evil brutes, no one's buddy indeed,
They said naughty words and started great stampedes.
They were horrable druggies, always getting so high,
with needles and bongs and sticks made of tie.
It was a horrid state, worst then the ruffians!
So it seemed it was all up to Frodo and the gang, then,
To set right was Sauron had done,
To think, and to him, it was all great fun!
So they took the ring and chucked it into Mt. Doom,
And they made happyful the land of a lotta gloom.
And they watched Arwen and Aragorn get married and sh!t,
Thinking all the while, What screwed up kids they'll get!
And all was yea-ful on the most part of Middle Earth,
And it seemed like an age of glorious new birth!
Everyone was happy and liked to frolick down the street,
And though Frodo tried, he kept tripping over his feet!
And to conclude what happened, it should be known
That Frodo left Middle Earth as Aragorn took the throne.
Sam was an excellent mayor, and adopted ten cats,
Merry was arrested for a D.U.I., imagine that....
Pipin was voted to become some sort of official, and it seemed hardly effected,
But it was found he was a gambler on the Middle Black Market, so he was.... uh.... unelected.
And other stuff happened, but it was all in good fun,
so that's it, i'm done, God bless you, every one!
September 2002
Aneya26
And so said the Malbeth Seer...
Round about the dead paths go
So must Isildur's heir be thrown
Stand, they by the Erech Stone
Oathbreakers are more than thirty-one
By the king they will be got
Then move yer arse before it's shot
Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn, and marshes bubble
From the StupidRing Parody V.2.
Bad Warg Mama
A Purely Egomaniacal Poem
"I know, let's play ignore the warg
Perhaps she'll go away."
"Sure, go ahead and try," says she,
*Plants butt* "I think I'll stay."
The other's sigh, they roll their eyes
They start another thread.
But BadWargMama fluffs her coat
And fills them all with dread.
"What will we do? What can we say
To make the fur brain leave?"
She snorts and lolls her bright red tongue.
Her teeth they do perceive.
"Oh woe, oh no, then we must go."
They pack their Tolkien tomes,
And leave the bad warg all alone
And so go to their homes.
"Oh, but wait! We mustn't leave, that
Warg sits in cyber space.
The bright white teeth and drooling tongue
Won't hurt us in that place."
So back they go to slander row
And ask her nicely please,
"Will you behave? We'll let you stay.
We didn't mean to tease."
"Oh har, and har, twas jolly fun
I cannot leave you now.
The party starts at half past one
You bring the puppy chow."
February 2002
A Warg's Valentine
Wolves can howl and sing under starry moon;
Yellow eyes adore you yearning for love.
Bright teeth rip hearts from breasts and make you swoon;
Your foes entrails hang glist'ning from above.
You run away I cannot understand
What I did wrong and why you fear me so?
Please believe I'm here and at your command
And death for love is only apropos.
My teeth for love is what I offer you;
No fat'ning choc-o-late nor wilting bloom.
What wargs do best is the best I can do.
Hate reduces me to despairing gloom
I'm over it! I'll eat my valentine
You had your chance and I'm not one to whine.
February 2002
Erin's Bad Day
That darkly, dismal day,
the show she could not see
So she returned her way
the last time it could be
in sorrow she returned
to her lonesome abode
For "Fellowship" she yearned
As she sped down the road
the mirror to her dismay
did flash in blue and red
Road cop it did display
and filled her heart with dread
She pulled to the roadside
It could not get much worse
unless she up and died
and went home in a hearse
Her drivers license and
auto registration
insurance proof in hand
sat in resignation
The law came to her door
and glared in icy scorn
no mercy her face wore
poor Erin felt forlorn
"You were going too fast."
The officer accused.
Erin sat there aghast
By this she was confused
She had been very sure
Speedometer had read
For reasons quite obscure
The speed limit it said.
But it was of no use
The ticket was still hers
There just was no excuse
when misfortune occurs.
With ticket in her lap
she sadly drove away
and left that smiling sap
to spoil another's day.
Officer unaware
Who tormented my friend
Of warg you should beware
You'll make a tasty end.
February 2002
I'm BA-ack
Bilbo thot he'd write a book
his 'ventures to record,
but when he read the book out loud
most folks - they just got bored.
So off he went to see the elves
in hopes that they would be
a better crowd to hear his poems
and not be put to sleep.
They tucked him in a little room
and gave him lots of praise
he thot himself quite the one
to start the little craze.
So when the ring he once had found
showed up in elven town.
He hoped another 'venture his
so he could write it down.
But no one liked his little plan
and gave his ring away
Now he has to wait until the
tale comes back his way.
February 2002
No Coffee
They have no coffee in the shire
nor chocolate in Bree
No Starbucks found in Rivendell
They only serve hot tea.
Espresso is unheard of in
the whole of Middle Earth.
Cafe latte cannot be found
of mocha there's a dearth.
Weed and tea are not enough
To keep this old girl wired.
I cannot live in Middle Earth
When caffeine is required.
February 2002
Poor, Poor Boromir
He'd like to try the One Ring on some time.
So he his land and people could protect.
He's sure it would not be so bad a crime,
and might not have on him the same effect.
Instead they gave it to that fuzzy child.
Hobbit he's called, tho' childish he seems.
But Frodo's tough and quick when he gets riled,
And sees right through Lord Boromir's slick schemes.
In great remorse he fought then had his rest,
While plucking orcish arrows from his breast.
February 2002
See the Orkies Run
The day was dark our hearts were grim
We thought all good was done,
But then the horse king had a whim
To see the orkies run.
He set upon Field Pelennor
his riders all and one
They laughed and sang and so much more
And made the orkies run.
The wraith king tried to slow the tide
and spoil all the fun.
By girl and hobbit, black hope died
Then did those orkies run.
In part because their hearts were true
The war was fin'ly won.
The real reason we know is due
To seeing orkies run.
February 2002
The Mournful Warg
The wolves and wargs did slowly while away
While watching dwarves and elves grow fat and strong
it happened then one fine December day
nine folk appeared where they did not belong
who could not blame the wolves for howling then
a feast so fine, a blessing from the north
That Elrond dude by canines thought a friend
because from Rivendell the feast came forth
but, dang, the food did not cooperate.
by fire and dart for food they had to wait.
February 2002
The Mustard of Rohan
You've probably heard the Rohirrim do love
Their horses more than anything hold dear,
But there is news from Harrowdale above,
With ale and bread it gives their hearts more cheer.
'What can it be?' you ask before you faint.
'Tis mustard gold upon their dogs they eat.
Other folk blanch and find the habit quaint,
But nothing tastes so lovely on their meat.
So take the horse and take the spear and shield.
Mustard of Rohan flows upon the field.
February 2002
The Warg' s Moon Song
I'm singing to the moon
Ah woo-woo-woo
This is opportune
Ah woo-woo-woo
In BT's saloon
Ah woo-woo-woo
Everyone will swoon.
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Sausages I ate
Ah woo-woo-woo
they were really great
Ah woo-woo-woo
for flatulence we wait
Ah woo-woo-woo
will Ekla get irate?
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
the elves it will harass
Ah woo-woo-woo
They think that it is crass
Ah woo-woo-woo
they all cry alas
Ah woo-woo-woo
When wargy has some gas
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
When lil hobbits toot
Ah woo-woo-woo
we all think its cute
Ah woo-woo-woo
beware the wargy's fruit
Ah woo-woo-woo
the smell will be acute
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Oh boy here it comes
Ah woo-woo-woo
better get the tums
Ah woo-woo-woo
before the warg succumbs
Ah woo-woo-woo
and smelly she becomes
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Warg emptied out the bar
Ah woo-woo-woo
they're running near and far
Ah woo-woo-woo
They think it is bizarre
Ah woo-woo-woo
the smell is beyond par
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
I'm howling at the moon
Ah woo-woo-woo
it is a lonely tune
Ah woo-woo-woo
it's over far too soon
Ah woo-woo-woo
alone in the saloon.
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-oo-oo
Ah woo-woo-woo-ooo-ooooo-ooo-ooooo-ooo-wooooo-ooo-ooooo
Well, so much for a wild party tonite . . . so where's that haggis . . . not much on the floor to eat . . . hm . . . ah, well hm, I think there's more sausages . . . yea-a-a-ah . . . yummy . . .
February 2002
The Wargs will Howl
The wargs will howl. The wolves, they yowl.
The Orcs make such a clatter,
The dragons rise up from their beds
to see what is the matter.
The elves shall dance, the dwarves can prance,
The hobbits drink the ale.
The Kings enthroned just scratch their heads
And Queens: they all turn pale
The wizards cringe, the ents unhinge,
Gollum got the giggles.
In the forest dark and dank the
Spiders got the wiggles.
The stars and moon likely will swoon
Just then Mount Doom erupts.
What's the cause of all this trauma?
Sauron's got the hiccups.
February 2002
Watch what you eat
The chief of the wolves was old Carcharoth,
Who ingested a silmaril in hand.
The rock turned his innards into a froth,
And in agony could not understand.
Heartburn induced by ingesting a stone
Seemed strange to his primitive lupine brain.
Doctors diagnosed his hurt overblown
so he ate them to better ascertain.
They found the cause of Carcharoth's travails
was the scum under Beren's fingernails.
February 2002
Wraith Halitosis
Somebody give that wraith a mint
His breath we cannot bear
And please give the old boy a hint
about his dental care.
The girls and guys all faint away
Whenever he's around
Black breath, it's called, is so cliché
Sweet breath is more profound.
February 2002
Warg's Howl
ken sing as good as Sev
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
She may wail but she can't howl
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
Wargy kiss for this one song
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO
Now give the poor ole girl a towel ...
AH-WOOOOO-OOOOOO-OOOOO...
From The Burping Troll - March 2002
Song for Aerio
There once was an elf from a far-away land,
Who tho't he should ask a fair maid for her hand,
He did get that fair hand right smack cross his face,
Be-cause the elf's mum nev-er taught him his place.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Troll Trolly.
He came to the Troll thinking he'd get a drink,
If he isn't careful he'll be minding the sink,
Cause Meri the hobbit's a pub cleaning freak,
The Burping Troll Pub is so clean it can squeak.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Troll Trolly.
He met several elves and a hobbit or two,
There're orcs and a Balrog to mention a few,
The best of the rest is the bad Warg so drear,
Has everyone trem'blin' with horrible fear.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
The Warg took a lick'n to the newbie elf prince,
But the elf by sheer luck or co-inc-i-dence,
Avoided her pounce, she went down in a flounce.
The whole pub loves elves who can the wargy trounce.
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Everybody:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Again:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
Again:
Oh fa-la-la-lolly an elf and his folly,
Oh ho-lo-lo-drolly in the Burpin' Trolly.
From The Burping Troll - March 2002
Jabberwock
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Who'd a' tho't the brillig elves,
A jubjub bird could catch,
Or that the mimsy hobbits
Could flush a bandersnatch.
Thru gyre and gimble, gloom and gore,
A vorpal blade the young elf bore,
gallumphing thru the jabber's door,
Snicker-snack, hick 'n hack,
Jabberwock was not but thatch.
With that the adventure was o'er ...
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
But No! Wiffling in the dark
a frumious chortle
Stopped the maties in their tracks
Beside the dark portal
Poor wargie hid her head in shame
The uffish stench erased all blame
Then from the tugly shadows came
Mom of Jabberwocky who
Carroll made immortal
The jaws that bite, the eyes of flame.
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Who'd a' tho't the brillig elves,
could ever run so fast.
Or that the mimsy hobbits
refuse to be repast,
O frabjous day! Callooh Callay!
All but the warg did run away,
And still upon the ground she lay
The Jabberwocky mother
stood over her and asked
Would you play with Jab today?
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
Then Jabberwock in mome raths
covered in CherryB
Shyly slipped from 'hind his mom
and frabjous wargy see.
He clapped his claws in beamish joy
Scooped up that brillig furry toy
A warg the Jabber would employ
unless her friends came back soon
forever she would be.
Playmate for Jabberwocky boy
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
A Jabberwock, a jabberwock!
We found a jabberwock!
From The Burping Troll - March 2002
The Ballad of Celebsul
Once Celebsul was a grand ole elf
and a grand ole elf was he,
But he tried one day to 'scape his chores
and the rest is history.
He found a stick left in some ole chest
and he waved it in the air
what happened then was that all the rest
of the gang saw he wern't there.
They all looked high and the warg looked low
But the only thing they found
Was a poor smeared frog from Ekla's blow
and a stick upon the ground
Then Aerio tried to kiss his friend
o, but much to our dismay
Tho' he puckered up and risked Cel's grin
He's not to be saved that way.
Then Merithehobbit waved the stick
A puff of smoke and a zap.
Celebsul gave his long ear a flick.
and Hopped into Sevil's lap.
One more time the young elf tried to save
the bunny Cel' with a kiss
Meri gave the magic stick a wave ...
From The Burping Troll - April 2002
Wargy Blues
My 'puter is dead - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Got kicked in the head - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Din't back up my disk - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Was takin' a risk - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
My hubby's so mean - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
I'm on his machine - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
But it makes him mad - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
Thinks I'm being bad - Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
The bluu-uues! got the Wargy bluuuuues
From The Burping Troll - May 2002
Hey, ho, weepy and woe
The King is in his grave,
Along with those fellahs we liked so well,
That used to be so brave.
But that's okay, we don't mind,
The rest of us are fine.
So break out the ale, the mead, the beer,
And give the ladies some wine.
"Wait a minute," the old guys say,
"Why aren't you fellahs sad?"
"Because, because, you silly old gents,
The livin' aint's so bad!"
They rode and fought and fought and slew,
And killed a lot of orcs.
The rest of us all stood and watched
Heck, We shore aint the dorks.
They fin'ly got themselves all kilt
And left the field in ruin,
Then after all the blood was spilt
Their fun'rel we're a doin'.
From the Stupid Ring Parody V.6.
Ben the Bard
The Lay of Lethargy
(With contributions from Ekla Ruel)
The leaves were short, The grass was dead,
The milkweed flowers gross and drear.
And to this field, a man was lead,
In sunlight capering Joyfully!
Tinuviel was standing here,
With sword in hand and helm on head,
And watched him frolicking like a deer,
With her eyes rolled back annoyfully!
Yes Beren came from mountains cold,
And wiped his nose upon his sleeves,
Where boogersicles soon took hold,
And scratched him kinda painfully!!
She saw the boogers on his sleeves,
And once again her big eyes rolled,
She watched his lumbering duffus dweevs,
And her lip did curl disdainfully!!
The grasses withered, at his feet,
That through the mire were doomed to roam,
And away she choked on stumbling feet,
As she caught the first smells wiffleing!
Through woven wood to Elven home
Did waft the odor of those feet,
And she wished her watering eyes were stone,
As her nose with pain was sniffling!
She smelt him ever, as the ground,
Did groan of toes like Limburg cheese,
And creatures lay for miles around,
To gasp their last breath huffling!
And then she thought, with feet like these,
We'll steal the gems from Morgoth's crown,
And send all Angband to its knees,
If I could just Stop snuffling!!!
She sought out ever, near and far,
Some kind of mask, her nose to ease,
That smell must reach, the highest star,
She thought, as she trudged grumbling!
Upon her quest, She saw where trees,
That once were tall, drooped limp and hoar,
For surely Beren passed near these,
Where Elk and bear reeled stumbling!!!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
At last upon a cure she came,
And found it in the strangest spot!
For where gross foulness was to blame
She tip-toed rather cautiously.
As there upon the ground did rot,
A cheesiness which seemed the same,
To Beren's odour which was hot!
But smelt it she un-nauseously?
So picked it up, did she and place
Upon her countenance so pure.
Over her head and hair did lace,
The globules sticking slimily.
So joyed was she, to find this cure,
Forgot she to a mirror face.
Tinuviel's captivating lure,
Was now bedecked quite grimily!!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
Now swiftly after him she came,
Her own aroma now concealed,
His smell that once she thought so game,
Her nostrils no more troubling!!
And all things fled, as on she came
About her feet, withered the field,
And when her toes touched waters tame,
There rose a noisome bubbling!!
Lonely the way, their fate them bore,
And mountains crumbled where they strayed,
The hall of iron, and darkling door,
Gave way as they came bumbling!
The Orcs upon their faces lay,
And Balrogs skuffled for the door,
As Morgoth threw his crown away,
And ran gasping and stumbling!!
The sundering seas between them lay,
To Oromë's woe the fish Still smell!
And will until the final day,
When all's unmade regretfully!
But all, as they say, ended well,
when long ago they walked away,
And where they live is known too well,
Though we'd rather live forgetfully!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
Much thankful we, on lucky star,
That never our way should they come.
For still they wander kingdoms far,
And may they wander Distantly!!
"Whole legions fell!" the Minstrels strum,
"In Lethargy All!!" quoth the Bard.
And rankling, noisome mists, still hum,
While they walk on resistantly!
February 2002
I Sit Beside the Mire
I sit beside the mire and think
Of animals I've seen,
Of Rotting road-killed Squirels
Or some other long dead thing
Of yellowed Bloated Carrion
In gutters that there were,
With Yellow Jackets and bottleflies
And foulness on the air.
I sit beside the mire and think
Of how the world will be
When I can walk upon the street
No matted pelt to see.
For still there are so many things
That I have never seen:
On every road, in every burg
Some beast lies turning green.
I sit beside the mire and think
Of Raccoons long ago,
And flattened Skunks upon a road
Where I shall never go.
But all the while I sit and think
Of dead beasts from before,
I catch a wiff of things like this,
Run in and lock the door.
January 2003
