(aneya26)
"Happy" Narrator: Frodo was aroused by Sam. He found that he was lying, unwapped, under some trees!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dude! It's right there on the first page!!
"Real" Narrator: *ahem*
"Happy" Narrator: Okay, so I'm seeing the world through randy pervy-hobbit fancier glasses. So the above was MY interpretation of the script. : P NaNYA!! I think we should keep it.
(Idril)
Real Narrator: I think not! It should go like this... Frodo was roused by Sam. He found that he was lying, well tied with Sam's new elvish rope to a tall grey-skinned tree in a quiet corner of the woodlands on the west bank of the Great River, Anduin. After a long argument (in which Frodo failed to appreciate the artistry of Sam's handiwork), Sam released him and they were able to start on their way again before the day was broad.
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator [shoving the Real Narrator out of the way] (whisperswhisper what's a real narrator doing in a parody, anyway?): Ahem. So the still remaining members of the Fellowship-
Boromir: What's that supposed to mean? You make it sound like we're dropping like flies! Pfft. Like we're gonna lose anybody ELSE on this journey. We're not THAT-
Odd Narrator[interrupting]: CONTINUED THEIR JOURNEY down the Anduin. Aragorn let them drift with the stream, husbanding their strength.
Merry: [snicker] He said husbanding. [snork]
Odd Narrator: At one time the travelers looked up and saw a great phal-
Pippin: [SNORK] Hey, Merry, he just said-
Odd Narrator: PHALANX!!! It means- aw, heck. That's it, I give up. PN, you wanna take over? [storms off]
Pompous Narrator: Ah, then, where were we? Oh, it's Frodo's line, anyway. Take it away!
Frodo: I'm homesick! This land is empty and mournful. I wish I hadn't come on this quest.
Sam: [heave]
Aragorn: [sigh] Don't talk so loudly. The orcs that live around here like to practice shooting at each other across the wide river here, and we don't want to encourage them.
Frodo: Huh?
Sam[to himself]: The riverbank is so empty, I feel like, afloat in these here little boats we're just so naked-
Pippin and Merry [in the next boat over]: [SNORKsnicker]
Sam: Oh, leave it alone, you two.
Pompous Narrator: During the long and arduous hours on the River, the Company was for the most part silent, busy with their own thoughts.
Legolas (to himself): I am busy with my own thoughts of starlight on a summer night.
Gimli: Yeah, right. [snorf] [to himself] Hm, I wonder if I could hammer a box out of gold for the Lady's hair.
Merry and Pippin (to themselves, ill at ease): We are ill at ease.
Boromir: muttermuttermutter [bites his nails] [eyes gleam queerly]
Pippin [to Boromir]: Why do you have a queer gleam in your eye when you look at Frodo? [snicker] I said 'queer.'
Sam [to himself]: I am terribly uncomfortable in these boats. I'm terribly drowsy, too. They won't let me row at all. [pout] Say, what's that! [sits up abruptly and rubs his eyes] A log with eyes! Hmmm. I must tell Mr. Frodo tonight. After I tie him up again . . . oh wait, he didn't like that so much, did he?
Pompous Narrator: Occupied with these thoughts, the company was borne slowly southwards in their tiny boats. That night they camped on the western bank. Sam's was rolled in his blankets beside Frodo. He had not managed to get out the rope yet, but-
Frodo: What was that?
PN: Ooops.
Sam: What was what, Mr. Frodo? You know, I saw something funny just before we stopped. You want me to tell you about it? [wink]
Frodo: [sigh]
Sam: It was mighty queer, Mr. Frodo! Funny queer, you might say. Yes, very queer indeed.
Frodo: You going somewhere with this?
Sam: I saw . . . the BARMAID!
[pause]
Frodo: She got eaten by the Watcher, remember?
Sam: Oh, yes, my mistake. What I actually saw seems rather silly now that I think about it. It was a log with eyes! And I'm sure it had a frowny face, too. Looked rather like this:
[[[[[]] )-8
Frodo: Hey, how'd you do that?
Sam: It's a web-based parody, Mr. Frodo. We can do all sorts of things. Speaking of which, I've got this rope here in my pack . . .
Frodo: AHEM! But the log with eyes, now . . . I would say you were a few crumbs short of a lembas cake and just a few steps from frothing at the mouth and staring at white padded walls-
Sam: [GASP]
Frodo: -except for the fact that I've been hearing a pattering behind us since Moria. So unless I'm as far gone as you aren't, there's something behind us.
Sam: Do you suppose it might be [whispers] whatshisname?!!!
Frodo: [whispering] Why are you whispering?
Sam: [still whispering] Because we're not moving the plot along very quickly and I thought some dramatic tension might help!
Frodo: Oh. Well, that's because the narrator's on break. Let's squish the next part together. Aragorn ought to wake up now.
Eyes on the bank: [gleam]
Aragorn: Mmmmm, shnookie pookie mutter mmm hmm? Huh?! Oh, Frodo! Why have you drawn your sword?
Frodo: I haven't.
Sting: [whing] I'm out!
Frodo: Oh, shush. Okay, so I have now. I think Gollum's around. I'm sure I saw his creepy gleaming eyes down there.
Eyes on the bank: [gleam creepily]
Aragorn: Ah, yes. Gollum. I knew about him a long time ago.
Anduril [to Sting]: He didn't. Never said anything to ME about it. Hmph. Bet he didn't know.
Frodo: Whatever. Hey, it's the-
[time warp]
Frodo: -next evening already! How time flies.
Odd Narrator: Okay, I'm back. They'd better behave this time. Oh, what? Right, I was just getting there. So the next evening, the two men were standing on a hill, looking northwards. Bickering, as usual. The rest of the company was standing around nearby.
Hobbits: [standstandstandstand]
Legolas and Gimli: [standstandwhispersnicker]
Aragorn [pointing far into the distance]: That's an eagle.
Boromir: Is not. How would you be able to tell at this dist-
Aragorn: Don't question my leadership. It's an eagle.
Boromir: Is not.
Aragorn: Is too.
Boromir: Is not!
Aragorn: Is too!
Boromir: Is not!
Aragorn: Is- Hey, Leggy, look over there in the northern sky!
Legolas: Huh? DON'T CALL ME- Oh, look, an eagle!
Aragorn: See, told you so.
Boromir: muttermuttermutter [bites nails]
Merry: I wonder if it's Gwaihir!
Aragorn: Yeah, right. What would Gwaihir be doing this far south?
Merry: Maybe Gandalf's been returned to Middle Earth by the Valar and Gwaihir is rescuing him from a mountaintop where he lay weak and naked and carrying him to Lothlorien to be cared for and healed and reclothed in white by the Lady Galadriel!
[pause]
Entire Company[including Merry]: HAWHAHAWHAWHAWHAHAHA!
[snorf][snicker][guffaw]
Frodo [wiping tears from his eyes]: Oh, Merry, I haven't laughed that hard since Rivendell. Rescued! Reclothed in white! That's a good one!!! [snork][gasp]
Pippin: What are the Valar?
(BunnieBugs)
Frodo: You mean you STILL haven't done your homework?
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: They did not start again until it was fully dark.
Aragorn: Hey, that's my line!
Odd Narrator: Shut up, royal wannabe.
(BunnieBugs)
Aragorn: We'll journey one more time by night. I've never been down this stretch of river before, but it's probably dangerous. Sam, lie in the front of the boat and keep an eye out for razor sharp rocks and stuff.
[Collective *GASP!*]
Aragorn: Psyche! Ha! Just kidding. I'm sure the rapids are still far ahead. Just the same, Sam needs to keep watch for us.
Sam: *groans* Oh, I do hate boats. At least this way I'll be in a better position if I have to hurl again.
Odd Narrator: They drifted for some time, barely paddling, when suddenly Sam cried out:
Sam: AAAAAHH!
Odd Narrator: As they were swept aside, they could see the river foaming against sharp rocks.
Boromir: Dude! I thought you said the rapids were far ahead!
Aragorn: So I was wrong! Sue me! Wanna argue about it now, or get outta here?!
All: Get outta here!!!!
Odd Narrator: With great effort, they turned their boats, and were carried near the eastern bank. Suddenly...
[Sounds of twanging bowstrings and whooshing arrows.]
Frodo: AAIIEEE! Right between the shoulder blades! Remind me to thank you later, Mithril coat!
Mithril coat: No problem!
Sam: Arrows everywhere! And look, on the shore: black figures!
Legolas: Yrch!
Gimli: Gesundheit!
Legolas: No, no! Orcs!
Gimli: Oh. Why didn't you say so?
Odd Narrator: They paddled furiously to pull away from the eastern bank. After much laboring, they succeeded in reaching the western shore, where they rested in the shadow of some overhanging bushes.
Legolas: I'm going ashore to have a look! [bounds out of the boat clutching his Kalishnikov assault rifle.]
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: As the well-armed elf stood silently peering into the sky, a dread black shape appeared from the deep dark blackness in the South (the current shadowy place) and covered the sky with a dark blackness that blotted out all but deepest darkness and filled the dark and heavy hearts of the Company with a deep dark black dreadness. [deep breath]
Company: What the f*** is that?!!!
Frodo: Oh, shiver, shiver, I feel the pain of my old wound returning to me.
Pippin: Eeewwww, his eyes are going all cloudy again!
Legolas: Ayonarasay, uckersay!
Odd Narrator: The angry elf turned his face to the darkening sky and aimed his dark deep black deadly assault rifle at the deep dark black deadly shadowy thing high in the air and fired a quick deep dark deadly shot right into its horridly dark dread deeply black midsection.
Kalishnikov Assault Rifle: Kaplowie!! Take that, deep dark dread black thing!
Black shape: OW! [splatter]
Company: Ewww!
Orcs: Aiyeee!!! Curse, curse, wail, wail!
[silence]
Gimli: Hooray for the AK-47 of Galadriel!
Aragorn: Blessed are we that she gifted our company with such power!
Boromir: Man, it was amazing, that thing just went KAPLOWIE and the deep dark dreadly black shape thing never had a CHANCE!
Legolas: Excuse me?
Gimli: I mean, that Kalshnikov is really something! If we'd had that thing in Moria, we might still be a ninesome!
Aragorn: Yeah, we gotta get us a whole set of those mothers and just storm into Mordor - Sauron would sit down and whimper!
Legolas: EXCUSE ME?!
Kalshnikov: [snicker]
(Russ) (Estrogen, anyone?)
Aragorn: Okay every one, bad news, nobody is sleeping tonight.
Fellowship: *sigh*
Legolas: [gently caressing his new weapon] I love you, you know.
AK: [blush] Me too.
Legolas: They are going to make songs about us!
AK: I like songs. Legolas?
Legolas: Yes.
AK: Promise you'll never leave me.
Legolas: I promise.
AK: *sigh* good.
[Meanwhile, back at the fire,]
Sam: Here's a question: How come the moon is new, but it was on the wane when we got to Lothlorien?
Aragorn: Don't be ridiculous.
Sam: No really Mr. Strider, look.
Aragorn: No.
Sam: But I'm tellin' ya...
Aragorn: I SAID NO!
Sam: But. . .
Aragorn: [fingers in his ears] LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA, I'M NOT LISTENING!!!! LA LA-LA-LA-LA!!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Hmm?
Sam: The Moon?
Frodo: Does Strider still have his fingers in his ears?
Aragorn: LA-LA-LA-LA-LA. . .
Sam: Yup.
Frodo: Okay it's like this, are you ready?
Sam: Yes.
Frodo: Sure?
Sam: Uh-huh!
Frodo: [whipers] It's magic!
Sam: AND?
Frodo: And nuthin', that's it!
Sam: Magic huh? So how are we going to work in that really cool line about how Winter is nearly gone and time flows on to a spring of little hope?
Frodo: [smiles] I think we just did.
(Idril)
[Scene: At the camp. While Legolas keeps watch, the rest of the company confers quietly]
Aragorn (low voiced): Thanks for backing me up there folks.
Rest of company sans Legolas (low voiced): No problem.
Aragorn: Galadriel told me that he's teetering on the edge... some sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder plus one too many raves. Hallucinations like this AK thing are par for the course. Darn that Ecstasy!
Frodo: What should we do?
Aragorn: Just keep playing along. His shooting is superb. What could it hurt?
Frodo: Gotcha.
Boromir (louder) : Alright, we need to decide to leave the river and go to Minas Tirith now.
Aragorn: I don't think so! Let's stay on the river.
Boromir: Rapids.
Aragorn: Go around.
Boromir: Orcs.
Aragorn: We'll sneak.
Boromir: Honkin' big ugly statues.
Aragorn: Hey! That's my ancestors!
Boromir: Like I said.
Aragorn: Grrrrr.
Boromir: Huge falls.
Aragorn: Take the stairs.
Boromir: Mr. Bigshot! You got two presents in Lothlorien and all I got was a stinkin' book.
Aragorn: AHA! Now I see what's been bothering you all this time!
Boromir: And two brooches? You're starting to look like Liberace. Why don't you wear 'em for earrings?
Aragorn: I never asked for two! When I'm king I'm going to fire that continuity girl. Here, you take one.
Boromir: Really? For moi?
Aragorn: Sure thing. Just don't think I'm hitting on you.
Boromir (pleased): No, never! Thanks! [whispering] Sweetie pookums.
Aragorn: I heard that!
Odd Narrator: And after their weapon and jewelry issues were resolved and the company had gotten some sleep, they lugged their boats and baggage up to the portage way and along the path to the little pool at the far end. As the boats were being carried the young hobbits complained endlessly...
Merry: I'm hot and sweaty!
Pippin: I'm tired, this sucks!
Boromir: That's it! Any more complaining and you'll have to get out of the boat and walk!
(Russ)
Concise Narrator: They rested that night. Nothing much happened. In the morning they left. It rained for awhile and then it stopped. The fog lifted. They floated into a deep, narrow ravine with a few trees here and there. The river got faster. Then they reached the Pillars of Argonath.
Frodo: Ooooooooooooooooo!
Sam: AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Aragorn: BEHOLD THE ARGONATH! PILLARS OF THE KINGS!
Merry: Which one's Jason?
Bombastic Narrator: And LO! Before them stood The fabled Pillars in all of their terrible glory! Great Pillars of stone they were, Towering high over the river canyon. In the shape of Mighty men of old, with skill both cunning and marvelous were they wrought. The left arm of each was raised outward, with fist clenched and thumb extended toward the heavens while in the right each held a cigar. Upon their fair countenances were wide mouthed smiles and a friendly wink of their terrible, yet wondrous eyes! Upon each head was a crumbling Golf cap.
Frodo: Aieeeeeee! Awe and fear is falling upon me!
Aragorn: Fear not!
Bombastic Narrator: And behold! The once mediocre Strider was transformed! Now upon the tiller of the Boat stood Aragorn, son of Arathorn, revealed at last in all his glory! His hair was blowing in the wind, and a fell light was in his eyes, a mighty king of old returning from exile into his own lands.
Frodo: (gasp!) Who the hell are you!
Aragorn: Fear Not, long have I. . .
Frodo: LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Hey, wait, it's only me! I was just. . .
(cha-chink)
Legolas: Stay right where you are and don't move a muscle!
Aragorn: (eyes and hair go back to normal) Relax friend, it's only me!
Legolas: It would be so easy. . .
AK: Come on baby, you know you want it!
Legolas: Yes, yes, just a simple squeeze of the trig...
Gimili: Look! Nude dancing elves!
Legolas: Huh? Where?!
Gimili: Oops, my bad! Must be the sun. Have a seat and tell me about your gun.
Aragorn: Another big moment gone! It's the story of my life! (sigh) I'm homesick! I wish Gandalf were here!
[High overhead shot of party floating down the river/sound of falls of Rauros begin to grow]
Aragorn: Behold Tol Brandir!
Frodo: (squeak) Not again! [covers face with hands and peek through fingers, Aragorn stays the same] Whew!
Aragorn: If you look out at the left side of the hill, you will be able to see Amon Lhaw, and to the right, is Amon Hen, the hills of hearing and sight. It is said that once great kings of old sat upon them and kept watch. Now they are on . . .
[giant animatronic hippo rises threateningly out of the water]
Hobbits: Squeak!
Aragorn: [Produces fake pistol and fires off a couple of shots]
Boromir: That was SO not real!
Bombastic Narrator: And so the tenth day of the Fellowships journey came to a close. Before them now stood the great decision. To go to the left and on to the perilous depths of Mordor in the quest of the destruction of the mighty ring, or to make a right and give in to Boromir. Beyond them the voice of Rauros roared in all of it's majestic splendor! It was going to be a long night.