(Silarien)
Celeborn: Gal' come and scrub my back.
Galadriel: Not now, Hon, we're expecting visitors.
Celeborn: Aw, come on. It's been 3 thousand years. I'm starting to feel, well you know.
Galadriel: Oh, you're so impatient, I've got some mind-reading to do.
Celeborn: I'll do that thing that you really like!
Galadriel: Really?
Celeborn: Really!
Galadriel: Can we make it last less than a week?
Celeborn: If we start now.
Galadriel: This is against my better judgement. I don't want to be all red faced and swollen lipped when our guests arrive. Ha, catch the soap.
(D'yan)
<Scene: Near the City of the Galadrim>
Odd Narrator: After walking for quite some time the group finally came upon the edge of a grand city.
Pippin: Yay! We are finally here.
Haldir: Yes, we have arrived, however I am not allowed to use the front door anymore, heh, so we have to walk around to the front which is still quite a distance.
Pippin: Why can't you use the front door?
Haldir: The Lady Galadriel was not amused with my booger flicking, so I am being punished for the next 300 years. heh, but it was totally worth the look on her face..........Uh, we should get going, and no one mention the booger thing.
(FrodoPippinSam)
Pippin: auuuuuuh, why can't we?
Haldir: Because if you do, you won't eat, and I think you want to eat tonight, don't you master Pippin?
Pippin: hmmph.
Frodo: For 300 years? Don't you think that's a little over doing it?
Haldir: Only 300 years, it's not really any big deal!
Frodo: That's like six times my life time.
Haldir: I forget that mortals aren't immortal, I guess to you 300 years old would be like eternity. For me 300 years is only a little while.
Frodo: I think I understand.
Haldir: No more on this topic. Come on, we best get going.
[Legolas bounds up to talk with Haldir.]
Legolas: So, what do you all do around here? This is nothing like Mirkwood.
Haldir: No indeed! Lothlorien is much more grand!
Legolas: I think that Mirkwood is quite nice, thank you!
Haldir: Whatever suits your taste.
Legolas: So are there any nice elven ladies about?
Haldir: Here and there, yes.
Legolas: And we may see some?
Haldir: maybe.
Legolas: And we'll stay here for a while, right, here in Lothlorien that is.
Haldir: I do not know, I am not the Lord or Lady of the Wood.
Legolas: I see. But umm, do you think maybe after we're through with them like maybe you could umm.
Haldir: Show you some of the Pretty Elf maidens? Sure, I'd be glad to!
Legolas: Great!
Frodo: I hate to disturb this lovely little conversation between elves but Haldir how far is it till we get to the door?
Haldir: hmm, only a short while. We should be there in an hour or so, that is if we pick up the pace!
Sam: (grumbling) I wish they had invented something called teleportation.
(Silarien)
Celeborn: What you doing now?
Galadriel: Wrapping some presents.
Celeborn: Is it my birthday, again?
Galadriel: They're not for you!
Celeborn: AW. I never get presents.
Galadriel: You've already got everything an elf could want.
Celeborn: No I haven't. I WANT a present.
Galadriel: Shut up wining, I haven't got time.
Celeborn: I WANAWANAWANA PRESENT!!
Galadriel: Here, have this [THUMP]
(Idril)
Bring your daughter to work day narrator: So, they climbed up the tree where Galadriel and Celeborn had their big hall. Wait, in a tree? Is this right?
Odd Narrator: <whisper whisper>
BYDTWD Narrator: OMUG! That's cute! Anyway, Celeborn knew all their names somehow and they all said hi and stuff. And Galadriel was all beautiful and they wanted to know what happened to Gandalf.
Aragorn: The Balrog ate him.
Celeborn: Get out of town!
Aragorn: Oh, I mean he fell down the abyss.
Galadriel: Oh crap. Melian's gonna be pissed.
BYDTWD Narrator: And all the elves said "Oh crap"... ha! You get to say "crap" at work? This is fun! Yep... the tall elf said "oh crap" and the short elf said "oh crap" and the fat elf said "oh crap" and the...
Odd Narrator: <whisper whisper>
BYDTWD Narrator: <SIGH> and they all cried aloud in grief and amazement.
Celeborn: This must be the dwarf's fault.
Gimli: How did you come up with that bright idea?
Celeborn: I don't know! Galadriel told me to say that.
Gimli: No she didn't. She didn't say anything.
Celeborn: She told me telepathically... she's always making me say stupid stuff so she can be all smart and nice and make me look bad.
Galadriel: I never!
Gimli: Well it's not my fault that we lost Gandalf.
Galadriel: I know. <smiles>
Gimli <goes googly eyed>: Will you marry me?
Galadriel: No, but you can adore me from afar.
Gimli <still googly eyed>: Will do!
Celeborn: I agree, it wasn't your fault.
Gimli: Whatever.
BYDTWD Narrator: And then Galadriel said some stuff about the quest and walking on a knife (Eeeewwww!!!!) and then she looked into each of their eyes until they went all googly eyed and then asked them all to go to bed with her and...
Odd Narrator: <WHISPER WHISPER!>
BYDTWD Narrator: OMUG! Did I say that? My bad! She told them they should all go to bed and that they could stay in Lothlorien until they were all rested and that they shouldn't worry about anything for a while, the end.
Pippin: Excuse me, what does OMUG mean?
BYDTWD Narrator: OMUG! He's talking to me! That's so cute!
Pippin: Hello?
BYDTWD Narrator: Oh... well it means Oh my God... but we aren't supposed to say that in school. I guess it's okay to say it here since we can say crap crappity crap crap.
Pippin: Okay thanks for the ummm... 411... or whatever. <mutters> Sheesh, she's making ME feel old!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: That night the company slept on the ground as much to the dismay of pretty much everyone. For awhile the travelers talked of their journey through Lothlorien and of the Lord and Lady. But further back than that they did not speak as Gandalf was now old news.
Pippin: SAM! Quit hogging all the blankets!
Sam: Hey, I'm just trying to keep covered, that's all.
Pippin: So what was the deal with you and Her Ladyship? Dude, you were blushing!
Sam: I was not!
Pippin: Yes you were!
Sam: Was Not!
Pippin: Were too!
Sam: Uh-uh!
Pippin: Uh-Huh!
Frodo: Alright you two, don't make me come over there!
Sam: He started it!
Pippin: Did not!
Sam: Did too!
Frodo: I'm counting to three and then. . . <all is quiet>
Frodo: That's better, now go to sleep.
Sam and Pippin: Yes Frodo.
Pippin: <whispers> You blushed.
Sam: <whispers back> Did not.
Frodo: I can hear you!
Sam: Well Pippin won't leave me alone!
Pippin: I just wanted to know why Sam was blushing when the Lady was lookin' at him.
Frodo: Were you Sam?
Sam: Wellll. . .
Frodo: Tell the truth now.
Sam: Well, I felt like she was undressing me with her eyes! And after what happened in Rivendell and all, well, I started to, I started to, . . .remember Bill the Pony?
Frodo, Pippin and Merry: Yeah.
Sam: Remember what he was packin'?
Pippin: Food?
Sam: No.
Merry: Ale?
Sam: No.
Frodo: Um, oh dear, wood? <winces>
Sam: That's the one.
Frodo: <blushing> Well that was a lovely story Sam, but now I think we ought to. . .
Merry: <blurts out> Ihadthesamefeeling.
Sam: You?, I thought it was just me!
Pippin: Nope, but I, er, um, well, let's just say that she didn't have to be a Psychic to know what I was thinking!
Boromir: Hm, some folk get all the luck!
Frodo: Why? What did she say to you?
Boromir: Um, why nothing, nothing at all. You?
Frodo: Nope, nada, not a word.
Frodo and Boromir: <each squinting evily at the other> Hmmmm.
Boromir: Well, I don't trust her! I think she's a bit. . .
Aragorn: Watch it Bub!
Boromir: . . .stuck on herself!
Aragorn: Why do you say that?
Boromir: Oh come on! For starters she's an elf! and if that's not enough, how about that mirror? Did you get a load of that piece of work?
Gimli: Oh, I don't know, I thought she was kind of nice actually.
Aragorn: What?
Boromir: What?
Hobbits: What?
Eavesdropping elves: What?
Elrond: <still in rivendell> What?
Ted: <at the green dragon in the shire to the Gaffer> Me? I didn't say nothing.
All Dwarves everywhere: <shiver>
Merry: You like her don't you?
Gimli: <looks awkwardly at the ground> Weeeell. . .
Pippin: <gasp> You LOVE her!
Gimli: I wouldn't say tha. . .
Pippin and Merry: <singing> Gimli loves Galdriel, Gimli loves Galadriel!
Eavesdropping elves: <joining in> Gimli Loves Galadriel . . .
Frodo: Y'know what Sam?
Sam: What Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: This is going to be a long night!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Legolas: I'm not tired.
Aragorn: Then be quiet because I'm trying to sleep.
Legolas: I'm going to find Haldir. (walks off)
Haldir: Hey, Legolas!
Legolas: Hey! So you gonna show me those elfbabes?
Haldir: Sure, so you umm, want to go to the Night Club?
Legolas: yeah sure!
Haldir: Hold on, let me go get a few things.
Legolas: Okie dokie!
Haldir: (comes back) Alrighty, lets go!
Legolas: Let's BRING-IT-ON!
Haldir: Yeah!
[they go to the Night Club]
Sexy Female Elf: Hi! I haven't see you 'round here, are you new?
Legolas: Me? Yeah, I'm new to Lorien.
SFE: Cool, come with me.
Legolas: Lead the way!
Haldir: (Shaking his head) This will be a night to remember.
Legolas: So where are you taking me?
SFE: To a um, how should I put this, a place where you will greatly enjoy what happens.
Legolas: Ok.
[walks to the other side of the club]
SFE: I need one for two.
Elf at the counter: Sure thing.
SEF: Cool.
[Follows the Elf around to a small room in the back.]
Legolas: I don't know about this.
SFE: Oh come on, don't be a baby, (takes his hands) come on, (pulls him to her and tosses him onto the small bed.) Now have some fun and enjoy.
[Camera switches back to the Fellowship.]
Frodo: (laying against the tree) (sigh) It's a lovely place here, Sam.
Sam: (half awake) yeah.
Frodo: Are you tired?
Sam: (barely awake) no, I'm wide awake.
Frodo: Never mind, go to sleep Sam.
Sam: I'll keep watch--
Frodo: Strider said we don't need to keep watch, that the forest is very well protected.
Sam: (yawns) Alright.
Frodo: (sighs) I wish I were back in the Shire. (falls asleep)
(Thran)
<Legolas in the Night Club with the elf babe, hours later. Several empty wine bottles litter the floor>
Elf babe: <yawns> Ohway egolaslay! imetay orfay omeonesay otay ogay otay edbay! atthay eansmay opstay ingingsay!
Legolas: uresay inthay! <still singing>
A! Elbimenth Gilthoniel
Silforfen penin morienlflshlsh
La shlompamourdin ennirashlsh
Elf babe: ouyay areway illstay ingingsay!
Legolas: Mmm? Osay Iway amway! You don' like it, I'll shing shomethin diffrnt!
Odd narrator: At long last the elf babe kicked our inebriated wood-elf out the back door. Weaving and stumbling, and still singing, he made his way back where Frodo and Sam were trying to get some sleep. Elvish voices sang lamenting in the air, and they, along with Legolas' throaty songs woke the pair.
Legolas: Elbereth Gilthumpineckl . . . Ah hah! <hic> They're shinging about andalfgay that is ithrandirmay that is Gandalf! <deep breath> Hooreee.
Frodo: <grumblegrumble> Huh? Mmmm, what do they say about him?
Legolas: How the f*** should I know?
Sam: <muttermutter> You're an elf. You speak the language. Hello?!
Legolas: Oh yesh, sure thing. Well I have not the heart to tell ya. For me the grappa is shtill too near. <belch>
Odd Narrator: As Legolas wandered off to dream trippy dreams while walking open-eyed in the light of this world, <ahem> Frodo wondered if he, too, could form his grief into words.
(Bridget and Bunnie)
Frodo: I wonder if I, too, can form my grief into words?
Sam: I'm way ahead of you, buddy. Listen to this:
The oldest wizard ever bred,
His fireworks, in stars of red;
Too bad he had to go that way -
He just became Balrog Flambe.
Frodo: That was, erm, lovely, Sam.
Sam: (pleased) Thank you, Mr. Frodo!
(Idril)
Anduril: oh I've got one!
Gandalf my brother you are older than me
Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal
Your eyes have died but you see more than I
Gandalf you're a star in the face of the sky
Gandalf is travelling tonight on a plane
I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain
Oh and I can see Gandalf waving goodbye
God it looks like Gandalf, must be the clouds in my eyes
Sting: and me!
Every little thing he did was magic
Everything he did just turned me on
When we saw him fall it was so tragic
Now I know that we will carry on
(Bridget)
Frodo: Geez...even the swords are singing laments...and I can't think of anything. (buries head in pillow)
(Idril)
Frodo: (after being inspired by a dream)
When evening in the Shire was grey
his footsteps told us he was back
before the dawn he went away
our silver jingling in his pack
From Wilderland to Western shore
from northern waste to southern hill
through humblest cot and richest door
with muddy boots he tramped at will
Of Dwarves and Hobbits, Elves and Men
of bird on bough and even mice
He knew each secret thought and sin
and kept them secret, for a price
A sob story, an empty hand
a back bent beneath its load
most charming voice in all the land
a weary pilgrim on the road
A lord of wisdom throned he sat
swift in anger, quick to mirth
an old man in a battered hat
quick as a wink, he'd take your shirt
An ancient evil he defied
fire and shadow gone amuck
in Khazad Dum his wisdom died
his creditors are out of luck
Odd Narrator: The company was in Lothlorien for some days... well actually quite a few days. They spent most of their time getting on each other's nerves, for whenever they asked for the Lord and Lady they were told that they were "in conference". For the most part the elves didn't speak the common tongue, so whenever the members of the fellowship encountered them, they had to rely on non-verbal means of communication.
Aragorn: Like you're implying I'm getting laid? As if! Arwen is so tight with these people, it's not even funny. <grumble grumble> I can't even get a foot rub.
Odd Narrator: I wasn't talking about you. And I'm not even going to comment on the foot rub thing.
Aragorn: Okay, whatever.
(Sevilodorf)
Odd Narrator: Legolas was away much among the other elves. After the first night he did not sleep with the other companions.
Pippin: Not that he did before anyway.
(Idril)
Merry: Not that there would be anything wrong with that if he did... just for the record.
Odd Narrator: Often...
Merry: Errrm... But there WOULD be something wrong with it if he was sleeping with Pippin though. Pippin's underage and Legolas is like a million years old. Actually, that's just creepy.
Pippin: Ya think!
Odd Narrator: Like I was saying, Often...
Merry: But if he was sleeping with anybody else. I mean, we wouldn't really have a problem with it. We don't want to come off as a bunch of bigots.
Pippin: As long as he doesn't grab my bum, I'm fine with it.
Odd Narrator: Are you done?
Merry: What? Oh sure!
Odd Narrator: Alrighty then!
(Sevilodorf)
Odd Narrator: Often he (Legolas that is) took Gimli with him and the others wondered at this.
Boromir: What exactly do you think they do together?
Merry: Maybe Legolas is introducing him to the elf maidens.
All: Nah!! Must be something else.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: After some days Sam got restless and was ready to hit the road.
Sam: I'm restless, let's hit the road.
Frodo: Are you tired of the elves, Sam? I thought you liked them.
Sam: Well all that haughty stuff made me feel tingly at first. Now it's just old.
Frodo: Gotcha.
(BunnieBugs)
Sam: But I have been thinking: wouldn't it be nice to see some elf magic before we leave?
Frodo: But you can see and feel the magic all around us, Sam.
Sam: I know, but it's not the same as actually seeing someone work the magic, now is it? I don't mean any coney out of a top hat business, or that pointy hat thing that poor old Gandalf used to do, but something big and impressive that you know down to your toes is magic.
Frodo: I don't think I need to see any elf magic, but I would like to see Gandalf again. And I do hope that before we leave here we shall get to see the Lady of the Elves again.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Just then Galadriel came and beckoned them to follow her.
Sam <whispering>: See, she don't even say hello... sheesh.
Odd Narrator: She took them to a hollow near a little stream. There was a basin on a pedestal there. Odd Narrator: Galadriel filled the basin with water from the stream.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator continues: The crystal clear water slowly poured out of the tall silver pitcher which reflected the running water... the tinkling of the droplets echoed in the little hollow and reflected around them as they stood watching the water. Thrice she dipped into the stream.. ever slowly pouring the water into the basin.. the water..
Sam: Uh.. excuse me..
Frodo: [doing a little dance] Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Sam: Narrator.. hey.. director?
PJ: CUT! WHAT?
Sam and Frodo: Gotta pee!
Galadriel: Whoo me too... look the water just dripping like that..
PJ: Hey.. this is our second take and you went right before this one!
Boom operator: I gotta go too...had some Diet Coke..
Camera operator: Ditto.
Off set--Aragorn: There's a line at the porta-john.
Sam: Dude.. these bushes are getting some watering.
Frodo: [unbuttons] I got the vines over here..
Galadriel: Hey.. no fair.. men have it so good.. I'll be in my trailer.
PJ: NO..*sigh* OK.. take 5. [whispering to Odd Narrator] maybe we should cut some of the water.. I mean this is about 2 hours into the movie.. the whole audience is going to be getting up to go.
<stands tapping foot..> PLACES!
Galdriel: OK.. where were we.. I feel so much better.
Frodo: Me too.
Sam: The pressure was just too much!
PJ: QUIET ON THE SET!
Odd Narrator: Galadriel filled the basin with water from the stream.
PJ: <whispering> Let's just leave it at that...go on.
(Idril & Bunnie)
Galadriel: This is my mirror. You may look in it if you will.
Frodo: What does it show?
Galadriel: Sometimes it shows how lovely I am naked, but at other times it can show things unbidden. Do you want to look Sam? You said you wanted elf magic. So, here's your elf magic. Take it or leave it.
(Idril)
Sam <getting somewhat googly eyed again>: Oh, I'd like a peep, if you're willing.
Galadriel: Very well, just look, don't touch!
(Idril and Bunnie)
Sam <looking in mirror>: What's that? I see trees.... now Mr. Frodo all tied up naked! This is terrible.... Who's that standing over him? Now I'm carrying a big load of wood though a tunnel... what does that mean? There's Rosie... She's pouring hot water in a tub. Why, she's...
(Bunnie)
[Sam's ears turn bright red, and the blush creeps down to his cheeks and right on down into his shirt collar...]
Sam: I... I... I think I've seen enough. Now I've REALLY got the feeling that I really want--no, need--to go home now!
Galadriel: What about Frodo?
Sam: Oh, you're right, of course. (aside to Frodo) But if you'd seen what I just saw, you might just change your mind about what kind of quest you wanted to be on!
Frodo: What other quest could there possibly be for me, Sam?
Sam: You know, a cure for your V-I-R-G...
(Bunnie and Idril)
Frodo: SAM! Geez! How can you think about sex at a time like this anyway. I'm in danger of getting stripped naked and tied up!
(Idril)
Galadriel: I dunno <looks Frodo up and down> ...works for me!
Sam: Yep. Me too, actually.
Galadriel: But in any case, the mirror is dangerous as a guide to deeds. And.... well... sometimes it's a big fat liar.
Mirror: I never!
Galadriel: Frodo, would you like to look? You didn't have a secret wish to see me naked, and were content.
Sam: I didn't never have no wish to see you naked Miss Galadriel.
Galadriel: <stare>
Sam: Oh alright, I did.
Frodo: Should I look?
Galadriel: Whatever.
Frodo: Oh why not <looking in mirror> Let's see... Hey Gandalf! Wazzup? Darn, this thing's on fast forward... why the heck do I need to see Numenor? Yada yada yada, lots of ships. Now something firey... and it's <SHRIEK!!>
[Frodo jerks away from the mirror]
Good Lord woman! What did you show me that for? I hate that stupid flaming eye thingie!!
Ring: It's not that bad.
(Bridget)
Galadriel: I know what it is you last saw...(long dramatic pause) for it is also in MY mind.
Sam: Actually, I think you know what it is he last saw...(another long dramatic pause) because he just TOLD you.
Galadriel: (gives Sam nasty look) (turns to Frodo) I knew anyway.
Frodo: Umm...okay.
(Idril)
Galadriel: AS I was saying, it has been on my mind also. But do not fear! While you are on your quest, splashing through nasty smelly swamps, climbing razor sharp mountains, falling into cesspools and sneaking and cowering from millions of orcs, take heart! Know that I and my people will be safe here in Lothlorien! For I have a very very very very secret, very very powerful power that keeps the door closed!
[She held her hand high, and Frodo saw the ring Nenya sparkling in the starlight]
Frodo: Well that's not much help. <sigh>
Sam <rather googly eyed>: I don't know... it sort of makes me feel better.
(BunnieBugs)
Galadriel's Ring: *sparkle, sparkle!*
Ring: (to itself) Yow! Check HER out! (to Galadriel's ring) Hey, Sweet Thing! I don't believe we've been introduced...
Galadriel's Ring: (coyly) I'm Nenya.
Ring: Hello, Nenya. Would you like to go somewhere we can talk... privately?
Nenya: Why, whatever do you mean?
Ring: Oh, I just think we'd look so good together. Can you imagine it?
Nenya: Oh, I don't know. You're coming on awfully strong...
Ring: That's 'cause I'm the One Ring, baby. It's my style. C'mon, let's hook up...
Nenya: But I heard that you and Beryl had some sort of relationship. He seems sort of possessive... which reminds me... are you a male or female?
Ring: Oh, baby, I roll both ways! And as for Beryl, that "relationship" is all in his green little mind...
Beryl: I heard that! You two- (or is it three... no, four!) timing slut! Have you no shame?
Ring: Heck, no! I'm all kinds of evil. I *so* love being bad!
(Idril)
Frodo: <SIGH> You know Sam, that other quest is sounding better every minute.
Frodo (to Galadriel): How about I give you the one ring? You seem to handle yours okay.
Galadriel: Hmmmmmmmmm....
(Bunnie)
Ring: Ooh, yes! Take me! Takemetakemetakeme...*sings*
I'll be wrapped around your finger...
Sting: Hey!
Ring: Sh! *sings again*
Hey, I know that Sauron's not your name
But I know what you're up to just the same
I will listen hard to your tuition
And you will see it come to its fruition
I'll be wrapped around your finger...
Sauron and the deep blue sea behind me
Vanish in the air you'll never find me
I will turn your face to alabaster
Then you will find your servant is your master
When I'll be wrapped around your finger...
Sting: Knock it off! Plagiarist!
Ring: Like you could sing "wrapped around your finger!"
Sting: That's not the point!
Ring: No, you're the point.
Sting: Shut up. *pouts*
(Idril)
Frodo (to Galadriel): Won't you take the ring?
Galadriel: No, I thought about grabbing it from you already. But that would be a bad thing.
Sam: Why?
Galadriel: Because I'm so beautiful and desirable already! If I had the one ring I WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS <gets really big and scary gorgeous> and that would make everyone's head explode.
Frodo: You're probably right. Damn! I wish it worked on me like that!
Sam: <snicker> Betcha wish it worked on the big part anyway.
Frodo: Sh!
Galadriel: But the suckiest part is if you destroy the one ring, then my very very very secret, very very powerful power will lose it's power. Then Lothlorien will become all mundane and ugly like the rest of Middle Earth and I'll have to sail into the west. I'm allergic to mundane... gives me bad headaches.
Sam: Noooo! That's just wrong!
Frodo: Oh well!
Galadriel: Ah well... ifelay uckssay ontday itway. <turns to Sam> My dear Sam, I'm sorry that we have been talking over your head a bit. I am not allowed to reveal the nature of my very very very secret very powerful power to just anyone.
Sam: You mean your elvish ring?
Galadriel: <GASP> How did you know? It's supposed to be a secret!
Sam: D'oh!