(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The company stood silent beside the tomb of Balin. The thought of moving on and soon seemed like a real good Idea to all of them except that old codger Gandalf who just had to have a look around.
Gandalf: Well, well, what have we here?
Legolas: They are called "Books" in the Elven tongue.
Gandalf: It is badly damaged, but I shall see if I can decipher it.
Boromir: What? Here? Now?
Aragorn: What does it say?
Gandalf: It seems to be the record of Balin's folk.
Gimli: Can you read it?
Gandalf: Hmm, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. . .", from there it becomes quite incomprehensible. Hmm, many pages are missing, AH! here is something: "Balin has set up his chair in the chamber of ferdnanthibul".
Gimli: The hall of records, that must be where we are now!
Gandalf: I can read no more for a long ways except for the words "barmaid", "Balin's wood", and "the seven have arrived"
Gimli: The seven are my cousins who set out from the mountain to join with balin on the road to Moria, it seems they must have been delayed!
Aragorn: What else does it say?
Boromir: Um, you know, later might be a. . .
Gandalf: I am not sure, it looks like "we have found the mirror" and something about "the fairest of them all". That seems to be the end of the chapter. This next part is in a different hand, there are symbols, seven cups and seven saucers and an apple. . .
Gimli: That would Dopi's hand, he always liked to draw.
Gandalf: The rest is grim reading, here it says the word "Barmaid" and then , "she took Doc, Sneezy and Grumpy by the pool", yadda-yadda, " I can still hear the screaming", yadda-yadda, "we can no longer get out. The Horror, The Horror", I wonder what that means? Then, "She is coming". There is nothing more.
Boromir: Now, if you are all quite finished, might I suggest. . .
Frodo: I feel that a sudden dread has come upon me.
Sam: I feel it too.
Boromir: Duh! Now, if everyone is . . .
Gimli: It was well for us that the barmaid was taken by the beast in the pool!
Gandalf: <surveys the room> They seem to have made a stand at both doors, but they were too few to withstand her. Anybody want this book?
Aragorn: Nope.
Legolas: Not me.
Gimli: Me neither.
Gandalf: <drops book on the tomb> Well, we should be moving on, Morning is passing.
Boromir: Finally!
Odd narrator: Gandalf led the party on to the main chamber, but before they had gone far they could hear the sound of drums beating relentlessly in the depths of Moria.
Legolas: They are coming!
Gimli: We cannot get out!
<entire party stops and looks at one another, then shrugs>
Aragorn: Close enough.
Gandalf: Trapped!
Boromir: Ya think?
Gandalf: Quick, back inside and lock the doors!
Aragorn: Right, lock the doors!
Gandalf: No, wait, don't lock the doors!
Aragorn: Right! Don't lock the doors!
Gandalf: NO, wait just lock the east door!
Aragorn: Um, okay, Locking the EAST door.
Gandalf: NO! wait, lock the west door and leave the east door ajar!
Aragorn: Old man. . .
Gandalf: No, really, lock the west door, I'm sure this time.
Aragorn: Okaaaaaaay.
Gandalf: Why did I delay!
Boromir: Grrrrrrrrr!
Frodo: That doesn't sound like a Barmaid!
Aragorn: No, it is orcs!
Frodo: Whew! that's a relief!
Sam: I heard that!
<Frodo and Sam "High Five">
Pippin: Is there anything to eat?
Merry: Dude!
Pippin: Hey, even a condemned man gets a last breakfast!
<Foley sound: swords being drawn>
Glamdring: It's go time! <glow>
Anduril: Let's rock! <glow>
Gandalf: Wait, Open the west door!
Aragorn: But I thought. . .oh, what the heck, Opening the west door.
Gandalf: Who comes hither to disturb the rest of Balin, Lord of Moria!
Rough voices: Ak-gul bark snarkle frak bibbity-bobbity-boo! HAWWWWW HAWWWW HAWWWW
Merry: Well at least someone is having fun!
Boromir: Is it too late to say I told you so?
<Gandalf pushes end of staff through door and there is a loud crack and a flash of light in the space outside the chamber>
Gandalf: I'll just take a peak. . .<looks through door then steps back in>. . . okay, you can close it now.
Legolas: Well? What did you see?
Gandalf: The usual, a horde of orcs and maybe a cave troll or two.
Boromir: How nice!
<crash against the door, door slowly grinds open>
Pippin: LOOK!
[A large , muscled arm and shoulder covered in greenish scales and a Great, flat, toe-less foot was forced into the widening gap in the door]
Sam: IT'S MY GAFFER!
Boromir: Nay Master Samwise! This is some fell creature from out of depths great and foul!
Merry: Yeah, and the manicure is way too nice!
Sam: Hey!
Pippin: Still, it IS a pretty good likeness!
Sam: All right you too. . .
Frodo: Are you guys just gonna. . . oh never mind, never send a wizard, an elf and a king to do a hobbits work! The Virgi. . . I mean, THE SHIRE!
<Frodo stabs the foot with sting>
(Russ and Idril)
Sting: <sings>
I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom
I kill conversation as I walk into the room
I'm a three line whip
I'm the sort of thing they ban
I'm a walking disaster
I'm a demolition man!
Sting: Who da sword!
Cave Troll: Ow!
(Russ)
Aragorn: Wow, that's gonna leave a mark!
Odd narrator: On they fought, sword and bow and dagger drew a portrait of death and desperation! Valiantly the fellowship fought, but the enemies numbers wore sorely upon them and they began to falter.
Merry: I don't know how many more of these bugger I can kill! They just keep on coming!
Frodo: I fear our doom is at last upon us! Farewell my friends! You have all fought well, but alas my hope fails me!
Legolas: Ah, what an evil fate for so valorous and noble an Elf as I! It is not meet that my days in middle earth should end in such a fashion as this!
Pippin: <thrusts his sword deep into the belly of an orc, then breathing hard looks up as if he cannot believe his ears>
All right! <cast's his sword to the ground> I did not come here to die like this! I have been hunted by the Nazgul, chased by barmaids, almost turned into a wight, nearly frozen solid, almost become lunch for a pack of wargs, and now THIS! Well I for one have had just about all of this that I can take! HEY ORCS YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME? WELL COME AND GET IT!
<Pippin unhinges his jaw and leaps out into the orc host>
Frodo: Pippin! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<later>
<Pippin lies on the floor of the cave, his cloths are torn and bloodied, the rest of the fellowship stands around him>
Aragorn: I have traveled far, but never have I seen such an act!
Legolas: Long will the Elves sing of the fell deeds done on this day!
Gimli: Aye! But not longer than the Dwarves!
Merry: It just wasn't fair!
Gandalf: The carnage!
Sam: Poor old orcs!
Frodo: Did you see them scatter once Pip really got going! They were scared to death!
Sam: I don't blame them, I'd be scared too Sir!
Pippin: BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP! Whew! That's better! Okay, I'm ready to go now!
Gandalf: And the sooner the better, the orcs may have had enough sense to run away from Master Took here, but their brains are small and even the greatest of terrors stays in their thick heads but a little while. Now, let us go before the troll returns!
(Ekla Reuel)
[Balrog siting alone in his plush apartment, decorated with lots of family portraits, which to the untrained eye, look like a selection of Smithy furnaces of differing size and brightness. (Uncle Ralph the Balrog, for example, was a real Glower apparently!!) Anyway, he lives here in his smouldering bachelor pad way, way, way below the Moria caverns, and on times is 'friend' that active Barmaid, drops by for a chat and gossip about the latest fashions in knitwear from the world above. Suddenly, he puts his knitting down, curses, cause he's dropped yet another stitch and taking the pipe out of his mouth, cocks his head to one side....Hmmmmmm...*he listens*...Visitors??!!! Rubs his hands and heads towards the kitchen!!]
(Thranduilion)
Normal Narrator: As the company began to retreat, a huge orc-cheiftan entered the room.
Orc-cheiftan: Hullo, am I late for the fight? What's this, an adorable blue-eyed curly headed hobbit?! Why, it's my lucky day!
Anduril: CHARGE!!!
Aragorn: Not without me, you twerpy sword!
Orc-cheiftan: Ha, ha, missed me! <thrust>
Frodo: What's with the thrustin-EUARGGHHH! Hey, that hurt! <stumble>
Mithril shirt: Whoopee! Look at me turn your fierce orc-chieftan spear like it was a butter knife! Ha, ha.
Frodo: Argh. <stumble>
Sam: Frodo!
Frodo: Yeargh. <faints>
Sam: Frodo! NOOOOOOO!
Sting: Every step you take . . .
Sam's Blade: Shut up! <hack><slice> Take that, orc-cheiftan's spear!
Orc-cheiftan's spear: Argghh! Ich bin kaput. <falls>
Anduril: CHARGE!!!
Aragorn: Aw, what the heck. CHARGE!!! <splits orc-cheiftan's skull>
Orc-cheiftan: Hey, how can I have a line if I've got a split skull? <dies>
Aragorn: Alas! Frodo is dead! Oh, well. Somebody grab the Ring and let's book it outa here!
Gandalf: ARAGORN! Pick Frodo up and follow me, NOW!
Legolas: Gimli, come on, we're going!
Gimli: But I'm still mourning my cousin!
Boromir: Grrrrrr.
Normal Narrator: Finally, the company ran out of the chamber, Merry helping his brave but stuffed hobbit companion and Aragorn carrying Frodo.
Frodo: Put me down!
Aragorn <drops Frodo in amazement>: I thought you were dead!
Ring: Yeah, I heard that thing about grabbing the Ring and going. Why, you . . .
Frodo: Oh, shush. Aragorn . . .
Sting: I'll be watching you!
Frodo: What he said.
Gandalf: Can we get back to the plot, please? All right, everybody down the stairs and if I don't follow quickly, go on without me!
Aragorn: Sounds good to me.
Legolas: Do I get to lead if you don't come back?
All: NO!
Legolas: <pouts> But I'm terrific with my bow!
Gandalf: Go! Swords are no more use here. No, not bows either, Legolas.
Odd Narrator: The annoyed wizard bounded back into the chamber as the rest of the company ran down the stairs. They heard the drumbeats behind them: DOOMboomDOOMboomDOOMboom. At last Gandalf returned.
Gandalf: Run! I think I only succeeded in pissing it off!
All: WHAT WAS IT?!!
Gandalf: I can't tell you yet, that would ruin the plot.
Boromir: Right, whatever. Can we go, like, NOW!
Gandalf: Oh, right. This foe is beyond any of you. RUN!
Boromir: Ya think?
<They run away, terribly fast.>
(BunnieBugs)
Narrator: The Company fled through the darkness, descending staircase after staircase. After about an hour, there was no sound of pursuit, so they halted, briefly, for a rest.
Gimli: What happened back there at the door?
Gandalf: I'm not sure. I was putting a shutting-spell on the door, when suddenly there was a presence in the chamber, and whatever it was, it was scary enough to make even orcs shut up! Long story short, the door went KABLOOEY! and the chamber went WHAAMMM! and now something besides a dead dwarf is buried up there!
Gimli: Please, a little respect!
Gandalf: Sorry. Now, Frodo: so you're not dead, huh?
Frodo: Not even.
Aragorn: I don't know why not. That spear-thrust would have skewered a wild boar!
Frodo: Don't sound too disappointed!
Pippin: Heh heh! He said "thrust!"
Merry: Heh, heh! He said "skewered," too!
Gandalf: Well, Frodo, you take after Bilbo. He's a tough old bast... I mean, there's more about you than meets the eye, as I said of him long ago.
(Thranduilion)
Mithril shirt: Whoopee! And it's all thanks to meeee that he's still alive!
Ring: Shut up, you piece of metal lingerie, they don't know about you yet!
Mithril shirt: Oh, yeah.
Sting: Weirdo.
Odd Narrator: As the Fellowship rested, they began to hear the foul voices of orcs screaming behind them.
Orcs: Narcs un deks un iilou ghash GHASH GHASH narcs un deks! GHASH i miru ghash u gharsh, meysin dixen maren nixen! ghash gharsh golijiouiz! Ghar Ghash GHASHGHASH!
The Fellowship: <heave><gasp><bleaurgh>
Gandalf: Woe is upon us! It is the hideous tongue of the orcs of Moria - all who hear it feel as if they've eaten raw fish and spoiled milk out of a dusty old vending contraption! <bleaurgh!>
Merry: <heave> But what <gasp> are they <gar> saying?
Legolas: <gasp><heave> I only recognize <hic> one of the <gar> words. Ghash means - oh, <bleargh> Gandalf, can you take this one?
Gandalf <deep breath>: Ghash means 'roadkill.'
Legolas: No! It means Fire, I'm sure of it!
Gandalf: Of course, my elven friend! Right you are. Now let's go on!
(BunnieBugs)
Aragorn: Let's get going!
Gandalf: Yes. We must keep going downward.
Gimli: I see light ahead! But it's red! And it's getting hot. Whew!
Gandalf: Fire! I wonder if the place is on fire?
Legolas: Oh, that is SO bad for my complexion!
Sam: If you don't mind my asking, sir, how can stone be on fire?
Gandalf: Don't ask impertinent questions, Sam Gamgee! There's devilry afoot! But come along: we're very near the bridge that leads to the way out of here.
Everyone: YAY!
Gandalf: Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. First, we must cross this cavernous hall with the towering pillars. And watch out for the cracks in the floor with the flames licking out of them. Let's hope that the fire is between us and pursuit!
Drums: Doom, doom, doom!
Aragorn: I'd say it's time to skeedaddle...
Drums: Doom, doom, doom!
Aragorn: Yup! Now I hear orcs approaching! Let's get outta here!
Oddly Excited Narrator: The Company sped across the cavern, when suddenly a shrill yell went up. They had been seen!
Orcs: YOIKS! There they are! Get 'em!
Frodo: *ducking* Whoa, that arrow just missed my head! I am seriously tired of all the pointy things being aimed at me!
(The Company looks at him rather oddly).
Frodo: Oh, stop!
Gandalf: Look ahead! The Bridge is near. It is dangerous and narrow.
(Thranduilion)
Drums: Doomdoom Doom doom da da Doom da da do-wap do-wap do-wap imean DOOM BOOM DOOM! Snicker, hey this is fun! Doom BOOM doom DOom BoOm DooM dooM BOOm!
Oddly excited Narrator: Boy, those arrows were just flying like, uh, a volley of arrows at our Company! Dude, one even got stuck in Gandalf’s pointy hat and STUCK THERE! HAWHAHAWW! Legolas turned angrily towards the orcs and set an arrow to his string, though Iluvatar knows how he thought his wimpy little bow was gonna make THAT shot! I mean . . .
Legolas: Shut up, already! Oh dear. <hand falls>
Drums: doom. heh, heh.
Legolas: Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come! Curse Idril for making me faint! <Faints>
Gimli: Durin’s Bane! Come one, you gangly Elf, we don’t have time for your fainting spells!
Odd Narrator: Gimli woke the unconscious elf with difficulty. Boromir decided to blow the Horn of Gondor.
Horn of Gondor: BBRRAAAPT!!! Take that, you nasty orcs!
Merry: What the heck didja do that for?
Gandalf: I am already weary.
Boromir: Well, duh! Now can we RUN?!
Company: runrunrunrunrun
(Idril)
[The party runs across the bridge of Khazad-Dum with Gandalf in the vanguard.]
Gandalf: <to self> Well this sucks but at least we'll find out what kind of character the Balrog will be. Tons of possibilities, they could take some character from another movie, or play on the "flaming" angle. I did like the Bigglesworth-wight thing. Well, most likely he'll just have bad breath.
[The Balrog reaches the bridge and stands wreathed in deepest shadow. Its eyes glow like pits of hellish fire, and flame leaks from his nostrils as he breaths. The company feels the heat of its presence across the abyss, yet its enveloping shadow seems to suck at the dim light of their torches.]
Gandalf: [facing the Balrog on the bridge and holding his staff and Glamdring aloft] You cannot pass! Not, at least, until we engage in some clever repartee and swordplay! Ha! Have at!
[The Balrog makes no answer.]
Gandalf: I am a servant of the Valar! Although I may look like a frail old man I can kick your boo-tay! The dark fire will not avail you, flame of whoever that Udun fellow is!
[The Balrog's flame goes out as it steps one massive foot onto the bridge. It rises tall above Gandalf and spreads its great wings of shadow across the chamber.]
Gandalf: What? You're going to play this straight!? Surely not!
[The Balrog's bright red sword strikes out from the shadow. Gandalf parries with Glamdring, which gleams with its own white light. Their swords come together with a great clang. The Balrog falls back as his sword shatters, sending bits flying.]
Aragorn: Dude! We have to help! This is making us look bad!
Boromir: I'm with you! Let's go!
Legolas <weakly>: You cannot! You both represent the Third Age. It isn't proper for you to fight a First Age foe!
Aragorn: And it's proper for you to faint?
Legolas: Well actually, I'm from the Third Age too. That was a different Legolas at Gondolin of course, and he only appeared in a draft.
Aragorn: Are you sure? I thought....
Boromir: Will you stop!
[The Balrog casts the hilt of its sword into the abyss and steps forward, full onto the bridge. He brings forth a great whip of pure flame. As he swings it the thongs hiss through the air like fiery snakes.]
Gandalf: All right! Since you won't behave like a proper parody monster, you've forced me to take dramatic action! [brings his staff down hard onto the bridge]
[Gandalf's staff splits as great booming noise issues from the bridge. The bridge begins to crack. The rock under the Balrog's great feet crumbles, and he falls ponderously into the abyss.]
Gandalf: Whew! That was tough! Now I'm tired but it's a good kind of tired!
[As the Balrog falls it flicks it's great whip. One of the fiery thongs wraps around Gandalf's knees and pulls him down. He falls flat on his stomach and is dragged to the very edge before the thong snaps.]
Gandalf: Akkk! (clinging by fingertips to the broken edge of the bridge) Fly you fools! Oh wait a sec! Aragorn, you must lead the party on from here. And don't worry if all your choices seem to be bad ones, if you follow your heart you won't go astray.
Aragorn: Climb up! Climb up! Save yourself!
Gandalf: I can't! You must run! But Boromir, remember that no matter what mistakes you make in life, redemption is always within your reach. And Gimli! Don't be too hard on the elves. You may be surprised to find that an "enemy" will treat you with kindness and compassion. But don't try to sleep with her. Her husband may seem like a dork but he has a mean streak a mile wide.
Gimli: Gandalf! Hold on, we'll try to reach you!
Gandalf: No! Fly! Oh and Legolas! Wait, you don't need any advice, you'll do fine. Merry and Pippin! Just remember that no matter how the forces of the Shadow assail you, take heart and trust your innate hobbit wisdom. You will not fail!
Frodo: Gandalf! Oh Gandalf! Please, please try to climb up!
Gandalf: I can't! You must fly! <the edge of the bridge crumbles and he falls into the abyss> Frodo! <his voice continues as he falls> Don't forget to take pity on Gollum, for he may yet have a part to play, for good or ill. Even the wise cannot see all ends! Oh that's right, I said that already, never mind! And Sam! Try not to be too suspicious of strangers, for help.... <his voice fades to inaudibility as he falls>
[The company stares slack-jawed.]
[Orc arrows begin pinging across the chasm.]
[The company runs up the steps and out of Moria.]
(Idril)
[As the Fellowship (minus Gandalf of course) stops outside the gates of Moria (the East gate of course) the enormity of their loss hits them like a sledgehammer.]
Frodo: <wailing> This is terrible! What will I do now? Gandalf was the only person wise enough to guide us!
Aragorn: Excuse me!?
Frodo: My protector is gone! <wails> Gone! I'll never feel safe again! <sobs>
Legolas, Gimli and Boromir: Excuse me!?!
Frodo: Alas! <sobs> He was the only person who's cheerful nature could make this journey seem even remotely tolerable. <hiccups>
Merry and Pippin: Excuse me!?!?
Frodo: This is the worst thing that could possibly have happened! <wails> I've lost my most trusted friend! <sobs>
Sam: Excuse me?
Aragorn: Frodo, snap out of it! We cannot stay here! The quest must continue. Even without Gandalf you must still go to Mordor and cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom!
Frodo: I don't want to go on! I don't want to throw the ring in the fire!
Aragorn: Oh, don't be a baby!
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: AHEM!!! MOMENT OF SERIOUS GRIEVING, HERE?!! Thank you. Anyway, they wept long, yadda yadda yadda, and eventually the drum-beats faded.
Drums: DOOMDOOMBOOMDoomboomohcrapaiiiiiiiii<whimper><fizzle><splat>