(BadWargMama)
** A Warg family on a Holiday Out West **
Larry Warg: Mommy I'm hungry!
Mama Warg: Here, have a rabbit.
Larry (whining): But I don' wan any rabbit.
Moe Warg (mimic): I non' wan' any wabbit, (aside) whiner.
Larry (smacking Moe on the head): Watch it!
Mama: *sigh* well have some of the crebain from last night.
Larry (whining again): But I don' like crebain. I get feathers in my teeth.
Moe (mimicking Larry again): nut I non' wike cwebain.
Larry (ball up paw like he's going to hit Moe again): WHY YO-OOU ... I oughta ... !
Curly Warg (http://www.stupidring.com/spacer.gif): Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Warg Chief: (to pups) Cool it, you morons. (to mama warg) Time for some serious food.
Mama: Something draws near, I feel it.
Chief: That's not your line.
Mama: *shrugs* So.
(BadWargMama)
[trudge, trudge dialogue .... dialogue ... going to Gap of Rohan ... dialogue ... ... ]
(FrodoPippinSam)
[Now every one is at the bottom of the mountain warming themselves by the fire.]
Gandalf: (to Aragorn) Where do we go now?
Aragorn: I think we should go to... To the Gap of Rohan!
Gandalf: No! No! No! That would take us to close to Insengard.
Aragorn: Oh.
Gandalf: Now I ask again, where should we go? Stupid mountain.
Aragorn: Yes, very stupid and very snowy, I like snow though, lots and lots of snow. But snow doesn't get you dirty, so I like dirty stuff better, like swamps.
Gandalf: (shakes his head) (sigh)
Merry: I still think it would be a great ski resort.
Gandalf: If I were you I would be quiet being that most of this is your fault.
Merry: But I didn't do anything!
Gandalf: No indeed!
Merry: You guys are no fun. (stomps off)
Gandalf: Now as I was saying..
Aragorn: Aren't you just supposed to say: Let the Ringbearer decide?
Gandalf: yes, yes, but wouldn't this be so much better if that didn't happen?
Aragorn: Say the line.
Gandalf: oh, alright--
Frodo: Gandalf, might I remind you I said I was making no decisions till we get out of Lorien.
Gandalf: but but!
Frodo: I'm making no decisions till then,
Gandalf: That's not how the book reads.
Frodo: But this isn't the book, and what I say goes.
Gandalf: Does not!
Frodo: does too!
Gandalf: does not!
Frodo: does too!
Gandalf: Wait a minute! You never said that.
Frodo: (worried expression) yes I did.
Gandalf: Then when did you say it?
Frodo: Uhhhhhhh
Gandalf: Ah-hah! You didn't.
Frodo: but--
Gandalf: Aragorn, let us let the Ringbearer decide which path we shall take.
Aragorn: Sounds good to me. No pressure here, Frodo, but if you choose the wrong choice, then we will all perish, the quest will fail, and umm Middle Earth will be destroyed, no pressure though.
Frodo: (looks horrified) umm..uh...I uhhh..(whispering) I forgot my line, some one help!
Sam: (whispering back) say you'll go through the mines of Moria.
Frodo: You'll go through the Mines of Moria.
Gandalf: You're coming too!
Frodo: (protesting) I don't think so. Second thought, Gandalf, why don't you take this Ring, and Sam and I will go back to the Shire and live happily.
Gandalf: Don't tempt me Frodo! (thinking) I don't know why I have to say that. (aloud) Come on, no time for jokes, we go through the mines.
Gimli: Hooray! hooray! My cousin will give us a royal feast, and you, Master Elf will enjoy a dwarf's hospitality!
Frodo: (muttering) I can't wait.
Sam: (to Frodo) Me neither.
(BadWargMama)
[Warg Counsel]
Warg Chief: Alright, gang! Who's hungry!?!
Larry, Curly and Moe Warg: mutter mutter mutter.
Chief: Come on you whimps, WHO'S HUNGRY?!!
Larry, Curly and Moe: Grrr-rrr-rrr . . .
Chief: Aw, get real! My pups can do better than that . . .
Moe: We are your pups, dad.
Warg Chief: Oh, well, er, well it's time you whelps started earning your keep. Lemme hear a growl!
Larry, Curly and Moe: GRRRR-RRRR-rrrr...
Chief: That's better ... now, the reason I have call you all together is we're going on a picnic!
Larry, Curly and Moe: Yeah!
Chief: Yeah? what kinda warg cheer is that?
Curly: Oh, sorry.
Larry, Curly and Moe: Ah-woo-woo ...
Chief: We'll work on that ... anyway, we got nine people and a pony coming our way.
Moe (raising paw): So we're going to eat the pony? Won't that make the people mad?
Chief: Uh, the idea is to eat the people and then the pony is for dessert.
Larry: But the people might have pointy things to poke us with.
Chief: Well, du-uh. The idea is to avoid the pointy things and get the people.
Curly: But what if they use fire?
Chief: Fire?! Uh, well, er, I'll let your Mom deal with that, yeah. that's her job.
Mama Warg: Oh, great. I'm staying home and eating rabbit I fixed for dinner.
Chief: Aw, come on, honey, we want you to come on the picnic with us.
Larry, Curly and Moe: A picnic! a picnic! We wanna picnic!! Ah-WOO-WOO-WOO-OO!!
Chief: There, that's the spirit! See, the kids wanna go, come on, sweety-pie.
Mama: No way! you just want me along to do all the work for you, and after I fixed the rabbit already.
Larry: But we're sick of rabbit.
Larry, Curly and Moe (http://www.stupidring.com/spacer.gif): We wanna picnic! We wanna picnic! We wanna picnic!
Moe: But what about the pointy things?
Curly: and the fire?
Chief: Well, if you're that scared you can stay home with your mom-my.
Moe: I'm not scared!! Ah Woo-woo-woo-oo-oo!
Curly: And I'm hungry!! Ah Woo-woo-woo-oo-oo, too-oo-oo!
All Wargs (except mom): Let's go eat!! Ah-WOOOO-WOOOO-WOOO-OOO-OOOO-OOO
Mama: *sigh* Better follow along and see if I can manage to keep 'em out of trouble ...
(IdrilCelebrindal)
[Scene: the Fellowship gathered together on a small hill. Gandalf is writing on a large white board. Apparently some of the party wasn't too thrilled with the decision-making process used in the earlier scene.]
Gandalf: Okay, the question is "what do we do now" and we've brainstormed up the following ideas:
- Try Caradhras again with a wizard that's actually useful for something besides magiking up whiteboards.
- Try pushing a certain smart-mouthed hobbit off a cliff to appease the Mountain's angry spirit.
- Go through the Gap of Rohan.
- Go through the lovely and magnificent Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf, which is very warm, dry and comfy and amazingly similar to a hobbit hole.
- The Gap of Rohan has a great view.
- The city of Dwarrowdelf is famous for its smorgasbord.
- Go whichever way has the most orcs and wargs so we can break in my new sword.
Any comments?
Frodo: I don't think the first two or the last one are really feasible.
Gandalf: True, I suppose.
Boromir: The Gap of Rohan would be nice.
Merry: I don't like the Gap. They have a very limited selection in petites.
Pippin: The Smorgasbord sounds nice.
Gandalf: Alright, so we don't seem to have a consensus. We'll have to vote. All for Moria? Oooookay... now all for the Gap of Rohan? Sorry Boromir, it's hard to beat the little people when they vote as a block... Moria it is!
(Thranduilion)
Gimli: For the record, I'm happy we're going to Moria.
Gandalf: You would be.
Aragorn: The wind howls with wolf-voices!
Gandalf: Does it?
Legolas: I was just going to say that.
Sam: These wolf-howls freeze my blood. My heart's down in my toes.
Pippin: Eugh! How gross!
[The fellowship camps for the night on a hill. Cue the warg attack.]
(BadWargMama)
[Wargs Stalking Prey]
Mama Warg (finally getting into the swing of things): OOOO, yummy, I see beefcake.
Chief Warg (clueless): Huh?
Larry, Curly and Moe: (snickering)
Mama: Beefcake - they got two tall strapping men and a tall strapping elf, yummy.
Larry, Curly and Moe: with pointy things.
Mama (smiles): Yeah.
Chief: AHEM.
Mama (straitens up): oh, sorry.
Moe: (laughs so hard he backs into Curly)
Curly: Watch it! you'll break my leg.
Moe: I'll break your head! (Moe pulls a hair out of Curly's chest)
Curly: (squeals in pain)
Chief: Hush up you two. They'll hear us. (to Mama) you circle around to the left and I'll circle around to the right. Maybe we can snag us one of those hobbits.
[As Chief and Mama exit, Curly calls after them.]
CURLY: Hey! Bring me back a piece of burnt toast and a rotten egg!
LARRY: Burnt toast and a rotten egg?
CURLY: Yeah, I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for 'im.
MOE (pushes Curly): Idiot!
[Curly bumps into Larry]
Larry: Hey, watch it! (pokes Curly in the eye with the tip of his paw)
Curly (puts paw to eye): OW!
[Curly THWACKS Larry's nose. Larry pulls up Curly's ears and CONKS him on the forehead.]
[Curly staggers into Moe and knocks him over]
Moe (to Curly): Why you . . . !
Chief (bounding up): What's all the howling about.
Larry: We weren't howling. (to Moe) It's all your fault (smacks his head)
[Moe starts howling]
Curly: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Larry: Shut-up, you (smacks Curly's head, too)
[Curly starts howling]
Larry (looks first at Moe, then at Curly, both still howling, then joins them): AWOOOO-WOOO-WOOO-WOOO-WOOO-OOO-OOO-OOO
Chief: Oh, bother, our prey has heard you and their getting their pointy things out.
Mama (just returning): They have fire, too.
Chief: They probably think there are hundreds of us the way these three are carrying on.
Mama (grins wickedly): Yeah. I have a plan. Can you boys keep up the howling?
Curly: Soitanly.
Mama: Can you keep up the howling while running around in big circles?
Moe: I can rub my belly and pat my head at the same time.
Larry: I can chew gum and walk at the same time.
Curly: Uh, I don't ...
Larry (smacking curly on the back of the head): Get with the program!
Curly: Ow! Uh, sure.
(the three stooges ... er, wargs begin running around in circles howling. Dozens of arrows and balls of fire come raining down in their direction most of which land on Curly's bottom)
Curly: OW! OW! WOOO-OOOO-OW! OW! OW! OW! WOOO-OOOO-WOOOO-OW!
Moe and Larry begin chasing Curly pulling the arrows out of his bu ... er, tail)
Curly: OW! OW! WOOO-OOOO-OW! OW! OW! OW! WOOO-OOOO-WOOOO-OW!
Finally, a huge ball of fire lands squarely on Larry's nose)
Larry: YOOW! (rubs sore nose) ya know what? Rabbit and crebain sound really yummy right now.
Moe and Curly: Yeah! Yummy rabbits beat hobbits any day! (they run off)
Mama: The beefcake did look kinda greasy ... rabbit it is then.
[Chief (shrugs shoulders and follows his family]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: I think I'm going to--(faints from being scared)
Sam: Frodo! Mr. Frodo! It's all over now! They're gone! Wake up!
Pippin: I know how to wake him up! (recalls the Prancing Pony) (laughs evily as he walks off) Strider! Strider do you have any water buckets full of water?
Aragorn: Yeah, why?
Pippin: Sam needs it.
Aragorn: Okie dokie, hold on. (get the water pail and gives it to Pippin)
Sam: You can't toss that on him!
Pippin: You wanna bet? Merry and I did it a few years ago, you remember...never mind.
Sam: You did that! And framed me! Pippin you little---
Pippin: [squeak] Don't kill me. And do you wanna wake up Frodo or not? Otherwise he'll lay there unconscious and the Wargs will come back and eat him!
Sam: Alright, toss the water Pippin.
Pippin: You're kidding right? I'm in no mood to get yelled at. I have to get told off by Aragorn for throwing rocks into the water, you wake him up! (forces the water pail into Sam's hands and runs)
Sam: (mumbling) Please forgive me, Mr. Frodo! (tosses the water)
Frodo: (awakens with a start) Ahh! I'm all, all, all, all wet!
Sam: I'm very sorry but seeing how you were unconscious, and well I erm well, Pippin told me too!
Frodo: (stands up dripping) Ick! You could have used water, Sam.
Sam: That's what I thought it was.
Frodo: (shaking his head) No, I think it's sprite.
Sam: Sprite! I'm gonna kill that Pippin!
Frodo: Not if I do first!
(two hobbits run after Pippin and finally catch up with him)
Frodo: Why I'm gonna!
Pippin: Nice to see you're awake! Sam was the one that threw the water!
Frodo: Water my foot!
Aragorn: (calling) Pippin? What did you do with that bucket? It was my Sprite that I wasn't supposed to have on set!
(Thranduilion)
Gandalf: Well, we seem to have beaten off that dreadful warg attack with my one ball of fire.
Legolas: I didn't even get to shoot a single arrow! I wanna go shoot something with my bow now, I'm all restless.
Gandalf: You would be.
Sam: Well, Mr. Gandalf, that ball of fire of yours was an eye-opener and no mistake!
Aragorn: What'd you say that for?
Sam: Well, it's some people's favorite line, and I couldn't just leave it out.
Frodo: But don't you remember, you already said it back when Gandalf-
Gandalf: That's quite enough out of you, my dear hobbits!
Merry: Can we get on with the quest now? Please?
Legolas: Yeah, let's get to the part where I shoot something with my bow!
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: And so, the Company trudged on toward Moria...
Company: (trudge, trudge, trudge...)
Gandalf: You know, those were no ordinary wolves, back there.
Boromir: How do you know that?
Gandalf: It was the slapstick: it gave away their evil nature.
Odd Narrator: Gandalf searched for the old road to Moria, which had followed a stream. However, they saw no sign of water, and also no living thing.
Sam: *whispering* Mr. Frodo, I'm startin' to wonder if Gandalf is lost.
Frodo: Nonsense, Sam. I'm sure he'll find the way soon enough.
(trudge, trudge, trudge)
Gimli: Gandalf! I've found the stream bed!
Gandalf: Ah, here it is at last. But what happened to the water, do you suppose?
Pippin: Does this mean we're there?
Gandalf: No. We've still many miles ahead of us.
Hobbits: [GROAN!]
(trudge, trudge, trudge)
(DancinLikeHobbit)
Frodo: (To Gandalf) Is it too late to change my vote?
Gandalf: Yes. But don't worry, when we're all in grave danger, all you have to do is sigh, and make puppy-dog eyes, and our audience will forget all about this being your fault. They'll probably blame Pippin. Everything's usually his fault anyway.
Obnoxious Narrator: Frodo was comforted, Pippin insulted, and the illustrious Fellowship continued on their way.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: Alright, that's getting old.
Pippin: Is that a maybe?
Aragorn: Stupid halfling. (To himself) When our food supplies run low and we have to do a Donner party, he's the first one to go.
Gimli: (Has been talking for some time) . . . and then you can meet Balin, and you can see the guest rooms, and meet my friends. . . (continues)
Merry: Want to hear something funny? He keeps talking, like we're listening, or something.
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Gandalf: So Gimli, when's the last time anyone's heard from Balin?
Gimil: Let's see... ummmm... 30 years I believe.
Gandalf: And how long since anyone's heard from these "friends"?
Gimli: About the same.
Gandalf: So you aren't at all suspicious that maybe, possibly, something went wrong with the colony?
Gimli: Why should I be?
(Thranduilion)
Gimli: There's the Wall of Moria! I see it! Woo hoo! Balin, here I come!
Boromir: I'm not so sure about this.
Pippin: I'm hungry!
Bill: (sigh) Do I get to leave soon?
(DancinLikeHobbit)
Obnoxious Narrator: General bickering continues for quite a bit, and through the magic of editing thanks to PB&J, the Fellowship reaches the doors to Moria before the audience can start throwing things at the screen.
Gandalf: . . . And of course, there's a whole password thing involved, but the average twelve year old wizard can hack in, no sweat.
Merry: That's a relief. While you figure that out, I'm going to throw rocks into the water without punishment, and then as Pippin picks up his first rock we can start a witch hunt.
(lotr42)
[The camera pans ahead into the valley, filled with a great dark lake. From the far side comes a soft sound: a swish followed by a plop. Ripples forming ever widening black rings expand outward from the side as a long sinuous tentacle slides back under the black water as if in wait....]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Our heroes wait some for the spark of genius to occur.
[Boromir chucks a rock into the lake..skip...skip...skip..]
Merry: Hey.. good one.. let me try..(skip.. skip... plunk) Oh.. dang.
Pippin: Oh.. I love this (skip.. skip...skip...skip..blub.)
Boromir: Stupid lake..it is all nasty and gross.
Merry: (looking concerned) And.. it is moving too.
Pippin: I wish we could get away.. but there isn't really an escape route open..geeze..what good is a Wizard if he can't get a door open.
(DancinLikeHobbit)
Obnoxious Narrator: Four hours pass. Gandalf has been screaming gibberish at the doors and waving his staff menacingly, but nothing works. Suddenly, PB&J thinks of something. Frodo hasn't done a damn thing the whole journey, why not let him solve the riddle?
Frodo: I have an idea! Since I haven't done a damn thing the whole journey, why not let me solve the riddle?
Sam: Do you know the answer.
Frodo: Of course I do. I looked ahead in the script.
All: ::::gasp!::::
Frodo: We've been here for four hours, there's nothing else to do. Now. The riddle says "Speak friend, and enter". What's the elvish word for friend?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Gandalf: The elvish word for friend? Why are you asking me? Do you think I automatically speak elvish or something? Why not ask the elf?
Frodo: Alright, (sighs) (unenthusiastically) Leggy, what is the elvish word for friend?
Leggy: Watermelons!
Frodo: (rolls his eyes) Watermelons. We sit here for hours and you say WATERMELONS!?
Leggy: Yeah, 'cause I'm hungy and want a watermelon.
Frodo: WHAT IS THE ELVISH WORD FOR FRIEND?
Leggy: oh, that's easy. Mellon.
(everyone but Sam and Aragorn stand waiting for the doors to open.)
Sam: (sniff) I'm going to miss you, Bill.
Bill: Don't cry, I'll go back to Rivendell.
Sam: (wipes a sleeve across his nose) So I'll see you when you get back?
Bill: Yes, Sam, When you get back. We'll have a long talk and everything will be as happy and joyful as ever.
Sam: I'll miss you so (sniff) much.
Bill: I'm sure I'll miss you too.
Sam: (to Aragorn) Are you sure he can't come with us?
Aragorn: The Mines of Moria are no place for a pony, not even one so brave as Bill.
Sam: But what about those wolves that attacked us earlier?
Aragorn: Bill's smart, he'll get back to Rivendell. (thinking) Which is more than I can say for you.
Sam: (turns to Bill) Alright, I love you Bill, go back to Rivendell and find a nice horse-girl and start a family and I'll see you when I get there.
Bill: Okie dokie. Bye Sam!
Sam: (waving) Bye Bill!
(BadWargMama)
Bored Narrator: When the unsuspecting pony showed up again sans nine companions with pointy things and fire the wargs paid him no mind whatsoever. You see, they all had food poisoning from eating Mama Wargs rabbits which had been left out in the open with no refrigeration to keep it from spoiling. They lay about the ground, tongues hanging out, feet in the air, moaning and groaning. The sight of the *sweet* pony set them all off p**king, so they just told him to beat it. With a neigh and the flick of his tail, he did. He beat it all the way back to Rivendell ....... so there ...
(DancinLikeHobbit)
Merry: Careful Sam, you wouldn't want to make Frodo jealous.
Sam: (whirls around to Merry) I thought we already cleared up that I was batting from the right side of the plate! You're the one with a girl's name! I'm leaving Frodo to the Barmaid! She can have him!
Frodo: What?!?!
Barmaid: (Some twenty feet away, in the shadows) Yes!!
Ring: What was that?
Frodo: Not you too.
[Doors of Moria open with a boom]
Gandalf: Shut up! Leggy has most dramatically given us the password, which I've known the whole time, and if anyone bothers to read the book, they'll see *I* in fact was the one to figure it out.
Frodo: The doors open!
Pippin: The doors open!
Gimli: The doors open!
Sam: (under his breath) They're only styrofoam)
Frodo: Shh!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: (very sarcasticly because he's in a bad mood) Let's not just stand here, lets go in!
Sam: Mr. Frodo, are you still mad about the Sprite?
Frodo: (glaring) Let's try to forget about it.
Pippin: It wasn't my fault, honestly!
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: Okeee dokeee.. let's go in and....
Gimli: Cool! (jumps up and clicks his heels)
Boromir: (to Pippin) Wow.. did you see Gimli.. he's like a leprechaun!
(FrodoPippinSam)
[Slowly everyone walks in. First Gandalf, then Aragorn, Pippin, Merry, Legolas, Gimli,Borimor, Sam, then Frodo. The barmaid waits outside for her chance. ]
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Bizarre Narrator: Suddenly dozens of tentacles reach out of the water. One grabs the unsuspecting barmaid by one leg and lifts her into the air. She lets out a piercing scream.
The fellowship looks on in horror as a massive shape surfaces. A huge horrible mouth gapes open, revealing row upon row of gleaming triangular teeth.
Legolas reacts first, shooting an arrow toward a yellow slitted eye the size of a hobbit's head. The eye blinks and the arrow bounces harmlessly off skin like armor plating.
Before the others can make a move, the barmaid is lowered toward the great mouth. As she is lowered she begins crying pathetically for her Mother. Then the screams stop abruptly as the mouth closes on the struggling form with a sickening series of crunches.
Frodo: That sucks.
Sam: Yep.
(merithehobbit and Idril a little bit)
Watcher in the Water: Yum. Hobbit.. oooh lookie how pretty his eyes are! (long scary tentacles emerge and grab Frodo)
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Bizarre Narrator: (whispers) Obviously this is a different Watcher in the Water that says clever things rather than just eating it's victims right away.
(merithehobbit and Idril a little bit)
Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Help Me... tough guy alert! Help me... beautiful hero is in trouble!
Aragorn: Oh.. Pippin.. did you do that!
Sam and Aragorn: (storm over to start chopping tentacles)
Pippin: Hey.. Boromir started the rocks.. I.. Ohh... That thing is HUGE!
Merry: AAAAAA! (Backing away.. hiding behind Gandalf)
Sam: OH! OH NO! FRODO... not Frodo! Why are they always attacking my sweet friend Frodo?
Ring: Duh? Go Watcher, Go Watcher! Squish Frodo, Squish Frodo!
Frodo: Stop it! No.. I mean Help!
Boromir: Here I come to save the day! Chop, chop...ooh..lots of legs... Uh..that reminds me of something.. oh.. Legolas!
Legolas: (thwipp..pffft..twang) Hmmm. made of something tough are you... try this (pfffft)
Watcher: Ow! Dang...legs...missing...OW! Stupid Men... Ouch! Arrows now.. geeze!
[Final chop is blown and Frodo is saved... they all head to the mine with amazing speed]
Watcher: AAAAAAAAA! My beautiful tentacle! I'll get you for that... (shuts the door with a BOOM!) Heh, heh, trapped like rats with Orcs and firey Balrogs.. that'll teach them to chop off my tentacles.. ouch.. uh.. Medic?
(IdrilCelebrindal)
First Watcher: Will you stop complaining! That's always going to happen when you start yapping before you attack. PLUS, you went for the cutest one, who obviously isn't meant to die in this scene.
Second Watcher: (sigh)
First Watcher: You should try to be more scary too... that stuns them and makes them easier to grab.
Second Watcher: I feel bad enough without you rubbing salt in the wound!
First Watcher: (puts salt away) Fine. I was only trying to help. If you get gangrene, don't come crawling to me.
(dyanstar)
Odd Narrator: On the other side of the now destroyed door, it is complete blackness. The group stands in complete silence for a moment.
Gandalf: Well, the way is blocked for us. Now there is no turning back.
Merry: No one mentioned wanting to go back.
Gandalf: I know. Just FYI you know.
Frodo: What was that thing outside? I had a bad feeling when we first came upon that lake.
Pippin: And you didn't tell us?!!
Frodo: Heh, slipped my mind.
Pippin: Well, with as slippery as your mind gets, I'm surprised we've gotten anywhere at all with you along.
Frodo: Hey! Now that was uncalled for. My mind has been preoccupied with my singing sword and my yabbering ring.
Sting and Ring: Hey!!
Frodo: You are a singing sword.
Sting: Oh, right.
Pippin: Sorry, I just didn't want to be the only one picked on for my slow wits.
Frodo: No, problem Pip, it seems we're all taking quite a beating in this parody.
Gandalf: Well, I guess we should be moving on.
Boromir: Just remember, this was not my idea, so if we die down here, I hope you all will be very sorry!
(Russ)
Frodo: Sam?
Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: It's dark.
Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Sam?
Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: I'm scared Sam!
Sam: We all are Mr. Frodo, don't worry, I'm sure Gandalf will have us fixed up in a jiffy!
Frodo: Hold me Sam!
Sam: MR. GANDALF SIR! A LITTLE LIGHT?
Gandalf: Coming up Samwise!
[gandalf pulls a long thin tube from his utility pouch, shakes it vigorously and then squeezes it until a sharp cracking noise is heard. He places the object in the end of his staff and there from comes a faint green radiance]
(RUSSELBor and Bridget Chubb)
Frodo: *sigh* (of relief) Thank you, Sam. You know how scared I am of the dark...
Sam: Don't worry about it, Mr. Frodo. After Merry and his ghost stories scared the bejeezus out of you your first night at Brandy Hall, it's perfectly understandable that you'd be a little scared!
Frodo: Oh, thank you Sam! That stupid Merry...and right after my parents died, too...I'm so glad that you understand that I can't be held accountable for my actions when it's so dark!
Sam: I understand perfectly, Mr. Frodo.
(merithehobbit)
Pippin: Oooh... Gandalf has a flashlight!
Merry: Uh.. Pippin why are you holding my hand. (snatches hand away)
Pippin: (looks horrified) Sorry, Mer.. I just grabbed the closest thing.. I guess the dark (looks around and sees Frodo and Sam holding hands, Gimli and Legolas holding hands, Aragorn and Boromir holding hands....all looking at Pippin... all snatch hands away looking around like nothing happened.)
Gandalf: *Chortle* That happens in the dark ..OK..looks gloomy and scary... Oh look.. dead skeletal bodies strewn everywhere.
Gimli: Oh... No! I wonder what happened!
Merry: Do we still get to eat?
Gandalf: No... let's start trudging..softly we don't want to make any noise because we could find anything here.
Sam: Except the Barmaid!
Everyone: (loudly) Hooray!
Gandalf: Shhh.. did you hear how much you echo in here... need some baffles... let's see how long it takes before we are noticed!
[All start the walk through the dark....]
(Thranduilion)
Legolas: To all the authors of this parody, if you call me 'Leggy' or 'Legs' or any other derivative of my true, untranslated name, one more time, I'm going to perform my patented Arrow Stab Maneuver right up your b-
Boromir: Shut your trap! Gandalf said to go quietly!
Legolas: (fume)
(Merithehobbit)
Odd and Tired Droning Narrator: The Fellowship made good progress pitter-pattering their hobbit feet.. the soft walking of Legolas... were all drowned out by the loud stomping of Boromir.
Gandalf: Boromir son of a whacko... what are you an Oliphaunt? Walk quieter..
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Gandalf and Gimli led the Fellowship through the intricate passages of Moria, and they caught many glimpses of stairways, arches and passageways. There was a pause as Gandalf and Gimli whispered together, discussing which way to go.
Pippin: (squeak) I don't like being lost in the dark!
Merry: Who says we're lost?
Pippin: Well, look at them! They don't have a clue which way to go, obviously!
Aragorn: Do not be afraid! Gandalf will find the way, if there is a way to find. He'll lead us out again, even at the risk of his own life (not that I think he's gonna die or anything). He's surer of finding the way home on a blind night than the cats of Queen Beruthiel.
Merry: Who?
Pippin: Wha-?
Frodo: *whispering* I told you guys to read the supplemental literature that the director gave us! If you had, you'd know. And I'm not gonna tell you. Neener, neener!
Merry: Hmph!
Pippin: Aw, c'mon!
Frodo: Nope. You should have done your homework!
Pippin: But I just don't have the attention span for that first and second age stuff!
Odd Narrator: As the company continued forward, they were glad of Gandalf's light, for many chasms and fissures in the walls and floors, and every now and then a crack would open at their feet.
(Merithehobbit)
Gandalf: Oh...big crack.
Pippin: (Squeak)
Merry: Shh..no squeaking!
Frodo: You know... I think that knife wound by the special swords forged for evil have made my eyes more adaptable to the darkness.. creepy.
Ring: Yes.. Ringwraith..ringwriath...ringwraith.
Frodo: Oh.. be quiet.
Sam: Does your special glow in the dark eyes see the size of that massive crack right there?
Frodo: Yes.. very deep.
(BunnieBugs)
Pippin: Guys, I don't think I can jump this! Really!
Company: *chanting* Pip-pin! Pip-pin! Pip-pin!
Pippin: No! I don' wanna!
Company: PIP-PIN! PIP-PIN!
Pippin: Oh, all right, here goes nothing... AAAAAAAHHHHhhh (SQUEAK!)
Frodo: Whoa! That was close!
Merry: Are you all right, Pip?
Pippin: *in a high, strained voice* Yeah. I just...landed funny.
Merry: Boy, it's a good thing you weren't carrying wood anymore!
Sam: Rope! I knew I'd want it, if I hadn't got it!
Pippin: Yeah, Sam. Thanks for the 20-20 hindsight. (groan!)
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: Onward the fellowship went, with Gandalf ever in the lead. Through great halls and vast avenues of stone they traveled until, at last, they came upon. . .
(Merithehobbit)
Gandalf: Here we are at the three doors I don't remember.
Aragorn: I thought you have been through Moria.
Gandalf: I have. Just don't remember this part. Lets sit and ponder life in general 'kay?
Frodo: (scans the gaping room like caverns below) (thinks) Hmm... I hear pitter pattering.. flapping almost. And see creepy glowie eyes. Better go discuss the crux of the story with Gandalf.
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: *sigh*
Fellowship: *rest*
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: While Gandalf pondered the three doorways, the others looked for a place to rest. To the left was a half-closed door, which swung back easily to reveal a wide chamber.
Merry: (rushing forward) Dibs on the far corner!
Pippin: Nuh-uh! I saw it first!
Gandalf: Whoa, you two! We don't know what may be inside there. Let me go first.
Pippin: Aw, he always gets to go first.
Merry: (whispering) I still have dibs!
Gandalf: See there? You two might have been swallowed up by that hole in the floor if I hadn't stopped you! It looks a bit like a well.
Aragorn: You two would probably still be falling, waiting to bounce off the bottom! Let the guide go first while you have one.
Merry: What do you mean, while we have one? Is Gandalf going somewhere?
Aragorn: I didn't say that.
Merry: But you implied it!
Aragorn: Didn't!
Merry: Did!
Pippin: Have you had some vision-y thing or something?
Aragorn: Leave me alone!
Pippin: (muttering) Sheesh! Touchy! Well, I'll just go settle in by this well-thingy, here. (louder) Since Merry's hogging the corner!
Odd Narrator: Pippin tried to rest, but found that he just couldn't stop thinking about the well.
Pippin: (to himself) Why can't I stop thinking about that well?
Odd Narrator: He suddenly had an impulse to find out just how deep the well really was...
Pippin: I wonder how deep it is? May be I'll just hop in and see...
Odd Narrator: So he grabbed A STONE...
Pippin: Oh.
Odd Narrator: ...and dropped it in. He waited and waited and waited for it to hit bottom. Nothing.
Pippin: Good thing I decided to use the rock instead of myself!
Odd Narrator: Uh, yes. Finally, there came a distant "plunk," which echoed, loudly, back up the shaft.
Gandalf: What's that?
Pippin: I, uh...er...might have done something...
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time, and then you'll be no further nuisance!
Pippin: Well, I was gonna, but the Narrator said...
Gandalf: Oh, do be quiet!
Pippin: *sniffle*
Odd Narrator: Just as everyone was starting to relax, out of the depths came a knocking sound, which was repeated, almost like a signal. Then it died away...
Gandalf: Oooh, I've got a bad feeling about this... Aah, well. Everyone get some rest. I must go back and ponder the doorways some more...
(Merithehobbit with a little bit by Idril)
Ring: Hey all you bad guys.. I am here!! They are here come kill!
Frodo: Shh..*sigh*
Odd Narrator: Frodo, depressed and unnerved as he usually is (the big whiney baby) approached Gandalf who is deep in thought.
Frodo: Hey! I heard that!
Odd Narrator: Oh sorry.
Frodo: Uh.. Gandalf. Do you know which way to go?
Gandalf: No..I am just deciding and waiting for our scene.
Frodo: Okay.. um..I am kind of sad right now.. just look at my puppy dog eyes.. I wish I hadn't volunteered for this job.. it really sucks!
Gandalf: (glare)
Frodo: Oh.. I mean.. I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish this nasty stuff had never happened!
Gandalf: (mumbles to self) Did we do this in an earlier chapter.. in my old age.. I can't remember.
Frodo: Uh..Gandalf?
Gandalf: Oh.. So do all who see such times.. it is a universal problem.
Frodo: You're probably right... uh.. did you hear any flapping earlier?
Gandalf: I thought that was Pippin having naked time again?
Frodo: NOOO.. not that flapping... like feet.. and I thought I saw some eyes.
Gandalf: Oh.. yes.. that's Gollum.
Frodo: Gollum...here.. after Legolas and his bunch couldn't find him...well.. he gives me the creeps.
Gandalf: Yes he is very creepy and quite disgusting.
Frodo: Pity Bilbo didn't just kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: It was pity that stayed his hand... Pity and Mercy.
Frodo: Well he deserves to die after all the trouble he causes.
Gandalf: Ah.. (sits up a little taller...to look all wise for his best line) Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?
Frodo: (ponder and realization)
Gandalf: Then do not be to eager to deal out death in judgment. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
Frodo: (eyes begin to glaze over)
Gandalf: Are you having another blue eye infection?
Frodo: Huh? Oh.. no.. go on please... I learn so much from you dear Gandalf. Sorry.
Gandalf: I think Gollum is tied up with the fate of the ring.. and you.. he may have a part after all.
Frodo: (ponder)
Gandalf: (stands up) Oh... it is this way!
Fellowship: Huh.. how come it took you so long?
Gandalf: I had to have this fantastic scene.. and it smells less nasty this way.. come along.
[quiet trudging continues]
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: Onward the fellowship went, with Gandalf ever in the lead. Through great halls and vast avenues of stone they traveled until, at last, with the light of day filtering in through long channels in the stone they came upon. . .
(Idril)
Bizarre Narrator: HA! You used almost those exact words at the three doorways.
Odd Narrator: Did not!
Bizarre Narrator: Yes you did, scroll up!
Odd Narrator: That wasn't me! You moved that around on purpose.
Bizarre Narrator: Made you look. (snicker) Editing is fun.
(Russ)
Sam: What is this Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Looks like a tomb to me Sam, I think I'm getting scared again. . .
Sam: Um, Mr. Gandalf! Better come and take a look at this!
Gandalf: (shaking his head) This is evil news!
Sam: What does it say?
Gandalf: Here it is written in the tongues of Men and Dwarves: "Here Lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of Moria."
Frodo: He is dead then. I feared it was so.
Gimili: Oh crap!