(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Later that day, the hobbits met in Bilbo's room and Frodo filled them in on what happened at the council.
Pippin: Whaddaya mean, Sam was chosen to go with you? What are we, chopped liver? (Mmm, I'm getting hungry...)
Frodo: Well, they just thought, and rightly so, that Sam should come with me.
Bilbo: I offered to go, but they seem to think I'm infirm, or something. The lousy...
Merry: But how can you leave us behind? *pouts* Don't you like us any more?
Frodo: Aww, of course I like you. But that's why I want you to stay here, and be safe! Sam and I aren't going on holiday, you know. It's going to be more dangerous than any of us know.
Pippin and Merry: Oh, please let us come! *whining* Oh, please, please, pleeeeaase!
Frodo: Well, I don't know...
Pippin: C'mon! You're going to need someone with brains in this operation!
Frodo, Merry and Sam: That leaves you out Pip!
Pippin: Hey!
[Gandalf's face appears at the window]
Gandalf: And I second that, Peregrin Took!
Pippin: Aww, you guys, that's harsh.
Gandalf: Don't take it too hard, Pippin. Everyone knows you don't start to get any good ideas until the second book...er, film. And anyway, nothing's been decided yet.
Pippin: What? Nothing decided? What were you blow-hards doing in there for all those hours?
Bilbo: Well, there certainly was a good deal of puffing and blowing, if you get my meaning, but the only real decision was about poor Frodo and Sam.
Gandalf: Well, you may as well all relax anyway, as Elrond and Aragorn are doing some reconnaissance work, sending out scouts and whatnot, so you may be here for awhile until the scouts come back.
Frodo: So, we can just take it easy for awhile, and enjoy Rivendell?
Gandalf: I highly recommend it!
Merry: Pip, do you know what this means?
Pippin: PAR-TY!
(Idril)
[Sam and Frodo walking through the gardens in Rivendell]
Sam: Frodo?
Frodo: Yes?
Sam: I didn't really sleep with those elf-maidens that Bilbo set me up with. Please don't tell Bilbo and Gandalf, they'd be very disappointed.
Frodo: You didn't? Why not?
Sam: It just wouldn't feel... what would I say to Rosie Lass?
Frodo: I understand. So.... erm... I mean you were alone with them, right? What did you do?
Sam: I sang them the "The Gusty Ballade of Brave Sir Idril" instead. They liked that. Apparently elves like songs just as much as sex anyway.
Frodo: I haven't heard of that one... how does it go?
Sam:
Poor Sir Idril, a cowardly fellow,
With nimble feet and heart a of yellow,
When often was heard Idril's battle cry,
In the wrong direction would Idril fly!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Proud knights would stand with their swords and lances,
Against mighty foes, they would take chances.
But a suit and great plumes upon her head,
Idril preferred to be tucked up in bed!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Maximus Gaseous was her nickname,
As her turbulent bowels were far from tame.
Most naked flames were strictly forbidded,
A normal purp, a forest twas riddened!!!
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Once, Idril's company came upon foes,
Nice legs, ugly faces and hairy toes.
They were mean and nasty, obviously Orcs,
Idril bolted, dropping her rectal corks!!!
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
She broke wind and there was a potent roar,
Gassed were enemies, which fell by the score!
The knights all cheered, the battle was won!
Idril continued to head for the sun!
Brave, brave Sir Idril
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
She quickly turned her tail and fled.
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
We bards rejoice at Idril's victory,
Dull were our rhymes of deeds so cowardly.
Her windy nature proved to be the thing
So now, instead we all loudly doth sing
Brave, brave Sir Idril.
Brave Sir Idril ran away,
She bravely ran away, away.
When danger reared its ugly head.
She purped and all the Orcs lay dead!
Brave, brave Sir Idril!!!!!
Frodo: Hooray! Who wrote that?
Sam: Ekla Reuel, the Munchable Minstrel
Frodo: So you're still a virgin?
Sam: Well, Rosie lass and I... well we do love each other but both our families are fertile as rabbits. And I'm absolutely certain her brothers can beat me to a pulp.
Frodo: So you are?
Sam: Ummm... how should I put this. Well sometimes we go off alone and sing to each other. And when we don't know the words we just hummmm.
Frodo: What does that mean?
Ring: (whisper whisper)
Frodo: Oh! What?
Ring: (whisper whisper)
Frodo: (blushes deep red)
Sam: Sorry! You asked!
Frodo: But Sam, what am I going to do? Gandalf says I'm destined to be a permanent virgin.
Sam: Well Bilbo could set you up...
Frodo: No, no! How humiliating!
Sam: Well perhaps you could meet a nice elf-maiden here. In fact there's one by the fountain.
Frodo: What do I say?
Sam: (to Frodo) I'll show you, just listen this time then you can try on the next one we see. (Loudly) Hello Miss!
Elf Maiden: Oh hello, you're a hobbit aren't you?
Sam: Why yes, and you must be one of the stars come down from the heavens to rest in Elrond's garden.
Elf Maiden: Oh that's sweet! (giggle) Would care for a tumble?
Sam: No thanks, I drank a little too much ale with supper... if I stop walking I'd probably fall right to sleep.
Elf Maiden: Alright then, goodnight!
Sam: Goodnight!
Sam: (to Frodo) See, nothing to it.
[They walk along through the garden until they spy another elf maiden]
Frodo: Alright I think I can do that. Hello there!
Elf Maiden #2: Oh hello!
Ring: Such a pretty shimmery dress.
Frodo: I love your dress, very shimmery!
Ring: It sets off your hooters.
Frodo: It sets off your lovely hooters!
Elf Maiden #2: (rolls eyes) Goodbye! (leaves)
Frodo: Oh dear!
[Sam and and a very downcast Frodo continue walking through the garden]
Sam: Hey look, there's Strider and Arwen.
Frodo: They're holding hands, how nice. Let's not disturb them.
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: I love you!
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: I love you!
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: I love you!
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: My love for you is wider than the starry heavens and deeper than the sundering seas!
Aragorn: I love you ...um... a billion!
Arwen: You are my love, my life, my eveything!
Aragorn: You are my squashie pookie snookums lovey fuzzy bear!
Frodo: Now they're getting weird, let's go.
Sam: Righto.
[Frodo and Sam leave]
[p'dink p'dink p'dink]
Arwen: What's that?
Aragorn: Ummm... Beryl I think.
Arwen: You mean the precious gemstone that I left for you on the Last Bridge?
Aragorn: Uhhhhhh.... Yup.
Arwen: What's it doing wandering in the garden?
Aragorn: I don't know?
Arwen: EEENNNKK!
Aragorn: Ummmm... I lost track of it because I'm a big goof?
Arwen: Ding! Ding! Ding!
Aragorn: Whew. So, where were we?
Arwen: EEENNNKK!
Aragorn: Oh! I'm so sorry that I'm a big goof and lost the precious gemstone that you left for me on the Last Bridge. I'll go fetch it right away?
Arwen: Ding! Ding! Ding!
[Aragorn fetches Beryl]
Arwen: Here, let me have it. I'll have to get it set in a pin for you or you'll just lose it again.
Aragorn: That's so sweet! I love you!
Beryl: Hey, this is nice!
Arwen: I love you too!
Aragorn: I love you more!
Arwen: Not possible, I love you more!
Aragorn: Yes it is, I love you mostest!
[Scene slowly fades as the two young lovers go on and on and on...]
Beryl: Okay... now it's getting weird.
Aragorn: Oh wait!
[Scene fades back in]
Aragorn: Sorry! (to Arwen) I'm going to have to leave tomorrow. I must go scouting with the twins. Do you want me to bring you back a present?
Arwen: That would be nice.
Aragorn: I might be able to snag a warg head... or an orc hand for an orc-hand ashtray.
Arwen: Ummm... changed my mind. You just bring yourself back safe, 'kay?
Aragorn: Alright, will do! I love you!
Arwen: I love you!
Aragorn: I love you! Are you sure about the orc hand?
Arwen: Absolutely! I love you!
[scene fades]
(Bridget Chubb)
[Later, at Frodo and Sam's goodbye party (even though they weren't planning on leaving for several months)]
(BunnieBugs)
Sam: *whispering* This'll give you some extra time to work on your pick-up line, Mr. Frodo, if you take my meaning...
Frodo: Shh! Yes, I take your meaning! And I already thought of that myself, although I don't hold out much hope, after that last fiasco.
(Bridget Chubb)
Bilbo: (Bilbo is dancing surrounded by a crowd of giggly elf-maidens) Samwise, come over here! I can't handle this whole crowd by myself, if you take my meaning.
Sam: (nervous laugh) Umm...
Frodo: (gives Bilbo, elf-maidens and room in general angry, jealous looks) (Sarcastically) Go on Samwise, they're waiting for you. Go on, help Bilbo out. It must be hard for him, being the Rivendell slut and all. Good thing he's got a slut-in-training now.
Sam: (gives Frodo injured look) Hey! *whispers* We talked about this, remember? I was just singing to them!
Frodo: (who is way bitter about being eternal virgin) Suuure Sam. Right, I must have forgotten.
Sam: Why don't you go dance with them, if you're so worried about Bilbo?
Frodo: Come on! Did you see what happened last time?
Sam: Well, just don't listen to the Ring, that's all, and you'll be good.
Frodo: Welll....all right. (goes over to an elf-maiden) Hello..Would you like to dance with me?
Elf-maiden: I would love to! (she and Frodo start dancing)
Frodo: I didn't know elves were such good dancers!
Elf-maiden: Why, thank you! I didn't know hobbits could dance, either!
Frodo: Oh yes, well we have parties like this a lot...I love dancing! Especially when it's with beautiful elf-maidens like you!
Elf-maiden: Aww...
Frodo: So what's your name?
Elf maiden: My name is Lalaithwen.
Frodo: Oh, that's beautiful! But I must confess I'm surprised...
Lalaithwen: Why is that?
Frodo: Well, I just assumed that you were Luthien, after all I'd heard about her great beauty!
Lalaithwen: Oh! (thrilled to death)
Frodo: Well, they're just going to have to update the history books, now that there's an even more beautiful elf-maiden!
Lalaithwen: While they're at it, they should put someting in about you! You may be the bravest person I've ever met - none of the Elves here would ever have dared to take the Ring, at least!
Frodo: Well, yes, you know...someone had to do it, or Bilbo would have eaten the entire Council! And then what would Pippin do? He'd starve!
Lalaithwen: (laughs)
Frodo: Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?
Lalaithwen: Why...why no! But thank you!
Frodo: What?...Oh, I wasn't telling you that, I was just asking, because people ask me that a lot, and...
Lalaithwen: (now not so thrilled to death) Excuse me?
Frodo: Oh, your eyes are nice and all, I suppose, but they're just a wee bit small and beady, you know? And really only appealing to those who like poop brown. I, on the other hand, have big blue eyes (or at least, they've been blue ever since that Jackson guy came along..but anyway). I've found that the ladies are quite smitten with them...I was just wondering, as someone with not-so-pretty eyes, do you still get compliments?
Lalaithwen: (stares at Frodo in disbelief. Then slaps him hard across the face and walks away).
(Thranduilion)
[Lalaithwen stalks over to the corner. Legolas glides smoothly over to meet her, but she takes one look at him, sniffs, and turns away. He goes off to have a major Elven Prince Sulk.]
Legolas: (sulk) Gandalf's a lesbian, and nobody cares about that, but the stupid Cast sheet makes me into a female Legolas and suddenly no elf maidens will talk to me!
I can't wait to get out and shoot some Wargs. (fume)(sulk)
(Bridget Chubb)
(Meanwhile Sam comes rushing over to Frodo)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Are you all right? What happened?
Frodo: Oh Sam...what have I done? Gandalf's right. I AM going to be a virgin forever!
(unfortunately this last line came just as the music stopped. Entire room turns and stares at Frodo. Frodo turns red.)
Ring: (cracking up) HAAAAAAA.....HAAAAAAAA....Oh, that was CLASSIC! Oh, I can hardly breathe!
Frodo: (hisses) Shut...up...now. You're jewelry, you don't need to breathe.
Ring: Oh, stop being so pissy. That was all your fault and you know it. I didn't say a word.
Frodo: Hmph!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: Don't you understand, Sam? Everything! My life is ruined!
Sam: I wouldn't say that. You'll probably forget this night in no time at all.
Frodo: Not exactly what I meant.
Ring: (snicker snicker)
Frodo: Do shut up! I would reallly just like to throw you in a safe and lock you up. (under his breathe) I don't know how on Middle Earth I'm going to get you to Mt. Doom.
Sam: Frodo, I'll be quite frank with you. May be you're just not cut out to be with elven ladies. Perhaps they aren't you type?
Frodo: (sarcasticaly) yeah. exactly it.
Sam: Mr. Frodo please--
Frodo: Don't you get it? No one is my type.
Sam: (A little hurt) I meant no harm.
Frodo: I know, it just well, perhaps I don't like having my future told to me.
Sam: But Galadriel said 'Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.'
Frodo: (nudges Sam) We haven't met her yet.
Sam: oops, I forgot.
Frodo: It's alright. (no longer bitter) Go have some fun, Sam. This party is for you too! Go dance with some Elven-lass. I think I'll go to my room and lie down a while. I'm not feeling to well.
Sam: I couldn't abandon you to your room, Mr. Frodo. I'll tag along.
Frodo: It's alright, have some fun.
Sam: but--
Frodo: Go on!
Sam: Mr. Frodo really--
Frodo: No I think you should have fun go!
Sam: (burst out) FRODO DON'T LEAVE ME WITH BILBO AND GANDALF AGAIN!!!!!!!!!]]
Frodo: (laughing) oh, alright! Come along then, dear Sam. (walk off to Frodo's room)
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: As the weeks passed and the Autumn days grew colder, the scouts sent out by Elrond began filtering back. There was no sign of the Black Riders, but many wargs were roaming the wilderness
[scene: Elf maiden greets her returning sweetheart. He leaps from his horse and proudly presents her with a large grizzly warg head. She accepts it with as much elven grace as possible under the circumstances.]
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile, Elendil's sword was reforged by the elven smiths of Elrond's household.
Voice of Narsil: No, no! I don't want to go in the fire!
Voice of Elven Smith: Don't be a baby!
Voice of Narsil: AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!
Odd Narrator: As December was waning, Elrond called Gandalf and the hobbits into his study.
Pippin: (whispering) Do I have to go back in there? He tried to grab my bum last time.
Merry: (whispering) Well don't go in there alone with him, sheesh!
Elrond: It is almost time for the Company to depart. Frodo, have you chickened out yet?
Frodo: Not yet. Neither has Sam.
Gandalf: I'm still going too.
Elrond: That's good. Aragorn and Boromir will be going with you for a while at least. Aragorn's going to Gondor to try to talk some sense into that dick Denethor... and to help them defend the city and all that.
Frodo: Aragorn's going with us? That's wonderful!
Ring: Boromir's going with us? THAT'S wonderful!
Frodo: Sh!
Elrond: Legolas and Gimli will go too for some important reason that has slipped my mind for the moment.
Pippin: Legolas and Gimli are going with us? That's wonderful!
[All look at Pippin]
Pippin: Well I didn't want us to be prejudiced.
Elrond: Now we need two more to go. I was thinking of sending Glorfindel but if I do that Arwen will want to go...
Sam: Oh please, don't. That would be a nightmare and no mistake.
Pippin: But we want to go! You have to let us go too!
Merry: Yes, otherwise it would seem that you just called us in here to tease us cruelly.
Pippin: Yes, just like the other day...
Elrond: Sh! I don't think that would be a good idea for you to go, it's going to be very dangerous!
Pippin: Master Elrond, you'll have to lock me in prison or send me home tied in a sack, or I'll follow the company around like those stupid secret diary people.
Merry: That's right. I'm going unless I'm tied up hand and foot and flogged by a leather-clad elf maiden with stilleto heels and big ...
Elrond: As if!
Gandalf: Oh come on, Elrond, be a sport.
Elrond: Alright, Merry and Pippin make nine. YOU can be responsible for them, Gandalf.
M&P: Hooray!
(Thranduilion)
Pompous Narrator: And thus was the most splendid Fellowship selected by the eternal wisdom of Elrond Halfelven and the great Wizard Mithrandir, known to little people in all the lands as Gandalf the Grey. Thus would Mithrandir lead the four halflings of the Shire to play their part in the Time of the Shire-folk. Thus they five were accompanied by representatives of each race in Middle Earth, for they did not want to appear prejudiced, now did they. Boromir son of Denethor would take the same road as they many miles to his own city far to the south, and with him would go Aragorn son of Arathorn with the purpose of talking some sense into the aforementioned 'that dick Denethor'. Legolas son of Thranduil King of Mirkwood was chosen to represent the Elves and to atone for his people's mistake in never being able to hang on to their most important prisoners. And Gimli son of Gloin . . . well, he went to represent the noble and most steadfast Dwarves. So the days slipped away, and Bilbo did sing many more songs and court many more elf. . . uh, is that gag still running? So hard to keep track. Anyway, Bilbo certainly sang many more songs to his hobbit friends to cheer them as they prepared for the dark, dreadfully dangerously deadly dungeonous
Pippin: (SQUEAK)
Merry: (taking target practice with sharp rocks at the Pompous Narrator's overlarge nose) That's enough, Pompous dude! You're scaring Pip, and I really don't want to go off with the Fellowship without him . . . (muttering) need someone to blame all the pranks on grumble grumble when I grumble get my hands grumble on you (grumble).
Pompous Narrator: (SQUEAK)
Legolas: That's better. Thanks, my halfling friend. Now let's get going! I wanna go now! I wanna go nooowww! I wannnaa gooo nooowww!!
(merithehobbit)
[Scene: Bilbo's room, the evening before the party is to depart]
Bilbo: Come on in here Frodo... don't mind the mess. I have it all organized here (points to his head). (Shuts the door)
Frodo: (looking around for elf-maidens) So, uh... Uncle Bilbo what'cha want to see me for?
Bilbo: (closes shutters slightly, and reaches under the bed for a large wooden box, which he opens) Here now.. as you are going off on this insane quest..(mutters: that no one thought I could do) you may need a few things.
Here's your sword..
Frodo's Sword: (Moan, sigh, whimper)
Bilbo: Ah, it is broken you know... not much use..
Frodo's Sword: Hey!
Bilbo: I forgot to have the smiths re-forge it... must have slipped my mind.. with all the partying you know..
Frodo's Sword: Slut!
Bilbo: Shut up.. I am going to keep you back in the box.
Frodo: What?
Bilbo: Nothing... I'll trade ya.. your talking moaning sword for this (holds up shabby scabbard)
Frodo: Uh...
Bilbo: Ah, just wait.. (pulls out sword all shiny and glittery)
Frodo: OHHH! Pretty! (claps hands)
Bilbo: This is Sting!
Frodo: Cool.. the Sting?!
Bilbo: Oh, yes.. he glows when Orcs are near.. I shant need him again.
Frodo: Wow! (accepts gratefully)
Bilbo: Just watch out.. (whispers) he likes to sing.
Sting: I've been drawn here before in the pouring rain
Middle-Earth turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I was just hoping for one more campaign
'Cause it's my destiny to be the Sting of Pain
Oh yeah!
Bilbo: (reaches back into box) Ah... here it is (pulls out a parcel)
Frodo: (looking at Sting still glances over) What's that?
Bilbo: Ah.. A shirt of mail for you to wear.. to keep your self safe... you know you have to come back and fill me in on all the details for my best selling book's sequel you know.
Frodo: Aw, Dang.. mail is heavy..
Bilbo: No, no... this is light and so danged pretty.. feels good on the skin...ahem..here put it on... you'll see... try it on!
Frodo: (starts to unbutton)
Bilbo: Oooh, you're wearing my ring? And what a nice bit of chest fir you have grown since I have last seen you naked.
Frodo: (stops in alarm) You've seen me naked?
Bilbo: I know all about naked time...
Frodo: That's Pippin!
Bilbo: Oh, yea! Sorry..
[Cue special effects to get their butts in here to make Bilbo scary]
Bilbo: I... really... want... to ...touch... the....
Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRKKK!
Bilbo: RRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!
(Gets all scary for a sec)
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: Noooo Touchy!
Frodo: (runs around the bed to the window.) BILBO! YOU'RE POSSESSED!
Bilbo: (Regains composure) Ahem.. ah.. and so will you be Frodo.. before this parody is over.. Sorry about that.. it was in the contract.
Frodo: Oh, well, maybe I'll just try this mail on later... in private.
Bilbo: Well, when you do just a regular old hobbit you'll look ... but wait till they try and stab you!
Frodo: Ack.. someone is going to try and stab me?
Bilbo: Duh? Of course! Part of the adventure!
(azaeliahardbotle)
Frodo: (shudders) Who's going to stab me?
Bilbo: You will find out when they do.
Frodo: (looks at PJ and other members) Do I have a stunt double?
PJ: Nope, sorry, you, Sam, and Gollum are the only ones without stunt doubles, now stop asking foolish questions and--
Frodo: Why don't I have a stunt double?
PJ: (thinking fast) probably because we could find no one with your eyes.
Frodo: (flattered) oh, ok then. Bilbo, where were we?
Bilbo: (under his breath) And because everyone knows what happens to you, the poor lad...
(Ben)
Odd Narrator: Then Bilbo turned away and began to mutter a strange Song to music as old as.....as....well as old as Robert Plant anyway.
I sit beside the mire and think
Of animals I've seen,
Of Rotting road-killed Squirels
Or some other long dead thing
Of yellowed Bloated Carrion
In gutters that there were,
With Yellow Jackets and bottleflies
And foulness on the air.
I sit beside the mire and think
Of how the world will be
When I can walk upon the street
No matted pelt to see.
For still there are so many things
That I have never seen:
On every road, in every burg
Some beast lies turning green.
I sit beside the mire and think
Of Raccoons long ago,
And flattened Skunks upon a road
Where I shall never go.
But all the while I sit and think
Of dead beasts from before,
I catch a wiff of things like this,
Run in and lock the door.
Frodo: HHMMM... Disgusting! Perhaps I'll use it when I write my memoirs.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: So, the time finally came for the Company to set out from Rivendell. They took few weapons, hoping more for secrecy than battle. Aragorn had the re-forged blade Narsil, which he named Anduril.
Anduril: What? What kind of sissy name is that? Who told him he could change my name, the lousy git! Talk about adding insult to injury. YOU try getting re-forged sometime...
Odd Narrator: (interrupting) As I was saying! Boromir bore a long sword, an immense shield and a war horn.
Boromir: Wanna hear me blow the Horn of Gondor? *setting it to his lips*
Horn of Gondor: TOOT! Oh, wait let me try that again...BWAAAAAH!
Is that what a war horn is supposed to sound like? Help me out here...Line! Oh, never mind!
Elrond: Ahem. Boromir...DON'T DO THAT AGAIN! *muttering* Idiot! Sheesh. I'm gonna hear from the neighbors about that one.
Odd Narrator: Gimli the Dwarf wore a shirt of mail and carried a whomping big axe, and Legolas carried his bow and quiver, along with a long knife. The younger hobbits...
Merry and Pippin: Hey! Not so young!
Odd Narrator: Shush! ...took their barrow blades, and Frodo took Sting and the shirt of mithril mail hidden under his clothes. Gandalf had his staff and Glamdring, his elven-sword.
Gandalf: Darn thing doesn't glow around orcs anymore, though. The batteries must be dead...
Odd Narrator: They had warm clothes and cloaks, and spare food and blanket were carried by none other than Bill, the pony. He was now smooth and glossy, and Sam insisted that if he were left behind he would try to follow.
Bill the Pony: Ooh, I look good! Go, Me!
(Russ)
Sam: Well Bill, it looks like it's you and me buddy! It's a good thing that Mr. Bilbo knows the meaning of the word discreet! Yes sir, or I'd be in a peck of trouble if ever I was to make it back to the Shire I'd warrant! Oh well, you know what they say, A nudge is as good as a wink to a blind man!
Well now let's see, have I got everything? mmhmm, uh-huh, al righty dighty. . .D'OH! No rope Bill!
Odd Narrator: At that moment Elrond the Great came out with Gandalf and he called the company to him
Elrond: This is my last word,
Legolas: (snork)
Aragorn: (snicker)
Elrond: Ahem! As I was saying, The ringbearer now leaves for Mordor. And as it was in the days of old when I was but a lad, My father told me a story. . .
Gimili: Here we go.
Aragorn: Psst, you guys got any cards?
Merry: Yeah buddy! What're we playin' for?
Odd narrator: And so once again, Elrond droned on and on, far into the night. The stars appeared and burned brightly in the night sky overhead as if in good omen of the fellowships departing. On and on he went, telling pointless stories of meaningless things long forgotten nor really ever cared about by anyone in the first place. Of the Fall of the House of Usher and the sixteenth Voyage of Sinbad he spoke. The tall tales of Paul Bunyan and Pecos Bill and stil he went on until the last vestiges of alertness had slipped away from the remaining few who were still pretending to listen and at length all slept the sllep of the terminally bored.
The next day dawned grey, cold and cheerless, yet the spirits of the fellowship were high, for by the time the last of them had awakened, Elrond was just about done.
Elrond: And in closing, allow me to say to the ringbearer, Good luck, let no one touch the ring unless you really, really trust them. And if the ring is not destroyed, none of you need ever come back! Okay, fine, bye-bye then!
Gimili: Longwinded is he that says farewell in a day and a night.
Elrond: Maybe, but toothless is the Dwarf who ticks off a great Elf-lord of old!
Gimili: (bumping his chest to elronds stomach) Yet Axe may shorten the longwinded's tounge!
Elrond: Oh Yeah! Well, you're a do-do head!
Gimili: YOU Are!
Elrond: No, YOU ARE!
Bilbo: *sigh* Good luck, you're gonna need it!
Odd Narrator: many others of Elronds house had originally come to see the Fellowship off, but now they were simply too embarrassed to be seen with him. And as the Fellowship departed, they could still hear, off in the distance,
You Are!
No You Are!
You are -infinity!
You. . .
And so it goes....
(merithehobbit)
[Farewell to the Fellowship]
Odd Narrator: After the gracious host Elrond has bid the travelers farewell the host of Elves come to see them off.
Elves: Bye, bye now... we'll miss you!
Elrond: (waves) Good Luck!
The fellowship turns and heads up the winding trail out of Rivendell.
Frodo: Bye, see ya!
Pippin: And off we go into the wide blue yonder.. (waves)
Sam: Hey.. you are not in the Air Force.. (waves) Bye.
Merry: (Cheerily waving).. Bye, bye, bye it was great!
All walk for a while...
Elves: (Waving)
Elrond: (Waving)
Aragorn: (Waves/blows kisses at Arwen)
Arwen: (Tears flowing.. waving... looking pretty...waving....blowing kisses.. waving.)
Gimli: Dwarves don't wave.. humpfh... (trudge.. trudge.)
Legolas: (Light footed dancy walk.. waves smiles.. strikes a pose.. waves.)
Gandalf: (waves staff)
Elrond: (Plastic smile.. waves.) I think I am getting the hang of the wave thing now.. Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist..
Elf #27: Yes..it makes it so much less painful.. never use the whole arm.. too dramatic and uses way too much energy.
Elf #14: Do you think you could have made a shorter driveway Elrond? (waving)
Boromir: Waves back... sheesh how long till we get out of sight? My arm is killing me!
[All go around the bend and sigh!]
Gimli: Finally out of the Elves Domain!
Boromir: You know.. I can't believe how cheap Elrond is!
Legloas: What do you mean.. he put you up for two months... and with 5 hobbits on the premises.. that is saying alot!
Boromir: Well, here we are going on the most important mission ever and we have one pony to take all our stuff?
Gandalf: It is better to travel lightly Boromir.
Legolas: Well, now that you mention it.. both I and Boromir rode horses to get to Rivendell.. and Elrond has a huge stable.. I wonder why he didn't set us all up with horses and ponies.
Sam: It would've made it a lot easier on Bill.
Gandalf: Well, this way we get lots of fresh air and exercise.. and we get to bond!
Merry: *snork* Bond?
Pippin: You know 9 males wandering the countryside.. learning all about each other's needs and inner feelings...
Frodo: Uh.. I don't think we need to do too much bonding..
Sam: Ohh.. bonding.. that sounds good!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Odd Narrator: The fellowship is walkin' along.
Frodo: Sam, I'm glad we've left Rivendell, aren't you?
Sam: I guess, if you are.
Frodo: I want your opinion. I'm not going to squash you if you don't agree with me like Bilbo used to threaten.
Sam: Well, if you aren't going to squash me...I think I could have been happy staying at Rivendell.
Frodo: Why?
Sam: Well, I was um, well liked and known there.
Frodo: (Thinking) yeah, I was well known too, for all the bad things that happened!
Sam: yes, well, come one we've got a long road ahead of us...
Frodo: Yes, reminds me of Bilbo's song..(drifts deep into thought about the Shire and how life was pleasant there)
(Idril)
[trudge, trudge, trudge]
Merry: We're going to have to do something to pass the time while we walk. Otherwise I'm going to go insane!
Pippin: Well we could get to know each other a little more. Gimli, can you tell us more about yourself?
Gimli: What do you want to know?
Pippin: Well, ummm... what does Gimli mean?
Gimli: My name means fire.
Pippin: Well that's short and sweet.
Gimli: What does your name mean, Pippin?
Pippin: Peregrin means "A traveler in strange countries".
Gimil: That was some coincidence!
Pippin: (sigh) My parents probably thought it would mean that I'd travel to Hardbottle. They had no idea!
Gandalf: I'll go next Pippin. Gandalf means Wand-elf. It refers to the fact that I'm a wizard and carry a staff. Although I'm not an elf of course. Olorin means Dream, and Mithrandir means Grey Wanderer or Grey Pilgrim.
Strider: In my family babies are tradionally named for the sounds our Mothers cry out during childbirth... so that's where I got Aragorn. I have a lot of other names too, do you want to hear them?
Merry: Do we have a choice?
Strider: When I was fostered in Elrond's house I was called Estel, which means hope. And it was prophesied that I'll be called Elessar when I'm king. That means elf-stone. My house will be called Telcontar, which is Strider in elvish.
Merry: Lots of names, huh? That makes it easier to avoid creditors.
Boromir: I was named after a *ruling* Steward of Gondor. My name means faithful jewel.
Pippin: Legolas, what does your name mean?
Legolas: It means Greenleaf.
Merry: So your Legolas Greenleaf, which means Greenleaf Greenleaf?
Legolas: Yes.
Pippin: Can we call you Greenleaf?
Legolas: Of course not! I don't want to go around being called greenleaf. How common!
Strider: Hey, watch it.
Legolas: Oh, you know what I mean. I prefer using my un-translated name.
Merry: Right! In that case you can call me Kalimac Brandagamba.
Sam: And I think I'd prefer to be called Banazir Galbasi.
Frodo: And you can call me Froda.
Merry: Oh sheesh, Frodo... aren't you androgynous enough already?
Frodo: (sigh)
(MEDICRN18)
[Fellowship now encamped on hill. Aragorn and Boromir trying to teach hobbits swordplay while Gandalf, Gimli, and Legolas play poker]
Gandalf: Full house! Ha!
Gimli: Oh man, I should have known better than to play poker with a wizard! No one is this lucky, I just know you're using magic to cheat somehow!
Gandalf (looking righteously indignated): "Why Gimli, I'm hurt! Haven't I already told you it states in Sec. VI, Paragraph 7 of the Wizard's Code of Ethics that "No wizard shall use magic to cheat at any game of chance." Anyway I believe I noticed nothing kept you from slipping an ace up your beard awhile back?"
Gimli: Of all the nerve! You pointy hat wearing cheat...yada, yada,yada (droans on with insults)
Legolas (rolls eyes): This'll be awhile. I'll go find a spot to work on my tan.
(Stands up and starts walking,then freezes and assumes dramatic, alert pose)
Legolas: My super keen elf eyes spy something evil coming this way!
Sam: Hey in the book I spot that!
Pippin: It's a bird, it's a plane, it's--
Merry: Shut up and get down now! And stop mixing up our storyline with other movies!
(All huddle and stare in astonishment as it becomes clear it's only an old green lady wiht black pointy hat on broom swooping about)
Aragorn: Who in Mordor is that?!
Legolas: Dunno, but my keen elvish sight can see she writes a message "S-U-R-R-E-N-D-E-R-F-R-O-D-O"
Aragorn: Doesn't take keen eyesight to read that Mr. I-See-Better-Than-Everyone-Else!
Merry: But what happened to the crows?
Gandalf: Oh I heard from Saruman that they're on strike. They'd been working without a contract for months now so it was only a matter of time.
Pippin: Boy and you yelled at me for mixing up movie plots?
(Russ)
Aragorn: Stupid labor Unions! Oh well, at least we weren't spotted. Well somebody get that fire going! I'm in the mood for a weinie roast!
Narsil: I could say something rude. . .but I won't.
Pippin: Yipeee! Wieners!
Merry: Yippee! I'll get the marshmallows!
Gandalf: *sigh* So Legolas, are you gonna tell 'em or am I?
Legolas: Hey! You're blocking my rays! Step off old man.
Gandalf: I guess that means it's me.
[later]
Pippin: WHAT?!?!? NO WEINERS?
Merry: WHAT?!?!? NO MARSHMALLOWS?
Legolas: (searching through his pack) WHAT?!?!? NO SUNTAN LOTION?
Aragorn: *sulk* All right everyone, SADDLE UP!
Pippin: (Groan) Here we go again!
Frodo: Sam, would it hurt the storyline too awfully much if we just slipped away quietly here instead of later?
Sam: Now Mr. Frodo, don't you worry! There's all manner of beasts and other creatures where we be a-goin' Plenty of time for one or another of these blokes to get all eaten up!
Frodo: Oh Sam, my dearest, sweetest Sam, you always know just the right thing to say! I feel better already!
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo sir, why are you a-lookin' at me like that?
(Idril)
Frodo: Because I wanted to sing you a song.
Sam: Okay, just no humming.
Frodo: Gotcha. It goes like this (to the tune of Strawberry Fields Forever)
(FluffyGreyKitty)
Sam is overjoyed,
'cos he found him some Strawberry Soap
Bathing is real,
and something to get sung about.
Strawberry baths forever!
Bathing is easy with eyes closed,
Strawberry scent in the water.
It's kinda hard to find sometimes
but it all worked out.
It's from Elrond and his daughter.
Sam is overjoyed,
'cos he found him some Strawberry Soap
Bathing is real,
and something to get sung about.
Strawberry baths forever!
No, it doesn't come from a tree.
I mean, Samwise looked high and low,
But he might have, you know, stole it,
but it's all right,
That is, I think it's not too bad.
Sam is overjoyed,
'cos he found him some Strawberry Soap
Bathing is real,
and something to get sung about.
Strawberry baths forever!
Always, no, sometimes, we must bathe,
But mostly Strawberry soap's a dream.
Sam thinks he knows he mean it's right
but it's all wrong,
But elves, I think, would disagree.
Sam is overjoyed,
'cos he found him some Strawberry Soap
Bathing is real,
and something to get sung about.
Strawberry baths forever,
Strawberry baths forever,
Strawberry baths forever!
(Idril)
Sam: Well I liked that! I'd like a bath too but I think it'll be quite a while before any of us gets one.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so it came to pass that the fellowship struck out once more on their fatefull quest. Guided by Aragorn, they struck upon an ancient road leading in the direction of the mountain pass. Nothing further of any importance happened that night except for an ominous shadow that blocked out the stars and struck terror into the heart of Frodo, as if that is any kind of surprise! The following morning dawned bright and clear, but with an unseasonably cool, yet crisply refreshing feel to it. Finally the fellowship began the long climb up into the mountains.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No.
Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck! Why aren't you sharing that fried chicken with Master Took? Can't you see he's famished!
Pippin: Merry has FOOD?!?!?
Merry: Wha?
Pippin: Alright Merry you bogart, fork it over!
[Pippin goes streaking back towards Merry who in turn goes running for his life!]
Merry: Gandalllllllllllllf! I'll get you for thisssssssss!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: After much trudging, walking and play fighting.. not to mention bonding.. the Fellowship arrives at the foot of the most famous Caradhras.
Gandalf: OK.. I say we go over the Redhorn Gate..
Aragorn: Dunno.. lotsa cliff sides.. avalanches...
Gandalf: Or.. there's Moria.
Aragorn: I know but that is really scary too.. clastrophobia!
Gandalf: Ok.. we'll discuss quietly and let the little ones rest.
Gimli: Hey.. who you calling little.. grumble.. grumble... snore.
(Russ)
Gandalf: Well, now that we are alone, Aragorn, might I have a word with you?
Aragorn: What are you blithering about now old man? Aragorn it's too hot, Aragorn it's too cold, Aragorn light a fire, aragorn be the King of Gondor, Aragorn. . .
Gandalf: There's snow on the mountains.
Aragorn: . . .there's snow. . .on the mountains?
Gandalf: 'Fraid so.
Aragorn: (stopping)
Well THAT'S GREAT! JUST FREAKIN' GREAT! And I suppose that it's my fault that we got so late a start mr. Saruman-took-my-key-card-and-so-I-could'nt-leave-othanc-for-THREE MONTHS!!!!
Gandalf: Well, he canceled my expense accounts and. . .
Aragorn: Oh Stow it! Now what?
Gandalf: Well, you ARE the resident Ranger here. . .
Aragorn: Okay then, We go on.
Gandalf: But the snow?
Aragorn: FINE! WE GO SOUTH TO THE GAP OF ROHAN!
Gandalf: But that's too far! And we don't even know if. . .
Aragorn: (voice low and dangerous) All right then old man, which way do YOU want to go?
Gandalf: (laughing) ME? Oh my dear Strider! I am only here to offer you the benefit of my wisdom and counsel! I would never. . .Ack!. . .GASP!. . .Choke!. . .
Gimili: Hey everyone! Aragorn's killing Gandalf!
Legolas: whoopie! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Frodo: THAT'S ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU!
Aragorn: He started it!
Gandalf: Did not!
Aragorn: Shut up Grandpa or I'll lick you good!
Gandalf: Why you little. . .
Gimili: C'mon aragorn, you can take him!
Legolas: Oh yeah, five'll get you ten that the Wizard kicks the Humans butt!
Gimili: You're on!
Boromir: hey, I want some of that action! Twenty on the Ranger!
Pippin: I'll Hold the wagers. . .um, for safe keeping don't ya know.
Frodo: KNOCK IT OFF! there's not gonna be any fights, not gonna be any wagers! Gandalf, you and Aragorn shake hands and make up!
Aragorn: (mumble. mumble, mumble) Oh, okay, I'm sorry Gandalf.
Gandalf: Oh, I deserved it, *sniff* I'm just a senile old fool! (boo-hoo-hoo)
Aragorn: Oh now gandalf I didn't mean those things I said! Whaddya say, bygones?
Gandalf: You bet Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, the best damn King Gondors ever going to have!
Frodo: Thank goodness, now can we please move on, the script isn't getting any shorter!
(merithehobbit)
[a while later]
Gandalf: OK. We have decided to go over the top... and a one and a two...(starts dancing and doing the Can Can)
Aragorn: *snork* Uh.. you mean go over the pass..
Gandalf: Oh yea.. just really liked to dance in my youth.. ahem..
Aragorn: It looks all ominous... the weather forcast wasn't too good.. but hey they are always wrong anyway.. so let's go.
Boromir: Hold on. I am a wise traveler of the White Mountains.. I know a few things about mountain travel. Always bring faggots... If we are stuck in the cold up there.. well they can keep us warm.
Gimli: Pass around the faggots.
Merry: *snork*
Pippin: *giggle* What is he talking about?
Merry: A faggot is a pile of wood.. but it sounds funny in a modern virtual movie.
Pippin: Oh. I thought it had to do with the orientation thing.
Merry: Uh...
(Idril)
Gandalf: Now wait a minute. "Faggot" does have another connotation... and that one isn't very nice. So let's not use that word. We should use the word "wood" instead.
(Merrithehobbit and Idril)
Sam: We each have to carry our wood?
Frodo: Even puppy eyed me?
Boromir: Yes.. especially you Frodo.. you need to carry your wood in order build that upper body strength. I'll have to introduce you to my personal trainer when we get to the glorious city of Minas Tirith!
Frodo: You have a personal trainer?
Aragorn: Alright then. Cut the chit chat folks.. grab your wood and lets go.
Woodies: Yea! We get to go to the top! Whoo hoo!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator (well actually bordering on Bizarre Narrator): Pippin hurried off to gather the best wood could manage. However when he came back, wood in hand, he was discouraged to see the huge woods being carried by the big people. He heart fell and his wood drooped, almost dragging in the snow. Gandalf, seeing his distress, came and patted him on his brown head, and assured him that even the smallest person could change the world. Meanwhile Sam looked rather pleased with his pony, as Bill carried the largest wood of the entire party.
(aneya26)
Narrator: Our faithful crew now begins setting out with faggots in tow. They climb, and climb, and climb 'til the reach the knees of the mountain.
Sam: I didn't know mountains had knees. I've heard of the foot of a mountain, but no knees...
Narrator: Quiet you! The weather forecast turned to be correct, for once, oh darn.
[Frodo feels something soft touch his face]
Frodo: Hey, something soft just touched my face.
Sam: It wasn't me, Mr. Frodo, honest!
Frodo: No, no paranoid boy, it's snow.
Aragorn: Oh, confound it!
(Idril)
[Scene: the Fellowship trudging up the slopes of Caradhras]
Merry (rather loudly): Wow, this place is so totally perfect for a ski resort. Of course we'll have to put in an expressway through this pass here so that it's accessable from either side of the Mistys. It would take lot of blasting, but if we went right through here... then around that way a bit... (waves hand) I think that would work.
Caradhras: [loom]
Sky: [flurry flurry]
Merry: Then the ski lifts there... there... and let's see... one over there. Equipment rental over that way... and a nice big resort over here... maybe 400 rooms with a nice Galleria.
Caradhras: [Loom!]
Sky: [Snow Snow!!]
Merry: We'll have a Starbucks and a big cozy resort bar... oh and souveniers! Ha! "I reamed the Red Horn" teeshirts! Yes, and "I got spanked by Caradhras the Cruel!" Ha ha ha! (SNORT)
Caradhras: [LOOM!!!]
Sky: [BLIZZARD BLIZZARD!!!]
Sam: Mr. Merry, I don't mean to be disrespectful or nothin' but I'm beginning to think you're an errant idle-headed sheep-biting clotpole.
Frodo: Well it's getting chilly. Time for bunny slippers!
[All hobbits stop, quickly pull bunny slippers from their packs and put them on.]
Frodo: Alright, we can go on now.
(aneya26)
Aragorn: If only a device for stealing ones soul had been invented, I'd take a picture of you Frodo, standing there in your bunny slippers with snow falling all around you.
Faggots/woodies: Hey, kingy over here is starting to sound more like a faggot than us.
Aragorn: Behave, or else I shall be forced to produce a controlled flame on your arses!!
Faggots/woodies: EEP!
Sam: I don't like snow.
Aragorn: Well, maybe the snow don't like you either!
Pippin: Wha hooo!!! Hey Merry, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Merry: Sure am Pip! Snow Angels!
[Merry and Pippin proceed to flop on the snow]
Gandalf: Cut it out you two.
Pippin: You're right. Snow's good for something better...Snow Cream....mmmmmmmm....soft, melty
goodness. *drool, drool*
Gandalf: Well, from my experience with Radaghast...just be sure to avoid the yellow snow.
Gimli: Aw, gee..*zzziippppp* Can't you just let a guy write his name in the snow. WHAT!!
Gandalf: (rolls eyes) Annnyyywaayy....this weather is as I feared.
Aragorn: This weather is as I feared.
Gandalf: Quit copying me!!
Aragorn: No, seriously, check the script. That's MY line.
Gandalf: No, it's mine...don't make knock some sense into you with my staff!
Boromir: I wonder if all this snow and continued inability to get along and play nice, and get our lines right is a contrivance of the Enemy.
Legolas: There are fell voices on the air.
Boromir: No, no...see what I'm talkin' about. Look here Leggy, that's MY line.
Pippin: Nope, I don't detect any fell voices on the air, but I do detect a hint of FOULNESS in the air.
Merry: Oopss. Sorry, my bad. Just breakin' wind over here.
(Thranduilion)
Legolas: There are fell voices on the air.
Boromir: So you said, but there aren't even. Not remotely. If you wanna know what I think, I think it's all Sauron's fault, this blasted snow.
Gimli: His arm has grown long indeed if he can draw snow down from the North to trouble us here three hundred leagues away.
Gandalf: His arm has grown long . . .
Aragorn: Hey, that's better! You're quoting lines right out of the book!
Gandalf: . . . and you know what they say about men with long arms!
All: (Sigh)
(Thranduilion)
Gandalf: Long sleeves!
(dyanstar)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits in their bunny slippers and the rest of the crew continued to trudge through the snow as it became thicker and higher and higher
Boromir: Hey, where are the hobbits?
[Looking around the crew, excluding the hobbits, see four lumps in the snow about six feet back.]
Boromir: I think we shall not be able to go much further.
Aragorn: Duh!!
Boromir: I don't think we shall be able to go back either.
Aragorn: Huh?!
Boromir: The snow is just as deep behind us as it is in front of us (idiot).
Aragorn: Shucks! This trip has been no fun at all!
Hobbits: gemph umph frumph
[Aragorn and Boromir go and pull the hobbits up so they can get some air.]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Snow surrounds our brave Fellowship stranded amidst snowdrifts on a cliff side being bombarded with a nasty special Wizard Blizzard.
Prop boy: "Wizard Blizzard.. is that on the list?
Crew: Shhh..
Frodo: I am so tired... I think I am just going to sit down and freeze to death.. Kay?
Ring: Yes! DIE, DIE, DIE... then spring will come and I'll be back! Whoo hoo!
Frodo: Shuuu..slurr.. tired.
(Merithehobbit and Idril)
Boromir: We must do something...These Hobbits are going to die from exposure...even with the bunny shoes!
Legolas: Well, you know... if Gandalf would just melt a path with his staff we'd be out of here in no time.
Gandalf: Legolas.. stop joking. Just because you are not affected by the snowstorm doesn't mean you can rub it in!
(Idril)
Bizarre Narrator: As the blizzard grew in strength the party was forced to find the best available shelter and use their precious wood to keep warm.
(merithehobbit)
Boromir: I think it is time for us to get out the wood.
Gandalf: If you get out yours, I'll get out mine.
Boromir: Huh?
Frodo: Let's get these faggots all hot and bothered.
Gandalf: It is "wood" Frodo.
Frodo: Oh, yea.. sorry.. Get up the wood and burn baby burn.
Pippin: I am feeling a desire to have naked time.
Sam: Oh, Pip.. WAY too cold (whisper, whisper)
Pippin: (looking embarrased) You're right Sam.. that would not be good for the binky.
Merry: (To Pippin) Yea.. even with a roaring fire.. I don't think binky would fare to strongly in this weather...frostbite..
Pippin: Ouch.
(Idril)
Bizarre Narrator: First they used Merry's wood for kindling, lit by a spark from Gandalf's staff. Once that was going well then one by one Gimli and the Big People made their ligneous contributions. Bill's large wood lasted an especially long time, much to everyone's delight. They were worried that all would be spent before the blizzard let up, but just as Sam and Frodo threw their wood in, the snowfall abruptly stopped. Pippin had been saving his wood for last, as he was very frightened and for some reason holding on to it gave him comfort.
(Thranduilion)
Sam's blade: (nudging Sting) Psst, so where'd the joke go? That wasn't funny at all.
Sting: Don't stand so close to me!
(Idril)
Bizarre Narrator: At last the sky cleared, the sun came out and the dreadful, deadly mountain slope seemed to be transformed into a beautiful fairyland.
(Merithehobbit)
Aragorn: I am the tallest so I will bravely dig a path back down..
Boromir: I am the widest so I will too...let's go!
Hobbits: shiver...huddle...brrrrr
Gimli: Good thing I have all this hair to keep the snow off. I knew it would come in handy.
Legolas: (watching the diggers) Uh..you buff dudes dig.. I am going to go for a jog on the snow. (skips across the snow down the mountain)
Merry: How (shiver) does (shiver) he (chatter) do (chatter) that?
Sam: He's (brrr)an (shiver)Elf! (chatter)
Frodo: Freezing...brrrr
[after a long time]
Legolas: (comes running back over the snow) They've made it through we are surrounded by drifts.. then it tapers off. (smiles triumphantly)
Pippin: Who (shiver) is (brrrr) your (chatter) dentist? (shiver) Nice (brrrr) teeth.
Legolas: Why thanks..
Aragorn: (huffing and puffing with lots of steam about him, and snow in his nostrils) OK.. we made a path.. but we have to carry the hobbits down.. No way the bunny shoes will make it.
Bunny Shoes: Whew! (btrrrr)
Boromir: I'll take you Pippin... come on.. piggy back!
Pippin: Piggy back.. I love Piggy back! Jumps up.
Aragorn: I'll haul you Merry.
Merry: (claps frozen hands) Yea! Wait.. how come Pip gets Boromir..and I get Mr. Stinky?
Aragorn: Too late now lets go.. c'mon Legolas.. you need to babysit these two at the bottom.
[They begin to wade through the snow... Boromir pushing more snow aside as they go.]
Pippin: (thinking) Wow... Boromir is STRONG.. such muscles.. he is so manly and buff...
Boromir: I am sure you are impressed with my pectorals at this point Pip?
Pippin: Uh.. well, I am impressed, you are quite strong.
Boromir: I love to work out.. have my own gym back home.
[cut to Frodo and Friends at the snow drift]
Sam: How long does it take to haul hobbits down... I'm freezing.
Gandalf: We have to stay here and wait... it is part of the story..
Frodo: Why don't you and Gimli carry us?
Gimli: Dwarves don't carry Hobbits!
[Finally the buff men come back.]
Aragorn: I call Frodo!
Frodo: Whatever... freezing.
Boromir: Dang.. I have to carry Sam. He is solid as a rock!
Gimli: Let's get off the mountain... it is starting to bother me!
[They struggle down... just in time to avoid the avalanche]