(Russ)
[Scene: Frodo is strolling along the terrace above the River. His color is back and he is once again the picture of health. It is morning and the sun is rising over the mountains in the distance. Frodo is singing an old Elven folk tune as he walks]
Frodo: Oh when the sun beats down and burns the tar upon the roof
And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof,
Under the Bo. . .
Gandalf: Hullo Frodo.
Bilbo: Hullo and good morning!
Frodo: Back at 'cha. Seen Sam? he never did come back last night. I've gotten so used to having him around I feel like I've lost my shadow!
Gandalf and Bilbo: Snicker snicker
Frodo: What's with all the snickering?
Gandalf: Um, yes, well about that, you see. . .
Frodo: Has something happened to Sam?
Gandalf: Well, . . .yes, um, Bilbo, would like to tell him?
Bilbo: Sure, Well Frodo, you see, shortly a. . .
Gandalf: Shortly after I arrived I was discussing you and your, um, predicament with Bilbo here regarding Sam's, how would you say it? Proclivities.
Bilbo: Ahem. . .
Gandalf: Oh, my apologies, please continue.
Bilbo: Yes, well, after Gandalf and I had our little talk, it was. . .
Gandalf: It was decided that something needed to be done if there was any hope making it through this adventure without several of the screenwriters getting executed!
Well, since Bilbo has been here for awhile...Oh dear me, I seem to have done it again! Pray continue dear Bilbo!
Bilbo: AS I WAS SAYING, or rather would have said. I mean as I was about to. . .oh bother, go ahead and finish it Gandalf! You're nearly there anyway.
Gandalf: Quite right! Yes, well, as I was saying, Bilbo has, during the course of his stay, proved himself to be quite the Ladies man!
Frodo:(shocked) BILBO?
Gandalf: Oh yes! He is the apple of many a young Elf-lassies eye!
Frodo: This Bilbo. The one standing here, Bilbo Baggins of Hobbiton?
Bilbo: (starting to get miffed) I'm starting to get miffed!
Gandalf: Have I ever lied to you Frodo?
Frodo: Wait a minute, let me check the script. (stagehand runs up and hands Frodo a sheaf of papers, which Frodo begins leafing through) Well, not as far as I can tell just now, but. . .
Bilbo: BUT NOTHING! I AM THE BULL-STUD OF RIVENDELL!!!!!! Glorfindel's got NOTHING on me! So There!
Frodo: My Bad Unk, it's just that back in the Shire we never heard about. . .
Bilbo: Does the word discretion ring a bell?
Gandalf: Yes, yes, well, in any case Bilbo introduced Sam to a few of his friends at the party last night and we both believe that your problem with Sam has been solved.
Bilbo: Yes indeed! My little Sam has finally gotten. . .
Gandalf: BILBO!
Bilbo: . . .his feet wet. Hmmph!
Gandalf: Okay, just checking.
Frodo: You mean Sam hasn't. . .
Bilbo: Nope.
Frodo: He is a. . .
Bilbo: Yep.
Gandalf: Until last night anyway!
Gandalf, Bilbo and Frodo: Snicker, snicker, snicker!
AHHHHH OOOOOOOO GAAAAA!!!!
Gandalf: Aha, that's the call to the council meeting. Come along now, you'll both be wanted!
[Gandalf and Bilbo start off, but Frodo hangs back a bit and grabs Bilbo's arm for a quick, quiet word]
Frodo: So Unk, all that time back home you were. . .
Bilbo: Yep.
Frodo: Wow. And now here?
Bilbo: (proudly) Yep! Biggest feet in The Shire AND Rivendell!
Frodo: Well I never!
Bilbo: We can take care of that. . .if you take my meaning!
Frodo and Bilbo: Snicker, snicker!
Gandalf: Come along you two! There'll be plenty of time for snickering later!
(pippin1986)
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile, while Frodo and Bilbo and Gandalf were...snickering a lot.... Aragorn was arguing with Boromir , it was an age-long argument.....
Boromir: Yuck. (makes face)
Aragorn: What?
Boromir: Oh come now, you weasly ranger, you know what I'm talking about...
Aragorn: (miffed) (mumbles underbreath) aragornsonofarathorntoyou...
Boromir: You get all the luck.
Aragorn: (impish grim) I knoooowwwww
Boromir: (jealous whine) How come you get all the ladies drooling over you? You're dirty, smelly, you fancy hobbits....And here I am all nice and clean-shaven, clean hair, and look (pulls out box of tic-tacs) my breath even smells all minty-fresh! And yet, noooooo no ladies come on to ME, they all run over to the smelly weasly ranger!
Aragorn: Hey! I'm good-lookin' , a whole lot better lookin' than you!
Boromir: No you're not.
Aragorn: Yes I am!
Boromir: No you're not.
Aragorn: Yes I am!
Boromir: no
Aragorn: yes
Boromir: no
Aragorn: yes
Boromir: yes
Aragorn: no
Boromir: Hah! Gotcha. So glad you agree.
Aragorn: (growls) (mumbles under breath) revenge will be sweet....
Odd Narrator: and we shall leave them arguing there, until someone comes to tear them apart...oooo that doesn't sound good.
(Idril)
Elrond: Alright I suppose we're all here. Did everyone get a copy of the agenda?
Council: (shuffling papers) Yes yes.
Elrond: Very well then. As you can see we're going to have several presentations of flashbacks, and then we'll decide to send the ring to Mordor to be destroyed.
Elrohir: whisper whisper (points to agenda item)
Elrond: Oh yes! Almost forgot. If there's time, we'll have a large argument before we make our final decision. Everyone okay with that?
Council: [mild muttering and grumbling]
Elrond: Very good! Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves then. I'm your host, Elrond half-elven, lord of Rivendell.
Elladan: We're Elladan and Elrohir, sons of Elrond. I'll be taking notes.
Elrohir: Go elves! Kill orcs!
Bilbo: I'm Bilbo, a hobbit from the Shire, otherwise known as the Burgler of the Lonely Mountain.
Frodo: I'm Frodo, a virgin from the Shire. Oh! (turns beet red) I mean a hobbit!
Ring: Tee hee!
Frodo: I've got Sauron's ring... ummmm... I mean I've brought the ring from the Shire.... oh bother.
Gandalf: I'm Gandalf the Grey, otherwise known as Mithrandir. You all know who I am.
[Miscellaneous elves introduce themselves]
Legolas: I'm Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil who is king of the elves of Mirkwood. I'd rather not say why I'm here until later.
Gloin: I'm Gloin son of Groin.
Elladan: (snicker)
Gloin: Alright you. Stop snickering and put the accent mark over the I. As I was saying, I'm a messenger from Dain of the Lonely Mountain. This is my son Gimli, who's not allowed to speak in my presence.
Gimli: (waves)
Boromir: I am Boromir, son of Denethor, Steward of Gondor. I'm here because my brother had a creepy dream about a poem.
[Miscellaneous men from the movie decline to introduce themselves, staring straight ahead with their creepy watery old eyes.]
Strider: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Chieftain of the Rangers. I'm from.... ummm... well around.
Elrond: Very good! We didn't forget anyone, did we? Well if we did we can add them to the minutes later on.
Bilbo: Excellent! Let's break for second breakfast.
Elrond: Not a chance.
(Thranduilion)
[We are pleased to introduce: The Pompous Narrator - the pleonastic wizard of superfluity and exorbitant verbosity.]
Pompous Narrator: Many items were discussed at that most learned and excellent Council led by Elrond Half-elven, descendant of the legendary mariner Earendil (that tarried in Avernien). Much was asseverated concerning the circumstances of the world at large, most particularly in the South, and in the wide lands East of the Mountains. Much of these deliberations came as unfamiliar news to our bewildered convalescent hobbit Frodo Baggins, and he listened attentively when not slipping precipitously into unconsciousness. We will not here delineate every moment of the deliberations but will instead recount first the tale which Gloin, son of Groin, brought before the Assembly. It appeared that amid the splendour of their works of hand the hearts of the Dwarves of the Lonely Mountain were troubled.
(Idril)
[Gloin's flashback]
Dwarf #1: (with beer in hand): That's the Dwarf Show for this week! Now let's watch (big smile) girls on trampolines!
Dwarf #2: (with beer in hand): Goodnight!
[Scene cuts to bikini-clad dwarf girl on a trampoline... her beard flapping as she jumps.]
Gloin: Oh sorry! I reused an old tape there. Can you rewind that?
[Flashback rewinds, then restarts]
Dog Breath Nazgul: Hail Dane, king under the Mountain!
Dain: Hail foul creature of Sauron. What is your business here?
Dog Breath Nazgul: My Lord wishes for friendship with the dwarves. He has dwarf rings to trade for information.
Dain: Information about what? And could you back up a bit, your breath is making me dizzy.
Dog Breath Nazgul: Oh sorry! Anyway, he requires information about hobbits, and especially a certain Baggins.
Dain: Never heard of either, Sorry!
Dog Breath Nazgul: I doubt that! Now my Lord wishes to find a certain ring stolen by this Baggins. If it were to be recovered, he would offer his friendship and two dwarf rings. If he is refused, things will go badly for you.
Dain: How insulting! That's worth three rings and realm of Moria at least.
Dog Breath Nazgul: I'll have to take that offer to my manager, I mean, my lord. And we'll have to run a credit check.
Dain: You must be joking, I'm the king under the Mountain.
Dog Breath Nazgul: Oh! I keep doing that. I was a used cart salesman before I became a Nazgul.
Dain: No problem. Run along home and see what Sauron says.
Dog Breath Nazgul: Will do! Ta ta!
[flashback ends]
Gloin: When he returned we told him that Mr. Baggins had moved and hadn't left a forwarding address. However, the whole thing was very disturbing. Bombur was so upset that he couldn't eat anything for several hours.
(Mouth of EOP)
Boromir: Wait. Can we just watch the beer-drinking guys again before we move on?
[Council stares at monitor showing trampoline girls] [collective sigh.]
Frodo: Ok, then.
(Russ)
Elrond: It is well that you have come, for the superior wisdom of the elves will give all the counsel you and your people shall need. And now it is time for the tale of the Ring of Power and what it is that we shall do with Sauron's little bauble! I shall begin this tale. . .
Entire Council: Groan!
Elrond:(oblivious the Groan!) ....though others shall finish it.
Odd AND Pompous narrator: And so it began, the great tale of the Rings of power and the Third age of Middle earth. All at the council pretended to listen as Elrond rambled on and on in his monotonous, whiny voice full of the smug arrogance and condescension that is typical of the Firstborn! Ugh! I don't know how Gandalf and Aragorn put up with it! I mean just who do these Elves think they are anyway? Pretending to be so wise and all knowing. Sheesh! One doesn't have to be a history expert to look back and find out just how petty and conniving the little buggers really are! While they sit around dissing Men and Dwarves and just about everything else that ever went about on too legs, they seem to have forgotten entirely about Feanor and the silmarils and. . .but I digress;
Elrond told of the making of the other rings of power, of the forging in secret of the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom. Of how the Oh-so-wise Elves caught on to his dastardly plan and secretly hid the three that were given to them.
On and on Elrond droned... taking a beautiful story full of Epic deeds, heroism, sacrifice, betrayal and redemption and rendering it about as interesting as the back of a box of cornflakes! Heck, even a cornflake box would be a breath of fresh air compared to his . . .sorry, back to the story.
Anywhoo, Elrond glossed over briefly the folly of the Elves and equally ignored the Glory of Numenor, preferring instead to go on, on and on ad nauseum about its fall and how the whole Last alliance of men and elves was really HIS idea! I mean the GALL! The sheer unmitigated GALL of the fellow! Why Gandalf let this go on is just beyond me! And that idiot Aragorn! He, of all of them should have known better!. . .What?. . .Oh, I'm sorry, I promise it won't. . .HEY!!!! LET ME GO!. . .PUT. . .ME. . .DOWN. . .
-We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by-
.. . .but I'm just a prop guy. No, of course I don't know the scri. . .we're rolling? OH!
New Narrator: Ahem, Well, Hi everyone! Having fun? Good. Okay, where are we? Leeeeet's see here. The making of the rings, the fall of Numenor, the last alliance of men and elves. . .Ah yes here we go, um it says here that the next line is Elrond's. Take it away Elrond. . .
Elrond: Ah yes, I remember the splendor of their Banners! It seems like it was only yesterday. . .
[insert harp music]
[wavering fade out]
[fade in: A vast host is arrayed for battle before the Black Gate of Mordor. Elrond stands heroically at its head along with Gil-Galad, Elendil and Isidur]
Gil-Galad: Gosh Elrond, even though you are only a herald, your wisdom and bravery are renown throughout the world, please tell us, whatever should we do now?
Elendil: Yes Elrond, though I am but a lowly human and not fit to breathe the air of your greatness, please, I pray of you, lend to us the counsel of your mighty wisdom so that we might not perish on this terrible and fell day.
Elrond: Yes, yes, there IS need of my wisdom here, still, as a herald, it is not my place to. . .
Gil-Galad: SAY NO MORE! You must be King then! Here take my crown!
Elrond: No, no, really I cannot!
Elendil: Take it Elrond, take it, it is clear that only you now possess the strength, wisdom and courage to lead us forth on this, such a terrible and fell day!
Elrond: Nay, for I cannot. . .
Gil-Galad: Do it for the men Elrond, can't you see that their loyalty to you is without boundry? That they would follow you through the Black gate and cast themselves into the flaming pits of Mount doom itself were you but to speak the word? Ask them!
Elrond: Very well then, (turning to face the army), What say you?
Entire Army: ELROND, ELROND, HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT, NO ONE CAN!
Elrond: Very well then. . .
[freeze frame]
[voice over]
Frodo: Um, excuse me Elrond, but. . .
Elrond: WHAT, THIS HAIRYFOOTED HALFING DARES TO INTERRUPT THE MIGHTY ELROND?
Frodo: Sorry, but I thought that all this happened a long time ago and the story that you are telling is not exactly the. . .
Elrond: SILENCE!!!!!
Frodo: It's just that. . .
Elrond: I-SAID-SILENCE!!!!!
(Mouth of EOP)
Frodo: But...
Elrond: FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL 1-800-SHHHHHH!
(Russ)
Aragorn: You know. . .
Elrond: WHAT!
Aragorn: nothing.
Gandalf: Elrond, our Little Frodo from the Shire does have a point.
Elrond: (crest-fallen) Et-tu Gandalf.
Gandalf: Sorry dude, maybe if you just stick to the high points and leave the rest to the historians?
Elrond: Oh alright!
[roll footage]
Elrond Voice-over: A mighty battle was fought that day, satisfied? Hmph!), And just when we had the foul host on the run, the Dark Lord Sauron himself took the field against us in all his terrible. . .um. . .terribleness! Gil-Galad went down first, then Elendil fell, breaking Narsil beneath him! All seemed lost until I, in all my Elven splendor and wrath charged upon the foul creature and, snatching up the remains of Narsil, I snicked the ring. . .
[freeze frame]
Voice of Aragorn: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Voice of Elrond: WHAT NOW?
VOA: I don't mean to be rude, but that is not the way my mommy told me the. . .
VOE: YOUR MOMMY?!?!? What would your mommy, a worthless mortal, know of such great and weighty matters? What, for that matter, would any human know of these great and terrible deeds!
Voice of Boromir: Well, actually. . .
VOE: SILENCE ALL OF YOU!!!
Voice of Gandalf: Really Elrond, this is a bit much, why don't you just finish up quickly so that we can move this chapter along hmmmm?
VOE: FINE! Have it your way!
(Mouth of EOP)
[Elrond pulls all of the film out of his video cassette and ties it in a bow on Gandalf's pointy hat...]
(Russ)
Elrond: Then the Dark lord came out and SOMEBODY picked up Narsil and cut the ring from his hand. Isildur picked it up and, chose to keep it for his own. There! The end! Happy now?
[cut to council]
Boromir: Well THAT'S a load of cr. . .
Gandalf: Ahhhhemmm! (shakes head quickly)
Boromir: Ummmm yes, well, boy I'll tell you what! If ever a tale like THAT was told in the south, it has long been forgotten.
Aragorn: I'll say!
Boromir: So, that's what happened to the ring eh? Isildur took it.
Elrond: Not quite. . .
Boromir: you mean that even though you and Cirdan the shipwright, master of the havens told Isildur to toss the ring into the fires of mount Doom he refused?
Elrond: Um yes. and then. . .
Boromir: . . .and then he was betrayed by it to his death in the Gladden Fields and the northern kingdom crumbled while in the south Gondor for a time grew and recalled the days of splendor in Numenor?
Elrond: Yes and. . .
Boromir:. . . and now our lives grow shorter and the white tree withered and the watch over Mordor slept and dark things snuck back inside?
Elrond: Um. . .
Boromir: and even though the Dark lord was defeated and his tower was thrown down and the ring was lost, none were destroyed completely and the power began to grow in Mordor again and then the ring was found and now I can speak about the doin's down in Gondor because YOUR-PART-IN THE-TALE-IS-FINISHED?
Aragorn: (snicker)
Elrond: Hmph!
(merithehobbit)
[Off screen in the bushes Sam is going over his lines...]
Sam: He's not going anywheres..(mutter mutter) Anywhere... hmmm... You won't send him alone.. no off alone...no surely... hmm..
(peeks up at the boring council... Oh... plenty of time... they're still at the banners...ring isn't flaming or anything yet!)
[Also off stage but very close to the kitchen buffet bar are Merry and Pippin.]
Pippin: (chomp, chomp)
Merry: gulp.. uh, Pip.. you have some jelly on your chin there...
Pippin: (wipes) Oh, man.. makeup on the sleeve... MAKEUP!
[Over runs a highly efficient makeup crew who powder and fix up Pippin and his sleeve]
Merry: They're getting faster..
Pippin: They would qualify for the Indy 500 pit crew!
Merry: Uh, do you know when this chapter is going to get around to the good part?
Pippin: You mean when we come bursting in and announce we are going on the quest ..thing?
Merry: Yea... I mean it is important.. the plot and all... but really.. The way Elrond drones on and on.. I hope they have a good strong coffee.
Pippin: (peers around the corner to see the action) Oh, man! They're only at the banners.. pass the doughnuts.
Merry: Here... only don't eat the last strawberry filled it is for Sam.
Pippin: I think I'll go for Powdered Sugar this time (fluff, fluff...face covered in powdery white, crumbly mess)
Merry: *Snork...snork..phflrettt* Oh geeze.. just got cream puff up my nose! (cream and sugar oozing out of mouth and nose) Oh, my sinus!
Pippin: Hahwhawwaahhhaaaa! Look at you!
Merry: Hawawwhahahahaha... look at you
Both: MAKEUP!
(Mouth of EOP)
[Scene: the Council]
Boromir: Good. [pops a tic-tac in his mouth] Let's get this cleared up once and for all. Long have my people....no, this... it's a gift..... I mean..... by the blood of my people are your lands kept safe. [shifts shoulders.]
Aragorn: [groan... slaps head.]
Boromir: If we use the Ring to defeat Sauron, we can finally have peace and get to spend more time recovering the communication thingys that were stolen from us. Palantir is still a government-subsidized company. There's no sense in continuing to pay the Dark Lord to blackout the airways with a still of his blood-shot eyeball....
Gandalf: Er um....
Aragorn: Your point being....
Boromir: We are few. It taxes our human resources department to the limit to find new fodder to throw at the Orcs every time they cross the outer Wall. If Middle Earth stands any chance at all, we need more allies than the non-communicative Lords of Rohan, who use more...
Dark Eyed Man: HEY!
Boromir: Yes, exactly. They aren't cheap to supply. I've never seen such a cavalry... d*** bottomless pits. This whole mess is giving my little brother bad dreams ya know! I'm only here because this one time... well let me show you... [produces cassette from his back pocket.]
[the Council protests as the screensaver of trampoline-jumping girls disappears. everything starts warping and swimming around.]
(Idril)
[Roll Boromir's flashback... in the hall of Denethor]
Faramir: Oh Father it was terrible! Osgalath was overrun with orcs and Easterners.
Denethor: I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Faramir, you're always exaggerating everything.
Boromir: All but the four of us were slain, Father. Faramir and I and two others. We had to swim across the Anduin to escape.
Denethor: Oh that's terrible! My brave son... you could have been killed. And you're soaked! Page, bring a blanket for Boromir before he catches his death.
Faramir: I had to swim too. Do I get a blanket?
Denethor: Don't be a baby.
Faramir: There's another thing Father. I've been having this same dream over and over.
Denethor: And?
Faramir: I think it's a message from the Valar.
Denethor: Oh, (rolls eyes) so you're a prophet now, are you?
Faramir: But! Oh dear... perhaps it's important?
Denethor: Don't be ridiculous!
Boromir: Father, I think it might be important.
Denethor: Boromir, how many times do I have to tell you, you shouldn't let Faramir's silly notions influence you.
Boromir: Well... I.... erm... I think I had the same dream!
Denethor: Oh really! Well we must hear this dream then. It might be important!
Boromir: Oh. Ooops. Well let's hear Faramir's dream so we can tell if it's the same one.
Denethor: Alright, if we must. Tell us your dream, Faramir. And try to keep to the point.
Faramir: In my dream a voice intoned this poem:
Seek ye the heirloom of Isildur king
Cousin of your sire's sire's sire.
Although it be a broken, sad thing
It can be fixed with a hot enough fire.
Seek ye the bane of Isildur king
Uncle of your great grandpa Nate.
Although it be but a little thing
Gondor's future depends on its fate.
Seek ye these things in Imladris far
Travel through danger and fear
Set your sights on the Northern star
But whatever you do, don't send Boromir.
Denethor: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard in my entire life.
Boromir: That's exactly the dream I had!
Denethor: Very meaningful! It must be a message from the Valar! Boromir, you must go find this Imladris place right away.
Faramir: But the poem said he shouldn't go!
Denethor: Don't be silly. I'm sure that part was garbled.
[flashback ends]
Narsil: Excuse me... did someone say something about a fire?
Ring: Yes... I think it said something about a VERY HOT FIRE. It would be my guess that they're planning to throw you into a VERY HOT FIRE and then hit you with hammers. It's called reforging.
Narsil: Oh dear! Won't that hurt?
Ring: Well how did you expect that they'd fix you... superglue?
Boromir: So I'm here. Where's the darned heirloom thingy and bane thingy?
Aragorn: I have the heirloom thingy (dumps Narsil shards on table)
Narsil: Please don't call me a thingy.
Aragorn: Sorry.
Boromir: Is that Isildur's sword? How did you get it?
Aragorn: He's my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather. (puts Narsil pieces back in the scabbard)
Boromir: No s***?
Aragorn: I s*** you not!
Boromir: Learn something new every day. How about the bane thingy?
Elrond: Frodo, bring forth the bane thingy... er... I mean the ring.
Frodo: (puts the ring on the table)
Ring: Oh... so that's Boromir? Yummy! He can call me a "thingy" any day.
Narsil: Slut!
Frodo: Will you stop!
Boromir: Is that Isildur's bane? How did you get it?
Gandalf: Well it's a long story.... you see at the end of the...
Boromir: Never mind, I'll take your word for it.
Gandalf: But it's a really good story. It has Gollum in it.
Old man with creepy watery eyes: Maybe we could just hear the part about Gollum?
Gloin: Sounds like a good idea to me.
Bilbo: How about we hear the part about Gollum after elevensies?
Elrond: Forget about it, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Well apparently we're skipping over my story, which, I may add, is the only one so far that's been a best-seller. How about I slip out and get sandwiches for everyone?
Elrond: I'm sure we'll be done shortly. Stay where you are.
Bilbo: (whispers to Frodo) "Shortly?" (snort) Elves and wizards can go for months without eating, they have bladders the size of Bywater pool and they LOVE to talk. They're the original meeting moths.
Gandalf: So you just want the part about Gollum, then.
Bilbo: Yes! I for one don't want to hear another endless tale about your adventures in some dusty old library.
Gandalf: (pouting) You don't like my library stories?
Bilbo: Don't pout. Spill. And try to be concise.
Gandalf: Concise is my middle name.
Frodo: I thought your middle name was "The".
Gandalf: Three letters, can't be more concise than that. Alright, on to the story. Gollum had the ring before Bilbo stole it.
Bilbo: I resent that!
Gandalf: Excuse me, I was being concise!
Bilbo: But still!
Gandalf: Alright, Gollum had the ring before Bilbo was was forced by circumstances beyond his control to take it in order to save his own life.
Bilbo: That's better.
Gandalf: Now Aragorn and I searched for Gollum for many years. Eventually Aragorn found him on his way OUT of Mordor - a bad sign. Upon questioning him, I found that he had possessed the ring for many years, and it had turned him into a creepy, disgusting creature. Just like Bilbo.
Bilbo: Hey!
Gandalf: Just kidding. Not at all like Bilbo.
Bilbo: That's better.
Gandalf: Gollum doesn't chase skirts.
Bilbo: Listen old man, one more remark like that and you're going to be known as Gandalf the Black and Blue.
Gandalf: Oh don't be so sensitive. In any case, Gollum had been captured by Sauron and had told him all about Baggins &etc. So Sauron's looking for the ring and we're all doomed. The end.
Boromir: What happened to Gollum?
Gandalf: No worries. The elves of Mirkwood are keeping him prisoner. They are excellent jailors. No escapes so far!
Gimli: You forgot about us dwarves.
Gandalf: Oh, that's right. Well just the dwarves then. None of their other prisoners have ever escaped.
Gimli: What other prisoners?
Gandalf: Gollum of course!
[Meanwhile Legolas is turning bright red.]
(Thranduilion)
Gandalf: (clearing throat, looking pointedly at Legolas) I said, GOLLUM, OF COURSE!
[Legolas bounds out of his chair and rounds on Boromir.]
Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your tax money.
[The council stares in bewilderment.]
Aglaron: (who is crouched in the bushes behind Legolas) Pssst! You've got the wrong script! Here!
[The anthropomorphic horse tosses a bundle of pages from his teeth into the hands of the embarrassed Elf, who leafs through them until he finds the right scene. He clears his throat and begins again.]
Legolas: I mean, Alas! Alas! Now has come the time for me to divulge the tidings with which I was sent to the fair house of the son of Earendil in the valleys west of my land.
Aglaron: Whatever happened to "Gollum, you twerp?!" Who does he think he's going to impress with all this "divulge the disastrous tidings" business?
Legolas: I WAS SAYING . . . As aforementioned, I am Legolas Thranduilion, son of the King of Northern Mirkwood. Now I must with desperate countenance announce that Smeagol, the foul creature known now as Gollum, has escaped the watchfulness of my people.
Aragorn: Escaped?!!!! (muttering under his breath) I TOLD Gandalf they weren't trustworthy. Any race whose guards get themselves drunk and pass out when they're supposed to be watching a bunch of paunchy, ill-nurtured, miscreant dwarves . . .
Gloin: Hey, you beslubbering, dismal-dreaming ratsbane without even claim to a decently functional sword! How dare you call . . .
Narsil: Am I being insulted again?
Legolas: Hey, excuse me! Hello?!!! This is MY scene, thank you very much! (to the Lurking Technician) Quick, roll my flashback tape.
[Roll Flashback. Scene: Northern Mirkwood]
[Sweeping shot through the magnificent trees of Legolas' homeforest. It may be no Lothlorien, but he's definitely got something to be proud of. Zoom in on a dark, slimy figure near the top of a tree standing alone far from the others.]
Gollum: Pssssssssssssssssssst! Hey, marauding band of orcses that's meant to rescue me, yes my preciouss, rescue me from the nasstyy elveses! Come here my precious orcses! Nowss the time!!
[The shrieking cries of a small army of orcs are heard through the trees.]
Legolas and the Elves of Mirkwood: *twang**thwack* *pffftpfffft* Aiyeee!!!!!
Orcs: Argh!! *bleedbleed**diedie*
[After several minutes of a tightly choreographed fight sequence with much bow work including the Arrow Stab Maneuver by you-know-who flashing his blond hair and perfect teeth, the orcs are beaten off. But Gollum is nowhere to be seen, and the two elf guards are found with their throats cut.]
Legolas: (below Gollum's tree) Alas and alack! Oh, woe is upon our people that Smeagol has escaped! Let us search high and low, over hill and through briar, deep into the Forest for his trail. Let it not escape our skill!
Legolas Voiceover: (over a montage of elves tracking Gollum through Mirkwood.) But the little bugger . . . I mean, the treacherous fiend escaped our skill after all, and my father sent me here to bring you this news.
[fade back to real time, a close up on Legolas' faintly chiseled features and bright, alert grey eyes. He flashes a white-toothed grimace at the camera.]/p>
Aglaron: (bounding up from his hiding place) That's not how I remember it! Legolas, you mphhgrrph-
[Legolas has clamped a slender hand over his horse's mouth and mutters in his ear before shoving him off the porch.]
Aglaron: *sulk*
Gloin: Very interesting Master Elf, but .. . Hey! You didn't give me a chance to get angry at you! Oh, you . . . scene-stealing liver-witted bottle-blond -
Gandalf: Gloin! Sit down and quit fondling your axe!
Gloin: *eyes flash*
(BunnieBugs)
[off set: Merry and Pippin sit idle in a hallway, listening to the council.]
Pippin: Isn't this chapter finished yet?
Merry: Good grief, no! They've just barely gotten past Gollum's escape. I think they still need to discuss Saruman's tango with the dark side, and what needs to be done with the bloody ring, and I can't even remember what else! I'm getting sleepy (yawn). At least they got Elrond to shut up.
Pippin: Do you suppose we could track down any more of those donuts?
Merry: Ach! I'm probably sleepy 'cause I'm crashing after that sugar high! If you must, go find something to eat, but don't be gone long! We're on again in the next chapter. (yawn) If it ever gets here.
Pippin: I'll just go raid the leftovers from the last chapter's party scene.
Merry: Pip, you already ate all the leftovers.
Pippin: Oh. I suppose the ones from Bilbo's party are gone, too.
Merry: After seventeen years, I should hope so!
Pippin: Well, then I guess there's nothing for it but to roach-coach it! Be back in a few. Oh--do you want anything?
Merry: As if!
(Pippin heads for the parking lot and Merry slumps against the wall, stifling another yawn.)
(Russ)
Gandalf: (drumming his fingers loudly on the table top and glaring at Legolas)
So you let him get away did you? Well that's-just-peachy! Now what are we supposed to do? Go and find him again? Not likely! We don't have the time even if we wanted to, this chapter is growing far to long as it is! Oh well, it is clear that nothing good could ever possibly come of this, we are all most likely doomed and should all probably just go back home and wait for the end to come. All my hard work wasted! Once again, Thank-you-Legolas! Well I suppose I should answer Galdor's questions, though I don't know why. He hasn't asked any yet and since we are now all doomed thanks to the ineptness of the Elves of Mirkwood it would probably just be a big waste of time anyway!
Legolas: Geeze Gandalf? Is it really that Bad? Isn't it possible that Gollum has some part to play in the story that neither he nor Sauron have foreseen?
Gandalf: Ha! Yeah right! That's about as likely as poor little virgin Frodo here. . .
Frodo: GANDALF!
Gandalf:. . .sneaking into Mordor with only SAM for company and tossing the ring into the fires of mount doom RIGHT-UNDER-SAURON'S-NOSE!!!!
[momentary silence, then]
Entire Council: HAWWWWW, HAW, HAW, HAW, HAWWWWWW HAW HAW HAW!
Aragorn: whew! Good one Gandalf, we needed a little break! Frodo and Sam going to Mount Doo. . .HAWWWWW HAWWWW HAWWWW. . .
Elrond: (wiping away tears of laughter) Oh my that was great! I haven't laughed that hard in years! Maybe there is hope after all!
Gandalf: I know, I know, I didn't mean it that way when I said it, but after it was out, the idea, just the very idea of. . . HAWWWWWW, HAWWWW, HAWWWW. . .
Frodo: What's so funny?
Aragorn: It's, it's it's, j-j-just that. . .HAWWWWWW, HAWWWW HAWWWW. . .
[after several minutes of hilarity at poor Frodo's expense the council finally composes itself and Gandalf continues with his story]
Gandalf: Well anyway, I was in the shire when a little birdie told me that I had better haul my butt down to the southland and see what was going on. The Birdie was sent by my cuzzo Radagast the Brown. We hooked up not far from Bree.
[roll tape]
Radagast: Yo Joe, what you know!
Gandalf: Huh? Gastly? is that you?
Radagast: Live and in living color!
Gandalf: So how are things?
Radagast: I have an urgent need! My bladder is full! You see anyone coming?
[Radagast looks around as if he were being watched]
Gandalf: No. Go ahead, I'll turn my back.
Radagast: Are you sure? The enemy has barmaids everywhere!
Gandalf: No, no, all is clear, I am quite sure!
Radagast: Oooohhhhhh yeahhhhhhh! HOT DAMN! Boy I needed that!
Gandalf: So, what news? How's work? How's the family? Any dark and foreboding news from Isengard or Mordor?
Radagast: Oh you know same-o, same-o, Little Mithirandir is loosing his baby teeth, Saruman is on my back night AND day! Dark forces are gathering in Mordor and the Nine are out hunting something called a Baggins in a place called the Shire. Oh and that reminds me, Saruman said for me to tell you that you are overdue for your annual performance review. he wants to see you right away! He's been in a REAL nasty mood lately too! If I were you I'd get my but down there asap! The longer you wait, the worse it's going to get!
Gandalf: Very well, I shall go there at once! But first, I'm going to do a quick once over on this years figures, just in case.
[cut to council]
Gandalf: I spent the night in Bree. I was going to crash at Frodo's place in the shire, but I REALLY needed to make sure my figures were up to date for my meeting with Saruman so I left a note with Butterbur telling Frodo what to do.
Legolas: Butterbur? Not BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR?
Gandalf: (blushing) Why um yes, the very same.
Legolas: (rolling his eyes) You trusted Barliman Butterbur with something THIS important and you have the NERVE to call me and my people inept! YOU are supposed to be one of the WISE!!!!!
Gandalf: Ahem, yes well, my bad.
[roll tape]
Gandalf: Finally I arrived at Orthanc. Everything was cool until I entered the gate. Usually it was a pretty decent place, everyone is friendly, lot's of laughing and joking, but when I rode in the place fell deadly silent and no one would even meet my eyes. For a reason I could not explain I became afraid. Saruman was waiting for me when I arrived at the foot of the tower.
Saruman: Hello Gandalf.
Gandalf: Hello sir.
Saruman: You are late.
Gandalf: Um, yes sir, about that you see there was this barma. . .
Saruman: Nevermind. There are other matters that we must discuss. Come with me.
[cut to Saruman's chambers]
[ Saruman is going over a thick stack of spread sheets on his desk. He is seated in a large chair, while Gandalf is perched on a small stool sitting opposite Saruman. Saruman is shaking his head.]
Saruman: Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf, I had expected more of you than this. I guess that Saur. . .I mean the Home Office was right. You are just not performing up to company standards. These reports are incomplete and haphazard at best! Is there something going on with you? This is not your typical level of performance!
Gandalf: Haphazard? INcomplete? I'll have you know that I checked and double chec. . .
Saruman: (waving a hand to cut Gandalf off) I'm sorry that you think so, but the evidence is right here. . .
Gandalf: Right where?! Show me, I defy you. . .
Saruman: Oh you defy me do you? Well my Grey friend, THAT is called INSUBORDINATION! I'm afraid that I have no choice in the matter but to place you on supervised probation and re-assign you to the Isengard territory.
Gandalf: But. . .You can't. . .On whose authority!?!?
Saruman: (Ignores Gandalf and presses a button on his desk) Hi Marge, be a darling and get accounting on the line for me won't you dear?
Marge: Yes Mr. Saruman, right away sir.
Saruman: Thank you dear.
Marge: You're welcome sir. Accounting on line one and a Mister Wormtongue is waiting on line two.
Saruman: thank you dear, give me accounting first and tell Wormtongue that I'll call him back.
Marge: yes sir.
Accounting: Accounting, Perez speaking.
Saruman: Hi um, Tony isn't it?
Accounting: yes sir Mr. Saruman sir, and might I say that this is a most extraordinary and unexpected pleasure, why just the other. . .
Saruman: Yes, yes, um Tony, I want you to cancel all of the expense accounts for the Mithirandir file immediately, you can do that for me can't you Tony?
Gandalf: GASP!!!!
Accounting: Yes sir Mr. Saruman sir, right away and might I also say that if you're not too busy some night, me and the wife would just love to. . .(click)
Saruman: Brown noses, (snort) well at least they're good for something!
Gandalf: No, Saruman, wait!
Saruman: Now, give me your card key to the tower.
Gandalf: But. . .
Saruman: I said hand it over!
Gandalf: NO! You can't make me, you CAN'T. You're just the regional supervisor! I'm taking this all the way to CORPORATE!!!
Saruman: (presses another button on his desk) Security, my office now! And bring your tasers!
[three very large, very mean, very ORCISH looking security guards enter the room.]
Guard #1: You called sir?
Saruman: Yes. I want you to take Mr. Gandalf's card key from him and then place him in the "quiet room" until he calms down a bit.
Guard #1: Mr. Gandalf, your key please?
Gandalf: NO! NO I TELL YOU! I'll get you for this Saruman! I'LL GET YOU!!! YOU JUST WAIT!
Saruman: Bye bye Gandalf! Say hi to that insipid cousin of yours for me won't you? Bwah-hahaaa! BWAH-HAH-HAHHHH!
[fade out]
[fade in to council]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: So that is why you were delayed? Saraman took your cardkey!?
Gandalf: Yes, that was why I was delayed.
Frodo: A card key was more important than me, and my friend and cousins?
Gandalf: Well, you must understand, Frodo. This was a very important card key.
Frodo: So my getting to Rivendell with that blasted One Ring wasn't!?
Gandalf: No, that was important but.
Frodo: Don't you think before you speak?
Gandalf: Do you ever stop whining and arguing?
Sam offset: (under his breath) he stops when he sleeps, or is in agreement with you but otherwise...
Frodo: SAM! you're supposed to be on my side!
Sam: Yes yes of course, as always.
Frodo: Now as I was saying Gandalf.
Gandalf: You and your ring were important but
Frodo: But a cardkey is more important,
Gandalf: You said it, not me!
(Idril)
Frodo: And why was your stupid cardkey so important?
Gandalf: Because... umm.... let's see.... maybe because I COULDN'T GET OFF THE STUPID TOWER WITHOUT IT!
Frodo: Oh! Never mind!
[Flashback scene: Gandalf sits atop Orthanc in the moonlight.... lovely music plays as a moth flits into the picture. Gandalf gently captures it and whispers to it in its native tongue.]
Gandalf: I need a favor, little one.
Moth: Sure thing! I'm at your service!
Gandalf: Alright, go find Gwahir and tell him Gandalf needs him to come to the tower of Orthanc.
Moth: Right! I'll go find Gandalf at Orthanc and tell him to come to Gwahir.
Gandalf: No, no! Listen! I want you to fly to Gwahir.
Moth: Fly to Gwahir, right!
Gandalf: And tell him that Gandalf is trapped on Saruman's tower.
Moth: And tell him to trap Saruman on Gandalf's tower.
Gandalf: No, go to Gwahir and tell him to come to Gandalf at Orthanc.
Moth: I'll tell Gwahir to come to Gandalf at Orthanc. Right. I'll give him the message as soon as he gets here.
Gandalf: No no. (sigh) That's hopeless, your brain is too small to hold a message.
Moth: (waves wings) But my wings are pretty!
Gandalf: Yes they are! Tell you what, see that wizard down there?
Moth: Yep.
Gandalf: Fly to him and ask him why he's carrying around a stick with a golf ball stuck on the end.
Moth: "Hey wizard guy! Why are you carrying around a stick with a golf ball stuck on the end?"
Gandalf: Right! Just like that. Then fly away fast.
Moth: Gotcha! Bye!
[More lovely music plays as the moth flutters away... leaving Gandalf alone on the tower.]
(Narsilia)
[three minutes later...]
Moth: Aaiiiiii!!! [flutterflutterflu SQUISH!!]
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so we find Gandalf sitting alone in the "Quiet room" high atop Orthanc while far below in the once environmentally friendly land of Isengard trees are felled and vast chasms are opened revealing great machines and devises belching smoke and foul gases.
Gandalf: (to himself) Ah! It is worse than I feared! Saruman has taken corporate assets and used them for his own schemes and me stuck up here in the quiet room! No doubt he has raided our 401K and pension plans funds. Is there no end to his evil!
Long I sat upon that evil pinnacle and watched as far below in the once unblemished lands about Isengard exploratory wells were drilled and clear-cutting of the once great forests continued unabated until only orcs and wargs roamed that once friendly land! I was utterly without hope until one day. . .
(merithehobbit and Narsilia)
Odd Narrator: Swooping across the gorgeous landscape of Middle Earth flies the most amazing sight...Gwahir the Great Eagle who just happened to be flying by Orthanc because it was such a great landmark!
Gandalf: Oh! Hey Gwahir... um.. can I bum a ride?
Gwahir: Sure.. but you are heavy so I can't take you all the way to the end of the world!
Gandalf: That's cool.. take me as far as Edoras.. it's not too far and Theoden owes me a favor!
(Just then Saruman comes up the stairwell puffing and wiping Moth guts off his golf ball with a cleaning rag.)
Saruman: Hey Gandalf.. there's a lunar eclipse tonight... wanna scare the locals into obedience with me? (looks around just in time to see Gandalf fly away) Noo... ack... wait... DANG! He always gets away even when I stick him up here in the Quiet Room... I guess I shouldn't have skipped Animal Control Class to be with that girlfriend...*sigh* (turns around to the stairs...) *sigh* gotta go all the way down... when are they going to invent elevators?
[Off in the distance Gandalf and Gwahir fly to Rohan.]
Gandalf: Thanks for the ride!
Gwahir: No prob... just call when things are in crisis.. we'll come and save the day again.
Gandalf: OK.. Hmmm... let's see gotta hit up Theoden for a horse... Oh Hey... lookie here some European Swallows have brought me my Staff! How convenient!
(dyanstar)
Odd Narrator: Back at the council as Gandalf is doing his best Elrond impression. Seeing if his tale will last longest, Bilbo and Frodo are becoming quite fidgety. At last Frodo kicks Gandalf in the shin.
Gandalf: OW!!! Now what did you do that for?!
Frodo: I think you have forgotten your middle name!
Gandalf: I'm being as concise as possible. Everything I am talking about is of the utmost importance, and must be told.
Frodo: Yeah, next thing we know you'll be talking about your horse.
Bilbo: snicker, snicker
Gandalf: Oh, of course, I was just about to get to that.
[Bilbo and Frodo roll eyes as Gandalf's memory reel begins rolling again.]
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so Gandalf rode atop Shadowfax, three time winner of the Rivendell derby and the Gondor Stakes, in whom the blood of the great Horses of old runs true. Across Rohan he flew, silver mane glistening in the sun, until at long last they finally arrived in The Shire at the house of the gaffer.
Gaffer: YOU! I told you las time you wuz here to keep out o' my taters dad gummit!
Gandalf: Ha ha ha! Oh Gaffer you old, loveable geezer! I missed y. . .OW!
[Gaffer whacks Gandalf with his cane]
Gaffer: I said, get heck out o' my taters you young whelp! Or so help me I'll show you the business end of my pitchfork!
Gandalf: Gaffer it's me, Gandalf!
Gaffer:(squinting) Why so it is! Well bless me! I thought you was one o' them nasty fellows in the black capes! They're up to no good I'll warrant! But my goodness! Why you're not one o' them fellas t'all, you're not even in black! Still and all, I'd ruther have dealin's with that scurvey lot than them what's taken up residence in Bag End! Why just the other day I was down there lookin' after their lawn when that no good Lobelia comes out and says. . .
Odd Narrator: On and on the Gaffer went and when Gandalf finally realized that there was little more to be learned, he turned Shadowfax and made for Bree to see if he might fare any better at the inn of old Barliman.
[Cut to Prancing Pony: Interior]
Butterbur: AIEEEEEEEEE! HELP! HELP! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! AIEEEEEE!
[Gandalf is chasing Butterbur around the large table in the center of the common room]
Gandalf: Barliman Butterbur! When I get my hands on you I swear I am going to boil you in oil and roast you over spit and feed you piece by piece to Peregrin Took!
Butterbur: GASP! No Mr. Gandalf! Please don't! Oh I knew I shouldn't have let them three run off with that there Strider! I knew it would come to a bad end!
Gandalf: Strider? Are you sure?
Butterbur: Yes sir, I'm sorry sir, but pleeeeese don't let Pippin eat me!
Gandalf: Why Barliman you old coot! That's the best news I've had in days!
Butterbur: So you ain't gonna let Mr. Pippin eat me?
Gandalf: No, no of course not! Well, I wonder if you could find me a room and something to eat. I have been long on the road and for the first time in many nights it seems I may have at least one decent nights rest!
Butterbur:(relieved) Of course Mr. Gandalf, shall I put it on your account as usual?
Gandalf: Um yes, well about that, you see. . .
[Later that night]
Gandalf: Well THIS is just LOVELY! Cold Porridge, stale bread and a pile of straw in the barn! Wait until I get my hands on that Saruman!
Odd Narrator: The next day, refreshed and rested, Gandalf continued in his pursuit of Strider and the four hobbits. Long he rode, beset at every turn by Blackriders and spying barmaids! Finally, giving up all hope of finding the party, Gandalf released Shadowfax and went on to Rivendell alone.
Gandalf: So now the tale is told. . .
Entire Council: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Gandalf: I SAID, SO NOW THE TALE IS TOLD!
Legolas: (Yawn) And I thought Elrond was a hot bag of wind!
Gandalf: What?
Elrond: What?
Legolas: I said, at least there's still a shot, we might even win!
Gandalf: Hmph! Well that brings us to our purpose here. The ring, and what shall we do with it?
Bilbo: IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING QUICK, I'M GONNA EAT IT!!!!!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: I know you all don't want to miss a single moment of this council meeting, but we're going to run out of disk space on our server if we don't speed it up just a wee bit.
[Scene: Elrond in front of a big whiteboard]
Elrond: See? Isn't brainstorming fun? Now so far we have these ideas as to what to do with the ring:
- Have Gimli hit it with an axe
- Give it to Boromir that he might smite down Sauron and become the new Dark Lord
- Bury it in the backyard
- Give it to Tom Bombadil
- Shove it up Gandalf's butt
- Send it to be cast back into the firey pit from whence it came
- Have Pippin eat it.
- Fork it over to Sauron and hop on the first boat to the West
Okay, now lets evaluate the ideas. Any comments?
Gloin: I like the one with the "whence" in it. "Whence" kind of rolls off the tongue.
Old man with creepy watery eyes: I agree.
Boromir: What about mine? It has "smite" in it.
Council: (grumble grumble) We like "whence" better. Yes "whence" is good.
Elrond: So we have a consensus?
Council: (grumble grumble) Yes, yes!
Elrond: Good! So who's going to take the ring, then?
(dyanstar)
Bilbo: I feel like we've been here for days. If I do not get to eat soon, I will most definitely faint.
Elrond: Indeed, we shall eat as soon as someone volunteers to take the ring.
Bilbo: Me! Me! I will take it! Now, let's go eat.
Boromir: BWA hahaha!!!! (Elbows man sitting next to him, notices no one else is laughing) Uh, huh, just kidding.
Gandalf: Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone at all??
Bilbo: Gandalf, I found the darn thing, I will take it back, now can we please eat?!
Ring: No, no, not him!!!!, I will not go with him!!!! That is final!!!!
Gandalf: Ah, I believe the ring is no longer your responsibility, it has chosen another.
Frodo: Dag Nabbit!!! I suppose you're talking about me?! Confounded ring!!
(Russ)
Frodo: Well, I'll do it. After all, I've car. . .
Entire council: HAW! HAW! HAAAAAAW!
Frodo: No, really. . .
Entire Council: HAWWWWWWWW! HAWWWWWWWWWW! HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW1
Elrond: Oh, F-F-Frodo! Stop it! We have got to get this, this, this. . .HAWWWWW! HAWWWWW! HAWWWWW!
Frodo: FINE THEN. One of YOU can do it!
[dead silence]
Gloin: Y'know, young Frodo here may just be on to something.
Glorfindel: Yep, ah-huh, he just might!
Gandalf: Well it is as I have said all along, there is more to these Shire folk than meets the eye!
Frodo: When did you ever say that!
Gandalf: So. It is settled then? Elrond?
(dyanstar)
Elrond: Yes, you are the chosen one most definitely!! (under his breath) That was a lot easier than I thought.
(Thranduilion)
[Legolas bounds out of his chair again, but this time Aglaron, along with Sam, Bill the Pony, AND the Old man with creepy watery eyes manage to hold him down.]
Aglaron: He already volunteered, you dweeb!
Legolas: Mpghphh!! But he didn't say the-mphghph-line!
Frodo: Oh, right, sorry.
[Dramatic pause]
Frodo: I will take the ring, though I do not know the way.
[Longer dramatic pause]
Elrond: Happy now?
Legolas: Yessir. Thank you sir. I just love that line, sir. Oooh, now it's my line. Frodo, you have m-
Elrond: NOT NOW, LEGOLAS!!! We take much longer to put together the council in this version. Now it's time for-
Sam: Me, me, sir! Surely you won't send poor Mr. Frodo off all alone, sir! There's terrible things out there, most of them attracted most fatally to his adorable blue eyes!
Elrond: This is going to be a long epic.
(Russ)
[commotion from outside]
[Angry kitchen elf enters dragging Merry and Pippin by the ears]
AKE: Master Elrond, I found these two in the pantry! They have devoured everything not locked up or sealed in cold iron! I'm afraid that we are now perilously short of provisions and worse, They drank the last bottle of the Gondolin Cabernet!
Elrond: What! Why you short, hairy footed, ale swilling, dirt grubbing. . .
Gandalf: Um, Elrond, A word if I might?
[Gandalf whispers in Elrond's ear, An evil sneer crosses Elrond's face]
Elrond: Very well then, so that the ring bearer will not go alone, these two scoundr. . .Hobbits shall accompany him. . .
Merry and Pippin: Well duh! He still owes us our share of. . .
Elrond: . . .TO MORDOR!
Merry: Squeak!
Pippin: Double Squeak!!
Elrond: HA! Psych!
Entire Council: HAWWWWWWWW! HAWWWWWWWWWW! HAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Gandalf: Frodo will carry the ring to Mordor then. well, well, now that is decided who will go with him?
(Idril)
Frodo: Oh dear! What have I done!
Gandalf: Don't worry Frodo, I will aid you with this burden. I will draw you a map.
Aragorn: I'll lend you a piece of my sword!
Narsil: What?
Glorfindel: You have my beaux!
Legolas: I never!
Gloin: And my son!
Gimli: (sigh)
[fade in dramatic music]
Elrond: Oh stop that!
[dramatic music stops abruptly]
Elrond: Oh be serious! That's no way to choose team members for an important mission! We need to set up a committee first, schedule some more meetings, evaluate resumes....
Council: (GROAN)
Elrond: Well what do you expect? Do you think I'm going to say something all dramatic just to give you all a warm fuzzy? Just imagine, a randomly selected bunch stands here together like they're getting a portrait made, I look all proud and say: "They will be the Fellowship of the Ring!" [snort]
[dramatic music returns]
Ring: So where are we going?