(Idril)
Odd Narrator: In the late afternoon the company landed on the pleasant grassy lawn of Parth Galen. They were...
Pippin: Excuse me?
Odd Narrator: What?
Pippin: What does "Parth Galen" mean?
Odd Narrator: Well "Parth" means "place of little people" and "Galen" means "running naked".
Pippin: Thought so! Yipee!
Odd Narrator: After some R&R, the company settled down for the night. It was Frodo's turn to keep watch when Aragorn awoke, feeling restless....
Aragorn: I'm restless! I feel a shadow and a threat growing in my pants!
Legolas (sleepily): I thought that was my line.
Aragorn: Sorry, go back to sleep.
Legolas (hugging his beloved gun): 'kay. Mrrrfpphhnight.
Gimli (sleepily): Roll over just a bit? Ahh... perfect.
Merry (sleepily): I'm hungry.
Aragorn (not so loudly): Frodo, Let me see your blade.
Frodo: Excuse me? Oh! [draws sting which is faintly glowing blue]
Aragorn: Orcs!
Legolas: [leaps up with assault rifle at the ready] Orcs? Where?
Gimli: Hey!
Aragorn: They must be across the river. Go back to sleep.
Boromir (sleepily): (mumble).... Me? Lead this huge army? (mumble)... Alright, if you insist... (mutter)
Pippin (sleepily): Stop grabbing my bum.
Aragorn: Well this is worrisome. You might as well go to sleep Frodo, I'll keep watch.
Sam: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Frodo: As if.
Narrator: The next morning the company gathered together to decide the FUTURE OF THE QUEST and the FATE OF MIDDLE EARTH. No pressure or anything.
(aneya26)
Aragorn: OK guys...time to go into a huddle. We need to think of a game plan. Seeing as how we no longer have a white board available, we shall have to jot down ideas here on the dirt with a stick. Our choices are:
1) Go to war in Gondor and hope for death.
2) Turn east to the Fear and Shadow (that may mean into my pants)
3) Breakup and go our separate ways
4) Let dillo Frodo decide.
Boromir: Hmmmm...death don't sound too good. Neither does your pants.
Sam: I don't want to breakup. I love you all. I mean, what did I do wrong in this relationship? Is there some way we could work it out?
Frodo: Sam, chill out.
Sam: No, YOU chill out! I've done everything for you. I gave you baths in the house of Elrond, held you in Moria when you were afraid, and THIS is the thanks I get! I'm the best thing you've ever had. You'll NEVER find anyone as good as me.
Frodo: SAM!!!!!
Sam: WHAT!
Aragorn: Alrighty then....looks like the 3rd choice is out. Frodo, it's all you man...I mean hafling.
Frodo: Umm...give me about an hour to think about it.
Aragorn: OK. Do do do, do, do do do...
Merry: Do do do do, DUP...
Pippin: Da do da do da,
Sam: Do da do....
Frodo: WOULD YOU ALL QUIT WITH THE JEOPARDY THEME!!!!!!!!!!!
Aragorn: Decided yet?
Frodo: No.
Aragorn: How 'bout now?
Frodo: Nope.
Aragorn: OK...how 'bout now?
Frodo: ARRRGGHHH!!!!! ..can't..take..the pressure [Tweak] ARRGGHHH!!
Merry: Dude, He's goin' blow.
Pippin: Yea, [snork] just like a Lemming....pop, pitty pitty, pop...confetti everywhere. Hehehe.
Merry: HAHAHAHA!! [now with only slight concern] Oh dear, somebody grab his head.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Frodo had to escape his v. loud companions for a bit. He wandered up the hill and past many great ruined works of stone. He found a quiet spot and sat, trying to steady the thoughts swirling through his mind...
(Matthew and Idril)
Frodo: Why do we park in driveway and drive on a parkway? No, no... must concentrate! Let's see... I wonder if the plural of buttocks is butt-oxen. Aggh! No! I must think of what to do!
(Idril)
Sting: We are spirits in the material world.
Frodo: What?
Sting: Oh... that was wrong. Hmmm... Love is the Seventh wave?
Frodo: Well that's nice and all but how does it help me?
Sting: Ummm... well... I never saw no miracle of science that didn't go from a blessing to a curse. I never saw no military solution, that didn't always end up as something worse.
Frodo: Well that one's better.
Ring: What ARE you guys talking about?
Sting: We're deciding to take you to Mount Doom and chuck your shiny gold butt into the Cracks of Doom.
Ring: What? No! I don't want to go in the fire!
Sting: Don't be a...
Frodo: Isn't that getting old?
Ring: You wouldn't throw me in the fire, would you Frodo sweetie?
Frodo: In a heartbeat.
Odd Narrator: Just then the group... err... I mean Frodo had a strange creepy feeling like someone was staring at him. As he turned he saw Boromir.
Frodo (startled): What are you staring at me for?
Boromir: It's not safe out here in the woods. I was just keeping an eye on you.
Frodo: AGGH! Don't say that!
Boromir: What, that it's not safe?
Frodo: No, the other part.
Boromir: Keeping an eye on you?
Frodo: AGGH!
Boromir: Oh, sorry. Now since I'm here... let's talk turkey. I'll trade you this super eagle brooch with a talking beryl -AND- a nifty book for that plain sad-looking ring.
Ring: Good idea!
Frodo: No way!
Boromir: Okay, I'll throw in my horn.
Frodo: Boromir, the ring has to be destroyed!
Boromir: Why?
Frodo: Because it's evil.
Ring: I'm not!
Boromir: See, it says it's not.
Frodo: Well who are you going to believe?
Boromir: Ummmm... the ring?
Frodo: Well I'LL believe Gandalf and Elrond. They say it's evil and should be destroyed.
Boromir: Those two... grrr. How can you trust Elrond when he can't even keep his hands off Pippin's bum?
Frodo: Nobody can keep their hands off Pippin's bum... doesn't mean a thing. I'll bet you got in a grab or two in the boat.
Boromir: Well... err... how did we get on this track anyway! The point is that I need the ring to protect my people and...
Ring: ... and become the new Dark Lord.
Boromir: ... and become the new Dark Lord. D'oh!
Ring: Yesss! Oh baby! Talk dirty to me!!
Frodo: Listen, I'm sure you'd make a lovely dark lord and all, but... WAAAAAHHHHH!! Help!
Odd Narrator: Boromir leaped at Frodo and began chasing him around a boulder. (Sigh) Since we're not very good at slapstick we'll now fast forward to the part where Frodo puts on the ring and disappears.
Frodo (puts on ring and disappears): Don't you EVER try that again. Next time I WILL kick you in the head!
Sting: Hello? Like it's a dangerous situation here... aren't I supposed to come out and play?
Frodo: Shut up!
Ring: Waaaaaah! I want to go with the nice man!
Frodo: Sh!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: And with that, Frodo fled from the temporarily insane Boromir with the Ring of Power on his finger.
(BunnieBugs)
Boromir: Nasssty trickssster! Oh, wait, that's not my line... Hey! Come back here! I know what you're up to! You were just waiting for a chance to take the Ring to Sauron (although what a flaming eyeball is going to do with a ring, I don't know...)! C'mon! The Ring WANTS me! You heard it! I'll just DIE if I can't have it! Aaarrgh! Wait'll I get my hands on you, you lousy, stinking, sorry excuse for a halfling! You're half a halfling! You teeny, tiny, miniscule, infinitessimal little piece of sh...OOOOFF!
Odd Narrator: Boromir lay still on the ground where he fell after tripping over a rock (snork! What a klutz) Ahem. Suddenly he began weeping (snerk! Really! And a crybaby, too).
(Idril)
Odd Narrator #2: Oh don't be so hard on the poor guy... awwwww. Stupid ring!
Ring: I heard that! When I take over the world you are SO dead!
(merithehobbit)
Boromir: FRODO! Frodo! Come back.. I am such a loser! I am soooo sorry.. Frodo? Please... believe me! I am always such an idiot...Please? I was just crazy... but I am cool now! [looks frantically around] Where are you? [under breath] I am so busted! [heads back to camp]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Okay, so maybe I was a little hard on him. But he still has to die.
Odd Narrator #2: Well naturally!
Odd Narrator: Anyhoo, back to Frodo, who's running for his life.
(merithehobbit)
Ring: YEEESSS! Calling all Nazgul.. attention Mordor.. over here!
Odd Narrator: Frodo is surrounded by the haze and whisperings of Mordor as he runs blindly forward.
Odd Narrator: But Frodo couldn't hear Boromir's cries or his pleas for forgiveness. He was filled with terror.
Frodo: [thinking] AAAAAAAAAHHH! SCARY! Everything is fuzzy and warped, but that Boromir.. I knew it! Hey.. I'll just go up here on this nice little overlook and have a look over...at those shadows.. and that cloudy misty area...hmmmm.
Odd Narrator: For the ring was upon him... he began to see visions as as if they were on TV..but he lost the remote.. and it was scanning through..
Frodo: TV? Remote? What the?
Odd Narrator: Just look!
Frodo: Oh.. Wow..The whole world is below me. There's plains, forests, mountains.. Wow.. that tall thing must be Orthanc...
Ring: Keep looking...
Frodo: Dang. Look at all the people getting ready for war. Orcs, elves, men.. There's fires.. horses..OH..Minas Tirith...pretty...
Ring: Ahh... keep looking..
Frodo: Smoke.. Mt. Doom... uh.. Barad-dur...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Eye: Whoa.. I can feel my ring.... whereareyouwhereareyouwhereareyou?
Ring: Over Here! Red Flaming Eye... here..here...!
Eye: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA RAAAAR! Here Frodo... come here boy...[whistle]
Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [hiding now!] I am coming... No I am not.. yes I am.. noo.....
Voice: [with special sound effects that echo] Take it off, take it off, take it off...
Frodo: What? You wan't me to do a strip tease? Where's Sam when I need him?
Voice: NOOO! Frodo.. you idiot.. the RING.. Take off the ring!
Frodo: Oh.. that's the problem. I was getting used to the TV thing already. [takes off ring and collapses into an exhausted heap to think] OK that was pretty freaky.. I need to get out of here and go alone.
I can't risk having Merry and Pippin with me.. way too loud, Legolas is way too good looking, never could fit in sneaking around Mordor.. Gimli.. perhaps.. but too furry. Aragorn..he wants to go to Minas Tirith.. so he better not come with... and NO way am I ever even going to think about trusting that jerk Boromir!
It is just Sam who I'd trust... but I don't want him to die though..
yea.. better go alone.
[little pep talk to self] You can do it Frodo.. You're strong enough, you're brave enough.. and dog gone it.. everyone loves you and those eyes.. Be tough Frodo.. let's go.. give the ring a squeeze and we're off to see the Cracks of Doom...Yay ME! [get's up and runs to the boats]
Ring: Ouch.. [grumble, grumble]
Odd Narrator: While Boromir was making a fool of himself the others loitered by the river-side.
Merry: You know.. this would make a good summer camp.
Pippin: I agree with you there.. just think how you could swing from those big trees and plop into the river.. lots of potential.
Merry: Thanks Pip..uh.. why are you naked?
Pippin: Well.. you know it is naked time. That afternoon time when it is warmest is the best time to... be FREE! [gets up and runs around the fire]
Sam: Pippin! Careful, you may singe yourself.
Legolas: [to Gimli] He really is the earthy type... even elves aren't that free.
Gimli: It is like a little child.. the innocence of sweet pleasures.
Legolas: [stifling a smile] Pleasures? How about elves.. do you think they can be childlike after thousands of years.
Gimli: They may not be childlike, but they have their own pleasures...[voice trails off and looks off thinking]
Aragorn: So...I am thinking Frodo is having trouble deciding what to do.
Legolas: Let's just have a vote and decide without him. I am for Minas Tirith. They have a brand new casino there with a whole bunch of new shows, even that one with the Can Can. It is much better than Mt. Doom.
Aragorn: I thought we decided to let him decide?
Gimli: I am with Legolas, let's just go to Minas Tirith.. Mt. Doom doesn't even have decent hotels, not to mention entertainment. We were only supposed to help him and not go any further than we wished..none of us were under oath to go to Mt. Doom..except Frodo. Hard it was for me to leave the Golden Wood behind. Very hard.. sigh.
Legolas: I'll bet you were hard when we left.
Gimli: Hey.. none of that Mr. Elf prince.. get your mind out of the gutter.
Legolas: What's a gutter?
Gimli: [sputters] Please... Leggy... [clears throat]Well, I have come this far, and though I want to go to the casino..er I mean Minas Tirith, I don't think I could let little Frodo go all by himself. So wherever he decides to go I'll go.
Legolas: Wow, Gimli.. Good job! I think you maxxed out your dialogue for the chapter.. four whole paragraphs.
Gimli: Well, I have been practicing that for a little while.
Legolas: I am with Gimli.. we have to help Frodo.
Aragorn: Well, but we should probably send Merry and Pippin with Boromir...
Pippin: Hey.. he always tries to grab my bum!
Merry: Whoa.. he's always trying to grab my bum too... [whispering to Pippin] Might want to get dressed... getting close to the end of the scene.
Pippin: Oh.. yeah.. thanks.
Aragorn: Well, if you stick together maybe you can keep his bum grabbing to a minimum.
Merry: We can't leave Frodo.. that's not fair! We planned on going with him all the way!
Sam: No one is going all the way with Frodo!
Pippin: Well, we can't let Frodo go East and die at Mt.Doom.. how long does it take to decide this anyways?
Sam: Well, I know Master Frodo pretty well, and he isn't deciding which way to go.. just how to tell us he is scared %&(#less! Hey, where is Boromir anyway? He has been queer lately.
Pippin: You're telling me.
Merry: And me...
Odd Narrator: At that moment Boromir re-appeared.
Pippin: Whoa.. there he is.. speak of the devil..
Merry: Who's that?
Pippin: OH.. I mean speak of Sauron...
(BunnieBugs)
[Boromir, his face grim, runs his eyes over the company and then sits down, staring at the ground.]
Aragorn: And just what have you been up to?
Boromir: Nothing.
Aragorn: Oh, come on, that is not a "nothing" face. Have you seen Frodo?
Boromir: Yes and no.
Aragorn: Oh, so it's gonna be like that, is it? Look, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way...
Boromir: Okay, okay! Yes! I spoke with Frodo. He got mad at me and then... he vanished. Poof. Gone.
Pippin: Aw, did you try to grab HIS bum, too?
Boromir: Just leave me alone!
Sam: This is bad!
All: Ya think?!
Sam: I've gotta find him! I need him... I mean... he needs me!
[Sam runs off. Merry and Pippin run off. Legolas and Gimli run off.]
Aragorn: Well, this is just swell. I hope you're happy, Boromir. This is all your fault! Nothing you could do will EVER make up for this. EVER! Just go make sure that Merry and Pippin are all right, okay? And try not to get into any trouble!
[Aragorn runs off to search for Sam. He overtakes him shortly.]
Aragorn: Come with me, Sam! None of us should be alone just now. I'm sure Frodo went this way...
Sam: (puff, puff) But I can't (puff) keep up! (puff, puff) Whoa, Sam Gamgee! (smacks himself in the forehead) Ow! Geez, gotta think. Hmmm, think, think, think... I've got it! If Frodo put on the Ring, he must've been scared (scared Boromir would grab his bum again, or worse!). And he didn't come back to us, so he must've made up his mind to go alone to Mordor. (GASP!) Surely not without saying good-bye!
[Sam bolts back down the path to the shore, just in time to see a boat sliding off the shore all by itself.]
(FrodoPippinSam and Bridget Chubb)
Frodo: (to himself) Sam how did he--I should’ve known he’d figure out that I was leaving. But he can’t come, he just can’t! I must go to Mordor alone.
Sam: (on shore) Well hello, Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: ( to himself) No, Sam. Not this time.
Sam: What? What do you mean, not this time?
Frodo: (Turns his head around) Sam! Go back Sam! You can’t swim!
Sam: Maybe not, but I can wade, can't I? I'm just washing up a bit - don't worry about me, I won't go any further.
Frodo: No!!!!! (Turns the boat around and paddles back to where he thought he saw Sam go under.) Sam?!
Sam: Dude...it's OK...the water's barely up to my ankles!
Frodo: (grabs Sam by the hair) Sam!
Sam: OW! What's wrong with you? Let go!
Frodo: Sam! Are you alright?!
Sam: I would be if you'd just LET GO! Geez!
Frodo: oh, Sam!Grab my hand!
Sam: Um...why?
Frodo: Here it is! Ouch! Don’t squeeze so hard! I’m not going to let you go. Tread water and don’t flounder or you’ll upset the boat. There, get a hold of the other side and let me use the paddle.
Sam: Mr. Frodo...[sigh] All right. [grumbles] Don't see why I can't wash up a bit, though...
Frodo: (rowing back to the shore) But I am going to Mordor alone!
Sam: Of course you are, sir. I never had any intention of stoppin' you.
Frodo: No, Sam. You must stay with the rest of the fellowship. I must go alone!
Sam: Yes, of course...I understand that! It's the only way!
Frodo: No! Don’t do that. Let’s discuss this when we get on shore.
(on the shore)
Frodo: (taking off the ring) Of all the confounded nuisances, Sam. You are the worst.
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo. I don't know exactly what you're getting at here. All I was doing was trying to take a bath, and then you drag me into your boat!
Frodo: I'd be safely on my way, if you hadn't guessed right.
Sam: Guessed...Oh, you mean that you're going to Mordor? I think you're right, Mr. Frodo. The sooner you get going the better.
Frodo: It would be the death of you to come with me, Sam. And I certainly couldn’t have borne that.
Sam: That's awfully nice of you to say that, Mr. Frodo. I'm so glad you understand.
Frodo: But I am going to the Land of Shadow, Mordor!
Sam: I know that well enough [mumbles: you've said it enough times!] You know, it's awfully brave of you to do this all on your own. I do hope you'll be all right! But really, we must stop talking now and get you on that boat!
Frodo: Now, Sam. Please don’t hinder me! The others will be back very soon and they’ll catch me. If they catch me then I shall have to explain and argue, and I shall never have the heart or chance to get off. I must go at once. It’s the only way.
Sam: [stares at Frodo for a minute] I could've sworn I just said...All right, Frodo. Come on, let's get you on that boat. Here, I'll even knock holes in the others, so that none of us will be able to follow you! How's that?
Frodo: (laughing) then save one, Sam. We’ll need it. But you can’t come like this; without gear or anything.
Sam: Of course, I'll save one, I just said that the others...Wait a minute. What do you mean, I can't come like this? Who said anything about me coming?
Frodo: So all my plan is spoilt. It’s no good trying to escape you. But I’m glad, Sam. I cannot tell you how glad. Come along! It’s plain as day that we were meant to go together. We’ll go. And hope the others find a safer road to travel. Strider will look after them. I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again.
Sam: [deep sigh][to himself] How the hell did I get myself into this one? Maybe Strider had it right - maybe baths are more trouble than they're worth! [to Frodo] All right, Mr. Frodo. I'll come along if you insist, if only because I don't think someone clinically insane should be alone with that Ring in Mordor.
[suddenly script boy rushes in and starts whispering to Sam]
Sam: What? But - I don't - oh, all right. [sigh] I'll play along. [to Frodo] Yet we may, Mr. Frodo. We may.
Frodo: [stares at Sam for a moment. Then suddenly throws himself at Sam, nearly knocking him to the ground] Oh, SAM! I'm so glad you're with me! Oh, Sam...[incoherent blubbering]
Sam: Whoa! Hey mister, this is NOT in the script! What are you doing? Get off me! Hey! Don't touch the rope, buddy!
Pompous Narrator: And so the two tiny hobbits continued alone on their great and marvelous Quest, rowing the magnificent Elven-boat down the Great River Anduin and to the barren, empty desolation of the Eastern shore. After concealing the Lady's boat behind a great and looming boulder, our two heroes made their way into the deep dark shadowy oppressive blackness of Mordor, the Dark Lord's land of shadow.
The End
(Idril)
[credits roll... pretty music... film rattles]
Fan: NOOOO!!! Not the end! We... I mean I want want more, more!!
Director: Alright, our fan wants more. Do we have another version?
Authors: OF COURSE WE DO!
Director: Well bring it on!
(FrodoPippinSam and Idril)
Odd Narrator (aside): I'm glad that's over with, my voice is getting all gravelly... what? Oh crap! (Sigh) Well I hope it's short! (Aloud) BACK at the lake, Sam rushed down to the shore just as Frodo was pushing off in the boat.
Sam: Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Wait for me! I'm coming!
Frodo: (to himself) No, Sam. Not this time.
Sam: Frodo! Frodo! I'm coming!
Frodo: (turns his head around) Sam! Go back Sam! You can't swim!
Sam: (stops short and looks suspiciously at the cold dark water) You can't leave Mr. Frodo! Not without your Sam!
Frodo: But I am going to Mordor alone! Now, Sam. Please don't hinder me! The others will be back soon and they'll catch me. If they catch me then I shall have to explain and argue, and I shall never have the heart or chance to get off. I must go at once. It's the only waAAKK! What are you doing?
Odd Narrator: During Frodo's explanation, Sam retrieved his rope from his pack and tied a quick loop. He cast the lasso over the water, snagged Frodo's boat and began pulling him back to shore.
Frodo: (trying to get the rope loose) No, Sam. You must stay with the rest of the fellowship. I must go alone!
Odd Narrator: Sam jerked the rope hard, sending Frodo off balance.
[THUMP!]
Frodo: (from the bottom of the boat) Of all the confounded nuisances, Sam. You are the worst!
Odd Narrator: When Sam had pulled the boat to shore, he jumped in and sat on Frodo.
Sam: I'm coming with you, or neither of us is going.
Frodo: But I'm going to the Land of Shadow... MordAAAHH! No, don't tickle me! AAAAHHAHAHAHAHA! (gasp!)
Sam: (tickling) I know where you're going! I'm coming with you, agreed?
Frodo: No! (gasp!) Let's discuss this reasonably.... No! Please don't... AHAHAHAAHAH!!! (gasp!) Pleasepleasepleaseplease!
Sam: What's the magic word?
Frodo: Okay, okay! You can go with me! Get off, you dizzy knotty-pated clotpole!
Sam: Well you deserved it! That's hard, trying to go off without me and all. If I hadn't guessed right, where would you be now?
Frodo: Safely on my way.
Sam: Safely! All alone, and without me to help you? I couldn't have borne it, it'd have been the death of me.
Frodo: It would be the death of you to come with me, Sam. And I certainly couldn't have borne that.
Sam: Not as certain as being left behind. Wait here half a moment, and don't you move a muscle. I'll get my stuff! It's packed and ready to go since I thought we'd be off today.
[Sam runs to get his pack and they push off again.]
Frodo: So all my plan is spoilt. It's no good trying to escape you. But I'm glad, Sam. I cannot tell you how glad. It's plain as day that we were meant to go together. I just hope the others find a safer road to travel.
Sam: Strider will look after them.
Frodo: I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.
Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may.
Pompous Narrator: And so the two tiny hobbits continued alone on their great and marvelous... hey I did this part already. That's it! I'm out of here!
The Other End
Here ends the first book of our parody. The second part is called The Two Towers, since the events contained there in revolve around the towers of Orthanc, Minas Morgul and Barad-dur. The third part is called The Return of The King since in this volume, Aragorn finally washes his hair (He'd have to, otherwise his crown would just slide right off).