(Idril)
The hobbits have finally reached Rivendell. And there was much rejoicing [Hooray!!]
[This scene is dedicated to Sir Ian McKellan. *Muah!*]
[Scene: Frodo awakes in a pleasant room in Rivendell. He's all clean and smells faintly of strawberries.]
Frodo: Who are you and where are my underpants!? Errrrmm... I mean where am I and what is the time?
Gandalf: It is 10 o'clock in the morning on October the 24th. You are in the house of Elrond. However time moves quite differently in an elvish household, so it's difficult to keep track. For example it's half past ten right...... now.
Frodo: Gandalf! Oh you're here! I was worried that you'd turned into an evil wizard, moved into a very tall black tower and started breeding orcs!
Gandalf: No, no indeed. I was *captured* by an evil wizard who lives in a very tall black tower and is breeding orcs. But I'm still me and I escaped.
Frodo: Really? What happened?
Gandalf: I can't tell you now Frodo. It's all right here! [holds up videocassette] You'll have to wait until the flashback scene like everyone else.
Frodo: I wish you could have been there to help us. It's a good thing Narsil... I mean Strider found us. He saved us hobbits from the wraiths.... well mostly.
Sam: [rushes in] Mr. Frodo! You're awake!
Frodo: Sam!
Sam: Oh, you've been so sick and I was so worried about you! In a loving but purely platonic way, of course!
Frodo: Oh, Sam! Are the evil spirits still making you act as if you're barely repressing your homosexual urges?
Sam: It's not been so bad lately, but it still makes me uneasy. [shakes head sadly]
Frodo: [SIGH]
Sam: [SIGH]
Gandalf: Ah, my dear young hobbits, I know this parody has been difficult for you! Perhaps it will be of some comfort to you if I tell the story of my own life.
Frodo: Oh yes, I'd love to hear that. You've always been a great mystery!
Gandalf: Very well. A long, long time ago in the days of my youth I was known as Olorin in the lands of the Far West. There I dwelt in Lorien, the Garden of Dreams, and I also often visited the house of the compassionate Nienna, who taught me much of pity and patience.
Often Melian would visit Lorien also. Ah, she was the most beautiful of all the Maia, and nightingales followed her everywhere singing. As the ages passed beneath the light of the two trees I became more and more enamoured of her beauty, but she thought of me only as a companion. When the elves awoke she went over the sea into Beleriand, where she met the elf-lord Elwe and fell deeply in love with him. He took the name of Thingol and together they founded the forest kingdom of Doriath, where they dwelled in contentment for many long years.
Sam: Oh, that's Luthien's parents! I recognize the names now.
Gandalf: That's right Samwise! You're more educated than you let on.
Now let me continue. I too passed into Middle-Earth at that time. At first I only wanted to be near Melian, but the elves also captured my attention. They were very young and curious in those days, fascinating and full of surprises. I went among them and tried to help them and encourage them as much as I could, especially in their wars against Morgoth and Sauron.
But the elves alone could not hold back the Shadow. They were valiant but outmatched. Even Melian could not completely protect Doriath from treachery. During the First Age of the Sun Thingol was slain and Melian returned into the West. I accompanied her. The Valar intervened and Morgoth was cast into the void, but in that great war Beleriand itself was drowned under the sea.
Frodo: How sad.
Gandalf: Melian and I mourned those beautiful lands and the many elves that were lost. She mourned also the loss of Thingol, but in her sorrow she turned to me. Bittersweet was our love for each other throughout the Second Age of the sun.
Sam: So why did you leave her?
Gandalf: Many years later, when Sauron's Shadow stirred, I was chosen to be one of the Istari. I was one of the five charged to come into Middle-Earth in the form of an old man and to aid the battle against Sauron.
Frodo: That's a wonderful story, Gandalf. But you said it would be a comfort to us. What did you mean?
Gandalf: You see, I am one of the Ainur and when we desire to clothe themselves in bodies we take upon ourselves forms some as of male and some as of female, depending on the difference in temper we had from the beginning. However as Istari we were constrained to set aside our chosen forms and to take on the likenesses of old men; subject to pain and death. I was chosen because of my love for Middle-Earth and my ability to awaken hope in those who will listen. I was chosen even though as Olorin I was a female.
Frodo: But... Melian? You mean?
Gandalf: Yes Frodo, I am a lesbian.
Sam: That's an eye opener and no mistake!
Gandalf: So you see, Sam. It makes little difference whether your love for Frodo or your love for your hobbit lass back home wins out in the end. Nor does it matter if your pony wins your heart. And Frodo, don't worry about being a permanent virgin, sex isn't everything. What the two of you have done and what you will do is terribly important to Middle-Earth.
Sam, Frodo, what I'm trying to tell you is this: Even the gayest person can change the world.
[Sam and Frodo stare in slack-jawed silence]
Sam: [recovering first] Ermmmm... well thank you for sharing that Gandalf.
(Russ)
Gandalf:(laughing) My dearest Sam, you are most welcome indeed! But I think there may yet be other surprises in store for you Master Samwise, before any of us leaves Rivendell!
(Idril)
Sam: Ummmm... Now, Mr. Frodo, do you think you feel like dressing for dinner? Elrond's putting on a big feed tonight, and it's almost half past five.
Frodo: Permanent virgin?
Ring: [snicker] Oh that's so sweet!
(Silarien)
Beryl: [who rolled quietly under the door some time ago]
Geesh, Ringy, you sure keep some strange company. How about a nice 'normal' relationship with a dinky little jewel?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: I don't think I ever should have woken up.
Gandalf: Oh but I have a little more to--
Sam and Frodo in unison: GANDALF!
Sam: I don't think I really want to know more, (gives Frodo an uneasy glance then turns his attention to Gandalf) Could we have a moment?
Gandalf: Well of course, Samwise, a moment? Alone? If you wish, but might I ask what--nevermind. Frodo, I will fetch you some clothes so you don't have to wear pajamas to the feast, I'll be back. (leaves)
Sam: (sighs) That was more than I really wanted to--Frodo! get down!
Frodo: (laying back down) Why what's wrong?
Sam: I saw her.
Frodo: Who?
Sam: Bridget-erm, the barmaid.
Frodo: (sigh) Sam this has gone too far.
Sam: I'm serious.
Frodo: She followed us to Rivendell!?
Sam: 'Fraid so, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: (under his breath) This is going to be a long way home. I wonder if--
Gandalf:(walks in with a surprised expression) Oh! I thought!
Sam: Well you obviously misthought, and if that was really what you thought, then why did you burst in here?
Gandalf:(blank face)
Frodo: Gandalf, did you get my stuff?
Gandalf: Yes, here it is.
Frodo: (takes it) Thank you. Now if you would both leave the room, it would be greatly appreciated.
Sam: Right of course. Let's go, Gandalf--NOW!
Gandalf: (saddened) alright, alright, I'm coming.
(Russ)
[Frodo is finally dressed and ready for the party and is checking himself out in a mirror]
Frodo: Permanent virgin my butt! I'll show him, er,. . . her, er. . . D'oh!
[Knock-knock-knock]
Frodo: Come in!
[enter Sam, cross to Frodo, take Frodo's left hand awkwardly and shyly, stroke it gently, then blush and turn hastily away]
Frodo: WHAT THE. . .?
Sam: It's warm! Meaning your hand sir. it has felt so cold through the long nights!
Frodo: WHAT THE. . .?
Sam: Um, Gandalf said for me to come and find you and bring you down to the Party.
Frodo: I'm ready Sam.
Sam: *GASP*
Frodo: To go to the party!
Sam: Oh, of course, I knew that.
Frodo: [stepping close to Sam and whispering in his ear] I know what you have been doing while I was ill Sam, and I just want you to CUT IT OUT!
Sam: [unabashed] Oh Mr. Frodo sir, that's just the sickness talking, come on down now, I think some food and some alcohol is just the thing I need. . .I mean you need, to get you back into be. .I mean back into being your old self once again!
Frodo: [shakes head] *sigh* Oh Sam.
[exit to party]
(Silarien)
Sam led Frodo along several passages and down many steps and out into a garden. They did not hear the faint sounds behind them: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr p'dink p'dink p'dink.
(merithehobbit)
[scene: As Frodo and Sam head out the door past the most beautiful gardens outside Frodo's window]
Frodo: Well, as I was saying...
Merry: [Runs up *hugs* big smiles]
Oh! Frodo! Frodo, it is so good to see you up and about!
Pippin: [Runs up and *group hug*] Hooray! Hooray! Here's our noble cousin Frodo... (loudly) The Lord of the Rings!
Gandalf: [suddenly appears out of the begonias] Hush! Pip Pain In the Neck! Evil things aren't allowed at Elrond's house... we'll all get in trouble and he'll kick us out! And... it is getting dark and scary...ooooooooohhhh!
Pippin: *Snork* [gesturing to Gandalf] Ah, he is such the cheerful, happy one! Always gloomy! He thinks I am OUT OF CONTROLL!!!!! YES! Whoo Hoo! I am.. but Cousin... you have come to the Vegas of Middle Earth.. Party Time!
Merry: [laughing] Pip! You ARE out of control!
Gandalf: Well, I am just trying to keep to the storyline... you see the term "Lord of the Rings" cannot be used in the case of your cousin Frodo...only to the Dark Lord.
Merry: You mean Darth Vader?
Sam: *snork* No! Merry! Haven't you been paying attention?
Merry: Like you have? [mutters: Strawberry bath bubbles indeed]
Sam: [glare]
Pippin: Oh... I've heard of Darth Vader! Haven't I?
Gandalf: [frustrated] No... he doesn't come about till... well no one knows for sure..(muttering...set in the future...but a long time ago...)Ahem.. but it's not now! We are in Middle Earth and I am the Big Shot that everyone looks up to...(looking down) including you Peregrin!
Pippin: Whatever... off to the Party...gonna do the swallow Fatty trick.. with a Pig! Elves they are so merry and gullible!
Merry: Come on Frodo.. you won't believe the buffet bar... it is huge!
Sam: And they even have chocolate covered strawberries here.
Frodo: OH, I am so there... let's go eat!
(Russ)
[Scene: At the Party: it is a loud and raucous scene. Music is blasting a rhythmic elvish "dance" mix from speakers spread out around the room. Elves are everywhere, hanging from Chandeliers, Xeroxing their butts on the copying machine, making out in corners, dancing, laughing, joking and just generally having a good time. At one end of the hall is a particularly large gathering of Elves, men, Dwarves and, you guessed it, Hobbits!]
[Enter Sam and Frodo]
Frodo: Duuuuude!
Sam: I know Mr. Frodo! Isn't it great! I mean we had some real doozies of a party in the shire before, but this. . .
Frodo: I am SO glad I came. Hey what's going on over there?
Sam: Let's go see.
[F+S cross to large gathering]
Crowd: PIP-IN, PIP-IN, PIP-IN. . .YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Strange Elf #1: How does he DO that?
Strange Elf #2: I don't know, he must be able to unhinge his jaw or something!
[Pippin stands on a small table at the center of the crowd. he is covered in food stains and his belly has become considerably larger]
Strange Elf #3: I heard he ate an entire hobbit once!
Strange Elf #2: Well I'd believe it, you just saw what he did to that entire hog!
Pippin:[Raising his arms to quiet the crowd] My Friends, my friends, I give you my deepest thanks for you hospitality. . .
Unknown Crowd Voice #1: THIS TIME EAT A PONY!
Crowd: YEAHHHHHHH! PIP-IN, PIP-IN, PIP-IN
Pippin:(smiling and laughing)Later, later, all in good time my friends. But now I can see that the reason why we are all here, The Man, or rather Hobbit of the hour, has finally arrived, Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, please give it up for the one, the only, FRODO BAGGINS!!!!!
Crowd: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH FRO-DO, FRO-DO, FRO-D'OH
(MEDICRN18)
(Frodo makes his way to the feasting tables after checking out the smorgasbord and taking some generous helpings. Sam tags along)
Frodo: Wow! Check out that Elrond! Is he wearing eyeshadow?
Sam: Dunno Mister Frodo but his daughter Arwen is a looker too though Elrond has better hair I think.
(Frodo sits next to a fat, important looking dwarf)
Gloin: Well met! I hear you're Bilbo's adopted heir Frodo. I'm here to pow-wow with Elrond about the Lonely Mt. doings but mainly to give readers some nostalgia for "The Hobbit" in case all this stuff going on lately has been too dark and depressing for them!
Frodo: Tell me about it. Things have been no bowl of cherries for me lately. So how are all of Bilbo's old buddies?
Gloin: Getting fatter everyday, especially Bombur! We tried to get him to do Weight Watchers but that lasted less than a day. Step aerobics was a bust too, he broke the step. Wouldn't want to know what his cholesterol level is like now either!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: (after listening to Gloin ramble on and on) Wow, very, erm, interesting. So everything's going well?
Gloin: Well as I said before--
Frodo: No, that's quite alright, you don't have to repeat your self.
Pippin: (strolling over) Hey Frodo! Looks like your doing fine now. No longer cold are you?
Frodo: Cold?
Sam: Yes, well, Mr. Frodo is doing very well and needs to just relax, and maybe have a bit of fun. It's been awhile since anything good has happened till today, sir. Let's make the most of it, shall we?
Frodo: Yes, well, a fairly good day it has been, although I learned more than I really cared to know, and I have a feeling that some more is going to happen before the night is over.
Sam: I'm hoping that what ever happens will be good.
Frodo: (doubtingly) I hope your right, and my intuition is wrong.
Sam: But you've always been right in the past.
Frodo: That's what I'm afraid of.
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: Legolas is feeling left out. He is afraid he has missed the feast he wasn't supposed to attend anyway, but now he is making his last approach to Rivendell hoping he is in time for the great Council. :)
Legolas galloped bareback (Aglaron' back is bare, not Legolas', you pervy elf-fancier!) through the trees, searching for a sign that he was approaching the Last Homely House. The House of Elrond. The anticipation of seeing Rivendell again spurred him on more urgently than the message he carried. He had never fully understood why Mithrandir had charged his father's people with the care of that wretched twerp, Gollum. Even so, he was not looking forward to telling the kindly yet powerful wizard that their captive had escaped.
Legolas' thick black hair (or was it brown? or blond?) streamed behind him in the wind without disturbing a single strand from his perfect plait. He thumped the stirrups against Aglaron's flanks . . .
(Aglaron: Hey, wasn't he riding bareback just a second ago?)
. . . as the Valley of Rivendell appeared suddenly through the trees ahead of him. He reined his horse . . .
(Aglaron: Now I've wearing reins, too?!)
.. . . to a halt, staring in wonder at the magnificent miniature set - I mean ancient elven home - that lay before him.
He pulled his long white knife from his belt and, dismounting quietly, crept aside as a plump white rabbit hopped out of a nearby shrub. Moving too quickly for mortal eyes to catch, he whipped the knife back and forward. As it flashed through the air towards the coney, he thought he glimpsed a bit of gold.
(Leg: Gold?)
He trotted, satisfied, towards his catch. Grabbing the coney by the ears, he grasped the golden handle of the long knife and pulled it out, wiping it clean on the grass. As he started to resheathe it, he stopped, freezing in shock, as he realized his belt sheath was suddenly missing. Instinctively Legolas felt at his back and found there not only the empty sheath, but next to it a second knife in its own sheath. Pulling the other knife out, he stared at his two new golden weapons, admiring the lovely elven scrollwork on the blades.
Leg: Ah. Peter Jackson's costume department has been fiddling with my props again. I've really got to talk to those people. Hey, *shrug* two knives are better than one, right?
Sweeping his hair aside (it was definitely blond, now), he resheathed the two knives on his back and carried the dead rabbit, a traditional guest gift for Lord Elrond, back to his horse. He remounted (the saddle was still there, unfortunately) and trotted on towards Rivendell. As he went on, he pondered again.
Leg: I'm just wondering one thing. Where did these boots come from?
(Silarien)
Bilbo: FRODO hello, I was sat dribbling in a dark corner 'cos these orgies are a bit too much for me these days {but I was okay for the first few months *smirk*} then I just couldn't wait to see you, my lad *hugs*
Frodo: *hugs* Why haven't I seen you before, Bilbo?
Bilbo: I've seen you. I sat next to your bed while you slept {and Sam behaved impeccably} writing my little songs with some help from Aragorn, or Strider as you call him. Er, do you still have my ring?
Frodo: Yes
Bilbo: Could I take a little peek?
Beryl: Don't let him Frodo [p'doing p'doing, p'doing]
Ring: Go on, see if I care, the old f**t
Frodo: Better not, Bilbo, you'll go all strange and frighten the audience, and me.
Bilbo: You're right, Frodo {aw, give us a look} I wish I had not placed so heavy a burden on you.
Frodo: Look, Elrond and the elves are coming to ask for your song.
Bilbo: Oh goody, I wrote it specially for the Elves of Rivendell. They'll like it, I hope:
While Rivendell is lovely
Elf housekeeping's slovenly
They seem to think that all they need to do
Is sing and laugh
The whole darn place needs sweeping
I'm having trouble sleeping
There's leaves beneath my duvet
And Shelob's in the bath
(FrodoPippinSam)
~*~ Silence~*~ Few random claps, then all of a sudden every one starts talking again like nothing happened.
Frodo: That was, nice, but the elves don't need to sweep in my opinion and what does sleeping have to do with anything?
Bilbo: I don't know, but does it matter?
Frodo: No, I guess not,
Bilbo: It is good to see you again my lad. You too Sam.
Sam: Thank you Mister Bilbo, nice seeing you again.
Bilbo: Well that's nice. I must go have a word with Gandalf. Toodles!
Frodo: (not facing Sam, but watching where Bilbo had walked off to) Every one is acting rather odd, (turns to Sam) don't you think Sam?
Sam: Huh? I'm sorry, I was having a bit of a daydream. What did you say?
Frodo: What I said was don't you think everyone is acting sort of strange,
Sam: Oh, I don't know (wondering) does this have something to do with glowing elves because I don't think anyone's acting odd.
Frodo: Maybe it's just me, what were you dreaming of Sam? Rosie?
Sam: (blushing) no, not Rosie, but here and now aren't the times or places to be saying. Why don't we get a little more to drink?
Frodo: (small laugh) Alright,
(Idril)
Sam: We'd better get you to bed Mr. Frodo. It's half past twenty-six already and there's supposed to be a big meeting in the morning. Although I don't know what morning, all they'll tell me is "the morning". Anyway, you'll want to be rested for that.
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: A meeting, I probably know what that will hold. (sighs)
Sam: Mr. Frodo don't be so blue, we made it to Rivendell. That's what we set out to do, is it not?
Frodo: Yes, yes it is. That's what set out to do. Now I guess soon after the meeting we can go back to Hobbiton, or you can rather. I will go back and live in Crickhollow.
Sam: (turns his head from Frodo and brushes away a tear) I would greatly miss, you. I mean, being that you won't be in Hobbiton anymore.
Frodo: (puts a hand on Sam's shoulder) And I'd miss you Sam, but it will be for the best. You can go back and live with your Gaffer and I can live in peace at Crickhollow. It was a nice place.
Sam: (barely audible) Not as nice as Bag End.
Frodo: yes, but all will be well. I don't need a big hobbit hole, all fancy and nice. I can live in my small home, alone, but Merry will be by often,
Sam: (trying to sound cheery) Yes, come along Frodo, let's get you off to bed, I'm rather tired myself now actually. Come along!
(Russ)
[Bilbo comes back over]
Bilbo: Half a minute Sam, there are some things that I would like to go over with you before you and your master retire for the Evening.
Sam: But Mr. Bilbo, I really should help poor old Frodo off with his cl. . .I mean off to his room!
Frodo: Oh, that's quite all right Sam, I shall be fine.
Sam: But. . .
Frodo: So it's settled then, good. You go with Bilbo and can catch up with me later! [exits VERY quickly]
Bilbo: Now Sam, there are some folk I would really like you to meet.
Sam: Me sir? And who might these folk be Mr. Bilbo?
Bilbo: They're Elves Sam. You like Elves don't you Sam?
Sam: Well. . .sure, I mean who doesn't? But what about Mr. Frodo? he's only just been up this one day and he. . .
Bilbo: Relax Sam, you are in the House of Elrond now, and nothing bad ever happens here. Come along now.
[exit Bilbo and Sam]