(pippin1986)
Odd Narrator: King Theoden and Gandalf were riding along marrily in the dawn light (everything was so clean too...) and along side them rode the rest of the company. They had fought a mighty battle...etc...etc....
Gimli: Forty-two leggy!
Leggy: Forty-two what? Wait, no Boromir was 41!
Gimli: Nooo 42 orcs.
Leggy: What? 42 orcs got Boromir?
Gimli: ::sigh::
Leggy: What ?
Gimli: I killed 42 orcs. Boromir was 41. that has nothing to do with how many orcs I have killed.
Leggy: ::faraway look in his eyes:: ooohh those night with Boromir. How I do miss them so. And he was only 41... I never knew.....
Gimli: (to Gandalf) Can we leave him here?
Gandalf: Alas, no we cannot. but once we get to the Sea, don't hinder him. Let him go where his heart desires (and I hope for all our sanity that he will stay there).
Gimli: You are mighty in wizardry, Gandalf, can you not simply make Leggy here vanish or regain his sanity or something?
Gandalf: Alas, no. I have not that power. The time for the healing of Legolas has passed. He will never regain his sanity again.
Leggy: Wahhhh! Look at all the dead orcs! Why did they have to die? WHY??!?!?!!?
Aragorn: Well, that was un-looked for. And so were those trees!
Gandalf: No they weren't. I knew they were there.
Aragorn: Ooooohhhh. So, what are they?
Gandalf: Ents!
Aragorn: (mutters) great-yetanotherthingtokeepmebusyasking. this'lltakeawhiletocutdown....
Gandalf: What's that?
Aragorn: nothing. ooh lovely trees.
Leggy: Ugh! MORE trees? I'm so SICK AND TIRED or trees! Can't we go underground or something?
Gandalf mutters:
Ere leggy was born
we all did mourn
the trees that stalked
and walked
ere ring was made
or in tomb bailin lade (ummm)
the trees were jolly
falaalalalolly.
Theoden: wha?!?!?!
Gandalf: Just something I picked up along in my travels....
Theoden: So where are we going?
Gandalf: To the loo of course? Oh, you mean in a while, not why we're going into the trees.....well I wanted to go to Burger King (Aragorn perks up: "king?") but they were closed so then I decided that perhaps the Burping Troll would suffice, but alas it was burned down (That balrog....) so we will simply HAVE to go to Isengard!
Theoden: My men are weary.
Gandalf: Yes I know, they weren't too energetic last night.
Theoden: (stares at Gandalf)
Gandalf: Let all who will ride with me...ride with me!
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: The king....
Aragorn: [eyes all a glow] Did someone say 'king'?
Odd Narrator: No! Not you, you ninny. Theoden...sheesh...Okay. So THEODEN slept like a log....
Gandalf: [ears perking up] Did someone mention something about wood?
Odd Narrator: Argh! Quiet you, or I shall have to bonk you on the head.
Gandalf: Uh-huh! And I'd find a problem with that it what way..?
Odd Narrator: [Tosses script in the air] Coffee!! I need COFFEE to get through this nonsense.
[grunt PA brings in coffee]
Odd Narrator: Slluurrrpp!!! Now then....and there were a great many how lay dead. No Orcs had survived the slaughter, but many hillmen gave themselves up and were sore afraid. The Men of the Mark took their weapons from them, and set them to work.
Mark Man: All right, you worthless piece of scrap metal. Git ye to work!!
Blunt weapon: Ekk!
Odd Narrator: No, no , NO! The HILLMEN to work you idiot!
Mark Man: Oh, right. Ewwwww. I think I just stepped in something, or in someONE. How'm I goin' get that off my boots.
Odd Narrator: Erkenbrand made the hillmen pinky swear that they would pass the Isen with arms, nor legs. Then he gave them all a good spanking and off they went. The dead were piled up and Gandalf said something.
Gandalf: Let sleeping Orcs lie, though it would be fun to beat a dead Orc.
Odd Narrator: Your wisdom astounds me. [rolls eyes] Moving right along, the company got ready to hit the road, people were buried, people mourned, songs were sung, more riding...blah, blah, blah...onto the trees.
Trees: Menace, Menace...Lurk, Lurk
Odd Narrator: Gandalf went on, as he does not fear wood.[snicker]
Legolas: [to Gimli] You seem a bit tense my friend.
Gimli: I don't like wood.
Legolas: Then suggest that you don't hold on so tight down there on me while we're ridin' with me. WHEW!! [fans himself] Is it hot in here? Wonder where them Orcs are?
(Idril)
Theoden: Now wait a minute! What is this? "...people were buried, people mourned, songs were sung, more riding...blah, blah, blah"?
Eomer: I was wondering about that myself. Hama is dead and they're going "blah, blah, blah"? Hama taught me to ride when I was four!
Theoden: There's no way my people are participating in this parody one minute longer. The people have had their homes burned... lost fathers, husbands, comrades... for "blah, blah, blah"? That's disgusting.
Eomer: I suppose our sacrifices and our loses don't matter... WE'RE not cute and cuddly like the halflings.
Theoden: Well we aren't risking our lives any further for this crap. No way. You can forget about us riding to Minas Tirith. You screenwriters can get out there and battle Sauron's army yourselves. We're going home!
Riders: Sey Eris!
Odd Narrator: The Riders of Rohan then left the parody and went home... never to be heard from again.
(aneya26)
Downtrodden Screenwriter: ACK! I doth offended our dear Rohan folk. PLEASE!!! COME BACK TO THE LIGHT!! I mean...ahem...PLEASE!! COMEBACK TO OUR PARODY!! You can take a 5 min. break, though. You have about 1 and a half more pages. I bow to you in humility, and don my FOTR plastic popcorn bucket upon my head as a helm and pledge to you my service, King Theoden. Wait! I'm too young to die.
**Now..a moment of silence for dear Hama...***
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The downtrodden screenwriter chased after the riders, but they heeded her not. Alas! What will happen to Merry now? How will he get to Minas Tirith?
Eomer: See... it's all about the hobbits. I told you!
Aragorn: Gandalf?
Gandalf: Hmmm... well this may all be for the best. Even the wise...
Aragorn: Stop! Listen, I really, really need those guys to NOT run off. Can't you do something?
Gandalf: Oh well, I suppose. Wait for me here. (rides off after Theoden & Co)
[The companions wait]
Gimli: sigh
[waiting]
Aragorn: (looks at watch)
[time passes]
Legolas: Hmmmm hmmmmm... nice forest.
Gimli: (rolls eyes)
Odd Narrator: Dumm de dummm dummmm... (reads magazine)
[waiting]
Legolas: (fiddles with AK)
Aragorn: (pulls out copy of "The Drawing of the Dark" by Tim Powers... reads to self) "Another slash followed quickly, and as he parried it, low, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that, at the moment of dagger-and-scimitar contact, sparks flew from his pavement-scraping sword point..."
Gimli: Aragorn?
Aragorn: Yes?
Gimli: Where did you get a watch? Aren't we low tech?
Aragorn: Don't worry, it's broken.
Gimli: Ah... okay.
[time passes]
Legolas: Here comes Gandalf.
Gandalf: (riding back) Alright... here's the deal. They have demands. Eomer wrote them out.
Gimli: I thought the people of Rohan were illiterate.
Aragorn: Well, most are. In fact, they believe that reading ruins your eyesight. However, Theoden's mother was of Lossarnach. Actually, his father lived in Gondor for years... Theoden was born there. After Theoden's grandfather's death the family was called back to Rohan and Thengel became king. Morwen wasn't hot on the idea of her children growing up totally uneducated, so she brought a tutor with her to serve the royal household. Apparently Theoden has kept up that practice, although it's considered very eccentric.
Gandalf: Well here are their demands. (hands over shirt) They say that they won't go to Isengard until all are met.
Legolas: That's a shirt.
Gandalf: (shrug) Nobody had paper, and they were afraid of the whiteboard. Anyway....
(Idril and aneya26)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~OUR DEMANS!!
1 We wont a
2 Has to have THEODEN riding out!! Has to have ERKENBRAND!! AND EOMER coming out of the caevs!!
3 We wont Russ to rite it bettr be good.
4 We wont a BIG
5 Has to hav 2 big
pepul crying.
7 We wont a
Sined
THEODEN
king of Rohan
PS. Otherwis FORGET IT!!!
PSS. DEMAN XTRI:
8. Aneya is not alawd to rite enimor of chapter 8, cens she is da wan hoo mayd us mad.. If she behayvs, she may bee alawd to rite in 9.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Downtrodden screenwriter: Oh poo!
(Idril)
Gimli: I think they need a better tutor.
Gandalf: They have a point, you know. Nobody even bothered to write the last part of Chapter 7.
Aragorn: There was the news coverage.
Gandalf: Theoden has banned television. So he says that doesn't count.
Aragorn: Oh, right! I remember now.
Gimli: Now what are we going to do? We don't write this stuff!
Gandalf: I think we're going to have to go back to the last battle in Chapter 7 and start from there.
Aragorn: But all the orcs are dead.
Gandalf: Oh, I forgot about that.
Aragorn: Hrrmpph.
Gandalf: Well I suppose I could do an illusion... it would have to be a massive one. I hate to do that kind of thing. People get the idea that I'm a conjuror of cheap tricks.
Aragorn: What else can we do?
Gandalf: Well, we could go on without them... make it up as we go... live life dangerously!
Aragorn: Well in that case I'm out too.
Gimli: So... we go back to Chapter 7 then?
Gandalf: Looks like it!
Odd Narrator: (HUGE sigh) Back to Chapter 7 then, I suppose!
[BACK TO CHAPTER 7 - just after the great horn call]
(Russ)
Narrateur Impair: WHAT?. . .WHAT?. . .WHY ARE WE GOING TO GO BOWLING NOW?. . .WHAT?. . .WHAT? OH, WE'RE ROLLING.. . .WHAT?. . .NO I CAN'T HEAR YOU! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO HEAR ANYTHING WITH ALL THESE DAMN HORNS BLOWING! . . .WHAT?. . .WHAT? OH SCREW IT!
Last Minute Replacement From The Catering Crew Narrator: And with that shout the King came. His horse was white as snow, golden was his shield and his spear was. . .his spear was. . .um, . . .long! His spear was long. His horse was white as snow, his shield was gold and his spear was long. And boots. He had boots too. And a cape. His horse was white, his shield was gold, his spear was long and he wore boots and a cape. And gloves. He had gloves. On his hands. His horse was white, his shield was gold, his spear was long, and he wore boots, gloves and a cape. A rather nice cape actually, not particularly gaudy, but nice and taste. . .
Arrow: Zootink!
Last Minute Replacement From The Catering Crew Narrator: ow. die.
Theoden: Thank you Legolas!
Legolas: De Nada.
Theoden: Hi-Ho Eorlingas, AWAY!
(Idril)
Stern Voices from Caves: BOOYAH!!!
Orcs in the Deep: AKKK!! [bleed bleed die]
Eomer coming out of the Caevs: Ptui!!!
Orc in the Deep: Ewww! He spit nasty stuff on me! [bleed bleed die]
(Russ)
[cut to orcs outside]
Snaga: What's with the humans and all the horns?
Russell: I dunno. Who knows why humans do anything?
Snaga: I hear ya, but man, it's the middle of the n. . .
[dink!]
Snaga: hey, where'd the night go?
Russell: Beats me, I just work here.
Snaga: you think we should go and check it out?
Russell: What the hell, it's not like we have anything else to do in this god-forsaken lush grassland. Besides, what are we gonna do if we stay here? Play go fish?
Snaga: HAW! HAW! HA. . .WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?!?!?
Theoden: [eyes wild with a killing frenzy] RUN YOU CUR! RUN AND TELL ALL THE OTHER CURS THAT I'M COMING! YOU WANTED TO CALL DOWN THE THUNDER, WELL NOW YOU'VE GOT IT! YOU TELL 'EM I'M COMING YOU HEAR? I'M COMING AND HELL IS COMING WITH ME!
Russell: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Snaga: Well, gosh I would, except that you STABBED ME WITH YOUR SPEAR! Sheesh! die.
Bad Mob-Guy Narrator: And so wid a great noise dey chahged. Down from da gates dey dey rawrd and over da causeway dey swept and drove trew da host of Isengard like a wind trew da grass. Yeh, like dey so freakin' bad. Dey don't no nutin'. Hell, a couple a Grandmas and a troop a girlscouts could kick doze orcs butts! Shoot, Just give me an a couple a my boys five minutes and BADA-BING! BADA-BOOM! It over! No more orcs! And dis Legolas guy? What the hell is up wid. . .
Multiple Arrows: Zitoonk! Zitonk! Zitowie!
Legolas: I never could stand it when they WRITE dialogue with an accent!
Odd Narrator: On they rode, the king and his companions, neither orc nor man withstood them, save one, almost.
Rider: DIE ISENGARDIAN PIG!
Steve The Wildman: Whoa there buddy, you don't want to kill me, I'm on your side!
Rider: No you're not, you're a Wildman.
Steve The Wildman: No I'm not.
Rider: Well if you're not, then what are you?
Steve The Wildman: I'm a..er...um...I'm a. . .DYKE!
Rider: You are not a Dyke.
Steve The Wildman: Yes I am.
Rider: No you're not.
Steve The Wildman: Yes I am.
Rider: No you're not.
Steve The Wildman: Yes I am.
Rider: Now look, just because you say you are a Dyke does not make you one!
Steve The Wildman: And why not?
Rider: Well to begin with, you're a man, not a woman.
Steve The Wildman: What does that have to do with it?
Rider: Well, a Dyke is a woman that prefers the, um, company of other women over that of men, if you take my meaning.
Steve The Wildman: Says who?
Rider: Well, nobody exactly, but. . .
Steve The Wildman: Well then, if nobody says that I can't be a Dyke, I am one!
Rider: But you are not a woman!
Steve The Wildman: I never claimed to be a female Dyke, I am a MALE Dyke!
Rider: But there's no such thing!
Steve The Wildman: Why not?
Rider: There just isn't, that's all!
Steve The Wildman: Look, I can be a Dyke if I want to!
Rider: But. . .
Steve The Wildman: is there some law, statute or ordinance against it?
Rider: Well, no. . .
Steve The Wildman: Is there some kind of hand book or code of Generally Accepted Dyke Principles?
Rider: I suppose not but. . .
Steve The Wildman: Is there anything anywhere that you can show me, or have ever seen that specifically delineates whether or not a man can, of his own free will, choose to be a Dyke?
Rider: No.
Steve The Wildman: Well then?
Rider: Oh very well, I will concede to you, under protest mind you, that you are, for the time being at least, a Dyke. However, you have not demonstrated that you are in fact a Dyke of the Westfold variety and so, without further adieu, DIE ISENGARDIAN PIG!
Steve The Wildman: Wait just a minute!
Rider: What now?
Steve The Wildman: Have you now, or have you ever heard in any way of a Dyke fighting on the side of Isengard?
Rider: Well no.
Steve The Wildman: Then by your own admission as to the fact of my being a Dyke, you must let me go as there is no way that I could be on the side of the enemy. Now if you will excuse me, I bid good day to you sir!
Rider: Hey. . .
Steve The Wildman: I SAID GOOD DAY!
Rider: Oh, very well. But do be careful and don't forget to glauben you gleebin.
Steve The Wildman: Oh, why that's very kind of you, I shall. . .aw crap!
Rider: Aha! DIE ISENGARDIAN PIG! [skeeeewer!!!!]
[cut to theoden riding madly to the top of Helm's Dike with Aragorn and Legolas and the rest of the Host]
Theoden: Holy Thundering Taproot! would you look at that!
Aragorn: Trees? So what?
Theoden: So they weren't here yesterday, that's so what!
Odd narrator: It was true! Where once there was a green dale, there was now rank upon rank of hoary bearded trees. A fell wood it was and dark was under it. And from it the scent of frangipani and sandalwood drifted along with the Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits. The host of Isengard sought futilely for any means of escape, but all of their attempts were, well, futile.
[cut to Orcs]
Snaga: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo! Not "Truckin". . .AGAIN!!!
Trees: [LOOM!]
Snaga: Nooooo! Anything else PLEASE! Casey Jones, Touch of grey, anything ahhhhhhhhg!
[cut to Theoden]
Theoden: Look! Upon the other side of the Dale! It's Jerry Garcia!
Aragorn: Um, I think that it's Gandalf actually.
Legolas: Mithirandir! Mithirandir!
Theoden: Opps, my bad, must've been the hair and beard.
Aragorn: Say, who is that other man, tall and strong with a shield of red?
Riders: ERKENBRAND! ERKENBRAND!
Aragorn: Thanks guys!
Riders: No problem.
Aragorn: BEHOLD THE MIGHTY WHITEY!
Theoden: CHARGE!
Snaga: My mother told me there'd be days like this!
Ben: Yeah, this really sucks, I'm so paralyzed with fear that I can't even fight back. I know, I'll run away into those trees! Anybody want to come with?
[camera angle: Long shot from top of dyke, er, I mean Dike: The hosts charge down upon the orcs from all sides]
Odd Narrator: And so the host of Isengard, swaying to and fro in time to the strains of Sugar Magnolia, were filled with madness and the wildmen cast themselves to the ground in fear. The Orcs reeled and screamed and casting aside their weapons, were driven back into the waiting darkness of the Forest and there were swallowed up in great mounds of huraches, denim, and tye-died casual wear, and from there none came ever again. Save two. Who, after the war moved to Minas Tirith and opened one of Middle Earths most successful Ice Cream factories. And even still, unto this very day, it is said that if one returns to that spot where the wood once stood, and listens very carefully, one can still hear:
Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, heads all empty and I don't care,
Saw my baby down by the river, knew she'd have to come up soon for air.
Sweet blossom come on, under the willow, we can have high times if you'll abide
We can discover the wonders of nature, rolling in the rushes down by the riverside.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: In the light of that fair morning King Theoden and Gandalf met on the green grass beside Deeping Stream. With them were Aragorn and Legolas, Erkenbrand and the Riders.
Theoden: Ptui!
Erkenbrand: Ptui!
Aragorn: Ptui!
Riders: Ptui!
Legolas: Ick.
Gandalf: Well, were my orcs alright? Did you like this one better?
Theoden: Mighty fine orcs! Almost as good as the real ones!
Odd Narrator: And with a great shout the men who'd retreated to the cave came down from the dike. Eomer was there, and Gamling the Dyke and the dwarf Gimli, who had a bloody rag around his head.
Eomer: Ptui!
Gamling: Ptui!
Gimli: Ptui! Forty-two Master Legolas! The chaw of Rohan sure perks up one's spirits in battle!
Legolas: My count was forty-one. I am glad to see you alive... but I hope that stuff isn't habit forming. Ick.
Eomer: Whoa! What are all those trees doing there?
Gandalf: Oh those! Friends of a friend.
Theoden: Sister-son, wasn't that battle Glorious!
Eomer: Booyah, Sire! Let's do it again!
Gandalf: I think not!
Theoden: Who wrote that anyway?
Gandalf: Russell of Netscape.
Theoden: Russell? That's kind of a runty name. Well anyway, Eomer, take this down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BY ORDOR OF THEODEN KING
RUSSEL of Netcape is heer by hear by made a Nite Kite KNITE of ROHAN.
ALL HALE SER RSSEL RUSSEL!!!
Sined
THEODEN
King of ROHAN
P.S. For his VERY GLORYOUS battle seen.
Rote out by EOMER
3st Marshel of Riddermark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aragorn: So we're off to Isengard now?
Eomer: What about the rest of our demands?
Theoden: Patience, lad!
Aragorn: Oh... forgot. But I'm not a lad.
Odd Narrator: And so Theoden spat out his battle chaw and ordered that tidings of the battle be sent to the four corners of Rohan. And with those tidings, a summons for all men and dykes, young and old, to assemble for a large barbecue in Edoras on the second day after the full moon.
Theoden: We get a better turn-out if we serve food.
Odd Narrator: Theoden chose Eomer and 20 men of his household to go to Isengard and they retired to rest for the evening's journey. Erkenbrand took charge of the cleanup operation. The first thing he did was to prepare stakes and large piles of wood so that the Hillmen could be burned alive.
Hillmen: NOOOOOOO! We don't want to go in the fire!
Erkenbrand: Don't be a...
Rider: (rushing down from the Hornburg) Erkenbrand! Erkenbrand! (whisper whisper whisper)
Erkenbrand: What? Are you sure?
Rider: Yes Sir, that's his orders.
Erkenbrand: Damn! Alright everybody! Change of plan. Only the Shannara books go on the fire.
Hillmen: YEA!!
Erkenbrand: But you'll have to help pile up those orc bodies.
Hillmen: (grumble, grumble)
Erkenbrand: And promise not to read any more Terry Brooks ever again.
Hillmen: YEA!!!
Odd Narrator: Two great mounds were made in the field before the Hornburg for the valiant warriors who'd fallen in defense of their country. With great ceremony and absolutely no goofin' around, the men of the East Dales and of the Westfold were buried there and the mounds were covered with green turves and planted with sprigs of Simbelmyne. Hama, the captain of the king's guard was buried alone in a grave near the Horn. The people of Rohan wept as Theoden cast the first earth on his grave. Then he spoke to the people gathered there:
Theoden: I go forth this evening to a parley, but know this...
Crowd: We can't hear you!
Theoden: ... know that I will not forget that we have been done a great injury by Saruman...
Crowd: Louder! We can't hear you!
Theoden: (very loudly) Well I can hear you! And the wizard responsible for knocking these gates down will be hearing from ALL of us pretty soon!
Crowd: ROOOAAARR!!!
Odd Narrator: Idril, I can't believe you wrote that. I thought you were a Democrat.
Idril: (shrug) Yeah, I know. But what the heck... might as well go with the flow.
Odd Narrator: In the late afternoon the party assembled that was to go to Isengard. As they rode out of the Deep the people sang a Glorious Victory Song written especially for the occasion:
(qkbeam)
No hobbits were slain on that glorious day,
Though the Men of the Mark died in a big way.
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
But the battle was won.
Hurrah! What fun.
(I've killed 41).
With a blah blah blah blahhhhhh!
Our dearly departed and fields strewn with gore...
Hobbits are really quite cute when they snore.
With a blah blah blah blah blahhhhh!
Hey! Cute, cuddly halflings are safely ensconsced
in Chapter the Ninth,
so let us advance!
With a blah blah blah blahhhh!
Odd Narrator: And as they continued toward the dike, they could hear the crowd singing an ancient ballad written by a Queen of ancient days....
Crowd: We are the champions, my friend! We'll stick together 'til the end. We are the champions, we are the champions...
Odd Narrator: Okay, enough of that. Are you happy now Theoden?
Theoden: Yep.
Odd Narrator: Ready to go to Isengard?
Theoden: Yep.
Odd Narrator: Good! And so they rode on to the strange new forest and followed Gandalf under the dark trees. To their surprise the creepy new forest had left the road along Deeping Stream clear, and they were able to ride through unhindered.
(aneya26)
Sound Person: Ha Ha! I knew these coconuts from my last vacation would come in handy.
Horses: Clip-clop, Clip-clop
Legolas: These are the queerest trees I've seen. And I've seen many a wood in my day. I wish I could talk to them.
If I could talk to the treees.
Walk with the treeees.
Gimli: You can't right now so just get over it, you tree hugger!
Legolas: I never...
Gimil: Well now you have. These trees here don't like bipeds and their speech is crushing and strangling.
Legolas: Why I outta strangle YOU!
Gimli: Heh! Just try it you little pixie! Bring it on!
Legolas: You forget quickly. We are sharing a horse, and there is no escape for you.
Gimli: D'oh!
Legolas: Besides, they don't hate ALL those who go on two legs. They simply prefer eating stocky dwarves like you. All those pebbles in your beard and hair give you that special 'je ne se qua'.
Gimli: Jenny says what?
Legolas: It means it makes you extra crunchy and branch lickin' good! Mmmm, mmm!
Gimli: Well I never....
Legolas: Well now you have, so NYAH!!
(Russ)
Gimli: You've never met a tree you didn't like have you? Well they give me the creeps, I'll tell you this though, there is a wonder in Helm's deep that I'll never forget.
Legolas: The Hornburger?
Gimili: Well, that too, but I was talking about something marvelous!
Legolas: I dunno, the horn burger seemed pretty marvelous to me!
Gimli: Well it was, but I am speaking of. . .
Legolas: Three all beef patties, four cheeses, pickles, tomato, lettuce and special sauce! I can taste it already!
Gimli: Yes, yes, I am, however referring to something more wondrous and spectacular than. ..
Legolas: What could be more marvelous than a Hornburger?
Gimli: If you'll just shut up for a minute I'll tell you!
Legolas: Sorry, geeze!
Gimli: Strange are the ways of men, but elves are full-blown, unmitigated crackbrains!
Legolas: Sticks and stones shorty. So what is this mighty wonder you are so obsessed about?
Gimli: I am talking about a wonder more beautiful than any glade or grove that ever grew, my heart is full of it!
Legolas: Full of something, that's for sure! But go on.
Gimli: Hummph! I am speaking of the caverns of Helm's Deep! do you not know that they are beautiful? Why Dwarves would come from all the world over and pay gold just for a. . .
Legolas: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Are you talking about caves? CAVES! That's what this rant is all about? Holes in the ground?
Gimli: Oh and I suppose you think those hovels you and your pops live in are something special? SNORK!
Legolas: Hey!
Gimli: Well you haven't seen them! Great columns and halls of translucent marble as smooth and as supple as Galadriel's derrier! Veins of gold and silver floating in polished walls studded with gems and jewels that would make any sane Dwarf weep for their loveliness!
Legolas: Hah! Now there's a non-sequitur!
Gimli: Oh...nevermind! (sniff) You're an Elf, how could you possibly understand. (sniff, sniff)
Legolas: Aw, now don't cry shorty, I didn't mean anything. Go on, tell me more.
Gimli: No. You'll just make f-fun of m-me. You never t-take anything I say seriously! This is all just one big j-j-joke to you isn't it? BWAHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: Now, now Gimli. I take you seriously! Honest! but I have never heard you speak so eloquently before! It makes me almost wish that I had seen these caves!
Gimli: Sniff, Really? Sniff.
Legolas: No not really! You are talking about Caves dude, CAVES! Gimme a break! But I'll make you a deal, if you'll come with me to Fangorn, I'll visit these caves of yours, just so long as you promise not to cry anymore.
Gimli: Promise?
Legolas: Promise!
Gimli: Well, okay.
Legolas: Good. Well, we're going to have to leave both caves and wood behind for awhile, the trees are coming to an end. Gandalf, how much farther do I have to carry this blubbering rock cutter?
Gandalf: About fifteen leagues as Saruman's crows make it. But we're not going all the way tonight.
Gimli: And what shall we see when we get there?
Gandalf: Who the hell knows? yet I do not think you will say the Journey was in vain, thought we left the Glittering Caves of Aglarond behind.
Legolas: Oh, THOSE caves! Well why didn't you say so?
Gimli: Oh shut up!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: After what seemed like DAYS, the party came to the end of the creepy woods.
Gimli: Finally!
Riders: Nema!
Legolas: (looking back) OOOOooooOOOOOoooohhh pretty!
Gimli: What?
Legolas: Pretty brown eyes looking out from the woods! I gotta go meet 'em. See ya when I see ya!
Gimli: Sheesh! I thought you didn't like girls. Let me off before you go chasing them.
Gandalf: Wait Legolas... those aren't girls.
Legolas: Checking to see if that matters.... hmmmmm... nope!
Gandalf: Patience, Romeo!
Legolas: (SIGH)
Odd Narrator: At that moment the owners of the brown eyes came out of the woods. Actually it was two ents, tall and twiggy, bearded and beaded. They lifted their fists and called "Power to the People" in fluting musical voices. And across the fields the call was returned... other ents were walking toward across the fields toward the wood doing that really creepy fast walk thing that they do.
Theoden: Strangers! Enemies! Prepare to attack!
Gandalf: No stop! Sheesh! They are friends... the ones that brought the trees.
Eomer: So we can't kill them?
Gandalf: That wouldn't be wise because...
Theoden: What if we just beat them senseless?
Gandalf: ... BESIDES being on OUR SIDE, they are VERY STRONG and can KICK YOUR BUTT.
Theoden: Oh.
Gandalf: They are the shepherds of the trees... the Ents! There are still tales of the Ents of Entwood told in your country, though they are mere fireside tales for children.
Eomer: I suppose... yawn.
Theoden: Well, let us know if you see anything we can kill (dozes off in the saddle).
Gandalf: Legolas! Stop trailing behind. I think you can get more ammo for your Kalashnikov at Isengard you know!
Legolas: (PERKS) Oh really? (stops trailing behind)
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator with a fresh new haircut: The company rode on up a nice hill just in time for the glorious last rays of the sun as it set in the West behind them.
Legolas: Wow look at that!
Gimli: Nearly as beautiful as the glittering of Mithril Silver on a sunny....
Legolas: NO! Look at the birds!
Eomer: [trotting up from behind] Yes.. the carrion-fowl have been busy about the battle field.
Gimli: Oh that is disgusting, I think I am going to hurl.
Carmen the Carrion: OH I am sooo full... urrp!
Clifford the Carrion: I know what you mean.. Buuurrrrp..Ahh... better, more room...
Candy the Carrion: Is there any of that tasty naked Orc thigh left?
Clifford: Yo![gives her a high-wing] Yes indeedie.. over there a couple flits to the left and a dive to the sun.
Candy: Thanks bud! [flies off]
Carmen: Yo! Cliff.. I am headed over to this Orc pile beyond the dike.. some fresh eyeballs to pick.. you game?
Clifford: No.. I am fowl.. BWAHAHAHAA!
Carmen: Huh?
Clifford: Nuthin.. your brain is just too small to comprehend.. let's go pick some eyes!
Carmen: [licks beak] Yum!
Odd Narrator: So the crew ignored the gluttonous carrion picking at the dead and rode on for four hours.. even though none had watches.. they somehow could keep the time!
Aragorn: Hey buzz.. I heard that! I happen to know a lot about astronomy so I can too tell the time!
Odd Narrator: Well, anyway they came to the Fords of the Isen.
Eomer: What the heck? Where did all the water go? Did Saruman clog the Isen again?
Gandalf: Well they did have quite the plumbing problem a few years ago.. something about pipes and tree roots.. hmmm. maybe that's why he dug up all those trees.
Theoden: Gandalf, do we have to go this way? I just hate seeing dead people.
Gandalf: Not to worry, M. Night Shyamalan isn't working on this parody.
Theoden: But what if the screenwriters have seen his work..
Gandalf: Oh.. look Theo.. Friends have labored here!
Theoden: What? The cast of Friends lifted their 20 million dollar fingers?
Gandalf: Or at least they paid someone to do the digging for them..
Odd Narrator: For in front of them was a decorated mound of rocks and dirt marked with spears and stones.
Gandalf: Here lie all the Men of the Mark that fell near here.
Eomer: Well, here they will stay.. ain't no way we are going to dig them up and move them back to the other mound! [looking at a very disgusted Theoden] Oh.. I mean.. when all their spears have rusted and only a mound remains they will guard the Ford of Isen!
Theoden: That's better! Well, Gandalf.. it has been a busy day for you!
Gandalf: Well I had help! The cast of Friends, for one.. but just so you know.. they really added lots of stones and things to make the mound look more fantastic. You didn't loose that many men here. Some of them I sent to Erkenbrand, some went to Edoras. I didn't want Eowyn and all the women to be totally defenseless.
Theoden: Oh.. good plan.. hadn't thought about the women! That would've sucked big time!
(Idril)
Light In The Loafers Narrator: The company stopped for the evening at the very tippy Southern toe of the Misty Mountains. From there could see a dark loomy gloomy pillar of vapoury smoke rising up from the Wizard's Vale. It rose, up and up and as it caught the rays of the silvery shiny moon it spread into great pillowy billowy clouds; an elegant black and silver over the star speckled sky.
Theoden: Hey you Boy! Are you some kind of homo or something?
LITL Narrator: (huff) I'm just TRYING to add a little BEAUTY to this chapter. It's not all about blood and guts you know!
Eomer: We don't take kindly to your type... not around these parts.
LITL Narrator: Well you'll SIMPLY have to! I'm the only narrator on this shift.
Theoden: Hmmmm... well don't go sniffin' around any of my riders. You'll get your homo butt killed.
LITL Narrator: As if! I prefer men who... ummm... let's see, what's that thing called? Ahhh.... BATHE?!?!
Aragorn: AHEM! Gandalf, what do you think of that smoke? Another barbecue?
Eomer: Maybe they're having a power shortage and are cooking up everything in the freezer before it goes bad.
Aragorn: But it seems more steamy than smokey.
Eomer: Crab boil?
Theoden: Not this far from the sea.
Eomer: Oh! I know, a peanut boil!
Gandalf: We will find out in the morning, but...
Riders: (perk) Boiled peanuts? Yee haw!
Gandalf: .... I'm PRETTY SURE it's not a peanut boil.
Riders: Aw shoot!
LITL Narrator: Later that night down at the Hornburg there was a great grindy creaky windy noise in the valley, and everyone was PETRIFIED and pulled the covers up over their heads. But in the morning all was bright and gay, and the people came out and saw that the great gloomy grove of creepy trees was gone. And as they looked around with wonder in their bright eyes they saw something that made them squeal with delight! The huge piles of nasty orcs were also gone, Hooray!
Apparently all of the gross disgusting corpses had been buried in a lovely new mound below the Dike. However, the people, being rather superstitious and backward... (sotto voce) Does the word redneck ring a bell? (normal voice) ANYway, the people were afraid to walk on the new mound and the called it the Death Down. Which was a SHAME, because unless you climb to the top you can't really appreciate the LOVELY junk-art sculpture tastefully placed on top. It is entirely made of orc-armor crushed together into a dark, elegant, TORTURED design. Absolutely FABULOUS. SIGH! Oh well, it was ENTIRELY wasted on the people of Rohan, what a shame!
Anyway, back to Gandalf & Co. They were also awakened by that same great grindy creaky windy noise and a loomy gloomy blackness simply DASHING toward them up the river. The riders didn't do the sensible thing and pull the covers over their heads, but instead jumped up and grabbed their weapons and tried to look all macho. Fortunately Gandalf was there to keep them from doing anything silly, and the darkness and noise passed over them and away up the valley.
Well they SIMPLY couldn't go back to sleep after that excitement, and a bit later the river awoke again. Trickles of water began burbling and bubbling among the stones, then it rushed and gushed and swirled and before long the river was flowing and glimmering in the light of the dawn, as if NOTHING had happened.
The party started off again and made its way up the Wizard's vale, which had at one time been THE garden spot of the entire area. But now, Oh Dear! Now it was just awful! It was all neglected and rank with weeds and brambles. And nothing was left of the lovely old groves of trees except for their axe-hewn stumps! (SOB!) Oh, I just can't talk about it anymore, I'm going to close my eyes! (WEEP)
Gandalf: Awww... that's okay. Your shift is almost over anyway. Do you think you could peek out for a moment and describe the pillar?
LITL Narrator: (sniffle) I suppose I could. (hiccup) Let me catch my breath!
Alright... here goes. Suddenly they came upon a tall elegant pillar of black stone, and upon that pillar was a rather well-done carving of a long hand, painted white. It pointed North toward the gates of Isengard.
Gandalf: Thanks. You did good.
LITL Narrator: Gandalf, you're just being a DARLING like always. I'm sure it was just horrid. Well I'm off to have a good cry and a nap. Ta!
Gandalf: Bye!
(Silarien)
Boring Descriptive Narrator:
Beneath the mountain's elbow
Within the Wizard's Belt
In an ancient place called Isengard
Saruman the White dwelt
On passing through his well-oiled gate
You once would have seen orchards
Alas, the grass has met its fate
The fruit trees have been tortured
Now there's tents and trailer parks
Portaloos and cardboard
And in the midst, a citadel
A tower thrusting skyward
Orthanc, which in the speech of elves
Would translate into 'palace'
In the blunt language of the Mark
Means something more like 'phallus'
Saruman breeds the uruk-hai
Who regard him with great dread
But when he's out of ear shot
They call him Orthanc Head
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: As Gandalf rode past the pillar of the hand, it appeared to change...
Rider 1: Whoa! Did you see that?
Rider 2: Yeah, I know. He really should keep his robes tucked in...
Rider 1: No, not that. Look at the hand!
Rider 2: Wow, it's not white anymore... What's that red stuff? Looks like a bad manicure.
Rider 1: EEEEWW! Blood, and... what's that on the fingertip... Oh, YUCK! A giant booger!
Rider 2: Oh, I am SO out of here!
Odd Narrator: As they rode, they saw wide pools beside the road, as if from a flood that had passed. At last, the mists cleared, and they came to the doors of Isengard... or what was left of them.
Rider 2: So where ARE the doors? All I see is jagged rocks everywhere, and what's left of an archway and a tunnel.
Odd Narrator: Oh, thanks for that descriptive observation. I've gotta go, uh... take care of something. Would you mind continuing?
Rider 2: No problem! Uh... look at how the sides of the tunnel are all ripped up! What could have done that?
Rider 1: Either the power of the sea, or a bad case of PMS...
Other Riders: [snicker]
Rider 2: Yes, well... whoa! Look inside the ring... everything's flooded! And look how the water steams around the tower of Orthanc...
Amused Narrator: That was lovely! (giggles) I'll take over for a bit...The king and his company sat silently, viewing the ruin that was Isengard, and realized that Saruman's power was overthrown. Ha! Like, no kidding! Hee, hee! Then they looked toward the archway and the broken gates. Nearby they saw an enormous pile of bottles, plates, bowls and platters, and perched on top... Ho, ho! I see where this is going... were two small figures. Ha, ha, ha!! What? No, wait! I'm not done...!
Odd Narrator: Sorry about that. He was just having too much fun, or something. Now where were we... two small figures. One was dozing, his distended belly rising and falling with his breathing, and the other reclined against a large bowl, blowing smoke rings and tapping his foot to music emanating from a strange looking black box.
[Music plays: "...Smo-o-oke on the water, fire in the sky..."]
Theoden, Eomer, etc: [GAPE!]
Theoden: (whispers to Eomer) What's that funny smell?
Odd Narrator: Suddenly aware of the king and his company, Merry (for so it was) jumps to his feet.
Merry: (bows low) (to Theoden and Eomer) Welcome, my... oh, hold on a sec... [turns and fiddles with the black box. The music stops.] (bowing again) Welcome, my brothers, to Isengard!
Aragorn: (mumbles) What are we? Chopped liver?
Gimli: (waves, trying to get Merry's attention) Why won't he look at me?
Merry: Meriadoc's my name, and my over-stuffed friend here (nudges Pippin with his foot) is Peregrin.
Pippin: [giggles sleepily and turns over]
Gimli: (waves more frantically) Hey! Over here!
Legolas: (sniff, sniff) That's okay... I didn't want to talk to them anyway... [dabs at eyes with the ends of his hair]
Gimli: (still madly waving) Merry! Merry! Whoops!
[Gimli starts to topple of the horse, when Legolas grasps him by the beard and hauls him back on]
Gimli: NOT THE BEARD! Ack!
[Gimli promptly starts to slide off the other side, when he grabs Leggy's hair]
Legolas: NOT THE HAIR!
Merry: The Man-I mean, Saruman-is in his pad, hanging out with some guy called Wormtongue. That name suggests quite the mental image!
Pippin: (without opening his eyes) [snicker!]
Gandalf: And did Saruman set you as door-wardens?
Merry: (to Gandalf) No, Brother Treebeard is calling the shots here, now. He asked me to welcome the Lord of Rohan, and so I have.
Gimli: And what about us? Are you too stoned and stuffed to notice your old friends? You bootless, idle-headed miscreants! We've been chasing all over Rohan looking for you, and now here you are lying around, apparently having eaten every speck of food in the place...
Merry: Actually, there're some brownies left...
Pippin: [giggle!]
Gimli: And smoking! Smoking! Where in Middle Earth did you find a dealer?
Eomer: (to Theoden) I think that explains the funny smell...
Gimli: I don't know whether to hug you or throttle you!
Legolas: Well, don't throttle them until they tell us where they got the booze...
Pippin: [burps lustily and opens one eye] It appears that the wizard was out of brains when you got to the Emerald City! Obviously, this is our booty from a victorious battle.
Merry: [snicker] You said booty.
Pippin: [snicker, snicker] I know!
Gimli: You guys? No way!
Merry and Pippin: Way!
Theoden: Well, I kin see that all y'all know each other. So these fellas are the ones you lost? Huh. Will wonders never cease? They look kinda like the Stegdim of our tall tales.
Pippin: Hobbits! We're hobbits.
Merry: We've never met anyone who'd heard of us before.
Theoden: Well, I don't know much, but I've heard tell of small folk that don't do much 'cept live in holes and hide from big folk. It's said that they kin plumb disappear, and kin change their voices to sound like birds...
Pippin: (giggling) Hey, Merry... chirp, chirp!
Merry: [snicker] (flutter, flutter) Ow! Almost can't do that any more... Must be wearing off...
Theoden: But what's this smokin' stuff?
Merry: Well...
Gandalf: Wait! Don't get him started!
Theoden: What? But...
Gandalf: No! It'll only encourage him!
Theoden: But I really wanna hear...
Gandalf: You don't know what you're getting yourself into...
Theoden: Go ahead, young feller.
Gandalf: Hoo, boy... Don't say I didn't warn you...
Merry: Ahem. [whips out a white board and begins listing an outline as he speaks] Well, A few generations ago, Tobold Hornblower, of Longbottom in the Southfarthing, grew the first true pipe-weed in his gardens....
Odd Narrator: Merry droned on and on, and before long most of the company had drifted off to sleep...
Company: ZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Merry: ...and then we could turn the tower into a mall, and this surrounding area would make an awesome water park...
Theoden: Huh?... What??
Merry: Just wanted to see if you were still paying attention.
Gandalf: Okay, that's quite enough, Merry. Where's Treebeard, anyway?
Merry: North side, with the other Ents. He's expecting you, and you'll find food there, too.
Pippin: Yeah, they made me leave you some. [pouts]
Theoden: [yawns] See ya later, hobbits! Maybe someday ya'll kin tell me your family history... (under his breath) Not!
[The hobbits bow as the company rides off]
Pippin: So that's the King, huh? Well, anyone who can sit through one of your dissertations at least has endurance going for him!
Merry: Yes, and a very polite listener. Next time we meet, I think I'll run some more of my real estate ideas by him...
Pippin: (rolls his eyes) You ARE easily encouraged...