**WARNING** some of the following is pretty darned twisted. Lots of killin' and spittin'.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: As the sun moved past noon, the king's company traveled northwest toward the fords of Isen.
Eomer: So that's where the barbecue is going to be?
Gandalf: Oh about that... hmmmm.... how should I put this? We aren't exactly invited... you see...
Gimli: No barbecue, just battle.
Eomer: Oh, I knew that. I thought barbecue was some weird elvish term or something.
Odd Narrator: After a several hours, they stopped for the night.
Aragorn: No offense guys, but I'm going to bed down over this way... appearances and all... you know.
Legolas: Understood, no problem.
Gimli: Alright, but if you have a bad dream don't come crawling back over here.
Odd Narrator: At dawn they rose and continued their journey. A great storm was gathering in the East, and in the Northwest there was another darkness about the feet of the Misty Mountains.
Gandalf: What's that darkness up ahead, Legolas?
Legolas: Ummmm... looks like an absence of light to me.
Gandalf: That's not much help.
Legolas: Well how am I supposed to see darkness? Alright, alright, I see a veiling shadow moving down the Isen with large indefinite shapes moving about within. It's as if twilight under endless trees were flowing downwards from the hills.
Gandalf: You made that up didn't you.
Legolas: No, I got it from the book. Nyah!
Gandalf: (looking East again) Darn, I forgot to bring an umbrella.
Odd Narrator: As the sun was beginning to set...
Gimli: About time! Do we camp yet?
Gandalf: No, hush!
Odd Narrator: ... the company met a weary rider who asked for Eomer.
Ceorl: Oh Eomer, it was horrible! We've been slaughtered. Dead! All Dead! Orcs! Wild men! Run for your lives!
Theoden's company: Dead? Run away?
Theoden: RUN AWAY? OVER MY DEAD BODY!
Eomer: (to Theoden) Word choice?
Theoden: Ummm... right. We will NOT run! We've come to fight!
Soldier: I thought we came for the barbecue.
Ceorl: My king! Erkenbrand is making for Helm's deep with our remaining forces.
Eomer: I thought you said they were all dead.
Ceorl: Ummm... Oh I did say that. Sorry, I was a little panicky there. I feel much better knowing Theoden king is here. We need a real leader!
Eomer: Excuse me?
Ceorl: Oh sorry... ummm...
Gandalf: (looking into the distance) Never mind that now! Theoden, ride to Helm's Deep! I must leave you for a while... urgent business you know. Off you go Gimli!
Gimli: (hitting the ground) UMMPPH! Hey!
Gandalf: See you later alligators! I'll meet you at Helm's gate. You all try not to get slaughtered! (races off)
Theoden & company: (stares slack-jawed)
(Russ)
Other Guard: My, how convenient!
Hama: Say that to his face!
Other Guard: Kind of hard when every time things get tough all we ever see of him is his BACK!
Hama: Well, he has his reasons.
Other guard: So said Wormtongue.
Hama: And look at what happened to him.
Other Guard: Ouch! Good point.
Apenas otro narrador: And so the host turned south, away from the Fords of Isen and towards Helm's Deep. A mighty fortress it was, approachable only by following helm's road through the narrow Helm's gorge until one came to Helm's gate which was a part of Helm's wall that Blocked the gorge and over all towered Helm's Hornburg watch tower and Hof-Brau which served the world famous Helm's Hornburger. Three 1/3 of a pound patties on a Kaiser roll with all the fixin's.
(qkbeam)
Yummmm. And what's a Hornburger without the Mustard of Rohan.(Russ)
From the wide helm's culvert beneath the wall ran out the Helm's deepening stream. Anyway, that ran down through Helm's gate and down Helm's wide green gore to Helm's dike. What she did with it after that is anyone's guess. After that it ran down to Helm's deepening coomb and out into Helm's Westfold vale.
Oh yeah, Erkenbrand lived in the Deep and was in charge of managing the affairs of the Deep and the Hof-Brau.
What, there's more? Geeze, Okay. The Host from Rohan rode on and on until they came to the coomb. That's it!
Horn: Blat!
Arrow: Zip!
Scout: Ewww! That's not good.
Theoden: Report!
Scout: It's bad sir, dead guys everywhere, orcs, wolves and wildmen running willy-nilly around the woods.
Arrow: Zip!
Scout: And then there's that.
Theoden: What about. . .
Arrows: Zip! Zap! Zoot! Thunk!
Rider: Ow!
Scout: Erkenbrand sir? He's MIA.
Theoden: How many of 'em are there?
Scout: Lots.
Theoden: Crap! I was afraid of that. anybody seen Gandalf?
Scout: Just his back sir.
Eomer: Well, we can sit here and die, or we can use the men as a shield and drive on to the deep. The troops might be slaughtered, but at least that way we'll survive.
Scout: Er, excuse me?
Eomer: Oops! I mean, let us make a charge toward the deep and drive that part of the enemy before us.
Theoden: Sounds like a plan, Hi-ho Eorlingas, AWAY!
(Lorellin71450158)
Behind the Scenes:
Cameraman: ....<hic!>....<hic!>....<hic!>....
Film: roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..
HMT Medical Team (Healers of Minas Tirith): [innocently], See, I told you there was a Medical Hiccup Emergency (can't possibly have jumps all over the footage can we?)- I wasn't really trying to get out of the Eunuch situation - this is far more important.
[puts on protective gloves and retrieves key from -40C freezer (every film set has one, right?).
Sneaks up behind unsuspecting cameraman and drops it down the back of his neck]
Film: roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..sudden pan skywards..
Cameraman: *@&%~#@*!!!!
[cast and crew look on in astonishment as cameraman starts leaping round trying to retrieve key (and doing a passable imitation of the Springle Ring Dance after several pints)Glares at HMT Medical Team]
Cameraman: *@&%~#@*!!!!!!<hic!>
HMT Medical Team: Well, really! That's gratitude for you - I was only trying to do my job. [Flounces off in a huff]
Cameraman: ....<hic!>....<hic!>....<hic!>....
Film: roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..
HMT Medical Team: [lurks out of sight]
(Russ)
[Camera: Follows the host through the coomb. Ahead of them, scattered bands of orcs flee. Behind in the distance, the torches of the Orc host can be seen flickering and lighting fires along the way.]
[cut to Aragorn, Eomer and Legolas riding at the head of the troop]
Aragorn: This sucks!
Eomer: Fleeing from the enemy?
Aragorn: NO, all this riding, I'm chaffing terribly.
Theoden: Well you ain't gonna have to worry fer long, we's almost ta helm's Dike.
Aragorn: Are we going to turn there and give battle?
Theoden: Nah, but the old crone has one helluva salve for chaffing!
[cut to Theoden's arrival at the dike]
Gamling: Who goes there!
Eomer: The Lord of the Mark rides to Helm's Gate my, er, lady?
Gamling: Don't get cute you lil whippersnapper! And it's about damn time too!
Theoden: How many are you and where's the Dike?
Gamling: Right here you old coot! Don't ye rekenize me? No eh? Cain't say's I blame ya, what with the operashun an' all. Well, I reckon there's about a thousand of us more or less. Mostly old men and dykes like me that have seen too many winters, but we'll fight by cracky! We ain't skeert of a few orcs.
Theoden: There's more like several thousands.
Gamling: Like I said, we ain't skeert, but we ain't dumb neither! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Theoden: Like the man said, let's git!
Aragorn: But the Dyke, my salve! Sigh.
[camera angle: Far above the dike, the host rides on with Gamling and crew bringing up their rear. Behind the Host of Isengard is fast closing. Cut to Eomer Theoden and Aragorn. All are riding hard]
Eomer: Whew! We were lucky back that Erkenbrand left those folk to defend the Dike!
Aragorn: Because they're such valiant warriors?
Theoden: No because they're on foot and we can outrun them!
[Theoden and crew arrive at Helms gate and the men start taking up positions on the wall]
Gimli: [stamping feet] Now this is more like it!
Legolas: Getting the feel of the rock here eh?
Gimli: Nah, my foots asleep. All that damn riding has just about ruined my circulation.
Legolas: I heard that! I'm gonna have saddle sores for a month! So how's your axe doing?
Gimli: It's sore as hell too, but I'll live. Right now I just want to hew a few orc necks, kind of get loosened up. How about you?
Legolas: Lock and load baby, lock and load.
Gimli: Wouldn't you like some better light for shooting?
Legolas: Nah! Laser sighting and the starlight scope make just like day time! My baby has it all!
AK: aw shucks! (blush)
[screams and shouts from beyond the wall]
Gamling: Open the damn gate dadgummit! They're gonna kill us all!
Ugkglub: Kill them, kill them all!
other orcs: Yes, Kill them all!
[a bazillion orc arrows fly toward the wall, but there are no answering shots]
Ugkglub: Well that was easy! Come on everyone, time to eat.
(Lorellin71450158)
Behind the Scenes:
Cameraman: ....<hic!>....<hic!>....<hic!>....
Film: roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..
Medic: [ Dons warg mask 'borrowed' from the make up department. Sneaks up behind poor unsuspecting cameraman]
BOOO!!!
Film: roll..roll..Jump..roll..roll..Jump..roll..dramatic 360 pan..
Cameraman: ....<hic!>....<hic!>.... *@&%~#@*!!!!
Medic: [ beats hasty retreat, cackling like a banshee, bandages fluttering gracefully in the breeze]
Hee, hee, hee, hee...
Cameraman: *@&%~#@*!!!!!!
Film: roll..roll..roll..roll..roll..roll..
Medic: [smug grin on face]
~~ Another dangerous medical mission accomplished ~ another life saved...all in a days work...
(Sillimarilli)
[scene: just inside Helm's Gate, a crowd of journalists jostle each other for the best view of the podium in front of the Deep. ]
Gamling: [walks to the podium as flashbulbs go off in the crowd] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending this press conference on such short notice. You know that we have a great guest, the defense secretary of the Mark, Eomer son of Eomund, and a big delegation with him. He has just arrived in Helm's Deep in order to discuss the recent changes in the geopolitical structure of Middle Earth. I think if you have questions, you can ask Mr. Secretary or me, and whoever will answer.
Secretary Eomer: The Lord of the Mark has ridden to Helm's Gate. I, Eomer, son of Eomund, speak. I first want to thank the Keeper of the Gate for his kind words. Our delegation has just met with the Lord of the Mark and a number of the ministers of the local government of Westfold. Meduseld is deeply grateful for the response and cooperation that has been promptly offered by the local government of Erkenbrand of whom Helm the Hammerhand's blood is revisited. The cooperation is very real and very important from the standpoint of overflights, intelligence gathering and various types of military-to-military cooperation. Of course the King knows intimately the situation in Helm's Deep. He understands well the dynamics on the ground and the difficulty of the task.
Theoden King is determined that Rohan and the coalition partners across Middle Earth will in fact go after Saruman's Axis of Evil wherever they are and destroy the networks of those of the White Hand. And there is no question but the Uruk-Hai in league with the wild men of Dunland are target number one. The effort is a broad one, involving economics and finances, diplomacy, as well as military activity. It will take the help of all countries across Middle Earth if we are in fact deal with this problem, and it is a problem that is getting worse every year because of the availability of weapons of magical rings.
I'd be happy to respond to questions.
Crowd: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
Secretary Eomer: Yes, Eowine of Westfold Windy Times
Eowine: Mr. Secretary, you have been gracious enough to give us a tour of the Deeping Wall. I can't help but comment that your foes appear to the eye as a great field of dark corn upon the Deeping Coomb. Would you characterize the situation faced by the Riders of Rohan as a desperate one?
Secretary Eomer: No, no. I would not. I have all the confidence in our leadership, military personnel and the strategic implementation of our military technologies.
Crowd: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
Eowine: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary! A follow-up question if you please..
Secretary Eomer: Yes, please proceed.
Eowine: Thank you, Mr. Secretary. Is it the intention of the Riders of the Mark and associated coalition partners to defend Helm's Deep and in what manner do you plan to do so?
Secretary Eomer: Yes, well, I will have to be circumspect in my reply in order to avoid compromising the security of our military units and refugees deployed here in Helm's Deep, but, yes, I think I can fairly state that our intent is to have a significant negative impact on the existential viability of Saruman's biological self-sustaining units.
Eowine: Sir! Sir! and the second part of my question, please!
Secretary Eomer: Ah, yes, well, you know that the greatest secrecy is needed in order to not compromise our position. But, I believe that I can safely state that we intend to initiate an oxidization process by which a flow of natural petroleum byproducts can achieve maximal efficiency in repelling our foes.
Crowd: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
Secretary Eomer: Yes, Guthwine of Gaffer's Gazette
Guthwine: With all due respect, Mr. Secretary, isn't this the same technology that merely resulted in a warm slippery bath that just served to increase the rage of the Dunlanders when poured over them during prior engagements at Helm's Deep, resulting in the pillage of Westfold from which we have just recovered?
Secretary Eomer: Yes, well, but we have refined our implementation of such technology. At that time, we really did not know how long before the battle to start the oxidation process. Rest assured, we have corrected our calculations, and are starting the process much earlier this time. But, in addition, our ballistic experts have developed precision guided avian projectiles and large particulate samples, which we expect will achieve a high aspect ratio in a coordinated pattern over the battlements. So, with the air support provided by our ballistic projectiles and the strategic reorganization of the distribution of anthropoid-equine units, we will obtain the obliteration of the Axis of Evil's potential for retaliation.
Crowd: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
Secretary Eomer: Yes, Merlotwine of the Manifest Daily.
Merlotwine: Sir, could you comment on the rumor of shake up in the power structure at Meduseld?
Secretary Eomer: No, I could not.
Merlotwine: But, sir, isn't it true that the Lord of the Mark has terminated the employment of his most trusted advisor Grima Wormtongue and that the whereabouts of Erkenbrand Lord of Westfold are unknown? What implications does this have for the military readiness of the Mark and its relationship with the coalition partners?
Secretary Eomer: [testily] All I am going to say on this subject is that Theoden son of Thengel remains the Lord of the Mark and he leads us in battle. Westu, Theoden Hal! Next question!
Crowd: Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
Secretary Eomer: Yes, Shirazwine of the Vox Populi.
Shirazwine: Mr. Secretary, you made a reference to weapons of magical rings. Can you characterize the Mark's position on Saruman's capability of manufacturing or acquiring weapons of magical rings?
Secretary Eomer: We are not certain that Saruman has the capability of developing his own weapons of magical rings at this time, as he expelled our monitors several years ago. At the time they were expelled, we knew that if he had the capability, he would have employed it. He has always had an interest in weapons of magical rings. Indeed, we have had recent intelligence that Saruman has been exploring the possibility of acquiring weapons of magical rings manufactured by other political entities through his ties with the Black Weapon Market. So, yes, we are concerned.
Shirazwine: Sir! Sir! Does this mean that the Mark and its coalition partners intend to develop their own weapons of magical rings to sustain an equal balance of power?
Secretary Eomer: [pause] I'm afraid I cannot comment on this question due to national defense security issues.
Gamling: [interrupts] I'm afraid that is all the time we have for questions. We will notify you of future press conferences via the Horn of the Deep.
Secretary Eomer: Thank you very much. Forth Eorlingas!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: And the lightning crashed... revealing a whole @&!*load of orcs beyond the wall.
Aragorn: Holy Guacamole! That's a lot of orcs.
Orcs in the front: GRR!!! Howl!!! Pffft pfft!
Various orcs in the back: I can't see a darned thing. Hello.... that's my foot you're standing on! Here, put Snaga up on your shoulders so he can report. Has the fighting started yet? Ugh... I hate crowds. Does ANYBODY know what's happening? Not... enough... air... I think I'm gonna hurl! EWWW! That's just great!
Snaga*: Yes, I think I can see.... looks like they're attacking the gates.
[*Note: There's lots of different Snagas in this parody, but they aren't all the same character. All the runty orcs get named Snaga. It's just a generic runty orc name. You know.... like RUSSELL.]
Aragorn: Hey, they're attacking the gates with rams!
Rams: BAM! BAM!
Gates: Squeal! Groan!
Eomer: This is not a good thing.
Aragorn: We should run out with our two swords and make them stop.
Eomer: That sounds like a really dumb idea. I'm with you!
Odd Narrator: They gathered a few stout swordsmen and ran to a dilapidated wooden door with a rusty hinge way over on the end of the wall. The door led to a little path that went round to the gate.
Stout swordsman: Ummm... I was wondering why the orcs don't use this door instead of battering at the gate?
Eomer: Sh!
Odd Narrator: Then they plowed bravely into the Hillmen that were trying to ram the gates.
Eomer: Guthwine!
Aragorn: What? Gut wine? Gross!
Eomer: That's my sword, duh.
Aragorn: Oh! Right! Anduril! Anduril!
Anduril: YAWN!! What's up? Oh... battle! Cool!
Aragorn: Here is the sword that was broken!
Hillman: What TF is he yelling about? OW! Okay, now I know. [bleed bleed die]
Odd Narrator: Dismayed, the Hillmen let fall their rams turned to face them Aragorn and Eomer.
Rams: Bleat! Bleat! Run away!
Odd Narrator: Our fearless protagonists hacked and chopped their way through several orcs and Hillmen until the rest decided that they should go catch the rams.
Aragorn: Alright!
Eomer: We rock! (high five)
Anduril: I think I'm going to like this chapter!)
Aragorn: (examining gates) Those rams put a dent in the gates... amazing how those little guys can do that.
Eomer: (points out 8 thousand oncoming enemies) Ummm... how about we go inspect them some more from the inside?
Aragorn: Alright, my survival instinct is finally kicking in. Let's skeedaddle!
Eomer: I'm right behind y..... damn you skeedaddle fast! Hey wait a min.... WHOA!
Odd Narrator: At that moment a bunch of orcs that weren't dead yet (having only suffered flesh wounds) started feeling much better and leaped out after them. Two tripped Eomer and knocked him down.
Orc: Grrrr!
Eomer: Help!
Other Orc: Mr Urban, can I have your autograph! [SNORK]
Orc: [SNORK] Good one! Grrr!
Gimli: (leaping out) Baruk Khazad! Kazad ai-menu! [Translation: We Dwarves aren't tall or pretty, we don't look good in slacks. But in one field this Dwarf excels, and that's swinging this big ole' axe!]
Orc: Oh that's ba
[WHACK]
Other orc: Yike
[WHACK]
Aragorn: Oh, nice decap work Gimli... these should mount up mighty fine!
Eomer: Yeehaw! Okay, now I'm covered with orc blood. [hurl]
Odd Narrator: After the party ran back in through the dilapidated wooden gate (remembering to latch it with the rusty nail), Eomer thanked Gimli profusely.
Eomer: Thanks profusely... Um... I mean that was mighty neighborly of you!
Gimli: Pshaw! 'twern't nothin! I'm sure you'd do the same!
Odd Narrator: Shh! Now Gimli has found Legolas on the wall. Let's be quiet and listen to one of the most moving and beautiful exchanges between the two races in all of Tolkien's work.
Gimli: Ha! I beheaded two orcs! Blood went everywhere... that was fun!
Legolas: Oh is that all? Me and AK killed 847 from up here. Man, it's fun to keep pumping bullets into 'em while they twitch.
Gimli: Oh, you did NOT kill 847.
Legolas: Sure we did!
Gimli: You only had 20 arrows... I mean cartridges. Here, let me check. Duck everybody! (tosses a torch over the wall)
[they duck and wait for the orc arrows to stop flying over]
Gimli: (peeking over the wall) See.
Legolas: (peeking over wall and scratching his head) I could have sworn I killed at least 500.
Gimli: Maybe your automatic is jammed. You'd better set it on single shot until your meds kick in... I mean until you can get a gunsmith to look at it.
Legolas: Okay, but I'm still at 20 to your 2... nyah!
Odd Narrator: As the moon came out Aragorn and Eomer were treated to the sight of even MORE orcs and hillmen swarming around the base of the wall. They began throwing ropes and ladders up to try to scale the wall. (The ropes didn't work very well until they got the idea that one had to throw the end with the grappling hook.) The orcs swarmed up like apes. Wait, apes don't really swarm, do they? Maybe more like ants, only bigger and uglier. And not so insect-like. Anyway, the defenders were hard-pressed to keep the enemy off the wall. They cut the ropes and pushed the ladders off, causing many of the orcs to plummet to their deaths, but many others swarmed over like nasty ape-like cockroaches. Ugh... gross! Excuse me, I need to out for some air. Hey can you fill in for me?
Retired RN Narrator: Well I was just finishing my lunch.
Odd Narrator: No really, I'm feeling queasy.
Retired RN Narrator: Okay. (chew) Let's see... where are we? Aha. Aragorn and Eomer rallied the troops three times, and three times they slaughtered the orcs on the wall and flung their sundered pieces down upon their comrades below. (Oh, that sounds good. (munch) Do we have film of that or not?)
Aragorn: Sheesh! We're going to lose this if we aren't careful. Time for a rally. Anduril! Anduril!
Anduril: (swingin' and singin')
It's getting LATE have you seen my MATES
Ma tell me when the boys get here!
It's seven o'clock and I want to rock!
Want to get a belly full of beer.
Men of Rohan: YEAH!!! [slaughter slaughter]
Aragorn: (parry thrust)
My old man's drunker than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
YOUR sister looks cute in her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair
Eomer: (swing decapitate) Don't be singing about my sister, or I'll come kick your ass... seriously.
Aragorn: (slash stab) Hey, you need to tell her to put somethin' on besides her braces and boots... seriously.
Anduril: (GLEAM)
Don't give us none of your AGGRAVATION
We had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting!
Get a little action in!
Orcs: ARRGGHH!
Aragorn (swing feint):
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Men of Rohan (slaughter slaughter):
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!
Wargs: WOOOOOOO WOOO WOO WOOO!
Hillmen: [BLEEEEED bleed bleed die]
Aragorn (swing kill):
Well they're packed pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a dolly who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle to get what I need
I may sink a little drink and shout out "She's with me!"
Eomer (parry stab):
A couple of the sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product of the working class
Whose best friend floats in the bottom of a glass
Orcs: WHOOOOOOOA!
Men of Rohan (kill slaughter):
Don't give us none of your AGGRAVATION
We had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting!
Get a little action in!
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
`Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!
Retired RN Narrator: Alright! That got 'em fired up. Anyway after the "Your Sister Can't Twist" rally and the "Dirty Little Girl" rally....
Eomer: Hey! Why are all these songs have sisters and girls in them?
Aragorn: Coincidence! Seriously.
Retired RN Narrator: ....the men of Rohan grew became weary and the squishy broken orc carcasses began piling up around the foot of the wall (munch). The defenders were all covered with black gore and most could barely find a clean spot of linen to wipe the blood and sweat out of their eyes (chew). (Oh, I tell ya. You don't want to get orc blood in your eyes, that's some nasty stuff (crunch, chew)).
Then in the midst of a fierce attack Gimli cried out...
Gimli: (jumping down from the wall) Khazad, Khazad! (Translation: Look! Orcs have crept up Deeping Culvert where Deeping Stream flows through the Deeping Wall! They have waited until the assault on the wall was in full swing and attacked from the shadow of Deeping Cliffs, narrowly avoiding the Jaws of the Deep. Now they are in Deeping Stables among the horses!)
Gamling: (who was feeling much better) Orcs in the Deep! Orcs in the Deep! Attack!
Retired RN Narrator: Gimli and the dykes of Westfold attacked the orcs and drove them into a corner, where the nasty things begged for mercy.
Gimli: Okay, we'll let you go if you promise to be good.
Orcs: Really?
Gimli and Westfolders: NO! [SNORK] [slaughter slaughter]
Orcs: Oh c***! [bleed bleed die]
Gamling: Alright, we have to stop up that rathole. You dwarves are good with stonework aren't you?
Gimli: Don't look at me, you're the dyke.
Gamling: Ha! Good one!
Retired RN Narrator: They blocked the culvert with stones, which blocked most of the stream too. They couldn't figure out how to solve the flooding problem so they climbed back on the wall and hoped nobody would notice. Aragorn and Eomer were busy power washing the walkway, while Legolas was singing and cleaning his knives.
Aragorn: You know, the blood isn't that bad, it kind of dries tacky, but those little bits of gore are slippery! I slipped on one a while back and 'bout busted my butt.
Gimli: Looks like you've been busy up here. Hey Legolas, how are you doing there, partner?
Legolas: Huh? Oh I'm good. Out of ammo though (sigh).
Gimli: I'm up to 21! Heh! I smacked one in the side of the head and it must have damaged his brain. He kept running around in circles... what a hoot!
Legolas: I kinda fugued out there for a while, but Aragorn says I knifed this bunch over here. That makes 25 for me.
Gimli (poking through pile of orc bodies): Hey... this one's in two pieces. You can't count him twice.
Legolas: Oh you're right! Sorry. Two dozen then.
Gimli: So I'm still behind, but I'm catching up. Now wait a minute! How do you cut an orc in two with an 18" blade?
Legolas: Oh that? Both knives, see... kinda like this [demonstrates on orc body]. Gotta get below the ribcage, though.
Gimli: Damn, that's nice. Ya know what? We may be doomed, but at least we're doing what we love to do!
All: AMEN!
Retired RN Narrator: (munch, chew) AMEN!
(Russ and aneya26)
[cut to Aragorn, Gamling and Eomer resting on the Wall amid the carnage of the last attack....not far off, the sounds of battle could still be heard.]
Sounds of Battle: Zip! Pfft! Arrghh! ACKK! Grrr!! Clang! Bam!
Pow! Wahhhh!!!
Aragorn: Got any threes?
Eomer: Go fish.
Aragorn: [draws a card] Man This is the longest night I've been through since the first time I was with Arwen. I'll be glad when the sun come up.
Gamling: Eomer, sevens?
Eomer: (sigh) [Hands over two cards]
Gamling: Well, Dawn's a-coming soon, for all the good it'll do.
Eomer: Life partner?
Aragorn: Detergent?
Gamling (sarcastically): Yeah, I've sent some guys out to the store to pick some up. Thought it might help us to clean the orc blood, guts, and various body parts off our weapons, clothes and the like.
No you Numenorean buffoon! I mean dawn of the day, sunrise?
Aragorn: Well, dawn is ever the hope of men.
Gamling: Fat lot of good it'll do us agin these beasties of Saruman! His breeding program has made some nasty a** foes. They fight in the day light!
Eomer: How do they do it?
Gamling: Raybans and Coppertone.
Aragorn: Those bastards! But how did he get orcs and goblin-men to...you know...get it on?
Gamling: I don't know. Lots of paper bags and some Barry White perhaps. Geez!!! Can you hear their voices?
Streisand Orc: Papa can you hear me? Papa can you see me?
Speared Orc: Ooops! I did it again...
Eomer: [holding his ears] By the gods! It's hideous. Make it stop! Make it stop! Lalalalalala.....
Gamling: Yet there are many that cry in the Dunland tongue.
Wild Man of Dunland: Guttan Gleeben Glotten Globen
Gamling: They hate us!
Aragorn: Well duh!! We're trying to beat them all to a bloody, unrecognizable pulp. It's not exactly a bar mitzvah we're throwin' here.
Gamling: Yes, that and they hold terrible grudges.
(Russ)
Eomer: Ai! Ai! We're doomed!
Aragorn: Not yet, we've still got the Hornburg in our defense. It is said that as long as men have defended it, it has never fallen.
Eomer: That's what the minstrels say.
Aragorn: Then let us defend it! But first let's grab a burger, I'm famished!
Horn: HEY! THERE'S ORCS IN THE CULVERT. . .AGAIN!
[fiery explosion from the culvert under the wall]
Orcs: CHARGE!
[orcs swarm in through the "enlarged' culvert]
Aragorn: Aw crap! Elendil, Elendil, yadda yadda. [attacks the Orcs]
[thousands of orcs swarm over the walls like a moving carpet]
Theoden: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
[The defenders retreat to the safety of the caves and Hornburg. Aragorn stay behind at the foot of the stairs, to the Citadel with Anduril blazing while the others make their way up to safety]
Anduril: BOO! HAH, scared ya!
Aragorn: Don't get cocky!
Anduril: Sorry. (BLAZE! BLAZE! BLAZE!)
[cut to orcs]
Skargul: Let's 'ave at 'em mateys!
Grashnat: Arrr! Death t'the white skins arrr!
Skargul: You go forst Grashnat!
Grashnat: Me? Arrr, why me ye scurvey billy bones! T'was yer idea were it not?
Skargul: Aye, t'was, but i went forst last time, now'it's yer turn, Arrr!
[cut to Aragorn]
Legolas: v.o. Aragorn, everyone is safe inside, come back!
Aragron: [surrounded by a sea of Orcs] Well it's been nice chatting with all you fine folk, but gotta go. Seeya, wouldn't want to be ya!
Anduril: phbbbbbbbbbbbbbth!
[Aragorn turns and runs up the stairs]
[cut to orcs]
Skargul: Arrrr! Him's gettin' away! After 'im boyos!
Grashnat: Arrrr! E's mine!
Arrow: Zitoonk!
Grashnat: Ow! Die.
Aragorn: Whew! nice shootin' Tex! but where's your little friend?
[legolas slams and bars the door]
Legolas: Out of ammo. The rest of my stuff is back in the caves with the horses.
Aragorn: Too bad, we could sure use it now!
(merithehobbit)
Legolas: Hey.. Aragorn? Where is Gimli?
Aragorn: Well, he was out on the ground fighting and we were swept apart...
Legolas: Dang! That is evil news....
Aragorn: [puts his hand on Legolas' shoulder] I am sorry.. I know how you feel about him.. cheer up.. maybe he got away up in the caves...he would like that....
Legolas: [looking at Aragorn with a confused snarl] Oh.. I am sure he is fine...I just wanted to tell him that I am SO ahead of him in the death count contest...39! He is going to owe me an ale!
Aragorn: Uh.. oh... Ok.. whatever. [heads to the citadel]
Retired RN Narrator: Aragorn learned much to his dismay that Eomer had not reached the Hornburg.
One of the Westfold-men: I am sorry but I last saw him cringing in the center of a bunch of men.. and they must have gone into the Deep.. that short furry dwarf was with him.. so they must have stuck together.
Aragorn: Dang! [walks over to inner court]
Theoden: Oh.. what is the news..[picks up a remote control]
Servant #1: Good Early Morning King.. and welcome to the Helm's Deep News...I'm Tom Tuffguy
Servant #2: And I am Geraldo Iscareya
Tom: Well, the battle was very bloody on the front of the Rock this evening... much guts and gore filling every path and walkway...
Geraldo: The lower guard have taken to using shovels to remove some of the carnage but sadly we have lost multiple noble warriors due to injuries from slipping on guts.
Tom: Eomer and the dwarf, were joined by Gamling and a bunch of extras in a nasty fight involving loogies and passing gas before retreating to the Deep.
Geraldo: The outlook is grim, and the sky is heavy with the darkness of pre-dawn. The air is filled with the foul stench of Orcs, and their blood and icky barf piles that scatter the landscape.
Theoden: Eeeww.. this is a gross broadcast.. I am getting depressed.
Tom: And as we wait, surrounded by Orcs and bad guys, the enemy is using devilry that no one has seen. Our reporter on the battlement sends us word that the blasting fire they have brought has caused the Wall to be taken.
Geraldo: This would be the first time the Wall has been taken.. it was a virgin..
Tom: The caves are most likely safe... but the possibility remains that our folk inside could be trapped.. with only high fissures above for fresh air. And having just finished that bloody battle, and the noxious gas wars.. it ought to smell pretty bad in there...
Theoden: AAAAAAAKKK! [flipping remote wildly] Stop! I can't stand sitting here in this prison.. I would rather be speared out in the open than sit here and listen to you two anymore!
Geraldo: Hey.. we haven't even done Sports yet!
Aragorn: Yeah.. that is the only reason to watch the news...
Theoden: [glare] I really just wanted to see the weather.. for I am going out rain or shine.. I will not die in here like a weenie.. I am going out in the morning to ride forth... it should be a good show... but it might be nice to know what to wear.
Tom: Ahem.. Sports?
Geraldo: The tally in the Legolas vs. Gimli contest is undetermined.. we know Legolas pulled into the lead at 39 dead Orcs, but as Gimli was pushed out of bounds we await his score from the satellite feed.
Tom: In other Sports news the Grappling Hook throwing contest has been going on for quite a long time and despite the multiple warnings on the labels, we have discovered that over 20 Orcs have died of serious head fractures when the Grapples missed and conked them below.
Geraldo: This is being investigated by OrcOSHA who believe a lawsuit may be necessary to force the manufacturer of Grappling Hooks to take responsibility for the deaths.
Tom: GrappleHook the makers of the Grappling Hook were not available for comment on the matter. We did find an unnamed source that told us.. and I am quoting here.. "If Orcs can't figure out how to use a simple GrappleHook they might as well sue Mother Nature for having a hand in gravity!"
Theoden: [flips remote control] Off! Shut up you idiots!
(Idril)
Geraldo: That's the news. Goodnight Rohan, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Aragorn: I think the remote is broken.
TV: [news music... followed by loud peppy music]
Announcer: The following is a paid commercial program from Wormtongue Enterprises.
Slicky Male: Hi! Have you ever felt that life's challenges are just TOO hopeless?
Slicky Female: Have you ever felt like just riding off into battle against impossible odds?
Theoden: Where's the off button then?
Aragorn (shrug): I don't know anything about these foul electronic gadgets.
Slicky Male: Well don't let those blues make you do something foolish! Today we're going to tell you about a great new self-help program: "Go With The Flow"!!
Slicky Female: Yes! With this new program, you can learn 20 ways to help you mellow out and "Go With The Flow".
Slicky Male: So what if the forces of Evil are taking over Middle Earth? Why should you let that stress you out?
Theoden: ARRGGHH! Make it stop! Make it stop!!
Slicky Female: There are so many people that let anxiety...
Aragorn: 'Kay. (Hefts television and throws it out the window).
Theoden: If I survive this day I'm going to make a decree: No more television.
Aragorn: Good idea. Television rots your brain.
(Merithehobbit)
Theoden: I am going to gear up for death now!
Aragorn: Don't worry Theoden.. I will go with you.. although I am still unrealistically optimistic that I am going to survive this somehow... I think the sheer length of the book that the screenwriters use as reference indicates that we have more to do before we die.
Theoden: (sigh) That may be so.. but look what happened to Boromir.. he barely made it into the first chapter of this book...
Aragorn: Don't worry.. I think you are more important.. if they kill you off... it will be towards the end.. probably with some real exciting fighting and action shots too.. you'll see!
Theoden: Well, thanks Aragorn.. I guess.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Okay I'm back! As dawn approached Aragorn stood above the gate and looked out over the sea of Saruman's army, ignoring the enemy arrows. He held out his hand for a parley.
Orcs: Parley! Come down! If you want to parley come down! We want to tell you about the wonderful Shanarra series!
Aragorn: Oh please!
Orcs: Then Send out the King! We want to tell him about Shannara! If he doesn't come out we'll come in and fetch him!
Aragorn: The king reads what he will.
Orcs: Then why are you here? We are the Fighting Shanarra Fans!
Aragorn: I look to see the dawn.
Orcs (jeering): What of the dawn? Nothing will make us stop fighting to promote our favorite fantasy series. We do not stop for night or day, wind or storm! We will bore you by sun or moon! We are the Fighting Shanarra Fans!
Aragorn: None knows what will come with the dawn. Get gone before this day in MIDDLE EARTH turns to your evil.
Especially Ugly Orc (who will go unnamed): Shannara rules!!! Face it, TLOR Ain't the best fantasy series. Terry Brook's epic Shannara sagas are #1 in worldwide interest, in quality, in creativity, in all categories measured by independent surveys, book sales figures... you name it. TLOR has fallen behind other fantasy books too... it's time has indeed past!
Other Orcs: Parley's over dude! You're just showing off!
Aragorn: Oh... parley's over? Hey Legolas! (tosses him some ammo) Do me a favor?
Legolas: Sure thing! (loads AK, takes aim) [KAPOW! KAPOW!]
Especially Ugly Orc: AGGGHHH!!! That was tactless!!! [bleed bleed die]
Aragorn: [SNORK]
Legolas: Too clean a death, I say. We should'a got Gimli to bash him in the head with his axe. It'd be funny to watch him run around in circles.
Aragorn: [shrug] Oh there's a million of 'em. Maybe next time.
Odd Narrator: And as Aragorn stood there looking all fearless and royal, many of the wild Hillmen looked askance at their Brooks books and threw them down.... and many wondered why they'd listened to the words of the Shannara Fans of Isengard. But the orcs, being evil, stupid and disgusting creatures, just laughed and fired their arrows as Aragorn leapt down from the archway.
Aragorn and Legolas climbed down the wall into the outer court and dashed over to the area where Theoden and the men of the Hornburg were readying their horses.
[KABOOM]
Aragorn: Damn! I hate fighting wizards. Stupid blasting powder.
Theoden: Oh well... I was wondering how we were going to get the gate open.
Aragorn: Let's go.
Theoden: Hold up! Where's my Red Man?
Rider: Here, Sire.
Theoden (getting a big wad of weed out of a tin): Can't go on a sortie without a good chaw. Aragorn?
Aragorn: Sure thing! (gets a big wad) Legolas?
Legolas: Ummmm... I'll pass, thanks!
Theoden: Wlob taht nroh, syob!
Odd Narrator: Saruman's forces were delighted with their success in blasting down the gates and were preparing to charge... but their elation was short lived.
Various orcs WAY the back: [SCREAM SCREAM DIE]
Various orcs in the middle: [clamour! clamour!]
Orcs in the front: What?
Great Horn of Helm: BLARE! BLARE!
Echoes: BLARE! BLARE! BLARE! BLARE!
Hillmen: Stupid Shannara!!!
Riders: HELM! HELM! Helm si nesira dna semoc kcab ot raw!! HELM ROF THEODEN GNIK!!
More Echoes: BLARE! BLARE! BLARE! BLARE!
Orcs in the front: AHHH!! Too much pressure! <TWEAK!>
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: As the horns sounded in the early lightening of day King Theoden and his companions rode forth. Upon the top of the battlement huddled in their matching Mark Cloaks with small tokens indicating their status as War Correspondents at their shoulders, the two famous reporters Tom Tuffguy and Geraldo Iscareya peep over the top to watch the battle.
Geraldo: Tom, we are watching as the King and his company exit Helms deep.. it is just now dawn, and check out that Sunrise.
Tom: Wow, it is just so beautiful... look at the purple and yellow.. (sigh) where is the cameraman.. Oh. Get a shot of that, we'll use it later for weather..
Geraldo: Ahem, Tom.. we're live..
Tom: Oh.. heh, heh!
Geraldo: As you can see from our strategic location up here on the battlement we have a birdseye view of the action. There you see the King, Theoden, and he is riding his pure white horse.. look at the mane on that beast!
Tom: Oh yes.. Snowmane is of the purest and rarest of horses. He has been with the King for many years and is a valiant and brave steed. His rippling muscles and fiery spirit are a perfect match for nobility.
Geraldo: Yes.. the Rohan do have a way with their horses. But Snowmane is nothing to Shadowfax, who we don't yet know the fate of..
Tom: Yes, one never knows with wizards.. but Oh.. look at King Theoden's side is Aragorn.. the young upstart.. though political whisperings indicate he may yet be a power to be reckoned with in the land of Middle Earth. He is riding a great steed as well is he not Geraldo?
Geraldo: Yes this is a hardy, and more energetic band than earlier last night when they held back.. look at them pour out of the Helm.. a force to be reckoned with indeed..
Orcs: AAAAAAAHHH! Run.. run.. the big scary king who doesn't read Shannara has come!
Theoden: I come to kick @$%! Flee or die you disgusting band of interbred, diseased, ackempucky laden pond scum!
Orcs: AAAAAKKKK! The insults! The swords.. the SUN!
[sounds of fighting] Chink, swish, AAAAAAGGGH! OOOF, Chop.. Pffft.. slice... Hiii yaaa! OW! OOFF.. Chink, slash.. UUUGHGH!
Tom: It looks like the King had his Minute Maid this morning.. look at him just hack away.. EEEEEEW.. at those.. EEESHSH.. slimy....Oh.. I am going to hurl!
Geraldo: YES! Kick their disgusting.. Oh.. sorry.. I mean.. I am a little excited watching the action Tom..Tom... Are you OK?
Tom: Uh.. sure.. I am fine.. the fighting is intense ladies and gentlemen... the Orcs seem to be fleeing, and falling as the battle progresses.
Geraldo: Huh.. [holding earpiece and nodding]I was just.. Look.. over there. We have just had reports from below that the forest has moved.. actually encroached on Helms Deep. Yes we can see it clearly... the trees have definitely moved. How could this be.. I have never seen such amazing things...
Tom: That is because this is your first tour as a War Correspondent.. just wait.. things get amazing.
[sounds of fighting and great slaughter below] Pppfffft.. AAAAAAGGGH.. plop.. slice, chink, chink, chink...squiesish.. AAHGGH!
Geraldo: Here.. I hate to lose valuable air time.. but let's cut to our brave intern down on the front.. he may have more accurate news.
Wolf Slitzer: Yes Geraldo.. I am down here with the battle.. [cowering behind some fighting Rohan] and the action is very intense...WHOA.. [ducks] HEY! Sorry just nearly got chopped.. And it does look like the trees have moved.. yes.. definitely something strange is happening todaAAAY.. chink, chink, slice.. plop...EEEEEEWWWWWWWW! Sorry Geraldo.. I am going to have to book it out of here.. just got bled on! [running sounds] Oh.. I am up with some of the big shots.. uh. King.. King Theoden.. can I just ask you a question?
Theoden: WHAT THE... A reporter? Get your wimpy, white, draft dodging, hiney out of here or I will slice it off! [chop, slice, hack, spear.. ahhhhg... gush..plop]
Wolf Slitzer: HEY!
Theoden: Horses eat Hay! Someone get this guy out of here..[chop] before he becomes a bloody pulp...[slice...mash] and we get sued by the Network!
Rohan Rider: [picks up Wolf by scruff of neck and hauls him back to the safety of the inside of Helms Deep.. slicing Orcs as he goes] Slice, chop.. umffph.. hack.. bonk... hit.. bang!]
Wolf: Unfhfgh! This is Wolf.. aggggh I am being dragged.. WHOA watch out! Whew.. I am being hauled to safety by a very strong fighter.. who I am not going to argue with.. Ufffh! PPPFFFFT.. AAAAAKKK! Watch it.. Oh.. kill that guy.. HIM.. KILL HIM.... AAACK [chop] Oh.. whew.. you did that great!
Rohan Rider: Shut up you whiney.. [chop, slice.. hack]
Wolf: (SQUEAL!)
Rohan Rider: [chop.. decapitate orc.. which bleed, bleed dies] BWWAHHAHAHAHAA! You wimp.. don't you just love the smell of Orc blood in the morning?
Wolf: [Barfing, yacking,]
Rohan Rider: C'mon you weenie.. lets get you in with your mama! SNORK!
Wolf: [crying now] Back to you.. sniffle.. Geraldo.. whimper!
Tom: Uh.. thanks Wolf.. sounds bad down there.
Geraldo: Indeed, and we may have to talk lawsuits.. what is King Theoden thinking trying to infringe on our First Amendment Rights?
Tom: Geraldo you idiot.. we don't have rights! We live under a King.. in Middle Earth.
Geraldo: Well, OK... GO KING... You know... I am packing heat Tom... If I see Saruman I am going to set him in my sights with this sharpshooter, laser guided shooter thing.. an Elf gave me an extra one.. it really makes scary sounds!
Tom: OK... This is Tom Tuffguy reporting... we need a medic up here on the battlement... Geraldo seems to have forgotten his meds... lapsing into a Legolas like delusions on futuristic weaponry.
Medic: [yelling from below] Well, you're going to have to deal with his mental instability for a bit.. we are a little bit busy down here.. oh...tourniquet I need a tourniquet!