(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: The companions (that's what we're calling them now, right? Oh, it's so confusing! Well, it's the companions meaning Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf - oh and three horses, Shadowfax, Hasufel, and Arod. Whew . . .) rode on through sunset. Gandalf drove them so hard even Aragorn was stiff and weary when they finally rested.
Aragorn: Whew! Even I am stiff and weary!
Odd Narrator: They all slept except for Gandalf-
Legolas: Hey!
Odd Narrator: What now?
Legolas: But I'm an elf, elves aren't supposed to need sleep, I certainly didn't before, wasn't there something about resting my mind in the strange paths of elvish dreams even as I walk open-eyed in the light of this world?
Odd Narrator: No, no, it says right here: "Legolas slept with Gimli-
Gimli: WHAT?!!!
Odd Narrator: -beside him." Chill out, dude.
Legolas: Let me see that script- hang on a sec- HEY, that's not what it says, you just put that in there on purpose to make a joke!
Odd Narrator: Yeah, so? It's a parody, what did you expect, continuity? Pshaw. AS I WAS SAYING,
Gandalf, Hasufel, Arod, and Shadowfax: Aren't we in this scene too?
Odd Narrator: Will the characters PLEASE stop TALKING to the NARRATOR??!! I can't get anything done with you people!
Hasufel, Arod, and Shadowfax: And horses!
Anduril: And talkative inanimate objects!
Odd Narrator [plunges fingers in ears]: Theyhaltedforafewhours andthenrodeonswiftly underthecoldmoon thatwaswaxing andsinkinginthe cloudywest! Grrrrrr . . .
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: [hack] [hack] [cough] Could you all excuse me for a bit? I need to take a break.
Gandalf: Sure thing! We can make do. Ummmmm... let's see. Hey look, it's the dawn, sending it's red light over the Emyn Muil!
Shadowfax: Stopping here! Neigh!
Aragorn: Ummmm... Hey, that must be the Mountains of the South, there in... the South... and... ummm... lots of valleys. (shrug)
Gimli: Okay... I see lots of grass... and a hill at the mouth of that vale right in front of us.
Gandalf: And a glint of gold from the hilltop!
Legolas: I see a fence encircling the hill, and houses inside the fence. Let's see... then there's a terrace with a great hall. It's got a gold roof and gold doorposts...
Gandalf: Whew! That wasn't so hard!
Legolas: ... and men guarding the doors, with armor and pikes, and one is sneaking a bite of a sandwich... looks like a cheese sandwich. With... ummm... sorry, I can't tell if it's butter or mayo.
Gandalf: (rolls eyes) Then what good are you!
Legolas: (hmmmph) Just trying to be helpful.
Gandalf: Listen up, everybody. We're approaching Edoras. Theoden is king here. Do you think you all could try really hard to NOT piss him off?
Aragorn: I thought you did that already.
Gandalf: I never!
Shadowfax: Ahem.
Gandalf: Alright, so I did. Now could you all do me a huge favor and not exacerbate the situation?
Aragorn: Okay.
Gimli: We won't, at least until we figure out what exacerbate means.
Legolas: Okay, now I'm sure! It's a grilled cheese sandwich with pickles.
(Thranduilion)
Gandalf: Behold, how fair are the bright eyes in the grass! [squish]
Legolas, Arod, Aragorn, and Hasufel: Eeewwww!
Gandalf: Whoops. Ooh, and look, a bunch of dead kings!
Gimli and Shadowfax: [shudder]
Aragorn: Many long lives of men it is since the golden hall was built!
All: [silence]
Aragorn: Hence the mounds of dead kings . . .
Legolas: Oh, right, well, it was only five hundred years ago, you make it sound like it was centuries or something. Sheesh.
Gimli, Shadowfax, Aragorn, Hasufel, and Arod [glance at each other]: Immortals.
Aragorn: I'm going to start chanting in the local language now for no particular reason.
[chants]
Erehw won eht esroh dna eht redir? Erehw si eht nroh taht saw gniwolb?
Erehw si eht mleh dna eht krebuah, dna eht thgirb riah gniwolf?
Erehw si eht dnah no eht gnirtsprah, dna eht der erif gniwolg?
Erehw si eht gnirps dna eht tsevrah dna eht llat nroc gniworg?
Yeht evah dessap ekil niar no eht niatnuom, ekil a dniw ni eht wodaem,
Eht syad evah enog nwod ni eht Tsew dniheb eht sllih otni wodahs.
Ohw llahs rehtag eht ekoms fo eht daed doow gninrub,
Ro dloheb eht gniwolf sraey morf eht Aes gninruter?
[pause]
Gandalf: Ah, well do I understand you, Ranger of the North, for I am of course fluent in over six million forms of communication . . .
Shadowfax: [SNORK]
Gandalf: . . . but might you interpret that for our less knowledgeable companions?
Others: [glare]
Aragorn: Nah.
Gimli: Behold, for we approach the gates of Edoras!
Legolas: And hark, for the men in bright mail spring to their feet and speak to us in their own strange tongue!
First man in bright mail: Yats, sregnarts ereh nwonknu! Ohw era uoy dna od uoy evah yna selkcip?
Gandalf: Well do I understand you strangers, for I am fluent in over six million forms of communic-
First man in bright mail: Rrrrrrrrg . . .
Gandalf: Sey, llew, ew era ruof snoinapmoc, na fle, a frawd, a nam, dna em, a draziw!
Man in bright mail: You didn't answer my second question.
Legolas: No, we don't have any pickles.
All the men in bright mail [PSAG]: Eht fle skaeps ruo eugnot!
First man in bright mail: Whatever, you pass the test. Now- HEY, what the f***?! IS that SHADOWFAX?!
All the men in bright mail: [PSAG]
Shadowfax: Um, er, hi guys!
First man in bright mail: You are thieves and wizards and you are not welcome here!
Aragorn: But we came to-
FMIBM: Sh!
Aragorn: I'm just sayi-
FMIBM: Sh!
Gimli: WE CAME TO RETURN YOUR HORSES, DIMWITS!
FMIBM: Ho. Thgir. Well in any case you can't come in because Wormtongue said so.
Gandalf: Wormtongue said so?
Second Man in Bright Mail: [whisperwhisperwhisper]
FMIBM: Oh, I mean, King Theoden has decreed that no stranger shall pass the gate!
Gandalf: [POOF!]
FMIBM [looks behind him and sees that his companions have become green toads hopping around on the ground.]: Oh. Right then, to Theoden we go! Follow me.
(BunnieBugs)
Concise Narrator: The gates opened and the companions followed their guide a long way to a stairway to a platform where there were more guards.
FMIBM: There are the doors. Gotta go!
[The travellers climb the long stair to the platform.]
Guards: Liah, sremoc morf rafa!
Gimil: Man, that is really starting to hurt my ears!
Guard: I'm Hama, Doorward of Theoden. Ya'll can go in, but your weapons cain't.
Legolas: You mean...
Hama: Yup. Hand over yer weapons. All y'all.
Legolas: [clutching his AK47 protectively] Alas, my darling, I fear we must part for a time.
AK: Oh, say it isn't so!
Legolas: Fear not, my love, I shall return anon.
AK: All right. I'll be waiting... What's an "anon?"
Legolas: Never mind. (to Hama) Take extremely good care of her. She's temperamental, and doesn't like being handled. So keep your grubby paws off, or you're likely to come away with nothing but bloody stumps where your hands used to be.
AK: Oooh, I love it when you talk tough!
Hama: No one'll touch it, I promise.
AK: "It?!" Hmph!
[Aragorn stands uncertainly, fidgeting.]
Anduril: Oh, now wait... Surely you're not considering...
Aragorn: Sh! I'm thinking.
Anduril: No! You can't leave me with that... that...
Aragorn: Just wait! I'll try to reason with him. (to Hama) Um, I wanna take my sword in.
Anduril: Oh, way to convince him!
Aragorn: Shut up!
Hama: Huh?
Aragorn: Oh, sorry. I'm not comfortable leaving Anduril in another's hands.
Hama: Tough. Ya gotta.
Aragorn: Do not!
Hama: Do too!
Aragorn: Do not!
Gandalf: This is idle talk. Face it, Theoden's going to have his own way, like it or not.
Aragorn: But, but... (whines) This is Anduril!
Hama: Look, buddy, I don't care if it's Dolly-stinkin'-Parton! It ain't goin' in thar!
Gimli: I'll help you out, Aragorn! [fingers the blade of his axe] Ouch! Damn! Hold on... Medic!
[Medic rushes in from off-set.]
Gimli: Can you stop the flow of blood?
Medic: Um, it's barely more than a paper-cut...
Gimli: Ow! Oh... something for the pain! Please!
Medic: How 'bout a band-aid?
Gimli: Okay. Oooh! Got any with the X-Men?
Medic: Sorry. Just the tan ones.
Gimli: Oh. *sigh*
PJ: Alright! Clear the set!
Gandalf: Come, come! We're all friends here!
Hama: Well, I only just met all y'all...
Gandalf: No, no. I mean we have a common enemy in Mordor. Here. Here is Glamdring, my sword.
Glamdring: Huh? What? [GLOW]
Gandalf: Not now! You shouldn't be sleeping during filming!
Glamdring: (sheepishly) Sorry...
Aragorn: Well... Alright, then. If it's got Glamdring for company, I guess it's okay.
Anduril: Oh, maaann!
Aragorn: But anyone who touches it is a dead man!
Anduril: Finally, a little backbone.
Gimli: I suppose there's nothing for it, but... (lays his axe on the floor)
Hama: Thank ya'll very kindly. Next?
[Blank stares all around]
Hama: C'mon, old man. The staff, too.
Gandalf: Surely you jest!
Hama: Don't call me Shirley. Just hand it over.
Aragorn: How do you know that he won't crumble into a decrepit heap without it? I mean... Look at him!
Gandalf: Hey!
Hama: Weeelll, I s'pose you're right. Ya'll ain't evil or nuthin', are ya?
All: No.
Hama: Alrighty, then. Go on in.
(merithehobbit)
Descriptive Narrator: The guards lifted the heavy bars of the doors and swung them back slowly inwards grumbling on thier great hinges. The travellers enter..
Attorney: Hey!
DN: What?
Attorney: THAT IS PLAGERISM! You can't just copy what Tolkien wrote in the book!
DN: Why not.. it is VERY Descriptive...
Attorney: Well this is a parody.. so stop it!
DN: Make me!
Attorney: [runs over and grabs the AK 47]
AK: Cool! Action at last!
DN: Whoa.. I am outta here.. this is NOT in the contract! [bolts out the door]
Odd Narrator: (sigh) back again.. old trusty Odd Narrator.. ahem.. put away your weapon!
Attorney: Ok.. just don't copy Kay?
Odd Narrator: Ahem.. So the travelers walked in to the hall of Theoden.. yada yada yada... there was all this glittering stuff, and pictures and things that reflect a lot of history...
(ArwenfromRome)
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: As the door opens, and our Fellows enter Theoden's hall, Eowyn is standing, not seen in the dim light, in the back of Theoden's throne. She scans the Four, while their eyes don't notice at first far more than shadows in the darkness ... what an advantage, she thinks!
Eowyn (thinking): Hmmm ... by Iluvatar and all Ainur, where on Earth have such cool dudes been hidden so far? The blond one is a cutie, and the brunette must be amazing ... I mean after getting those tons of mud away!!! M'lady, never again in a lifetime will doom bring men like these to your very home ... it's now or never!!! Must do something quickly!!! #1: emergency make-up !
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: While thinking so, she disappears behind the throne.
[RATTLE RATTLE here it is ... blush ... RATTLE RATTLE ... long lasting lip gloss ... RATTLE RATTLE waterproof mascara ... RATTLE RATTLE ... mirror mirror tell me now, who's the sexiest of Rohan??? ... GO ME!!!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: And then the travelers stopped because they saw a shriveled old man with a chick at his side.. and a snake at his feet.
(Idril)
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: Ahem.
Odd Narrator: What?
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: A "chick"?
Odd Narrator (rolls eyes): Alright, whatever... And then the travelers stopped because they saw a shriveled old man with a lovely young woman at his side and a snake at his feet.
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: That's better.
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: Hail Theoden son of Thengel!
Theoden: What? Hail! Not another Hail storm! Oh.. just Gandalf...Trouble follows you like Hail.. or crows.. birds.. uh.. what was I saying?
Chick (aka Eowyn): [whisper, whisper]
Theoden: OH.. yes.. I was really glad when Shadowfax came back without you... and then I heard you died.. what is with that? We just published the obituary and here you are.. is this an insurance scam or what? Every time you come you bring bad news.. why should I welcome you Gandalf Hailstormcrow?
Snake (aka Wormtongue): Oh.. good one King Theoden... Gandalf is such a jerk.. he always causes trouble.. Pippinspell I should call you.. causing trouble.. what kind of guest is that?
Gandalf: I see you have been keeping busy Wormtongue.. supporting your master.. by becoming a crutch...and how on earth doesn't the entire viewing audience not know what a slime you are by now.. with a name like Wormtongue..
Wormtongue: Hey..
Gandalf: Just kidding.. well I may bring bad tidings all the time, but at least I am willing to help out now and then.
Wormtongue: PSHAAAAW! Yeah right.. what? Did you bring an army... lotsa armor out there? Yeah.. didn't think so.. just you raggedy four and you the grubbiest of them all.
Gandalf: Hey.. Theoden.. when did you get such rude sidekicks? I'll have you know that this is a brand new robe, and these friends of mine parked the best weapons in the land at your door, and are dressed in grey.. for camouflage.. gifts from Elves..
Wormtongue: AH HA! I knew it.. you are in league with the Scarlet Pimpernel! [smirk]
Gandalf: Whaaat? Hey.. that was my line 20 years ago...
Wormtongue: [beaming] Sorry, couldn't resist.. can I have your autograph later.
Gandalf: Uh.. sure.. just... keep to the script.
Wormtongue: Oh. sorry... ahem. It is true you are in league with the Sorceress of the Golden Wood?
Gimli: GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Legolas: Oh man.. everyone back away.. he just ticked off Gimli!
Gimli: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
(Russ)
[Gimli takes a menacing step toward Grima]
Gimli: [MENACE]
Gandalf: [grabs Gimli by the shoulder and stops him in his tracks, then begins to sing]
Loth-lorien is a nice enough place,
If you're an Elf, A Dwarf or a King.
But few indeed are the mortal men's eyeballs,
Who've seen it's weird kind of light.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you!
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
Galadriel is a friend of mine,
and though I've known her for thousands of years,
Gimli here, scored in just a few days,
I could hang him up by his ears,
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
She's once, twice, three times an Eldar, and we love you.
Dick Clark Narrator: And so Aragorn, How did you like Gandalf's little song?
Aragorn: Well, it wasn't too bad as parodies go, but Russ was kind of stretching a bit for the lyrics, I give it a 4.
Dick Clark Narrator: How about you Legolas?
Legolas: Well, it was a little slow for my taste, but if you're with that someone special, it could really set the mood, I give it a 6.
Dick Clark Narrator: Well there you have it, don't forget to watch me on my Rockin' New Years eve special! Now Back to our story.
[room goes dark save for Gandalf who is holding a flashlight under his chin]
Gandalf: OOOGA BOOOOOGAHHHH!
[whacks Wormtongue on head with staff]
Wormtongue: Ow! [collapses] I told you not to let him bring his staff in here!
Gandalf: Sit down and shut up you worm! [CRACK-BANG!]
Wormtongue: Ribbit-ribbit-ribbit
Aragorn: Again with the frogs Gandalf?
Gandalf: I SAID WORMtongue!
[CRACK-BANG-FLASH!]
Wormtongue: -----------------
Gandalf: Close enough. Now Theoden, son of Thengel, will you hearken to me? Do you ask for help? Can you spell Mississippi without any i's? Are you just gonna sit there and brood or are you going to move that lazy but of yours and take a step outside? Arise Lord of the mark, your sins are forgiven you!
Theoden: I can walk!
Gandalf: Theoden COME FORTH!
Legolas: It's a miracle!
[applause, Gandalf removes his hat and bows]
(ArwenfromRome and Idril)
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: As the doors swing open and light fills the room, the lovely Eowyn holds Theoden by the arm as he walks unsteadily toward the door.
Eowyn (thinking): Now #2: must get these dudes out of here and have a talk in front of a drink ... well maybe they should get a wash first!
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: And suddenly she is illuminated in the bright light of the morning, a tall figure shining in her moonlight dress, with golden hair all over her shoulders, and a sweet fragrance spreading all around.
(Russ)
Gandalf: Hey there sweet thing, why don't you leave the old guy to me, while you go and slip into something a little more comfortable?
(ArwenFromRome)
Eowyn: [Rolling her eyes] You are somehow right, Master Wizard ... [she says in a low, sexy voice] but, Daddy dear, you have to stop discussing with those gentlemen ... you’re old, tired, your pressure will kill you if you get angry ... and you, Wormtongue, just cut it short now!!! Is this the way to deal with guests? Daddy, you shall rest now while I'll walk our guests out of here ...
[Then, turning to the others]
Eowyn: You must be tired, Gentlemen ... I guess you would appreciate a hot shower and a fresh drink ... I’ll have rooms and facilities arranged for you in a moment!
Will you be my guests?
Legolas: My thankful thought comes to thee, my sweet and careful host; as you can see, though, my shiny complexion & silky hair need not any extra care!
As for the drinks, yes, I’d love to have one, provided it's sugar-free ... you know, summer approaches and calories must be kept under control!!!
Kidding. We'll get it later on, anyway ... the three of us now really have to go shopping ...
Serious Strawberry Bubble Bath shortage reported, and I don't think we'll get to have more shopping from here to Mordor!
So I'm afraid we have to go ... DON'T WE, Aragorn?
Aragorn: Ehm ... well ... yes ...
I’m afraid a hot shower and a drink just exceed my expectations of resting, M’lady ... it's not that I wouldn't take it , but we’re actually very busy in the war against evil, and evil does not sleep [I think I’ve heard this before...].
Therefore, I am afraid I must decline your kind invitation ...
Unfortunately, we don’t have time enough for such pleasant entertainments.
Just a quick supply of really needed goods, like strawberry bubble bath ... you know ... we never go through the wild without it!
Thank you very much, indeed, my princess
*sob*
... maybe next time.
Eowyn: ... maybe ... next ... time ...
(Russ)
[Catching Aragorn's eye, Eowyn slips her finger in her mouth and slowly, tantalizingly, runs it down her chin to her cleavage. She gives Aragorn the "Naughty Girl" smile and exits]
Aragorn: HUBBA-HUBBA and OWOOOOOOOOGAH!
Legolas: Down boy, you're engaged.
Aragorn: Engaged yes, dead, no.
Gimli: Dude, go for it! You want it, she want's it, it's win-win!
Aragorn: Wise are the folk of the lonely mountains!
Legolas: And severed is the head of the Dunadain that cheats on Arwen.
Aragorn: Well there is that.
Gimli: Aw come on! Are you whipped already? Why I bet you haven't even. . .
Gandalf: [From outside] Yes he has, and no he isn't! Now be quiet! Cut to me in three, three, two, one, and . . .[cut to Gandalf and Theoden]
Gandalf: Now Lord, look upon your land, breathe the free air again!
Theoden: It's cold out here. I wanna go back inside.
Gandalf: Now cast aside your prop! [kicks cane out from Theoden's hand, Theoden's arms cartwheel frantically.]
Theoden: HEY! {falls]
Gandalf: Oops! Perhaps I was a bit hasty.
Theoden: My hip! I think it's broken! Why are you doing this to me!
Gandalf: [to legolas, Aragorn and Gimli] A little help!
[the three rush over]
Aragorn: What's the problem?
Theoden: (on three everyone, one...two... three) I've fallen and I can't get up!
Gandalf: Pick him up! There, that's it, careful with that hip, he's going to be riding later.
Theoden: RIDING?!? Somebody help me please!
Gandalf: Oh quit whining, you'll be fine.
Theoden: HELP!!!!
Gandalf: Aragorn, would you mind?
Aragorn: No problem. [claps hands together loudly, then rubs them briskly together] Sit tight there king, I'll have ya fixed up in no time! [clamps Theoden's hip in a death-like grip]
Theoden: YeeeeeeeeeeeeeOwww.......oh. My, that IS better. Can you do my neck?
Aragorn: Sure.
[later]
Theoden: And now my lower back, yes that's it ooooh! You are good!
Gandalf: Are you quite through yet?
Theoden: Well, I'm through for now by cracky! But don't you go off a-wanderin' young feller, I got a whole passel o' aches and pains fer ya work on! Woooo Doggies! I feel good! S**t fire Gandalf, if I'd a know'd this was how things was gonna turn out, I'd have had you back a long time ago I tell you what!
Gandalf: What?
Theoden: What?
Gandalf: You said what?
Theoden: Said what what?
Gandalf: You JUST said. . .Oh, nevermind, just get Eomer up here! Or am I mistaken that you locked him up in the Dungeon?
Theoden: Well, he said he was gonna kill Grima.
Gandalf: And. . .
Theoden: That's it! Con-sarn it Gandalf! I can't have folks just a runnin' around killin' folk in me own damn Halls! Why it just 'taint proper manners t'all.
Gandalf: Just do it.
Theoden: Oh alright! Send Hama off t' fetch him up, he's another'n that's got some explainin' t'do!
Narrator du jour: And so as Hama went off in search of Eomer, Theoden looked at Gandalf and smiled, and when he did, Gandalf wondered if the fine and noble folk of Rohan had ever heard of dentistry, or at least some primitive form of oral hygiene, although he deeply doubted it.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Gandalf leads Theoden to his seat and sits before Theoden on a stone step.
Gandalf: EEK! That's cold. [adjusts robes] There's no time to tell you, so I won't. Maybe have a chinwag later. Lean a bit closer, this is secret. [whisper, whisper, whisper] ...... VERILY!!!
Theoden: Argh, you nearly gave me a heart attack.
Gandalf: Hee, hee. Sorry. Don't croak yet. We have need of you. Look East. Doom dangles on a yo-yo.
Theoden: Doom doth indeed dangle, but I cannot fight. Aragorn has not yet fixed my poor old hands.
Gandalf: A sword would fix your hands.
Theoden: Yeah? And a fist would fix your mouth.
Odd Narrator: Eomer arrives in just his underpants, carrying a sword.
Eomer: Take this. DEAR LORD! Have you been at the vitamins? You look so much younger.
Theoden: Oooh, do I? Okay, I'll take the sword.
Odd Narrator: Theoden swings the sword around wildly.
Eomer: Hey, watch out! At least wait till I get some armor on.
Theoden: [starts to dance around and recite battle cry]
Get up, jump up, Riders of Theoden
Get down, boogie, out in the garden
Bring on the horses, let's all a'go-go
Where? who cares, just look out for the yo-yo
(pippin1986)
Odd Narrator: The gaurds who were standing out by the gate stood listening while the two old men talked and sang. They were greatly confused, and began to talk among themselves.
Moeith: What dost the old grey Stornraisin say to the king?
Larryith: Stormraisin? Do you mean Stormraven?
Moeith: Stormraven? What? : : bonks Larryith on head with hilt of sword: :
Curleywen: I think it was 'Stormcrow' actually. : : nyuck nyuck nyuck: :
Moeith: You too eh? I'm the one who's right! His name is Stormcrow. You dim-wits always get his name wrong!
Larryith: What're they doin' now in there? Looks like Stormcrow's whispering into Theoden's ear. What's he saying? Curleywen, go see if you can get closer! : : grabs Curleywen by the ear and pulls him closer to the door, then kicks him in: :
Curleywen: : : sneaks over closer to the cold stone spot, making a lot of noise, but since Theoden is dancing and singing about yo-yo's he doesn't notice Curleywen.: : Nyuck nyuck nyck.
Moeith: : : whipering: : Curleywen, what're they sayin'?
Curleywen: ummm they say to boogie and get some horses.
Larryith: Boogie? Okay man. If ya say so. : : boogies: :
Moeith: : : glares at Larryith: : WHAT ELSE are they sayin'?
Curleywen: : : staring at Eowyn: : oooooooooo
Moeith: : : glares: : I guess i'll have to do this myself. I have to do everything myself! : : pulls Larryith by his hair to the door and shoves him in to find out what's going on: :
Larryith: : : stares at Eowyn: : Hey baby. Got any plans for tonight?
Theoden: ArrgghHH! Gandalf, can you please do something about these guards of mine? They are getting most annoying.
Gandalf: Nope.
Theoden: Why not?
Gandalf: I have a better use for them, to teach them not to listen in on other peoples conversations....
[Later on: Moeith, Larryith and Curleywen are massaging Gandalf's feet....and combing Gandalf's beard...and polishing Gandalf's pipe....Gandalf is quite happy. ]
(merithehobbit)
Theoden: Alrighty then... I am feeling spiffy and ready to kick some orc $#@... where is my own sword.. this is yours Eomer!
Eomer: [takes sword] Thanks.. here is yours.. [holding Wormtongue by the scruff of the neck] Grima here had it hidden.
(Idril)
Gandalf: I thought I turned you into a worm!
Wormtongue: I got better!
(merithehobbit)
Eomer: He was a ninny about letting me bring your sword back to you, Sire.
Wormtongue: Did not.. you liar.
Eomer: Did too.. slime!
Wormtongue: My master himself gave it to me for keeping.
Eomer: CHHEAAW! Right!
Theoden: Well, it may be true.. for a time there I was kind of in an anti-weapons campaign... If there are no sharp things about, no little kids would get cut.. good theory.. didn't work. They just kept finding things to hurt themselves with!
Wormtongue: See? [sticks out his tongue at Eomer] He didn't want his weapons about.. doesn't need them.
Theoden: But I need them now.
Eomer: [hands over Herugrim... Theoden's sword]
Herugrim: AAAAAAHHHHH! The light is BRIGHT!
Theoden: Oh.. brother.. I forgot about your sensitivity..... what a baby... shhh.
Wormtongue: Lord, you know I love thee.. rest... you can't have sharp things about.. it isn't good for you uh...what about those "senior moments" you have been having.
Theoden: I am not that old.. barely qualify for the senior discounts! You have been the deceiver here... We will eat and get ready for battle... and we are out of here! And you Grima are coming along for the ride.
Wormtongue: Dear Lord! You are bewitched!
Gandalf: No that was a TV show.
Wormtongue: Uh.. well, Lord, you are looking rather buff now.. why don't you and all your men just go off and fight, and I will stay here.. keep an eye on everything.. since I know how to run everything... heh... heh.. [looking around...softly] heh?
Eomer: [laughing] Oh CHEEAAW.. like we are going to let you stay here! [glare]
Gandalf: Eomer, you don't truly know what a slime Grima is... he plays a very dangerous game...[holds up staff] Down you snake [Grima falls to ground... groaning] wasting our time, biding his time.. waiting to get his hands on the treasure when all are dead.. and on a certain woman he desires. Too long you have been watching her... stealing her underwear!
Eowyn: EEEEEEEEEEWWW! YOU PERVERT!
Eomer: [grabs sword] I knew that! I knew it... making eyes at my sister.. I am gonna kick your slimy....
Gandalf: Not in here Eomer.. Eowyn is safe...at least from Grima.. he is now and forever more.. A Eunuch!
(Idril and merithehobbit)
Wormtongue: Please, Mister Gandalf sir, don't hurt me. Don't turn me into anythin' --unnatural. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Lorellin71450158)
Special Guest Narrator from the Burping Troll: The First Aid and Medical Team rushes onto scene in next cut from filming clutching copious amounts of bandages, and large bottle of Troll Oil (for those of a sensitive disposition this is not made from rendered down trolls. It is merely the name given to a special potion imported from The burping Troll, made from a nasal decongestant/creosote mixture).
Medic: What seems to be the problem?
Wormtongue: Eunuch??
Medic: Ahh... I think I'd prefer not to go there (to coin a phrase). What's that? The camera man has hiccups?? Sorry must dash. Emergency hiccup situation requires my immediate attention.
(Russ)
Gandalf: Oh Grima, don't be a cry-baby. It's not like you were ever going to have a chance to do anything with it anyway. See Theoden, here is a wussie to be sure, yet it was a man once, and serviced you after it's fashion.
Theoden: Um, choice of words Gandalf.
Gandalf: Oops, sorry Sire. anyhoo, you can't kill him, and you can't leave him here.
Theoden: Why cain't we kill him?
Gandalf: He may yet have some small part to play and not even the wise. . .
Everyone: SEE ALL ENDS!
Gandalf: Okay, okay,I get it. here's the deal, we give him a horse. If he stays here, we kill him, if he goes with us to fight we hope the orcs kill him and if not, we still kill him. Or he can go back to his master and we can hope for some kind of ironic-poetic justice kind of thing. By his own choice shall he be judged.
Theoden: Righty-o. Y'all heard the Wizard boy, what say you?
Grima: Well, let me see, hmmm, If I stay, I die. If I go with you, I die. I think I'll go with what's behind door number three if it's all the same to you. Excuse me now while I spit on the floor, p-tew! And now I must take my leave of you all, farewell and adieu!
[exit Grima]
Theoden: [to guards] Well, Go on! Git after 'im dadgummit! And if that rascal tries to put a hurtin' on anyone, cut off his b...nevermind, Gandalf already took care of that. Jest make dang sure he don't become a botherayshun to nobody! And somebody git in h'yar t'clean up this here mess. No, not one o you guard fellers, git Eoynn, this here's womans work! As fer th'rest of us, let's go get some vittles!
(merithehobbit)
Narrator du jour: So the Theoden the King, Eomer, and their guests sat down for dinner with Eowyn waiting upon them.
Eowyn: [muttering to self] Sheesh.. women get such sucky roles these days... [to men] Hello, I am Eowyn [writes name on paper table cover, upside down and backwards]
Aragorn: How does she do that?
Eowyn: [flutters her eyes]I will be your waitress today.. we have hunk of ham, some smoked turkey.. a bunch of bread and butter, and some cheese.. oh and ale.
Legolas: No caviar?
Eowyn: No..
Legolas: Just kidding.. never had it!
Eowyn: Humph..[thinking: I have to get him away from Aragorn.. such a fuddy duddy.. like his chaperone... glare
Narrator du jour: So they ate, and talked of the things that happened that day.. and then it was time for dress-up.
Gimli: DRESS UP! Dwarves do not play DRESS UP!
Legolas: OOOOOOH! I love dress up! Do you have anything in a blue chiffon?
Aragorn: Check out these shiny duds! [walks about in new armor] Makes me look Kingly.. eh?
Gandalf: Well, that is probably because it was Theoden's before he hit puberty...
Aragorn: [downcast] Oh..
Gandalf: Don't worry.. You look clean anyway.
Legolas: Oh.. I like how this one sets off my eyes.. shiny... way cool!
Gimli: I don't need armor.. I have armor.. not that any of it would fit anyway.. big oafs...
Legolas: Ohhhh.. Gimli.. my buddy, my pal... at least try on this cool cap! [puts it on Gimli's head] Ohhh. I knew it would fit your round head! [giggle] This is so fun! Here.. take this shield.. it matches the hat better.. yes! You look FINE!
Gimli: Well, [blush] Leggy.. I....You look very nice too.
Legolas: Don't I just? I am so ready.. and look how this stripe here just goes perfect with AK!
Narrator du jour: So the group and just about every guy in the city got all ready and shined up their armor for the battle.
Theoden: Oh.. I just thought of something.. who are we going to leave in charge of the Kingdom?
Which of you will stay?
Gandalf: Not I.
Eomer: Not I.
Gimli: Not I.
Theoden: Well.. none of you men I want to leave here anyway.. need a good protective layer around me.. hmmmm
Hama: Eowyn isn't here.. let's choose her to be in charge.
Theoden: Sounds good.. Eowyn.. [calling] Eowyn...
Eowyn: Hey.. I was here all along you doofus!
Theoden: I am leaving you in charge of the Eorlingas.. while I and Eomer my heir are out killing and stuff.
Eowyn: I heard you the first time! Dammit.. why do I have to stay home?
Theoden: Cause you're a girl!
Eowyn: I always have to do girl stuff.. uh.. I mean.. It will seem a year for every day you are gone.. [muttering] Men!..take all the fun jobs...Now I will have to do all the hard work here while they are gone...always the real work falls to the women.. they just don't want to have to round up the refugees and haul all the food and supplies up the hill in to the mountains... mutter, mutter... I better make a list of things to do.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: As they left and headed off for battle and great deeds, Aragorn turned and looked back upstairs. Eowyn he saw there, standing alone in the doorway and clad in nought but what she was born with. Her creamy alabaster skin shone in the sun and beckoned unto him. In her hands, held upright, was a device, oddly shaped, yet somehow not entirely unfamiliar to Aragorn. Then. . .
[[[[[CENSORED]]]]]
Legolas: How come you're sweating big Fella?
Gimli: Yeah, and your face is as red as a Balrog's butt. What gives?
Aragorn: Huh? Oh, nuthin. Hey, what was Frodo's uncle's name again?
Legolas: You mean Bilbo?
Aragorn: Yeah, Now why would I think of. . .OH! NOW I remember!
Gimli: [suspiciously] Remember what?
Aragorn: Nevermind. Let's just go. NOW!
Gimli: I'm going. I just wish we could go on foot. I hate riding with Gandalf! The arm of the enemy this, the hour of doom that, screw the flowery speech, I just wanna go kill something! Besides, fighting from horseback does not suit my style!
Legolas: Nor your backside I'll wager! Just be carefull where you swing that thing.
Odd Narrator: At the gate they found a great host of men, tens of thousands there were, young and old, gay and straight, all sat ready in their saddles.
Eomer: Yo Shorty!
Gimli: (mutters half aloud) suckersayswhat?
Eomer: What?
Gimli: Hail and well met!
Eomer: So whaddy say? Bygones? Ride with me to the barbeque and well talk, get to know each other.
Gimli: Barbeque?
Gandalf: Gimli, ixnay noay hetay attlebay! (gives Gimli "knowing" look)
Gimli: Gotcha. What the hell Eomer, but first one thing if you want me to forget my wrath.
Eomer: Name it!
Gimli: Pull my finger. . .
[later]
Theoden: OH WHAT A WICKED AND FELL DAY! So many have fallen, there are now but little more than a thousand men able to fight!
Gandalf: For sooth! Tis an ill omen to be sure! Yet see how the black crow flies and the lilly of the valley toils not!
Theoden: Pardon?
Eomer: Did Shadowfax survive?
Gandalf: See! He comes! Wisest of Horses, he was up wind!
[Shadowfax runs up and Gandalf leaps upon his back, tosses aside his grey cloak]
Aragorn: BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY WHITEY!
[Gandalf spurs shadowfax and his robes whip up in the breeze]
Gimli: Well, one things for sure.
Eomer: What's that?
Gimli: He's not Jewish
Host of Rohan: Our King and the Mighty Whitey! Hi-ho Eorlingas, AWAY!
[Off they ride with Gandalf and Theoden in the lead. Cut to Eowyn looking out of a window as they depart, still holding the "object" in her hands.]
Eowyn: Oh well, looks like it you and me again tonight! -sigh-