(Thranduilion)
Concise narrator: They woke up. Gimli started talking. The others glared at him. He stopped and they ate. Then they searched for hobbits. They talked at the same time.
Gimli: My very bones are chilled! [flaps arms]
Continuity girl: Not you, too!
Legolas: I think those are just arms, not wings. It's okay.
Continuity girl: Oh, okay then. [wanders off]
Gimli: Aragorn, can you see any sign of that old man?
Aragorn: What old man?
Gimli: The one we saw last night-
Legolas: Tall, robed, hat-wearing-
Aragorn [scans ground quickly]: Nope, no sign!
Gimli: You didn't even look!
Aragorn: Did too!
Gimli: Did not!
Aragorn: Did too!
Gimli: Did not!
Aragorn: Don't question my authority. Did too!
Gimli: Did not!
Aragorn: Did too!
Legolas: Did not!
Aragorn: What do you know about it?
Legolas: Whatever.
Gimli: What about the horses?
Aragorn: I don't think they were scared away last night-
Legolas [interrupting]: -sounded to me like they were greeting an old friend. I distinctly heard hoof-high-fives and something that sounded very much like "Yo, SF, what's chillin, my bruthah!"
Gimli: SF?
Aragorn: If you say so.
Legolas: I have spent the night trying to read this riddle, but that is hard to do in the dark. Oh, look, a mallorn-leaf!
Aragorn: I'm supposed to find that!
Legolas: Oh, right, here you are then.
Aragorn [strikes a dramatic pose]: Behold, for at last we find news! Here is a mallorn-leaf of Lorien, upon whose surface I see crumbs. And see! Cut pieces of cord lie here on the eaves of the wood!
Gimli: Yeah, and blah blah blah, here's the knife that cut them, it's an orc weapon, blah blah-oh, eeeww! The handle is carved like the head of a dirty old man with leering eyes and a slobbering mouth!
Legolas: Another riddle to read! [ponders] Let's see, there's cords, a knife, a mallorn leaf, and some castaway makeup applicators, all very near where the battle was fought. I know! A little bird flew down, gnawed away the cords on the hobbits' legs, pooped in the eyes of their guard so they could run over here, where they found the knife lying on the ground and freed their hands, and . . . the bird made them give him a cake of lembas as payment for his services-
[Gimli and Aragorn glance at each other.]
Gimli: What about the makeup applicators?
Legolas: (continuing as if he has not heard) -because obviously Pippin wasn't the one who ate the lembas, or there wouldn't be any crumbs left, or even the mallorn leaf for that matter.
Aragorn: And I suppose Pippin ate the bird, then?
Legolas: Naturally.
Gimli: Say Aragorn, what say you to the loopyness- that is, reading, of Legolas?
(merithehobbit)
Aragorn: Legolas? Have you been taking your medication like I told you?
Legolas: Uhh.. well.. no.. they make me sleepy! And I was feeling better!
Aragorn: Legolas! You have to take your meds all the time... and normal people sleep at night!
Gimli: Uh.. aren't we supposed to be unraveling the riddle here?
Aragorn: Huh? Oh. yea.. Oh let's see. Hmmmmm. Let's see blood over here, makeup applicators here... knife there.. lembas crumbs.. OK.. I got it.
[strikes a pose] Merry and Pippin were captured by the Orcs!
Gimli: Duh!
Aragorn: AND... then were carried here [points down] by one of their captors...probably during the struggle! You know Orcs are not to be trusted and so Saruman wouldn't have told them what he wanted. AND if the Orcs just knew he wanted hobbits they would have tried to spirit them away from the battle at all costs... AND seeing that blood pool over there, and the makeup applicators... someone got cut, and had to cover it up with makeup!
Legolas: CHEEAAWW Right! Who would take time during a battle to put makeup on?
Gimli: What about the lembas.. surely if Pippin was around we would see no crumbs or leaf?
Legolas: Who would stop during flight to eat Lembas?
Aragorn & Gimli: [stare at Legolas]
Legolas: Oh.. you're right.. a hobbit would do that sort of thing!
Aragorn: It must have been night time... then the crumbs may have fallen and being elven blended into their cloaks and the night...
Legolas: Truly you have a dizzying intellect... looks like they got away.. should we look for them sometime this year or keep thinking about it?
Aragorn: You're right.. let's go hunt some hobbit!
Anal Narrator: So the trio headed towards Fangorn even though Gimli was nervous and made comments about his anxiety.
Gimli: Hey..
Aragorn: Oooohh.. lookie here. [Aragorn motions for the others to come to the bank of the Entwash] Look. Footprints, they head into Fangorn.. they are alive!
Legolas: I think we already ascertained that!
Gimli: Okay.. now I am getting nervous... look how scary the trees are..
Oak: Get a load of this trio!
Chestnut: PPSSHAAAWAWW! Do you think they could smell a little worse.. the whiff of wind is putrid!
Aspen #1: Well, if you ask me that elf is FINE... look at his bod!
Aspen #2: Oh my g..... do you know who that is?
Aspen #3: NO WAY! [giggle] He even has his bow... do you think we'll get to see some action!
Aspen #4: Moove that branch.. I can't see.. ohhhhh.. look at his hair just flowing like that...
Aspen #5: Geeze.. better brush off that moss on your north side there #2!
Aspen #2: Ohh. thanks.. shhhh he is coming this way.. He is so mine... can I trip him?
Aspen #1: EEEEEKKK I think I can reach his bum!
Whole grove of Aspen: [giggle, giggle, giggle]
Legolas: I feel the age of this forest.. it makes me feel young.. I feel like it welcomes me... like I am adored!
Aragorn: Beware of the grove of fans.. they can be bewitching.
Gimli: Well, I think it is just because you haven't been around wood for a while.
Legolas: [smiles to self] Well, it could be that I am a Wood-Elf and that is why trees don't bother me as dark, scary, Orc ridden, Balrog inhabited, clastrophobic, dungeons you call mines do!
Aragorn: Hey.. look... more footprints.. Definitely Merry and Pippin here look they must have had a bath... there is strawberry soap residue everywhere...
Legolas: That.. is MOLD!
Gimli: EEEWWW!
Aragorn: Oh you're right.. well, this is little Pippin's prints.. and Merry's with the 'Notary Public of the Shire' mark that he had branded on his foot.. clearly they were here.. Let us go on!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The companions followed the prints to a hill and climbed to the top.
Aragorn: More hobbit prints here... and some other funky ones.
Gimli: Funky?
Aragorn: Yes, like freaky.
Legolas: Hey look, it's Gandalf!
Gimli: Where?
Legolas: Over there in the woods! Hey Gandalf?
Aragorn: I thought he died.
Gimli: Can't be him! It must be Saruman.
Legolas: He died?
Aragorn: Yes, he fell down the thing.
Gimli: No, listen, it's Saruman! Oh look, there's white peeking out from under his cloak.
Legolas: What thing?
Aragorn: You know, the deep thingy... what's that called?
Gimli: Shoot him Legolas!
Aragorn: Maybe he has a new outfit.
Legolas: Gandalf with a new outfit? Right! <snork>
Aragorn: Come on guys, remember in Moria? That deep place we passed over on the bridge?
Legolas: We were in Moria?
Aragorn: What's it called?
Gimli: An abyss, dammit! Now shoot him before he puts a spell on us!
Legolas: Why would Gandalf put a spell on us?
Aragorn: Abyss! Right!
Gimli: It's not Gandalf, it's Saruman.
Aragorn: Could be Saruman, you know... seeing as how Gandalf's dead.
Legolas: I'm sure it's Gandalf, even though he does have a new outfit.
Aragorn: How can it be Gandalf? He's been standing there for five minutes without saying anything.
Gimli: Yes, yes! Kill him!
Legolas: You might want to consider some anger management classes there dude.
Aragorn: You don't remember Moria at all?
Legolas: Oh yes, that's that dwarf place over near Lothlorien.
Gimli: ARRGGGHHH!!!!
Aragorn: But you don't remember going through there?
Gandalf: Hello!
Gimli: NO! (covers ears)
Legolas: Nope, don't remember. Gandalf, did we go through Moria?
Gandalf: Hmmmm.... let me see.... I remember an eagle ride... and a council meeting... then a lot of parties with elf maidens... hobbits running around like maniacs... then lots of trudgetrudgetrudge...
Aragorn: Oh, it is you!
Legolas: Told ya.
Aragorn: (waves hand in front of Gimli's face) Gimli! It is Gandalf.
Gimli: For real?
Legolas: Sure is.
Gimli: Dude! You scared the soup out of us! We thought you were dead!
Legolas: Hey Gandalf, want to see the cool present I got from Galadriel?
Gandalf: Hey wait a minute!
Aragorn: What?
Gandalf: I had a big entrance planned... I was going to uncloak and do some magic stuff.
Legolas: We've seen you uncloaked, dude... rather not have a repeat if you don't mind.
Aragorn: <snork>
Gandalf: Well that's just great! I come back from the dead to help you guys out and all I get is abuse.
Legolas: Okay okay, do your thing.
Gandalf: Well I don't feel like it now.
Aragorn: Oh please!
Gimli: Okay, now I know it's Gandalf for sure.
Legloas: Pretty please! We're sorry!
Gandalf: Oh all right.
Odd Narrator: With that he leapt up onto a rock and flung off his grey cloak revealing his snow white hair and beard and his gleaming white pajama thingies.
Gandalf: They aren't pajamas, they're more of a gi.
Legolas: Nice outfit!
Gimli: But you're all in white! No wonder I thought you were Saruman.
Gandalf: Well let's just say I'm Saruman as he should have been.
Gimli: (to Legolas) Told ya!
Aragorn: What magic stuff were you going to do?
Gandalf: Well... I was going to prevent you from attacking me, but that would be lame now.
Aragorn: We could menace you if you like.
Gandalf: No, no... that's okay. Let's rap... I mean tell me what happened since we parted.
(Russ)
Aragorn: Well, I suppose we could, but I'd really like to hear about the hobbits first, I mean we DID run all this way and everything and somehow it just doesn't seem fair if you get to ask your questions first. Did you find 'em? Are they safe? Did you see Arwen? Did she mention me? She's not seeing anybody else is she, cause if she is I've half a mind to...
Gimli: Um. . .nah, too easy, please continue.
Aragorn: Oh. . .just tell us about the hobbits.
Gandalf: Well, I didn't find them, exactly.
Aragorn: Then you know where they are?
Gandalf: Well, not in so many words.
Aragorn: But at least they're safe right?
Gandalf: Are any of us really safe anymore? In these days of great deeds and epic events, who really can say if one is truly safe anywhere. For the arm of the enemy has grown long indeed and. . .
Aragorn: In other words?
Gandalf: No.
Aragorn: That's what I thought.
Gandalf: Well it's not like I LOST them you know!
Aragorn: Oh sure! Blame it on the human!
Legolas: Well if the shoe fits. . .
Aragorn: Don't YOU start with me! Geeze, you immortals are all the same, well where were you Mr. I can see for miles and miles, when the orcs bagged the two runts!
Gimli: Ok OK! Everyone just take a deep breath! Now, Gandalf, What happened with the hobbits? Can you at least tell us if they are alive or dead?
Gandalf: Well, they're not quite dead yet, at least not as far as Vladhir could tell.
Legolas: Vladhir? Who's that?
Gandalf: That would be Gwaihir the Windlord's third cousin on his mothers side by marriage.
Legolas: An Eagle!
Gandalf: Not exactly.
Legolas: A falcon?
Gandalf: Er, no.
Legolas: A really big Hawk?
Gandalf: Sorry.
Legolas: All right then, what?
Gandalf: A mallard, but a particularly large and fearsome one. He's a Windpeer.
Legolas: So at least he's nobility then.
Gandalf: Of course!
Aragorn: So the way you heard about the hobbits was. . .
Gimli: A little birdie told him.
Aragorn: Man we are so screwed!
Gandalf: Hey, it's not all that bad! Have you noticed that the darkness is gone?
Legolas: You did that?
Gimli: How?
Gandalf: I stood upon a high place and strove with the dark Tower. Long was the struggle, but in the end he broke to my will and the shadow passed!
Legolas: So you're saying. . .
Aragorn: They cut for high card.
Gandalf: Dice actually.
Aragorn: Some mighty struggle!
Gandalf: Hey, it was two out of three! Anyway, I learned that the ring has passed beyond our help now, though the Dark Lord still hasn't found it yet.
Gimli: Then you know of Frodo? Is he well?
Gandalf: Well is such a general term. To say that he is well would be. . .
Aragorn: Is he dead yet?
Gandalf: Not quite.
Legolas: that joke is getting a little worn don't you think?
Gandalf: Perhaps, but not even the wise. . .
Aragorn: Oh shut up!
Gandalf: Sorry, I don't write 'em, I just read 'em.
Aragorn: Oh, I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault. I guess that I'm just worried about Frodo and Sam.
Gandalf: Sam is with Frodo? That Poor Devil! I only hope that old Bilbo's "cure" had it's intended effect! So, tell me, what's new?
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The companions plus Gandalf... or is that the fellowship minus the hobbits and Boromir? I suppose we could just say the remaining fellowship minus the hobbits... no, that's confusing. Okay, I'm just going to call them the companions. Anyway, the companions sat on the hill and... where were we?
Gandalf: Poor Boromir. Galadriel told me he was in peril. That slutty ring was after him from day one. Well at least he let the hobbits get captured in a way that didn't make anyone look bad.
Aragorn: And that's a good thing how?
Gandalf: So that they could come here! And their coming was like that of small birds that start an avalanche in the mountains.
Aragorn: In one thing you have not changed, my friend. You still speak in mixed metaphors.
Gandalf: (laughs) Oh you young people, so impertinent!
Aragorn: I'm not that young (pout). (mumble) never tells me nuthin' (mumble)
Gandalf: Oh stop pouting! Here, I'll tell you what's going on. The Enemy thinks we're going to use the ring to fight him, and the thought of that happening is making him wet his pants. So he's going to try to strike first before we can get our act together. Both he and Saruman sent orcs after the hobbits, and the Enemy knows that hobbits were captured in the Emyn Muil and were headed toward Isengard. However neither the Enemy or Saruman received any further reports... so now Merry and Pippin are safely in Fangorn and the Enemy has to worry that Saruman has the ring. Meanwhile, Saruman doesn't know that any hobbits were captured or that they quarreled with the orcs from Mordor and he also doesn't know about the Winged Nazgul, and are you paying any attention at all?
Aragorn: What? Uh Nazgul! Right!
Legolas: Shot 'em! (pats his AK-47)
Gandalf: You can't kill a Nazgul with an AK-47!
Legolas: Well it sure made him squeal.
Gandalf: As I was saying...
Gimil: Yadda yadda... can you fast forward a bit to last night? Was that you in the woods or Saruman?
Gandalf: It must have been Saruman... wasn't me.
Gimli: I knew it!
(Russ)
Legolas: Look Gandalf, at the risk of seeming hasty, I'd really like to know where the Hobbits are since we did come all this way.
Gandalf: They're with the Treebeard and the Ents of course!
Aragorn: Ah yes, the Ents, of course. They're with the Ents guys. Well, I guess that settles that. Whoo boy! It sure is a good thing that they are with the Ents.
Legolas: (whispers in Aragorns ear)
Aragorn: THEY'RE WHAT??? HAWWW! HAWW HAW HAW!!! GIANT WALKING TREES?!?! HAWW HAW HAW HAW. . .ha? Now look here...
Gandalf: No, you look here, Treebeard is one bad sonuvabeech! And he is VERY, VERY pissed!
Legolas: But I thought he was supposed to be a nice guy. You make him sound like a bad ass!
Gandalf: Oh, he's dangerous! And so am I, more dangerous than you will ever. . .what?
(snickers from everyone)
Legolas: Nothing personal Gandalf, but you just don't seem the type to. . .POOF. . .ribbit-ribbit-ribbit.
Gandalf: You were saying?
Aragorn: You da wiz Gandalf!
Gimli: Oh yeah, you're number one in the bad-ass department!
Gandalf: Hmmph! Tell ME I'm not dangerous! I'll tell you who's dangerous! Damn straight I will. I'm DANGEROUS! (mumble mumble mumble) not dangerous! Mumble mumble mumble POOF!
Legolas: WOW! Dude! That was so cool! Hey next time can you make me a. . . (Gandalf looks at him). . .nevermind.
Gandalf: So, as I was saying, Treebeard, aka Fangorn, is well and truly ticked off. Even now he and his Ents are going to Isengard to pay a little visit to Saruman.
Legolas: What will they do?
Gandalf: Dude, he's a tree. how the hell do I know? anywho, times a-wastin', time to move.
Gimli: To Isengard?
Gandalf: Nope, Rohan.
Legolas: And we're going there because. . .?
Gandalf: We are going there because It's time for you Aragorn son of blah-blah-blah, to put that new-fangled sword of yours to work! There's some orc's looking to make your acquaintance!
Anduril: And about damn time too!
Aragorn: Shush!
Gandalf: What?
Aragorn: I. . .um. . .nothing. I will say this though, You look pretty damn fine in your new white outfit! The Dark Lord may be. . .well, Dark, and have the nine black riders, but we have you, the Mighty Whitey and we shall follow whither soever thou leadest!
Gandalf: Damn Straight!
Legolas: Did you hear that my sweet!
AK: Da tovarich!
Gimli: Can we go now?
(Idril)
Legolas: Hey wait a minute! Gandalf, Gimli said you were dead. How come you're walking around and looking spiffy?
Gandalf: Well that is a long story...
Gimli: (mutters) No surprise there.
Gandalf: Ahem. As I was saying, I fell with the Balrog into the deep thingy... err... I mean the abyss. And man, it was deep. I've fallen into many an abyss in my day, but that was the deepest so far. Anyway... I grappled with the Balrog and tried to get him in a head lock, and he kept trying to set me on fire.
Then the oddest thing happened. We hurtled past this little girl in a blue dress with a white apron. Balrog set her aflame of course... poor child. I can still hear her screaming.
I did a nice little trick I call the Obiwan, and retrieved Glamdring, which I'd dropped at the bridge. If you ever find yourself battling a demon of the ancient world, believe me, it's much better to hack him with a sword than to try to wrestle 'em.
Then, WHAMMO! We hit water. And it was colder than Leonardo Di Caprio's nose, I tell ya.
Gimil: So that abyss does have a bottom!
Gandalf: Indeed. My opponent's flame was quenched in that dark water, and he turned all slimy and nasty. There we fought, with no referee to keep him from cheating.
Attorney: Excuse me.
Gandalf: What? Who are you?
Attorney: I represent Mr. Moruin's estate.
Gandalf: Moruin? Never heard of him!
Attorney: He's the ahem... recently departed fire spirit of which you were speaking.
Gandalf: Really, now. And you represent his estate?
Attorney: Yes. I'm here to inform you that the estate of Mr. Moruin plans to be rather aggressive in defending him against any slanderous misrepresentations of his character... especially any such comments coming from parties involved in his demise.
Gandalf: I see.
Attorney: That's all. You may proceed.
Gandalf: Well then. Hmmm... as I was saying, as we hit the water my good friend Moruin was quenched, and we continued to fight (fairly) as we sank into the depths. Ever he clutched me and ever I hewed him until he fled like a coward...
Attorney: Ahem.
Gandalf: I mean, until he withdrew with all honor into the dark tunnels. I ran after him, knowing that I would be lost in those ancient places should I lose him. I chased his sorry butt up and up...
Attorney: (cough)
Gandalf: (sigh) Alright, I followed him up and up, until we reached the Endless Stair... then up many thousands of steps until we emerged on the pinnacle of the Silvertine. There the wicked spirit burst...
Attorney: (sniff)
Gandalf: Grrr! There the Balrog burst into a lovely red flame once again. Ahh! If only we'd had an audience, but none could see us in that high place. I waded in, whirling Glamdring with deft parries and devastating riposites until my overmatched opponent..
Attorney: Ahem.
Gandalf: Oh come on now! You can't argue with "overmatched". I did win after all.
Attorney: Oh sorry, I just had a little tickle there. Go on!
Gandalf: (sigh) Now where was I?
Attorney: Your overmatched opponent fell from that high place and broke the mountain where he smote it in his ruin?
Gandalf: Ummm... right. Thank you.
Attorney: No problem. Are you going to talk about Mr. Moruin any more?
Gandalf: No... that's about it.
Attorney: Very well. Good day!
Legolas: Where did he go?
Gandalf: Beats me... he just disappeared!
Aragorn: That's what I call a poof! A magical one, I mean... not the other kind.
Gandalf: Where was I?
Legolas: Your unnamed opponent just fell.
Gandalf: Right! Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell.
Legolas: Whoa! Hold it right there. That won't do at all.
Aragorn: Nuh uh!
Gimli: What?
Legolas: We got the scoop from Glorfindel on that reincarnation stuff. We want details and we want them now.
Aragorn: Damn straight! Spill!
Gandalf: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about!
Aragorn: Long tunnel? Bright light? Your favorite Maia babe waiting at the other end? Any of this ring a bell?
Gandalf: Ermm....
Legolas: So. Didja get a little somethin' somethin'?
Gimli: (SNORK)
Gandalf: Now listen here! I hardly think that's...
Legolas: We have all day, you know.
Aragorn: That's right. (puts feet up and relaxes) Got nooo place to go until we get this story.
Gimli: Right, I think I'll have a pipe.
Gandalf: Alright, you insufferable busybodies! I saw Melian! Happy?
Aragorn: No.
Gandalf: And we renewed our friendship.
Legolas: And?
Gandalf: AND I made her sing like Mariah Carey! Now are you satisfied?!?
Gimli: AHHH! HAHAHAHAH!
Legolas: Alright!
Aragorn: HUAH! (high fives Legolas)
Gandalf: (muttering) bawdy fat-kidneyed mammets... I don't know why I put up with this.... (mutter)
Legolas and Aragorn: Gandalf got laaaaaid! Gandalf got laaaaaid!
Gimli: And you DARE show up in white? (snork)
L&A: (SNORK)
Gandalf: Well if you gigglers are quite done I shall continue with the STORY! Naked I was sent back....
Gimli: CHORTLE!
Gandalf: Grrrrrrr! [POOF]
Gimli: OOWWW! Hey, why pick on me? Those guys started it!
Gandalf: Because wizards are subtle and QUICK TO ANGER!
Gimli: Alright, alright! I'll be good. Go ahead with your story, sheesh!
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: And so Gwahir the Windlord found me again and bore me...
Legolas: So you were still naked?
Gandalf: Yes.. I felt really bad.. being a burden and all to him.. he is after all just a bird...
Aragorn: So you rode a bird, and you were naked?
Gimli: EEEEEEWWW!
Gandalf: Get your little minds out of the gutter.. I was practically unconscious.. and so light from having fasted for so long that Gwahir even cracked jokes about being the Poster boy for Weight Watchers.
Legolas: Do they have a poster boy? I thought they spent all their money on Fergie?
Gandalf: No.. stop interrupting.
Legolas: If I interrupt some more will you turn me into a bird this time?
Gandalf: POOF!
Legolas: Meow! [jumps up on Gimli's lap] purrrrrrrrrrr!
Gimli: [Pets Legolas] Well Master Elf.. at least he gave you fine fur!
Gandalf: Do you want to hear this story or not?
Aragorn: Yes, go on..
Gandalf: So Gwaihir bore me to Lothlorien and I found that you were but lately gone from her realm. Here. I have a tape.
Aragorn: You have a tape?
Gandalf: Yes.. uh.. roll.
{Flashback to Lorien}
Gwaihir: Hang on Gandalf.. gotta check in with the tower.... Gwahir the Windlord.. how's the runway? Is it clear to land?
Lothlorien Tower: Negative Gwahir.. the pattern is full...
Gwaihir: (snork)
Gandalf: Uh.. is there something I should know abou........WHAOOAAAAAAAAAAA
[Gwaihir does a twistie fly-by, just cracking the sound barrier causing a sonic BOOM]
Lothlorien Tower Guy: [just sipping his coffee] BOOM [spills coffee on himself] Darn it that guy.. I just had this robe dry cleaned!
Gwaihir: HAWHAWHAHWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAARRRR!
Gandalf: I'd laugh, except I am too weak! Har!
(cut to landing pad)
Galadriel: Well, it is about time Gandalf.. you're looking mighty shriveled up in your naked emaciated state.. come we will heal you.
[Gimli interrupts flashback: So Galadriel saw you uh.. uncloaked?
Gandalf: Uh.. yes.
Gimli: Uh.. was there shrinkage?
Gandalf: That is none of your business!
Gimli: What did she say?
Gandalf: Watch the tape!
Gimli: Oh.. sorry.]
Galadriel: You have no tan lines... it looks like you have been out on the nudist beach fronts of Moria?
Gandalf: Well, it is a long story.
Galadriel: Go ahead and tell me everything... we have time.. remember you are in Lothlorien where there are no clocks!
(out of flashback)
Gandalf: Healing I found, and Galadriel made me this nice new white robe.. [models it] what do you think?
Aragorn: I like the pumps.. they make your ankles look slender..
Legolas: Meow? Mrereeaoww?
Gandalf: Huh? Oh.. POOF.
Gimli: [now petting Legolas' hair] Ohh.. OOOFF!
Legolas: [sitting on Gimli suddenly gets up... blushing] Oh.. I was just trying to say Did she send any news?
Gandalf: Yes.. she sent some poems... [fumbling in pocket] One for Aragorn, and one for Legolas..
Gimli: Didn't she send me a poem too?
Gandalf: No... a love letter...
Gimli: [smiles a toothy grin] Gimmie...
Gandalf: I am to read them to you.. so it sounds all important.
Other Companions: [MOAN]
(Thranduilion
Gandalf: To Aragorn I was bidden to say this. [clears throat, folding hands behind back]
There now lives a Man from the West,
Who grows too much hair on his chest.
A dark door will he find
That the Dead live behind;
They'll follow him only if pressed.
Gandalf: Galadriel would have also sent something about your girlfriend, but she refused to break up the ancient rhyming scheme of the High Elves.
(Idril & Thrandulion)
Gandalf: To Legolas she sends this message:
To Legolas Greenleaf I give this advice
(Though I know he'll ignore it without thinking twice)
If thou hearest the gulls on that far ocean shore
Thou shan't be content in the woods anymore
So, elf of the woodlands stay far from the sea
Or if thou goest there, don't come whining to me.
Legolas: Silly are her words, and befuddling to those who receive them.
Gimli: She can befuddle me any day... woo hoo! Time for mine now!
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: [pulling out his reading glasses and placing them on his nose] Dearest Gimli son of Gloin... Ohh little smoochie face... many kisses do I send to thee! Lockbearer, if thou keepest my golden threads nearest thy heart...Keep thine axe close, thy wood secret, and if Orcs follow thee, f*rt!
Gimli: [big smiles] Oh.. she gives such good advice. C'mon let's go...
Gandalf: Oh.. Gimil... she writes P.S. By the way, don't go chopping down trees in Fangorn.. and don't forget to brush your teeth... and remember to floss... and change your underwear often..
Gimli: Yes, well...
Legolas: (snicker)
Gandalf: P.P.S. Be sure to give Gandalf your undivided attention. He has begun turning people into various animals. Celeborn is a bunny rabbit now, as Gandalf forgot to change him when he left. [Gandalf peers at Gimli over his reading glasses] Oh.. yes.. well, he doesn't say anything important for the rest of the film anyway.
Legolas: (snork)
Aragorn: Well, you'll have to change him back before the wedding.. Arwen will kill me if her grandfather is a rabbit.
Gimli: Rabbits look good in Tuxedos I hear. Or is it top hats?
Aragorn: (glare)
(Idril)
Gandalf: Well, time's a wastin'! We've got people to see and orcs to kill. SADDLE UP!
Aragorn: Oh! I didn't realize how annoying that was!
[They travel back to the edge of the forest.]
Legolas: (peering around) Our horses didn't come back. This sucks. Hey Mr. New and Improved Wizard guy! How about magic-ing us up a Humvee or something.
Aragorn: Oooh, how about a Vette!
Gimli: Or a Limo with a TV and a mini-bar.
Gandalf: Aha! I'll do better than that! [lets out a piercing whistle]
[awkward pause]
Aragorn: (peering) Hmmm... I see some horses.
Legolas: Three horses. No Humvees.
Gimli: Horses? That sucks.
Gandalf: Behold! I have called Shadowfax, chief of the Mearas! Does he not shine like silver and run as smoothly as a swift stream? We are going to battle together. See? He brings your missing horses with him.
Aragorn: I'm impressed. You whistled and your horse came running. Wow.
Gandalf: Well he WAS in the South part of the country yesterday.
Legolas: You know Humvees are arrow-proof, right?
Gandalf: I DID bend my thought on him so that he would make his way here, you know. Your horses obviously were so DELIGHTED to see him that they ran off with him last night. Seeing as how he's the CHIEF of the MEARAS and all. Another mystery solved!
Legolas: Okay, whatever.
Gimli: You know, those mini-bars usually stock Crown Royal. I like Crown Royal.
Gandalf: Well you're NOT getting any. Ahh! Our transportation arrives!
Aragorn: Whoopee.
(Silarien)
Gandalf: [caressing Shadowfax] You are wise and swift and come at need. Far let us ride now together, and part not in this world again!
Shadowfax: Yipee. At last, you've finally asked to marry me! I should think so, after all my coming at your need, I have needs too.
Gandalf: Hasufel shall bear Aragorn and Arod Legolas. I will set Gimli before me upon Shadowfax.
Shadowfax: You'll do WHAT? What's the dwarf gonna be, a page boy? This is no way to start a married life. No sirree, not toting along a gooseberry.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: And thus the company mounted and rode swiftly through South through fen and bog toward Meduseld. At first the non-wizards grumbled about the lack of inappropriate 21st Century transportation, but their spirits revived when they remembered that there would be a big battle in the next chapter or two. Actually they got quite chipper and burst into a spontaneous song:
We're off to follow the Wizard,
And his wonderful wizardly schnozz!
You'll find he is a whiz of a Wiz,
I ever a Wiz there was!
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was,
Our Wizard is one because, because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because his hat is shaped like a vase!
We're off to follow the Wizard,
And his wonderful wizardly schnozz!
Legolas: (pointing West toward Isengard) I see a great smoke! What is it?
Gandalf: It is the Annual Company Barbecue. But we have no time for such matters... ride on!