(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Pippin slowly woke from a terrible dark dream where he was covered with brown fur and was completely out of huney. He was desperately searching for his friends, who had run off into the woods.
Pippin: Eyore! Owl!
Odd Narrator: But as he woke he remembered that the reality was almost as horrible as the dream.
<Start Pippin's Flashback>
(Silarien)
Timid Narrator behind a tree: Orcs and Uruk-Hai swarm in upon Boromir while Merry and Pippin DON'T join in the fight, but cower behind a tree. (Stop shoving, I'll be in the line of fire!)
Boromir: Take THAT and THAT and THAT [Swish, Swoosh, Sploosh]
Merry: Look out, Boromir! Arrow at 12 o'clock. [Thwack] Oops, too late.
Boromir: Ouch! Now I'm mad. [Swish, Swoosh, Splooosh, K'duff]
Pippin: ARROW 3 O'CLOCK! [Thwak] Darn, still too late.
Boromir: Urgh! That arrow is in a really bad position and it's cramping my style. [Swi-sh, Swoo-sh, Splooo-sh, K'du-ff, Thu-gung] Quit the o'clock stuff, hobbits, I ain't got a watch.
Merry: To your right... [Thwak] Aw.
Boromir: Erk, feeling a bit wobbly [swi-iiish, swoo-ooosh, drops to knees]
Merry and Pippin: Hold on. We're coming to the rescue.
Boromir: Oh Great. I'll be just fine then!
Pippin and Merry: [siezed by orcs] Nooooo, put us down, we're going to kill yooooooooooooooooooooo......
Lurtz: [talking to Boromir] Bet that hurts, Sweetie.
Boromir: No, I'm just taking five.
Lurtz: So, you're collecting arrows for a hobby?
Boromir: Yup, more fun than stamps.
Lurtz: Do you also collect swords?
Boromir: Er, well mine's a bit broken ...
Timid Narrator behind a tree: Aragorn FINALLY shows up and sticks sword in Lurtz.
Lurtz: Oh, another little Sweetie. I don't think I climaxed the first time. Try it again Big Boy.
Aragorn: Get off my sword, you pervert! I need to raise it a little higher [Thwack].
Lurtz: Whoooooooooooooooo. Never seen things from this angle befo....
Timid narrator stepping out from behind tree: Aragorn kneels beside Boromir.
Boromir: Oh, it's just you. Where are the Hoards of Gondor? Cr*ppy Horn. [splutter] I'd better make this quick. Sorry, and all that ... [gasp] Hobbits kidnapped ... [wheeze] And Mr. Kingy, if you kiss me before I'm dead, I'll punch your lights out ... [croak]
<End Flashback>
Odd Narrator: Pippin was lying on the rough ground, bound hand and foot and completely surrounded by a group of horrible smelly disgusting grotesque orcs.
Pippin: I'm hungry! What is the time?
Orc: Shut up you pipsqueak. I'll give you the time... all the time you can... uh... stomach.
Pippin: What?
Orc: Never mind. Just shut up.
Pippin: Alrighty then!
Odd Narrator: Merry began to wake up too and, jealous of the attention that Pippin was getting, had his own flashback.
<Start Merry's Flashback>
Boromir: Help! The orcs are shooting me with arrows! Merry, can't you do something?
Pippin: WAAAAHHH!!!
Merry: Don't worry, I'll save you! <begins throwing rocks at the Uruks with deadly accuracy. They drop like flies.>
Pippin: I think I wet myself!
Lurtz: Ha! Your rocks won't hurt me! I'm out of range, nyah! <shoots arrows at Merry>
Merry: <knocks arrows out of the air with his blade.>
Lurtz: Curses! <shoots arrows at Boromir instead>
Boromir: <tries to knock arrows out of the air... fails miserably... gets stuck full of arrows> Alas that I am not a superb fighter like Master Brandybuck! <bleed bleed die>
Merry: (to Lurtz) You currish spur-galled bum-bailey! Take this! <hurls his barrow blade into Lurtz's eye>
Lurtz: OW! <bleed bleed die>
Ugluk: Stop right there!
[Merry spins to see that Ugluk has a knife to Pippin's throat.]
Ugluk: Drop the rocks or the pipsqueak gets it!
Pippin: WAAAAHHHH!!!! Merry, you must do what he says!!!!
Merry <giving Lurtz a look that could have curdled milk>: Very well. But mark my words, orc. No one messes with Meriadoc Brandybuck and lives.
<End Merry's Flashback>
Odd Narrator (low voice): Actually neither of those were particularly accurate. I remember it like this:
<Start Odd Narrator's flashback>
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Pippin and Merry had indeed witnessed the last arrows which brought an end to the valiant Boromir.
Pippin: Whoa.. M.e.r.r.y... things.. are.. in.. slow.. motion...aaaaaahh.
Merry: W.e.i.r.d....Look... More... Orcs... AHHHHHHH...
Arrow #1: THHH...WFFFF..PPPHFHH.FFFTT... [splat....squish...into Boromir's chest] YES!
Pippin: EE..EE.EEE..EWWWW!
Merry: [slowly leaves mouth hanging open]
Pippin: When... is... this... slo... mo... gonna.. end??
Merry: H..U..H? [looks over to see Lurtz who fires another arrow]
Boromir: OW! Arrow.. sharp.. I am not in slow mo....[thwack, chop, spear, hack... pant, pant] Ow!
Arrow #2: Ppppp...ffffff..ttttttt...sscccuuhnnnscchh! Who hooo! Hit an artery!
Boromir: D'oh! There goes my kidney... [thwack, chop, hack]
Merry: Hey, stop that you neanderthal... look at the noggin on that guy. [whips out his blade]
Pippin: Oh.. I guess we should try to fight too.. I wonder how that hand paint doesn't get sweated off? [gets out blade... stands unsure]
Odd Narrator: They were surrounded by Orcs, but the Orcs didn't wish to fight.
Orcs: Hey, grab that little halfling..
Merry: Chop, chop stab!
Dispensable Orc #1: AAAAAAHHHHHHH! My arm is gone!
Merry: Stab, chop, poke, jab..
Dispensable Orc #2: Hey.. that was a good arm.. OW... my elbow...
Pippin: Good old Merry!
Boromir: [comes leaping through the bushes with 2 arrows sticking out] I am still able to kill [thwack, chop, ding, ding... fight, punch.. stab]
Orcs: Dang, we have to fight now.. it is a real fighter..
Merry: Hey.. I am a real fighter. [stab, chop]
Orcs: [pick up Merry and Pippin and shake them a bit]
Merry and Pippin's blades: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH... [plop] Dang, out of the fight.
Pippin: [looks up as he is being hauled off and sees Boromir] Oh.. Dude. You have a couple arrows in there... whoa..[bonks head on overhanging branch and is out!]
Merry: [kick, squirm, wiggle, punch] Stupid Orcs.. why.. let me go... [bites Orc's ear]
Orc with bleeding ear: AAAAOOOOWW! You little Tyson.. [smacks Merry's head with that pokie sharp armor]
Merry: OWW! [bleed, bleed, falls unconscious]
Orc next to Orc with bleeding ear: Dude, he is gushing all over your shoulder.. here's a bandaid.
Orc with bleeding ear: Hey.. give ME the bandaid.. forget the halfling...
Big shot leader Orc: Hey.. use the bandaid for the halfling... we need to keep him alive!
Odd Narrator: And the Orcs hauled the two little halflings...
Merry: Hey.. Hobbits.. we are hobbits!
Odd Narrator: You are supposed to be unconscious!
Pippin: Halfling is the word the Orcs like to use.. we're Hobbits... so unless you are an Orc....
Odd Narrator: [smiles and shows REALLY nasty Yellow teeth]
Merry & Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!! [both fall back into unconsciousness]
Odd Narrator: Heh, heh, heh.. ahem... So the Orcs hauled the halflings off...
<End Odd Narrator's flashback>
Odd Narrator: Anyhoo, back to the present. After Merry and Pippin awoke there was a disturbance amongst the orcs. Apparently there were several groups of arguing over M&P. The biggest orcs were lead by Ugluk, a huge Uruk-hai from Isengard. Then there were some smaller orcs from Moria, who were anxious to avenge their kinsmen who'd been killed in Moria...
Moria Orc: ... although these little rats obviously weren't involved. My cousin was right there in the tomb and he said they were attacked by a giant who grabbed up orcs by the dozen and snarfed them down like popcorn. He'd never seen anything so horrible... now he has to sleep with the light on... his therapist says he may recover eventually.
Odd Narrator: Back to the actual story here! The third group was rather creepy and sleazy, even for orcs. They were from across the Anduin. The various orcs began to argue about what to do with the "little rats"...
Pippin: That's not a very PC term you know.
Odd Narrator: Alright then! They began to argue about what to do with the small rodents. The argument became heated and had almost come to blows when Merry intervened....
Merry: Excuse me! This isn't a very productive way to make decisions you know!
Ugluk: What?
Merry: You need a better process... here let me go for a sec and I'll show you. This is cool, you'll like it.
Odd Narrator: The orcs, amazed at Merry's audacity, untied him and allowed him to join in the meeting. With Merry moderating, everything went much more smoothly.
Merry: Alright, here are the ideas so far:
- Let the Uruk-hai take the nasty little rats to Isengard
- Eat the pipsqueaks here, then go home.
- Take the nasty little spying pipsqueak rats across the river to the Nazgul who will carry them AND Grishnakh to Lutgburz where he (Grishnakh) will be hailed as a hero.
- They look v. tender and juicy
- We Uruks are bigger than the rest of you and if we don't get our way we'll rip out your hearts and show them to you.
Any discussion?
Orc: Actually, that first one sounds just fine.
Orcs: <mutter mutter> Yes, the first one.
Merry: Excellent! Now wasn't that fun?
Orcs: <mutter agreement>
Uruk-hai: (raising hand) I have a question.
Merry: Yes?
Uruk-hai: When do we get to kill the rotten maggots who disagreed with us in the first place?
Merry: Well you don't. That's the whole point, we reached a consensus in a civilized manner without resorting to unnecessary arguing or bloodshed.
Orcs: <stare slack-jawed>
Ugluk: (recovering first) And that would be good how?
Merry: Oh well... you see... ummm...
Odd Narrator: The orcs eyed Merry suspiciously for a moment and then leaped up and began arguing and fighting amongst themselves. One pair nearly trampled poor Pippin before one tripped over some of his eviscerated organs and came crashing down practically on top of the little hobbit. Pippin, thinking quickly....
Pippin: Huh?
Odd Narrator: Pippin, THINKING QUICKLY, cut his wrist bonds on the dying orc's sword.
Pippin: Oh... where?
Odd Narrator: Which had fallen beside the foul creature.
Pippin: I'm not seeing it.
Odd Narrator: Who was left-handed.
Pippin: Okay! Gotcha! (cuts his wrist bonds)
Pippin: (rather loudly) Whoopee! I'm...
Odd Narrator: THEN, not being an IDIOT, he QUIETLY tied the bonds together into a LOOSE LOOP so that the ORCS who were RIGHT THERE wouldn't realize that he'd gotten free.
Pippin: Good idea! I'm glad you.... I mean I'm glad I thought of it.
(BunnieBugs)
[Two orcs picked up the hobbits roughly, and pulled their arms down over their heads, crushing their faces against their greasy orc-necks.]
Pippin: mmgphlbb..I'm not a ...bbblbmapk... BACKPACK!
Orc: You are now! Shut up!
Peculiar Narrator: The orcs jolted along, and the hobbits slipped away into evil dreams. Suddenly, the hobbits were thrown to the ground. It was early evening.
Obsequious Orc: The scouts have come back at last.
Ugluk: Well, whassup?
Obsequious Orc: I'll let them tell you, because I prefer to keep my innards where they are.
Scout Orc: We saw, like, only one horseman, and when he saw us, he was SO outta there, and...
Ugluk: What? You didn't kill him?
Scout: Well, he was running so fast, and we were all: "HA, HA, HA!" and it was totally...
Ugluk: Aarrgh! I'm surrounded by incompetents! Now he's gonna tell all his friends! We've gotta double-time it now! (to Pippin) Sit up! You've gotta use your legs, now! And no tricks!
Pippin: Tricks? What tricks? Have you been looking at my wrists or something?
Ugluk: What? No, I'm an ankle man, myself... I mean... Shut up, if you know what's good for you! Now, drink this!
[Ugluk pours some foul-looking liquid down Pippin's throat.]
Pippin: Wow! I feel much better! Say, does it come in pints?
Ugluk: Quiet! Now for the other...
[Ugluk walks over and kicks Merry.}
Merry: Hey, steady on! I'm up, I'm up!
Ugluk: You're not up until I say you're up! [smears some yucky brown stuff on the cut on Merry's forehead.]
Merry: Yowch! Oh, man, I'll bet that's gonna leave a mark!
Ugluk: Down the hatch! [pours the liquid into Merry.]
Ugluk: Now, you're up!
Merry: (splutter) Ach! Ugh! You guys actually drink this stuff? Tastes like Balrog pi**! Oh, hullo, Pippin! Enjoying our little outing? Let's go find somewhere for breakfast and bed, eh?
Ugluk: Hey! Shut up! Any trouble and The Big Guy will hear about it. Then you'll get bed and breakfast, all right: more than you can stomach!
Pippin: Oh, I doubt that...
Merry: Hee, hee! He doesn't know you very well, does he, Pip?
Ugluk: [brandishing his knife] Just what part of "shut up" don't you understand?
Merry and Pippin: Shutting up!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The Orcs ran on, driving the Hobbits on with them using whips and vicious taunts. At length they descended a steep ravine and at the bottom they ran out on to grass. For no apparent reason the hobbits hearts rose.
Ugluk: Onward me matey's, on as fast as yer legs will run lest the divil or the whiteskins take ye!
Northern Orc: What about when the sun comes up?
Ugluk: Ahrrr! And what does ye be a-thinkin we'll do? We'll run ye foul beastie! Run and the yellow face be damned! Ahrrr!
Northen Orc: But we can't run with the sun in the sky!
Ugkuk: Well you'll run with me behind ye! Now off wi' ye, ye miserable maggots! Run! Damn ye, Run while the night lasts!
Pippin: [voice over while running with the orcs] Man, I have GOT to pee! Hmm, maybe if I just dive over here. . .
[veers suddenly off to the right and disappears into the grass]
Pippn: [to himself] Dammit! Here they come! If I can only just. . .AHhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .ack! glgltthhh. . .choke. . .gasp!
[a pair of thick orc hands grabs Pippins cloak and yanks hard sending the clasp falling to the ground and you know what spraying everywhere. A whip thong curls around his Hobbit "Hoo-Ha"]
Pippin: YEOWWWWW! [Falls to the ground whimpering]
Ugluk: Alright me pretties, that thar's enou...Well shiver me timbers, thar's more to this Hobbit than meets the eye!
Northern Orc: Oh for pete's sake, he got it all over me! Why you little. . .
Ugluk: Arr, niver mind that, it's time we be a movin' on out!
[they all start running again]
Merry: Um, Pip, don't you think you ought to, you know, put yourself away?
Pippin: Agh! The pain! [collapses in the dirt. An orc picks him up and carries him]
[time lapse: Orcs running on and on through the night until the day begins to dawn. Then they stop, tossing Pippin to the ground, Merry is wake and sitting nearby.]
(Idril)
Pippin: Oh no! Are you going to grab my bum now?
Orc: What?
Pippin: You know, are you going to try to feel me up?
Orc: Ewww! No!
Merry: Well are you going to make us sit in your lap?
Orc: No. We're going to rest for a bit, then we have to run some more. Anyway, why would I want you to sit in my lap?
Merry: <whisper whisper>
Orc: ICK! GROSS! That's the most perverted and disgusting thing I've ever heard of in my entire life!
Pippin: <snicker>
Merry: You mean you don't fancy us?
Orc: EWWWW! Ugluk! Make them stop, they're grossing me out!
Ugluk: Well give them something to eat and stop fooling around.
Pippin: Some stew would be nice.
Orc: Hey! Do we have any Stu left?
Another Orc: No, we just finished him off.
Orc: What about that Sir Loin fellow?
Another Orc: Gone.
Orc: Earl Of Nabisco?
Another Orc: Nope.
Orc: What do we have then?
Another orc: We have a hank of Hank left, or we can start on the Chuck steak. For dessert there's that tart.
Yet another Orc: Hey! That was my wife's cousin, she was NOT a tart!
Pippin: Whatever! They all sound delicious!
(Russ)
[An orc passes by and drops a bit of stale bread and a strip of dried flesh for each of them]
Pippin: Alright, breakfast! Dang, I can't reach it! Hmm, no one seems to be looking, I'll just. . .[in a lightning fast blur, Pips tongue flicks out of his mouth and deftly snatches up the food several feet away.]
(Idril)
Pippin: This one must have been a drinker. Love that Jack Daniel's marinade!
Merry: So, Mr. Orc you really don't fancy us? Not even a little?
Orc: Stop!
[M&P share a look]
Pippin: That's too bad, because I think you're kind of cute.
Merry: Yes! Nice legs!
Orc: EWWW!!
[There's was another disturbance amongst the orcs. The Moria orcs were yelling and pointing North toward the forest.]
(Russ)
Ugluk: Arrr! Alrighty then! Have yer way, but these 'ere little folk stays with us! Off with ya now, run ye curs! run fer the woods if ye c'n! Arrr!
[the northern orcs break and run. Off to the east a second group of orcs, these with a red eyeball painted upon their foreheads approaches]
Ugluk: Now fer ta deal with Grishnak, that mutinous, thick sculled scallywag of a dog!
Snaga: Beggin' the skippers parrrdon, but them whitefaces are a-comin' this way sir!
Ugluk: Arrr! so they is, so they is, and it's yer fault ye mangy cur! I ought to 'ave 'ad ye drawn an' quartered, I ought've! But we're the fightin' Uruk-Hai, wot fears no man nor beast and we'll feast on horseflesh or better mark me!
[enter Grishnak]
Ugluk: Arrr, so ye've come back 'ave ye! Arrr!
Grishnak: Just keepin' an eye on things, Arrr!
Ugluk: Well are ye now? Arrr!
Grishnak: Aye! Arrrrr!
Ugluk: Arrrrrr!
Grishnak: ARRRRRRR!
Ugluk: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Grishnak: Suit yerself!
Ugluk: Very well then, off we go! Run ye mongrels! Run, run for the race is on!
Odd Narrator: And so one more time the orcs set to running, carrying the hobbits and following in the tracks of the already fleeing northerners, and behind, ever closing followed the horsemen!
(lotr42)
Miscellaneous Yet Fashionable Orc: *struggles under the weight of Pippin* Good grief! Whoever would have thought these pipsqueaks weigh so much?!? And what the H-E-double hockey sticks is that awful SMELL?!? *sniffs Pippin, slung over his back* Geez, lousie, I think its strawberries! I'm going to be sick!!! *throws Pippin down and pukes on the side of the road*Stan the Orc: Get on wif' ya, ya no good pansy! Can't even handle a little stench?
[With that Stan the Orc takes a swift kick at our little prone friend, kicking him over to Miscellaneous Yet Fashionable Orc.]
MYFO: Now there! You lay off, hear?!? When the MYFN hears of this, he'll have your hide!!! He's my cousin don't you know, once removed on my mother's side.
Pippin mumbles: Hey, you copied my lines, you walking barbeque waiting to happen!
MYFO:(wiping his chin with the back of Pippin's scarf as Crudla, female orc carrying Merry drops him to the ground beside Pip) Ech, much better. But now what do we do wif' em?
Crudla: Well, the cap'n says we need to take them back to Isengard. But all this running is ruining my pumps! Do you know how hard it is to find a decent pair of pumps in Orc sizes?
Stan mutters to MYFO: Why the heck did we bring her again?
MYFO: (under his rancid breath to Stan) Something about non-discrimination acts. Saruman was getting into hot water about not having female orcs in the troops, so here we are. But you have to admit, the pumps are very fashionable at least.... I mean, you can't go wrong with basic black.
Stan (grumbles and turns back to group): Look, can't we just eat them here? Saruman did promise us man-flesh and while these two obviously aren't men, they should make good eatin!
Pippin: Hey! I'm every bit a man's man, I'll have you know!
Merry (struggles to repress a hysterical giggle): Yea, you have no idea. *snicker*
[Orcs, in unison sniff again at the strawberry scented hobbits and wrinkle their noses.]
MYFO to the hobbits: Look fellas, its over. We're going to eat you and that's that! *Pulls out a long nasty knife and heads toward Pippin* At least you've had a good life!
Pippin: But I'm only 29 years old!!!
MYFO: I said good, not long.
(Idril)
Ugluk: [WHACK]
MYFO: OW!
Ugluk: Pick up those halflings and run before I spit you, maggot!
(Thranduilion)
Chestnut: Hey look! Orcs coming this way trying to escape the cavalry hot on their heels. Ya think it'll woik?
Oak: It would take a miracle.
(Idril)
Chestnut: I hate orcs... let's tease 'em.
Oak: 'Kay. [LOOM!]
Chestnut: [LOOM!] Run orcs, run! You can make it!
Other Trees: [LOOM!] <snicker>
Oak: [LOOM!] Yes, run! We're really close!
Orcs: run run
M&P: bounce bounce
Riders: pffft pffft
Slow Orcs: OW fall dead OW fall dead
Chestnut: [LOOM!!!] Hooray orcs! You made it to the forest... you can stop now!
Oak: Wait for it... and....
Orcs: WHEW!
Oak: ....NOW!
Trees: [spring back to normal]
Chestnut: Ha ha! Psyche! [snork!]
Riders: circle! circle!
Orcs: WAIL! WAIL!
Trees (laughing and taunting): It must suck to be you!
Oak: Ha! Stupid orcs.
Odd Narrator: And the trees of Fangorn forest shared high fives all around as the orcs found themselves completely surrounded by the Riders of Rohan.
Eomer: This is too weird.
Eo-other guy: What?
Eomer: I just have this feeling like we did this already. I distinctly remember burning all these orcs in a big bonfire and riding away.
Eo-other guy: Really? Me too.
Eomer: It's like that episode of Star Trek TNG, where they were trapped in that time whirlpool thing.
Eo-other guy: What's Star Trek?
Eomer: Never mind.
Odd Narrator: As the sun set the Riders lit little watch-fires around the encircled orcs and settled down to wait. Meanwhile in the orc camp, Pippin and Merry were cruelly tied to keep them from escaping.
Merry: Damn! I wish Sam was here. When he does this my legs never go to sleep. Stupid orcs.
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Odd Narrator: However none of the orcs got much rest as the Riders kept sneaking up and killing them off a few at a time.
Ugluk: Alright, WHO gave these guys NVG's? Hello! This is supposed to be a LOW TECH world!
Continuity Girl: <snicker>
(ArwenfromRome)
[Conversation overheard in the orc camp]
Wurtz (1st Uruk-Hai): Hey Burtz ... don't you think those little creatures' are strangely dressed up?
Burtz (2nd Uruk-hai): d'ya mean those useless prisoners of ours?
Wurtz: Yes ... don't ya think their clothes are strange?
Burtz: I personally think those Elvish cloaks really suck. Stupid Elves.
Turtz (3rd Uruk-Hai): ... what sucks worse are those things they wear UNDER the cloak ... I have never seen anything similar in my whole life.
Wurtz: None of us wears those legs garments, neither does Saruman, as far as I remember ... unless he wears them under his white robe...
...
Hey guys ... wait a minute ... wasn't Saruman's order to bring him the prisoners without touching nor wasting anything of theirs? Didn't he say they carry something VERY RARE AND PRECIOUS?
Turtz: He did ... c'm on, cut it short, dude: what is now this damn interest of yours in Hobbits? Are you becoming a pervy hobbit fancier too? Sam will kill you if you try anything.
Wurtz: Hey man, calm yourself down ... so haven't you got the point?
Burtz: Which f***ing point?!?!? Watch out cause I start to get nervous, baby.
Wurtz: The point is: the goal of the mission!!! SARUMAN WANTS THE HOBBITS' PANTS!!!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Suddenly the hobbits felt sharp fingers grabbing their bums.
Pippin: Ow! I knew I wouldn't make it a whole chapter without that happening!
Grishnakh: Here, you little grubs be still while I grope you.
Merry: Sheesh! How can you think of molestation at a time like this?
Pippin: Yeah, you're not even offering us any candy. That's just wrong.
Grishnakh: EWWWW!! Shut up you tape worms, I'm looking for something.
Merry: Well I don't keep it there!
Pippin: <snicker>
Grishnakh: Not there huh? Where do you keep it then?
Pippin: Surely orc physiology is not THAT different.
Merry: Maybe it would help if you told us what you're looking for.
Grishnakh: I know you know what I'm looking for.
Pippin: I know you think that you know that we know, but we really don't know.
Grishnakh: Arrgh! Where's the ring?
Merry: Oh that! We had it, but Pippin swallowed it yesterday for safekeeping.
Pippin: I did?
Merry: Yep. You'll have to save us if you want to get it. It should show up again in a couple of days.
Pippin: You told me that was an Ginko Biloba capsule.
Grishnakh: Arr! Alright, we'll straighten this out later. I'm taking you out of here. [grabs a hobbit under each arm and makes a run for it between two watchfires]
Rider (galloping up): Marco!
Grishnakh: Polo! Oh crap! [crunch]
Rider: Heheh... stupid orc.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The two halflings, Merry and Pippin...
Merry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The Orc Narrator again... run away [trips on bound legs and falls]
Pippin: Stay still... horses...
(Bunniebugs)
Merry: (whispers to Pippin) Oh, we are SO going to get trampled!
Pippin: No, I don't think so... wait for it... [brraackk!]
[The approaching rider's horse leaps lightly over the prone hobbits.]
(merithehobbit)
Merry: Wow, did you see that, they just stepped right around us and didn't see us... or crush us!
Pippin: Yeah... pretty cool of that Tolkien guy to give us a break after all that ABUSE! I am pretty awesome to think of the plan though!
(Bunniebugs)
Merry: Dude! That was awesome! I'm never complaining about your bad manners again.
Pippin: Heh! One whiff of that, and that horse knew there was something here he didn't want to step in!
Merry: I wish we weren't tied up! I'd really like to high-tail it before they figure out we're missing.
[Sudden cries ring out from the orc camp.]
Merry and Pippin: Too late!
Merry: Wait! There's another group of orcs arriving. Man, those horsemen have their hands full... At least that's distracted the orcs away from us. Now if we could just get loose!
Pippin: Ta da! [shows Merry his free hands.}
Merry: Whoa! How'd you do that?
Pippin: I'll never te-ell!
Merry: Oh, be that way.
Pippin: I'm hungry!
Merry: Pip, the ropes...
Pippin: I think I still have some lembas in my pocket. Now where is it...
Merry: Uh, Pip?
Pippin: Score! Kinda crumbly, but still good. [stuffs some in his mouth] Ya wan' thum, Mewwy?
Merry: (sighs) All right. Thanks. [Pippin drops a bite into Merry's mouth.]
(merithehobbit)
PJ: CUT, CUT, CUT!!!
Pippin: What?
Merry: I thought we did a pretty good take on that one...
PJ: MAKEUP... Pippin is WAY too clean here... more dirt, slime... and look at pristine Merry... sheesh, did you makeup people even read what scene we were doing today?
Makeup: Wha... ohhhh... sorry, I have the script from Rivendell... [smears dirt and slime on Pippin]
Pippin: AAAAAAKK... stinky... filthy... [slumps into a pout as 4 makeup people come in and cover him in filth]
Merry: STOP... aaaaakkk...[struggles] PJ... these makeup people...[wiggles] Ouch! Are you guys Orcs in disguise? YUCK!
Makeup: Oh... Can't take your medicine Master Merry...[all 5 laugh together] Doesn't know what's good for him...[laughter] Ai! We shall have some fun later! [loud bursts of giggles]
Merry: Hey... we already did that scene, yesterday.
Makeup: We just wanted some screen time... play along!
Merry: [seeing he is face to face with an eyeliner pencil at his eye] Uhh... OK... uhh... Oh hey... Pip? So you have been smeared with nasty makeup too?
Pippin: Yeah, yeah.. HEY PJ... WE HAVE SOME TOLKIEN FANATIC MAKEUP FOLKS HERE... KEEP QUOTING LINES FROM THE BOOK...[gets smacked in the face with a poof of finishing powder] OUCH!
PJ: OK... get out of here Makeup.. QUIET ON THE SET...take 2
Merry: Hey, Pip? Lookie... we're outside the "ring" we can get free! If only we could somehow get these tight bonds undone...
Pippin: OH... I forgot to tell you... see my hands... faked the whole bond thing... Stupid Orcs!
Merry: Whooo... good job... good thing you passed knot tying in Hobbit Scouts! They would've reamed you if it had come undone.
Pippin: Well, here, I will fish out some crushed lembas before you are untied... to give us energy to cut our bonds!
Merry: YES! Food first! Feed me... my hands are still tied! [chomp, chomp, lick, smack]
Pippin: Uh... maybe I should untie your hands at least... you licking my dirty fingers is just a TAD too personal!
Merry: [smack, lick] whatever.
(Bunniebugs)
Pippin: Man, this takes me right back to Lothlorien...
Merry: [burp!] Okay, how 'bout those ropes now, Pip?
Pippin: [dreamily] Mmm... food was fantastic there... and how about that wine? It was killer!
Merry: Well, maybe when your trip down memory lane is done, you could CUT THE ROPES?
Pippin: Oh, sorry. I just can't think on an empty stomach.
Merry: It must be empty a lot.
Pippin: Yeah. ...Hey!
Merry: [snicker!]
(merithehobbit)
PJ: WHAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK! CUT, CUT, CUT!
Merry: Now what?
PJ: The mikes are unplugged... Boom operators... you are holding us up!
Boom: Oh #$^#&%^ Sorry!
Assistant to PJ: [on cell phone] Yes... Valium... uh, uh... yes... for Peter Jackson... yes... OK ... I'll be at the pharmacy in 10 minutes!
PJ: OK... Quiet on the set again... take 3... well, start at the Memory Lane scene...
Pippin: OK.. Merry... move over there... OK... [looks up] Oh.. rolling sorry!
Merry: [licking Pippin's fingers] whatever...
Pippin: Well, this pulverized lembas is pretty good... [lick, smack] makes me think of Lothlorien..
Merry: That was so nice, and here we are in the dark, surrounded by Orcs, next to a creepy forest...taste is sure great at blocking out icky stuff, huh?
Pippin: Yes, you know smell is that way too... memories are triggered just by the smell...[sniffs air] Oh... Grishnakh...
Odd Narrator: Pippin crawls and wriggles over to snag Grishnakh's knife as the sword would have been just too heavy for such a hobbit as Pippin.
Pippin: Hey! You Orc fancier!
Merry: Huh? Oh, him... cut these bonds! Thanks... my circulation was cut off... my poor hobbit feet are blue!
Pippin: Mine are a strange purple shade... makes my fur look all odd.
Merry: Let's crawl for a while until we can walk and get the Mordor out of here!
(Bunniebugs & merithehobbit)
Pippin: Good idea... we need to get under cover before we're skewered like old Grishnakh.
Odd Narrator: So the hobbits crawled for a while until they could walk and then they headed along the river up to the first trees of the forest. As they walked the trees were astounded that they talked of such casual things. For even the trees had seen how cruel the Orcs had been to them...
Oak: Shhh... someone is coming.
Chestnut: Oh... it is those cute little ones that the Orcs were abusing!
Oak: Shhh...
(Bunniebugs)
Merry: Well, let's see, this river must be the Entwash, over there is the butt-end of...
Pippin: [snork! snicker!]
Merry: Yes, well, the Misty Mountains. So this here is Fangorn Forest. See? It pays to do your homework.
Pippin: Oh, not the homework again! What are you, my mother? First Frodo, now you. Just leave it alone!
Merry: I'm just saying, if you spent less time eating and more time trying to educate yourself, the screenwriters wouldn't pick on you so much!
Pippin: Just 'cause you're Mr. Perfect, always teacher's pet...
Merry: Not true. I merely apply myself.
Pippin: Well, if you don't watch where you're going, you're going to apply yourself to that tree!
Merry: Whoops! Thanks, Pip. Could'a sworn that wasn't there a second ago...
Pippin: Well, lead on Master Brandybuck, but they did warn us against Fangorn Forest... But of course, Mr. Perfect probably remembers that. Right?
(merithehobbit & BunnieBugs)
Merry: Yes... I do remember a bit about Fangorn, but it's bound to be better than being part of an orc shishkebab. Let's go! I will lead... I better do something good and brave in this chapter or Bilbo will make it "Pippin Saves the Day!"... I will have to brush up my toes if I am going to get level with you.... You really did some heroic stuff you know Pip?
(merithehobbit)
Pippin: Thanks Merry... I don't think I have had a compliment since we left Rivendell on this crazy meessshion, qwwweeest... thing!
Merry: You're welcome. Ah... this way! C'mon you endless pit of digestion...
Pippin: Oh... again with the eating jokes... I can't help it if I have a high metabolism! But... then... Rivendell... doughnuts. Lead on Master Merry...I am in the midst of a food fantasy and won't be paying attention...drool.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so it was that the hobbits missed the outcome of the battle between the Orcs and the Riders of Rohan. Not that there wasmuch to see, The riders pretty much slaughtered anything that moved. There were lots of white flags and pleas for mercy, but nobody paid any attention, they were, after all, only orcs.
News of the battle never did reach Isengar or Mordor since all of the orcs were dead and for "security reasons" journalists were not informed of the specifics of the operation until it was long over and by then no one really cared anyway. The camera footage from the "smart" arrows was pretty cool though.
(MEDICRN18)
(Riders pile up orc corpses in mound efficiently)
Eomer: Ok that about does it. Fire it up! I've got the franks, who brought the marshmallows?
Eothain (furiously rummaging through his laden saddlebags): I know I've got them somewhere in here! (tosses out various items in his haste to find them)
Eomer: Hey, you've got a spare roll of toilet paper?! You've been holding out on me!
Eothain: Uh,forgot that was in there...oh here those marshmallows are! Just slightly squashed.
Eomer: Great! So lets sing those praises for our fallen comrades and then we can have sing-along time.
Eothain: My favorite! I vote for "Kumbaya" first.
(All Riders groan and roll eyes, orc bodies burn meanwhile)