(aneya26)
Narrator Wearing Shades: The sun was sinking behind the mountains when Gandalf and his companions, the king....
Aragorn: [opens mouth]
NWS: Shooosshhh....with his riders set out from Isengard. Gandalf and Aragorn drew straws; Gandalf took Merry, Aragorn got Pippin. Two scouts were sent ahead while the others trotted along.
Others: Trot, trot, trot
NWS: The Ents stood in a solemn row. No longer in need of their protest signs, they linked branches and lifted them upward. Merry and Pippin looked back.
Pippin: Hey! I think they're starting a wave...
Aragorn: Then wave back.
Pippin: No, no...THE WAVE...oh, forget it.
NWS: Sunlight was in the sky. [patting self on the back] Heh, heh.... glad I wore my cheap sunglasses. Ahem...and Treebeard stood alone.
Treebeard: I'm gonna miss my peeps.
NWS: They came to the pillar of the White Hand. It was now broken; its forefinger lay in the road with its red nail now black.
Gandalf: The Ents are so detail oriented. They even remembered to bring nail polish with them. Hmmm... wonder how their manicures are....
Merry: Are we there yet?
Gandalf: No.
Merry: How much further is it?
Gandalf: Far.
Merry: I've got to go to the bathroom.
Gandalf: You should have gone before we left Isengard.
Merry: [pout] If I don't get to go, then you'll have a soggy rag behind you!!
Gandalf: We don't have time for a potty break. Just go over the side. OH! And remember...if you tinkle while you sprinkle, I'll use my force, you'll clean the horse!!
Merry: All right.[sprinkle, sprinkle] Awww... much better. Now seeing as I'm riding behind you...
Pippin: [snickering from way in the back] Behind!
Merry: Yea [snork] Okay, as I am riding with you, I'll ask again...are we there yet?
Gandalf: NO...You fool of a took!
Merry: But, I'm the Brandybuck.
Gandalf: Oh, so sorry...senior moment.
Merry: Hmph!
Gandalf: By the by, you really seemed to catch Saruman's eye. He managed to throw down a letter while no one else was looking.
Merry: Really?
Gandalf: [opens letter]
Letter: Hehehehe...that tickles.
Gandalf: Yes, it says [clears throat] To the cute short fellows. I like you, do you like me? Please check yes or no. You should feel honored [suppressing laughter]
Merry: Somehow, I don't. First Orcs pick me up and carry me away, touching my bum the whole time, and now THIS. Sheesh!
Pippin: [again in the distance] Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa
Merry: Quiet you! Those Orcs were fondling you, too!
Pippin: Were not!
Merry: Were too!
Pippin: Were not!
Merry: And maybe you even liked the attention.
Pippin: Well, they WERE sensual Orcs.
Entire Company: EEEEWWWWWWW!!!
Gandalf: Silly little hobbits. You make me laugh, and toss my lembas [Eurp] Still, every wizard should have a pet hobbit. But feeding them is a terrible expense. And getting them to be obedient, not THAT can be a problem. Hmmm...maybe a pet rock would be better.
Gimli: I hear THAT!!
Gandalf: From now on, we'll have to use the buddy system. [first humming, then singing] Over the river and through the woods, Away from Isengard we go.
Merry: [yawning] Well all I can think about right now is sleeping. So where is it we're going...my geography classes never covered this part of Middle-Earth.
Gandalf: Then you'd better learn...but I haven't got the patience to teach you.
Merry: You're so mean. But didn't we win? Guess I'll have to tackle Strider.
Pippin: [snork--now shouting] Movin' on to the Ranger? Well, it would be a more respectable romp than with an Orc.
Aragorn: [takes out sword and bonks Pippin on the head with the hilt]
Hilt: Clunk...He deserved that!
Gandalf: Back to Merry's question...yes, we've won a battle but not the war. There was some link between Isengard and Mordor.
Palatir: [muffled] Mffpftt..mmmffppfftt
Gandalf: But I really have no idea.
Palantir: [still muffled, but a bit louder] Mmmm...mmppfftt..MMMFFF
Gandalf: SO we must be on our guard. The Eye is looking for us.
Merry: [shaking fist in the air] Darn you blasted CBS!!!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The company rode slowly down the valley. After quite a while they pulled on to the off ramp and out into a dale where there was a glen shaggy with last years bracken...
Pippin: *snork* He said shaggy...
Merry: Like as in Scooby Doo?
Odd Narrator: [chucks a pen at Merry] SHH! Ahem.. They lit a fire in the hollow among the roots of a hawthorn...
Pippin: Uh.. Mr. Narrator.. you are using lots of words I am unfamiliar with...
[From off the set Sam Gamgee comes running]
Sam: Here Pippin.. I knew you would never have done the homework on local plant related, descriptive words.
Pippin: Huh... letssee..thanks Sam! [reads]
| bracken: | a large course fern |
| dale: | valley |
| glen: | secluded narrow valley |
| hawthorn: | any genus of spring flowering spiny shrubs of the rose family |
Pippin: Oh.. that makes more sense..
Odd Narrator: Sheesh.. I guess I could say they pulled off the highway into a valley and found a smaller valley where they settled on fern like underbrush, near a giant rose bush that hadn't come to bloom...
Pippin: Yea..[claps hands] do that!
Odd Narrator: [throws another pen at Pippin] Be quiet.. you have a big part later!
Ahem... the company set two at a watch and the others settled down for a sleep. The hobbits lay together in a corner by themselves on the bracken.
Pippin: [crunch, wiggle, squirm, toss, turn, crunch]
Merry: What is all that crunching.. did you snag the peanut brittle?
Pippin: Ummmmm peanut brittle... uh.. no.. this crunchy ground isn't comfortable I keep getting little pokie frond thingies in my bum!
Merry: Eeewww!
Pippin: Well, not IN my bum.. but they are poking me fierce! How long has it been since I have slept in a real bed?
Merry: [yawn] Can't you count on your fingers [yawn]Probably since Lorien anyway.. I don't think the nest at Treebeard's Pad counts.
Pippin: Noooo.. A real bed.. you know with sheets and pillows...
Merry: Well, Rivendell then [yawn] but I could sleep [yawn] anywhere I am so tired. [yawn, rubs eyes]
Pippin: Some people have all the luck...
Merry: No I just took some sleeping pills...[yawn]
Pippin: Got any left? [Merry shakes head no] Fine! Hog them all! You get the sleeping pills, and get to ride with Gandalf!
Merry: Oh... yeeaah that was great! NOT! [yawn] He has grown or something.. I kept slipping down off the end of the horse's bum..
Pippin: (snork) Well, what did you find out.. I know you are quite as annoying and curious as me!
Merry: Not quite.. but you probably heard everything we said...[yawn]
Pippin: Has he changed at all?
Merry: Well, other than pushing me off the horse, I think he has some new vitamins...or maybe he switched meds when he was in Lothlorien...[yawn] his mood swings seem more dramatic.. like a woman with PMS!
Pippin: Oh dear!
Merry: [yawn]Well, he is more powerful than Saruman now.. didn't you see how he destroyed his staff?
Pippin: No.. I was watching.. well, that glass ball [glancy eye thing]
Merry: Hey! You are doing the glancy eye thing!
Pippin: [glancing away] Uh.. well, [looking desperately at his friend Merry]I stopped it from rolling into the pond.. finders keepers I say...[pout]
Merry: So that is what is bugging you...
Pippin: It was so heavy...[mutter, mutter]
Merry: Well, you should forget it.. don't forget what they say.. Don't meddle with the hair of Wizards, for it is long and quick to tangle...
Pippin: That is not what they say... it is Don't meddle with the affairs of Wizards.. for they are sneaky and keep many women...
Merry: [snork] Gandalf having an affair... [snicker]
Pippin: [snicker] Well, I still want to know about the ball... do you think they use it in a special magical wizard game...
Merry: One where young folks fly around on broomsticks and the like?
Pippin: Yeah.. and other people go around bapping other balls, and you try to catch the little balls..
Merry: You said balls.. [snicker]
Aragorn: [roused from sleep] SHUT UP YOU TWO.. Or I'll tie up both your balls! [rolls over]
Pippin: [snicker]
Merry: [snork-yawn] Go to sleep Pip.. we'll find out soon enough...
Pippin: I just hate waiting...it is like making this book into a movie...and then.. making the viewers wait a year between each film!
Merry: Be glad you aren't in Star Wars...
Pippin: Good point!
Merry: Don't worry Pip..[yawn] when have Tooks outdone Brandybucks for inquisitiveness...I ask you?[yawn]
Pippin: [snork] Like always..
Merry: Well, I will try and be really annoying tomorrow...[yawn] maybe you'll get to bug Gandalf tomorrow.
Pippin: [whining] But I want to bug him noowwwwwwwww!
Merry: Shhh.. or Aragorn will wake up....[yawn]You can't bug him now... or get the ball.. go to sleep..[yawn][snore]
Pippin: I hate it when people just drop off like that..[scowls at Merry]
Palantir: [soft whispery sound] Oh Pip.. my young attractive hobbit friend.. aren't you going to come talk to me? I am just sitting here waiting.. c'mon.. I am lonely wrapped up in this old man's rags.. come free me...please... pretty please, with ice cream.. [Pippin's ears perk up]yes.. chocolate ice cream...[little smile] and whipped cream.. [licks lips]that's right.. [slowly stands up]come on over.. [looking all around]uh uh.. [tip toes over to Gandalf]and cherries on top...
Odd Narrator: Driven by some impulse beyond his control..[snork] Oh. who are we kidding it was the lure of food.. that drew Pippin to the ball...
(Bridget Chubb)
Pippin: Mmm...ice cream...[suddenly stops] Hey, wait a minute! It must be 50 degrees out here, at least! How the heck do you have unmelted ice cream?
Palantir: It's that astronaut ice cream. You know, the freeze-dried stuff.
Pippin: Ew. That sounds disgusting.
Palantir: Hey, it's ice cream, all right? You think Grumpy Gandalf's going to buy you ice cream anytime soon? NO! This is your only chance, bub!
Pippin: OK, now I'm getting creeped out. And freeze dried ice cream still sounds gross.
Palantir: Fine. *sigh* Forget the ice cream. What I can give you is a peep show, plus a chance to make Gandalf mad. That's always fun, right?
Pippin: [brightening] Heck yeah!
Odd Narrator: Pippin ran over to where Gandalf lay sleeping.
Pippin: Ew...he should really think about keeping his legs together when he's in his nightgown.
Odd Narrator: Luckily the sight of Gandalf the White unpantsed had already scared the guards away, so Pippin was not caught (yet). VERY luckily, actually, as Pippin had forgotten to watch out for them when he got out of bed...
Pippin: Oops. [pause] Hey, what do you mean, "yet"?
Odd Narrator: [quickly] Umm...Anyway, so the hobbit hurried over to Gandalf and took the Bludger... er I mean Palantir. He then placed a round stone at Gandalf's side and tiptoed away.
Pippin: [takes palantir] Woohoo! You're mine now, baby! [runs away]
Odd Narrator: Ahem [taps foot]
Pippin: What?...Oh, um, right. [He glances around, picks up a rock and lobs it in Gandalf's direction.]
Gandalf: @^#$@!%!! What the (@&#%? Can't a guy get any sleep around here? If that fool of a Took's still up, he's getting a spanking!
Pippin: Eek! My bum! NOW can I run away?
Odd Narrator: You better, or you won't have a bum left! Have you ever been spanked by an all-powerful wizard?
Pippin: EEK!
Odd Narrator: Our mischievous hero ran down a hillock...
Pippin: Hold up. That wasn't on the vocab list. What's a hillock?
Odd Narrator: Um...a hill.
Pippin: I see...
[awkward silence]
[Pip opens his mouth]
Odd Narrator: Look. Don't say it, OK? Take it up with someone else, I just read the script! Now then, Pippin ran down the hillock, sat down, and looked into the ball.
Pippin: Ooh...pretty colors...Hey, it's a disco ball!
Palantir: I am not, you idiot! I'm a Palantir...a Seeing Stone of Gondor...you know, a BIG DEAL! Disco ball! Hmph!
Pippin: Sheesh, sorry! Chill out, dude!
Palantir: Oh, all right. Come here, you adorable thing you. Look closer...
Odd Narrator: Pippin leaned closer to the Bludger...I mean bowling ball...I mean palantir [palantir glares at ON] Sorry! Anyway, Pippin leaned closer, and saw many bright lights revolving inside the ball.
Pippin: Whoa...that Entdraught must have had some residual effects...[pause] Hey, where'd I learn that word?
Odd Narrator: SHH! This thing's long enough already! ANYway, he looked into the blu...palantir. He saw lots of pretty lights. Then suddenly all the lights went out.
Pippin: Eeek! I'm scared of the dark! MOMMMYYYYYYYY! [passes out]
Odd Narrator: The cry would have woken up the entire camp, except that they were already awake since Gandalf had been running around trying to find the rock-thrower. The guards rushed down the hill, hoping like heck that Gandalf wouldn't realize that they had been shielding their eyes from the sight of the wizard in his thin white nightgown (and nothing else) instead of guarding the camp.
(Celebrian3G)
Gandalf: Tom fool of a Took, this is a pain in my posterior! Worse than that time I fell off Shadowfax drunk and impaled myself on my staff! How could you??
Merry: Uuh, Gandalf? Pippin is still unconscious and pale.
Aragorn: And that was way too much information. I'm not going to be able to sleep with that vision in my head. Yuck.
Pippin (in a high Pee Wee Herman kind of voice): You're getting nothing more from me, Saruman, you jerk!!! I'm sending over my boys to get IT!!! So There!!! Deal with it!!
Gandalf: Pippin, snap out of it! (Shakes him then gives him a couple vigorous slaps to the face)
Pippin: (sits up) Okay!!! I'm a hobbit, not a Vulcan!! Sheesh.
Gandalf: So what did Sauron have to say?
Pippin: Sauron?? Oh is that who that was? His voice sounds funny over the globy thing. It was a bad connection.
Palantir: (indignantly) Excuse me?? I have digital quality sound, I'll have you know!!
Pippin: Sorry honey, I've got to say something..(whispers) I wasn't really paying attention. The lights were pretty groovy, I think I saw Hendrix!
Gandalf: (clears throat loudly)
Pippin: Sorry. He wants IT. He saw me, asked for the password, I didn't know it. He found out that I was a hobbit too.
Gandalf: Great. Thanks, Pippin. (Hands the Palantir to Aragorn.) Here Aragorn, this is your problem now. Don't use the battery up calling Arwen. It's for emergencies only. The airtime is limited.
[A large shadow appears overhead, gets no response, so circles again. Finally he does the seagull thing on Gandalf.]
Gandalf: (shaking his fist at the shadow) That was my only nightshirt in white, you vile creature!! Now I'll have to wear my grey ones!!!
(Idril)
Continuity girl: Surely not! Winged beasts are really large, plus they eat carrion. It wouldn't quite be like a seagull... more like if an oliphaunt flew over and dropped a load on you that smelled like dog poo. In fact it would probably take out the entire company, not just Gandalf's jammies.
Odd Narrator: It's just for a comic effect, sheesh! Why do you take things so literally?
Continuity girl: <shrug> That's just the way I am!
(Celebrian3G)
Odd Narrator: After dressing quickly (the screams of the others made him hurry a little), Gandalf jumped on Shadowfax and snagged Pippin by the back of the shirt. He placed him in front of him and turned to the others.
Gandalf: (clears throat importantly)
Pippin: I have some lozenges if you're having trouble....
Gandalf: (ignoring Pippin) The homeboys of the Dark Lord have crossed the River, again. Hurry up and leave the stragglers, run for your lives!!!!
Odd Narrator: And with that, he spurred Shadowfax, and he and Pippin ran off into the night...
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: ... leaving the slack-jawed company to recover as best they could. When Merry found out that they were to ride again that night, he was not a happy camper...
Merry: Crud! I don't want to have to ride again! I want to sleep! Stupid Pippin.
Aragorn: Okay, stay here then. But I think another Nazgul will be coming by shortly.
Merry: Hrrmpph. You're expecting me to squeak aren't you. Well Homey don't play that game.
Aragorn: You might have squeaked louder than Pippin had you been the one to look in the seeing stone, who knows?
Merry: Sigh... no telling. Let me grab Pippin's stuff and I'll be ready to go.
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile Shadowfax was racing across the plains bearing a worried wizard and a swooning hobbit.
Pippin: Swooning?
Odd Narrator: Right... from the shock.
Pippin: Shock?
Odd Narrator: Hello? The shock of seeing THE evil guy in this story? Are you going to blow that off?
Pippin: OH! Ooops... right! <swoon>
Odd Narrator: As they passed the Fords of Isen, Pippin began to feel better. The cool air was refreshing and he felt safe and warm in Gandalf's arms.
Pippin: Sheesh! Make up your mind!
Odd Narrator: Grrrr.
Gandalf: Now stop twitting the Narrator, he's only doing his job.
Pippin: Okay. As long as I don't have to swoon anymore. Wow... how fast are we going? It seems fast but we're not bouncing very much.
Gandalf: That's Shadowfax for you... he's better than a crummy humvee anyday.
Pippin: Huh?
Gandalf: Never mind.
Pippin: Hmmm... Gandalf, I didn't know you rode bareback!
Odd Narrator: Bareback? Isn't that a might uncomfy when you aren't wearing pants?
Gandalf: Hello! I am wearing pants! Remember the gi? Why do you people have this weird obsession with my package?
Odd Narrator: Hey, now who's twitting the narrator?
Pippin: <snicker> He got ya there.
Gandalf: Hmmph.
Odd Narrator: Gandalf pouted for a bit and then Pippin heard him singing to himself...
We three kings from Numenor fled
Our kin worshipped Melkor, now they're all dead
Punished for rancor
It sank like an anchor
Now Middle Earth's our home instead
Noo... not that one... hmmmm hhmmmm
This old king, he played seven
He played knick-nack up in heaven....
Nooo that's not it either... ah fudge! Anyway, I know there were seven of them.
Pippin: Seven what?
Gandalf: Seven Palantiri... seeing stones.
Pippin: What are they?
Gandalf: They were a great treasure of the kings of old. With them the kings could communicate with each other over great distances. They were made by the Noldor elves long ago.
Pippin: So why did it show the Dark Lord?
Gandalf: Sauron apparently has gotten hold of another of the seven. He must have used it to trap Saruman.
Pippin: How can a seeing stone trap someone?
Gandalf: Well, it's like watching Jerry Springer. At first you think you'll just peek at it a bit... just to see how freaky it's going to be and laugh at the stupid people. Then before you know it you're hooked and you're taping it when you aren't home.
Pippin: Ah! I see! (whispers) not.
(BunnieBugs)
Gandalf: And how it draws you in! Makes you long to use it...
Pippin: Actually, it promised me chocolate ice cream...
Gandalf: But you got the Dark Lord instead. Just a bait-and-switch, really. And incidentally, it wasn't the palantir he wanted: it was you!
Pippin: Me!? I wish I'd known! I didn't know what I was doing...
Gandalf: HA! You knew you were being naughty, and you didn't care!
Pippin: I resemble--I mean, RESENT that!
Gandalf: Nevertheless, you know it's true.
Pippin: No, it isn't.
Gandalf: Yes, it is.
Pippin: (pouts silently)
Gandalf: Anyway, I expect you've learned your lesson.
Pippin: Damn straight! That thing will never tempt me again with it's talk of ice cream, or pork chops, or berry pie, or fruit cake, or... Dang! I'm getting hungry!
Gandalf: Mercy! I could spend the rest of my days trying to fill up your hunger and never manage to do it! What is it that you want?
Pippin: Hmmm... Italian... No! Chinese. Mmmm. No, wait! I've got it! Do you think we could swing by Helm's Deep and get a few of those Hornburgers?
Gandalf: (sigh) I think we could manage it.
Pippin: YESSS!! And don't forget the fries...
(Russ)
Gandalf: Of course not! But if you'll take my advice Peregrin Took, you'll have the onion rings instead! No better taters will you find than those of the Shire, but of the savory rings, dipped in batter and fried to a golden brown, there none so wondrous in all of middle earth than those which are made at the top of the rock!
Pippin: Super-sized?
Gandalf: Natch.
Pippin: I'm in!
[later, on the road to Helm's Deep]
Pippin: Gandalf?
Gandalf: You're hungry.
Pippin: Well, yes, but I can wait until later. At the moment I was wondering about the black shadow. What was it and what could it do at Isengard? Was it coming for me? Did it know I had looked into the globy-thingy? If two Nazgul left Barad-Dur, one on the wing and traveling at. . .
Gandalf: ENOUGH! I have no patience for story problems tonight! But you are right, the dark shadow was one of the Nine, a winged Nazgul. Without the Palan. . .er, Globy-thingy, Saruman cannot return Sauron's call's, and voice mail is a poor substitute. The Dark Lord will have sent his fell courier with a more "meaningful" message, if you take my meaning!
Pippin: Can Saruman resist the Nazgul?
Gandalf: I do not know. I will say this much, though Isengard be ruined, Saruman may be able to resist them yet. The tower of Orthanc was made by powers far older than the Nine.
Pippin: The Valar?
Gandalf: A.F.L.-C.I.O.
Pippin:(shivers) Ooooooooo!
Gandalf: Indeed! But I cannot see how it will end. Sauron may discover that the Hobbits are abroad with me or that Elendil's heir has returned. Either way it sucks in spades! And that is why we fly, not from danger, but into greater danger!
Pippin: Excuse me?
Gandalf: Every step of Shadowfax brings you nearer to the land of shadow Peregrin Took!
Pippin: But. . .
Gandalf: See now!, here lies our eastward road! The Dark Shadow yonder is the mouth of Deeping-Coomb and beyond that lies the Hof-Brau, and Hornburgers!
Pippin: Um, I'm not so hungry anymore.
Gandalf: What?
Shadowfax: What?
Legolas: What?
Bilbo:(in Rivendell) What?
Gaffer:(in the Shire) What?
Ted Sandyman: (also in the Shire) I SAID, I didn't say anything!
Sauron: HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!!!!
Gandalf: Very well then, to Minas Tirith before the seas of war surround it!
Pippin: Still closer to Mordor?
Gandalf: Of course.
Pippin: I don't feel good. Is it far?
Gandalf: 'bout a hundred clicks as the Nazgul flies. But Shadowfax must run a longer course. We'll stop in a Edoras for a bite and a howdy do, then it's off to Minas Tirith.
Pippin: Gee, you're just full of good news!
Gandalf: We aim to please! Now Shadowfax, Run! Run like an Olympian on steroids!
Odd Narrator: And so on they went, fire flew from the hooves of the Great Horse and as they ran, Pippin had a sudden thought as he drifted off to sleep:
Pippin: We could have gotten them to go! D'oh!