(Thranduilion)
Thran: Hi guys! I'm filling in for the narrator because he seems to be, uh, on a break or something. Yeah! So where are we? Okay.
Thran: Coolio. So Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas passed through the ruined tunnel and stood upon a heap of stones, gazing at the dark rock-
Idril: HOLD IT, hold it.
Thran: What?
Idril: Three things. First, you can't write yourself into the movie, especially not as a narrator.
Thran: Aww, but-
Idril: SECOND, you took that sentence straight from the book.
Thran: But-
Idril: And third, I believe I called dibs on the opening paragraph.
Thran: But- Oh, fine. Grrrr.
Legolas: [butting in] Plus you haven't written ANYTHING about me! Last chapter you didn't give me any lines at all, miss Thrandulion! If you don't get your act in gear, your days of target practice with AK here are OVER!!!
AK: What he said! [whispering] I love it when you talk tough, honey!
Thran: No, Legolas, anything but that!!!
Legolas: [taps foot impatiently] I believe you should be TYPING, not TALKING?!!!
Thran: Oh, right. [typetypetype]
[Take 2]
III.10. The Voice of Saruman
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Opal the Narrator: They passed through the ruined tunnel and beheld a scene of devastation like they'd never before imagined. Everything except for the great impenetrable tower of black was destroyed. The retaining walls encircling Isengard had been reduced to piles of wreckage, letting in the destructive water and sand. Nothing was left of the dozens of the family homes except bits and pieces scattered throughout the circle... and the sand had invaded everything. Everywhere one looked there were the signs of ordinary lives disrupted and ordinary hopes dashed... refrigerators, roofs of houses, televisions, couches, clothing and children's toys were strewn at random. Here a family picture floats in a stagnant puddle of seawater. And there, a sailboat lies on its side, half-buried in sand. The residents were...Merry: Excuse me?
Opal the Narrator: Yes?
Merry: That doesn't sound like Isengard to me. I don't believe Isengard has sailboats.
Opal the Narrator: Alright, delete the sailboat.
Merry: Or sand... or family homes. What are you describing?
Opal the Narrator: Ummmm... Destin, Florida 1995... sorry. I don't know what Isengard looks like.
Merry: Sheesh!
Opal the Narrator: But I'm sure it's similar, except for the sand and the boat... and the houses.
Merry: And the cars and televisions.
Opal the Narrator: Yes... other than that it's pretty close, huh?
Merry: (rolls eye) Ahhhh... right. Well thanks! That was great!
Opal the Narrator: Okay, any time!
Merry: Well everyone, be careful, apparently the bio-lab got flooded and there's hypodermic needles scattered around. Ick.
Thran: (snicker)
(Thranduilion)
Legolas: Hey look, it's Mithrandir, with Theoden and his buddies! Let's go meet them.
Merry: W-
Legolas: Walk warily though, as I can see loose slabs that could tip us into the pit.
Merry: [sigh]
The Five Companions: trudgetrudgetrudge
Gandalf: Well, this looks familiar!
Legolas: Hi Gandalf! How did it go with Treebeard?
Gandalf: Uh, just fine. We had some interesting discussions and-
Legolas: Made a few plans? Yeah, I know how that goes. We rested and refreshed ourselves, you should be glad to know!
Merry: [sigh]
Gandalf: One last thing, I need to s-
Legolas: Say farewell to Saruman? I'm right there with you. I think he and I have some unfinished business.
Gandalf: [glances at Aragorn, whispering] Has this been going on long?
Aragorn: [in a normal voice] Just since that screenwriter came back. I think he was mad at her for neglecting him, or something.
Legolas: [blinks innocently]
Gandalf: Well, I think someone has dibs on the next major scene, so we shouldn't have to-
Legolas: Deal with this much longer? I think you're right about that.
Gandalf: Whatever. You want to just take the rest?
Legolas: Okay! [clears throat] So we're all going to pay a farewell visit to Saruman, and Gimli wants to come to see if he really looks like Gandalf, (which is silly because a great wizard like the Man could look like an overgrown turnip to your eyes if he wanted to)
Gimli: Huh?
Legolas: -and all the Ents have removed themselves from the sight of Orthanc so Saruman might come out and Pippin-
Pippin [mouth full of mushrooms he found while waiting for his next line]: MHuhph?
Legolas: -is wondering about what kind of danger Saruman still could be when defeated like this and Gandalf thinks - and I agree -
Gandalf: [sigh]
Legolas: -that it's the power of his voice is still a danger, and a cornered wild beast has the sharpest teeth. Oh look, we're at the tower. Hi Orthanc!
Stones of Orthanc: You cannot harm me, you puny two-legs!
Legolas: So Gandalf and Theoden are definitely going up, and Eomer will accompany Theoden and Aragorn will accompany Gandalf and all is hunky-dory
Gimli: hunky-dory?
Legolas: Until Gimli speaks for me and says-
Gimli [in a rush]: LEGOLASANDIWANTACLOSERVIEW!
Legolas: And Gandalf agrees.
Gandalf: Come then!
Legolas: Whew! I think I need to shut up for a while now!
Riders of Rohan: [who have been lurking behind Theoden during all of the above] Knaht Ratavuli!
Legolas: Oh, one last thing, Merry and Pippin stay at the bottom with the rest of the riders.
Pippin: [sigh]
Merry [to Pippin, when the others are out of sight]: He forgot the weed. "Our discussions began and ended in smoke." Best line in the chapter. Never hire an elf as a narrator, remember that, Pip.
Pip: Mph, righth onmph. Wan shum muphroomphs?
(Silarien)
Gandalf: [Beating on the door of Orthanc] Saruman, come forth!
New but Gullible Narrator: Oooh, my turn. I'm so excited ... After a little while, a window opens above.
Wormtongue: Saruman the White so did not come fourth! He came first. You're just wearing his frock and impersonating him.
Gandalf: No, I don't do impersonations ... Oh, hang on, there is this one.
'Ah did not have sessual relations with that woman.'
Theoden: I recognize that voice, and curse the day I first heard it.
Gandalf: Oh, and there's this one of Dubya
'Actually, I .. this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about ... when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.'
Wormtongue: Stop wasting time.
Gandalf: Spoilsport, there's squillions more like that. Okay, fetch Saruman as you have become his footma... footeunuch.
Gullible Narrator: Is he allowed to say that? Oh, Brief Pause
Enchanting Voice: I hath but only had two hour's sleep. Thou wokest me as I dreamt of World Peace and Food Parcels.
Gullible Narrator: They all gazed up, slack jawed, at the nice, kindly, old man standing at the rail, resembling Gandalf.
Gimli: Snap!
Legolas: Nah, check out the new guy's technicolour cloak. Neat, eh?
Enchanting Voice: Two of thoust I knowest by name; Gadflan and Theenod. Oh Theenod thou lookest real purty, noble, wise, mighty, rich, famous and desirable. Though thou hast donneth me wrong, I wilst, mineself, payeth thine insurance policy against every eventuality including Outbreaks of War and Acts of Valar.
Gullible Narrator: Theoden seemed at once flattered and dumbstruck. The riders also appeared to be of the opinion that the technicolour cloak was neater than Gandalf's. I think so too. Saruman's a real nice guy. Gandalf is kind of scruffy and uncouth in comparison.
Gimli: [waving his axe at Saruman] YOU'RE TALKING OUT OF YOUR A**, ORTHANC HEAD!
Saruman: BUTT OUT, DUMPY!
Enchanting Voice: Pray, let me conclude my discourse with Theenod, oh most valient and interrupting of the vertically challenged ... Ah, Theenod, shall we sitteth together on the council? May I sticketh mine plasters on thine wounds?
Gullible Narrator: I think Theoden's still with me on this one, but he's starting to look a bit cross-eyed. Personally, I think it's obvious who the good guy is.
Eomer: [talking loudly, with his mouth right up against Theoden's ear] Lord, this is all Awoo Woo Woo Woo Words. So would the cornered warg speak to the hounds. Saruman is a SNAKE.
Saruman: AND YOU'RE AN ASP!
Enchanting Voice: Thou art but brave cannon fodder, oh blondest one, who knowest not politics nor the finer points of topiary. Forsooth, so a few soldiers snuffest it; we councillors can still shaketh hands and maketh peace. Now prithee could I most humbly beg to speaketh to the Organ Grinder?
Gullible Narrator: Go on, Theo, shake hands.
Theoden: squeak... [clears throat] Alright, the Organ Grinder speaks. YES! We will have peace. We will have lots of peace. We will have lots of pieces ... of YOU, Paw of Mordor ... giblets and eyeballs, liver and spleen, bowels and b*ll*cks, entrails and fingernails .... Need I go on?
Gullible Narrator: Er, here's my resignation.
(merithehobbit)
Saruman: [to self] D'oh! The "voice" didn't work on him.. lemme try on Gandalf... Ahem... [clears throat]
Enchanting Voice: Well, Gandalf you most wise of all our class of Wizards, indeed you Gandalf who graduated Summa Cum Laude from the greatest of Istari Schools.. How delightful has your hair become after your last visit to the beauty parlor, I told you that you should've had that crème rinse and color last time you were here.
Gandalf: That's not what I remember.. aren't there a few things you would like to kiss up about?
Enchanting Voice: Moi? Surely not? I am merely a humble servant of the big wigs over the sea... I am only here to help everyone on this miserable little plot of soil we call Middle Earth... for surely it is so undeveloped and has much to grow, and in my eagerness to help the poor souls of Middle Earth, I may have overstepped my bounds on occasion, we are both of the same order, you know how I get when I am on a mission? I am such a compassionate and loving guy... Why don't you just come up for a cup of tea Gandee? I am willing to overlook some of the things you have done against me... because I know you were misled as to my intentions.. won't you come and talk it over? Wormie up here has made some fabulous crumpets?
Odd Narrator: After this lovely paragraph with his silky voice the small assembly at the foot of the tower began to wonder about Saruman and Gandalf's relationship... and thought that tea and crumpets was a jolly good notion...but then...as if a spell had been broken Gandalf suddenly guffawed.
Gandalf: BWAHAHAHAAA! Saruie.. you are such a freakin tease.. who knew you would do so good at kissing a##, especially when you made such an idiot of yourself in drama class. Last time I was here you weren't such a nice guy.. Where was the tea and crumpets then? Or is it just Wormtongue's presence that brings out the dainties? I sort of remember something about making me fly all the way to the top of your tower with the moths and things...I don't think you have any decent tea anyway, I checked the pantry before we had our Smackdown. No.. I won't talk to you unless you come down here.
Pippin: [whispering to Merry] Did you hear that... he has tea and crumpets (bounces up and down with glee)
Merry: Pip, didn't you listen to the whole paragraph? Gandalf himself said he checked the pantry.. and you know how thorough he can be in a pantry!
Pippin: Oh.. you're right.. he must be lying then.. although he didn't do the glancy eye thing.
Merry: That's because you can't see his eyes.
Pippin: Oh.. yeah..
Odd Narrator: Ahem.. shhh.
Merry and Pippin: Sorrreeeee! Sheesh!
Saruman: DANG! I mean.. NO! You JERK and a half! Why would I come down there with you and your friends and all their pokie sharp objects aimed at me.. it is crazy.. like answering the door when you can clearly see a solicitor out the peephole.. sure doom and folly!
Gandalf: I should have known, you probably don't even answer the door for Girl Scouts. Well, this is your last chance, you can leave Orthanc if you want, free and clear...
Saruman: Oh. Sure, try to get me to leave so you can come and take over Orthanc... I am sure you'd love my waterbed and Jacuzzi! Why would I want to leave anyway.. I have the best cell phone reception and cable TV service in the land... there is no reason for me to leave!
Gandalf: Well, you only have to look out the window to see that this place is a floating, stinking pig sty, not to mention that we knocked out the cable TV service with the little flood thing... all 247 channels should be rather dull and staticy... but you also might want to get out of Dodge because the EYE may just be looking this way after too long... and well, if you aren't here... I won't tell him where you are!
Saruman: [muttering] No cable? What the Mordor kind of life would that be.. dang... hmmmm [to Gandalf] Well, you hairstyle copier... I suppose there are conditions?
Odd Narrator: Off in a back bedroom lurks our most disgusting acquaintance Wormtongue who has just realized the cable is out.
Wormtongue: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! No cable.. what kind of Tower is this if they don't have cable.. I can't believe it! Twerp Saruman.. always making me do stuff and what do I get? Well, I will show him... [stomps around knocking lamps and knick knacks over and making a mess as he stomps up stairs]
Saruman: [noticing the turmoil behind him] Psssst... Wormie... shut UP! I am trying to get us out of this mess... you little slimy moocher... everyone knows you just want the X rated channels, and I had them filtered out last month anyway... too many Orcs slacking off on the job watching "Chick Orc Dominatrix" and the like. Won't do you any good anyway, now that Gandalf had his way with you... Eunuch boy!
Wormtongue: [glare] Well, see if I make you any more crumpets... you... you... grrrrrrr... [stomps off up the stairs cursing]
Saruman: [raises long-fingernailed hand] Can it! We'll talk about this later!
Gandalf: Well, of course, lets see... (whips out the whiteboard)
Theoden: AAAACK!
Eomer: [holding up sword] I will protect you from the bewitching magic of the Whiteboard...
Gandalf: Calm down, it is just easier to write on than a shirt.
Theoden: [glaring warily] Well, OK..
Eomer: [watching Gandalf in awe, nudges Theoden] Check out his handwriting, I have never seen anyone write so well!
On the Whiteboard:
Saruman gets out free if we get the following conditions:
- Keys to Orthanc, along with all instructions and warranty information of operating machinery (Jacuzzi, TV hookups etc.).
- Remote control to the TV.
- Surrender your manicurist.
- Don't steal the towels when you leave.
- You must trim back those scraggly eyebrows.
Saruman: NO WAY, you might as well ask me to dress up and start doing the Cancan! Trim my eyebrows indeed...
Gandalf: Oh... that would be even better... I love the Cancan... do you have a good dress up closet we could use?
Saruman: Hello.. sarcasm.. We had a whole course on it?
Gandalf: Oh.. sorry.. I lost my train of thought.. oh. Yes our demands.
Saruman: Like I said.. NO WAY... you can forget it.. I am done with this conversation! I am a busy wizard, and I don't have time to deal with you and your smelly buddies, and small rag-tags that dangle at your feet! [walks out of sight]
Aragorn and the gang: [glare]
Hobbits: [glare]
Rohan: [glare]
Gandalf: [revives booming, commanding, Oscar Nominated Performance Voice] SARUMAN! YOU SHALL NOT SLINK! GET YOU'RE FOOL OF AN ISTARI BUTT BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!
Pippin: [nudges Merry] Hey.. did you hear that.. he used "Fool of a..." for someone other than me!
Merry: Oh.. you're in good company!
Pippin: [scowl] grrrr... no respect...
Odd Narrator: Saruman came back to the window as if a magnet was pulling him against his will, and he was gasping for breath and looked gaunt and aged.
Legolas: Whoa.. that make-up department sure is quick...
(BunnieBugs)
Gandalf: Saruman, we're not done until I say we're done. In a nutshell: you're a twit! We offer you the best plea-bargain in the history of Middle Earth, and you choose to blow it off! Well, fine! Be that way! You can stay locked up in your tower until Sauron comes for you. For, BEHOLD! No longer am I the drab and unstylish Gandalf the Grey! Now I am THE MIGHTY WHITEY!
Pippin: Ooooh!
Merry: Aaaah!
Legolas and Gimli: (yawn) Seen it.
Gandalf: You're not part of the club anymore. So, nyah! Oh, and your staff is toast.
[Saruman's staff disintegrates in his hand, and the head falls at Gandalf's feet.]
Gandalf: That's funny. I never noticed how much that looks like a golf ball retriever... (to Saruman) Now, scat! Shoo!
Saruman: Aye, caramba! [falls down and crawls away.]
Odd Narrator: At that moment a heavy, round, hard, shiny object came flying out of a window above...
Object: Cowabunga!! Free at last! Yo... Look out below!
Odd Narrator: It bounced off the iron rail...
Object: [pitoong!] Wheeee...!
Odd Narrator: ...and just missed Gandalf's head...
Object: Whoops! Coming through...
Odd Narrator: ...and smashed the stair he was standing on.
Object: [smash!] Yee hah!
Odd Narrator: The railing snapped, the stair cracked and splintered, but the ball, a crystal globe with a fiery center, was unharmed.
Object: Ta da! Whoa, whoa, not into the puddle! Yikes... no brakes!
[Pippin saves the Object from rolling into the water.]
Object: My hero!
Pippin: Ooh, pretty...
Object: Thanks! (blush) You can call me Palantir.
Eomer: That jerk tried to kill you!
Gandalf: Nay, that poorly aimed rock was thrown by Wormtongue, not Saruman... (calls loudly) Hey! Eunuch! You throw like a girl!
Aragorn: Perhaps he was trying to kill two wizards with one stone...
Gandalf: Could be. Well, Orthanc should be a fun place to live for awhile! Those two deserve each other, that's for sure.
[Pippin is coming up the steps slowly, bearing the Palantir]
Palantir: ...and will you stay and talk to me for awhile?
Pippin: I... think Gandalf... better take you... for now...
Palantir: Promise we can chat later?
Pippin: ...yeah... sure...
Gandalf: Hey! Give that here! How many times do I have to tell you: look, but don't touch! [takes the Palantir and wraps it in his cloak] Saruman's not going to be happy when he finds out this is missing...
Gimli: Maybe WE should be missing, as well, in case they start throwing other things...
Gandalf: Good thought. Let's make ourselves scarce!
(RUSSELLBor)
[Gandalf, Theoden and the others head down the steps of orthanc to the waiting riders]
Riders: Hail to Theoden, Rohan King, Faced Saruman's pipes, ain't no thing!
Cursed him to his face, a mighty fine plan,
Hail to the Chief! Theo you da man!
Theoden: It's good to be the king.
Gandalf: Well, now that's over. Where is Treebeard? We need to have a rap session
Merry: He must have guessed surely? Could things have ended up any other way?
Gandalf: No they couldn't and don't call me Shirley. But I had reasons for trying; some merciful, but mostly I just wanted to see the look on his face when I kicked his smooth talking butt! Cancel MY expense account will he! Lock ME in the quiet room! Well I showed his sorry a** just who has pull back in Valinor! (mutters) take away my card key, no executive bathroom privileges, the nerve of some. . .(turns back to face Orthanc) I KICKED A BALROGS A**!!! YOU SNOT-NOSED, CHEESE-EATIN', STAFF-STEALING, ORC-LOVING, DOCUMENT-SHREDDING, SHORT-SELLING, N*S*Y*N*C*-LISTENING SON-OF-A-B******!!!!!!!! YOU AIN'T ALL THAT!
Pippin: Well I guess you told him!
Gandalf: Damn straight!
Pippin: So now what?
Gandalf: Nothing. I gave him a chance to help out, fair and square, but he turned it down. He'd better hope the Lord of Mordor doesn't come sniffing around or his goose will be soooo cooked! We may not be able to break Orthanc, but Sauron is one king-hell Bad-ass! Who knows what he can do?
Pippin: What if Sauron loses? What are you going to do to him?
Gandalf: Me? Well, I can't kill him unfortunately. But I'm not too worried. He's already lost much, I doubt there are many treasures in Orthanc that are worth more than this little bauble. (pats object Wormtongue threw down at them)
Sarumans voice from Tower: That was NOT my bowling ball you moron!
Wormtongue: Oh, gee, sorry I thoug...AIEEEEEEE.......gack.
Gandalf: And it would seem that Saruman agrees! (snicker)
[party rides off. cut to ruins of the gate and arch. treebeard and a dozen ents come striding up]
Aragorn: You have GOT to be sh****** me!
Gimli: I second that!
Legolas: I think he's kind of cute.
Gandalf: Hello treebeard, these are the ones I was telling you about, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Gimli, the Dwarf and Legolas from Mirkwood.
Treebeard: So, Mirkwood eh? Far-out! That was groovy wood in its day!
Merry: (snicker)
Legolas: Still is. But it's got nothing on Fangorn. Fangorn is, well, . . .
Treebeard: Groovy?
Legolas: That's it! Groovy!
Treebeard: Far out man. yeah, we like, dig Elves man. You can drop in and crash or just, like, hang out y'know? Anytime man.
Legolas: That is sooo cool! Gimli and I would just love to. . .
Treebeard: Whoa man! Not so hasty! Dwarves are like, such a downer man, a real bad trip, dig?
Legolas: Not Gimli! He's a righteous dude! His axe is for Orc necks, not trees! He has 42 confirmed kills.
Treebeard: I can dig that. Orcs are so like right-angled man.
Gimli: Wha. . .?
Gandalf: (whispers) square.
Gimli: Ah, I, um, dig it?
Treebeard: Right-on Bro!
(Thranduilion)
Treebeard: Won't you cool cats stay and-
Pippin [whispering to Merry]: Cats? Is that another homework thing I was supposed to do?
Merry [whispering]: No, that's just the way he talks, remember?
Pippin: Oh.
Treebeard [continuing]: We can chill some more - but only if you're down with that, man.
Gandalf: Nope, gotta go, sorry.
Theoden: Dadgummit, I want to get me another Hornburger! [ptui!]
Eomer: What he said!
Gandalf: [taps foot]
Rohirrim: Sregrubnroh! Mmhmm.
Palantir: Ooh, so where are we going now?
Gandalf: Sh! [glances around impatiently]
Pippin: [peers over at Palantir] Ow! Merry, what'd you hit me for?
Merry: Stop peering at the globe thingy.
Gandalf: [looks at the position of the sun]
Palantir: [giggle] He called me a thingy! [giggle]
Treebeard: Well, that's cool, man, but I'll miss my little bruthahs here. We Ents won't ever forget about you. We'll sing about you forever, you dig? Put you right next to us, too:
Ents the flower-children, the groovy ones
Walkin' wide and chillin' with the sunrise
And hungry like nothin' else, the Hobbit brothers,
Spoutin' curly hair and chirpin' their song.
Gandalf: [clears throat loudly]
Treebeard: All right, my man, don't spaz. We've got time.
Gandalf: Not much, the way you're going!
Treebeard: Well, all right then. So the Man won't be coming out, will he? That heavy, real heavy. Don't you worry, my brother, we Ents will keep a good eye on him.
Gandalf: Promise?
Treebeard: Pinky swear, man.
Gandalf: And you'll fill up the caverns of Isengard with water?
Treebeard: If you say so, man, you're the boss.
Pippin [whispering to Merry]: Why are they filling up the caverns of Isengard with water?
Merry: Sh!
Pippin: You don't know either, do you? Neener neener!
Merry: Why, you little-
[Merry and Pippin scuffle]
Gandalf: AHEM! We MUST be GOING. NOW!
Treebeard: Okay, that's cool. Hey, brother elf, I'll get back to you on that visiting thing.
Legolas [starry-eyed]: Thanks, man!
Merry: OW, not the orc wound! [scufflescuffle]
Treebeard: And you, brother dwarf, we'll see about you too.
Gimli: Whatever.
Treebeard: Hey Aragorn, stay cool, man, don't worry about that king thing. Just go with the flow, you dig?
Pippin: Ackg! Can't breathe!
Merry: gerrofff!! [scufflebitetear]
Aragorn: [whimper]
Treebeard: King of Rohan! I was just stoked to meet you, man, really. You just stay the groovy cat you are.
Gandalf: [taps f-]
Treebeard: Chill, my snowy wizard friend!
Merry and Pippin: Gack! [smack][pull][tear][rip][punch]
Treebeard: Don't let life pass you by, man. Take some time. And my little bruthahs!
[Merry and Pippin stop suddenly, sheepishly. Glance at each other.]
[Silence]
Merry: Um, chirp?
Pippin: Tweet?
Treebeard: Yeah, you keep that up, that's cool. I'll see you again, no doubt. We had some good times, man, good times. Eomer! My man, good-
Impatient Narrator [begins speaking as Treebeard fades to silence]: So Treebeard took a ridiculously long time to say goodbye to everyone, including all the riders of Rohan, all the horses of Rohan, both of Pippin's pipes, Legolas' AND Gimli's hair ties, the globe thingy-
Palantir: [giggle!]
Impatient Narrator: -but finally he was finished and everybody turned the page and went on to the next chapter, the ENT.
I mean END.