(SilliMarilli)
Odd Narrator: The scene opens on the hills of Amon Hen. Aragorn, rushing through the trees. Boromir is seated, propped under a tree. Dead orc litter the forest floor. Orc arrows litter Boromir's chest. Aragorn sees him... stops short and strikes a dramatic pose.
Aragorn: [in a loud stage voice] Alas, this is a bitter end! Now the Company is all in ruin. It is I that have failed. It is all MY fault. I have failed of my birthright.
Boromir: [looks up, waves] Uh, dude... thanks, but I'm okay.
Aragorn: [he drops to Boromir's side] Alas! The last scion of the White Tree has yet to flower beneath the Tower of Ecthelion and yet the fellowship is scattered to ruin by the mighty Anduin upon the lawn of Parth Galen. Alas, mea culpa, mea culpa. [He beats his chest]
Boromir: Really, it's only a flesh wound.
Aragorn: [Arms upraised, looking to the heavens] In vain did Elrond the Half-Elven, son of Earendil the Mariner, son of Dior, who didn't do too much, son of Beren the One-handed, son of Barahir Elf-Friend and Luthien Tinuviel daughter of Melian the Maia and Thingol Lord of Doriath give me the name Estel. For I know not where I shall find hope in this hour... of.... great.... dark....ness....!
Boromir: No, really, I was just catching my second wind.
Aragorn: Alas! Boromir has laid it on me to go to Minas Tirith, and my heart desires it; but where are the Ring and the Bearer? How shall I find them and save the Quest from disaster? Ah, Boromir, is the fate of the ring now beyond us?
Boromir: [sulks to himself: Why should I answer? No one ever listens to ME.]
Aragorn: Alas! Thus passes Boromir, the heir of Denethor, Lord of the Tower of Guard! Vain was Gandalf's trust in me. What shall I do now?
Boromir: Huh? Whaddya mean "thus passes"... I'm NOT DEAD.
Aragorn: [louder] What IS it Boromir? Are you reaching for my SWORD, Anduril? HERE, let me HELP you.
Boromir: What would I wammpfthth..... [Aragorn clamps his hand over Boromir's mouth.]
Aragorn: Boromir, what is that you say? [in a high squeak as he attempts to throw his voice] "I would have followed you, my brother, my captain, my king."
Boromir: Ha! Your lips were moving! [struggles to sit up]
Aragorn: Shhhh! Be still, Boromir, you fought bravely, [shoving him back down] BE AT PEACE !
Boromir: [louder] Hel-lo! Middle Earth to Aragorn. [shouting] I'M NOT DEAD! [sits up emphatically]
Aragorn: Yes, you are. [shoves him down]
Boromir: No I'm not. [pushes Aragorn off and sits up]
Aragorn: Are too.
Boromir: Am not.
Aragorn: Are too.
Boromir: Am not.
Aragorn: Whaddya mean you're not dead! This is supposed to be MY scene.
Boromir: Your scene! Hey! I'm the one with more things sticking out of me than a porcupine in heat! This one in my chest woulda killed me if it hadn't been deflected by that.
Boromir: [pulls the Lady's book out of his shirt and drops it to the ground... it opens to the flyleaf which reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People... property of Celeborn Most Mighty Lord of the Galadrim"].
Boromir: [[snort]] A fat lot of good it did HIM.
Aragorn: Yeah yeah yeah, poor Booooromir, sooooo ignored, sooooo misunderstood, [in whiny voice] "by the blood of my people are your lands kept safe." Everybody thinks I'm just a stuck up power-junkie... my daddy's a dick and I have to protect my baby brother all the time... I went to Lothlorien and all I got was this stinking book... nya nya nya. Ha! Ha! You got re-giffffted... you got re-gifffted.
Boromir: You know, the noble thing to do here would be to whip out the athelas and get to work saving my a**!
Aragorn: [pause]
Boromir: Well, Mr. the-Hands-of-the-King-are-the-Hands-of-a-Healer, you gonna help me out or not?
Aragorn: Well.... sh*t, I'm NEVER going to be king. [He fumbles for a hold on the arrow at Boromir's chest, mumbling] Wouldn't you know it! Took me YEARS to memorize ALL those lines and ALL those names... aNOTHer big moment gone [ the arrow is wedged in tight] ... yeah, sure, fine, okay...
Boromir: Ow! Pull it out, already!
Aragorn: [still mumbling] ...and what the f*** does "mea culpa" mean anyway. [he stands up to get leverage and grabs the arrow with both hands]
Boromir: Hey! Eyes on what you're doing, o-
Aragorn: ooooofff [slips and falls against Boromir... still holding onto the arrow]
Boromir: kayuuuuh... [bleed bleed die]
Aragorn: ................................. oops
(Idril)
Aragorn: Hey wait a sec! Don't die yet. I forgot to tell you something.
Boromir: Huh? What?
Aragorn: Boromir, I am your father.
Boromir: [rolls eyes] Are you using that stupid "Star Wars" line? Just for a joke, right? Sheesh!
Aragorn: No, really! I met your Mom when I was organizing that assault on Umbar. She was one unhappy lady... Denethor is such a dick. When I'm king I'm going to outlaw arranged marriages.
Boromir: So...
Aragorn: And by that time I'd gotten the idea that I'd never get the crown except over Denethor's dead body.
Boromir: Well that sounds about right...
Aragorn: So she was miserable, and I was like... what the heck! If I can't rule Gondor at least my son can.
Boromir: But I thought you were engaged to...
Aragorn: Yeah, now there's a quandary and a half. I'm supposed go through all these dangerous journeys and risk my life on a daily basis BEFORE I can marry Arwen and get an heir. Stupid elves. Isildur's heirs don't play that game.
Boromir: Wow. If Dad had suspected he'd have... well... no telling.
Aragorn: Yeah, sorry about that. I wish I could have told you.
Boromir: That's okay I guess. He petted me. It was Faramir he treated like dirt. So is Faramir?
Aragorn: No, he's Denethor's own.
Boromir: Now that's kind of funny. [chuckles]
Aragorn: Yup. [chuckles]
Boromir: Actually quite funny! [laughs]
Aragorn: Yup! [laughs]
Boromir: OWW! Damn, I tore something loose. Alas! [bleed bleed die]
Aragorn [trying really hard to stop laughing]: Oh no! Alas a valiant son of Gondor has passed! [weeps]
[Legolas and Gimli came running into the glade.]
Legolas: Alas! We hunted and slew many orcs in the woods, but I see we were more needed here.
Gimli: What? Oh yes... hunting orcs... right! (shakes head "no" at Aragorn)
Legolas: We came when we heard the horn. Boromir! You're hurt!
Aragorn: He's dead Legolas.
Legolas: That's terrible! So young! He couldn't have been more than 300 years old.
Aragorn: He was 41.
Legolas: No way!
Aragorn: Way!
Gimli: Alas, poor Boromir. But where are the hobbits?
Aragorn: Boromir said the orcs took them alive. But I don't know if he meant all or just M&P. What is to be done now?
Legolas: He's 41?
Gimli: We must follow the orcs.
Aragorn: But we don't know what happened to Frodo. Alas, an ill choice lies before us.
Legolas: 41?
Aragorn: Well since Legolas isn't going to do his lines properly, let us put Boromir in one of the boats and send him over the falls. The River of Gondor will protect him from roving necrophiliacs.
Gimli: Good idea. We'll put his weapons and the weapons of his enemies with him... it will be a fine funeral.
Legolas: 41?
Gimli: (pointing out stray orc-arrows on the ground) Look Legolas! The orcs in their haste have dropped much unused ammo!
Legolas: What? Oh indeed! And it's the right caliber! (Runs off to gather arrows/ammo.)
Gimli: (to Aragorn) Our situation is worse than you know, Aragorn. Legolas has gone completely insane. When we heard the orcs he began muttering something about a Balrog and Glorfindel. Then he grabbed my hand and started yelling "Run! I must lead you now, Lady Idril!" He dragged me along for a half a league before I could convince him to stop.
Aragorn: So you didn't hunt orcs?
Gimli: (sadly) Nay. I've hewn naught but wood since I left Moria.
Aragorn: (v. sadly) It is indeed a day of ill fortune!
Gimli: No time to mope. Stupid orcs... let's despoil them.
Aragorn: Ewwwww!
Gimli: I mean take their weapons... for Boromir's funeral, remember?
Aragorn: Oh, right.
Odd Narrator: As the companions were despoiling the orcs, they found Merry and Pippin's barrow blades.
Aragorn: Look! It's Merry and Pippin's barrow blades! What do you suppose that means?
Gimli: Perhaps it means the orcs took the hobbits, but were afraid to steal the blades because they're wrapped with spells for the destruction of the Dark Lord and all his creatures?
Aragorn: I doubt that Gimli. The orcs most likely took the hobbits, but disliked handling the blades, sensing that they were wrapped with spells for the downfall of the Dark Lord and all his creatures.
Gimli: Oh, I see. Look, what are these badges? A white hand, and an S. I wonder if that's the sign that Saruman is using now.
Aragorn: Probably not, Gimli. The orcs of Mordor bear the mark of the red eye. Sauron used to use a black 'S' rune with the eye, but he got tired of the joke.
Gimli: What joke?
Aragorn: Basically his orcs would go around saying "If you mess with me I'll give you a red 'S' and a black eye."
Gimli: Oh, that one would get old really fast.
Aragorn: Hmmmm... white would be for Saruman the White, so I think this would be Saruman's orcs. Wow... Saruman has orcs?
Gimli: I would have never figured that out.
Odd Narrator: And with that the companions stopped fooling around...
Aragorn: Oh darn! We need to stop fooling around!
Odd Narrator: ... and carried Boromir and all his gear and trophies down to the riverside. And NO, we don't want to hear you grunting and complaining, so just carry him quietly please!
Gimli: A dwarf never grunts.
Aragorn: (tries not to grunt)
Legolas: Wait a second! This isn't Glorfindel.... the hair's not the right color. I think someone's trying to pull a fast one on us.
Gimli: This is Boromir, remember? The one with the horn?
Legolas: Oh, right. (smacks head) What was I thinking?
(Russ)
[scene: at the river]
Aragorn: Legolas, you an Gimli go and get the boats while I stay here and watch mournfully over Boromir's body.
Gimli: That's it? You're just gonna sit here and wait while we do all the work? Shouldn't you be looking for signs of Orcs or something?
Aragorn: Ah, You're quite right! Let's see, HA! Here's a sign! [pulls arrow out of Boromir's chest] And look, Here's another, and another, and another,. . .
Gimli: Point made. I think Legolas and I should go get the boats.
Aragorn: Good idea.
[later]
[sound of singing from up the river: . . .so hoist up the John B. sails, see how the mainsail. . .]
[Gimli and Legolas come into view each rowing a boat with their gear stowed inside]
Aragorn: What news?
Legolas: Here's a strange tale! Once upon a time there were three bears, Papa. . .
Aragorn: [sigh] Gimli?
Gimli: Yes.
Aragorn: Um, where's the other boat?
Gimli: What other boat?
Aragorn: Legolas?
Legolas: Hmm?
Aragorn: The other boat?
Legolas: Gimli is in it.
Aragorn: No, I mean the OTHER other boat.
Gimli: There wasn't any other boat. Legolas?
Legolas: I didn't see one.
Gimli: Nope, no other boat, just these two.
Aragorn: No, I mean the other boat that we came in. I call it the THIRD boat!
Gimli: OH! THAT other boat!
Aragorn: Yes. Where is it?
Gimli: It wasn't there.
Aragorn: It wasn't there. Well where did it go?
Gimli: I dunno. Legolas?
Legolas: Beats me.
Aragorn: Well it didn't grow legs and walk away now did it!
Gimli: I suppose not.
Legolas: Hee-hee that's funny, a boat with legs!
Aragorn: I don't suppose that you saw any signs of Orcs did you?
Gimli: Um, well. . .
Aragorn: Did you even look for any?
Gimli: Well you see. . .
Aragorn: Wonderful, so NOW one of the boats is missing as well as the hobbits!
Gimli: You don't think that the Orcs took the boat do you?
Legolas: The Orcs took the boats?
Gimli: Orcs took the boat.
Legolas: They did?
Gimli: No, you said they took the boats, I said they took the BOAT.
Legolas: Why would they do that?
Gimli: I'm not saying that they did,. . .
Legolas: But you just said that. . .
Aragorn: That's enough! I'll look at the ground when we get there. . .
[Legolas and Gimli look at each other and shrug]
Aragorn: . . .in the meantime let's get rid of. . .I mean pay our last respects to Boromir.
Odd Narrator: And so the three laid poor Boromir to rest in one of the two remaining boats and towed him out into the midle of the great river. There they cast him loose for his final journey in middle earth. And though he was never again seen in Minas Tirith, it is said that if one were to venture out to the falls, one could still hear over their mighty roar: "I'm not quite dead yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!"
Aragorn: Well that's that! Nice work everybody! Anyone have anything else to say?
Gimli: Not me.
Legolas: I got nothing.
Aragorn: All right then, Let's
Gimli: Ahem. . .
Aragorn: Yes?
Gimli: What about the death songs?
Aragorn: What death songs?
Gimli: You know, the ones you and Private Pyle here are supposed to sing for Boromir.
Aragorn: Oh THOSE death songs. Yes, well, what the hey:
Well you could tell by
the way he used to walk,
He was a manly man, didn't need a sock.
His horn was loud and made of wood,
He could blow it well like he knew he should.
And now that he's dead, but it's ok
we saved our own skins anyway
We can mourn and we can grieve,
But I think we had better leave.
Whether your you're a human, Elven or Dwarven we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Boromir's a goner, if we stay here any longer we won't be stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, we're, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, we're, stayin' alive.
Legolas:
Well now Boromir's gone, his spirit free,
But I have to say better him than me!
He was okay as humans go,
But Elves still kick ass,
don't you know!
Now the river's got him but it's okay.
'Cause we will live another day.
And the sooner that I end this song,
The sooner we can get ourselves gone!
Ah, ha, ha, we're, stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, we're, stayin' alive.
Gimli: So you gave me a song in Disco, but I will say naught of it.
Aragorn: That is as it should be, In Minas Tirith they endure the disco, but when dwarves sing it, it is just silly.
Odd Narrator: And so they ended, and with all haste turned their boats and rowed like hell for Pareth Galen.
(merithehobbit)
Unfamiliar Narrator wearing Red Star Trek Shirt: So Boromir went over the side of the giant waterfall and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli returned their attention to the shore.
Gimli: How come he always lists me last?
Legolas: Because you're the most important.
Gimli: Whoa... thanks Legolas... [smiles and looks around] What say you Aragorn.. Mr. Smartie pants?
Aragorn: Hey.. I am a fully trained Ranger.
Legolas: [snork] CHEAAAW! Barely potty trained...
Aragorn: [death glare] Leggy.. lay off.. you need some prescription drugs about now so just can it... KAY?
Gimli: AHEM!
Aragorn: OK.. look.. CLEARLY Hobbit footprints... No Orcs have been here... this set goes here... and then back... dropped a backpack here.. and back out to the water... hmmm.
Gimli: How do you read this riddle?
Aragorn: Two packs are missing... definitely Sam's is gone.. huh.. [rifling through a few packs] Oh.. Wow.. look at the stash of food... must be Pip's.
Legolas: So.. you think that Frodo and Sam went across the river?
Aragorn: Uh.. yes.. that is what it is.
Legolas: And so then I guess the Orcs got Merry and Pippin?
Aragorn: Stop that! Yes.. of course.. Sam would never have left without his pack or Frodo. And we already saw the signs of struggle by the dying Boromir.
Legolas: Well, he technically wasn't dying until you yanked out that arrow.. any idiot knows...
Aragorn: STOP IT!! I am the leader here,
Gimli: [bursts into song] We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, We're following the leader wherever he may go...
Legolas: Hey.. I love that one.. Peter Pan?
Gimli: He had great legs that Peter Pan...
Aragorn: AAAAAK! STOP IT...[ahem]
Legolas: Oh yea.. shouldn't we go after Frodo?
Aragorn: No, [dramatic pause] he has a different path..
Gimli: Path.. you call his direction a path.. it is an endless labyrinth of jagged rocks and smoking...
Aragorn: Wasn't that supposed to be in an earlier chapter?
Gimli: Well I really liked it.
Aragorn: We must not leave Merry and Pippin to torture and death by Orcs.. let us travel light... just grab all the sharp deadly things you can find.
Legolas: You should see my quiver... loaded!
Aragorn: [posing] Let's go hunt some Orc!
Gimli: GRRRRRR! [smile]
Legolas: [fabulous lip curl]
Unfamiliar Narrator wearing Red Star Trek Shirt: Having got their best lines in and most famous poses the odd trio bounded off...
Gimli: HEY.. Who are you calling ODD?
Unfamiliar Narrator wearing Red Star Trek Shirt: [ahem] bounded off in search of Merry and Pippin who were being hauled off by the Uruk-hai. This was an easy path as the Orcs trampled and stomped their way along...
Legolas: "pfffftt"
Unfamiliar Narrator wearing Red Star Trek Shirt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Bleeding! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Legolas: Hey, Aragorn.. another patient for ya.. why don't you yank out the arrow again.. it was such a good idea before!
Unfamiliar Narrator wearing Red Star Trek Shirt: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO! [bleed bleed die]