VI.9. The Grey Havens

(BunnieBugs and Idril)

Odd Narrator: It did indeed turn out that the hobbits' poor Shire needed a lot of work to clear it out, but it went much faster than Sam had feared... and hoped. In fact, most were able to judge their progress by Sam's increased nervousness and by counting his number of blushes-per-hour. A few weeks after the battle everyone started worrying that they'd forgotten something... but shrugged it off and kept working.

Frodo: I keep thinking we're forgetting something.

Sam: Did you mope and complain about your hand hurting while watching everyone else work on the cleanup?

Frodo: Did that this morning.

Sam: Did you send Saruman's death certificate off to the insurance agent?

Frodo: Ah yep.

Sam: Did you release the prisoners from the Lockholes?

Frodo: Akk! Fudge!

Odd Narrator: So only a few short weeks after the battle, Frodo rode to the Lockholes to release the prisoners. The first prisoner they found was....

(BunnieBugs)

Pippin: [GASP!] Fatty!

Fatty: (groan) Best to call me Fredegar until I can earn back my nickname...

Merry: Poor Fredegar! What did they do to you?

Fatty: They put me on... on... Oh, the horror!

Pippin: There, there, Fredegar. Take it slowly...

Fatty: Oh, Pippin! They put me on Weight Watchers!

Pippin: (gasp!) NO!

Fatty: (shudder) You wouldn't believe how few points I was allowed... It was very hard on my Tookish side!

Pippin: Dude, Took or no Took, this just ain't right. You LOOK like I FELT when I was on the Fat Boy Diet in Minas Tirith. Let us help you out of here and we'll get you started on the road to recovery. (The hobbits carry Fatty outside).

Fatty: Am I just delirious with hunger, or are you taller than you used to be?

Pippin: (laughs) Oh, I'm taller all right! So's Merry. It's a long story, involving illicit substances and hallucinations... well, I'll fill you in later. Feeding you comes first! (dreamily) Ah, Fatty! The feasting you missed yesterday! A veritable smorgasbord of ruffians...

Fatty: (*sob*) I don't suppose you saved me one...

Pippin: Sorry, we couldn't. But some could still wander through, I suppose.

Fatty: (sigh) There's hope, then.

(Idril and Weaverbird)

Odd Narrator: And then there was poor old Lobelia, who must have been still suffering from the effects of her head injury. When her rescuers arrived she fought them and adamantly refused to leave her narrow cell until her devoted friend and cellmate, Helga Littlefoot, calmed her down and assured her that she would stay by her side. The assembled hobbits cheered for her as she hobbled out of the Lockholes, blinking in the sunlight and clutching Helga's arm. Lobelia dabbed tears from her eyes, for she had never before felt so popular, or so loved.

Merry was waiting with a "release forms" for her to sign, and then she was whisked away to recuperate with her relatives in Hardbotle. Helga went with her "to do for Miss Lobelia and look after her bit of garden," an arrangement that was satisfactory to all.

Merry's "release forms" were actually a contract to sell Bag End back to Frodo for a bargain price. All that Winter Frodo expected Lobelia to complain about the ruse, but her letters were curiously calm, happy, and filled with little things that Helga had done and said. Unfortunately her happy retirement was short lived, as she died the next Spring. Per the instructions in her will, her fortune went to establish the Littlefoot Eleemosynary Society Benefiting Ostrasized Shirefolk. Frodo was pleased to find himself on the board of directors, but felt a little odd at the meetings as all the other board members were female. (Which wouldn't have been so bad in itself, except that he invariably came in last place in the post-meeting arm-wrestling competitions.)

(Russ)

Odd Narrator: Old Will Whitfoot had been in the Lockholes longer than anyone and so it was only fitting that he was the last one out.

When they finally did find him, he was in the midst of sewing himself up in a burlap sack and muttering incoherently about an old man, buried treasure and something called a Monte Cristo. Frodo tried to get him to leave the Lockholes, but Will refused, preferring instead to make his "escape" as planned and go after the treasure. When Frodo asked Will where this treasure was supposed to be, all Whitfoot would do was to tap his temple and say, "it's all up here."

Frodo rather doubted that. Still, in order to get Will out of the Lockholes, he promised the Mayor that he would help him find the treasure as soon as things in the Shire were set to rights and promised he act as Will's deputy until things were ready. Will finally agreed and eventually he did return to his old self, except that forever after he would always refer to the Lockholes as the "Chateau".

Frodo's first order of business as deputy mayor was to reduce the Shirriffs to their former level of authority, which consisted primarily of making the rounds of the inns and taverns of the Shire for "Quality Control" purposes.

He sent Merry and Pippin off to run off the remaining ruffians which pleased Merry to no end and before the end of the year their skulls were bleaching nicely atop the points of the spears that Merry had set around the outskirts of the Shire. Everyone commented on how nice Master Brandybuck looked in his ruffian-ear necklace and matching cufflinks.

Meanwhile, the work on restoring the Shire was going full bore and Sam was, gratefully, kept very busy. Hobbits can work like the dickens if there's a chance for food involved, which there was. And they could work doubly hard if they were doing it for free, (which they were), so that they could get it over with and go home. And there were now thousands of willing Hobbit hands ready to work, there were the nimble ones of the young Hobbit lads and lasses, and the. . .

Um, is this right?

Script consultant: Mwah mwah-mwah-mwah.

Odd Narrator: The part about the hands.

S.C.: Mwah-mwah?

Odd Narrator: The ones of the Gaffers and Gammers?

S.C.: Mwah.

Odd Narrator: It is? Are you sure?

S.C.: Mwah mwah.

Odd Narrator: Okay. Anywho, where was I? Oh yes, . . .and there were thousands of eager hobbit hands of all ages ready to work. There were the quick, nimble hands of the Hobbit lads and lasses, and the well worn and horny ones. . .

Merry: Snicker!

Odd Narrator: ... of the Gaffers and Gammers. What?

Merry: You said "Horny".

Sam: Horny hands! Snork!

Pippin: Giggle!

Rosie: That reminds me. . .Oh Saaaaaammyyyy!

Odd Narrator: Well for your information, that is NOT what Tolkien meant when he wrote it!

Gaffer: Suit yerself, (pinch!)

Hobbit Lass: Hey! (Smack!)

Gaffer: OW! Tee-Hee!

Odd Narrator: Sigh. Anyway, Frodo invoked the power of imminent domain and bulldozed the ruffians' old dwellings and replaced them with high-density affordable housing units while Merry sold the remaining land to developers who in turn put up Luxury planned communities complete with strip malls and 24-hour fitness centers which everyone joined, but never seemed to have the time to attend. Besides, we're talking about Hobbits here. 24-hour fitness centers? Give me a break.

Merry made a killing.

Eventually the Fitness centers closed and were turned into Olde Tyme Shire Buffets and Hornburger De-lite franchises. Everyone found time to attend those.

Again Merry made a killing.

Great stores of food were found in the numerous secret stashes of the Ruffians, along with a magnificent supply of beer and pipeweed. When the Yule finally rolled around it made for a party nearly the equal of the Great Rivendell Blowout of '37. A grand time was had by all. Though it was remarked upon later that strangers were strangely absent from the Shire that year.

(Bunnie)

Odd Narrator: One of the first things done in Hobbiton, even before removal of the transformer plant, was the clearing of the Hill and Bag End, and the restoration of Bagshot Row. All the RV's were hauled away, and everyone was amazed at how quickly a pile of wicker and fake ferns could burn away to nothing. The swimming pool was filled in and turned into a Miniature Miniature Golf Course (we're talking about hobbits, after all), and new, upscale holes were dug in the side of the hill overlooking it. Sam's Gaffer moved back into Number Three, although he kept insisting that he wanted to see Number One, but oddly enough, never seemed able to make it past Number Two to do so. Someone suggested that they could change the number "Three" to a different number, say, "Six," but that only seemed to be a source of aggravation for him.

Gaffer: (yelling) I am not a number, I am a free hobbit! Blow wind, blow! Crack your cheeks and blow! All's well as ends by naptime!

Odd Narrator: Of course, no one had the slightest idea what he was talking about, but it didn't seem to matter to him. He loved his view of the golf course, and spent a good deal of time on the "Nineteenth Hole" with a mug of ale in his hand.

Everyone tried to think up a name for the new row. Someone thought of "Sausage Links," in honor of the Gaffer's favorite food and the new golf course, but it didn't go over very well with anyone but Pippin. The Gaffer seemed to think it should be called "The Village," but eventually they settled on "Bagshot Pointe" as having the appropriately snooty, golf course sort of ring to it. It was purely a Bywater joke to refer to it as "Toothpick Pointe," an homage to the Barmaid's famous repast.

(Silarien)

Odd Narrator: Frodo, Merry and Pippin were sat together listening to Sam bemoaning the loss of so many trees.

Sam: It's deforestation, that's what it is. There'll be changes to the dynamics of moisture-bearing air masses, mark my words. You have to understand the hydrological cycle and the water-storage capacity of tree canopies, and then there's the other adverse impacts, such as increased run-off and soil erosion. When there's no roots to hold the soil nor vegetation to lessen the impact of hard rain, it will be more difficult for young trees to grow. It'll also affect hundreds of species by taking away the habitat that they've adapted to, and no mistake.

Frodo, Merry, Pippin: [Glazed stares]

Sam: [Tapping out his pipe on a small wooden box] Then there's increased risks of landslides and avalanches ...

Frodo: [Desparate to change the subject] Isn't that Galadriel's gift?

Sam: [Examining the box] Yes, I'd forgotten about it, tacky bit of rubbish. Look, all it contains is dust and a seed. What the heck use is that?

Frodo: I'm sure each grain has some value, if we could figure out a sensible way to use it.

Pippin: I know. Why don't you take each and every grain and plant it, with a sapling, in every place where a tree has been felled. You could probably restore thousands of trees that way.

Sam, Frodo, Merry: [Stare at Pippin]

Sam: Has anyone got a SENSIBLE suggestion?

Frodo, Merry, Pippin: [Stare at Sam]

Sam: Uh, alright then. Where's my spade.

Merry: [After Sam had left] That was a stupid idea, Pippin.

Pippin: I know, but it shut him up, didn't it.

Odd Narrator: For weeks, Sam was seen around the Shire with a barrow-load of saplings and a shovel. Each time he bent to plant a sapling, his knees creaked louder and his back ache grew worse. By the time he got to the Three-Farthing Stone, he could hardly move, but there was still a fair amount of dust left in the box. Desparation inspired a good idea.

Sam: ACHOOOOOOOOO! Oh drat, look at that. The dust has all blown away. What terrible luck. [snicker]

Odd Narrator: With the last of his energy, Sam planted the seed where the party tree had stood, but then his back finally gave way and he couldn't stand up. It took Frodo, Pippin and Merry to get him home where he was kept in traction for several months.

Come Spring, Sam was finally recovered enough to go out to check the results of his labours. He went first to the Party Field, and was astounded to see a gigantic beanstalk, fat as a tree and reaching so high that no-one could see the top.

The beanstalk became the wonder of the Shire. In fact, hobbit lads came from many miles around to try to climb it. No-one ever got to the top. They all gave up when they heard a spooky female voice from above saying:

"Fee Fi Fo Fum
Climb any higher and I'll bite your bum."

(merithehobbit)

Odd Narrator: All in all the year of 1420, Shire reckoning of course, was just peachy keen. There were peaches of course, and fresh fruits and vegetables of all kinds...perfect weather, and something was in the air. The toxic fumes of the past were gone, and the water ran clear and crisp, and even Hobbits considered taking a dip on occasion. If you thought the Shire was a lush and pretty place when you saw the movie...you should've been there this year. Merry and Pippin enjoyed walking along the newly planted streets and finding fresh fruits and smiling hobbits all about.

Pippin: Ah, I think I may just be full after that last bushel of strawberries.

Merry: [snork] For the moment you mean...

Pippin: And the cream this year...the cows must be eatin' some good grass, it's just so um...well...creamy.

Merry: And the beer, whoo hoo...it's never been better.

Pippin: I'm with ya there! Somebody must've done some serious fertilizing over at the Barley fields. I'm really diggin' the new King Aragorn's Pale Ale.

Merry: Better than the Gandalf Beard Beer?

Pippin: We may have to have a taste test. [smiles and they head for the Green Dragon]

Merry: I have really found the herbs to be especially tasty...

Pippin: Oh yeah, it's the herbs you're impressed with?

Merry: Oh all right, I'll admit it...the Longbottom Leaf is the finest I've ever smoked.

Pippin: Oh c'mon, don't you think it was better in 'ought five?

Merry: No, really, I do think it's better this year...[shoves Pippin] 'ought five...that's just the year you started smoking...that year sucked compared to this one.

Pippin: Maybe it is just we've gone for so long without it, that it is so much better...hmmm, that makes me think...Uh Merry?

Merry: Yeah Pip?

Pippin: I was just wonderin'... you noticed something about the Shire chicks this spring?

Merry: You noticed too?

Pippin: Um...yeah they're all knocked up...or just had a baby...I can't get a date...you'd think in Spring and Summer it'd be all "frisky time" but NO!

Merry: Tell me about it, even with my cool new cloak that says "Merry the Matador" the only fun and satisfaction I've had is eating food and sleeping well.

Pippin: Well, that isn't all bad but...what happened? I thought we'd get the babes when we got home, with the war hero thing and all [pout].

Merry: [sigh] I guess bein' cooped up in those hobbit holes during the Ruffian Occupation had its consequences.

Pippin: I suppose, and well, they are good looking babies, lotsa golden hair, kinda like Elvish.

Merry: Hey, you're right! I wonder if...you don't think...no I must be mistaken...

Pippin: And all of the little boys seem to have particularly nice lip curling action [looks at Merry]

Merry: [looks at Pippin]

Both: Legolas?

(BunnieBugs)

Odd Narrator: At first, Sam stayed at the Cottons' with Frodo, but when Bagshot Pointe was ready, he moved in there with the Gaffer. This was actually a bit of a relief to everyone at the farm, as they were all getting pretty tired of finding Sam and Rosie making out every time they turned around.

Sam: [on the Hobbiton set] (blush!)

Odd Narrator: (snicker) I love doing that! Anyway, Sam was working very hard all over the place to return things to how they were, and he was also in charge of doing the same for Bag End. He saw to it that the sand-colored carpet was ripped out and the pale blue walls were returned to their former hobbit-ish tones. He still had a lot of forestry work to do in the Shire, and consequently was not at home to see Frodo wig out in early March.

Frodo: I beg your pardon! I did not "wig out."

Odd Narrator: Oh, no? Get a load of this: Following the sounds of muttering and stomping, Farmer Cotton found Frodo in his room, pacing around, waving his arms about and talking to himself.

Frodo: That doesn't sound so bad to me.

Odd Narrator: It gets worse. Frodo spoke quickly and erratically, and there was a wild look in his eyes. Occasionally he would stop his mad pacing and hold up a white gem that hung on a chain around his neck, staring at it and then waving it around.

Tom Cotton: Mr. Frodo? Are you all-

Frodo: (speaking quickly and urgently) And it's too quiet, I tell you. Way too quiet! Have you ever noticed how the silence is just so... quiet? And I keep thinking this thing is It, because I feel the chain around my neck (pulls out white gem for Farmer Cotton to see), but of course it's not It, and that's why it's so quiet! And I think this thing is broken, anyway. Here... (waves white gem under Farmer Cotton's nose) Anything? (Farmer Cotton looks askance at Frodo) It's supposed to give of pheromones, but I can't tell if it's working. 'Course, you're not a girl, so I guess you couldn't tell either, but... It's just so dang QUIET! Could you stay and talk to me for awhile? Maybe sing a little? And insult me? Ooh, yes. Please insult me, too! Please? And don't you have any girls on this farm so I can check and see if this thing is still working? Oh, PLEASE stay and say all kinds of bad things about me! Please, please!

Odd Narrator: And with that, Frodo collapsed on his bed, sobbing, and Farmer Cotton carefully backed out of the room and closed the door.

Frodo: Oh. Ehm. Heh. Maybe just a little wigged out. (sigh) Stupid Ring!

Odd Narrator: I dare say. Well, that was the thirteenth of March, and by the time Sam got home on the twenty-fifth, Frodo was fine and said nothing about his little "episode." Meanwhile, Bag End was all fixed up and Merry and Pippin brought back from Crickhollow all of Frodo's old furniture and belongings. Frodo and Sam helped them unload the cart and get everything put in its proper place.

Frodo: (standing at the door to Bag End) Remember, that goes in the study, Merry. Hold on, I'll get the chairs...

Sam: (quietly) Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Yes, Sam? What is it?

Sam: Have you noticed that group of hobbit lasses down by the gate? I could swear they were watchin' you, sir.

[Frodo looks toward the group of hobbit lasses, and they smile coyly and wave at him, a few of them giggle]

Frodo: (smiles) Well, how about that. I guess it's not broken after all!

Sam: Beg your pardon?

Frodo: Nothing, Sam, nothing. Here, help me with these chairs.

(Russ)

Frodo: So, when are you going to move in and join me Sam?

Sam: Well Gosh Mr. Frodo Sir, I was looking forward to spending some "quality" time with Rosie if you take my meaning. She was a little peeved at me for going off and all and she couldn't say so because I didn't say anything because I had a job to do first or she would have said something except that she couldn't say so because I didn't say anything because I had a. . .

Frodo: Sam. . .

Sam: . . .a job to do first or she would have said something except that. . .

Frodo: Sam!

Sam: . . .she couldn't say so because. . .

Frodo: SAM!!!

Sam: Yes Sir?

Frodo: She can come and stay here with you and me at Bag End. You know what they say in Rivendell, two's company, three's a trio.

Sam: Those Elves sure are wise Sir. But what about the rooms and all, yours is the only one that's ready Sir.

Frodo: Not a problem Sam, we can all stay in mine. My bed is big enough, it's nice enough, and doggone it, people like it!

Sam: Whoo-hoo! Gosh that'll be swell Mr. Frodo Sir! You and me an' Rosie all snuggled up together! Why we'll be as cozy as three bugs in a rug.

Frodo: Or something.

Sam: What about the Gaffer?

Frodo: Not to worry Sam...

(from outside)

BOOM!-BA-PA-BOOM...

Sam: Oh no...

Frodo: It's all taken care of.

BOOM!-BA-PA-BOOM...

Sam: NOT the...

Frodo: Yep...

BA-PA-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!

Frodo: ...The Widow Rumble.

[enter the Widow Rumble, cigarette in hand]

Widow Rumble: Hello Boys, who's gonna buy a lady a drink?

Sam: [staring in numb shock]

Frodo: I knew you'd like it Sam, aren't you proud of me?

Sam: [face in his hands] No-no-no-no-no...

Frodo: I thought you liked her Sam? She was your first.

Sam: [whispers] Sir, she was everybody's first.

Frodo: C'mon Sam, not everybody.

Sam: Pretty much Sir, present company excepted of course. Do you know how old she is?

[enter Hamfast Gamgee, aka "The Gaffer"]

Gaffer: Now what in tarnation is with all the Boom-ba-pa-boomin'?

Frodo: Not as old as the Gaffer.

Gaffer: It's getting so's a body can't get no...

Widow Rumble: BOOM!

Gaffer: JEHOSEPHAT! Now that's what I call one hot tamale! Dang woman, you gots ta be careful, you're gonna put an eye out with that thing!

Widow Rumble: Hi there big boy, If you think my tamale is hot, wait till you get a load of my sweet potatos!

Gaffer: Hee-hee! Now you're talkin' by gum! I'm gonna make you the cherry on my hot-fudge sundae of love!

Widow Rumble: Oooooo, I think I'm gonna like you!

[exit the Gaffer and The Widow Rumble]

Frodo: Ya see Sam, they're perfect for each other.

Sam: Sigh. Yes Sir. It's a cold cruel world isn't it Sir.

Frodo: Relax Sammy, the Gaffer's going to be well looked after...

Sam: I can see that Sir.

Frodo: Now you can marry Rosie and the two of you can move in. See? Piece of cake!

Sam: A piece of something, that's for sure.

Odd Narrator: And so Sam and Rosie got married in the spring of 1420 and they all lived happily ever after until the end of their days.

The End.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the. . .

Pardon?

It's not?

Well it ought to be, it's gone on long enough don't you think?

I don't care, let him sail off in somebody else's parody!

Idril?

She does?

squeak!

Um okay. Well as I was saying, Sam and Rosie were married in the spring of 1420 and came to live with Frodo at Bag End.

(Idril and Russ)

[Scene: Frodo stikes a handsome pose by the fireplace in Hugh Hefner pajamas, slicked-down hair and a pipe.]

Frodo: Why, here come the newlyweds now! Hullo hullo hullo, Rosie my sweet!

Frodo's Stereo: Don't dream it... be it... don't dream it... be it... Give yourself over... to absolute pleasure...

[Rosie looks Frodo up and down. She then walks over to the stereo and... ]

Frodo's Stereo:[SCREEEEEEECH!!]

Rosie: (Tosses the Rocky Horror soundtrack out of the window.) Whatever your thinking Baggins, you'd best be thinking again.

Frodo: D'oh!!

Sam: I tried to tell you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: SIGH!

Odd Narrator: The living arrangements pleased Frodo to no end and Rosie didn't complain much either, especially when Sam was away on business, which Frodo was able to drum up for him often enough. Sam thought he was lucky, but Frodo knew he was luckier still as there was not a hobbit in the Shire that was better cared for if you.... uuuuhhhh.... Rut Roh!

Rosie: (wielding a large frying pan) What were you saying?

Odd Narrator: Uhhh... mmmmmm.... just that you're a great cook... and... uhhh... an excellent housekeeper... and uhhhh... very good at playing Twister, ooops! I mean Scrabble!

Rosie: Hrrrmpph! You'd just better watch that mouth.

Odd Narrator: Yes ma'am!

(Russ)

Frodo: Here's your room you two, all ready to go and mine will be right next door in case you need anything. (Sigh)

[Later that night]

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

Frodo: [lying in bed with a pillow pulled tightly over his head. On the wall the pictures are shaking, the lantern is swinging wildly over his head and the windows are rattling like crazy] CAN'T YOU TWO TAKE A BREAK!!!!!!!

Sam: [voice from the other side of the wall] I told you it was a bad idea to hook up The Gaffer and The Widow!

Frodo: But they're a block away!

BANG-BANG-BANG...

Sam: Good night Sir.

Frodo: Good night Sam.

(Russ and Meri)

Odd Narrator: And so all were happy. And Frodo, once the rebuilding of the Shire was in full swing and moving nicely along, retired as deputy Mayor. He'd found the job of presiding at banquets FAR too stimulating and difficult on his digestion system as he'd picked up a parasite somewhere in Mordor. Old Will Whitfoot, who was quite nearly his old self, took back the reins of power and had another seven years of taking bribes and kissing babies, ya know, the usual mayoral duties. Yeah I know this is the Shire, but hey, the time honored traditions of local politics stand still for no man, or hobbit. Frodo spent most of his time living a quiet life, snug and comfortable now at Bag End. What with Rosie keeping house, and Sam doing the lawn all he had to do was to write his memoirs and sneak in a bit of sleep between bouts of The Gaffer and the Widow Rumble.

(Meri)

Odd Narrator: Merry and Pippin lived for some time up at Crickhollow, which was up for sale again as Frodo moved back to Bag End. Merry of course was realtor, and gave himself a huge discount and got the place for below market value in an over-inflated market. Pippin and he split the mortgage payment and spent many hours re-decorating the joint...plastering the walls with University of Rohan, Gondor U posters and War of the Ring memorabilia they'd got great deals on at E-bay. Pippin had the pantry and kitchen remodeled, doubling the size of food capacity and utensil storage. Merry invested in a Wide Screen TV with a Game Sphere system that was the envy of all the Western lands. Many folks wondered at their "black-market" connections, but were so impressed with Merry's smooth talking that they all decided he just took a class at Orthanc before Saruman had passed over to the "Dark Side". They hosted many parties and impressed the available lasses of the Shire with their sharp swords and their spitting skills.

There was much coming and going between Buckland and Bag End. Merry and Pippin were familiar sights all along the road...and frequent visitors to every new tavern on the way. The old ones were re-built and re-named fancy things like "Merry's Toot'n Kazoo", "Pippin's Jaw", "and Barmaid Diet Bar."

They were known far and wide for their fancy attire, and all the young lads wore their knickers low, pierced their tongues, got tattoos, began spittin' and talked tough about Entdraught and some wild new fangled thing called protests. Most of the older hobbits were appalled, but the kids all scoffed and called their parents fuddy duddies and snuck out at night to go to "raves" and partaaay into the Shire night shakin' their booties to the new music smuggled in via the Greenway.

The older hobbits though seemed to overlook the bad influence that the duo had on popular culture in the Shire, only noticing the shiny armor and mail-shirts and reveling in the new folk tales and songs from distant lands and wartime tales. Indeed Merry and Pippin were ever the popular folk, and folks all said that they'd picked up the most interesting vocabulary words in their travels, and even a bit of an accent on occasion. Merry and Pippin laughed at these comments as they loved to throw in a few Orc cuss words they'd learned, but that made folks think they were just as jovial and happy as ever before.

Frodo and Sam however, kept things plain and simple. It seems some Amish travelers had passed by handing out pamphlets...so they kept to dark pants and light pressed shirts with overalls...making adjustments to show off their much muscled calves of course (a little vanity never hurt anyone as Rosie liked to say)...and sometimes they wore nice long gray cloaks with a pretty brooch at the throat. But mostly that was for visiting the Elf Shack for parties with Merry and Pippin on their "Shire Tour". They were basically un-noticed, even with the tongue stud that Sam kept quietly in his mouth...only Rosie appreciated that.

Frodo always wore a white jewel on a chain around his neck that he fingered and whispered to.

Frodo: Hey, I don't whisper to it...I just...finger it. It likes to be scratched...

Jewel: Oh yeah...just over there...to the left...

Frodo: [smiles] Like that do you?

Jewel: Mmmm...purrrrrrrrrrr.

Sam: Mister Frodo? Are you okay?

Frodo: [blushes] [drops Jewel] Fine Sam.

Sam: I thought I heard you talking again? Are you sure you don't want to make an appointment with Shrink Flufow?

Frodo: No...quite sure, I'm fine...it was just Jewel.

Sam: Frodo? You know Jewel doesn't talk...it isn't like "The-Round-Smack-Talking-Shiny-Gold-Thing-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named".

Frodo: [whispers] Stupidring...

Sam: Shhh, don't say that...

Frodo: I wore it Sam...it was mine...my own...my preccciousssss...

Sam: ROSIE! ROSIE LASS?

Frodo: No...Sam...don't send for Rosie...I'm fine...Jewel just keeps me company...she makes me feel better...[mutters and walks off]

Rosie: Sam?

Sam: Aw nothing sweetie. I was thinking I may have needed you to give him a "snap out of it" slap...you're so good at slappin.

Rosie: [blush] [slaps him on the bum] Oh Sam, you're such a flirt!

Odd Narrator: So Sam and Rosie had it really good, keeping really, really, really busy, while Frodo mumbled and kept to himself. He wrote a lot, but Sam was sad that no one made a big deal about all he did for saving humanity. If he had known it the locals were alarmed at his mumbling and Jewel rubbing...and the funny smells that surrounded him...and the fact that rabbits all followed him everywhere he went.

But Sam and Rosie overlooked his strange ways, and were happy. There were some shadows of old troubles. In the autumn Sam again found Frodo mumbling and pale.

Sam: Frodo? What's the matter?

Frodo: Nothing.

Sam: Nothing? You're pale, and moaning...and holding your shoulder...

Frodo: No, I'm fine.

Sam: It's that damned Nazgirl wound again isn't it...it will never truly heal...I saw the movie...I heard what Gandalf said.

Frodo: No really, not sore, feeling perky...look at the new rabbit hutch I made.

Sam: [snaps fingers] OH! Duh! It is October sixth...two years to the day...Weathertop!

Frodo: Ah...Weathertop. It had such a nice view. I'm surprised Merry didn't get it listed yet, or subdivided anyway!

Sam: Dangit Frodo, you're messing up the story! You're supposed to be all weak and frail and moaning and stuff. [folds arms and pouts]

Frodo: Um...Sam?

Sam: [tapping toes] Yes?

Frodo: Did I ever tell you that you are just so cute when you get angry?

Sam: NO!!!! We are NOT going there again...dangit...I fought long and hard to dispel those rumors...Rosie's even sportin a belly now because of my MANHOOD! [stomps off stage] Where are they? Those writers...where?

Frodo: [snicker] Just kiddin' Sam. [sigh] Okay...just for you...[moan, grumble, collapses on the bed] Oh...I'm wounded...[flomps hand up to his forehead] It will never heal...never...[peeks out from behind his hand] [whispers] How's that?

Sam: [trying not to smile] Better.

Frodo: [moan]

Jewel: Good one!

Sam: It's talking now?

Frodo: Yeah, I trained her...she even talks dirty sometimes.

Sam: Hey you're supposed to be all ill.

Frodo: Oh yeah...sorry...[moan]

Sam: Rosie? Fetch poor Frodo some...

Frodo: [whispers] Raspberry Lemonade...mmmm

Sam: Raspberry Lemonade....it'll help the phlegm!

(Russ)

Odd Narrator: Time went on and 1421 came in...

1421: 'allo! Bienveinue! Wilkomen!

Odd Narrator: Ya gotta be kiddin' me.

1421: Ah! Naratuer Impair! Mon Ami! (kisses Odd Narrator on both cheeks... the upper ones.)

Odd Narrator: Aw geeze! Do ya have to do that EVERY friggin' time? Yechh!

1421: C'est la greeting usualayvouz, no?

Odd Narrator: Dude, it's just so freakin' annoying!

1421: Ah! Mon Ami! But Vouz est glad-ay-vouz to seevouz moi, non?

Odd Narrator: Non.

1421: Jaques-cray-bleu!

Odd Narrator: Back at ya pal. You know you're not supposed to be here.

1421: Moi? Non dialogue en le parodee?

Odd Narrator: Sorry.

1421: Sniff.

Odd Narrator: Now beat it!

1421: Sniff-sniff. Ah-voir. Snif.

[exit 1421]

Odd Narrator: ANYHOW, 1421 came in and Frodo was ill again, oooo, big surprise there! But he was able to conceal it with hangdog looks and big sad puppy eyes. And moping. Lots and lots of moping. Sam and Rosies firstborn was, er, born...on the twenty-fifth of March, a date that Sam noted. Duh! And since Sam was unable to make even the simplest of decisions on his own, he went to Frodo for advice.

Sam: Gosh Mr. Frodo sir, I'm in a bit of a pickle. You see sir, we, meanin' Rosie and myself if yiou take my beanin', was going to name him Frodo after you sir.

Frodo: Sounds good to me Sam. Lovely name Frodo. A fine upstanding name.

Sam: Yes sir, but you see sir, it's a she, not a him.

Frodo: And?

Sam: Rosie had a girl sir.

Frodo: I'm afraid I don't see your point.

Sam: A girl sir?

Frodo: Oh of course, how silly of me. Naturally you wouldn't want to have a girl named after me, how would that make me look?

Sam: Um, okay.

Frodo: So you need some ideas, is that it?

Sam: Yes sir.

Frodo: Right then, what about Frodina? Or Frodella? Or, and this is one of my favorites, Frodolina.

Sam: Those are a little to...Frodo-ish if you take my meaning sir. I was thinking Mable or maybe Hazel or better yet, Gertrude!

Frodo: All fine names Sam, though not in the same league as Frodolina, but if you're heart is set on something other that Frodo-whatever, how about a flower name?

Sam: Oh yes! That's just the thing, and I know about a million. Hmmmm, let's see, there's Agapantus, Lycopodiopsida, Dennstaedtiaceae, Toxicodendron, Phellodendron, Amurense and of course who could forget Celastraceaeorbiculatus!

Frodo: Errrr, yeah. What about Rose?

Sam: Got one sir.

Frodo: Oh, right.

[enter Rosie]

Rosie: Somebody talking about me?

Sam: Hey snookums, we're just trying to come up with a name for the squirt. Frodo suggested flower names. What do you think?

Rosie: Oh I think that is a splendid idea! What was the name of that plant you liked so much in Lothlorien? The one you told me about over and over and over....

Sam: Okay, point taken.

Frodo: You mean elanor?

Rosie: Yes! That's the one, it's perfect! What do you think Sammy?

[Sam and Frodo look at each other]

Sam + Frodo: BWAAA-HA-HA-HA, Elanor?!?!? BWAHHHHHHHH-HA-HA-HA.....

(later)

Rosie: (holding the baby) Say hello to Daddy, Little Elanor.

Sam: (disheveled, holding a steak to his eye) Hi Elanor. You okay sir?

Frodo: (sporting two black eyes) I'll be fine Sam. Mind if I borrow that steak when you're done?

Sam: No problem sir.

Odd Narrator: Time passed the way it always does when nothing interesting is happening in a book and in a single sentence little Elanor was six months old. 1421 passed into autumn...

1421: (off screen) 'allo?

Odd Narrator: Quiet you. As I was saying, 1421 passed into autumn and it was then that Frodo called Sam into his study.

Frodo: Sam! Come into my study.

Sam: Yes Sir! Right away Sir!

Frodo: You know Sam, next Thursday will be Bilbo's 131st birthday. He'll pass the Old Took then.

Sam: I know, what a waste of resources.

Frodo: Pardon?

Sam: I said, Golly! He's a marvel!

Frodo: Yes, well, I was thinking that if Rosie would let you, perhaps you and I could go off for awhile.

Sam: Go away?

Frodo: I know. Poor dear Sam, why you couldn't think of being gone for as long as say a fortnight? What with the baby and all.

Sam: A fortnight? A fortnight of no diapers?

Frodo: Yes, It will be difficult for you, I know that.

Sam: A fortnight of sleeping through the night? Of no two a.m. feedings?

Frodo: I should never have asked.

Sam: I might be able to work it out.

Frodo: What was I thinking?

Sam: I think I can manage it sir.

Frodo: Forget i ever mentioned...

Sam: (suddenly standing there in traveling clothes with bags packed.) When do we leave sir?

Frodo: ...it.

(Bunnie)

Odd Narrator: Over the next couple of days, Frodo went through his papers and writings with Sam, who had trouble paying attention, as he was slightly miffed that Frodo had gotten his hopes up about a full night's sleep and no diapers, and yet they still hadn't left Bag End...

Sam: I'm just saying, sir. You might have warned me that you weren't planning on leaving right away.

Frodo: Sam, I said I'm sorry, but this is important. Here, take my keys...

Sam: (takes keys) Well, that was diaper number eight just now. And did I mention that she woke us up four times last night?

Frodo: (sigh) Yes, Sam. But here... Check this out! (Holds up a large, red-leather bound book)

Sam: (fidgeting) It's lovely, sir. Can we go now?

Frodo: Sam! This is it! THE book.

Sam: "THE" book?

Frodo: The one that Bilbo wrote and I continued...?

Sam: (Yawn) Oh. That's nice.

Frodo: (exasperated) Oh, Sam. This is the one about us!

Sam: (horrified) You mean you printed out some of that awful internet slash?!

Frodo: No. NO!! Good grief... Sam. Please pay attention! This is the book that Bilbo started, about his adventures, remember? And then I wrote about what happened to us, and the Ring...? Well, here... take a look.

Odd Narrator: Frodo held out the book for Sam to see.

(Idril and Weaverbird)

Odd Narrator: On the title page of the red leather-bound tome, Bilbo had written and crossed out several titles:

Bilbo's Big Adventure. How to Win Friends and Influence Dragons. Doing Business with Dwarves, the Compete Idiot's Guide. Riddles: Fair and Unfair. Harry Potter and the Enchanted Treasure. Who Moved My Arkenstone? Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian Soul. Of Swords and Sorcery. The Hitchiker's Guide to Middle-Earth. Eru's Little Instruction Book. Hobbits are From Mars, Singing Swords are from Venus. Magical Jewelry Care for Dummies. Moseying Through Middle-Earth. Once a Century Debauch - an Elvish Guide. Fun and Fashion on the Road: A Hobbit's Guide to Pocket Handkerchiefs and Mail Shirts. Sam and Frodo's Bogus Journey.

After all the crossed-out titles was one written in Frodo's firm hand:

The Destruction
of that
Horrible, Annoying, Egotistical, Asinine, Off-Key
and Exceedingly STUPID Ring
and the
Return of Whatshisname

(as seen by the Hobbits: being the TRUE Story of the Whole History of Middle Earth AND The Sundering Seas, Having ACTUAL Accounts by Most of the PRINCIPAL Actors, and of the War of The Stupid Ring, With the UTTERLY Vital Part Played by HOBBITS in the Saving of The WORLD for Posterity.)

Together with extensive illustrated extracts from the Elvish Kama-Sutra as translated (and verified by exhaustive field research) by Bilbo in Rivendell.

(Bunnie)

Sam: Why, you've nearly finished it! I'm impressed! I thought you were spending all your time building rabbit hutches and feeding your little friends all those carrots I worked so hard to grow. Hey, wait a minute... there are still blank pages left in the back. Oh, no... You're not going to make me wait while you stay here and finish writing, are you?

Frodo: Oh, no, Sam. I am quite finished. The last pages are for you.

Sam: Cool! So... we're ready to go, then?

Frodo: (smiles) Yes, Sam. We're ready to go.

(Silarien)

Odd Narrator: On the 21st of September, the two hobbits finally set out on their ponies. Sam didn't ask where they were going, but he had packed a bucket and spade.

Frodo: Giddyup, pony.

Sam: Isn't it about time you gave your pony a name, Frodo?

Frodo: He's managed to bring me all the way from Minas Tirith without one, and without joining in our conversations.

Sam: But he should have a name. It's only right and proper.

Frodo: Oh, if you insist. I could name him after Aragorn.

Sam: You want to call him Stinker?

Frodo: It would be appropriate.

Stinker: And what exactly do you mean by that?

Frodo: On second thoughts, I don't think I'll give him a name.

    : [Sulk]

Odd Narrator: When they camped out that night, Sam fell instantly fast asleep.

Frodo: WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Sam: [Without waking] Rose, Rose, the baby's crying.

Frodo: WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Sam: [Waking] ROSE! The brat's awake ... Huh ... What? ... FRODO! I'm gonna throttle you.

Frodo: Hee hee. Sorry, just a joke. Go back to sleep.

Odd Narrator: The next day, they rode at a very leisurely pace (Frodo's pony was still sulking). The evening was wearing on as they went down a hill between hazel trees. Sam paused to pick a few nuts. He tried to crack them between his teeth. When that didn't work, he started banging the hard shells on a rock. Finally, becoming very frustrated, he drew Sting.

Sting: Where's the enemy? Let me at 'em.

Sam: I'm using you to crack these nuts.

Sting: Oh no you're not! I'm a noble weapon of war, not a food slicer, not a friggin' nutcracker.

Sam: Go on, please. Hazel nuts are nutritious sources of protein and essential vitamins and ...

Sting: Do shut up. I can't hear what Frodo is singing.

Sam: Just that dratted Walking Song again ... but I've not heard those words before.

Frodo:

Still, around the bend there may wait
A pharmacy that's open late
Where I might have a chance to buy
Remedies for a foreign clime
I know for certain when I arrive
The local insects will eat me alive
When I drink the water, I'll get tummy ache
Go off my food till I'm thin as a rake
Then there's sunstroke and all of the rest
Of things to go wrong, when you go west

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: And just then they heard sweet voices singing down in the valley.

Sweet Voices: Down in the Valley, the valley so low...

Odd Narrator: Not the song "Down in the Valley" -- singing while you were down in the valley!

Sweet Voices: tee hee!

Odd Narrator: morons..

Sweet Voices: We heard that!

Allway hetay eaveslay areway rownbay
Andway hetay kysay isway reygay
Iveway eenbay orfat away alkway
Onway away intersway ayday

I'd be safe and warm
If I was in Aman
Avalonne dreaming
On such a winter's day

Sam: It's elves! Quick, hide the starch!

Frodo: Oooh... they got those new neon lights installed.

Elves: *Shimmer* *shimmer* *glow*.

Elf who went with the cheaper light package: *shimmer* *sputter* #$@%!!

Odd Narrator: There was Gildor with many of his folk, somewhat embarrassed that they'd spent the last two years since they'd last met Frodo aimlessly wandering around the Shire looking for the Grey Havens.

Gildor: Grrrrr.... go not to a hobbit for directions, for he'll say things like "turn West at the house where the Grubb's used to live".

Elrond: You goof.

Sam: Oh, it's Elrond! Nice duds, dude!

[pause]

Elrond: *ahem*

Odd Narrator: What?

Elrond: [points out a passage in the script.]

Odd Narrator: Oh, sheesh! Alright, here goes. Here we have the eternally fashionable Lord of Rivendell, astride a grey courser. Today he's sporting a lovely grey Dior robe, which he's chosen to accessorize with one of those brow stars that are all the rage this year. Always a man of art and learning, he's carrying a lovely silver harp by Cousineau, and of course he's wearing the ring Vilya, whose lovely gold band and rich blue stone provides a daring contrast to the rest of his grey and silver ensemble.

Elrond: (somewhat testy) Thank you!

Frodo: So... you ditched you-know-who?

Elrond: What? (looking around) Oh crap! SCATTER PEOPLE, SHE'S WANDERED OFF AGAIN! Oh sheesh, there she is in that thicket. Gildor! Be a good fellow and get some of your people to go fetch her out.

Gildor: (rolls eyes) Right away.

Elrond: Oh dear! I doubled her Valium dosage after last night's crockery-throwing incident. I'm afraid she's having a bit of trouble concentrating.

Frodo: Valium?

Elrond: Yes, of course. Only an utter moron would go traveling with Galadriel when she's not medicated.

Galadriel: (riding up) Guesswat?? I think I saw fairies... over... ummm... where'd the woods go?

Elrond: You are a fairy.

Galadriel: I am?

Odd Narrator: The beautiful Lady of Lothlorien is in her signature glimmering white. Her gown is a lovely lace affair featuring hundreds of twinkling white Christmas lights.

Galadriel: Who's that?

Elrond: It's the narrator, now just hush for a minute.... and get those twigs out of your hair.

Odd Narrator: Today she's riding an adorable white palfrey with a long mane and silver bells in its harness. The White Lady always goes for a simple, unadorned look, but of course on her hand is the fair Nenya...

Bilbo: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

Odd Narrator: ...the beautifully designed mithril and diamond ring which completes her truly magnificent ensemble.

Galadriel: Ooooh sssssssssshhhh... mushn't wake Bobil... quiet everybubby... sssssshhhh (giggle). Oh lookie it's Spam... Hullo Spam! Did you plant all these trees, sweetie? Nice wood!

Sam: [blush]

Galadriel: Ya know Spam, there's nothing I like better than a really nice wood... and this is the best I've seen in months.

Sam: [BLUSH!!] (wraps up in his cloak)

Galadriel: Yep, I'd gotten in a rut. Just enjoying the same old wood, century after century after century. I've left that wood behind now, and I know I'll miss it terribly. But Spam, seeing yours... well it just makes realize that there's more than one wood in Middle-Earth. Now I wish I'd gotten out and seen all the different sizes and varieties of wood while I had the chance.

Sam: [Gape]

Everyone: [Gape]

Galadriel: What? Do I have something in my teeth?

Frodo: Just a twig in your hair, Lady.

(Russ and Idril)

Elves singing at the top of their lungs: TO THE SEA, TO THE SEA, TO THE BEAUTIFUL SEA...

Frodo: Hullo Bilbo!

Bilbo: Zzzznnnork! Oh, Hello, hello, Fatty Bolger, lovely to see you! Welcome, welcome!

Elves: YOU AND I, YOU AND I, OH HOW HAPPY WE'D BE...

Frodo: WHAT? ELROND! CAN'T YOU SHUT THEM UP FOR A MINUTE?!?!

Sam: Hey look, here comes the White Lady, and she's holding a can of starch!

(dead silence)

Bilbo: Dragon? Nonsense! There hasn’t been a dragon in these parts for a thousand years.

Frodo: Bilbo, isn't it wonderful? You passed the Old Took today! You're 131!

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, and Proudfoots. Today is my 111th birthday!

Frodo: Uhhh... we'll just be seeing you off to the Havens, Bilbo!

Sam: And you too, right Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Yes, well, as I was about to say...

Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him.

Sam: Oh, I'm SURE he wants to go! It's only fitting that the ring-bearers should go together.

Bilbo: 'Course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle!

(Russ)

Frodo: What the hell, yeah I'm going.

Sam: So you won't be needing your playroo...er, bedroom anymore?

Frodo: Fraid not.

Sam: Or the extra bedr...I mean, your study?

Frodo: Sorry, no.

Sam: Oh well gosh, sorry bout that. And gee, I had hoped you were going to enjoy the Shire for years and years. Boo-hoo, bye now, hasta la vista, ciao, adios, don't forget to write.

Frodo: Gee Sam, I can tell you're just all broken up about this.

Sam: I'm weeping sir, in here. (thumps his chest) We'll I guess I'd better be heading back. Got places to go and walls to pape...er, people to see. Later.

Frodo: Not so fast Sambone, you're coming too.

Sam: Wha?

Frodo: Just to the Havens Sam, but no farther, not yet anyway. You have far too much yet to see and do.

Sam: I do?

Frodo: Oh yes Sam, I see many things in your future.

Sam: You do?

Frodo: Ah-huh. For instance, I can see that you will be the Mayor for as long as you want.

Sam: Really? Me the Mayor?

Frodo: yep. And you'll be the most famous gardener in the history of the Shire.

Sam: Woo-hoo! Go me!

Frodo: And you'll read stories out of the Red Book and keep alive the memories of the Third Age and all the dangers we faced so that they will love their land even more.

Sam: Wow.

Frodo: That's right. And I see your children.

Sam: Children?

Frodo: That's right, there's Elanor of course, but there will also be Frodo-lad and Rosie-lass.

Sam: I'm blessed!

Frodo: You don't know the half of it! Because after those will come Merry, Goldilox, Pippin, Hank, Rodney, Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Oh yeah, and Mr. Burns.

Sam: squeak!

Frodo: Oh yeah, lots o' fun in store for you Sam. Now, come ride with me!

Sam: Sigh. Yes sir.

Odd Elf: Okay everyone, ONE! MORE! TIME!

Elves: TO THE SEA, TO THE SEA, TO THE BEAUTIFUL SEA...

Frodo: ELRONNNNNNND!

Odd Narrator: Then Elrond and Galadriel rode on while in Lorien Celeborn remained, pondering the meaning of his life and the fruits of all their hard work.

[cut to Lorien: Music is blasting, Elves are swinging from branches, popping champagne corks, doing hand springs and then...]

[Enter Celeborn: wearing sunglasses, shirt and boxers, he comes sliding into view in front of the Mirror of Galadriel]

Celeborn:

My-my-my-my
(U can't touch this)
White Lady yaks all the time
Makes me say,
"oh my lord
thank you
for taking her away
With Elrond and Gandalf too!
It feels good
When you know you're alone
A superdope Elf of the Firstborn
And I'm known as such
And the White Lady's gone!
She can't touch this!

Break it down!

Stop!...Hammer Time!

Elves:

Go Celeborn!
Go Celeborn!
You da firstborn!

Odd Narrator: What the hell, he's earned it. Anyway, the Third age was over and the days of the rings were passed and an end was come of the story and song of those times...Can I get an AMEN!

Rest of Middle Earth: AMEN!

Odd Narrator: And with them went many of the Elves of the High Kindred...

The Rest of Middle Earth: AMEN!

Odd Narrator: Um...all right, ...who would no longer stay in Middle Earth...

The Rest of Middle Earth: AMEN!

Odd Narrator: Okay, that's enough.

The Rest of Middle Earth: AMEN!

Odd Narrator: You can stop now.

The Rest of Middle Earth: AMEN!

Odd Narrator: KNOCK IT OFF!

The Rest of Middle Earth: A...sorry.

Odd Narrator: Well anyway, with them went Frodo and Sam and Bilbo...

The Rest of Middle Earth: ----

Odd Narrator: Just checking. And the Elves delighted to honor them by doing silly impressions.

On they rode through the midst of the Shire all evening and all the night, none saw them pass save as a shimmering light...

Elves: TO THE SEA, TO THE SEA, TO THE BEAUTIFUL SEA...

Shire Folk: HEY! Would ya turn it down? We're trying to get some sleep here! Stupid Elves!

Odd Narrator: So silently they passed leaving no trace of their going.

Shire Folk: Dammit! The elves are in the woodpile again! And would you look at what they're doing to my petunias?

Elves:

BY THE TIME WE GOT TO MITHLOND,
WE WERE HALF A MILLION STRONG...

Odd Narrator: And they passed on, as a shadow flowing through the grass as the moon went westward...

Shire Folk: Just GO already!

Elves:

YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT!
FOR YOUR RIGHT!
TO PARTYYYYYYY!

Odd Narrator: ...leaving nary a trace of their passing.

Shire Folk: Don't worry about it now, we'll clean up in the morning.

(BunnieBugs, Idril, Meri, Russ, Silarien, Weaverbird)

Odd Narrator: As the company came to the gates they were greeted by Cirdan the Shipwright. He was the fattest elf they'd ever seen, and his beard was long... Hey, wait. Is this right? Elves don't have beards, do they?

Cirdan: Sh! (whispers) I got it at Hollywood Costumers. (pulls down elastic beard and grins) Makes me look distinguished, right?

Odd Narrator: Riiiiight. Um, anyway, he was grey and old and his white captain's hat was pushed back on his grey, balding head.

Cirdan: (bowing) Everything's ready, so step right this way to the Havens... Here is the ship that will bear you West, the SS Minnow.

Frodo: That's an odd looking ship, sir.

Cirdan: Please, call me Skipper. Everyone does. It's a hovercraft! Built it myself. Finest craft in the harbor.

Frodo: (doubtfully) If you say so... Say. Who is that over there? Why it's... (Frodo shades his eyes from a sudden gleam of blinding white) Gandalf! Dude, turn it down a notch, willya?

Gandalf: Just one last dramatic entrance, that's all. Check this out. (whips off white robes to reveal Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt and flip flops)

Frodo: Nice duds! So you're coming, too? Awesome! Hey... you've got a ring on.

Gandalf: Yes, this is Narya the Great, the Third Elven Ring.

Narya: He's had me all along, you know. Kept me hidden... you wouldn't believe where (shudder). Hey, Vilya, long time no see! Elrond treatin' you right?

Vilya: Polished every day!

Narya: Cool. Nenya, sweetie. Wassup?

Nenya: (giggles) Hey, Red.

Narya: Say... since we're all here, whaddaya say we blow this popsicle stand in style. Ya with me?

Nenya: Take it away, boys!

Vilya: Yeah! It's better to burn out than to fade away!

[The three Rings begin to sing:]

In Middle Earth
Hidden from view
Were three rings of power
And the master ring too
Here, said the master ring
I am your man
But he fell into fire
So who gives a damn?

Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
He fell into fire
So who gives a damn?

Blue is Vilya
I am the best
The master is melted
So I rule the rest
I'm not what I used to be
Neither are you
But I'm solid and gorgeous
and off on a cruise

Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
I'm solid and gorgeous
and off on a cruise

White is Nenya
Let me escape
Galadriel's lost it
She's a fruit cake
I may have no powers
But neither have you
Vilya, hiya,
Please, don't be blue

Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Vilya, hiya,
Please don't be blue

Red is Narya
I am the fire
On wrinkled fingers
Time to retire
But Vilya, Nenya
At least we survived
Let's get our wearers to do the High Fives

Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Boop Boop diddum daddum waddum choo
Vilya, Nenya
At least we survived
Let's get our wearers to do the High Fives

Cirdan: (to Gandalf) Wait a minute... let me see that! (looks closely at Gandalf's ring) Why... that... (sputters and turns red in the face, and then...) GILLIGANDIEL!!!!

[A gangly, dark-haired elf with a goofy white hat pulled down over his ears comes careening down the dock. He carries a wooden tray that holds drinks in coconut shells with little umbrellas]

Gilligandiel: I'm coming, Skipper! Whoops! (trips, tray goes flying, drinks splatter all over Elrond)

Elrond: [GASP] My Dior!

Gilligandiel: (looks sheepish) Sorry. I'll go get some more.

Cirdan: (takes off his cap and whaps Gilligandiel with it) Not yet, you won't! Take a look at that! (points at Gandalf's ring)

Gilligandiel: Hey, it's your old ring!

Cirdan: Which I've only been looking for for the last fifteen hundred years!

Gilligandiel: But... you told me to give it to him!

Cirdan: What?! I never...!

Gilligandiel: I remember that we were talking about the new wizard who had just arrived, Mithrandir, here, and you handed me the ring to polish and said, "You've got to hand it to him..."

Cirdan: I didn't mean the ring, you nincompoop! (whaps Gilligandiel repeatedly) Now, go and get some more boat drinks! (Gilligandiel cowers and runs off)

Elrond: Gandalf, old boy, I'm glad to see you'll be joining us. There is the small matter of those debts...

Bilbo: (jerking awake) You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid.

Sam: Oh, that's right, Mr. Gandalf, sir. You still owe Mr. Frodo for the Hornburgers, too.

Gandalf: Well, I, er... Oh, here's Gilligandiel with the drinks!

[Gilligandiel passes out coconut boat drinks to everyone]

Cirdan: Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women!

[They all take a drink. Suddenly, a high-pitched humming sound rises into the air]

Frodo: What's that sound?

Gandalf: It seems to be coming from Galadriel's direction.

[Everyone turns to look at Galadriel, who is running her finger around the rim of her drink]

Sam: Beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but how do you do that?

Galadriel: (giggles) Oh, Spam, it's simple! Just wet your finger in that succulent mouth of yours, then run your wet finger around the crystal.

Sam: (blush) Um... All right (he gives it a try, with no luck). Wait... crystal? These are coconut shells!

[Galadriel giggles and continues to run her finger around the rim of her cup]

Sam: Wait a minute... That sound isn't coming from her cup. It's coming from Gildor!

Gildor: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......

Elrond: Galadriel, my dear, could you step over here for a moment?

Galadriel: Why certainly, handsome! (she steps away from Gildor and the sound abruptly stops)

Gildor: ...eeeeeeeyowch! (picks up and rubs his foot) Oh, thank Iluvatar!

Odd Narrator: Soon it came time to board the hovercraft, and the miscellaneous elves solemnly began filing on board.

Elf #43: Road trip! Whoo-hoo!

Elf #51: (singing) Boat drinks! Boys in the bar ordered boat drinks!

Elf #52: Shut up, you sonuva... sonuva...

Elf #43: SAILOR!

Elf #52: Um, yeah, that's what I was gonna say.

Elf #43: Yeah, right. Now, shut up and chew on this...

Elf #52: What is it?

Elf #43: Juicyfruit, it's good for the soul. (snicker)

Elf #52: Whatever. (mutters) Stupid Parrotheads.

Elf #51: (sings) I wanna go where the pace of life's slow, can you beam me somewhere, Mr. Scott...

Elf #52: (shakes head) A couple thousand years old and the maturity level of college freshmen. It's gonna be a long voyage...

Elf #51: (sings) I wanna go where it's warm!

Elf #57: Hey, do you know "Hornburger in Paradise?"

Elf #52: (sigh)

Odd Narrator: Sam was now sorrowful at heart, for though he was gaining three good-sized rooms, good baby-sitters were hard to find! But even as he stood there, trying to figure out who would look after the baby on a Friday night, up rode Merry and Pippin. He imagined leaving his precious child with Merry and Pippin, and then began to weep in earnest.

Merry: Gotcha, Gandalf, you thieving old geezer! Thought you could get away without paying us back, eh?

Pippin: You still owe us for all those super-sized Hornburger meals, and the dry-cleaning bills! Oh... Hi, Frodo! Going somewhere? (Merry thwacks the back of Pippin's head) Ow! I was just kidding! Sheesh.

Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well wishers or distant relations!

[Pippin and Merry look at Bilbo quizzically and then turn to Frodo, but Frodo just shakes his head with an expression of chagrin]

Frodo: How did you know to come? (looks sideways at Sam) Did someone tattle on me again?

Merry: Actually, a little moth told us.

Pippin: A disgruntled moth with a grudge against Gandalf.

Merry: Something about an on-the-job fatality and failure to compensate life insurance benefits...

[Gandalf suddenly seems very interested in cloud formations.]

Merry: Anyway, the poor little thing told us that Gandalf would be meeting you here.

Pippin: You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo.

Merry: I can't believe you tried again. (pulls a shopping bag labeled "Victoria Chubb's Secret" from his saddle-bag.)

Frodo: I just thought you'd like something to remember me by. I still have the receipt if it's not the right size...

Merry: That's not the issue, here.

Frodo: What am I gonna do with a slip in Valinor, anyway? Minas Tirith maybe...

Gandalf: (clears throat) I'd be glad to take that off your hands, lads.

Frodo: (looks askance at Gandalf) It's hardly your size...

Gandalf: Oh, don't worry! It's warm in Valinor. It will be the perfect length with my mini-skirts.

Frodo: (looking vaguely ill) Um. Okay. (takes the bag from a snickering Merry and gives it to Gandalf.)

Merry: Look at poor Sam. Buck up, lad! At least you'll have us to ride back with. Look at you... You're a blubbering mess!

Sam: (sniffle) You're one to talk! I saw you guys when you rode up. Bawling your heads off, the both of you. Look... Pip's still got tears on his face!

Pippin: (wiping face quickly) Nah... it was just the... the onions on the Hornburger take-out we ate on the way!

Frodo: I'll bet. Is that why you were late and almost missed us?

Merry: Well, it wasn't the Hornburgers so much as the ruffians we happened across...

Pippin: Mmmmm... leftover ruffian...

Frodo and Sam: Eeeewww...

Pippin: (defensive) Hey! They were still fresh!

Merry: [snork!] Fresh ruffians. (sultry voice) Hey, big boy! Come over here and unhinge that jaw of yours.

Pippin: [snicker] Cut that out. (glances down at the beach) Wow, check out the beach... all that sand... Ooh! Merry, let's build sandcastles!

Merry: This is hardly the time, Pip...

Pippin: Oh, puh-leeze! I've never played in real beach sand before!

Merry: Wellll.... (looks doubtfully at Frodo)

Frodo: Oh, go ahead. Look, the miscellaneous elves are still boarding, so there's still time.

Pippin: Whoo-hoo! Last one there's a rotten clam! (runs down to the beach with Merry in tow)

[Sometime later]

Merry: You know, this sand isn't the best for castles. I was going for Orthanc, here, but it looks more like Weathertop.

Pippin: I know what you mean. I gave up on castles and went for sculpture instead.

Merry: (eyeing Pippin's "creation") And what, precisely, is that?

Pippin: (proudly) It's a carrot, of course!

Merry: Looks more like something else, to me! [snicker]

Pippin: What? (studies his sculpture, laughs) Hey, that gives me a great idea! NAKED TIME!

Merry: Now?! With all this... sand!?

Bilbo: (suddenly, still ignored) And it's times like that my lad, when you'll have to be extra careful!

Pippin: My dear Merry, the first rule of Naked Time is: Never Let Anything Stand in Your Way. That includes chafing.

[Merry looks helplessly up at Frodo, who smiles and shrugs]

Pippin: Hey, that's a great idea! One last group naked time!

Frodo: Huh? Wait a minute...

Pippin: Come on. For old time's sake?

[Frodo and Sam look at each other, grin, and run down to the beach, shedding clothes as they go...]

Odd Narrator: Finally, all the miscellaneous elves were on board, the hobbits were dressed again, and it was time for everyone to say their good-byes.

Gandalf: Well, dear friends, our fellowship in Middle-earth is at last coming to an end. Go in peace!

Pippin: WAAAAHHHHHHHH! WAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAA! (gulp, gasp) WAAAHHH...

Merry: Pip! Hey, Pippin!

Pippin: WAAAHAAAAAAA!

Merry: (yelling) Yo! Pippin! Gandalf said, "go in peace," not "go to pieces."

Pippin: He did? (Merry rolls his eyes) Oh. Heh heh. Sorry. I'll just do some restrained sniffling, then.

Merry: There's a good lad. You were saying, Gandalf?

Gandalf: Remember my friends, not all tears are an evil, unless of course your eyes get all puffy and you look like someone's been punching you in the face...

Sam: Hey! (snuffle) Some of us can't help that!

Gandalf: Nobody wants to see puffy. So, if you're Frodo, and can weep while looking very pretty... weep! Otherwise keep a stiff upper lip... it's a movie for Eru's sake.

Sam: Well, that's hardly fair! But you're right about Mr. Frodo. Never seen lovelier cryin' in all my days. Go ahead, sir, show 'em.

Frodo: (embarrassed) Um... well... okay. Give me a sec.

[pause]

Sam: Nothin's happening.

Frodo: Hold on... I'm trying to find proper motivation...

Sam: Motivation! You're leaving the Shire and Middle-earth forever!

Frodo: Actually, I'm sort of looking forward to it. Perfect weather, peace and quiet, and all those elf maidens...

Sam: But... but, you're leaving ME!

Frodo: Sorry... Still nothing.

Sam: Um... no more Merry and Pippin?

[Frodo glances at Merry and Pippin, who have been distracted by an impromptu pinching competition.]

Frodo: (rolls eyes) No good.

Sam: How about... Gandalf in a mini-skirt?

Frodo: Waaahhhh!

Sam: There we go. That's a sight to beho-whoa! What's all that black stuff on your face?

Frodo: Huh? Black stuff? (puts fingertips to face and then looks at them) Mascara! Why, those incompetent... MAKEUP!

[A few minutes later... after a hurried search turned up some waterproof mascara.]

Frodo: Okay, let's try this again... (a single tear slides down Frodo's cheek) Nuts! I'm afraid that's all I can manage for now. I've completely lost my concentration.

Sam: That's all right, sir. A very pretty tear, it was.

Frodo: Thanks, Sam. Hey, everybody, can we just go right to the kissing good-bye part?

Everybody: (mumble, shuffle, mumble) Yeah... okay... I suppose so...

Merry: Hold on! [spritzes breath spray]

Pippin: [breath spray]

Frodo: [Pops an Altoid]

Sam: [Pops a *cinnamon* Altoid)

Frodo: Whoa Dude! Cinnamon! Okay... Let's do this thing (sigh).

Odd Narrator: And so Frodo stepped in front of Merry and Pippin, and stunned everyone (especially Merry and Pippin) by planting a big ol' wet sloppy kiss on each of them. Inspired by Frodo's... ehm... enthusiastic affection, soon everyone was hugging and kissing everyone else (though with a bit more restraint when Elrond was involved). Galadriel even giggled her way over to Bill the Pony, but Sam intercepted her before she could kiss him.

Then it was time for Frodo to say farewell to Sam...

Sam: Well, I guess this is it.

Frodo: Yes, I guess so. Good-bye, Sam. (punches Sam's shoulder)

Sam: Good-bye. (punches Frodo's shoulder)

Frodo: Make sure you set my rabbits free when you get home, Sam. I would have done it myself, but then we would have ended up with a ship full of bunnies.

Sam: I'll take care of it, sir. You can count on me.

Frodo: I always have, Sam.

[They stand awkwardly for a moment]

Sam: I'm gonna miss you somethin' terrible, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: I know, Sam. Me, too. Well, so long. (holds out his hand)

Sam: (shakes Frodo's hand) 'Bye.

[pause]

Frodo: Oh, who are we kidding? Come here! (opens his arms for a hug)

Sam: (hesitating, looks around) I dunno, Mr. Frodo. You know how stuff like that seems to give the screenwriters. ideas about us.

Frodo: Oh, Sam, I've seen the state that the screenwriters are in just now, and believe me, they're in no condition to interfere with this.

Sam: You're sure?

Frodo: Trust me.

Sam: Okay. (flings himself into Frodo's arms and they lock in an embrace)

[Suddenly, catcalls and wolf-whistles coming from Merry and Pippin's direction interrupt them]

Sam: (glares) You're ones to talk, after the kisses he gave you two! And I saw it and I'M not leaving on any ship!

[Merry and Pippin suddenly have nothing to say, and Sam and Frodo embrace once more]

Frodo: You take care of yourself, Sam.

Sam: Oh, you don't have to worry about me. You just get well, you hear me?

Frodo: (smiles) Yes, sir. [pause] I love you, you know.

Sam: I know. Me, too.

Odd Narrator: And with a final kiss, the two friends parted and Frodo boarded the hovercraft with the others. Merry and Pippin stood with Sam as they waited for the hovercraft to depart. And waited. And waited.

Pippin: (whispering) Psst! Merry? What's going on?

Merry: He's leaving, you twit!

Pippin: No, not that! I mean, the thing's just sitting there.

Merry: Oh, that! I don't know.

Pippin: Look! They're getting off again! What's up with that?

[Cirdan, looking sheepish, points the group to a nearby ship]

Cirdan: Sorry, folks! Technical difficulties. We'll have to make do with this rather antiquated vessel, but she will get you there all right!

Frodo: (approaches the waiting hobbits, looking embarrassed) Well. Heh. This is awkward... (opens his arms with a questioning look on his face)

Merry: Oh, no. Been there.

Pippin: Done that.

Frodo: Aw, come on! (hopefully) Sam?

Sam: ENOUGH with the hugging and kissing, already. I have a reputation to maintain, you know.

Frodo: Oh, all right. (sigh) Well, good-bye!

Sam, Pippin and Merry: 'Bye!

Odd Narrator: With a last wave, Frodo went on board the ship, and he stood at the side next to Bilbo, gazing back at his dear friends.

Bilbo: I regret to announce this is the end. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.

[Everyone stops what they're doing and stares at Bilbo]

Frodo: Wow. Maybe there's something left of the old codger in there, after all.

Bilbo: There I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls!

Frodo: Or not.

Cirdan: Okay, listen up, people! I'm afraid it's going to be slow going for awhile, as there's only a light wind. But just hang tight, and hopefully it will pick up later on!

(Silarien)

Elrond: [Leaping on to the quarterdeck as the sails hung almost empty] Blessed peace! Fond silence! Oh the stillness of the sea. All is calm. Hush. The world is soundless, my heart as quiet as a newborn's breath ...

Bilbo: zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Elrond: ... I am speechless, mute, in awe of nature's lull. Reticent, tongue-tied, and deprived of my voice ...

Elves: YAWN

Sails: [Beginning to fill with hot air] Yummy!

Elrond: ... Lost for words I stand here under the quelled spirit of the wind that blows to Valinor. Communing dumbly with the vacancy. Mystical with contemplation. In eternal meditation under an unmoving sky ...

Elves: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sails: [Bursting at the seams] Here we goooooooooooooooooo

(Russ)

Odd Narrator: (Hopping into a waiting Zodiac) Wait Mr. Frodo, you wouldn't leave without your Narrator!

Jacques the Zodiac Guy: NO! Mon Dieu! Zees ees only a zodiac! Ow can we keep up wees zat? Why look, even now eet rises up onto eet's hydrofoyals!

Gandalf: WAHHHHHHH-HOOOOOOO!

Odd Narrator: But he's got to take breath sometime.

Jacques: What? Alerond? Stop for breaths? You are a silly man! Hey! Pierre! Leezen to zees!

Odd Narrator: But I won't be able to finish the story! What will I do? Where will I go?

Jacques: Frawnklee mon ami, I do not geeve a damn! But eef you enseest on doieeng somseen, then I sogjest zat you just make eet up for zee boat fellows and then you follow zee ozairs and narrate zeir stor-ie.

Odd Narrator: Well, I guess I could do that.

Jacques: But of course you can!

Odd Narrator: I'll do eet...um, it. And so as the ship sailed away into the night, Frodo sttod upon the bow and moped.

Gandalf: So what else is new?

Odd Narrator: Tell me about it! Anyhow, on went the ship into the west until on the third day...

Elf: Uh-oh, Elrond's winding down. What are we going to do now?

Gandalf: Got it covered, just follow my lead. Yo Elrond!

Elrond: ...And so say I, Elrond, mightiest of the Elf-Lords of old. Yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: Could you tell us the story of how hair grows?

Elrond: I don't know Gandalf, it's a pretty long tale and...

Elf: Oh puhleeeeeeeze Elrond!

Gandalf: Yes Elrond, it's a lovely story and you tell it so well.

Elrond: Well, since you insist, It all started on a fine spring day, long, long, ago in the infancy of the first age...

Bilbo: zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Elrond: ... in those days hair was but a gleam in Eru's eye...

Elves: YAWN

Sails: [Beginning to fill with hot air] Yummy!

Elrond: ... only the mightiest of creatures had hair. The bear, the Lion, the Ox, the Chipmunk, the Horse, the...

Elves: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sails: [Bursting at the seams] Here we goooooooooooooooooo

Gandalf: Now we're cookin' with gas baby!

Frodo: Mope.

Gandalf: Aw Frodo, chin up lad! We're on our way to Valinor! Where the streets are paved with gold and hot sausages grow on trees and the rivers run gold with ale and everyone loves everyone else and life ain't nuthin' but a party! Can you dig it?

Frodo: No.

Gandalf: Dude, you are hard to please!

Frodo: I'm sorry, it's just that the rain and the shadow and...

Gandalf: Okay, I think I get the idea.

Frodo: ...and gigantic red eyes and creatures on great winged steeds and...

Gandalf: Gotcha. Well I gotta be...

Frodo: ...and the darkness of Mordor and always the ring. The ring, the ring.

Gandalf: Sigh. Okay, tell me about it.

Frodo: It all started on that fateful day on Weathertop...

[Later...]

Elf spokes-person: Gandalf, you have got to make him quit. Look!

(The elves have made a noose and are in the process of throwing it over a yard arm. Amidships, the plank is being fitted out and others are leaping to certain death.)

Gandalf: Frodo, ixnay on the opingmay.

Frodo: Oh Gandalf, I'm sorry but...

Lookout: LAND HO!

Frodo: Wha? What's that smell?

Gandalf: Ahem, I ate a little too much of Cirdans beans last ni...

Frodo: No, not that smell, THAT smell! Like the rain on freshly cut grass and warm biscuits with honey...

Gandalf: (smiles) Why that my lad is the scent of Valinor which even now we draw near!

Frodo: Wow. I feel better already!

Gandalf: Look up.

(overhead the sky is turning a bright shade of blue)

Frodo: The rain is letting up! And what's that sound?

Music: Sweet Home Alabama...

Gandalf: That's Lynrd Skynrd, they'll be here all week.

Frodo: Oooooooo!

Gandalf: And after that Ozfest comes to town! We tried to get the Lilith Faire, but Sara Maclaughlin isn't doing it anymore and without her it just wouldn't be the

same.

Frodo: Oz-fest is cool.

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: Then, as Frodo clutched his Limbo trophy in wonder the rainbow turned to skittles, and was rolled back. And beyond were great golden arches gleaming and a sign blinking. Welcome to Valinor! We love to See you Smile!

(Russ)

Frodo: (running to the prow of the boat) Would ya look at that!

Gandalf: Feeling Better?

Frodo: F*** YES! (leans out over the bow) I feel like I'm, feel like I'm, I'm, I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!

Odd Narrator: And so comes the end of Frodo's part in this tale. Finally. It really did go on for quite a bit longer than it needed to, but you know how the screenwriters are, never use one word when three or four will do. Anyway, back to Sam...

Pippin: (whispers) I was starting to think he'd never leave!

Merry: Sh! (thwack!) Can't you see that Sam's taking this hard?

Understudy Narrator: And indeed, Sam stood watching the waves long into the night, and the sound of them sank deep into his heart.

Waves: (sigh) (murmur) (whimper) (SIGH)

Sam: Damn! That sounds just like Frodo!

(merithehobbit)

Merry: [whispering] Pssst...Sam?

Sam: [sniff] [wipes at face] Uh...yeah Merry?

Merry: [whispering] Um... are we going to stand here all night, it's kinda damp and cold...I think Pip's armor is starting to rust.

Pippin: [whispering] Hey...I can't raise my arm now...[creccckk] Oil Can...I need an oil can?

Sam: Uh...why are you whispering?

Merry: [whispering] It's in the contract...we're not supposed to talk the WHOLE way home!

Sam: [eyebrows go up] Really? [grin] Well lets get going then.

Understudy Narrator: Wha? Where...oh Ahem...The three companions turned from the shore and never looked back...bless them!

Sam: We can't look back? Are you sure?

Understudy Narrator: Oh yes, it says here you'll turn into a pillar of salt if you do.

Sam: Really...a pillar of salt...uh...which script are you reading from?

Understudy Narrator: Well, the light is bad, but it looks like The Lord of the Rings...it's big and thick and has lots of wise words and good stories inside.

Pippin: Are you sure that's not this other big book that people read religiously?

Understudy Narrator: Are you questioning me? Because I can make it so you have no food!

Pippin: Nope...Pillars of Salt it is...not surprising...judging on the humidity and proximity to the ocean...[whistles]

Sam: [horrified] [mutters to himself] Will not look back, will not look back, will not look back. [starts to turn]

Pippin: SAM...I think you should wear my armor...ain't NO way you're turning and looking back, it's rusted up to my neck. [hoists breastplate onto Sam]

Sam: Thanks Pip!

Understudy Narrator: Shh! It says you're not supposed to talk the whole way home.

Merry: [whispering] Oh yeah!

Understudy Narrator: So the hobbits made the long and slow sad journey home in silence, reflecting on their adventures, and how weird it was to see all their friends float off into oblivion...even their constant companion Odd Narrator was gone...[grins] [whispering] and I got a raise! After a long while a beeping melody interrupted the silence...huh?

Beeping melody #1: [Tri trilly doll, Bombadil is a goofy fellow, New leather jacket but his boots are still yellow.]

Sam: [jumps nearly out of his saddle] WHA!

Merry: [whispering] Oh that's mine...I need to pick out a new ringer, but it was that or Riverdance. [checks his cell phone]

Merry's Cell Phone: Merry, I'm HUNGRY ! PIP

Merry: [begins to furiously push buttons]

Pippin: [snicker]

Beeping melody #2: [You deserve a break to daayyyy...at Hornburger..]

Pippin: [whispering] Oh that's mine. [checks cell phone]

Pippin's Cell Phone: What's new? : D -- M!

Pippin: [grins] [starts pushing buttons]

Merry: [snicker]

Sam: You know those little LCD screens give off a lot of light...

Understudy Narrator: Shhh, Sam! Sheesh it doesn't say you're exempt from the silence.

Sam: [scowl] [whispers] Fine. [whips out his cell and begins pushing buttons when it rings, frightening him and he nearly drops it.]

Beeping melody #3: [When the cold of winter comes, starless night will cover day...in the veiling of the sun...we will walk in bitter rain...but in dreams...]

Sam: [sniff]

Sam's Cell phone: S-Pip wants to stop for a bite? - M!

Sam: [concentrates on pushing buttons, tongue sticking out...sending his message with great flourish.]

Merry and Sam's Cell phones: [You deserve a break to daayyyy...at Hornburger..]

[Tri trilly doll, Bombadil is a goofy fellow, New leather jacket but his boots are still yellow.]

Merry: OOOH! Sam...two at once!

Understudy Narrator: SHH!

Merry: [snicker]

Merry and Sam's Cell Phones: Cnt' U 2 wait 4 a fw mre Hrs..? SG

Understudy Narrator: So the three hobbits skirted the rules and messaged each other until the batteries ran low and soon everyone was sick of their ringers.

Pippin: [snork] [singing in opera voice] Oh I have an ideaaaaa!

Merry: [grinning] [singing in opera voice] If we're not allowed to talk and our phones are dead...we can sing our conversations...converrrrrsasions! [high fives Pippin]

Sam: [smiles] [singing in deep baratone opera voice] There's using your head Mister Merry! Music will keep us from the unbearable silence...the depression...missing our favorite blue eyed friend....[sigh]

Pippin: [singing in falsetto] Oooohh, Sam! He will be happier, and you have Rosie to come home to!

Merry: [singing in staccato opera voice] How...oh...how...do...you...do...that...Pip...singing...so high?

Pippin: [snicker] [singing in falsetto] I just hitch up my knickers and twist my belt just soooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Merry: [snork] [singing opera] OOOUUCCCH!

Sam: [sigh] [singing the blues] I will really miss Mister Frodo...

Merry: [singing opera] Oh Sam...we know...do not try to hide your true feelings...we all know you are just sad because you have to go home and change diapers...nowwwww!

Pippin: [Singing all perkily] Here Sam, Merry and I will serenade you...

Merry: [grins broadly, and sings] Oh yes...and a one and a two..

(Idril, Bunniebug)

It's a world of sausage, A world of ham
It's a world of bacon, a world of spam
There's so much that we eat, barely room for a treat
It's a small meal after all

There's an all-you-can-eat, so let's stand in line.
If there's just one cake, then we'll share; that's fine
So much new we can try but the time just flies by
It's a small meal after all

It's a small meal after all
It's a small meal after all
It's a small meal after all
It's a small, small meal

(merithehobbit)

Sam: ACK! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Understudy Narrator: Oh that song just sticks in my craw!! SHHH! Sam!

Sam: [glare] [sticks fingers in his ears] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

Understudy Narrator: I had no idea how annoying these guys could be...Hey PJ is there any way I can trade with Odd?

PJ: Nope, he's on the ocean remember.

Understudy Narrator: [sigh] So the two hobbits tried to cheer up Sam by singing song after song, and singing any and all conversation...but mostly just coming up with various versions of the most annoying songs imaginable.

Pippin: Oooh...[clears throat and sings]

(Bunnie)

This is the song that doesn't end
It just goes on and on my friend
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was
And they'll just go on singing it forever just because
This is the song that doesn't end
It just goes on and on my friend
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was
And they'll just go on singing it forever just because
This is the song that doesn't end
It just goes on and on my friend...

(merithehobbit)

Understudy Narrator: Props!! Need Earplugs!! NEED THEM NOW! [puts earplugs in and sits quietly as Pippin sings for hours on end.] Oh once Pippin had to stop and get a drink of water, Merry piped up interrupting his song that never ended.

Merry: OOOOOOOOH!

I love you,
You love me,
We're all hobbits,
You can see,
With a lot of food
And a pipe all full of weed,
Thinking of your every need!

Sam: [looking ahead with a disgruntled face] [sigh]

Understudy Narrator: Suddenly Sam perked up considerably...

Sam: Well I'll be! It's the SHIRE! We can talk now!! You can stop SINGING! And lookie...it's Bag End...off in the distance! [happy sigh] I can go home to the quiet of my hearth and home, and be rid of these two annoying singing hobbit heroes beside me!

Merry: Hey!

Pippin: Who you calling annoying, Mister...

Merry: Who are you calling heroes? There's only one and it's ME!

Pippin: No it's not!

Merry: Yes it is!

Pippin: No it's not!

Merry: Yes it is!

Understudy Narrator: Sam waved at the two arguing hobbits and headed home, while Merry and Pippin headed over to the Green Dragon to discuss their hero status over an ale.

(Idril)

Sam: It's nice seeing the lights all peeking out of the windows. Looks all homey!

[Screeech! Waaaaaiiiill! Moooaaaaaan!]

Sam: Holy socks! What's that racket?

Rosie: Sam? Is that you? Thank heavens... get in here quick! [grabs Sam by the shirt and drags him into Bag End.]

Sam: [covering ears] What's going on?

Rosie: It's those crazy screenwriters. It's been like this all afternoon. Here, take the baby, sheesh!

Elanor: WAAAAHHHHH!!!!

[Sam opens the window and leans out, holding Elanor over his shoulder]

Sam: What in the hell are you people doing out there? You're scaring the baby!

Screenwriters (all except for Screenwriter #2 who's too manly to wail): Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Sam: Shush! Geeze!

Various Screenwriters: [sob] [wail]

Sam: Why are you crying?

Screenwriter #1: [hiccup] This is the last part of the story and it's so sad!

Sam: It's not sad.

Screenwriter #2: Yes it is.

Screenwriter #3: [hiccup]

Elanor: [hiccup, eurp]

Sam: No it's not.

Screenwriter #2: Yuh huh!

Sam: Nuh uh! [wipes off eurpies]

Screenwriter #3: But Frodo's GONE!

Sam: Well that's the way things were meant to be. He's with Gandalf for heaven's sake. They'll have a blast.

Screenwriter #3: But STILL!

Elanor: [pulls hair]

Sam: Ow. What are you really crying about?

Screenwriters: [Sniffle] Frodo [mutter] Yes Frodo! [mutter mutter] So sad! [mutter] [hiccup]

Sam: [raises an eyebrow]

Screenwriter #1: Ummmm.... like you two won't see each other again?

Sam: [raises the other eyebrow]

Screenwriter #1: OKAY OKAY!! We're crying because the story is OVER! [WAIL!!]

All Screenwriters (except #2): WAAAAHHHHHH!

Screenwriter #2: [sniffle] [sniffle] [whimp-*cough*cough*] Ahem!

Sam: It's not over for me, I'm about to have supper.

Screenwriter #4: [sob] And we don't get to write about it!

Screenwriters: WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Sam: HELLO! You people need to find something else to do!

[pause]

[Screenwriters look around at each other]

Screenwriter #5: (raising her hand) Like what?

Sam: Instead of obsessing about Middle-Earth so much, why not look for the joyful things in your own world? Why not make your own home better? Bake your neighbor a loaf of bread. Take a walk and find your favorite tree. Cook up a big pot of stew for your folks. Plant some herbs!

[pause]

Sam: Go surfing?

[pause]

Screenwriter #2: Oooh. I know, we could write the Appendices!

Screenwriters: Yeah!

Screenwriter #4: That sounds great! I've got a great crackpot theory about the birth of Elladan and Elrohir.

Screenwriter #3: And we need to tell the real story about Aragorn and Arwen's first date, too.

Screenwriters: [mutter mutter] Yeah [mutter mutter]

Sam: [rolls his eyes] I should have known. Goodnight everybody!

Screenwriters: Goodnight Sam. We'll miss you!

The end.

Screenwriter #2: Nooooooooo! The next day dawned bright and clear. Sam woke early and -- OW!

Sam: Now GIT! Next time it'll be more than an apple.

The end, Dammit!