(Meri)
Odd Narrator: It was after nightfall when...
FLASH!
KAAABOOOOM!
[rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Frodo: Aw dangit. rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Sam: Not again! rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Pippin: And I just polished! rain rain Merry: You'd think we'd at least get home... rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain ra Frodo: My toes are muddy. in rain rain ra Pippin: All this humidity and the armor is giving me a rash! in rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Sam: [Sigh] It is good for the plants. rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain ra Pippin: Alright, [gets out sword] Where's that screenwriter? in rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Merry: I can't see! It's RAINING too hard! [grumble] rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Screenwriter: [snicker] rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain ra Pippin: I heard that... she must be over... in rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rai Frodo: There... there she is. [points] n rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Sam: LET'S GET HER! rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain [Hobbits all run] rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain [Hobbits all slip and fall] rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain r Screenwriter: [snicker] ain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Merry: DUDE? What the? rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Pippin: The Bridge has a... rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Frodo: ... new sign? rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Sam: Huh! rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Merry: And check out those condos! rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rainn rain rain rain rain rain ra Pippin: Someone's been hornin' in on your real estate turf there Mer! in rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain ra Frodo: Well, there's a new gate bell [pulls rope] in rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Bell: [Ding Dong] rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain Pippin: Ding Dongs sound good about now. rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain rain]
Odd Narrator: Okay stop that! Stupid Screenwriters... THROUGH the rain... the hobbits heard a voice.
Voice: May I help you?
Sam: Uh. We'd like to come in?
Voice: And you are?
Sam: I thought I got to yell and be all angry?
Voice: Nope, parody remember?
Frodo: It's Frodo Baggins, savior of all of Middle Earth... I have a bunch of medals and a missing finger?
Voice: Hmm, not on the list...
Frodo: Gandalf sent me on this quest... to save the world... I've been to Mt. Doom...
Voice: I'll need to see some ID.
Frodo: ID?
Voice: You know, Cart License, Certificate of Immunization, Note from the King.
Frodo: I need a note?
Sam: We are from the Shire! Hobbits... my dad's the Gaffer... everyone knows him... gafferisms?
Voice: Um... no.
Sam: NO?
Voice: You'll have to wait.
Sam: It's raining!
Merry: Hey, I recognize you... you're that twerp that picked on me in second grade!
Voice: Moi?
Merry: Yeah you... Hob Hayward... of the Booger Pickin' Haywards!
Hob: Dangit!
Different Voice: See I told you your voice was too nasal to do this part.
Hob: Shut up.
Merry: Open up!
Hob: Um... no?
Merry: [scowling] WHAT?
Hob: I can't... I don't have the gate key.
Merry: Well, who has it?
Hob: The Chief... up at Bag End.
Pippin: Huh?
Frodo: Do you mean Lotho?
Hob: I suppose, but we all just call him Chief.
Frodo: Really? [snork] One day he just declared that everyone should start calling him by one name? Who does he think he is? Madonna?
Pippin: [snerf] Eminem?
Merry: [giggle] Meatloaf?
Sam: [chuckle] Coolio?
Frodo: Or how bout Shakira?
Pippin: No... Yanni?
Merry: [snork] Enya?
Sam: Oooh! Ichiro?
Frodo: Good one... Pelé?
Pippin: Aha! Ronaldo?
Merry: Gotta have Rivaldo?
Sam: And Ronaldinho?
Frodo: Oooh Oooh! STING?
Sting: Hey!
Frodo: [snicker]
Hob: Um... well, he thought Chief sounded cool, so yeah we're all supposed to call him that... we all thought he was being unique!
Frodo: As if!
Merry: Well, let us in Hob.
Hob: I told you I can't.
Merry: Come on Pip... let's climb the fence and beat the tar out of him.
Pippin: Alright, but if I ding my armor you're rubbing out the dents for me.
Hob: Squeak!
(BunnieBugs)
[Merry and Pippin climb over the fence, and suddenly hobbits scatter and flee.]
Merry: Ha! Cowards!
Pippin: The wusses! Hey... look at my breastplate! It better not be a scratch...
Merry: If it is, we can use your hair to buff it out.
Pippin: YOUR hair, you mean. This was your idea...
Horn: Toot-tooty-toot!
Pippin: What was that about?
Merry: Look! Over there...
[A large figure appears in the doorway of one of the larger condos]
Figure: (snarling) What's going on here? Who's Gate-crashing? Don't you know there's a cover charge?
Pippin: (to Merry) Hey! That's no bouncer... that's...
Merry: (to Pippin) Bill Ferny!
Bill Ferny: You! Get out of here before I snap your necks like twigs...
Merry and Pippin's Swords: (being drawn) SSSHHPPLIIIINNNGGGGG!
Bill Ferny: Oh... say! Heh, heh. Wait a minute, I know you. Of course you're on the list. Heh, heh! Come right in... No charge for you lads...
Merry: Nice try, Bill Ferny! But not good enough. Now, unlock that gate, or I shall let my sword have a piece of you!
Merry's Sword: Oh, please, please, please! I've been so bored for weeks! Just a little slice?
Merry: And once the gate is open, all I want to see is your hind end going through it! You are a scoundrel and a thief!
Pippin: Is that all you can think of to call him? Why, I've got a list here of much better insults... hold on, it's in my pack...
Frodo: Um, guys? Think you could move this along?
Pippin: But they're really good! I've been holding onto them for just such an occasion...
Merry: Pip! It's late. Just brandish your sword, okay?
Pippin: (sulkily) Okay.
Pippin's Sword: (brandishing) Ha! Take that! See me glitter in the lantern-light?
Bill Ferny: (FLINCH)
Pippin's Sword: Ooh, it's working!
Merry's Sword: Whoo-hoo! This is fun! I still want a slice though...
[Bill Ferny unlocks the gate]
Merry: Now, give me the key!
Bill: Catch! (flings key at Merry's head) Nyah! Can't catch me! Losers!
[Bill Ferny runs through the gate and into the darkness]
Bill the Pony: That's what you think... Hi-YAH! (Bill the Pony lets fly with a kick at Bill the Ferny's backside)
Bill Ferny: EEEYOWCH!!!!! (runs off, yelping like a wounded dog) Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai...
Odd Narrator: And he was never heard from again. Gotta love that.
Sam: Nice moves, Bill!
Bill the Pony: Heh, heh! Thanks! Picked up a little Tai-kwan-do in Bree.
Merry: (to the guard hobbits) Well, so much for your bouncer! We'll see the Cheese -- I mean the Chief -- later.
Pippin: [snicker!]
Merry: Give us one of the condos for the night, 'kay?
Hob: No can do, sir.
Merry: What? Why?
Hob: Rules is rules. Not allowed to take folks in and let them eat extra food and all... and if you don't mind my saying so, you and Mr. Peregrin look awful big, and well, he already sort of has a reputation, and we'll get in big trouble if we let you eat all the food...
Pippin: I've got a reputation? Cool!
Merry: What's the deal? Bad harvest year?
Hob: No, it's not that. We just don't ever see much of what was harvested.
Pippin: So I don't even have a chance to live up to my reputation?
Hob: Afraid not.
Pippin: Dang! Well, just the condo, then. Or even just one room of a condo. The floor, even! Trust me, I've done worse!
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits still stood confused at the gate. They knew that they must have broken some rule as 5 hobbits went by them. Four were doing rolling summer salts on either side of the 5th who was twirling a lantern above his head while going, "EE OO EE OO EE OO". But no one dared confront the hobbits as they were especially frightened of Pippin, who appeared as though he would eat them now that he had mutated. Frodo had the door locked and the hobbits made their way to the guard condo.
The first floor of the guard condo had one of those tricky new-fangled fireplaces. Sam didn't know what to make of heat coming from fake wood. Then on the second floor there were rows of beds, and lists of rules on all of the walls like: Rule 1: "No Seagull Poop Allowed." and, Rule 2: "No Singing Swords".
Sting: I dream of rai.. ieie... an. I dream of gardens in the desert...
Frodo: SHOOSH!!
Sting: Oh. [pouts]
Odd Narrator: ... sand... I wake in pain, I dream of love... [ahem] And Pippin broke Rule #4 when he snorked.
Pippin: SNORK! Hey Merry, quit makin' me laugh! And there will be no touching of the bum! I don't care if you even say it's in memory of Boromir!
Merry: But I didn't touch your bum! Dude... you're hallucinating.
Pippin: Hallucina... Say! Why don't we have a toke smoke?
Hob: Sorry... we're all out of weed. Only the big Cheese's...
Pippin: Mmmmmm... cheeeesseeess...
Hob: Um... the Chief's men can have the stuff. We heard that some wagon-loads of it went out of the Southfarthing. That Lotho is a bad mother...
Other Random Hobbits: Shut yo' mouth!
Sam: Hey, calm down all of you. Now I see how it was. Sauron was a pusher and no mistake!
Pippin: Oh... so that explains all those advertisements in Isengard showing cute horses smoking pipe-weed.
Merry: And don't forget the ones with those attractive elf chicks puffin' away.
Sam: Well, no beer, no smoke, no ladies... let's sleep. Alright everyone, SETTLE DOWN! [snicker]
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits fell asleep, and with a few dramatic close-ups of their snoring faces and a shot or two of the glowing moon, it was morning again. But the brightness of the morning was mocked by a sinister presence. Of some sort. You'll see.
Merry: *yawn*
Pippin: [rubs eyes]
Sam: *stretch*
Sting: I dreamed of ra-
Frodo: Sh!
Merry and Pippin's swords: *snicker*
Odd Narrator: Heading straight for Hobbiton, the foursome trudged, or maybe it was more of a jog. A trot? A skip and a hop? I'm not really sure.
Bill the Pony: *sigh*
Odd Narrator: Anyway, nothing really happened all day except for Sting continuing to sing just to annoy Frodo - it seemed he missed the Ring and was trying to make up for the lack of its incessant chatter.
Sting: Hey! That's SO not-MMMPHGRPH!
(Thran & Idril)
Frodo: *sigh* Are you sure you won't take it, Sam? It's getting on my nerves.
(Idril)
Sam: Well I suppose I would keep it exercised a bit more... now that you've become a complete pacifist. (they trade swords)
Sting: Woohoo! Sambone! You da man!
Barrow Sword: Hey! *pout*
Frodo: I promise I'll wave you around a bit if you'll keep quiet, deal?
Barrow Sword: I suppose.
(Thran)
Odd Narrator: That evening they drew near a village called - is this right? FROGMORTON? Oh, come on, you've got to be kidding me! And The Floating Log?! What kind of a name for an inn is THAT?! WHAHAHAHAHAH *snicker*snerf*snork*guffaw*
Sam: *GLARE*
Odd Narrator: Right, okay, so but before they got there they met a barrier with a sign that had once said NO ROAD but now was covered over with the words _KISS_ ROCKS in spray paint.
Pippin: Kiss rocks? Why would anyone want to- OOohhh.
Odd Narrator: Behind the sign stood a bunch of scared-looking hobbits in ridiculous feathered caps.
(BunnieBugs)
Frodo: (stifling a laugh) Um... Hey, guys! What's up?
Shirriff Leader: What's up, Mr. Baggins, is that you're all under arrest for Gate-crashing...
Pippin: (elbowing Merry) That'd be us.
Merry: Too right!
Shirriff Leader: Bouncer-kicking...
Sam: That'd be you, Bill.
Bill the Pony: Awww... shucks!
Shirriff Leader: Trespassing, Rule-tearing, Sword-singing...
Sting: Go, me!
Frodo: Sh!
Shirriff Leader: Sleeping in the Guard-condos without leave...
Pippin: Hey, now... We're not the ones who should be arrested for that!
Merry: He's right, you know. Place was so tacky even Teflon would stick to it.
Shirriff Leader: Unsightly-piercing...
Merry, Pippin and Sam: Hey!
Shirriff Leader: ... and Hair-coloring...
Frodo: Dude, you are SO last age. (whispers conspiratorially) Some of us have tattoos, also, you know. (Shirriff looks askance at him) Is that it?
Shirriff Leader: That'll do for now.
Sam: I'll bet I can add to the list! How about... calling the Cheese - I mean, Chief Names, Looking forward to kicking his a**, Mooning his Ridiculous Shirriffs... [grabs his waistband and starts to turn around]
Merry: Whoo-hoo! Me, too!
Pippin: Me, three!
Shirriff Leader: Whoa, there! Hold on! That'll do! By order of the Cheese... Grrr, now you've got me doing it! We're taking you to Bywater to the Chief's men, and when he hears your case, you can have your say, or show your bums, or whatever you want. But you might want to keep them covered and keep it short and sweet if you don't want to stay in the Lockholes for too long.
Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin: [pause] BWAAAHAAHAAAAAAA!
Pippin: Short and sweet.
Merry: SNORK! Well, we're sweet. But certainly not short.
Sam: And we can show our bums to anybody we please.
Frodo: Lockholes [snerk!] (to the Shirriff leader) Well, I am going where I damn well please and when I bloody well feel like it, too. If you want to come too, that is entirely up to you.
Shirriff Leader: Well... all right, then. But don't forget you're arrested!
Frodo: Snork! Oh, I won't. You won't either, will you, lads?
Sam: Oh, no-o-o.
Merry: No way. [snicker]
Pippin: Very arrested. Yup.
Frodo: Now, if you will kindly escort us to The Floating Log...
Pippin: [snicker]
Odd Narrator: See? I told you it was funny!
Frodo: Hush! We're going to turn in for the night.
Shirriff Leader: The inn's closed, Mr. Baggins. But I can take you to the Shirriff-house.
Frodo: (sigh) Okay, then. Lead on.
Pippin: Not again! It better be nicer than that condo.
(Russ)
Sam: (spotting a familiar face among the shirrifs) Hey you!
Hobbit Shirrif: (points finger at self and raises eyebrows questioningly)
Sam: Yeah you, Robby Leadbottom, get over here I want a word.
Lead Shirrif: (Starts to speak)
Sam: You got a problem with that?
Lead Shirrif: Um... no?
Sam: Damn straight you don't! And keep it that way!
Lead Shirrif: Yes sir, (sigh)
Sam: Now as for you Littlebutt...
Robin: It's Smallburrow, Robin Smallburrow.
Sam: Whatever, now look here Cock Robin...
Merry: Snicker!
Sam: (rolls eyes) As I was saying, what the heck is going on? Why are you and these others harshing our groove? You're a Hobbiton... Hobbit! You ought to know better.
Robin: Orders from the Chief. If we don't do what he says, he'll send us straight to Hell!
Sam: Hell? What's that?
Robin: Don't rightly know. Somewhere out around Bree I think.
Sam: Humph! And the Inn's being closed?
Robin: Hell.
Sam: Beer?
Robin: Hell.
Sam: Singing? Sleeping? Dancing? Story telling?
Robin: Hell, Hell, Hell and Hell.
Sam: Geeze! And what the heck is that on your chin?
Robin: It's a beard. We all have to grow them now, Chiefs orders. Supposed to be a sign of our fidelity or something like that. We all hate 'em though, they itch like crazy!
Sam: Why don't you shave 'em off then?
Robin: Can't. It's that Hell thing again.
Sam: Well I'm going to eat, sleep, drink, sing and shave whenever and where ever I want to. What does that make me?
Robin: Um, an Infidel I think.
Sam: An Infidel? What's that?
Robin: Nobody knows for sure. Never seen one. We hate 'em anyway though, on principle. Nothing personal, just business you understand. I think we're supposed to stone them or burn 'em at the stake. Something like that.
Sam: What? Burning folks at the stake? I don't like the sound of that!
Robin: Me neither, but it's either that or we go to Hell.
Sam: Well if things are so bad, why don't you just quit or form a labor union or something?
Robin: Well we would except that if we try we'll...
Sam: Get sent to hell?
Robin: Yup.
Sam: If I hear about Hell much oftener, I'm going to get positively angry!
Robin: Good for you Sam! Can't say as I'd be sorry to see it neither! I just want you to know that if you do, you'll have our undying moral support!
Sam: Your undying moral support?
Robin: Damn straight! We may even start a letter writing campaign!
Sam: I don't know how to break it to you Cock Robin, but it may take a more direct kind of support to get rid of this Chief of yours, if you take my meaning.
Robin: We tried standing up to them Sam, but when we did the Chief sent down a bunch of his goons and started taking and sending all us little folk...
Sam: To Hell?
Robin: The lockholes. And now I hear they're beating them what stands up to them now. They only get let out so's they can go and pull a shift up at the soylent green factory.
Sam: Soylent Green? What's that?
Robin: A new snack cake, here try some. (hands sam a thin green cake. Sam tastes it.)
Sam: Oh! I've had this before, the Elvish folk call it lembas. What's in it?
Robin: I dunno, it's a big secret. Tastes good though.
Sam: Yeah, kind of like chicken. Got any more?
Robin: Nope, that's the last of my ration.
Sam: He's got you on rations? Why do you guys work for him? And who sent you to Frogmorton?
Robin: Well, nobody did, we live here in the big Shiriff house. We're the Merry Men of Eastfarthing now, there's hundreds of us and they want more.
Sam: Why do you join up?
Robin: We didn't join, we got drafted. Every able bodied male over 18 has to register now. Still, there's some that's joined up willingly and what's worse, they've got hold of the old "grapevine" now. Nothing goes on anymore that what the Chief doesn't hear about it. Works better than cell phones!
Sam: Those bastards!
Robin: Yup, that's how we found out about you. We're supposed to take you straight to Bywater, the Chief wants to see you right away.
Sam: We'll see how bad he really wants to see us after Mr. Frodo gets finished with him!
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: It turned out that the Shirriff-house at Frogmorton was no better than the condo the night before. And the food served was so terrible that Merry, Sam and Frodo choked down what they could and left the rest by a rat-hole in the wall. Pippin, on the other hand, failed to notice.
Pippin: It wasn't that bad!
Merry, Sam and Frodo: Yes, it was.
Odd Narrator: The hobbits got up the next morning and were glad to be leaving such a depressing place. Bywater was about eighteen miles away, but for some reason, the companions weren't in much of a hurry to leave.
Shirriff Leader: We should get going.
Sam: Hold on, I gotta see to the ponies. Wouldn't want to hurry them through breakfast. [heads out the door]
Pippin: Mmmm, breakfast... got anymore of that porridge left?
Shirriff Leader: A bit, but I don't think we should take the time to...
Pippin: Don't worry. I'll be done in a jiffy. [heads for the kitchen]
Shirriff Leader: (grumble, grumble) We need leave soon if we're to get to Bywater today.
Frodo: Relax. We've got plenty of time.
[Shirriff Leader sits down at the table and proceeds to drum his fingers loudly]
Merry: Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate, here.
Shirriff Leader: Sorry. [pause] Wait a minute... you're taking a nap!
Merry: And your point would be?
Shirriff Leader: Grrr
Merry: (snicker)
Frodo: Heh heh! This is fun.
Merry: (eyes closed, whispers) Is he tearing his hair out yet?
Frodo: No, but he's doing that bouncy-leg thing. Big time.
Merry: (snerk)
Pippin: (enters, bowl in hand) You sure I can't get you lads any of this stuff?
Frodo: You mean, you left some?
Pippin: Nope. Just being polite.
Merry: I'm surprised you haven't finished it off yet. (points surreptitiously at the restless Shirriff, eyebrows raised conspiratorially). Can't you hurry up a little?
Pippin: Huh? Oh! (loudly) No, no, there's no way you can rush through a meal like this. One needs to take the time to savor it properly. (whispers) How was that?
[Shirriff Leader groans and puts his face in his hands. Merry gives Pippin a thumbs-up.]
Frodo: (under his breath) More like, it's so thick and gummy that one simply can't swallow it any faster.
Merry: [snork!] (obnoxious-announcer voice) It's a breakfast food AND a polishing compound!
Frodo: [SNORK!]
Pippin: Aw, it's not that bad.
Frodo and Merry: Yes, it is.
Odd Narrator: Finally, after much delaying by re-packing bags, loading up the ponies and then unloading them, it was time for second breakfast. No one (except Pippin) really wanted to eat again, but they considered it worth the price when the Shirriff Leader stormed out of the house in annoyance, leaving the four of them snickering behind him. At around ten o'clock they re-loaded the ponies and were off at last.
A few hobbits came out to stare at the outlandish fashion statements of the travelers, but were hard-pressed not to laugh at the Shirriffs instead, as Merry had insisted that their "escorts" walk in front of the "prisoners," rather than the other way around. So the four companions rode easily behind a dozen or so marching Shirriffs, who weren't doing a very convincing job of looking tough and important.
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Odd Narrator: Thus they left Frogmorton, driving the poor helpless Shirriffs along at a gruesome pace.
Shirriffs: We want to rest!
Merry: Rest? I'll give you rest! I'll give you all the rest you can stomach!
Shirriffs: We want to have ponies too!
Pippin: I'll give you ponies. I'll give you all the ponies you can stomach!
Merry: ARRRR!!!
Shirriffs: Can't we go slower?
Merry: Slower? I'll give you slower! I'll give you all the slower you can stomach!
Pippin: ARRRR!!!
Merry: ARRRR!!!
Sturdy Gaffer: SNORK! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Shirriffs: Hey, that Gaffer's being mean to us! Can we stop and pummel him?
Pippin: <shrug> Sure! Why not?
Merry: EH! Nyet!
Pippin: Awwww... not even a little?
Merry: Absolutely not!
Pippin: <grumble> <mutter> kills the stupid witch king and now he thinks he's...
Merry: What?
Pippin: Ummm... nothing! HEY YOU!!
Little Shirriff: [freezing] What?
Pippin: What are you doing? Get back in line! What's that in your hand?
Little Shirriff: [hiding brooch behind his back] Ummmm... nothing! Just gotta go pee.
Pippin: Don't think you're fooling me with that old "drop the brooch" trick. You get back in line this minute!
Little Shirriff: Yessir!
Pippin: Don't make me get my whip out.
Little Shirriff: No sir!
Pippin: Alrighty then... let's pick up the pace!
Odd Narrator: After hours of such heartless abuse several of the poor Shirriffs fainted and were left behind in the road. Finally the remainder braved Merry and Pippin's whips and stopped to plead for mercy at the three-farthing stone.
Pippin: Mercy? I'll give you mercy! I'll-
Frodo: Oh stop! Sheesh! You two are turning into a couple of Uruk-wannabes.
Merry: Oh well... didn't want to wear out my good whip anyway. You all follow as best you can.
Sam: Later, Robin!
Shirriff Leader: [GASP] [WHEEZE] You're breaking arrest! [GASP] There's gonna be hell to pay!
Pippin: WHAT??
Shirrif Leader: Uhh... I mean, that's probably the best! We'll follow later today!
Pippin: That's what I thought. Catch ya later, guys! No hard feelings, huh?
Shirriffs: [shudder]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The heroes traveled on leaving the poor Shirriffs in the dust, coughing and sputtering. They rode on and came upon Bywater and things started looking pretty bad. This was Frodo and Sam's own part of town, and they found out now that they really wanted it to be the same... but as they rode into town they found things had changed. Gone were many of the houses they knew... replaced with strip malls, and drive thrus.
Pippin: WHOO HOO You got a Hornburger in Bywater now?
Frodo: THE HORROR!
Sam: OH MY... [wither] we have a traffic light now? When did that happen?
Merry: And when did you get subsidized housing? These HAVE to be government run tenements if I've ever seen them, shoddy construction, poor upkeep, and check out the riff raff hangin' on the wall there!
Sam: And the trees... all gone... [sniff] Don't they know that shade is good for the ecosystem, and that without the roots the topsoil runs off and we have no farming? That's it... I'm going to go see my gaffer!
Merry: Hold on Sam, I know you're anxious for a good whippin' as it has been a full year at least since you saw your Gaffer... but maybe we ought to check out the Cheese... um Chief and find out what is going on first before we get him all up in a bunch!
Sam: You're right Merry, you always did think before acting... well, most of the time... way to grow up and be all mature!
Pippin: Snork! Cheaaww! That'll be the day!
Merry: [glare] Like you're mature somehow! At least I helped kill the...
Pippin: Oh here we go again, Merry saves the day... Merry the brave and Valiant! His little side kick Pippin looked into the Palantir and woke up all of Moria... eating all of the food in Minas Tirith.
Merry: [blush] Well, you did get squashed by a Troll.
Odd Narrator: Ahem... The group made it to what used to be the Green Dragon, but it had been turned into a chic Oxygen Internet Coffee Bar, and several hobbits with purple and pink Mohawks and pierced parts hung out outside trying to get in but were prevented by some... er... ill favored Men lounging around.
Frodo: Ill Favored? Now that's a polite way of putting it, have you ever seen someone so creepy?
Sam: Dirty?
Merry: Unkempt?
Pippin: That guy gives me the willies!
Sam: You know they kind of remind me of...
Frodo: Hmmm, you think?
Sam and Frodo: Carnies.
Merry and Pippin: [shudder]
Ruffian #1: Arrr! Where you think yur goin' Arrrr!
Ruffian #2: There's no lil' folk allowed... Garn! Internet access and good caffeine is only for the big folk.
Ruffian #3: And whar's the precious Shirriffs? Arr?
Pippin: Snicker... he said precious!
Frodo: The Shirriffs will be along soon enough, they aren't quite used to covering that kind of distance at speed, they aren't' Orcs you know.
Merry: What are you guys... Pirates or something?
Ruffian #1: Customer Service Representatives for your local ISP.
Sam: Oh great... Morons!
Ruffian #2: Oh, so that's your tone... Well, you just expect high speed internet as a Valar-given right now... Sharkey's come now, and you'll be lucky to get dial up.
Frodo: Oh great... another corporate takeover... who the heck is Sharkey... another one named wonder? I'm off to call on Mr. Lotho, and maybe we can sort out this glitch.
Ruffian #3: Oh yeah, Garrr! Mr. Lotho doesn't know DSL from Dial up... He just does what the computer screen tells him to, and what Sharkey says... it's called a beuu-rock-ra-cee! New fangled way of keepin' things' organized. We all have files and files of paper work and special computin' screens we have to go through before you can have any infermashun'!
Frodo: Oh dear, red tape has stretched from Mordor to the Shire? Well, you have been disconnected too long. Had you been surfing the news you'd have known that things have changed, we have a King now, that means no bureaucracy... just what the King says goes... and that can be a good thing! The Dark Tower has Fallen, and Isengard destroyed. Your Precious CEO is a beggar in the wilderness, we saw him! The King's Fiber Optic line will be laid upon the Greenway, his messengers will come as well... your era of corporate dominance is OVHA!
Sam: [nudge] Way to go Mr. Frodo... that had a lot of spunk.
Frodo: Thanks.
Ruffian #2: Our CEO a beggar... now that's a hoot... [snaps his fingers at Frodo's face] Don't you know all CEO's come with Golden Parachutes, they're never beggars even when prosecuted! As for Fiber Optics or Messengers, I'll see to them when they pass this way! [CRREEECCK!] [wrings hands] Squash, just like grape.
Pippin: Oh what you're Mr. Miyagi now? Sheesh... check it out dude... [casts cloak away] I am a Messenger of the King! You are speaking to the King's friend and one of the bravest of all his realm! [whips out blade] KNEEL before Zod!
Merry: [nudges Pippin] Um Pip... that's Superman II...
Pippin: [snicker] Oh I know I just love that line... ahem... Kneel and ask his pardon or I will rid you of your horrid haircut and your head!
Ruffian #2: SQUEAK!
Ruffian #3: [eyes grow wide] [blows horn] Toot... toot... toot
Ruffian #1: Well I'm outta here!
Merry: Well, we've come back just in the nick of time.
Frodo: Well, maybe too late, let's go save Lotho, uh... Pimple... uh... Chief... no... Cheese... what did he want to go by?
(BunnieBugs)
Pippin: Save him?! You're joking, right? I say we kick his a...
Frodo: No, Pippin, you're not quite getting it. Lotho never meant to get caught up in a big corporate takeover! Obviously the big ISP is in charge and calling the shots, now, and although they still use Lotho's name he's not in control anymore. And they probably won't be using his name much longer. Typical big-corporation tactics. So, a bit of rescuing is in order, before he becomes just another forgotten, swallowed-up dot-com
Pippin: Whoa. Who'd have thought our journey would end with corporate takeovers, fighting carnies and ruffians in the Shire, of all places! And rescuing that uber-geek, Lotho Sackville-Baggins!
Frodo: Fighting? Ooh, I hate that, but I suppose we might have to. But no killing any hobbits, even if they've taken up with the carnies and their carny ways. [The hobbits all shudder.] And no one is to be killed...
Merry and Pippin: [protest] Awww!
Frodo: Look, I know you're big warriors now, and all, but no one is to be killed unless it's absolutely necessary.
Pippin: What about spittin'?
Frodo: Spittin's cool. Spit all you want.
Pippin: What about cursin'?
Frodo: Cursin's fine, too. Sam and I learned to curse with the best of 'em in Mordor, didn't we, Sam?
Sam: %$@#, yeah.
Frodo: But no killin' unless you gotta, understand?
Pippin: Well, all right. As long as there's spittin' and cursin'.
Merry: Just hold on a minute! We're talking about carnies and ruffians, here, Frodo, and maybe a lot of them. We're not going to be able to rescue Lotho or the Shire with spittin' and cursin' anymore than with kind words and warm thoughts. There's bound to be fighting!
Pippin: 'Fraid, so, Frodo. We only just surprised this lot. That bit of horn-blowing will call all their buddies together, and then they just might cause us a teensy bit of trouble...
Sam: Wait! I have an idea! Let's go hide out at Tom Cotton's! He's a tough old guy, and all his lads are friends of mine.
Frodo: (raises eyebrows) And hiding would be your only motive for going there, right?
Sam: (blushes) Well, yeah, sure.
Pippin: [snicker!]
Merry: [snicker] Well, no matter what the motive, hiding's no good. That's just giving them what they want. What we need, lads, is a plan.
Pippin: Yes! A plan! ...Um... What sort of plan?
Merry: A plan to raise the Shire, my lad. Now! We've got to light a fire under these hobbits!
Pippin: Yowch!
Merry: Not literally, Pip. Pay attention! Our people don't like what's been going on, but they don't know what to do about it. Well, we're going to show them, and quickly. Sam, you go ahead and get Tom Cotton, since he's the chief person around here. Just don't go getting all moony-eyed if you see Rosie, and forget why you're there!
Sam: Aw, give me some credit.
Merry: We'll need you back here, so whatever you do, don't let her get a glimpse of that tongue-stud of yours, or she might not let you go! Best to keep that a secret until later. [Sam blushes furiously.] I am going to blow the Kazoo of Rohan and blast these folks right into the Fourth Age! Let's rock 'n roll!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Sam had not gone far up the road when a funny sound began to itch his ears.
Sam: Dang flies... [buzz, buzz, buzz] [looking around] Hmm, it isn't flies, Oh! It's Merry's Kazoo of Rohan, buzzing on the air.
Odd Narrator: Suddenly the note changed and went higher to the Horn-cry... er... buzz of Buckland. He switched on the Amplifier and suddenly all could hear it:
Awake! Fear, Fire Foes... AWAKE! Rise and Shine! Shake, shake, shake... shake your booootie! Every body DANCE NOW! BUZZ, BUZZ, BUH... BUH... BUZZ!
Odd Narrator: All around him Sam heard the hubbub of folks wandering out to shake their booties and rock down, but in front of him was the lights of the Cottons house. Farmer Cotton, wielding a shot gun, and three of his lads came running out with axes in their hands, approached.
Farmer Cotton: Nay, it doesn't seem to be a ruffian, much to small... Oh Dear, much worse, a Hormonal Hobbit Lad! [loads his weapon... KUUUCHUNK!] Now it looks like I really do need this. Hold it right there young hooligan, the daughter is wearing her chastity belt... where you headed in such a hurry, and dressed like a punk rocker?
Sam: [blush] Uh Farmer Cotton... it's me... Sam. Samwise Gamgee, you know... I courted your daughter, and just got back from helping Mister Frodo save the world.
Farmer Cotton: Hurumph... saving the world indeed, but the voice seems right... what'dya do, go join up with the Peace Corps? We thought you were dead.
Sam: Um, no, not dead. Nor is Mister Frodo... we just walked all the way to Mordor and back, no biggie... but now we're going to get rid of all the Ruffians.
Farmer Cotton: The wha?
Sam: All the thugs and ruffians that have been monopolizing internet access...
Farmer Cotton: Oh yeah, the ones that call themselves Customer Service Representatives for our ISP? What does that stand for anyway?
Sam: ISP? Uh... I Stupid Person?
Farmer Cotton: [chuckle] How about Idiot Smack Perpetrators?
Jolly: [snork] Insane Selfish Pretenders?
Sam: [snicker] Inane S*** Pricks?
Farmer Cotton: Whoo hoo... looks like you learned to cuss like a sailor on your journeys... why don't you go along to the house and scope out the chicks?
Sam: You trust me?
Farmer Cotton: [shoves Sam] Any hobbit who served in the Navy should be good enough for my daughter, besides Nibs is with the girls, and if I had anyone to fear it' be him, his hormones are in full swing... you should see the acne! But he knows I'd use this shotgun in a second if I thought he was meddling with family members!
Sam: Eewww, gross this isn't West Virginia.
Farmer Cotton: No, but we got enough inbreedin' in these parts in my opinion. Besides, I know he's horny for Daisy Bracegirdle, though she's above him.
Sam: Okay... that's more than I wanted to know... go up the road and help Mister Frodo get rid of those dang Morons.
Farmer Cotton: Will do, hot dawg, a fight!
Odd Narrator: Farmer Cotton and his sons ran off and Sam rode up to the house, spying Mrs. Cotton, Rosie and Nibs on the porch, with pitchfork in hand.
Sam: It's me Sam! Don't get any ideas with that pitchfork there Nibs... besides I've seen worse and got me a pitchfork proof vest.
[Nibs grunts a greeting and wanders off.]
Sam: Hi there Mrs. Cotton, Rosie [blush] you're looking phat!
(Idril)
Rosie: Sam! You're finally back! You've been gone for ages.
Sam: Yes I'm back, but I must be off again in a minute. There's ruffians about and ummmm...
[Rosie steps back a bit until she's out of her Mother's line of vision. She slides her finger into her mouth and pulls it out slowly... then trails it around the neckline of her dress.]
Mrs. Cotton: Yes Sam? And what?
Sam: Ermm... I mean that's just not proper, is it? We can't tolerate such wickedness in the Shire.
Rosie's Eyes: Wickedness? [she smiles angelically]
Mrs. Cotton: No it ain't proper! And it's mighty intolerable! Those thieving ruffians will take a gaffer's false teeth if they can. Why just the other day...
[While Mrs Cotton launches into a story, Sam plays with the pony's reins, tying them into a Spiraling Half Knot Sinnet (double overhand Elvish variant).]
Rosie: Oh!
Mrs. Cotton: And off he went, oh yes! Did we laugh at that! They may be big but they're no geniuses.
Sam: Sounds like you've been keeping well, Mrs Cotton... considering the circumstances. Has our Rosie been behaving herself? I hope she hasn't been tying her brothers to trees like she used to.
Rosie's Eyes: Oooh... you'll pay for that one, Sam Gamgee.
Mrs Cotton: (laughing) No, no, she's long outgrown her tomboy ways. She's a serious young lady now, and a fine worker.
Sam: Fine indeed!
Rosie: And what about you, Sam? Have you gotten your fill of peeking at elves?
Sam: Yes Rosie, I've peeked at plenty: high elves, grey elves and wood elves... ladies and grand queens and merry elvish lasses. But none who could hold a candle to you.
Rosie: [flush] Well then, Mr. Gamgee! Will you be using your fancy way with words against the ruffians? If they can be defeated with poetry then you should have them whipped in time for supper.
Sam: (Puts his hand on Sting's hilt) Maybe so! And if not words, we'll try steel. We'll whip them one way or another.
Rosie: You'd best be off to find them then. There's none hiding under my bed.
Sam: [flush] I'll be off then. Goodbye Mrs. Cotton!
Mrs. Cotton: Goodbye! Be careful, child!
Odd Narrator: Sam turned his pony to go but Rosie came running down from the porch before he could ride off. He stopped Bill and put her hand over Sam's on the reins.
Rosie: I think you look fine, Sam. I really like your leather jacket.
Sam: Shh... look what else I have. (flashes his tongue stud)
Rosie: [squeak!]
Sam: [flush] I'll be back soon.
Rosie: You will take care of those ruffians won't you?
Sam: Damn straight. No mercy.
Rosie: Mmmmmm... that's my Sam. Be careful... don't get anything hacked off that we might need later.
Sam: Oh I won't. Goodbye Rosie Lass.
Rosie: Goodbye!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: When Sam returned he found nearly the entire village had been roused, more than a hundred hobbits were assembled, many armed. There were some axes and a few bows, but most were armed with the more traditional weapons of the Shire. Rolling pins, meat tenderizers, brooms, (of a particularly fierce variety!), fireplace pokers, some very nasty looking shoe shine kits and, of course, knives and forks in abundance.
Some of the Hobbits had started a great bonfire just because it was against the Chiefs rules and also because fire is cool.
And at the head of them all stood Meriadoc Brandybuck.
Sam: hey Pip, what's going on? Looks like you've got half the Shire here.
Pippin: Pretty close to it, and boy are they roused!
[A group standing near the fire begins chanting "No beer, No peace!"]
Sam: What is Mr. Merry doing over there?
Pippin: He's addressing the troops, want to have a listen?
Sam: Yeah, let's go and see.
[cut to Merry]
Merry: ... Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you've heard about Hobbits not wanting to fight - wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dookie. Hobbits traditionally love to fight. All real Hobbits love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired...
Sam: What the hell is he talking about?
Pippin: Shhh. Listen.
Merry: ... you know, I actually pity those poor bastards we're goin' up against. We're not just gonna kill the bastards, we're going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the wheels of our wagons.. .
Sam: Oh yech!
Pippin: Hey there's Frodo. He looks a little pale, I wonder what's the matter?
Merry: ...wade into them, spill their blood, knife them in the belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do.
Frodo: No, no, no, no, no...
Hobbit#1: I don't feel good.
Hobbit#2: I wanna go home.
Merry: ... kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose!
[somewhere in the crowd the sound of retching can be heard]
Odd Narrator: And so while the gathered cadre of Hobbits stood there wondering just what the hell they had gotten themselves into, others who, at Merry's orders, had been setting up an ambush at either end of town so that they could "gut the enemy like a fish" as Merry had put it, were instead putting up barricades at Frodo's insistence. And much to their relief I might add.
As they were doing so, a group of Sherrifs approached, but were so freaked out by meriadoc's little speech, that they ditched their Sherrif hats and ran screaming into the night.
Sam found Frodo talking to Tom Cotton while a pale faced group of Hobbits stood around wondering if it was to late to go home and pretend they hadn't heard the call.
Tom Cotton: "So what's our next move?
Frodo: First we stuff a sock in Merry's mouth and throw him in the lock hole.
(cheers and applause from nearby Hobbits)
Frodo: After that I don't know, not until I learn some more. How many of 'em are there?
Tom Cotton: Well let's see, they's about, (removes his shoes), twenty or so up Hobbiton way, mebbey another twenty over yonder to the Boss's place at Hobbiton. Ain't seen much of him though, he's turned into a regular Osamer bin Laden he has. Boss says this, boss says that according t' those ruffians, but we ain't a look at him in a month of Sundays.
Pippin: Is that the only places they're at?
Tom: Nope. They's a bunch of 'em over in Sarn Ford, (checks his fingers and toes), 'bout twenty I reckon. And then there's, oh lets see, about twenty over down Longbottom way. Twenty in the Lockholes, twenty more lurking about in Woody End and say another oh, twenty or so over in Way Meet.
Frodo: How many in all do you think?
Tom: Oh, 'bout twenty.
Frodo: (sigh) Tom, how many Sundays are in a month?
Tom: Twenty.
Frodo: And how old are you?
Tom: Oh, about twenty.
Frodo: And the number of Hobbits gathered here?
Tom: (looks around) Twenty?
Frodo: Um, Pip?
Pippin: I'm on it. (exit Pippin)
Tom: 'Course that was afore they started killin' Hobbits. Shot 'em with bows they did.
Merry: Killed 'em did they! WAHOO! Well they started it! And now, now we are going to make them pay. Oh yes, well and truly shall they p... mumphle gumph!
Sam: (leaving a hog-tied and gagged Merry on the ground( That ought to hold him, at least until he calms down a bit.
(Idril)
Tom: [Gapes at Sam]
Frodo: pssst... he's supposed to play the kazoo thing.
Sam: Oh right! Here ya go, Merry (pulls the gag out and stuffs the kazoo in Merry's mouth)
Merry: buzz buzzztard! Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz, buzz'm buzza BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!!
Hobbits: Hoooray!!!
Sam: Yeah right, Merry. You and what army?
Tom: (recovering a bit) Uhhhhh... but the Tooks started the killing first?
Frodo: (pats Tom on the shoulder) Don't worry about it... we never stick that close to the book. Alright now, listen up everyone. No killing unless absolutely necessary! Ummm... did you have a question Tim?
Tim: (lowers his hand) How do we know when it's necessary?
Frodo: Well, just use the least amount of force necessary. If your life is in danger or another hobbit's life is in danger, then by all means do whatever is necessary to alleviate that danger, up to and including the use of deadly force. Otherwise... well just keep in mind the moral consequences of your actions.
Tim: Uhhhh... what?
Frodo: Don't kill when injury will do. Don't injure when maiming will do. Oh wait, I got those two backward... okay Don't kill when maiming will do. Don't-
Tim: I'm still confused.
Frodo: Oh sheesh! Never mind then!!
Merry: Mpph mppph mpphh mpphh?
Sam: Sure thing! As long as you aren't still mad.
Merry: Mpppphhhhhhh.
Sam: Okie doke! (unties Merry)
Merry: Alrighty then... I've thought of the most wonderful plan! We'll need lots of wood and paint... and some nails... does anyone have a power saw?
[A hobbit run in from the direction of Hobbiton]
Tom: Hey, it's Ned!
Sam: Ned the champion smoke-ring blower?
Tom: Yep! What's up Ned?
Ned: [GASP!] [Wheeze!!] They're [GASP!] coming [Wheeze!!] [GASP!!] [faint]
Merry: CURSES! Then we don't have time to build a false village! Alright, plan B then... we'll need some wood and paint... and some nails... does anyone have a power drill?
Frodo: (SIGH)
Odd Narrator: (snicker) So the hobbits busied themselves with plan B... and soon all was prepared for the arrival of the ruffians.
Hobbits: [scurry, scurry, saw, hammer, drill, paint]
Odd Narrator: When the ruffians arrived, they found that a barricade had been erected across the road that lead into the village. It was topped by a hastily painted sign and guarded by several hobbits.
Ruffian: Whatzit say?
Head Ruffian: Sez: "No MEN Allowed!"
Ruffian: No men? Here... we'll show 'em "no men". Here you, let us in!!
Hobbits: [SQUEAK!] [they open the barricade and flee]
Odd Narrator: The ruffians bullied their way through the village... threatening everyone with long prison sentences and laughing at the signs posted by the rebellious hobbitry.
Head Ruffian: This 'un here says "DANGER: Low Head Clearance".
Ruffians: HAR HAR HAR!!
Head Ruffian: This 'un says "Party Tonight -- New Clubhouse -- Hobbits Only".
Ruffians: Woohoo... we'll crash that party like nobody's business!
Head Ruffian: [SNORK] "No Persons Over 4' Allowed"
Ruffians: HAR HAR HAR!!
Ruffian: What does "Severe Tire Damage" Mean?
Head Ruffian: How should I know?
Odd Narrator: Soon they arrived at a new shack constructed in the center of the town square. Tom Cotton stood in front of the shack with a stick.
Head Ruffian: What are you doing, boy!
Tom: I'm the bouncer fer the new clubhouse. You have to be this short [indicates a mark on the stick] to go in. I'm afraid you all are much too tall.
Ruffians: HAR HAR HAR!!!
Head Ruffian: Now wait a minute! There's a party goin' on in that little shack?
Shack: [boom bada boom bada boom badda boom boom]
Tom: It's an underground party, of course. It's all downstairs. But I already said you can't go in.
Head Ruffian: And who's gonna keep us out?
Tom: [looks up at the ruffians] I guess you got a point there! But if I was you I wouldn't go in.
Ruffians: HAR HAR HAR HAR!!!
Head Ruffian: Let's go, lads!
Odd Narrator: With that, the head ruffian pushed by Tom Cotton and barged his way into the shack, followed by the others.
Head Ruffian: Where's the stairs?
Tom: I think they're near the back! Look... right in that corner over there, see?
Head Ruffian: Where?
Tom: [SLAM] [LOCK!!]
Ruffians: ???
Tom: Okay, they're in!
Merry: Good work Tom! Let's board this up nice and tight and get it pushed over.
Ruffians: YOU STINKIN HAIRFOOTS! LET US OUT OF HERE! *#%$(&!!!!
Hobbits: Woo hoo!
Odd Narrator: Before long the hobbits had the shack nailed up nice and tight, and had pushed it over onto a sledge. They then used a team of ponies to haul it out of the village.
Ruffians: OWW! #($%@&!!!
Merry: Take the North Road... it's bumpier.
Frodo: Sheesh! I hope you remembered to leave air holes!
Ned: Yeah, we left some holes we can poke 'em with sticks.
Frodo: Well... ummm... at least don't poke 'em in the eye.
Merry: (mockingly) "Don't cover 'em with honey and park 'em on an anthill... Don't set the shack on fire... Don't empty the chamber pots on 'em... Don't poke em in the eye!" Holy Carrots, Frodo... you're getting to be a real stick-in-the-mud.
Frodo: [Sigh]
Mr. Cotton: I knew it, I knew it! This is gonna be a snap. I told everybody we could whip these big lugs, but nobody'd listen to me.
Ned: Well Tom, your best plan was fer us to set ourselves on fire and run into their houses howlin' like wild wargs. And that didn't work too good, did it?
Mr. Cotton: How's I supposed to know they'd lock their doors at night? Mr. Merry, we're lucky you came along. We needed someone with intelligence for this defense... rebellion... thing.
Merry: Well let's don't get too cocky, they're not all whipped yet by a long shot. We'd better wait until morning, then we'll go on to Hobbiton and pop that Zit.
Sam: Why wait? It's just 6 o'clock.
Merry: You know Lotho! If you visit him after supper he always insists on serving that awful tiara masu stuff he makes with those stale ladyfingers. With coffee no less! I drink coffee after supper I can't sleep all night, but he won't take no for an answer.
Sam: Oh yeah, you're right. But I'm worried about my Gaffer... nobody seems to have heard anything from him.
Tom: Oh, your Gaffer? Well, you know they dug up Bagshot Row... that was a terrible blow. Since then he's been sleepin' in a tent down by the railroad tracks with the other hobos. I'd have had him stay with us, but-
Frodo: Railroad tracks? There aren't any trains in Middle-Earth.
Tom: What's a train?
Frodo: Oh, never mind. Go on.
Tom: Where was I? Oh! We would have had him stay with us except that he says that makes him lose his appetite. I don't rightly know what he means by that but it don't sound good.
Sam: I'd best go get him. That Sharkey fellow and those ruffians might grab him and hold him hostage and torture him with dental instruments.
Tom: Eww! Where in the world did you get that idea?
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo and I have been some bad places and...
Frodo: [eyes him dubiously]
Sam: Ermmm... some of them show some really creepy movies. Anyway, I'm worried something bad might happen to him.
Tom: Well take some of the boys with you and go fetch him back to my house if you want. Jolly! Stop pokin' that ruffian with a stick and go show Sam where he can find his Gaffer!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Merry and Frodo watched as Sam departed.
Merry: I think I'll put some web cams around the village to keep an eye on things.
Frodo: You're sure that's a good idea?
Merry: Of course, just as long as the ISP- Err... I'll go and post some lookouts.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: So Merry deployed Hobbits around the village in mutually supporting positions in order to create a triangulation of fire and establish killing zones all around the perimeter. Then he went off with Farmer cotton and Frodo, the latter sneaking back and telling the "death squads" that they were really only just supposed to be look outs, much to their relief.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Then Frodo and Merry went to visit the Cottons. Sitting around the big wooden table, Mrs Cotton inquired about their vacation.
Merry: Vacation? Well I did ride all the way to Gondor, fought in several battles and wars, felled the Witch King, and very nearly died.
Mrs Cotton: Did you? That's nice. And you, Frodo?
Frodo: Walked to Mordor, got stabbed by a Nazgul, had my finger bitten off, destroyed the ring of power, oh, and am doomed to be tormented to the end of my days by the burden I bear.
Mrs Cotton: Well, well. At least you avoided the nasty troubles around here, didn't they dear?
Farmer Cotton: They sure did. We've had a terrible time. It's all that Zit's fault...
Mrs Cotton: The whole thing has really unsettled my system. In fact I've been constipated for weeks.
Farmer Cotton: He's been flogging contraband to foreigners and pushing leaf.
Mrs Cotton: I've tried every remedy I can think of, but nothing works. Look at my poor bloated stomach.
Farmer Cotton: There's been shortages and rationing here. Haven't had a decent smoke or pint of beer for I don't know how long.
Mrs Cotton: And my ankles have swollen up too. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? Maybe it's over-spill.
Farmer Cotton: Been using his ill-gotten-gains to buy up every bit of property and land in sight.
Mrs Cotton: The migraines have been awful. I'm so bunged up, aren't I dear?
Farmer Cotton: Yes, dear. It's probably the lack of fresh fruit caused by that damn Zit chopping all the trees down. Why don't you go and have another try now?
Mrs Cotton: I would, but it just makes my hemorrhoids worse.
Farmer Cotton: Anyway, when we got our mad up, he brought in his own private army.
Mrs Cotton: The wind is terrible. I know it's not polite, but it's unhealthy to try and keep it in. Don't you agree?
Farmer Cotton: Big blokes building big, ugly houses and all.
Mrs Cotton: [FFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT] Oh, that's better.
(Silarien & Russ)
Farmer Cotton: And helping themselves to everything. There was a bit of trouble when Old Will The Mayor wrote a scathing editorial in the Shire Times-Republican Herald-Gazette-Journal-Democrat-Reporter-Tribune. Seems the Zit didn't like it one bit and so demanded equal time. Old Will, he starts making the rounds on all the talk-shows and asking why, if Lotho wanted to run the Shire, he hadn't released his tax returns to the public and why was the IRS looking into his off shore investment accounts. Well the next thing you now Old Lotho's lawyers show up and poor old Will gets dragged off into litigation and hasn't been seen nor heard from since.
Well, after that things went from bad to worse. Lotho took to calling himself the Chief Grand Poohbah and Commando Supreemo Monarch of the Imperial Galactic Trans-Federation Council of the Known Worlds, but we just called him the Chief for short. Then he takes and sends his men out to gather up whatever ain't nailed down, "From each according to his means, to each according to his needs" is what they said, 'ceptin' it was our means and their needs! Then that ratbag Sharkey showed up and since then things have gone from bad to worse.
Mrs. Cotton: Oh my goodness yes! They're totally f***** up aren't they dear?
Frodo: So who is this Sharkey anyway? I've heard his name mentioned by some of the ruffians.
Farmer Cotton: Oh he's the worst of the lot. All the men answer to him and do what he says, which is mostly hack burn and ruin. It was okay when they was a-hacking, burnin and ruinin' with some sense, but now they ain't even got no bad sense about it. Why they's taken to openin' bottles o beer an lettin' 'em go flat for no good reason. Leaving mayonnaise out in the sun and the lights on in every room. Doors open with the cooler going full blast and now I hear they're using whole rolls of tissue every time they hit the privy and it's causing a shortage like nobody's business!
Mrs. Cotton: Speaking of, where are the corn cobs dear?
Farmer Cotton: Hanging on the door, same as always.
Mrs. Cotton; Are they fresh?
Farmer Cotton: Almost, only used 'em once.
Young Tom: Twice Pop.
Famer Cotton: Twice mother.
Mrs. Cotton: Oh well, everyone is making sacrifices these days aren't they dear? Be back in a minute.
(Idril)
Tom Cotton: Where was I? Oh yes... Ted Sandyman's Mill! Yep, Pimple had it pulled down right away. Then he had some strange looking men with long hair and sandles come and rebuild it into a granola plant. A granola plant, mind you... and you know how us hobbits feel about granola!
Faint Voice of Mrs Cotton: We hates it, doesn't we preciousss?
Tom: And only that fool Ted was pleased. There he is runnin' around dressed up in that ridiculous "Honey Grain Bee" costume, trying to sell granola to hobbits. (shakes his head) And to think his Dad was a respectable Miller.
Frodo: Well, except for that one incident with little Primrose Chubb.
Tom: Oh right! I meant that relatively respectable, of course.
Frodo: I understand, go ahead!
Tom: Well after Sharkey came, they stopped even producing any granola! They put up a big sign that says "General Electric Transformer Plant" and started up right away belching filth into the air and the water. Now Ted claims to be "Water Quality Control" and babbles on about how dioxins are good for the environment. But we ain't fallin' for that. Last week my boy here caught a fish with three eyes right outta the lower Water.
Young Tom: That extra eye didn't hurt the taste none.
Tom: But that just ain't right. I think it's all that Sharkey's doins... what would Pimple want with transformers?
(Russ)
Li'l Tom: And then they up and bagged old Lobelia, the Zits Ma, though I can't say as anybody minded much. That Lobelia was downright pain in the a-
Mrs. Cotton: Decorum, Junior, decorum!
Li'l Tom: Sorry ma.
Mrs. Cotton: Oh that's all...
BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAP!
Mrs. Cotton: ... right dear. Sorry all, I've been having a bad lactose day.
Farmer Tom: That's alright Mother, I've put fresh cobs up on the door, just in case.
Mrs. Cotton: Thank you Father.
Merry: Too much information.
Frodo: Hush. Now what about Lobelia?
Li'l Tom: Well, there she was, just-a walking down the street, singin' doo-wah diddy, diddy-dum, diddy-doo, when up comes some of Sharkey's men with a big cart. Well they had some words and then one of the Ruffians throws her down and the others all start a-beatin' on her. Some of the Hobbiton folk saw it and caught it on video tape. Then the...
Frodo: Wait a sec, you're saying that there were people watching?
Lil Tom: Yep.
Frodo: And they just stood there and filmed it?
Li'l Tom: Yep again.
Frodo: Um, just for the record, if any of you ever see me getting beat down, I would appreciate it very much if you could PUT THE CAMERA DOWN AND GET SOME HELP!!!! Sheesh!
[the Cottons look sheepishly at one another]
Li'l Tom: Er, yes. Well, then they takes her and throws her in the cart and takes her off to the Lockholes, and at her age too! They've took others that we miss more, namely everyone, but still, the film of her getting beat-up made for some great water-cooler chat the next morning!
Farmer Cotton: (sigh) Good times.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Sam suddenly entered the room with his Gaffer in tow.
Frodo: Good evening, Mr Gamgee.
Gaffer: Eh?
Frodo: GOOD EVENING!
Gaffer: Good hearing? Aye, not bad. Not as good as it were a'fore you went gallivanting off, after them there nice girls like what my Sam said.
Frodo: Nazgul.
Gaffer: Eh?
Frodo: NAZGUL!
Gaffer: I don't care 'ow nice she were. What about me taters? They've gone and bulldozed Bagshot Row. And all because you b*ggered off after a bit of skirt.
Frodo: I apologise.
Gaffer: Eh?
Frodo: APOLOGISE!
Gaffer: Appalling guys? Well it's nothing to do with us if some strange lass gets mixed up with the wrong sort. Got plenty of the wrong sort round here now.
Frodo: I'LL MAKE AMENDS!
Gaffer: You'll make her what?
Frodo: [Under his breath] Sheesh, I'll give you a bag of gold, you old git.
Gaffer: Now you can't say fairer 'an that. You're a proper gent, Mr Frodo. I hope my Sam didn't catch no foreign girls.
Frodo: Sam is a famous hero.
Gaffer: Eh?
Frodo: FAMOUS HERO!
Gaffer: Flaming earholes? Aye, his ears should be burning. He'll cause no end of gossip, all done up like a dog's dinner.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The next morning everyone was up early. All night long it had been quiet, but shortly after breakfast a messenger from Tookland came riding up.
Farmer Cotton: Who's that a-riding up this way?
Li'l Tom: Looks like one o' them Took fellers pa.
Gaffer: A TOOK! Quick, hide the food!
Tom Cotton: Way ahead of ya Old Gamgee, Junior?
Odd Narrator: Young Tom slid a picture aside revealing a red handle behind a small window with lettering that read, "In case of Took, break glass". He broke the glass and pulled the handle. When he did, the north wall of the dining room tilted upward and the table slid neatly behind it, another table, this one empty, rose up from a trap door beneath the floor to take it's place. The well stocked pantry cabinet spun around and was replaced by another with nothing more inside than cobwebs and one very old, very stale, very, very hard biscuit.
Frodo looked on in amazement as every trace of the mornings breakfast quickly disappeared into hidden cupboards and behind false walls until the only evidence of any recent eating were the lingering aromas of the food and Mrs. Cotton was all too well equipped to put an end to those.
The messenger from Tookland came riding up to be greeted by Sam, Frodo, The Gaffer and young and old Toms coming barreling out of the house.
Mrs. Cotton: (from inside) Oh now it's not THAT bad!
Frodo: (eyes watering) Hail Messenger! What news?
Messenger: The Thrain has raised.. .What the hell is that smell??? Did somebody die?
Farmer Cotton: Come on over and set a spell, now what did the Thrain do?
Messenger: (raising kerchief to cover nose and mouth) Um, that's okay, I'm good. Anyway, the Train has raised all Tookland. The Litigators that were surrounding us have had their accounting irregularities exposed and are running like hell. The Thrain is going after them, but he's sending Pippin back with all the other folk he can spare.
Odd Narrator: The next news was less good...
Farmer Cotton: ... A HUNDRED TOOKS! All the larders in the Shire wouldn't take care of that lot!
[Merry rides up]
Merry: Don't worry Tom, we'll let 'em have the ruffians supplies, that should tide them over. There's a big band of them coming up the road, burning as they go!
Sam: Those bastards!
Merry: If Pippin doesn't get here pretty soon...
GRRRRRUMBLE
Odd Narrator: The sound of a hundred hungry Took bellies! A Grim and terrible sound it was, yet it cheered the Hobbits to know that so formidable a weapon was at their disposal! Merry now had a force large enough to deal with the approaching ruffians and so he set about explaining his plans.
Merry: Okay, so here's what we're gonna do.. .
(later)
Merry; And so we'll have them caught in a pincer movement, a classic double envelopment. Any questions?
Took #79: (raises hand)
Merry: Yea?
#79: We're gonna get ta eat their food right?
Merry: Um, yes.
#79: WAAAAAAHOO! ALL RIGHT BOYS, LETS SHOW THESE RUFFIANS HOW WE DO THINGS IN TOOKLAND!
Tooks: FOOD! FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!...
Frodo: I'm scared Sam.
Sam: (staring wide eyed at the chanting mob) We all are Sir, we all are. Gulp
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Before long a large band of Ruffians came tramping up the East Road their leader pausing at the Bywater road and pulling out his bifocals to look at an orange and black sign with an arrow.
Squint-eyed Brute Ruffian Leader: (now with Bifocals) Ahem... DEEEE TOOORRRR... Deetor? Deeturrr?
Squatty Ruffian Sidekick: Uh... I fink it means detour, there must be sum plumbin or internet service out up ahead.
S-eBRL: Oh sure... I knew that... fot it wus French or somefin.
SRS: Whad shud we du then?
S-eBRL: I fink we shud go up yonder inta Bywater den.
SRS: Nkay... Folks we goin up ta Bywater now.
Ruffians: Already on our way... tramp... tramp... tramp.
Odd Narrator: As the Ruffians turned up the road to Bywater they began to see billboards and flashing signs directing them to the newest attraction in the Shire, the Stadium. A great pathway led the scruffy looking band into the center of a round sports arena, bleachers surrounding them in high arching glory, and on the far end a giant sculpture of a furry foot was held aloft, a pinnacle of Hobbit craftsmanship. The Ruffians soon became aware of hobbit heads peeking out from behind the "man-sized" football chairs, which really, were quite comfortable for hobbits... as anyone who's attended large stadium events can tell you. After all the Ruffians had passed into the stadium, most looking with awe at the enormous furry foot ahead of them, none noticed the gate swing closed behind them, Meriadoc Brandybuck fastening the lock.
Merry: Well you big oafs, you've walked into a trap.
Pippin on a Bullhorn: LET'S GET READY TO RRUUUUUUMMMMMBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEE!
Odd Narrator: Suddenly a loud grumbling, rumbling sound began emitting from the bleachers all around them, as the Tooks had turned off the mute button on their stomachs.
Ruffian #1: Uh oh... I've heard that before.
Ruffian #2: What is it?
Ruffian #1: Took Tummies... they did that right before ole Runt took it in the neck... they roasted him and had him Suthin' Barbecue style.
Ruffian #2: Gulp.
Merry: [snatches Bullhorn from Pippin]: Ladies and Gentlemen! WELCOME to the Running of the Ruffians!
[crowd cheers, tummies rumble]
Merry: Yes, yes, the Running of the Ruffians happens only once in a few thousand years, and you lucky hobbits are here to witness this grand event. No snacks are being served, but the Ruffians who don't tow the line will be the main course in today's luncheon.
[crowd cheers louder, tummies rumble louder]
Merry: All right Ruffians, here's the rule, you give up your weapons and come and sit in a game of duck-duck-goose and your lives will be spared, if you try to bolt out of here, I'm warning you there are several rather quick Tooks about who have been fasting since last night hidden at each exit, [pointing at four exits] marked with a fire exit sign for safety.
S-eBRL: WHOT? Duck-duck-goose! We won't do that? It has too many syllables.
Merry: Fine... Ring around the Rosy then.
Ruffians: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Odd Narrator: What happened then, was told in many tales all throughout the Shire for years and years, but as no one thought to bring heir video cameras that day I'll do my best to give you the blow by blow. About twenty Ruffians burst out of the group and ran to the exits, swinging axes, whips and sticks around sending hobbits flying to and fro in their wake.
Farmer Cotton's Rifle: KAPLLLOWWWWIEEEE!
[CHUH-CHUNK]
Farmer Cotton: Whoo hoo... Got one.
Hobbit Arrows: Pppffftt, pfffhtt, pffffffttttt, thunk, pfhffttt, pffftt, thunk, thunk, pfffffftt, dink, dink, pffft... thunk, thunk.
Odd Narrator: Six of the Ruffians were shot... via various weapons, but the rest burst out of the doors and began to flee across the country.
Merry: BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZZ!!!
Far off distant Kazoos: buzz, buzz, buzzzity, buzzzzzzz!
Pippin: Do you think they have any idea?
Merry: SNORK... nope, there's some good eatin' for your kin today.
Pippin: [with Bullhorn] TOOK'S UNHINGE!
[Caaahhhhchinngggggg]
Odd Narrator: Yes, the double jointed jaws of the Took clan were poised for battle, but many of the Ruffians still refused to play duck-duck goose, so the battle began. Swords, arrows, whips and much chomping commenced.
Frodo: OH EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW! That is just SO disgusting.
Sam: Man alive... Uuuugggh!, [gulp] Percival Took just swallowed that little one whole... [holds mouth] Whoa there's one coming our way! I'll protect you Mister Frodo [hack, slice, parry]
Frodo: Let's just hide.
Sam: Got him. [wipes brow]
Frodo: Thanks Sam, I wish you hadn't stabbed him in the eyes too... [looking at the fighting below] OOOOOOh... that is just gross! Raw... they aren't even cooking them... just OHHH!
Sam: He got the jugular on that chomp... this is just...
Frodo: Sick! I know! Now who are the uncivilized folk of Middle Earth?
Sam: I think I'm going to hurl.
Frodo: See, I told you we shouldn't have let Pippin and Merry be in charge.
Odd Narrator: Then a came a turn in the battle. Several hobbits fell and many were wavering, some Tooks too full to move were being rolled slowly aside, but they hindered the incoming chompers and the Ruffians were hacking away mercilessly.
Merry: C'mon Pip, this is a job for FOOL OF A TOOK!
Pippin: AWOOOOO! [whips out sword] And Merry the Matador
Merry: [whips out red cape] Dun Dun DUN!
Pippin: [snicker] Let's go.
Odd Narrator: Pippin chased the men in wide circles and Merry taunted them with the cape as they worked as a team to hack them down, Merry himself bringing down the leader... Mister Squinty-eyed Brute himself.
Pippin: Awww, dangit, you got to kill the Witch King AND the Squinty-eyed Brute too?
Merry: Man I'm heroic. Saved world AND the Shire!
Pippin: Awww, now I won't get any place in the history books... [kicks a rock]
Ruffian #34: OW!
Merry: Hey, don't worry, you raised all Tookland, and the indigestion will be legendary, that will surely make it in to the history books...
Pippin: But...
Merry: Will it make you feel better if you kill the sidekick? He's right behind you.
Pippin: Whoo hoo [whips around with a high round kick, knocking down the ruffian] Think you can sneak up on ME do you? I'm a soldier of Minas Tirith [unhinges jaw] and I'm not on the Fat Boy Diet ANY MORE!!
Odd Narrator: Eeeewww, well it's best we don't describe that... and just sum up by saying that the Battle of Bywater, 1419, was rather gruesome and the whole thing ended up with nineteen hobbits dead and some thirty wounded. Nearly seventy Ruffians were either dead or unaccounted for... but resurfaced in burps and much dyspepsia, and several rather nasty cases of the runs for the next couple weeks in Tookland. The fallen hobbits were lain together on the hill, and a lovely garden was built around their graves, while the extra Ruffians, were hauled to the Sand Pit to be buried... the battle pit as they called it... but mysteriously when archeologists dug there eons later no remains were found. There were however many scattered human remains up behind Tookland... Thus one wonders about the true end of most of the Ruffians. [whispers] Kinda reminds one of "Fried Green Tomatoes"?
Ahem... And in all the history books the name of Cotton rose considerably for the historic first shot in the Battle of Bywater, but in all the lore and stories, all glory and fame rested upon the new dynamic duo... Captains Peregrin "Fool of a Took" Took, and Meriadoc "The Matador" Brandybuck. There was hardly any mention of Frodo as he watched from the stands and repeatedly lost his cookies on the floor, much to the vexation of the maintenance folk.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Frodo had been in the battle -- well, near the battle -- but he did not draw his sword, nor did he partake of the "ear of ruffian" that was offered to him by Took #63. Most of his time was spent trying to keep the Tooks from eating those enemies who threw down their weapons, and in a particularly frenzied incident, had to stop a couple of overly enthusiastic Tooks from eating an unsuspecting hobbit in their haste to do away with the ruffians.
When the fighting and feasting were finally over, Frodo was joined by Sam, Merry and Pippin, and they rode back with Farmer Cotton and his lads. They ate a late midday meal, though Frodo and Sam mostly played with their food, as the spectacle of the battle was still fresh in their minds, and no one even bothered to act shocked when Pippin devoured everything he could lay his hands on, including what remained of the others' meals.
Frodo: (sigh) I suppose now we ought to go and deal with the Cheese himself.
(Idril)
Pippin: Oooh! I like cheese!
Frodo: Shut up, Pippin.
Merry: Indeed, that Cheese has ripened long enough. Time for some slicing, I say.
Frodo: Merry!
Merry: Oh... sorry! That just popped out!
Odd Narrator: Farmer Cotton collected two dozen sturdy hobbits (that is, hobbits not prone to fainting spells or cannibalistic outbursts) and the party set out toward Hobbiton.
It was a heartbreaking sight. The great chimney of the transformer plant was busy belching black smoke into the air. The plant itself straddled the Water, surrounded by a chain-link fence and a half-acre paved parking lot. All along Bywater Road the great old hedges had been butchered -- cruelly cut into topiaries of Johnny Bravo, Dexter and the Power Puff Girls. As they crossed the bridge over the fouled stream, mutated frogs croaked at them and hopped away awkwardly on too many legs.
The sight beyond the bridge stunned them. The old Grange had been knocked down and replaced by a Target Superstore, which sat amid it's own expanse of yellow-lined asphalt. All the chestnuts were gone, replaced by strip malls whose garish signs advertised tanning beds, free beepers and "The Best Cappuccino this side of Valinor".
Frodo: [GASP!]
Sam: [GASP!]
Merry: HOLY ESCROW!! This is horrible!
Frodo, Pippin & Sam: [stare at Merry]
Merry: I swear I had nothing to do with it.
Frodo, Pippin & Sam: [more staring]
Merry: Come on guys! I only wanted to build a couple of strip malls... not like this!
[more staring]
Merry: Okay, I see the light! Strip malls are VERY BAD THINGS.
Sam: Hmmmph.
Odd Narrator: ANYWAY, as I was describing. Bagshot Row had been dug up entirely and replaced with a gleaming concrete Olympic-sized swimming pool complex with a fountain, hot tubs and bath houses...
Pippin: A swimming pool? Now that's pretty cool.
Odd Narrator: ... surrounded with more chain-link fencing and several large "Hobbits Prohibited" signs.
Pippin: Hey!
Odd Narrator: Well... hobbits are notoriously bad swimmers. They probably had trouble getting liability insurance.
Pippin: Oh, true. But still, that's not right.
Odd Narrator: Besides, what decent human would want to swim in a pool where hobbits have been?
Pippin: Now wait a minute!
Merry: [brap!]
Odd Narrator: See what I mean? [chuckle]
Pippin: Grrrrr!
Frodo: Settle down, Pip. He's just saying that to tweak you. He's gotten all feisty since they put those new cipher locks on the narrator's booth.
Odd Narrator: Who me? Feisty? [snork!]
Pippin: I've just got two things to say to you, Narrator!
Odd Narrator: What?
Pippin: Number one: I'm hungry.
Odd Narrator: Well that's nothing new. What's #2?
Pippin: 2434.
Odd Narrator: [SQUEAK!]
Sam: Will you two quit! Look, they're selling RV's out of the garden at Bag End!
Frodo: Oh dear!
Sam: [GASP!!!] And they cut down the Party Tree! [SOB!!]
Frodo: Oh Sam, it'll be alright... it's just a...
Sam: WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [he latches onto Frodo and sobs]
Frodo: Good grief!
Sam: You don't understand! That was the first tree Rosie ever tied me to!! WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Farmer Cotton: WHAT?
Frodo: OOOOkkay... a little too much info there, but that's okay. Ummm... there, there!
Ted Sandyman: AAHHH HAHAHAHAH!!
Sam: [looking up red faced] Is that Ted Sandyman?
Ted: Sam Gamgee... I'd recognize that wailing anywhere. What a puss- OOOOPPPH!!
Odd Narrator: Ted's taunting was cut short as Sam leapt upon him and proceeded to punch him repeatedly in the face... all the while uttering a stream of imprecations that would have made his Gaffer beam with pride.
Ted: OW OW OW! Waaaah!
Sam: $%&+@#*^&@!#%$*+$*^#@*&*^%$^#@&:%!@#$*$%!!!!!
Odd Narrator: After Ted's nose started bleeding Frodo gently pulled Sam off and shepherded him away. Pippin, still bundled in his thick parka suit, recovered Sam's glasses from the snow and awkwardly ran after them.
Merry: Wrong movie.
Odd Narrator: Oh! Right. Sorry! Anyway, some of the other hobbits helped poor Ted up, but he rudely shrugged them off and dashed back to the mill. A moment later an alarm sounded from the loudspeakers set along the lane.
Alarm: BRAP! BRAP! BRAP! BRAP!
Calm Female Voice: Intruder... Alert... Intruder... Alert. Security Please Report to Sector 12. Intruder... Alert... Intruder... Alert.
Alarm: BRAP! BRAP! BRAP! BRAP!
Odd Narrator: Merry yanked the wires loose from the nearest set of loudspeakers.
Calm Female Voice: Secur-
Merry: Save your alarm! I've got a better buzz than that! [BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ]
Hobbiton Hobbits: Woohoo!
Odd Narrator: Several dozen more Hobbiton hobbits emerged from their homes and joined the Bywater party. The troop followed Frodo & Co. up the lane. At the top of the lane they halted.
Frodo: Oh No!! This is awful!!
Sam: Don't worry Mr. Frodo... we can drag all these RV's out of here and repair the garden in no time.
Frodo: It's not that. Being so close to home reminded me. Aragorn gave me an orc-hand ashtray and I left it in Minas Tirith.
Hobbits: Awww! Shoot!!
Frodo: It was especially hideous too... would have looked great in the study.
Sam: Oh Mr. Frodo, I'm sorry.
Odd Narrator: Thus with weary hearts they rang the bell at Bag End.
Bell: Ding de-ding de-ding dong.
Pippin: Ewww! Is that "Some Enchanted Evening"?
Merry: I'm afraid so, Pip.
Frodo: (turns a bit green)
Merry: There's no answer, try again.
Sam and Pippin: (quickly) NO!
Frodo: I think I'll knock instead. [knock knock knock knock] Lotho!
[SQUEEEAK! The door swings open]
Hobbits: [GASP!!!]
Frodo: (turns very green)
Merry: Oh Eru... they've [gasp] redecorated!
Odd Narrator: Indeed, Bag End had been redecorated. The walls were pale blue and the carpet was the color of sand. Everywhere the hobbits looked there was wicker furniture, pastel pillows, fake ferns, decorative mirrors and seascape paintings.
Sam: This is worse than Mordor!!
Merry: Much worse! It's Florida Condo!!
Frodo: [whimper]
Sam: The bastards!!
Pippin: (from the main bedroom) There's nobody here! But someone left a mint on the pillow. Dibs!!
Merry: Where's Lotho? The toilet seat has one of those "sanitized for your protection" strips too. Looks like the place hasn't been rented all season.
Frodo: This is Mordor. That evil has trickled down from the Dark Lord to Saruman to Lotho.
Merry: There's nobody here, let's get out. That Saruman! If I'd known this was going on I'd have told Galadriel what he said about her shoes.
Saurman: (from the doorway) No doubt!
Hobbits: [gasp!]
Saruman: But if you'd told Galadriel what I said about her shoes, then I wouldn't be here to welcome you home!
Frodo: Sharkey?!? Aha! It's clear now... except... what in the heck are you wearing!
Saruman: Ermm...
Frodo: Is that my green velvet curtains?
Saruman: Err... Well yes! A wizard can't go around in rags, now can he?
Frodo: Curtains?
Saruman: Yes, yes! Your stupid little people don't produce material wide enough for a proper wizard's robe. But never mind that! I see that you've heard of my nickname. All my people in Isengard called me Sharkey... it's a sign of affection. I'll bet you didn't-
Pippin: That's funny, I didn't hear any of the Uruk-Hai call you "Sharkey". I did hear them call you "The Perv".
Merry: And "Dirty Old Man".
Pippin: And sometimes "That "*#$%@ #$*#$'ing #$@**#$-*$!%er."
Saruman: Silence! Now where was I?
Frodo: I'll bet you didn't...
Saruman: Right! I'll bet you didn't expect to see me here.
Frodo: Actually no. However we were very worried that you'd go to the Grey Havens and sabotage all the boats so that the ringbearers couldn't sail into the West.
Saruman: What?
Frodo: Gandalf said you might have some malice left in you... that you might sabotage the boats so that he and Galadriel and Elrond couldn't return to the West.
Saruman: (to himself) Oh crap! Why didn't I think of that?
Frodo: What?
Saruman: Errr... What a load of crap. Gandalf's talking out of his hat! Of course I have plenty of malice left... enough to-
Pippin: Mr. Saruman?
Saruman: Grrr... what?
Pippin: What's that on your staff?
Saruman: Nothing!
Merry: Yes, I thought Gandalf broke your staff.
Staff: Bzzzitt.
Pippin: Is that duct tape?
Saruman: No! I mean, none of your business, Pipsqueak!
Merry: Will it work like that?
Staff: Bzzzitt. (emits a faint whiff of burned wires)
Saruman: Never you mind! ANYWAY, I certainly could have sabotaged the boats if I'd wanted, but I didn't want to... so there! You halflings were oh-so-smug. I knew it would be much more fun to come and ruin your little pissant country. After all, you ruined my home.
Pippin: That wasn't us. The ents did that.
Merry: Why didn't you get your revenge on them?
Saruman: I didn't choose to! I picked you because...
Pippin: The ents are too strong.
Saruman ... the ents are too... No! That's not it. It was because...
Merry: Aragorn was coming to Isengard to kick your butt.
Saurman: ... Aragorn was coming to Isengard to kick... Arrggh! Will you two shut up? I can't hear myself think! Now where was I?
Frodo: You were explaining why you chose to pick on us small weak hobbits rather than any of the stronger people that actually contributed to your downfall.
Saruman: It was because you all were so smug! And so ga-ga over that precious Gandalf. Now he's left you all own your own, and I'll bet he owes you money, doesn't he!
Frodo: Well actually-
Saruman: Ha!
Frodo: No. Pippin picked his pockets and retrieved most of our money and belongings before we parted. We've known Gandalf a LONG time, you know.
Saruman: Well anyway! I've accomplished much here that you will find exceedingly difficult to undo in your lifetimes. No matter what happens, I've got that in my spank bank!
Frodo: Sheesh! Could you be any more lame?
Saruman: Unless... snork... it would take magic to cure the Shire now. Magical assistance from someone as strong as, say... Galadriel! Ha Ha Ha! But not Galadriel now... Galadriel before her ring lost its power! So unless that self-centered witch gave you some powerful token of Earth magic, you are SO screwed. Snork!
Sam: What? Did you say Earth? Like dirt?
Saruman: Yes, dirt! Hhooo hoo hoo! [GASP!] [slaps his knee] That's a good one! Galadriel's dirt magic! [CHORTLE!] Ahhhh! (wipes tears from his eyes.)
Sam: Hmmmm! Yeah... very funny!
Frodo: Are you quite done?
Saruman: Hmmm? Yes, yes. That's about all I had to say.
Frodo: Then I have one thing left to say to you. GIT! Leave the Shire and never return!
Hobbits: No! Kill him! Kill him!
Frodo: Go now!
Saruman: [mocking] Kill him, Kill him! Why I oughta'!
Hobbits: Kill! Kill!
Merry and Pippin: Kill! Kill!
Little Hobbit: (Tugging on Frodo's coat) Please Mr. Frodo! (looks up at Frodo with big brown eyes) Please can't we kill him?
Frodo: Ohh... chuckle... all right then!
Hobbits: Woo hoo!
Saruman: Ha! You just try it! I'll fry you all before you can say "Krispy Kreme"!!
Hobbits: [gasp]
Merry: Oh yeah?
Saruman: Yeah! [shaking his staff at them] I'll make your wee winkies shrivel up and fall off!
Staff: bzzzt
Hobbits: [clutch themselves protectively]
Farmer Maggot: Ummm... Maybe we should let him go.
Hobbits: Ummm... yeah! Kick him out!
Merry and Pippin: Kick him out! Kick him out!
Frodo: Don't believe him! His staff is broken. All he can do is threaten and bully and lie.
Saruman: That's not true... I can wheedle too!
Frodo: And wheedle! So go ahead and kill him!
Farmer Maggot: Pssst! Frodo... we're talking Russell the Wonder Muscle here! Do we really want to risk it?
Frodo: Ermmm... but before you do! Remember that vengeance never really solves anything!
Hobbits: mutter... mutter... he's right... mutter... just makes it worse... mutter... killing is wrong... mutter.
Frodo: Well, Saruman, I suppose you're free to go.
Saruman: Worm!
Hobbits: [GASP!! clutch themselves protectively again]
Saruman: Wormtongue! Come here!
Hobbits: [Whew!]
Saruman: We must go again! Our gracious hosts are giving us the boot. (sings) On the Road again... can't wait to be on the road again...
Wormtongue: whimper!
Odd Narrator: The hobbits made way for the wayward wizard and his slimy sidekick to leave... now clutching their hands protectively over their ears to avoid the singing. As Saruman passed by Frodo he turned and pointed behind Frodo's head.
Saruman: Look! The eagles are coming!
Frodo: (turns) Where!
Saruman: [lunge!][stab!]
Sam: Hey!
Mithril Shirt: Oh please! Now that's lame.
Saruman's Knife: [SNAP!]
Hobbits: Hey! [they mob Saruman and flatten him]
Saruman's Knife: Dammit, I TOLD you this was a bad idea. Now I'm broken!
Sam: [draws Sting]
Sting: Sha-wing!
Sam: I've had about enough of you, Spanky.
Saruman: The name is "Sharkey"!
Sam: That ain't what I heard.
Pippin: Snork!
Sting: I get to kill a wizard? Go me!
Frodo: Hold up! I'm not hurt! Don't kill him on my behalf, Sam!
Sting: Awww!
Sam: So... what? Want me to cut off his ear?
Wormtongue: (raises his hand politely) You could geld him.
Hobbits: Ick!
Sting: I don't wanna do that!
Frodo: (turning green again) Please don't! Just let him go... sheesh!
Sam: Alright, if you insist.
Saruman: (Getting up and dusting himself off) Good grief! What does it take to make you mad? Wait a minute... you haven't been listening to those stupid "Words of Wisdom" tapes that Gandalf made, have you?
Frodo: Well... yes, actually.
Saruman: Oh THAT explains it. What a rip-off artist! Taking people's money and turning them into pacifists.
Frodo: Hey! Don't talk bad about Gandalf. He gave me a 10% discount.
Saruman: Well he's certainly spoiled my fun. What good is vengeance if you all are going to be all goody-two-shoes-turn-the-other-cheek forgiving? Now I just look bad!
Frodo: Well I'm quite annoyed, if that helps any.
Saruman: (sarcastically) That makes it all worthwhile! Come Worm! We're off like a prom dress! We'll discuss that "gelding" comment later!
Wormtongue: Nooo... I don't wanna go!
Frodo: You needn't go with him, Grima. You've done nothing wrong.
Saruman: SNORK!! That's a good one! Do you want to know what our friend's been up to? Tell them, Worm!
Wormtongue: Noooo!
Saruman: I'll tell then. You wanted to know what happened to the Zit? Well... snicker... old Wormtongue here "Cut the Cheese", didn't you Worm?
Wormtongue: Arrrggh!
Farmer Maggot: Huh?
Saruman: He killed Lotho... cut his throat in the night.
Wormtongue: I'm sorry! Saruman told me to!
Hobbits: mutter mutter... the Zit probably had it coming... mutter... sounds like he didn't mean to... mutter.
Frodo: Well, that's no biggie. Nobody liked Lotho much. Stay with us, Grima! We'll see if we can't get you a pardon from the King.
Wormtongue: Really?
Frodo: Sure! We need one human around to change those really high light bulbs and get the Frisbees off the roofs.
Wormtongue: Cool... I can do that!
Saruman: No you don't! Look what else Mr. Tongue has been up to! Do you remember taking these? (pulls out several pictures hobbit lasses in various stages of undress).
Pippin: Hey! That's my sister!
Hobbits: MUTTER! MUTTER!
Wormtongue: Oh FUDGE!
Saruman: See? Wormtongue isn't so nice after all. He'd better go with me. Come along! [kicks Wormtongue in the shin]
(Merithehobbit)
Wormtongue: Ow... why are you always kicking me and ruining my reputation?
Saruman: It's fun. [turns and swoops out the door] Come along Salivary.
Wormtongue: [glare] I TOLD you to not call me that!
Odd Narrator: And with that Wormtongue leapt with a great somersault half pike twist, his robes swishing in the air around him, landing on his feet in perfect gymnastic prowess and stabbed Saruman in the back.
Saruman: Ow... hey. You can't stab me... a little dagger isn't going to kill me that easily...
Wormtongue: Yes it does! It says so right in the book.
Merry: Um, Mr. Tongue, excuse me, but you're supposed to yank back his neck and cut his throat.
Wormtongue: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! [stamps foot]
Saruman: [snicker] Loser! [whips out sword] I'll kill Taste Bud here and all you ornery hobbits. I still have some Special Evil Wizard powers even if my staff is a bunch of fried technology.
Wormtongue: Dangit I can't believe I messed that up! [stamps foot again] I never do anything right!! [stamps foot]
Odd Narrator: And in some weird fairy tale like ending Wormtongue stamped his foot through the floor and fell through... vanishing in a mist never to be seen again.
Hobbit Archers: WHAT? We don't get to shoot him?
Odd Narrator: He fell in the hole.
Hobbit Archers: [run over to the hole and shoot down]
Wormtongue: Ow. [bleed, bleed, die]
Saruman: You know the princess would have never guessed his name either... [swings sword around Samurai style] Ah a truly horrible parodic ending. Death to the heroes and woe to the reader... Frodo here at the end of the book I bid you farewell, you'll soon be missing more than a finger.
Frodo: What? Sam... you said I got to live... I hate sad endings...
Sam: You do... he's lying again... remember he's a bad guy.
Frodo: [holds up sword] I know I'm supposed to be a pacifist at the end, but dammit, you are such a slime, I think I'll just have to kill you.
Sam: Let me, please, I had all that practice... [nudge, nudge] remember the Tower at Cirith Ungol?
Saruman: [snicker] You, Frodo, have done nothing this entire time, falling down, scrambling around the countryside, having Elves and Dwarves, Men and even widdle Hobbits save you're a## the entire parody.
Frodo: Uh... I... uh... well I can't help it if Tolkien wanted me to be a peaceful person surrounded by a world of major goobers like yourself.
Saruman: Take your best shot shrimpy.
Frodo: [grits teeth] Alright fine! [swings sword]
Saruman: [clank]
Odd Narrator: I can't believe this! Frodo lunged and Saruman deflected the pathetic blow and now has his blade pointed at Frodo's neck, I can't have this... not at the end... I hate sad endings too...
Sam: Do something then.
Odd Narrator: Right... [whistles] [smiles at approaching figure] That was fast.
Oddly familiar voice: Well, I've been waiting around for nearly two books now.
Odd Narrator: As Frodo stood, on the brink of death once more, his life about to be snatched away as he stood not at Mt. Doom but in the Shire... within Bag End of all places. There in that peaceful abode, within the decent, though lacking in culinary discernment, land of the Shire... future of all civilized and decent utopian type societies, a figure stood behind the menacing form of Saruman.
Sam: OH MY GOSH! [gape]
Merry: I don't believe my eyes!! [rubs eyes]
Pippin: Well what do you know?
Frodo: Uh... can you get around to saving me now... guys... eeeep!
Saruman: Fine, I'll turn around what is the big fuss all about, I'll still kill him first and you all later.
Hobbits: THE BAR MAID!
Saruman: Huh?
Barmaid: Yup it's me and Saruman, I brought some pepper and hollandaise sauce. [unhinges jaw] Let me introduce myself... I'm a Took.
Saruman: Took?
Pippin: I got a toothpick with your name on it sister. [wink]
Odd Narrator: Saruman had no chance, for the hungry barmaid had missed the battle, and had long gone without food during her absence caused by the unfortunate mishap with the Watcher long ago...
Frodo: Eeeewww, [turning away] I'm going vegan now.
Sam: [gulp] Uh... would you like a napkin?
Pippin: [sauntering over unfazed to watch] Hey, how did you get away anyway... I mean, you must be clever being a Took and all, but the Watcher... he was really quite the monster.
Barmaid: Well, [chomp] I don't digest well, got spit up. [sucks at teeth] You folks were long gone, and [chomp] I started walking back to the Shire, as Moria was all closed up [chew] and then I found the pony [smacks lips] So we rode on home. [chew]
Merry: Eeeewww, do you have to talk with your mouth full of... uh... that.
Barmaid: He is really tough too, all gristly... want some?
Odd Narrator: Just as the Barmaid began devouring the... um... that is so disgusting... suddenly a mist surrounded the body of Saruman and a icky scary form started floating around in a creepy manner.
Frodo: No way! It's Voldemort.
Pippin: Wrong movie.
Frodo: No really, I think it is...
Sam: Well it's gone now.
Barmaid: [pout] And all it left me was nasty tough skin and cartilage.
Merry: Well, he really was Shark... ey after all! [snork]
Pippin: Ha ha... so funny I forgot to laugh.
Merry: [snork]
Sam: Well that was a rather gross end to the bugger. I wish I'd been making out with Rosie instead.
Merry: Well DUH! Everyone wishes you'd go get laid and stop blushing so much. I just hope we are done with all the really gross parts of the story now.
Sam: [blush]
Frodo: I hope so too... the gross parts over I mean... well, and Sam getting laid too, that would end a lot of things.
Sam: [gloomily] I shan't get laid until the Shire is cleaned up, and that will take a lot of time and work.
All Hobbits: We'll help, getting to work right now, it'll be real soon, we'll work hard... etc... etc..