(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits were at last riding towards the Shire. Though eager to get there, progress was slow because Frodo seemed to be in some discomfort, wriggling in the saddle.
Sam: [Looking concerned] What's wrong, Master. You've not got an itch or something?
Pippin: [Grinning] Maybe it's a rash?
Merry: Or blisters? [snork]
Frodo: It's nothing like that! I'm just feeling a bit under the weather.
Odd Narator: And so they continued riding until, on the 6th of October, they arrived at the Ford of Bruinen.
Frodo: [Doubled up on his pony] Ow! Ouch! Argh! OwOwOw! [Gasp] EE-EE-EEEEEEEEEEEECH!
Gandalf: Are you in pain?
Frodo: [Squinting up at Gandalf] Are you kidding? I'm DYING! The wound in my shoulder is having a birthday. Argh! Ow! I thought Elrond had cured it, the old quack.
Gandalf: He cannot perform miracles. Some wounds just never heal.
Frodo: Well, that's good to know, seeing as I've been stabbed, stung, bitten, and burdened down.
Gandalf: Well...
Frodo: My limb's got Phantom Syndrome, I'm a finger short of a full hand, the rest of me's got Chronic Fatigue and no doubt Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I may be going home, but it looks like I'll need a nurse, doctor, vet, psychiatrist and zimmer frame just to get up in the mornings... Or am I being unduly pessimistic?
Gandalf: [Looks up at the sky and starts to whistle tunelessly]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The next day dawned bright and sunny, but Merry, Pippin, Sam and Gandalf rose quietly, fearing the wrath of Frodo, who was in a particularly grumpy mood the day before.
Merry: Pip! Shhh! You'll wake the digitless one!
Pippin: Oh, sorry, sizzling bacon sure makes a loud sound!
Frodo: MMMMMMMM! It sure does! GOOD MORNING! I think I'll have some of that bacon there Pip! Did you sleep well, I just love the sound of chirping birds in the early morning li...
Sam: Um... Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: [gives Sam a hug] Yes, Sam?
Sam: Are you feelin' alright, I was a little worried about you with the aching and the moaning...
Frodo: Aching? Moaning? Are you sure you were in the same tent as me? There's no aching or moaning... unless you were watching something you ought'nt while I was sleeping!
Sam: No! I don't...
Frodo: [snicker] I just love to tease you Sam! [prances around stretching] OOOOH! What a beautiful Morning... OH! What a Beautiful day....
Gandalf: Well, we best be off then... TO WEATHERTOP!
Frodo: [cringe]
Merry: You may have a nice white staff and new hairdo, but DUDE... Shut up about the whole Weathertop thing!
Frodo: I'll be okay, just warn me when it's coming so I can hide under my magical elven cloak till we pass!
Sam: Will do! SADDLE UP!
Pippin: HEY! I wanted to say that... you said it yesterday.
Merry: No I did, but you're right, it's Pip's turn.
Sam: But it's just so fun, and Strider... I mean, King Aragorn.. he hogged it all the time.
Gandalf: Well, it's really annoying... LOAD UP! [smirk]
Odd Narrator: So the short troop with the tall Wizard made their way traveling along, enjoying the scenery until Weathertop of course, where Frodo hid, Pippin told scary stories to Merry, and Gandalf put in the occasional "BOO" just to see Sam, who was pretending not to listen, jump out of his skin again. At length...
Screenwriter: Whisper, whisper... [snicker]
Odd Narrator: Okay fine! You are so mean... It started raining, soaking them in fact, and the wind blew the pounding sheets of cold October rain in their faces for good measure... as they arrived at the very locked South-gate of Bree, which disappointed them greatly as Merry and Pippin were really hoping for a parade!
Pippin: [pout]
Merry: Hey, remember they don't get any reliable information this far from our fair leaders in Rohan...
Pippin: Oh brother, we haven't had any decent comforts, food or information since Aragorn left... you know all the good stuff is tied to the King now... and Gondor!
Merry: Rohan.
Pippin: Gondor.
Merry: Rohan.
Pippin: Gondor.
Merry: Rohan.
Pippin: Gondor.
Merry: Gondor.
Pippin: ROHAN...
Merry: [snork] Gotha!
Pippin: Why I oughta...
Sam: I don't know about you two but I'd just like an ale from the Pony... and to get home to the SHIRE... where we are FROM... remember.
Merry and Pippin: Oh yeah, Shire... [bang, bang, bang] LET US IN! LET US IN! LET US IN!
Frodo: [bang, bang, bang] Or we'll blow your gate down...
Gandalf: [snork] Yeah, right, by the hair of your chinny chin chin!
Gate Keeper: Oh DUDE! Sorry! I had the earphones on high... Aerosmith! And hey, let's leave the gate standing this time... we already had our gates knocked down by some big black riders, and the rumor is that they were after you all... OH hey Gandalf! Nice new do! Come on in, sorry about the rain again... it seems to rain every time you folks show up, so I should've known. They'll tell you all about our recession and the farming troubles, how everyone has the shakes for lack of pipeweed, and fill you in on the scandals of the past year down at the Pony...
Gandalf: But, I wanted to know...
Gate Keeper: DUDE... busy! [puts earphones back on] Get ole Butterbur to fill ya in... he likes to talk anyway and is bored out of his mind down there.
Odd Narrator: They made their way through the streets of Bree, noticing some changes, and scowling at Bill Ferny's house, which looked tattered and un-cared for over the last year...
Pippin: Do you think you killed him with the apple, Sam?
Sam: I wish! I do want to know what happened to Bill the pony though... what with giant, Hobbit eating Watchers in the Water and all...
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: At last the travelers came to the Prancing Pony where they received a poor welcome.
Nob: Mr. Butterbur, they're back!
Butterbur: What? Well shoot 'em!
Nob: But, it's not...
Butterbur: Here, give me that thing!
[KAPOW!!]
Gandalf: What the *#$*!!
[KAPOW] [poing!]
Pippin: I've been shot!
Gandalf: STOP!
Butterbur: Oh, it's you! Ooopsie! My bad!
Nob: I tried to tell you.
Gandalf: You shot my hat!
Pippin: You put a ding in my good armour!
Butterbur: Sorry, I thought you were those ruffians back again.
Gandalf: You aren't supposed to have a gun anyway. We're low tech.
Butterbur: It's only an air rifle.
Gandalf: Oh! Well that's alright then.
(merithehobbit)
Butterbur: Well then, sorry about that! Good thing you have... hey! I never expected to see you folks back... dang... I'll lose my bet!
Merry: You bet we'd never return?
Butterbur: Well...
Pippin: That we'd die?
Butterbur: Um...
Sam: How much did you bet?
Butterbur: Thirty silver pieces! And how will I scrape that up in this poor economy... dang King!
Frodo: HEY, it isn't the King's fault the economy is bad, he just got crowned a few months ago... doesn't he get a honeymoon... well, he is technically still on his honeymoon...
Butterbur: Oh, it isn't? He is? Sorry, Hobnob says I get too influenced by the TV... I was watching the news just now, they always blame the King for every downturn in the economy, market or troubles with big corporations... I just don't want to have to pay up for you little twerps making it home alive... being as all my stock options are in the privy!
Frodo: Well, how's that for confidence!
Butterbur: Well, you were four little hobbits against the big bad world, and hangin' around that Strider, and askin' for Gandalf... well, that is beggin' for trouble and no mistake.
Sam: Hey, that's my little quip.
Butterbur: Well, you all will be wanting those same cozy rooms that the Nazgul chopped to bits I suppose? They're free, being as they are all chopped to pieces...
Merry: Hey, we don't want chopped up beds! Don't you have some better rooms?
Butterbur: Well, sure I do! Does this place look packed to you?
Merry: Looks like you need a new PR firm!
Butterbur: That I do. But I'll get you some nice rooms this way, follow me.
Pippin: [clink, clank]
Merry: [clank, clink, chink]
Butterbur: Here ya go, nice big beds, a Jacuzzi and a kitchenette.
Gandalf: Wow, nice. I've never been in this suite before...
Butterbur: Well, it's supposed to be for big wigs, but no one with a big wig has been coming through lately, and so you folks will have to do.
Pippin: [running over and pouncing on the bed] [bounce][clink] [bounce][clank] [bounce][clink] [WHEE!]
Merry: Oh that's mature, Mister Soldier of Gondor!
Pippin: [Whee!] You're just jealous you didn't think of it first!
Frodo: Well, I claim this one.
Sam: Hey, there's only four beds. Where do I sleep?
Gandalf: You can use the hide-a-bed in the couch...
Sam: Oh man! I hate that... the stupid bar in my back all night long!
Butterbur: Uh, I'll bring you a rollaway... I have PLENTY you can have two! Oh, after dinner I want to talk to you guys alone...
Frodo: Um, why don't you just talk to us whenever you like... there isn't anyone here.
Butterbur: Right you are little sir... let's go eat and talk.
Odd Narrator: So the group sat and ate and talked. They filled Butterbur in on the WHOLE DANG story... from the slutty ring and their struggles with maintaining their heterosexuality to the Orcs the Balrog, the whole issue of wood and the politically incorrect use of the words faggot, dyke and fanny. They described the Carnies, Ents and Faramir and his Buff Band of Buddies, they detailed the battles, acting out scenes from time to time and frightening passersby with their perfected Nazgirl imitations. Butterbur was shocked and overwhelmed to boredom as he heard the tale of their travels, and heroism. He did a lot of nodding and was one of those folks that compare exciting details to all the bad things that were happening in the backwoods where he lived. It would take too long to show you the whole telling so through the miracle of modern editing, using fades and a few swipes, I'll just let you have a taste of the conversation.
[Fade in]
Pippin: ... So these Great big trees were having a moot, which is like a big meeting, and it lasted forever, but we did get some Kool-aid that made us grow but the protest signs and songs were excellent and the whole forest moved and the...
Butterbur: Well, you know, we've had a lot of trouble with the big hedge... I wonder if they can move around like those tree folks do?
[swipe]
Merry: ... Then the whole town of Edoras was deserted and the folks all departed...
Butterbur: Kind of like in Bree, it's deserted, and no one comes to my Inn anymore...
[swipe]
Frodo: ... And we climbed these stairs forever and then Gollum turned into a blues singer...
Butterbur: Oh, really, kind of like how everyone around here and in the Shire are singing the blues about being occupied by ruffians?
[swipe]
Sam: ... Well, then this big Spider tried to kill Frodo and I stabbed the thing, and then he got drug off with the Orcs, hundreds of them... and I had to kill... I mean, they all killed each other... blood everywhere...
Butterbur: Kindof like we had all that trouble with the strangers... we had some folks killed... killed DEAD!
Gandalf: Really, are you sure? Killed all the way dead? Or just plain ole killed.
Butterbur: Hmmm. [Deep in thought] Well, I think it was killed dead... there were three and two...
Gandalf: Thirty-two?
Butterbur: No, no, you old geezer... three big folk and two little folk... killed dead. All these robbers and ruffians came in for a big New Years party and they never left, taking all the Southfarthing weed, causing trouble, disobeying traffic signs, loitering and even spitting on the road if you can believe it!
Pippin: [SNORK]
Merry: [SNICKER]
Frodo: Well, we didn't see any of these "bad" strangers on the road... no one bothered us at all.
Butterbur: Well, they wouldn't go bothering folks that had armor and weapons... just us regular folks.
Sam: Maybe they saw us having our spitting contest earlier and took no notice of us?
Frodo: We did have some world class spittin' on the way over here. My personal favorite is the tongue curl launch. [sticks out toungue] It's genetic you know, to be able to curl your tongue like this!
Sam: That's everyone's favorite, and I think it is genetic for all guys to be able to launch loogies from the tongue curl! I kind of like the through the teeth it is more challenging.
Frodo: Yeah, but I whipped everyone on that one, [smiles] biggest gap and no mistake!
Sam: [glare]
Pippin: Merry hocked a loogie at least 20 feet I swear!
Merry: It was a doozie... but, Gandalf's magical, multicolored, exploding loogie was the coolest... almost as good as fireworks.
Butterbur: Oh they would be afraid to confront you with your overwhelming loogie hocking talents then...
[Fade out!]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits suddenly realized that all those slack-jawed expressions of wonder on the Breelander's faces had more to do with their appearance than their unexpected return. Then they realized that the locals probably didn't even recognize them from last fall. That pissed them off and they had to have a few beers to cool down. But after a few beers they realized that they did look pretty outlandish, with Merry and Pippin's armor and Sam's leather biker jacket with Gwahir emblazoned on the back.
Frodo: And Gandalf's new blue "gown".
Gandalf: It isn't a gown, it's a robe!
Frodo: Well it's very... umm... pretty.
Gandalf: Thank you!
Pippin: There's your tattoo too, Merry.
Merry: Don't be silly, that's not where they can see.
Pippin: But they can see the ring in your eyebrow.
Merry: True. And I doubt they've seen a dangly orc-skull earring like yours before either.
Pippin: You have a point there!
Frodo: Maybe I shouldn't have let Deb dye my hair...
Merry: No, it looks great! I didn't think green would work, but somehow it's just really "you".
Sam: Umm... [shuts up]
Frodo: Oh don't act all prissy about it, Sam. We all know you got your tongue pierced.
Sam: Hmmmph... that's not a big deal. It'll close up in 24 hours if I take the stud out.
Gandalf: Well if our outlandish... uh... ness scares the ruffians away, then they're pretty wimpy. Perhaps they'll leave you alone while we're here.
Butterbur: I hope you'll stay a while then. There's been all sorts of cow-tipping and road-sign vandalizing going on since the Rangers left. If'n I'd known how much help they'd been in keeping the peace, I probably wouldn't have made them eat out back and sleep in the stables. Now I feel sort of bad for all the times folks threw rotten fruit at them for fun.
Gandalf: Don't fret! The Rangers are coming back. They said they needed to get back North soon, and something about "axes to grind in Bree". So I'd imagine that they'll show up at the blacksmith's shop shortly, if they haven't already. Funny, I didn't realize your smith was so well regarded in comparison to the smiths of Gondor.
Butterbur: [pales]
Frodo: I didn't realize they carried axes... didn't they have swords?
Gandalf: Hmmm... you're right. Maybe I misunderstood. Oh well! In any case there will be lots more people traveling North, and many more people settling up this way.
Butterbur: In Bree? We don't want a lot of strangers in Bree.
Gandalf: Oh I'm sure they'll leave you in peace! Plenty of room for everyone! Of course the Greenway will have to be widened and repaved so they can run the big trucks through here and up to Fornost.
Merry: And we'll be putting in a Hornburger, of course.
Pippin: And a Starbucks and a couple of strip malls.
Sam: Weren't they planning to round up all the civic leaders to be put into "re-education camps"?
Butterbur: [pales]
Frodo: No, I think that was just for Dunland.
Sam: You're right. My mistake.
Gandalf: In any case there's a King again, Barliman, and he's especially interested in Bree.
Butterbur: [gulp] And why is that?
Sam: Because he's the chief of the Rangers. Strider is the king!
Butterbur: [gape]
Sam: He said that he especially remembers all the times he's received such a warm welcome here...
Butterbur: Strider?
Sam: ... and that he'd see to it that the good people of Bree get exactly what they deserve.
Butterbur: [squeak!] [faint]
Pippin: SNORK!
Merry: Chortle!
Frodo: Well that wasn't very nice.
Sam: You're right, Mr Frodo... I just couldn't help myself.
(BunnieBugs)
Butterbur: (starting to come around) Whuh? Where? What happened?
Sam: We were talking about... (whispers) Strider.
Butterbur: (pales and starts to faint again)
Frodo: Oh, no you don't! (steadies Butterbur) I think it's time we all went to bed.
Butterbur: You've given me a lot to think about. (shudder) Doubt I'll be doing much sleeping tonight, but I suppose you will. (calls out the door) Nob! Nob... wait, that reminds me of something. D'oh! (smacks himself in the forehead and passes out cold)
Pippin: Boy, this is just not his night, is it?
Merry: Hold on... I'll fix this. (throws half a mug of ale in Butterbur's face)
Butterbur: (sputter, cough) I'll take "To Beer or not to Beer" for 100, Alex!
Frodo: Steady on! You were just remembering something else.
Butterbur: I was? Oh! I was! You remember that pony you bought from Bill Ferny? Well, it's here. It was hardly better than skin and bones when it came back, but it's alive and Nob's been taking care of it.
Sam: WHAT? My Bill? Oh, you wonderful, beautiful man! *MWAH!* (kisses Butterbur on the cheek) I'm sorry I teased you back there! Where is he? Can I go see him? Can I, huh?
Butterbur: (wiping face) Well he's in the stables, isn't he? Not like I'd put him up in a room or something...
Sam: Well, I want to see him. NOW!
Frodo: Oh, come on, Sam. He'll be there in the morning, and we're all tired, so I thing we should go to...
Sam: (yells) NOBODY moves a MUSCLE until I've seen my Bill! Do I make myself clear? [glares]
Everyone: [GAPE]
Frodo: Sure, Sam.
Pippin: Whatever you say, Sam.
Merry: Knock yourself out, Sam.
Gandalf: Tell Bill I said "hi. "
Sam: That's better. I'll be back in a bit.
[Butterbur and Sam exit]
Merry: Whooeee! That boy is tense.
Pippin: There's an understatement!
Frodo: Oh, give him a break. He's nervous about seeing Rosie again.
Merry: (smiles knowingly) O-ohhh!
Pippin: [snicker]
Gandalf: Well, somebody better give the poor lad a footrub before he has an aneurism.
Merry and Pippin: Not me! (look at Frodo, grinning)
Frodo: Awww! Not again! (sigh)
(Idril)
Merry: Hobnob! Do you think you could wake us up at 9:30? We'll want breakfast then.
Hobnob: What would you like for breakfast?
Merry: Hmm... I'll have country ham, scrambled eggs, biscuits with red-eye gravy and sweetened hogberries. Make sure the hogberries are nice and hot!
Pippin: I'll have Eggs Maltaise, strawberry crepes and a half-dozen croissants with orange preserves. Oh, and two naked women.
Hobnob: [gape]
Merry: Pippin! (rolls his eyes at his silly cousin) You know you can't get orange preserves in Bree!
Pippin: Oh sorry! Make that pear preserves.
Merry: And throw in two naked women for me too. Got that?
Hobnob: (recovers and then sribbles a note on a pad) Ummmm... yep! I've got it all down here.
Hobnob's notepad: Wake Merry and Pippin at 6am sharp. Breakfast: 2 orders porridge, extra soupy. Get Hulga to serve it.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The Hobbits remained in Bree all the next day, mostly because Barliman was giving them free stuff if they would put in a good word for him with the King. And also because they were really good for business!
During the daytime Barliman was making a killing off of the Tee-shirt and autograph concession he had set up outside the Inn. Inside he had full sets of the "Nine Fingered Frodo and The Ring of Doom" action figures collection. Plus copies of the One Ring, Anduril, the Frodo's finger joke box, which was little more than a matchbox with a hole cut in the bottom of it so that you could stick your own finger through it and when you showed it to someone you would yell Boo! and move the finger. It was a laugh riot, plus cheap to make and easy enough to turn a handy profit on. In addition to those baubles, there were Autographed 8x10 glossies, character glasses, buttons, directors cut DVD's, bumper stickers, rub on tattoos, and, of course, the set of nine Nazgul Bobblehead dolls. Couldn't keep 'em in stock. People came from all over the Shire, but no matter what they saw, or how much they bought, the same question kept coming back to Frodo:
Tell me about Sam? Is he married? How tall is he? Are you two really friends? What was it like to be able to go with him all the way to Mordor and back? You must feel sooo lucky! Still, Frodo was kind enough to autograph their memorabilia, despite their most ardent protestations.
By night however, it was an entirely different story, The quaint Inn at The Sign of The Prancing Pony transformed into the number one nightspot in all Eriador. All of the beautiful people were there and the gaffer too. But everyone sort of ignored him as he wasn't supposed to be making an appearance until later in the story. But he was really old so everyone cut him some slack.
Soon after the "autograph" session, Frodo went out for a quiet stroll amid the quaint streets of Bree. Shutters banged closed and people spoke in hushed voices and pointed rudely as Frodo walked by. One brave young lass ran up to Frodo and gave him a kiss on the cheek,
Frodo: (sheepishly) Thanks.
Young Girl: Give that to Sam for me? Thank you... Sir.
Frodo: sigh. Okay.
Odd Narrator: Head down, he wandered back to the Pony where the party was in full swing. There was a tremendous line at the door and upon seeing it, Frodo felt his spirits rise and he quickened his pace.
Frodo: Now this is more like it! I'll just go on in and...
Doorman: Hold up Buddy, the line begins back there.
(Points to some invisible point in the distance. )
Doorman: And if ya want ta get in you're gonna have to do something about those clothes, those are so third age!
Frodo: Why I'll have you know that...
Voice off Camera: Hey pal, it's okay, he's with me.
[enter Sam]
Doorman: Oh! Why of course Mr. Gamgee, any friend of yours is...
Sam: Yeah, whatever babe, just keep the riff-raff out okay Sparky?
(in the line the girls scream wildly at Sam's appearance. )
Doorman: Yes Sir Mr. Gamgee, you can count on me sir!
Sam: Thaaaaat's a good fellow.
(slips the doorman a twenty)
Sam: Come on in Mr. Frodo Sir! This place is jammin!
Frodo: (sigh) That's okay Sam, I think I'll just go to bed.
Sam: Not now Mr. Frodo! The party is just getting cranked up!
Frodo: Good night Sam, See you in the morning.
[exit Frodo]
Sam: Poor Mr. Frodo. His poor hand must really be bothering him. Maybe I should...
Female voice: Hellooooo Sam.
Sam: Audrey, Baby! And all grown up. It's been such a long time...
Odd Narrator: And so with all dark thoughts gone for the moment, the three remaining Hobbits partied until dawn. Gandalf was doing belly shots while Merry and Pippin battled to see who could drop the longest spit string and still suck it back into their mouths. It ended in a draw, but the hilarity it provided was told in stories around the party Tree and at campfires for years to come.
In the morning when they awoke and finally managed to figure out how to get Pippin down off the chandelier, they sat in the bar and nursed their hangovers with strong coffee and dry toast, even Pippin. After awhile Barliman brought each of them a Bloody Mary and that seemed to do the trick. Before long they were dressed and ready to go. The Hobbits looked resplendent in their dress military uniforms and old Gandalf shone like that light under the door in "Close Encounters. " Actually it was kind of creepy.
No one was about to see them leave as they made their way through town and out the gates. For on this morning hangovers... um, hung over, the town. Yet the party was cheered as they passed a banner which stretched across the city's street welcoming back the Hobbits. A large piece was missing out of the center of the banner where the night before, Sam and Merry had swung it wildly while Pippin hung from it by his teeth and Gandalf, in a drunken haze, egged them on.
Pippin: It's good to be home!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: As they rode towards the Shire, the pony, Bill, was carrying most of their heavy luggage, but he seemed content.
Bill: [Glares at the Narrator]
Frodo: Over breakfast, Barliman seemed to be hinting that all was not well in the Shire.
Sam: All is not well here. Anybody got an aspirin?
Frodo: Didn't you see some bad stuff in the mirror, Sam?
Sam: Too right. Red eyes with puffy bags under them.
Frodo: Not the bathroom mirror. Galadriel's!
Sam: So I did. [slaps his forehead] Ow! I shouldn't have done that.
Frodo: Well what did you see?
Sam: Stars. Look, they're all different colours.
Frodo: What did you see in Galadriel's mirror?!
Sam: Uh, sorry. Let me think... Deforestation for one.
Merry: That could be part of my development scheme.
Sam: And evictions.
Merry: Just to make way for bigger, better housing...
Sam: And tobacco rationing.
Merry: DISASTER! That's nothing to do with my plans.
Pippin: If it's anything that bad, I'll bet it's Lotho's fault.
Gandalf: My money would be on Saruman.
Hobbits: SARUMAN?
Gabdalf: Yup.
Merry: Well, you'll take care of him easily, Gandalf. You're the Heavy White Champion of Middle-Earth.
Gandalf: Me? Uh uh. I'm officially retired. I get to be totally irresponsible and embarrassing, so you should be grateful that I'm about to exit stage left.
Merry: Whaaaat! You're not leaving?
Pippin: If you try to go, I'll lay on the floor and kick and scream and scream until I go blue in the face.
Gandalf: That won't cut any ice any more. In case you hadn't noticed, you're all grown ups now, which means making your own arrangements for insurance, mortgages, health care schemes, and evil wizards.
Hobbits: [Gloom]
Gandalf: As it happens, when we get down the road here, I'm off to have a jamming session with Tom 'Sticks' Bombadill. Admittedly, he's a bit of a Blues man, while I prefer Hard Rock, but I'm sure we'll be able to play off each other.
[Doing air-guitar with his staff and singing] 'And he was too old to Rock'n'Roll but he was too young to die. No, you're never too old to Rock'n'Roll if you're too young to die'.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Soon they came to the point on the road where Bombadill had left them all those months ago, and Gandalf made ready to turn aside. The hobbits peered into the grey mist, hoping the jolly fellow would be there to greet them.
Sam: What?
Frodo: Who are we talking about?
Gandalf: Tom Bombadill. Remember?
Frodo: [shakes his head]
Gandalf: Yellow boots? Sings a lot of songs?
Sam: Oh... was that the one that kept forgetting the...?? No, wait, that was Butterbur.
Gandalf: Surely you remember Bombadil. He saved you from the barrows.
Pippin: Is he the one that gave us all that great advice about traveling on the river?
Merry: No, that was that elf guy... what's his name... starts with a E.
Frodo: You're thinking of Elrond, Merry. The one with the river advice was Haldir.
Gandalf: Celeborn.
Frodo: Celeborn, right.
Pippin: Well which one was Bombadill?
Sam: Was he the one that turns into a bear?
Frodo: Sam! That wasn't even in our story, duh!
Gandalf: Don't you remember Tom Bombadill and Goldberry?
Frodo: OOOOhhhh! Goldberry! Right. Nice lingerie.
Sam: Kind of shrill though.
Merry: Oh that's right, Frodo almost got laid.
Pippin: Then he woke up... <SNORK>
Frodo: Pippin, just shut up.
Pippin: Make me, Baggins.
Gandalf: Umm... well I'm off! And you all need to stop sitting around gabbing and get to the Bridge before they start charging a cover-charge.
Merry: What's a cover charge?
Gandalf: You'll see! Ta!
Frodo: Hey, wait... ummm... I hate to mention this but-
Odd Narrator: And with that Gandalf and Shadowfax raced off across the Barrow Downs.
Frodo: (shouting) Hey! Where's the twelve bucks you owe me!
Pippin: (snicker)
[pause]
Merry: Well, it's just the four of us again.
Pippin: Yep, seems like we left the rest of them behind, one by one.
Sam: No more big humans or wizards around.
Frodo: Or elves or dwarves.
[pause]
Hobbits: [look around carefully]
Frodo: Okie doke. All clear! Bring 'em out, Sam.
Sam: (digs in the baggage and produces four bags of Dove Promises. )
M&P: Yaaahooo!
Merry: If I eat all this I'll never be able to sleep tonight.
Frodo: Caffeine doesn't bother me a bit.