(Idril)
Odd Narrator: A few weeks later the hobbits began to notice that their welcome was wearing a bit thin in Gondor. The citizens at first had been very grateful, and provided free meals just for the fun of seeing them eat their weight in almost anything palatable. But then food stores started running a bit low, prices went up, and before long "No Periannath" signs began popping up in the local buffet-style restaurants.
The hobbits started wondering how things were going at home. They all wondered whether their sweethearts were being faithful to them (except for Frodo), and too they wondered how their parents were doing (well, except for Frodo again. )
Frodo: <sigh>
Odd Narrator: So by a three to one vote Frodo was elected to go break the news to old Strid-er, I mean King Elessar that they were ready to head back North. Frodo found him sitting with Lady Arwen by the fountain.
Arwen: (singing)
You are very white, but not quite as white, as the white, white tree Telperion
But that tree was gone, long before the first dawn, and you are here now, Galathilion
My beloved is bright, but not quite as bright as my highly wise elven lord Father
But my beloved is here and to me he's quite dear, and sea cruises are such a great bother....
Aragorn: So, you liked, hmmmm?
Arwen: What?
Aragorn: You know...
Arwen: Oh yes, ahh... perfectly adequate!
Aragorn: So... when should we have another go?
Arwen: What?
Aragorn: When do you want to make love again?
Arwen: Again?
Aragorn: Yes.
Arwen: Oh, again! I hadn't considered that. Hmmmmm... how about next spring?
Aragorn: WHAT?
Arwen: I usually feel quite frisky in the spring. But if you've got plans then... no hurry.
Aragorn: [GASP]
Arwen: I thought you knew... we elves just aren't into all that grunting and sweating stuff... we're more... spiritual I suppose would be the right word.
Aragorn: Oh, puuuuulease! I've gone out on the town with your brothers. I know what elves are like.
Arwen: You can't go by my brothers... they're total deviants. Something went haywire with them after they found Mom in that orcs' den.
Aragorn: But... not until next spring?
Arwen: I think a little abstinence would do you good... spiritually speaking. Judging from all the young men around here who look exactly like you, I'd guessing you haven't tried that too often. Who was the fellow with Faramir?
Aragorn: Well never mind that... Oh hello, Frodo!
Frodo: Umm.... errr... Hello, Sire. I hope I'm not...
Arwen: Certainly not! It is good to see you.
Aragorn: Well you're probably wanting to head home, ay? Check on old Ma and Pa?
Frodo: I'm an orphan.
Aragorn: Oh, silly me. I forgot.
Frodo: But I did wonder that Bilbo didn't come to the wedding.
Arwen: Oh he wasn't feeling well. After the ring was destroyed... well... it had sustained him in many ways...
Frodo: [GASP] You don't mean?
Arwen: Yes, it's true. Bilbo isn't the bull stud of Rivendell anymore. Poor thing is terribly depressed about it too.
Frodo: Then I must go and.... er.... ummm....
Aragorn: ... try to distract him with the tale of your hopelessly "G-Rated" adventure?
Frodo: Yes, that's it. <sigh>
(BunnieBugs)
Aragorn: In seven days we'll go...
Frodo: We?
Aragorn: Snook-ums and I are riding with you at least as far as Rohan.
Arwen: Please don't call me that.
Frodo: Really? What about your new kingdom... the one you've been wanting all your life... You're just gonna up and leave it already?
Aragorn: They'll never miss me. They've done without me for this long, after all. Plus, I'm the King, dude! If I say I have vacation hours coming, no one's gonna argue with me.
Frodo: Well, okay. It'll be like old times.
Aragorn: Yup. And... an excuse to wear my stinky old boots! And a chance to get all grimey and rank again! Whoo-hoo!
Frodo: (groans) Ugh! It really WILL be like old times!
Arwen: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Aragorn: Awww! (pout) Anyway, in three days Eomer will be back to get the old man's corpse and take it back to the Mark, and we shall ride with him because... well, it's polite and neighborly.
Meanwhile, I just want you to know that, like Faramir said, you and your buddies are free forever in Gondor... although I expect you'll always have difficulty getting into those All-You-Can-Eat places.
And I'm kinda embarrassed about this, but I just haven't had any time to go shopping, and I so wanted to get you some sort of gift... You know, a token of appreciation for your brave deeds and all... Stupid souvenir shop is always closed by the time I get off work! So I had to settle for getting you a card. [hands card to Frodo]
Frodo: (reading) "Congratulations... (opens card) ... you did it. Love, Aragorn" Hmmm. A little on the lame side, don't you think? Wait... what's this? A coupon? "Good for four ponies and four princely hobbit-sized outfits. " Cool!
Aragorn: I thought you might like that. Not exactly a gift, but better than nothing.
Arwen: (clears throat) Well, YOU may not have managed to find a decent present, but I think I can more than make up for your inadequacies in this area. Frodo, I will not be passing into the West with my father, as I have chosen the path of eventual decrepitude, death and decay...
Aragorn: Honey, do you have to keep putting it like that? It sounds so depressing...
Arwen: (ignores Aragorn) So, if you like, you may take my place at the Havens, and pass over the sea to the land of hedonistic pleasures, a sensual feast of color and song, filled with adventurous and willing elven maids...
Frodo: (gapes) I... I... I...
Arwen: Think of it, Frodo! One little hobbit among all those pleasure-seeking elves...
Frodo: (squeak!) Where do I sign?
Aragorn: Ooh, can I go too?
Arwen: (thorks Aragorn on the forehead) You have me, remember?
Aragorn: (rubbing his head) Yes, dear. (sigh) I can hardly wait until next spring.
Arwen: Frodo, darling, until it's time for you to go, I'm giving you this to help you get through difficult times. [hands Frodo a white gem on a chain]
Frodo: Jewelry? Isn't that a little... well... prissy? I have a hard enough time getting dates without looking like a drag queen!
Arwen: Trust me, Frodo. The girls will love this. (whispers in his ear) It gives off pheromones. Very powerful. They won't be able to keep their hands off you. (sits back and winks)
Frodo: (choking up) Oh... this is the best present! (sniffle) You're the best queen ever! No wonder Strider loves you so much!
Arwen: Yes. Well. Our little secret, okay?
Frodo: Okay. (tearfully) You've made me one happy hobbit!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: In three days, as the King had said, Eomer of Rohan came riding to the city and with him came an Eored of the fairest kights. He was welcomed...
Gondor: Welcome.
Eomer: Thanks.
Odd Narrator: And when they all sat at the table at Merethrond, the great hall of feasts, he was filled with... um ...
Eomer: Wonder.
Odd Narrator: Wonder? Really?
Eomer: No, but just say the line.
Odd Narrator: Well okay but, well I mean, LOOK! Wonder is fine and all, but you're a single guy and these are some of the hottest babes ever to walk in Middle Earth. Is wonder really the best you can come up with?
Eomer: Le's jist say that Ah have enough good sense to keep mah banner furled in the present company. If'n thar's one thing that Ah val-oo over a good old fashuned roll in the hay, it's keptin' mah neck attached to mah shoulders. Now SAY IT!
Odd Narrator: Okay, okay, wonder. And before he took his leave and went to rest, he sent for Gimli the Dwarf.
Gimli: Eomer.
Eomer: Shorty.
Gimli: Well?
Eomer: Better git yore axe son.
Gimli: Why?
Eomer: Well, Ah seen her, the Wood Lady Ah means. An she's a looker too Ah gotta say, but well, fine as she is, and Ah do mean fine, Ah jist has to say that that Lil Arwen is cuter'n a pup in th' shade!
Gimli: What?
Eomer: She's a classy lassie with a snazzy chassis.
Gimli: Again, What?
Eomer: She makes my yearnin' start burnin'.
Gimli: I think you can get a shot for that last one if you go to...
Eomer: Ah'm sayin' Ah likes the young stuff dadgummit! Gay-lad-ree-ell is fine enough, but Arwen's number one in mah book.
Gimli: You people have books?
Eomer: Well... no. But y'all gits what Ah'm sayin' right?
Gimli: I um... reckon so. And that's fine with me. You've chosen the heat and passion of youth while I prefer the experience and skill of maturity. It's fair enough.
Eomer: Sorta like pickin' Sophie Lor'n over Cin'y Crawford?
Gimli: Yeah, something like that.
Eomer: That means we ain't not gonna fight right?
Gimli: Uh, yeah. I think.
Eomer: Whoo doggies! Boy ah'll tell you what, that thar's bin a-pesterin' me like a big ol' burr unner mah saddle if'n you takes me meanin' an wot not. But Ah's shore 'nuf glad t'git that out the way so's now Ah kin chew 'n spit in some kinda comfortayshun.
Gimli: I got nothing.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: The day of departure arrived and, as the company began to assemble, the two kings went down to the tombs to fetch the body of Theoden. They found it laid upon a golden bier.
Aragorn: How on earth are we going to carry that bier between us?
Eomer: Shoot. Yer thunk we should'a brung more men?
Aragorn: Too right!
Eomer: Dumb, huh? Best go git some.
Aragorn: We can't! We'd look stupid.
Eomer: But we are.
Aragorn: No need to advertise it, though.
Eomer: Y'all got a better plan?
Aragorn: Hang about here. I'll just have a quick look round.
[..... later]
Aragorn: I'm back, and we're sorted.
Eomer: Wha's them?
Aragorn: A skateboard and baseball bat. They belong to the tombkeeper's son. We did a deal. Now, you use the bat as a lever to raise the bier and I'll slide the skateboard under it.
Odd Narrator: So, eventually, the two kings managed to push the golden bier through the city in... wait up, I can hardly describe that racket as 'silence'. Sheesh! It's enough to wake the dead.
Theoden: Wassa?
Odd Narrator: THEN, with the help of a LOT of Rohan riders, they hoisted the bier onto a big wagon.
Eomer: Best y'all ride up top wi' Theoden, Merry, an stop 'im a-slidin' off. We sure 'ad trouble keepin' 'im on that thar bier. Un's a right lively corpse.
Odd Narrator: Those of the company without mounts were lined up in order of height so that steeds could be allocated accordingly. Two ponies were given to Sam and Frodo, and horses were handed to various men, leaving just an ass for Pippin. As is the wont of such beasts, it was badly behaved and wandered off.
Merry: Hey, Pippin, you better go grab your ass. Hee Haw!
Odd Narrator: And so the solemn procession began. Theoden Thengel's son was heading home with an escort, the like of which had never been seen before. Along with the kings were Gandalf, the hobbits, Gimli and Legolas, Arwen, Galadriel, Elrond et al, the knights of Gondor, Riders of Rohan, princes of Dol Amroth, princes of Ithilien, assorted captains, a host of elves, trumpeters, heralds, Uncle Tom Cobbly and... oh yes, Celeborn.
Slowly (mainly due to the misbehaviour of Pippin's ass) the massive company came into Anorien, then to the Grey Wood where they heard the sound of drumming.
Eomer: Hotdiggitydog, lurv tha' beat.
Aragorn: Bring on the trumpeters and heralds.
Trumpeter: TOOT te TOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOT
Ghan-buri-Ghan: [Somewhere in the forest, looks up from his synthesizer] If dat de ice-cream van, Ghan-buri-Ghan want chocolate cornetto.
Wildman: No, it dem primitives dat wildmen helped. Look through binoculars.
Ghan-buri-Ghan: [Peering through binoculars] Now what? Can't dey leave Ghan-buri-Ghan in peace.
Herald: BEHOLD KING ELESSAR!
Aragorn: Keep it simple. We don't want to confuse them.
Herald: BIG CHIEF STINKY SAY WOOD BELONG WILDMEN FOR EVER. ONLY GHAN-BURI-GHAN CAN SAY WHO COME AND GO!
Odd Narrator: In his hidden part of the forest, Ghan-buri-Ghan grinned, turned up the volume and hit the Drum Roll button.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: After many slow days of travel with the party at last came to Edoras. The morticians of Gondor had wrapped King Theoden's body in some nice thick cloth of gold liberally stuffed with aromatic herbs and lime, but after a few hot August days even loyal Merry was forced to abandoned him and ride with Gandalf.
Aragorn: Are we going to have a wake?
Eomer: What's that?
Aragorn: That's a party where you prop your beloved dead in a chair and drink to his memory through the night.
Eomer: I ain't never heard of a wake before... ain't that unusual!
Frodo: Ummmm.... Aragorn?
Aragorn: Yes Frodo?
Frodo: (softly) Theoden's been dead since Mid-March, right?
Aragorn: Yes, that's right.
Frodo: Don't you think he's probably a little anxious to hit the dirt?
Aragorn: Why do you say that?
Frodo: (motions Aragorn over) (whispers)
Aragorn: Really? I hadn't noticed! Well... in that case perhaps a wake isn't a good idea.
Eomer: We usually have the dinner and drankin' after the funeral, anyway. Folks'll be brangin' all kinds of food in.
Odd Narrator: And thus, after a few days of rest and preparation, Theoden was ready to hit the dirt. A tomb of stone had been built for him, and he was laid on a bier inside with his arms and his most loyal esquire.
Merry: Now hold on just a minute!
Odd Narrator: <snicker>
Aragorn: Ahem! A little decorum, Narrator?
Odd Narrator: Oh sorry, Sire. Where was I? Laid on the bier... and a mound was raised over the tomb...
Sam: You know, this is gosh darned good soil!
Odd Narrator: ... and the mound was covered with grass and evermind.
Gandalf: Sam!
Sam: What?
Gandalf: What are you doing?
Sam: (hiding tater plants) Nothing!
Gandalf: Are you planting taters on the King's mound?
Sam: (blushing) Well... it's good soil!
Gandalf: Well stop fooling around. It's time for the riders to sing.
Riders (singing):
Theoden was a very wise king
Of his deeds we'll forever sing
He went off to battle
Got knocked from his saddle
And that was a very bad thing.
Odd Narrator: Yes the riders sang a rather... ummmm... well... I suppose that was a somewhat stirring song written by Gleowine the King's Minstrel.
Audience: (golf clap)
Gleowine: I just ain't no good at sad songs... I like writin' happy 'uns!
Odd Narrator: But after the song ended, Merry stood at the foot of the mound and wept... and then raised his small lonesome voice in song.
(BadWargMama)
Merry (singing to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Tamborine Man"):
Chorus:
Hey! Mr. Theoden King, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is a place I'll go with you.
Hey! Mr. Theoden King, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.
Though I know that evil empire has returned to the land,
Hope flees from our hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
Though weariness harasses me, I'm a hobbit at your feet,
You have your oath to meet
And the ancient empty town's too dead from weeping.
Chorus
Take me on a trip upon your fancy horse's hip,
My hobbit senses tripped, my hands too small to grip,
My nose too numb to drip, wait only for my bare heels
To be wanderin'.
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to aid
On a Rohan parade, ride your dancing steed my way,
I promise to go upon it.
Chorus
Though nazgul fly laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the moon,
I shall ride with anyone, I'm just singin' my own tune
And but for Dernhelm there are no riders facin'.
And if you think your riding without your next of kin
In your riders all in line, hiding a desp'rate maid of thine,
You shouldn't pay us any mind, it's just a shadow you're
Seein' that we're chasing.
Chorus
Then take me reappearin' through the smoky rings of doom,
By the guiding hands of Ghan, into the hidden gloom,
The haunted, frightened boom, out on Pelennor Field,
Right to the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by orc sea, circled by the evil glee,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.
Chorus
(Idril)
Gandalf: zzzzzzZNORK! [GAPE]
Eomer: [GAPE]
Aragorn: [GAPE]
Gleowine: I wrote that "I love you, you love me" song, you know!
Elves: [GAPE]
Frodo and Sam: [GAPE]
Theoden (from inside the mound): Attare's a damned fine song, Merry. Thankee!
Weepy Women Folk: [GAPE]
Riders: [GAPE]
Small party of goblin-men with protest signs: [GAPE]
[pause]
[Thunderous applause]
Pippin: Woohoo! Good song, Merry. Now let's eat!
Gleowine: That's it! Dag-nabbit, I'm retirin'!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: When the burial was over and the weeping was done, Theoden was at last left alone in the Barrow.
Theoden: And about danged time too by cracky! How's a feller s'posed to git some dadgummed eternal rest with all that hollerin' and sniv'lin' and carryin' on? Now, what's they done gone and put in here with me? Hmm. Let's see... Sword, shield, gold, silver, assorted tokens and rememberer-rememener, rebemre... forget-me-nots... Hey? Whar's mah collections of "Big Uns"? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!
Odd Narrator: (sigh) anyway, when the time came that in the custom of the Mark that they should drink to the memory of the Kings, Eowyn came forth as white as snow and as golden as the... um...
Eomer: Sun.
O. N. : Sun?
Eomer: Sun.
O. N.: Okay, As golden as the sun and bore a filled cup to Eomer.
[enter Minstrel and Loremaster]
M + L: And now Lords and Ladies, I will recite all of the names of the Lords of the Mark... in order.
Merry: (whispers to Pippin) Is this gonna take long, I'm getting hungry.
Pippin: I don't know but...
Gandalf: Shush!
M + L: In the beginning there was Eorl the young, and Eorl begat...
Merry: Oh man.
Gandalf: I said Shush!
(later)
M + L: ... and Thengle begat Theoden and Theoden begat Theodred, but he got kilt, so that don't help none. Theoden's sister did a passle of begattin', bou did she ever! But that is a tale for another time, anywhoo she begat a whole passel o' youngun's includin' Eomer here and seein as how he the Eldest, and th' onlyiest male that looks like his daddy I guess that makes him the new King. THAR'S A NEW SHERRIF IN TOWN!
All: (rising) HOWDY SHERRIFF!
(all at the table lift a shot of "shine", swallow it down and throw their glasses into the fireplace. )
Odd Narrator: At last when the feast drew to an end and all of the shine was ... drunk. Dranken? Drinked?
Eomer: Drunk up!
Odd Narrator: Anyhow, when everyone was good and lit, and all the hornburgers were gone...
Pippin: BURRRRRRRRRP! Oh yeah!
Odd Narrator: (shakes his head) Eomer rose and spoke.
Eomer: Hey. Swalm basht glodden shmear. Feasht o' Theoden. HIC! Oopsh. Shorry. Um... Farrah 'n Ee-oh-wine ish gettin' betroh-betroshe... hitched. An' so's Ah is rejoised. (falls face forward on the table)
Aragorn: Nice work you old dog! How'd you pull that one off?
Merry: (snicker) OW!
Faramir: (whacks Merry upside the head) Well, I did it like this... (whispers in Aragorns ear)
Aragorn: Really? You can actually DO that? I thought all that was made up.
Faramir: Well it helps if you've got... (whisper-whisper)
Aragorn: Oh that doesn't sound all that...
Faramir: Whisper-whisper
Aragorn: DIAMETER!!!!! squeak!
(Silarien)
Eowyn: [Looking into Aragorn's eyes] Kinda turned out fur the best, if'n y'all don't mind me sayin'? Me an' Faramir are, er [patting Faramir on the bum and winking at him] fittin' like.
Aragorn: [Contemplating next spring] Um, yes, well, sheesh. Some guys get all the... I mean I wish you both the best of luck.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: When the feast was over, the folks headed up to Rivendell and Lorien decided it was time to split, and they said namarie to everyone. Arwen said her goodbyes to her brothers with the loogie handshake hug thing, and then went up into the hills with Elrond to say goodbye, and bitter would be their parting, as Elrond was still really ticked off about Arwen choosing mortality and the scruffy King Aragorn over him and everything. Though there were rumors of Elrond picking out a switch, no one saw their last meeting...
Ashley Vainfield: That's what you think buster.
Geraldo Iscareya: High five girl! [high fives Ashley]
Ashley: We have just returned from the secret meeting between Arwen the Queen and Elrond the Elvish guy with the headband.
Geraldo: Exclusive coverage of this bitter parting next on "Inside Middle Earth"
Pippin: Oh MAN! We have to wait for a commercial to find out about the bitter parting?
Sam: What are commercials? Ohh... I want that! Look at that! It says it mows and chops tall grass and large overgrown areas, even bushes... and hey 4 easy payments of $49. 95!
Ashley: We're back here on "Inside Middle Earth" with exclusive coverage of the bitter parting between Arwen and Elrond just outside of Edoras.
Geraldo: Our camera crews followed the pair into the hills just today, look at the close-up... we caught Arwen's mascara running, and Elrond's eyes are positively puffy.
Ashley: Our hidden cameras caught this...
Arwen: OH MY BUTCHER! Stinky hubby o-mine... [nudge] do something!
Aragorn: Whoa! [rubs ribs] What's this? Paparazzi in my Kingdom! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!
Eomer: Uh, Aragorn, I think this is my domain?
Arwen: [pout]
Aragorn: But they're infringing on my wife's privacy... she should be able to tell her dad goodbye without...
Eomer: I know but there's that whole freedom of speech thing and the press is pretty popular here...
Arwen: [whine]
Aragorn: [pointing at Arwen] Do you see that lower lip? A bird could land there? [unsheathes Anduril]
Anduril: WHOO HOO!
Aragorn: It may be peacetime, but this blade will drip with the blood of reporters tonight...
Arwen: [sigh] My hero.
Ashley and Geraldo: WHOAAAA! [both bolt out of sight at top speed]
Aragorn: [picking up video tape] Well, if I can't catch the buggers, this will have to do... go to work Anduril.
Anduril: [hack, chop, slice, pulverize]
Aragorn: I think that should do it.
Arwen: Well, I think those reporters should be punished.
Eomer: Your highness, I shall find them and force them to go without makeup for a month.
Arwen: [pinches Eomer's cheek] Oh, you are such a sweetie... that's perfect. No hair dye either.
Eomer: Yes your highness!
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile as the hobbits were packing up their gear, adding as much food as possible to their packs, Sam giving advice on the best manner to keep things organized, they were approached by Eomer and Eowyn. They pulled Merry aside and squished him several times with great hugs.
Merry: UGH! Okay with the squeezing and the mashing people!
Eowyn: Sorry thar little one... you jus' so cute I can hardly stan' it. Merry, we came to say goodbye... Ride ya'll off tuh the Shire and we's hopin' you be a prosperous halflin', but don't never come back now ya'hear... we wantcha to come a visitin us soon.
Eomer: Kings of old would have given you lots of money, and sparklie shiny valuables, but as Wormtongue took most of the cool stuff, and you bein' so rude as to say no to the deep fry cooker, me and Eowyn here went searchin through the museum here this afternoon. I couldn't find nothin' good but Eowyn is a purty darn good shopper and gotcha somethin' special, she even said it was on sale.
Eowyn: [pushes Eomer] Shhh Brother! Lawks! I am embarrassed now. Well it is purty, and I thought of you when I seen it right there shinin' silver and green, well, here ya go. [hands him a bag with Rider of the Mark Gift shop Symbol on the side, with a little tissue fluffing out the sides. ]
Merry: [takes bag] Awww, Eowyn... or shall we say Dernhelm? You shouldn't have. [unwraps gift inside] Oh, how lovely, umm...
Eowyn: I KNEW you'd like it... it's a kazoo!
Merry: Ahh... a kazoo... very nice craftsmanship too, little horses and runes on the side... Thanks Eowyn [gingerly hugs her].
Eowyn: [gives Merry a big squeeze and jumps back and claps her hands] It be an heirloom to our house, and they say anyone who blows this sucker will scare the crap out of their enemies, and bring joy to their friends... go ahead! Give her a whirl.
Merry: [blush] Uh... well, okay... [buzz, buzz, buzz, BUZZ!]
Odd Narrator: Suddenly Sam, Frodo and Pippin came running, with big grins on their faces, and began laughing.
Pippin: What have you there, Merry? It sounds funny!
Sam: I've never heard such a sound, like a strange buzzing insect.
Frodo: Sounds like a parade in 4th grade. Lemme see it!
Merry: No! It's mine, Eowyn gave it to me... it is my own, my precious.
Frodo: [glare, snatches kazoo] Stop with the stupid ring jokes already. [buzz, buzz, buzz]
Merry: You better watch out there blue eyes... I may have to bite your other finger off... [wrestle, wrestle]
Pippin: OOOH! I want a turn. [yanks it from Frodo's hand holding it behind his back] [buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz]
Merry: Hey, you're getting your slobbery germs on it. Give it back...
Sam: Pip! Over here... keep away, keep away... [kazoo flies over to Sam] [buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz]
Eowyn: See I told you it'd bring yur friends, and lookit, they all like it too. [plucks kazoo from Sam and hands it to Merry] See ya Merry and you funny little hobbits. Hope you can visit me and my honey Faramir sometime.
Merry: Sure, whatever... [buzz, buzz, buzz] [waves]
Verbose Narrator: Immediately subsequent to the extended rites of entombment for the most honoured and honourably slain former monarch of the Rohirrim, the somnolent remnants of the Fellowship of the Ring prepared for their imminent departure in a northerly direction.
Frodo: [YAWN]
Sam: [YAWN]
Merry and Pippin: [DOUBLE YAWN]
Aragorn: [YAWN]
Gandalf: [muttermutter]
Gimli: [SNORE]
Legolas: [nudge]
Gimli: [snrk] Wha-?
Legolas: Time to go.
Verbose Narrator: Legolas the wood-elf prepared himself to fulfill the vow he had made to Gimli son of Gloin several months before on the condition that both elf and dwarf survived the pugnacious conflicts that they had, indeed, successfully withstood.
Legolas: [seductively] Hey, sweet thing. I think I have a promise to fulfill...
Gimli: [whisperwhisper]
Legolas: [not seductively] Oh right, that. That's what I meant. [laughs nervously]
Gimli: You really haven't been yourself since AK passed on, have you?
Legolas: [SOB]
Nonverbose Narrator: Gimli patted Legolas on the... hip comfortingly. Not in a sexual way, it's just that he's too short to reach his shoulder, you know what I mean? Hey, stop looking at me like that! What? WHAT? Weirdo. Back to the story. Sheesh.
Company: trudgetrudgetrudgetrudgetrudgetrudge
Gandalf: You know, we have horses and ponies this time, we don't have to do all the trudging.
Aragorn: Yeah, but we thought it would bring back old memories, you know?
Anduril: [SIGH]
Sting: Tell me about it.
Gandalf: Uh, right.
Moderately Verbose Narrator: At length the company arrived at Helm's Deep, and while they rested for two days, the hobbits frisked naked in the fields, skipping through the Dykes, I mean Dikes, Aragorn and the sons of Elrond went off and did annoyingly immature guy things, Celeborn, Galadriel, Elrond, and Gandalf did some weird immortal-staring-eye-communication thing up on a hill, and Gimli took Legolas to see the Glittering Caves.
Legolas: [GAPE]
Gimli: babble babble babble babble
Legolas: [GAPE]
Gimli: babble babble babble babble babble
Legolas: [SOB]
Gimli: babble babble- what?
Legolas: Huh? Oh, sorry. [GAPE!]
Nonverbose Narrator: Then they moved on.
Company: trudgetrudgetrudgetrudgetrudgetrudge
Merry and Pippin: Look, we're at Isengard! [HIGH FIVE]
Isengard: [GROAN]
Stone Circle: [WHIMPER] We are lost and thrown down!
Garden: Look at me, I'm filled with trees and a pretty river! [GIGGLE]
Orthanc: PUNYMORTALSYOUCANNOTHARMMEISTANDIMPREGNABLEFOREVER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Quickbeam: Shut yo big mouth Orthanc, or I swear to Eru you'll know the reason why!
Treebeard: [seeing the company approaching] Peace, man, it's the little brothahs!
Verbose Narrator: Jubilation abounded at the reuniting of-
Moderately Verbose Narrator: [SMACK]
Verbose Narrator: OW!
Moderately Verbose Narrator: Treebeard was really pleased to see the hobbits again, and nothing can describe the joy he felt at-
Nonverbose Narrator: [SMACK]
Moderately Verbose Narrator: OW!
Nonverbose Narrator: Everyone said hi and Treebeard showed them around. He and Gandalf talked a lot.
(Idril)
Gandalf: Well enough chit-chat! How is Saruman doing?
Treebeard: Hooom hom... (looks at the trees) I'm sure he's just fine.
Merry: Hey! Why are you doing the glancy eye thing?
Treebeard: Shh! Chill little bro.
Gandalf: Well?
Treebeard: Well, me and the bro's cut his electricity, cable, AND DSL, and after that he and Wormtongue were bummin'. Judging from the awful smells coming from the tower I don't think they've ever made popcorn without a microwave before. They got so bored that Saruman actually came out on his balcony and begged me for news. I laid it on him too, but not that flashy Headline News kind. I gave him the good old Cronkite kind with lots of pauses for emphasis. I added a great deal of Paul Harvey commentary too. He didn't think it was too cool, but it was good for him. That dude never did know how to chill.
Gandalf: Does your use of the past tense imply anything that I need to know?
Treebeard: Oh that [glancy eye]... wellllll.
Gandalf: Grrrrrr
Treebeard: Hey, it's cool, it's cool! Since the war's all over with and all, I let the dude go last week. I just ain't into that fascist prison guard scene. Plus, he seemed to have gotten religion. Wormtongue was calling him "Reverend Moon".
Gandalf: Ha! He got to you with his voice, didn't he?
Treebeard: No way, man! [does glancy eye thing]
Gandalf: Hmmmmm?
Treebeard: Alright, alright! So we sold a few flowers for him, big deal! Anyway, I did insist that he fork over the key when he left. I guess those would go back to the King.
Aragorn: zzzzz... huh? Oh, righto!
[Quickbeam forks over the keys]
Aragorn: I must say, I love the landscaping... you all wouldn't mind staying on and keeping up the place for a while, would you?
Treebeard: No, that's cool.
Aragorn: And there's some land West of here that could use some work... you'd be paid in... ummm... I mean there's some land West of here I could lease to you for a very small fee.
Treebeard: Oh, man... that would be groovy, but there's not enough of my peeps for all that. No entings, you know.
Aragorn: Perhaps you could look for the entwives again?
Treebeard: Well we keep thinking we will... but then we drink a little entdraught and then think "maybe tomorrow". Actually, (he looks around and then speaks softly) the entwives always were nagging us about the entdraught. "You put in too many mushrooms!" "That stuff makes you too mellow!" "Where's your ambition?" Man, they were beautiful, but they sure knew how to harsh a groove.
Aragorn: I hear ya. (sigh)
Treebeard: Now I'm not being a good host am I. Does anyone want to crash at my pad tonight? It's only 50 miles from here, and I've got the spa all heated up.
Everyone: <mutter mutter> No thanks, must be moving on <mutter> Very kind of you! <mutter>
Legolas: But Gimli and I would like to cut.... errr... I mean travel through your forest on our way home, wouldn't we Gimli?
Treebeard: That's cool... make yourselves at home.
Nearby bush: [rustle rustle giggle]
Legolas: Gimli!
Nearby bush: [Rut roh! Shhh!]
Legolas: Gimli, what are you doing?
Gimli: (emerging from behind the bush with a considerable amount of red lipstick on his face) What? Here I am! I was just... ermm... admiring the shrubbery.
Nearby bush: [giggle]
Hobbits: [SNORK]
Celeborn: [whimper]
Legolas: (hrmmph) Well it's time to go. You're still going through Fangorn with me, right?
Gimli: Oh yes... Can't wait! <sigh>
Legolas: I'll show you how to identify leaves, Gimli... it'll be fun!
Gimli: Woohoo.
Nearby bush: Bye, sweetie!
(Russ)
Aragorn: Well, looks like this is it.
Gandalf: Yup.
Treebeard: Yup.
Hobbits: Yup.
Galadriel: Yup.
Celeborn: I wanna go with Aragorn.
Galadriel: (whacks Celeborn with her purse)
Celeborn: I mean Yup.
Treebeard: (with a great deal of creaking and cracking, manages to contort himself into a reasonable facsimile of a bow to Galadriel and Celeborn)
Dude, it's been real. Too bad it took so long for you to like tool on out here y'know? But like the man said, these times, these times, they are a-changin'. Manus manum lavat.
Celeborn: E plurbis unum.
Galadriel: No habla ingles. But who knows, perhaps we will meet in the magic kingdom. It is a small world after all.
Pippin: Well big guy...
Treebeard: Aw little Dudes...
Merry: I'm gonna miss you man.
Treebeard: Same here man. Hey, whaddya say, one more drink for old times sake?
Pippin: Well, I am thirsty.
Merry: Yeah Pip, but you always get the munchies after you drink that stuff.
Pippin: Come on Merry.
Merry: Oh all right. But just one and that's it.
Treebeard: Far out man!
Pippin: Here's t' swimmin' wi' bowlegged women!
Treebeard + Merry: Cheers! (all drink)
Treebeard: One more thing man, I made you dudes a little something special. (Hands over a large flat package. )
Pippin: Cool man!
Merry: What is it?
Treebeard: Brownies man! From my own kitchen.
Merry: Far out! Now when Pip gets the muchies he won't want to eat all out rations. These brownies will take care of that.
Treebeard: Ummm... okay. And, um, you remember about the Entwives right?
Merry: No prob. Later man.
Treebeard: Later.
(they leave)
[later near the Gap of Rohan]
Aragorn: Well compadres, (sigh), this is where I get off.
Merry: Snicker!
Pippin: Snort!
Aragorn: Aw, I love you guys! Hugs?
Gandalf: Ahem, well, oh I ah, you see, there's that... and then we have to...
Aragorn: Oh for cryin' out loud, I took a BATH!!!!
Gandalf: Well, of COURSE we'll give you a hug!
(all hug)
Pippin: I wish we all had stones that we could see our friends in and speak to each other when they are far away. Either that or cell phones.
Aragorn: I here ya, but the server for the Palantir at Minas Tirith is still down and the other is mine to see what the serving wen... er, SERVANTS of the King of Gondor are doing. Well I guess that's it. See y...
Pippin: Hey!
Aragorn: Oh yeah, Knight of Gondor, going on leave, blah, blah, blah.
Galadriel: Well Elfstone, you have passed through darkness and come into your hope. Use your days wisely.
Celeborn: Run man! Run like the wind while you still can and don't look back! You can still save yourself! It's not too late... OW!
Galadriel: (grabs Celeborn by the ear and drags him away) Come along dear. Pay him no attention.
Celeborn: Spring time man! You gotta wait for the spring! DON'T LET THEM DO IT TO YOU! RUNNNNNNNNN!!!! MAY YOUR DOOM BE OTHER THAN MINE!
Aragorn: My god, what have I done!
Gandalf: Oh don't worry. I'm sure things will be better for you and Arwen than for those two.
Aragorn: Spring Gandalf. SPRING!
Gandalf: Yeah I know, but what are you gonna do? Well good luck and good riding!
Aragorn: maybe I could go with you a little...
Gandalf: Cheerio and sayonara!
Aragorn: Just a few more...
Gandalf: Chow, aloha and hasta la bye-bye. In short, SCRAM!
Odd Narrator: And with that they parted, and it was the time of the sunset, and they turned and looked back and they saw the King Of the West sitting upon his horse, head bowed, shoulders slumped. Looking for all the world like a whipped pup.
Gandalf: Poor S. O. B. , he never saw it coming. Oh well, better him than me.
Odd Narrator: And so the dwindling company passed through the gap of Rohan and into the wastelands beyond, then north into Dunland. The Dunlandings had fled and hid themselves, for they had heard of Galadriel and everyone was afraid to piss her off, not the least of which was Celeborn, though his path and hers still lay together, much to his dismay.
Galadriel: Celeborn! Did you wash my purple blouse?
Celeborn: Yes dear.
Galadriel: Did you use starch? I hate starch! You didn't use starch did you?
Celeborn: No dear.
Galadriel: Have you emptied the bucket yet? You know which bucket I mean, the privy pail, have you emptied it yet? You know I can't go in the bushes. Celeborn! Are you listening to me? Celeborn!
Celeborn: Yes Dear.
Galadriel: Yes Dear what?
Celeborn: Yes dear I emptied the privy pail.
Galadriel: Good. Because I'm going to check you know and if I find that...
Merry: Man, the poor guy!
Pippin: He must have done something pretty bad in a past life to deserve this.
Gandalf: Hush! She'll hear you! And elves don't have past lives, just the one.
Merry: You mean this isn't some kind of punishment?
Gandalf: No, now be quiet!
Galadriel: You got something to say greybeard?
Gandalf: No Maam.
Galadriel: I didn't think so. But I'm keeping an eye on you just the same.
Gandalf: Yes Maam.
Galadriel: Now, where did that good-for-nothing husband of mine get off to? Celeborn! CELEBORNNNNNN!
Odd Narrator: For six long, grueling days they traveled together until at length, as they passed out of some woods at the feet of the Misty Mountains and out into open country, they came upon an old man leaning on a staff and clad in grey or dirty white clothes and behind him followed another beggar, slouching and whining.
Gandalf: Pssst, Saruman.
Saruman: Well, if it isn't Gandalf. My so-called friend. What are you doing? Following me?
Gandalf: No, look, you've got to get out...
Saruman: Still giving orders eh Gandalf? Gandalf the White! Gandalf the Magnificent! Oooo! Big Man!
Gandalf: No! Now listen to me, you have to lea...
Galadriel: I recognize that voice!
Saruman: Holy shi...
Gandalf: That's what I was trying to tell you! It's Galadriel, SHE'S with us!
Saruman: Hide me Gandalf! I'll do anything! I'll turn over a new leaf! I'll comb the crumbs out of your beard, ANYTHING! Only just PLEASE don't let her find me!
Galadriel: Saruman? is that You?
Gandalf: Too late, I tried to warn you...
Galadriel: Saruman! What are you doing here? How come you left Orthanc? Did I say you could leave Orthanc? Did I? And just where do you think you are going? Not to Lorien I can tell you that! If you think you are going to...
Saruman: Gandalf...
Galadriel: Gandalf? GANDALF?!? What do you think HE'S going to do? Hmmm? Gandalf? Do you have anything to say?
Gandalf: No Maam.
Galadriel: I didn't think so!
Merry: Snicker!
Pippin: Snort!
Galadriel: Did you two have something to say?
Pippin and Merry: (quickly look at their shoes) No Maam.
Pippin: Hey, isn't that Celeborn? Over there with the starch?
Galadriel: STARCH?!?!? Where? Celeborn! CELEBORN!!! Wait till I get my hands on that no good, good for nothing...
[exits]
Gandalf: That's thinking on your feet Pip! Nice work!
Pippin: Well I AM a Knight of Gondor after all!
Saruman: A Knight of Gondor eh? And I suppose you think that makes you better than me?
Pippin: Well... Yes actually, I do.
Gandalf: Look Saruman, why don't you travel with us. Galadriel will be leaving soon, but until then, well you know what they say, there's safety in numbers.
Saruman: You gotta be kidding me! Travel with that? Not for an hour or a minute! I may not have much left to call my own, but my cajones are still intact and I'll just keep them right where they are, thank you very much! If you eunuchs want to go with her that's fine by me, but leave me out of it!
Gandalf: Suit yourself.
Saruman: C'mon Wormtongue, get up! (delivers a swift boot to Grima's backside) We're outta here! Move it or no supper!
Grima: Poor old Grima! Nasssty cruel Saruman! He beats us and kickses us he does!! Wicked Master! We hates him! We hates him forever!
Gandalf: Then leave him and come with us.
Grima: Really? You mean...
Galadriel: (off camera) CELEBORRRRRN! Where are you!
Grima: Um, on second thought, I'll go with Saruman.
Celeborn: (head pokes out from under a wagon) Pssst! Saruman! Got room for a third?
Pippin: Dude! Get down!
Saruman: Oh sure, take pity on the Elf Lord, but for poor old Saruman you have nothing to say? Not even the offer of a pipe of tobacco?
Frodo: Get a job!
Merry: You can have mine, what's left of it. It's part of the flotsam of Isengard.
Saruman: Mine! Mine! Give it up!
Merry: Relax! It'll just take a second for me to dig it...
Galadriel: CELEBORN! I can hear you breathing! Don't think you can hide from me forever!
Saruman: Uh, on second thought You can keep it. You're gonna need it when you get home anyway. Long may the Shire be short of leaf! Come on Wormtongue, let's get clear of this place before she comes back!
[exits]
Merry: What a loser!
Pippin: Yeah, but I think he's got some sense about him still.
Sam: I heard that. I'd rather be waylaid, wounded and orc-dragged through Rohan than to be in poor old Celeborn's shoes.
Pippin: That goes double for me! And I have been!
Sam: Still, that bit about the short of leaf and the "you're gonna need it" crack worries me. It's time we were getting home.
Frodo: You're right about that, but we can't go any faster. I still want to drop by Rivendell. I just want to thank Uncle Bilbo for leaving his ring to me.
Gandalf: That shouldn't be a problem. I mean it's not like he has any power left anyway. My keen wizard senses tell me that the Shire and Southfarthing will be just fine! And you know how sharp they are!
Pippin: Dude, we better hurry!
Merry: Got that right!
Galadriel: CELEBORN!
Celeborn: Sigh.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: The next day they entered northern Dunland. It was a lovely and green country, but for some reason no one lived there.
Merry: Marketing. That's all it needs. Proper marketing.
Odd Narrator: It was now September, and the travelers took their time in their travels, traveling where few now traveled. They crossed over the Swanfleet river and into Eregion, and looking up one morning they saw three peaks that thrust up...
Pippin: [snicker] He said...
Odd Narrator: Yes, yes, everyone heard what I said! Now you made me lose my place... erm... up into the sky: Caradhras, Celebdil, and Fanuidhol. Which meant that...
Merry: Yikes! We're near Moria!
Pippin: Puh-LEEZE tell me no one wants to go back there for old time's sake! (looks around at everyone shaking their heads) Whew!
Gandalf: Are you sure? I could tell the Tale of the Balrog again!
Pippin: [groan] Not the Balrog story again...
Gandalf: Ooh, ooh! If we go there I could perform a reenactment!
Frodo: Um, Gandalf? Is that schmutz on your robes?
Gandalf: What? Where?
Frodo: You know, even Galadriel's gown is looking whiter than your robes these days. Maybe you should see if Celeborn will give you his secret.
Gandalf: Good thinking, my lad. I'll do just that! [goes off to find Celeborn]
Hobbits: Whew!
Odd Narrator: They stayed in this place for seven days, for soon was to come another parting that they were loth to make. Soon Celeborn and Galadriel would turn east...
Pippin: Psssst!
Odd Narrator: What is it?
Pippin: (whispers) What does "loth" mean?
Odd Narrator: Um... reluctant, or unwilling.
Pippin: So you're saying we're "reluctant" to part from You-Know-Who?
Odd Narrator: Well... yes.
Pippin: (laughs hysterically) As if! Hey, Merry, get a load of this! (whispers to Merry)
Merry: [SNORK!] As if!
Pippin: Ha! That's what I said!
Galadriel: (from off-camera) And just what are you two on about?
Merry and Pippin: Nothing, Ma'am. [snicker, snicker]
Celeborn: (peers around a tent flap, whispers) Besides, that isn't why we tarried for seven days.
Odd Narrator: It isn't?
Celeborn: Not really. See, she says it's because she wants to stay and talk to Elrond and Gandalf, but really, it's because she's (glances around fearfully)... indisposed. She hates traveling when she's... well... you know.
Odd Narrator: Indisposed.
[Celeborn nods vigorously]
Pippin: Indisposed? But she's always indisposed!
Merry: No, Pip. He means (whispers) female problems.
Pippin: Oh! Ew.
Galadriel: What are you all talking about over here? Did I hear Celeborn? CELEBORRNNN! I want to have a council with Gandalf and Elrond tonight!
Celeborn: (still behind tent flap, rolls eyes) Yes, dear.
Galadriel: But after the little ones are sleeping, as usual. Because honestly, their little minds just aren't up to it.
[The hobbits all look at each other and roll their eyes]
Galadriel: I heard that!
Odd Narrator: Often Galadriel and Celeborn would sit with Elrond and Gandalf, long after the hobbits were asleep. They wouldn't move or speak, but would communicate with their minds.
Celeborn: (from the corner of his mouth) Dear, can I move now?
Galadriel: Sh! I'm trying to talk to Elrond.
Celeborn: (thinks) Heartless old bi-
Galadriel: (silently) I heard that! (glares at Celeborn)
Celeborn: (silently) Yes, dear. Sorry, dear. (sigh)
Galadriel: (silently) Did you just think a sigh? You can't THINK a sigh!
Elrond: (silently) Actually, I think...
Galadriel: (silently) Did I tell you you could think? (glares at Elrond)
Elrond: (silently) No, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am.
Elrond, Celeborn and Gandalf: (silently) (Sigh!)
Galadriel: Oh, you men are impossible. I'm going to go find some chocolate! (storms off)
Elrond: Well, at least you packed chocolate. Should fix her right up.
Celeborn: My friend, there isn't enough chocolate in the world to fix HER up.
All three: (Sigh!)
Odd Narrator: But finally all was said, and You-Know-Who wasn't quite so indisposed anymore...
Entire Company: (silently) As if!
Galadriel: Grrr! (mutters) I just KNEW I should have taken the Ring when I had the chance!
Odd Narrator: ... and the people of Lorien headed for the Redhorn Gate and eventually, their own country. Those who were going on to Rivendell sat on a hill and watched. There was a flash of light as Galadriel held her ring aloft in some sort of indistinct gesture, and then they vanished into the mist.
Gandalf: Finally.
Elrond: Heard that.
Frodo, Merry and Pippin: Amen!
Sam: (sigh) I wish I was going to Lorien, too.
[All stare at him in disbelief]
Sam: (grins) PSYCHE!
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: Soon the company reached the outskirts of Rivendell. Far below they could see strobe lights pulsating and the bass beat thumping. Rivendell's very own DJ Jazzy Nermifin was workin' the turn table, while the distinct smell of strawberries floated across the valley as they approached Elrond's house.
Pippin: I'm about to loose my mind, up in here, up in here.
Merry: Dude, I SO feel like jumpin' around!!
Elrond: Oh, how wonderful it was of you all to organize a party in celebration of my return. This reminds me of a time not long ago when...
[Roughly three hours later... ]
Elrond: And that was how I found out that the murderer was none other than the town's drunk. [looks around] Hey! Where'd everybody go??
Odd Narrator: The party was still going on when the hobbits made their way to Bilbo's room. When they arrived, they were horrified at what they saw. Pens and papers were strewn everywhere, and pinups of scantily clad elf maidens hung on all the walls.
Frodo: Uncle Bilbo, why aren't you out shakin' your groove thing? There's a lot of real elf maidens out there just waitin' for you to lay on the ol' Bilbo charm.
Bilbo: My poor dear Frodo, I'm sorry to say this but it turns out that as the ring's power over me diminished, I am no longer the pimp daddy of Rivendell.
Hobbits: GASP!!!
Sam: It's like my gaffer used to say... ahem... "The old, grey mare she ain't what she used to be. "
Frodo: Bu.. bu.. but, you can't have lost all your charisma! Say it isn't so! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Merry: Geez, what's his problem?
Pippin: With no introductions from Bilbo, he's doomed be a...
Sam: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!
Merry: Neigh!
Pippin: Virgin forever.
Frodo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Bilbo: So... let's jump into some of my birthday cake, shall we!
Pippin: Mmmmmmmm... CAKE! I'm so there!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Nearly a fortnight went by, and though Frodo had practiced many one liners, various jokes and even slipped drugs into Elvish Maiden's drinks, he had not as of yet... um... scored.
Frodo: Shut up. [pout]
Sam: Huh?
Frodo: Not you. [sigh] I was thinking about the Shire today Sam.
Sam: Really? 'Cause you know Mister Frodo, I have the bags all packed up, and I was getting a little bit anxious to see my gaffer you know...
Frodo: [snork] Yeah right... who? Gaffer Cotton?
Sam: [blush]
Frodo: I was really lingering because I wanted to return a man.
Sam: A man? Why would you want to be a stinky man?
Frodo: [nudge] No, you know, sow my oats...
Sam: [blank stare]
Frodo: Roll in the hay...
Sam: [blank stare]
Frodo: [whisper, whisper]
Sam: Oh... [blush] Well, you know, Rivendell does have its qualities. As we may be staying here for quite some time, I'll just list them off: Lots of water, lovely trees, various varieties of interesting plants, lots of delicious food, some great parties, good rooms, comfortable beds...
Frodo: [sigh]
Sam: Oh... uh... well... something of everything... mountains, meadows...
Frodo: [sigh] Everything except the Sea... Oh the Sea... the Sea... how the seagulls call...
Sam: Legolas was talking to you too much on that journey...
Frodo: The Sea... the Sea... how the salty air...
Sam: So, are we headed home, or waiting for that one night of passion to arrive?
Frodo: Naw, we best be heading home. I'll go break the bad news to Elrond. [hums a little as he walks off] The Sea... the Sea... maybe I'll score on the other shore...
Odd Narrator: So Frodo went up to Elrond's study and knocked on the door.
Elrond's Secretary Pat: Come in.
Frodo: Oh hi... I wanted to see Elrond?
Pat: Do you have an appointment?
Frodo: Uh, no... it's about...
Pat: Well, you have to have an appointment, he's a very busy elf.
Frodo: I realize that, but it is sort of important...
Pat: [looking over her calendar] I don't know, he is rather booked today... who did you say you were again.
Frodo: Uh, Frodo... Frodo Baggins, of the Shire...
Pat: Frodo Baggins... hmmm, not even in the Rolodex... what was this regarding, I could leave a message.
Frodo: I'm not in his Rolodex?
Pat: Um, no, was there some reason you should be... have you had any impact on Elvish life whatsoever?
Frodo: Duh... lady, I got my finger bit off to save the world, and send all you folks off to the Gray Havens... isn't that impactful enough?
Pat: Well, it has to have a deep impact...
Frodo: No, that was a different movie, I need to talk to Elrond...
Pat: Don't get snappy with me little man...
Frodo: I AM NOT A MAN... I PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE A MAN... BUT YOU HAD BETTER GET ME ELROND OR I'LL RIP OUT ALL THAT MANE OF ANDROGYNOUS HAIR...
Elrond: [looks out of his study] Oh hi Frodo... come on in... Pat, you need to relax a little.
Pat: Humph.
Elrond: Frodo, I summoned you here to my office to discuss with you the slight problem of our food supply...
Frodo: You summoned me? Your secretary there said...
Elrond: No, no, it was a mind meld thing... I summoned you, she just is there to keep the telemarketers at bay, and she does an excellent job.
Frodo: Are you sure she's a she and not a he?
Elrond: Quite, I checked.
Frodo: Well, good, I was getting kinda creeped out there... so you summoned me about the food supply, which means we are dipping too deep into your larders? I guess that means it's time to go?
Elrond: Well, yes, but I wanted to tell you this really great story about Bilbo and this one time that he ate all the food at this party back in 30 ought 5. It'll only take a minute.
Frodo: [rolls eyes] [fake smile] Sure.
[2 hours later]
Frodo: Okay then, we should be packing... I'll catch ya in the morning... great story... [runs out of the door]
Odd Narrator: So Frodo escaped Elrond's den, and the Hobbits went to say goodbye to Bilbo.
Pippin: It's kinda late, do you think he'll be up?
Merry: It's only 5:30.
Pippin: I know, but he always goes to bed after Jeopardy.
Sam: Who are you kiddin, he nods off after Sesame Street.
Frodo: [snicker] Bilbo? You awake?
Bilbo: [snork, snark] Oh sure, come on in.
Frodo: We just came to say goodbye, we're heading out in the morning for the Shire.
Bilbo: Well, I'll miss you, but hey, more food for me.
Pippin: Actually they're rationing now... but you should get an extra slice of cheese once we're gone.
Bilbo: [yawn] Whatever, Here Frodo, I have a mithril coat and a really cool singing sword named Sting to give you... uh... where did I put them?
Frodo: Oh just over here... [whips out Sting and pulls up shirt] Thanks. I really like how the coat fits, it's comfy.
Bilbo: Oh, good it looks nice on your hairless chest, probably good that you have it, my chest hairs were always getting stuck and ripping out... well, that's a story for another day. Here's some books to take home with you. And Sam this is for you. [holds out bag]
Sam: Oh, Bilbo... thanks [looks in bag] what is it?
Bilbo: Oh just something I can't use anymore, may come in handy if you think of getting laid... um... married...
Sam: [blush]
Pippin: [peeking] Ohh... Trojan... best brand... [nudge, nudge]
Sam: [double blush]
Merry: Are they large or extra large?
Sam: [deep, double crimson blush]
Frodo: Hobbit size... if they're Bilbo's... he must have heard big things about you Sam if he is giving you those...
Sam: [deep, purple, double crimson to the roots of his hair blush]
Bilbo: Oh Frodo, don't go teasing Sam... I'd a givin them to you if I thought you would need them before their expiration date... [snicker]
Frodo: [pout]
Merry: [snicker]
Pippin: [snork]
Bilbo: [snerf] Use them well Sam, don't go having 13 kids or anything.
Sam: [mumble, blush, mutter, blush, blushidie, blush, blush, blush]
Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Bilbo: BWHAHAHAHHAAA!
Bilbo: Here's some money too Sam, just in case she likes to shop. As for you two rascals [looking at Merry and Pippin] Sorry, I gave all the good stuff away...
Pippin: AWWWW...
Merry: [nudge] That's okay...
Bilbo: I'll just give you some good advice... now don't be getting into trouble... and don't be stealin from Farmer Maggot if you head in on a windy day... and don't... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Pippin: Should we wake him?
Merry: Let's wait a few minutes, then we'll pretend he spoke for an hour, and nod and we're out of here.
(Russ)
Merry: Is he breathing?
Pippin: I dunno. Sam?
Sam: I thinks so but, I dunno.
Pippin: Go have a look Merry.
Merry: Me? You do it!
Pippin: Uh-uh.
Merry: Well somebody should. Frodo?
Frodo:
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Staring at the... Huh?
Merry: Bilbo, we think he's dead.
Sam: Well that's just great! NOW who's gonna write our story!
Frodo: Sam!
Pippin: That was awful! Um, just for that, you have to go check!
Sam: Oh whatever. Anything if it'll get us out of here quicker.
[crosses to Bilbo, leans over the bed, Bilbo opens one eye and with a wicked grin... ]
(muffled) Brrrrrrap!
Sam: Ruh-roh!
Pippin: Ewwww!
Merry: Quick! Get out!
Frodo: I'm trying but the doors stuck!
Bilbo: It's locked!
Sam: We're (Cough, Sputter, Choke), gonna die!
Bilbo: Hee-hee!
Merry: (pounding on the door) HELP! HELP! SOMEONE LET US OUT!
(sound of someone fumbling with keys on the other side of the door)
Elf Voice: Half a Minute! What's wrong?
Merry: Old Bilbo...
Pippin: Merry don't...
Merry: ... broke wind!
(jangling sound stops)
Pippin: Awww Man!
Bilbo: That'll learn ya you young whelps!
Elf Voice: Que?
Merry: Um, um, I said...
Elf Voice: Er... No Elf aqui.
Merry: (Resumes pounding) Please! Please! You have to let us out!
Elf Voice: Yo no sprechenzie. Ciao.
Sam: Ack. (faints)
Merry: No, no, not now, not like this... (collapses)
Bilbo: That'll learn ya! The Old man still has one or two tricks up his sleeve.
Frodo: Odd. I don't smell anything.
Pippin: Dude, you are so... (eyes roll back and he drops to the floor)
Frodo: (smiles) Well, whaddya know!
Bilbo: It's the ring. Same thing happened to me. I just needed to get us two a moment alone.
Frodo: Alright Unc, so what's up?
Bilbo: Well, I know about your little problem.
Frodo: Um, problem? I don't have any problem, nope not me, feelin' fine, fit as a fiddle! Yep, picture of health, that's me.
Bilbo: Come here. (Frodo leans in) Closer. Closer. Good. (Bilbo holds hand up, inches away from Frodo's face. ) Now, look at the palm of my hand. See it?
Frodo: Yeah... but...
Whack!
(Bilbo pops Frodo on the forehead)
Frodo: Hey!
Bilbo: That's for lyin' to me! Now I know all about what's been goin' on and you haven't been gettin' any.
Frodo: Well I wouldn't say...
Whack!
Frodo: Ow! Would you cut it out! (steps back out of arms reach)
Bilbo: Quit your fibbin' then! I'm an old man and I ain't got time for all this!
Frodo: (mutters)Not old enough.
Bilbo: What?
Frodo; Oh, nothing. all right then, so I've been having a little bit of difficulty with the ladies. It's just a slump, I'll work out of it.
Bilbo: Before you can have a slump, first you have to get up to bat and boy, you ain't even made it on deck!
Frodo: Sigh. Okay. So what am I doing wrong?
Bilbo: Well, first thing is ya gotta quit all this mopin' around! Chicks don't like that!
Frodo: I was working the sympathy angle, you know... Sigh, I'm so depressed...
Bilbo: Well cut it out, that only works if your a dog and you have big round puppy ey... well it only works if your a dog.
Frodo: Okay. then what?
Bilbo: Next, ditch all that sensitive guy stuff. It's all a waste of time.
Frodo: But they all say...
Bilbo: Yeah well they all lie. Unless your rich or a big star like Billy Crystal or Alan Alda...
Frodo: Who?
Bilbo: Alan Alda, he was a big... nevermind that, the point is, if you want to score with the ladies, you have to be three things:
1. Self confident, but not to the point of arrogance.
2. Funny, Gotta make 'em laugh.
3. And this is the most important one, no matter how horny you are, no matter how badly you want it, no matter desparate you may be, never, ever let 'em know it. Once they get the smell of blood you'll be buyin' 'em drinks all night and goin' home alone. Make 'em think they're the ones who are gettin' you and you'll be in like flint!
4. Next,
Frodo: But you said there were only three?
Bilbo: Well there's four. NEXT, They like the bad boys. In the Luv marathon, nice guys finish last. Don't be mean, just don't be too nice. There's plenty of time for nice afterward if you take my meaning. And a little aura of danger about you might not hurt neither...
Frodo: Um, that would make five...
Bilbo: I'm just tryin' to help, but if you don't want to listen...
Frodo: No, no, go ahead, please.
Bilbo: You went all the way to MORDOR man! Let 'em know it! Puff out that chest! Put a little swagger in that step! Hey, you're somebody!
Frodo: Yeah. YEAH! By God I'll do it!
Bilbo: That's the spirit! Now go out there, put your feet up on the bar and work that old Baggin's magic for all it's worth! This family's gotta reputation to up hold! And if all else fails, get 'em drunk. that's what I did.
Frodo: Okay Unc, I'll make you proud.
Bilbo: Damn straight. Looks like they're coming around... Ahem, And so My dear Frodo lad, you take the books and my notes and finish the story. Sam can help you. When you're done, (yawn), you can... bring them... back... here... to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Idril)
[Scene: late at night in Frodo's bedroom]
Elvish Maiden: Oh Frodo! You're sooooo... ooooh!
Frodo: Shhh... we don't want to wake people up.
Elvish Maiden: (softly) But I can't help it... I've never felt like this before!
Frodo: Me neither... oh yeah.
Elvish Maiden: I'm so glad you decided to put me on.
Frodo: What?
Elvish Maiden: You know, you didn't want to for so long... even after all we went through together.
Frodo: Wait a minute!
Elvish Maiden: (singing) What if god was one of us?
Frodo: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Deb: Hey wake up!. You're having another bad dream.
Frodo: What? Oh, thank goodness... that was horrible. I'm afraid to go to sleep anymore.
Deb: What was so horrible?
Frodo: Ummmm... well...
Deb: Come on, snuggle up and tell. You'll feel better.
Frodo: Well there was this elvish girl... and we were, ummmm... you know... and then it turned out not to be an elvish girl... it was really the stupid ring.
Deb: Dreaming about beautiful elvish girls and your precioussss, huh? I should be jealous. But I do wonder... with all the beautiful elf maidens in this place, why on earth are you here with me?
Frodo: Why shouldn't I be here with you?
Deb: You're a hero and all famous and sh... stuff. And I'm a nobody and as ugly as sin.
Frodo: You're not a nobody, you're very much a somebody. And I don't think you're ugly. Way too young for me -- yes. Ugly -- no.
Deb: I am not too young for you.
Frodo: How old are you anyway?
Deb: Old enough to know how to do this.
Frodo: <squeak> Alright, alright, you're not too young! Now stop... we were talking.
Deb: I'm beginning to think you like talking more than... this.
Frodo: Stop now, I'm trying to be serious. You shouldn't call yourself ugly.
Deb: Oh please... the elves almost didn't take in my Mother in because of me. She broke her leg and I couldn't get it set right, and we were camped out in the middle of nowhere and totally out of food. The patrol that found us took one look at me and came this close to just leaving us out there.
Frodo: You shouldn't take that personally. I don't think the elves can help it.... they're practically hardwired to hate orcs. Even very sweet girls who have just have a dab of goblin blood.
Deb: More than a dab, I think! Anyway, I guess I'm hardwired too. I don't like elves much either. It's weird though... even though I still think they're high-handed and snooty, I don't have that gut reaction against them anymore. Not since... well not since the end of the war.
Frodo: They tell me that all the true orcs went mad when the Dark Lord was destroyed. Gimli said that they just ran around aimlessly until they dropped dead.
Deb: The men we were traveling with went mad too. They didn't drop dead (a pity), but they did run off without their packs and never came back I was glad. Mom said we'd be safer traveling with them, but I didn't think our bedrolls needed that much protection, if you get my drift. I'd been trying to figure out a sneaky way to kill them since we left Dunland.
Frodo: Were they mostly orc?
Deb: Who can tell these days? With all of Saruman's meddling and breeding, most of us have no idea what we are. Those guys were tough and mean, but I guess they weren't tough enough and mean enough to meet Sharku's standards.
Frodo: You and your Mother were lucky to make it this far on your own. We travelled the same path, but we had a large party.
Deb: Our traveling was all pretty much for nothing, too. There's no way we can make a living up here... nobody wants refugees. We hear that things are settling down back home, and Mom wants us to go back as soon as she's able to travel again.
Frodo: You could come with me to the Shire, instead.
Deb: Riiiiight. Now that's a genius idea. The hobbits would just love me. Your cousins look at me like I'm a bug.
Frodo: Well they had some bad experiences....
Deb: And Sam just presses his lips together, shakes his head a little, and says "Whatever makes Mr. Frodo happy is fine by me"... like every single time he sees me.
Frodo: Well Sam is... Oh, you're right. Most of my neighbors and relatives are even more stodgy than that. I feel bad though, what will happen to you?
Deb: Oh we'll be fine. We're pretty tough and mean ourselves. And I'll be famous... the ringbearer's first!
Frodo: Oh please!
Deb: Are you blushing?
Frodo: I think so.
Deb: Ha... made ya blush.
Frodo: Believe me, that's not a huge achievement.
[pause]
Deb: Frodo?
Frodo: What?
Deb: You didn't answer before. Why me?
Frodo: Umm... well... it's like all my life I've felt like a square peg. I've never really fit in or truly belonged. And now it's even worse. With you it's like... hard to say...
Deb: [snicker]
Frodo: What?
Deb: It's like you finally found a girl with a square hole?
Frodo: [SNORK] You are so crude!
Deb: Yup! (sings into his ear)
You don't care that I'm just a... punk girl doin' it funky.
You don't care that I'm just a... punk girl, doin' it.
You don't care that I'm just a... punk girl, doin' it funky.
You don't care that I'm just a...
Frodo: [laughing] Oh dear, sultry singing punk goblin girls... Saruman has a lot to answer for!
Deb: [giggles] Maybe you'd like this one better:
All through the night
I'll be awake and I'll be with you
all through the night
this precious time when time is new
oh, all through the night today
knowing that we feel the same without saying
we have no past we won't reach back
keep with me forward all through the night
and once we start the meter clicks
and it goes running all through the night
until it ends there is no end
Oh the sleep in your eyes is enough
let me be there let me stay there awhile
we have no past we won't reach back
keep with me forward all through the night
and once we start the meter clicks
and it goes running all through the night
until it ends there is no end
[Frodo falls into a peaceful slumber]
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: The next morning Gandalf and the hobbits took leave of Bilbo in his room...
Gandalf: Hold on, hold on! Someone's missing.
Odd Narrator: What do you mean?
Gandalf: One, two, three... there's only three hobbits here. Where's the other one?
Merry: Well, I'm here.
Pippin: And I'm here!
Merry: That's debatable.
Pippin: [sticks his tongue out]
Sam: It's Mr. Frodo we're missin'. Where could he have got to? (leans his head out the door, yells) Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo!
Merry and Pippin: (calling loudly) Frodo! Fro-o-do-o!
Bilbo: Oh, that's quite enough. I have neighbors, you know!
Sam, Merry and Pippin: (contritely) Sorry.
[Suddenly Frodo bursts into the room, red-faced and panting]
Frodo: S-sorry! (gasp) Missed my cue. (pant, pant) Was... busy. Where are we?
Bilbo: (amused) You're supposed to be saying good-bye to me.
Sam: (staring at Frodo) Um... Mr. Frodo? Your shirt is on inside-out.
Frodo: What? Oh! (laughs) I got dressed in the dark.
Pippin: (whispers to Merry) Isn't that what he was wearing yesterday?
Merry: Yup. [snicker]
Pippin: [snork!]
Frodo: (arches an eyebrow) You lads have something to say to me?
Merry: Um... nope.
Pippin: Not a thing.
Frodo: All right then. Well... Good-bye, Uncle Bilbo! (gives Bilbo a hug) And thanks... for EVERYthing. (turns away from Bilbo with his hand behind his back and Bilbo gives him a surreptitious low five)
[Everyone stares at Frodo as Bilbo looks on, grinning]
Frodo: What? What?!
Three Hobbits: mutter, nothing, mumble, mutter...
Gandalf: (looking from Bilbo to Frodo with arched eyebrow) Well. Ahem. Apparently it really is true that not even the wise can...
Everyone Else: see all ends!
Bilbo: Yada, yada, yada. Gandalf, you really are getting repetitive in your old age. Now, everyone, get outta here! You're starting to cut into my nap time.
Everyone: Good-bye! Good-bye!
[They leave Bilbo's room and head down the hall]
Sam: (quietly, to Frodo) Is there anything you want to tell me, sir?
Frodo: Such as?
Sam: Well, you know, I saw you talking to that...
Frodo: Watch it...
Sam: ... person last night...
Frodo: Yes. So?
Sam: Did you... ? I mean, you know... ?
Frodo: All right, since you asked: yes, Sam. Yes I did.
Sam: (loudly) You DID??
Pippin and Merry: [snicker, snicker]
Frodo: (to Merry and Pippin) Will you two grow up!
Pippin: Don't you think we're tall enough already?
Merry: Good one, Pip!
Frodo: (shakes head) They're hopeless. You okay, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, sure. I just, I mean... I was wondering...
Frodo: What is it, Sam? You know you can ask me anything.
Sam: (in a rush) I was just wondering if... if you might have any pointers for... you know...
Frodo: (laughs affectionately) Sure, Sam. Just... be yourself.
Sam: Really?
Frodo: Really.
Sam: (brightens) I can do that!
Odd Narrator: Uh... uh... er...
Frodo: And what is YOUR problem?
Odd Narrator: (shakes head vigorously) Uh, sorry. Stunned speechless there for a sec.
Frodo: (rolls eyes) Oh, get a life, will ya?
Odd Narrator: Whoa. Anyway... Gandalf and the hobbits said farewell to Elrond and his household.
Hobbits: Good-bye!
Elrond's Household: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye!
[Frodo looks up at a window as the curtain is pulled back slightly by an unseen hand. He smiles and waves, throwing a last kiss upward]
Gandalf: (quietly to Frodo) An interesting choice, my lad. But I think I know why you chose her.
Frodo: What do you mean?
Gandalf: You share your uncle's ability to get past the exterior to what's real, what's important. I think it's true now even more so than before.
Frodo: Really? Wow. Thanks, Gandalf.
Elrond: (to Frodo) Ahem. I hear you got in a little practice for your journey West, last night.
Frodo: Jeez, news travels fast!
Elrond: Well, it is my house. Ah, it brings to mind my own first...
Frodo: Whoa, whoa! Just whoa there a second, big fella! We are definitely in the vicinity of Too Much Information, okay?
Elrond: (disappointed) Aw, I was going to tell you the tale of my...
Frodo: Again with the Whoa!
Elrond: (sigh) All right. Well, you needn't come back to visit Bilbo again. He and I will be headed your way around this time of year, so look for us in the woods of the Shire. I know he's looking forward to the restorative powers of Valinor.
Frodo: (puzzled) Restorative powers...? (eyes widen) You mean...
Elrond: Yep. You two will be quite a diversion for the elven maids over there.
Frodo: Wow. (knees buckle slightly) Um... why can't we go now?
Elrond: Things to do, Frodo, things to do. Can't go until it's all finished up. Three more chapters to go, you know.
Frodo: (groans) Aw, man...
Elrond: Buck up, Frodo. After all, there's still hobbit lasses in the Shire!
Frodo: (brightening) That's right! Come on everybody! What are you waiting for?
[With a last wave at the window, Frodo takes off running as everyone stares after him. Merry and Pippin grin at each other, Sam smiles affectionately, and they follow him away from Rivendell. ]