(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Gloom hung over Gondor. People mumbled to one another that it was a misfortune to lose one ruler, careless to lose two, but with a third one gone towards certain death, the doom of the hapless city was surely at hand. A massive trade started in black plastic cats, shamrock and lucky horse shoes. The lucky horse, Imelda, had managed to avoid going to battle because she was a bit lame. Meanwhile, in the Houses of Healing ...
Eowyn: NURSE! Bring me some clothes.
Nurse: But you're down for complete bed rest.
Eowyn: Ah don't care. Ah want some clothes.
Nurse: Now then, dear. Why don't you just settle down, like a good girl?
Eowyn: Are yer gonna git me some clothes NOW or do ah have to slap yer round the r*ddy head first?
Odd Narrator: The nurse looked at Eowyn clenching her hand, and decided to fetch her some clothes.
Eowyn: What the heck's them?
Nurse: Knickers.
Eowyn: Gee, they're novel. What else yer brung?
Nurse: A gown.
Eowyn: Where's ma armour and tutu?
Nurse: I don't know. This is all we could find in the women's clothing cupboard.
Eowyn: Shoot. Well help me on with it then.
Odd Narrator: Once Eowyn was dressed, she went to talk to the warden.
Eowyn: Warden, I am bored outta my skull.
Warden: Go back to bed this minute, young lady. You're still sick.
Eowyn: Darn tootin' right, I'm sick. Sick to death of being sick.
Warden: You've got magazines and knitting to occupy you, and the nurses to talk to.
Eowyn: That bunch of air-heads. All they can talk about is who's having an affair with who.
Warden: Really? Who is having an affair with who?
Eowyn: What the hail's it matter? Tell me about the war!
Warden: Not much to tell. The army's got a new captain from the north and they've gone off to the Morgul Vale to start another war ... WAR! da da da da da da. What is it good for?
Nurses: Absolutely nothing. Say it again.
Warden: WAR! da da da da da da. What is it good for?
Eowyn: SHUT IT, yer freakin' peaceniks.
Warden: It's all very well for you but we're the ones who have to patch up the soldiers. Our time would be much better spent in preventative medicine, but no, off they go for yet another battle.
Eowyn: And what ya'll planning to do when Sauron's unopposed hoards descend, slap 'em with a sprig of friggin' feverfew? If it wasn't for this arm, ah'd be out there slittin' some orc throats.
Odd Narrator: The warden was about to reply but, looking at Eowyn clenching her hand, he thought better of it.
Eowyn: ARGH! Ah need some action. Who IS the boss around Gondor now?
Warden: I don't really know. We've had so many recently that I've lost track. I suppose it could be Lord Faramir, but I'm not sure ...
Eowyn: Where's he?
Warden: In here, same as all the warmongers that haven't ridden off.
Eowyn: Well, let's jes mosey along and axt him, holla head.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: As the Warden led the Lady Eowyn through the Gardens of healing, they came upon the Lord Faramir laying back in a Lounge-Chair of Healing on the Deck of Healing next to the Pool of Healing wearing sunglasses and sipping a Frozen Daiquiri of Healing. His tan was coming in nicely and his well oiled muscles rippled and shone in the warm light of the sun.
Warden: Well Lord Faramir, you're looking fit and well, I think you may be ready to be released.
Faramir: Oh I don't know. (cough) My um. . .tummy hurts and I ah. . .I have this um, pain you see and then there's the mental trauma and all that sort of thing. I figure I need at least another week of therapy, maybe two. And counseling, oh yeah, lots and lots of counseling before I'm fit for duty. I'm still pretty broken up over that whole deal with Pops and Boromir. Oh, and could you fetch me another pitcher of this stuff. And bring some chips and salsa too won't you? There's a good fellow.
Warden: (rolls eyes) Yes Lord.
Faramir: It's good to be da Steward!
Eowyn: (eyeing Faramir appreciatively) Hi'ya Lord, you the Mayor o' this hyar one-horse town?
Faramir: (also doing a bit of appreciating) Something like that. And you would be?
Warden: The Lady Eowyn of Rohan my Lord. One of the Kings companions and sorely stricken in battle. She has been commended to my keeping, but she is not content and wishes to speak with the Steward of the City.
Faramir: No sh-, er, kidding? The Lady Eowyn of Rohan eh? So Lady of Rohan, what can I do to, er, FOR you?
Eowyn: Well Lord. . .Faramir is it?
Faramir: Ah-huh.
Eowyn: Well Lord, ah come here lookin' to get mahself kilt in the big fight, but as luck would have it,...
Faramir: (thinking to himself)
Hmmm, Creamy alabaster skin, full pouty lips. . .
Eowyn: Ah wuz saved when a half-pint little critter called a hobbit struck the Witch Kang a good'un. . .
Faramir: (to Himself) . . .shimmering blonde hair, wide shining eyes. . .
Eowyn: ... an Ah broke open a can o' whup-ass on his sorry butt... or acrost his sorry neck to be percise.
Faramir: (still to himself) . . .and legs that go clear up to. . .
Eowyn: But he whacked me pert near inta next week afore Ah clobbered im an so ah passed out cold an woke up hyar.
Faramir: . . .man would I like to. . .
Eowyn: HELLO! Did ya hear a single thing ah jest said?
(Faramir flashes the warden a sign to bring two glasses with the next pitcher. Warden bows and exits)
Faramir: Oh why. . .ahem. . . of course I did. (to himself: AND she's got self esteem issues! Wow! The total package!)
Faramir: Tell you what Eowyn, why don't you pull up a chair and we'll just have ourselves a nice long chat.
Eowyn: Ah dadgummit Mayor! All Ah want's ya'll ta do is ta give me a horse and a sword so's ah kin git out thar and git muhself kilt! Now that ain't so danged hard ta do is it?
Faramir: Well ordinarily no, it wouldn't. However, due to my er. . .weakened condition, I'm afraid that I have not yet assumed the full authority of the Stewards office. I know it's tough, (takes another sip of daiquiri), but we must endure these hours of waiting you and I. Daiquiri?
Eowyn: (sits in a lounge chair beside Faramir who stretches long and languorously, his still wet swim trunks clinging to his, um, hard, rippling thews.)
Eowyn: (a tear in her eye) But Lord, the healers would have me lie still in bed and, (sniff), my winder don't not face east.
Faramir: (To himself: AND she needs comforting! This is too sweet!) The Hell you say! Well we can get that fixed up in a jiff. We'll get you a room with a view and if you like, you can come out here in the garden with me and we can, um, ease each other's cares.
Eowyn: Ease each other's cares? But how Mayor? Ah don't am be wantin' the speech of living folk.
Faramir: Straight up?
Eowyn: Yep.
Faramir: (leans over and whispers in Eowyn's ear.)
Faramir: whisper-whisper...
Eowyn: (Eyes grow wide)
Faramir: And then, (whisper-whisper)
Eowyn: (jaw drops open)
Faramir: And after that I'll. . .(whisper-whisper)
Eowyn: (Face turns a deep crimson) Oh! Why I never!
Faramir: Oooooo! That's even better!
Eowyn: (a new light coming into her eyes) Y'all are a bad, bad man!
Faramir: You don't know the half of it!
Eowyn: Easy on the eyes though I gotta say.
Faramir: Well, I try to stay fit.
Eowyn: You do any long distance running?
Faramir: Some. Why?
Eowyn: On account a' ya'll gonna need some endurance. If'n ya'll takes my meaning.
Faramir: (Lies back smiling) Perfectly.
Eowyn: Mebbe Ah will have me some o' that thar whaddya-call-it.
Faramir: Coming right up. WARDEN!!!
Warden: I'm coming, I'm coming!
(Thran)
Tabloid Narrator: So, folks! You've tuned in to hear the SCANDAL of the age and let me tell ya, y'all will NOT be disappointed! Nosiree bob, not with the champion of the truth himself, Pox Kuldero coming to you live, or at least only slightly edited, from the City of the Tower of Guard. So your big scandal coming to you today, WHERE HAVE ALL THE COWBOYS GONE? Yessir, the question the Lady of Rohan must be asking herself now, as she has apparently been so disappointed in the selection in her homeland that she has turned her desperate virg- that is, EYES, to the brand new, younger child, unseasoned Steward of Gondor? Back after these messages, you'll get the full story of Faramir the Hottie and the secret life he leads! Don't go away!
[silence]
Odd Narrator: Right then, sorry about that folks, he won't be back; I just had to give him one narrating spot because he . . . well, you know the kind of blackmail power those tabloid guys have, not that I have anything to hide or be ashamed of they just, you know, really like to make things up . . . [blushing furiously] SO, back to the story. Faramir was, of course entirely smitten with the Smoldering Temptress of the Mark. Yeah, you thought she was just a Shieldmaiden, but let me tell you, those shining breastplates are good for more than just stopping arrows, if you get my meaning! Desperate for the lowdown on his new honey, Faramir asked around town and wormed out the best source he could find, the one in all of Gondor who knew Eowyn the most intimately.
[Overhead angled shot of Faramir sneaking down a back alley where a suspiciously short hooded figure leans against a wall, smoking a long brown pipe.]
Faramir: So.
Suspiciously Short Hooded Figure: So what.
Faramir: You've got a strangely high pitched voice for a man of Gondor or Rohan.
Suspiciously Short Hooded Figure [lowering his voice]: Do I?
Faramir: You're also suspiciously short.
Suspiciously Short Hooded Figure: You're not so tall yourse . . . oh yes you are.
Faramir: [LOOM]
Odd Narrator: Eventually they stopped acting like players in a bad mob movie, and Faramir discovered that his informant was the not-so-short-anymore-for-a-hobbit Meriadoc who fought alongside Eowyn in her last stand. Faramir left the encounter with a better understanding of Eowyn's peculiar speech patterns, desire for death, and amazing hotness, and Merry left the encounter with a somewhat fatter wallet.
The next morning in the garden. Romantic music plays in the background.]
(lothlorienbaby)
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: The lovely lady shone in the faint sunlight as she looked over the battle-scarred city. She wore a lovely dark blue skirt with a matching blazer. Round her neck was a white scarf with blue stars and on her golden head sat a form-fitting navy blue hat. It was the famed ensemble of Finduilas, Stewardess of Gondor and mother to Boromir and Faramir. She even wore the Stewardess's nametag and a button that read "How may I help you today?" You have to admit that although the lady Eowyn looked stunning, this was all kinda weird. But the love that the lady felt for her lord Faramir compelled her to comply with his request that she "dress like his mother." However, she drew the line when Faramir asked her to say "Hello, my name is Finduilas and I'll be your stewardess today. Would you like coffee, tea, or milk?"
(Thran)
Eowyn: [singing] You'd think the world has had enough of silly love songs
Faramir: [singing] I look around me and see it isn't so
Eowyn: Some people just want to fill the world with silly love songs
Faramir: What's wrong with that, I'd like to know!
Eowyn: I hope you don't mind
Faramir: I hope you don't mind
Eowyn: That I've put down in words
Faramir and Eowyn: How wonderful life is, now you're in the world!
[The music swells romantically as the two clasp hands and draw near one another, ready and waiting lips reaching hungrily together]
Merry: Morning guys!
[Faramir and Eowyn suddenly break apart]
Faramir: That was weird.
Eowyn: Tell me about it.
[uncomfortable silence]
Eowyn: Hey, ain't tat the Black Gate over yonder?
Faramir: Oh yeah, yonder.
[Both look at Merry]
Merry: Don't mind me, carry on, I'm just grabbing some rays. [Reclines on a lounge chair and puts on big purple sunglasses.]
Eowyn: Riiight.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so they stood there in the garden, waiting for the stroke of doom, or doom o'clock in the Shire reckoning. And all through the city it was silent. Not a sound could be heard, except for Merry who was dozing peacefully and snoring his cute little Hobbit heart out in the Lounge Chair of Healing.
Faramir: It's quiet.
Eowyn: Too quiet.
Faramir: Wanna hold hands?
Eowyn: Sure.
Faramir: That's not my hand.
Eowyn: Close enough.
Ground: Shake-shake-shake
Faramir: WOW! how did you DO that?
Eowyn: I didn't. . .
Ground: Rumble-rumble-rumble
Eowyn: . . .do that. Or that either.
Faramir: Well something is up. Er...yeah. Hey, Look!
Odd Narrator: Impressive.
Faramir: I mean over THERE!
Odd Narrator: Oh, uh-hum. Yes, I knew that. Well, okay then, Off in the distance, rising above the mountain ridges, there arose a great dark cloud that looked suspiciously like a great Dark Lord that had only moments before been a Gi-normous Flaming Eye.
Dark Cloud: D'oh! mumble mumble, Kiiiiiidddddds.
Faramir: Hmmm. Reminds me of Numenor.
Eowyn: What?
Faramir: You know, Numenor, the ancient realm where. . .
Eowyn: Yeah, yeah Ah knows all that there stuff, but why in the sam hill would that remind you of Numenor?
Faramir: Oh you know, all encompassing, mind numbing, soul-sucking darkness. I dream about it all the time.
Eowyn: Dude! (snuggles up against Faramirs totally buff chest) Hold me! I'm so scared!
Faramir: Who's you're daddy!
Eowyn: Is this it? Are we a-gonna take the Big Dirt Nap?
Faramir: No. I mean yes, I mean. . .Oh, My powerful intellect tells me that some really, really bad thing or other may or may not have happened. And yet, I feel all tingly and light! My heart is a-twitter and there's a song in my heart!
Eowyn: You mean. . .
Faramir: That's right. . .
Eowyn: You're GAY?!?!?
Faramir: I'm gay! NO! Wait! I mean that no darkness can endure!
Eowyn: Then you're not. . .
Faramir: No, no, no.
Eowyn: Whew! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Faramir: Of course not.
Eowyn: Nothing at all.
Faramir: Not a thing.
(long pause)
Eowyn: Because if'n you wuz. . .
Faramir: (grabs Eowyn by the back of the head and lays a wet one on her)
Eowyn: Um... (giggle)...Wow!
Faramir: Anymore question?
Eowyn: Uh-uh. Wanna hold hands. . .
Faramir: Ohhh yeahhh!
Merry: (off screen) That's not his hand.
Faramir + Eowyn: Close enough.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: And the men of Gondor looked up and saw that their Steward and the mysterious tragic Shieldmaiden were locked in a passionate embrace. And they rejoiced, especially Menelhir, who had the entire day of March 25 on the city-wide "Faramir loses his virginity" pool.
But before he could collect his winnings, another rare and wonderful thing happened. An Eagle came soaring over the city, singing joyful tidings.
Eagle:
Well, I heard evil creatures talkin' just the other day
And they said Sauron was gonna put us on a shelf
But let me tell you I got some news for you
And he's already found out it's true
And now he'll have to eat his lunch all by himself
'Cause Sauron's already gone
And we're feelin' strong
We will sing this vict'ry song, woo, hoo, hoo, woo, hoo, hoo
Well I know it Sauron who held us down
Heaven knows it was hobbits who set us free
So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know who has the key
But Sauron's already gone
And we're feelin' strong
We will sing this vict'ry song
'Cause he's already gone
Yes, he's already gone
Already gone
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And Lo! The days that followed were golden. Well, not LITTERALLY golden, more of a schools-out-with-nothing-to-do-but-sit-by-the-creek-with-your-dog kind of days. And spring and summer joined together along side of Eowyn and Faramir, and made, um, revel in the fields of Gondor.
Faramir: Hey! A little privacy?
Summer: Sorry.
Eowyn: Yeah, beat it ya pervs!
Spring: Our bad.
Odd Narrator: Anyway, tidings now came almost daily by swift riders out of Cair Andros of all that was done and the city made ready for the coming of the King.
Gondor Secret Service: All right, listen up, the King's coronation will be over there. So we need to establish a secure perimeter from here by the fountain and along over to that point. "Re-forger" will enter through the gate and proceed up the avenue to this point. Make sure all upper floors are cleared and sealed off, metal detectors have to be in place by oh-six-hundred and I want agents on all the roof tops. Lets look sharp people! And stay frosty, we've got a job to do here.
Odd Narrator: As the preparations were being made, Faramir assumed his duties as Steward. . .
Warden of the Houses of Healing: Come on, out you go.
Faramir: But, but, I'm not quite well yet!
Warden: Oh you're fine.
Faramir: I think I feel a fever coming on.
Warden: No you don't.
Faramir: But I do, look, I think that's a rash.
Warden: No it's not, it's a birthmark.
Faramir: It could be a rash.
Warden: You're not fooling anyone you know.
Faramir: Oooo, I think I'm getting, um, woozy.
Warden: Go for a walk. (pushes Faramir out the door)
Faramir: But. . .
SLAM!!!!
Faramir: sigh.
Odd Narrator: Merry was summoned and rode away with the developers, planning committees and contractors. It seems that Mordor had officially been classified as a "re-development zone" and Merry's expertise was sorely needed as most of the realtors, lawyers and tax accountants had been mysteriously missing after the Siege of Gondor had ended.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Eowyn was also summoned, but would not go would not go to Cair Andros, and moped around the Houses of Healing instead. The Warden reported that she was growing more morose each and had taken to pruning the bushes in the garden with a sword she's swiped from one of the other patients. Faramir grew concerned and went to her. He found her sitting on the wall, polishing her iron crown.
(Russ)
Faramir: What's wrong snookie-wookums?
Eowyn: Nothing. (sniff)
Faramir: Oh come now, something's bothering you, what is it?
Eowyn: I said it's nothing.
Faramir: Is it your um, "special time"?
Eowyn: (rolls eyes) What IS it with you men? Everytime something doesn't seem right you all just assume that it's our "special time"! Don't you think that we MIGHT have other problems as well, don't YOU ever have anything that bugs you and gets you down? What makes you think that we are any different! WE ARE PEOPLE WITH FEELINGS AND PROBLEMS JUST LIKE ALL YOU MEN! Boo-hooo-hooo! (sob)
Faramir: So it is "that time" then.
Eowyn: (Sob) Yes.
Faramir: (silently mouths the word chocolate to the warden who nods sagely and leaves.) What else is bothering you?
Eowyn: Isn't that enough?
Faramir: Oh yeah, that's plenty, but I got this feeling that there's something more. (looks a dart filled picture of Aragorn on the wall)
Eowyn: All right then mister smarty pants, you tell me!
Faramir: You still are in love with Aragorn.
Eowyn: Oh please! Why would you think that?
Faramir: Oh let's see, first, there's this: (Picks up a piece of paper with)
Gondors Ten Sexiest Men:
- Aragorn
- Aragorn
- Aragorn
- Aragorn
- Aragorn...
Faramir: Or this:
(picks up a copy of Tiger Beat Magazine)
"Win a dream-date with the new King Of Gondor"
Faramir: Or this:
(Cosmo) "Ten ways to please your King of Gondor" (and keep him coming back for more!)
Eowyn: Okay, okay, so maybe I like him a little.
Faramir: A little?!?! You've got his name tattooed on your ass! "Property of King of Gondor" it says!
(Idril)
Eowyn: I do not!
Faramir: I'll bet you do. Here, let me check.
Eowyn: [SMACK!]
Faramir: ow
(Russ)
Eowyn: Sigh.
Faramir: Don't I mean anything to you? Hasn't our time together been worth a little?
Eowyn: Look Faramir, you're a really nice guy and all. . .
Faramir: Aw, here it comes.
Eowyn: Here what comes?
Faramir: Really nice guy, I mean come on. What were you gonna say next? I love you but I'm just not in love with you? Or was it going to be Can't we just be special friends?
(Idril)
Eowyn: It ain't like that! [sigh] It's just that I had a hankerin' to be Queen.
Faramir: Really? Why?
Eowyn: Everybody'd look up to me.
Faramir: Oh they certainly would. You'd be terribly popular. You'd be invited to all the fanciest tea parties.
Eowyn: Tea parties?
Faramir: Oh yes... formal ones.
Eowyn: What happens at tea parties?
Faramir: Well everyone sits around and talks about things that aren't offensive to anyone and they drink tea and eat finger food.
Eowyn: Ugh! For how long?
Faramir: Hours.
Eowyn: Don't Gondorian queens go riding?
Faramir: Oh sure, at least twice a month on a nice safe mare... sidesaddle.
Eowyn: [GASP]
Faramir: It's a very conservative town, you know.
Eowyn: But when I go into battle...
Faramir: Good heavens! Queens don't go into battle! They have to produce heirs. In fact you shouldn't even have a sword.
Eowyn: [GASP]
Faramir: What can I say? I wouldn't mind, but the City is very big on tradition.
Eowyn: So what do Queens do for fun?
Faramir: (smiles broadly) Embroidery!
Eowyn: [GULP] I don't think I wanna be Queen no more.
Faramir: Oh really? That's too bad.
(Russ)
Faramir: Look, I may not be the King of Gondor, I may not wear a rock on my forehead or command Legions of Dead Guys, I may not have a cool black and white banner to fly and I may not get all shining and fell and everything, but I can give you something that no King, Wizard, Elf-Lord or anyone else can give you.
Eowyn: And THAT would be?
Faramir: This, (takes Eowyn in his arms and kisses her.)
Eowyn: (Knees go limp) Wow.
Faramir: And this... Whispers in here ear)
Eowyn: Really? That many?
Faramir: Yup.
Eowyn: Double wow.
Faramir: And last of all, this, (kneels before her) Eowyn, Lady of Rohan, I love you. I love you with my heart, my mind and my soul.
Eowyn: Gasp!
Faramir: I love you more than the stars in the sky, or the green fields of Gondor,
Eowyn: Swoon!
Faramir: I love you more than All the Kingdoms and all the fair places of the world.
Eowyn: Oh Faramir!
Faramir: You complete me.
Eowyn: Huh?
Faramir: How do I love thee, let me count the ways. . .
Eowyn: Okay. . .
Faramir: Youuuu light up my life. . .
Eowyn: I said. . .
Faramir: You give me hope, to carry on. . .
Eowyn: Enough already!
Faramir: (Stops)
Eowyn: You had me at "multiple".
(Idril)
Faramir: Cool... <smiles>
Eowyn: Now do ya wanna make out or what?
Faramir: Sure! But no blood-curdling battle yells, 'kay? My ears are still ringing from last time.
Eowyn: I ain't makin' any promises.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: As the city began to prepare for the king's arrival, the streets swarmed with people. Women had returned with their children, and were dashing from shop to shop trying to find suitable hats and dresses for the occasion.
Woman#1: I saw that hat first. I want it.
Woman#2: You? In THIS hat? You want to go to the celebration looking like a mushroom? Tough, I'm buying it.
Woman#1: Bitch!
Woman#2: Shorta*se!
Child: [Tugging at Woman#2's sleeve and pointing] Mommee, can I have those Barbee shoes?
Woman#2: No you can't, Brittany.
Brittany: [Jumping up and down] But why, Mommeee? I reeeeally want them.
Woman#2: Because ... because they already belong to someone. Look, there's a RESERVED sticker on them.
Brittany: Is there, Mommee?
Woman#2: Would Mommy lie to you, honey?
Odd Narrator: Outside, the main square was beginning to look like a rock festival, with musicians arriving from all points of the compass.
Brittany: [Coming out of the shop with her mommy] Look at all those strange people, Mommee. They've got jewelry in strange places and funny hair. That lady with the flute's got a ring in her tummy.
Woman#2: Don't stare, and don't you dare go near any of them.
Brittany: Why?
Woman#2: Because ... because they EAT children.
Brittany: [Gulp]
Odd Narrator: And so, to the strains of jamming sessions, the evening came and tents were pitched outside the city. Music played throughout the night until, as the last wail of a lonely saxophone died away, morning broke. The white standard was raised above the city and people gathered to gaze down from the walls.
Woman#2: Come here, honey, and look at all those soldiers coming.
Brittany: Don't want. I want Barbee shoes.
Woman#2: [Sigh] Please yourself. I can see the steward, and he's got that foreign girl with him. Well bless me, I think she's wearing those Barbie shoes.
Brittany: [Peering over the wall] Is she? How can you tell from here?
Woman#2: Mommy has very good eyesight. I told you those shoes belonged to somebody.
Brittany: But ... Why has everything gone quiet?
Odd Narrator: Lord Aragorn led the Dunedain forward. His flowing, white cloak was clasped with a bright green jewel, and a star shone upon his brow.
Eagle Pin: You look really handsome, Mr. Star.
Star: [Twinkling] Thank you.
Beryl: Sheesh, it's getting pretty crowded around here. I can't wait for the gold medallion to arrive.
Odd Narrator: And with him came Gandalf, Imrahil, Eomer and the four ...
Woman#2: Oh look, honey. There's four little boys with the king!
Brittany: WHAT! That's not fair. You're supposed to take me for all the kid's roles. [Stamping her feet and going red] Why didn't you take me to the audition? WHAAAAAAAAAA!
Woman#2: [SLAP]
Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Idril)
Ioreth's cousin: Oh this is so exciting, we got a great spot!
Ioreth: True.
Ioreth's cousin: Did you say you'd met the king before?
Ioreth: Yes.
Ioreth's cousin: What's wrong? Why aren't you talking?
Ioreth: He said I rattle on too much, so I'm practicing being concise.
Ioreth's cousin: Who said that?
Ioreth: The King.
Ioreth's cousin: Well that sucks and no mistake.
Ioreth: You said it.
Trumpet: BLARE!!
Geraldo: (whispering) Now Lord Faramir is stepping forward with Master Locksmith Hurin. There are 2... no... 4 guardsmen with them carrying... what? A casket?
King Earnur: (from inside the casket) What? Where are we going?
Faramir: Shh!
Earnur: Don't shush me boy! Where the #@&* are we going? I was having a nice nap!
Faramir: (whispering) We're having a ceremony... you go back to napping when we're done, 'kay? Promise!
Earnur: grumble
Faramir: (loudly) The King has returned! It's about $@&*in' time too! Here, take your stupid stick back!
Crowd: [GASP]
Aragorn: [rolls eyes]
Faramir: Just kidding!
Crowd: <titter>
Aragorn (loudly): Just for that you have to keep the stupid stick. Now get on with the show! I'm wearing new boots and they're killing me.
Faramir: People of Gondor! Here is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Sioux nation of Arnor, captain of the Westside High School swim team, president of the Bree Garden Club, four time winner of the Wilderlands Rotary Club "medic of the year" Award, pervy beryl-wearing elf fancier, Elessar, the great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson of Valandil son of Isildur son of Elendil of Numenor. Does he rule or what?
Crowd: <grumble grumble... well we don't know... grumble... maybe we should try a representative democracy... grumble grumble... what kind of salary is he asking? ... grumble>
Aragorn: GRRRRR...
Crowd: Ha!!! JUST KIDDING! Yea!!!
Earnur: Akkk! Noise! I hate crowds!
Faramir: It is the custom of old that the King should pass his crown to his heir before his death, or that his heir should come to the tomb and fetch it himself. But since the new King chooses not to enter the city, I have brought the crown here with the remains of the last King that wore it.
Aragorn: Why didn't you just bring the crown.
Faramir: Stubborn old bastid wouldn't let loose of it.
Earnur: Damn straight... I ain't givin' it up to no snot-nosed Steward boy.
Aragorn: Well open 'er up then.
[Faramir opens up the casket]
Earnur: OW! Bright!
Aragorn: Oh, stop your whining. (takes crown)
Geraldo: Wow and what a crown... wait... they're pulling a couple of fingerbones off of it... dusting it off a bit... It's more of a helm than a crown, with wings on the side and several quality gemstones. Very tasteful!
Helm: mmmmmm.... uhhhhh... line?
Anduril (whispering): Woo hoo, it's great to be out of that stupid tomb.
Helm: Ahh, thanks! Woo hoo! It's great to be out of that stupid comb.
Beryl: Sheesh! How unprofessional.
Aragorn: (Holding up crown) And these were the words that Elendil spoke when he first stepped foot on Middle Earth: "Hattay tormsay asway oneway adbay ofomay! Iway wearsay otay Odgay I'mway everney ettinggay onway away hipsay againway orfay asway onglay asway Iway ivelay! Astlay imetay Iway asway hattay icksay asway hattay imetay eway ademay rashcantay angriasay inway ollegecay. Eyhay, icenay lacepay! Hereway areway hetay omenway?"
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: To the wonder of many, Aragorn, though he held the crown in his hot little hands, did not place it on his head, but gave it back to Faramir.
Faramir: (whispers) Dude! What are you doing? Is this about that stick thing?
Aragorn: (whispers) Relax... Little change of plans. (loudly, to the crowd) Because so many have worked so hard to get me where I am today, I wish to acknowledge them with a little change in the ceremony that doesn't really mean anything but has that feel-good vibe that people get all choked-up over. What say you? Shall I go for it?
Crowd: Well, I dunno... maybe... sure, I guess so. Go for it! Yay!
Aragorn: Thank you! I would like the Ring-bearer to bring me the crown, and Mithrandir to set it upon my head; for without his constant nagging of all involved, none of this would have been possible.
Frodo: (to Faramir) Well, you heard him. Fork it over.
Faramir: Here you go (hands crown to Frodo). Sorry about your finger, by the way.
Frodo: No big. I'm hoping it will turn me into a chick magnet. You know, (high voice) 'Poor Frodo! So sad about his finger. Maybe I can cheer him up!'
Faramir: [snork!] Do you really think that'll happen?
Frodo: (sigh) A guy can dream, can't he? (takes crown to Gandalf) Psst! Gandalf! You're on.
Gandalf: Huh? Wha-? Oh, sorry. Just a little power nap.
[Gandalf takes the crown from Frodo and Aragorn kneels]
Gandalf: (places the crown on Aragorn's head) Ladies and gentleman, hobbits, elves and dwarves, the King is In The House!
Crowd: WORD!
Odd Narrator: But when Aragorn stood, a silence fell, and it was as if they were seeing him for the first time. Tall he seemed, and both old and young. His hands were those of a healer, and he seemed strong and wise. All this he seemed to those assembled, and they even saw that he had a light about him... But then they realized that it was only because they had never seen him really clean before.
Aragorn: (rolls eyes) Again with the bathing thing? Give me a #%#^@& break!
Crowd: [GASP!]
Gandalf: Bad king! No donut!
Aragorn: (whimper) Sorry... I've just been so tense lately, what with the ceremony, and the war, and the
Dramatic Music: DUN DUN DUN
Aragorn: Paths of the Dead
Crowd: NEIGH! (giggle, titter)
Aragorn: ...and all. (whispers) And then there's the upcoming You Know What, (whispers even more quietly) and then the You Know What Night, and...
Gandalf: Wait a minute... You mean to tell me that in all these years, you two never... you know?
Aragorn: Not technically.
Gandalf: (stunned) Well. Ahem... You have every right to be tense, then. And you certainly deserve the donut. Heck, have a dozen. It's the least I can do. (to Faramir) Well, carry on!
Faramir: Yo! Check out the King!
Crowd: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Go, King! You're Number One!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: At that moment the people on the city walls performed Middle-Earth's largest ever "wave". As they roared, Hurin and Faramir opened the wobbly barrier to the city and King Elessar entered therein.
He passed through the throng of people waving big foam "number one" fingers embossed with the white tree. Many devoted Gondor fans had stripped to the waist and painted themselves black on one side and silver on the other, and even more sported "Isildur's Hair" wigs. They shouted from the walls and rooftops as the king and his party made their way up to the seventh level, flinging beads and moon pies by the hundreds to all and sundry.
In one particularly rowdy quarter of the fourth circle the crowd was chanting "Laissez les bon temps roulette!" at a deafening volume. The hobbits were delighted to find that the women there would bare their breasts for a flung moon pie.
But before long the parade ended. The King left his subjects to their partying and entered the Citadel. The snow-white "This Space for Rent" banner of the Stewards was lowered, and the black and silver replacement banner hastily ordered from Rivendell was unfurled.
Then it began to rain? What? Oh... sorry... do over!
Then began the King's glorious reign in which the city prospered and grew more beautiful than ever. As it turned out, a vigorous tourism ad campaign designed by Merry and aimed at the dwarves and elves was a smashing success. The King plowed the resulting trade surplus back into an extensive renovation and landscaping program, causing unemployment to plummet and the GNP to soar. In other words, it was all cool and fruity as far as the eye could see.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And in the days that followed his crowning the King sat on his derri, er, throne, in the Hall of Kings and pronounced his judgements:
King: Offense?
Chamberlain: Petty theft Sire. A pig and two chickens.
King: Off with his head. next?
Chamberlain: Spitting on the sidewalk Sire.
King: Off with his head. Next?
Chamberlain: Telling bad jokes in mixed company Sire.
King: Hmmm. What jokes?
Chamberlain: Sirrah?
Rodney: By your leave my liege, I don't get no respect I tell ya. . .
King: OFF WITH HIS HEAD! QUICK!
Gandalf: Being a little harsh there aren't ya big fella?
King: Are you kidding me? You heard what he said.
Gandalf: Oh, well of course HE got what he deserved, but I mean the others.
King: I never beheaded anyone that didn't need beheadin'.
Gandalf: What about "let the punishment fit the crime" and all that sort of thing?
King: Not anymore. We have a new "One Strike" policy.
Gandalf: One strike and you're out?
King: One strike separates your head from your neck.
Gandalf: I see. And this is the same for all crimes?
King: Why of course not, what kind of monster do you think I am?
Gandalf: Hmm. Well what about jaywalking?
King: Beheadin'.
Gandalf: Double parking?
King: Beheadin'
Gandalf: Drunk and disorderly? Littering? Expired registration?
King: Beheadin', beheadin', beheadin'.
Gandalf: I dunno, sounds like an awful lot of beheadings to me.
King: Nah, we got loads of lesser punishments. Show the man Wilt.
Chamberlain: Let's see here. . .Well, there's, oh wait, we changed that one. Okay what about. . .dang, changed that one too. Funny, I coulda swore we had more. . .
Gandalf: I see it is as I suspected! Aragorn. . .
King: Ahem!
Gandalf: My bad. Sire, perhaps a moratorium on all beheadings, a temporary one mind you, is in order until you and the privy council can re-evaluate your statutes and the potential for future acquittals by DNA evidence?
King: Oh, very well. But only a temporary one mind you. We can't have every Tom, Dick and Glorfindel running around wreaking havoc on the people of my fair city. Stand down the headsman Wilt.
Chamberlain: Yes Sire. (exits)
Beregond: Whew!
Haradrim: I heard that!
Gandalf: Now Sire, what about this lot?
King: Well let's see. Easterlings, took up arms against Gondor, killed women and children, aiding and abetting a known Dark Lord. Behea. . .
Gandalf: Siiiiiire?
King: But Gandalf. . . .
Gandalf: You said. . .
King: Oh, all right. Sheesh! Full pardon. next?
Gandalf: Haradrim.
King: Oh that's an easy one. Off with. . .
Gandalf: Ahem!
King: Oh COME ON! We're talking about the HARADRIM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
Gandalf: Need I remind you that a Kings word is only as good as. . .
King: Okay, FINE! Full pardon. I don't know how I'm ever gonna get re-elected after this. Next?
Gandalf: You are the King. You don't HAVE to get re-elected.
King: Good point.
Gandalf: Slaves of Mordor?
King: Cut 'em loose and give 'em oh. . .say, forty acres and a mule.
Gandalf: Sounds fair. Not too original, but what are ya gonna do. And last of all Beregond.
King: Well let's see here. Spilling blood in the hallows and desertion. That's some serious offences and no mistake! Well them there is beheadin' offences if ever there was any.
Beregond: Gasp!
King: Still, you acquitted yourself in battle pretty damn well and it would be a shame to loose you. So here's the deal. Full pardon for all offenses.
Beregond: Yay!
King: And you are permanently banished from the city and the Citadel Guard.
Beregond: Boo.
King: And you must go and serve Lord Faramir as the Captain of his guard in Ilithien.
Beregond: Yay.
King: You may now kiss my hand in token of the mercy of my judgement.
Beregond: Boo.
Gandalf: (aside to Beregond) It's okay, he's clean.
Beregond: Yay!
Gandalf: And lastest of all, Eomer, King of The Mark!
Aragorn: Dude!
Eomer: True that.
Aragorn: So what do you want? Name it and it's yours.
Eomer: I'm cool. Got my own kingdom now. I can't wait to get home and start "setting things to rights" if you know what I mean.
Aragorn: I do. But don't tell Gandalf. I think he's going soft on us. Made me pardon the Haradrim.
Eomer: The hell you say!
Aragorn: No, for real. I'll be glad when he finally beats feet out of here to wherever it is that wizards beat feet out to. Well guy, I owe you one, a really, really big one. If it wasn't you and your folk we'd all be learning the Dark Tongue by now. If we still had tongues left that is.
Eomer: Ain't that the truth.
Aragorn: Yep. So what do you want to do with the old dead guy?
Eomer: Well, we's prob'ly gunna leave him stay put for a while if'n et's all right with y'all. Once we things straightened out back at the homestead, Ah'll send some of ma kinfolk to pick him up and haul his dead ass back to Rohan.
Ya know Aragorn, you're a mighty handsome feller. Ah mean, ever since that first time when a saws ya jump up out the grass Ah thought you wuz quite a looker and now that. . .
Aragorn: Easy there cowboy! You're talking to a horse of a whole different color! I'm not anything close to being. . .
Eomer: (shocked) Oh Ah knowed that, Ah wuz jest thinkin' y'all might like to meet some of our women folk. Enjoy some down-home Rohan hospitality of you take my meanin'.
Aragorn: Oh! Well then, I might just have to take a trip up to. . .
Gandalf: My Lord?
Aragorn: Yes?
Gandalf: Aren't you forgetting someone?
Aragorn: Um, nope, not as. . .aw crap! Sorry Bro, no can do. Got a hot little Elf-babe coming in soon enough. Thanks for the offer though.
Eomer: all righty then. Well, we'us best be gittin' on. See ya 'round!
Aragorn: Back at'cha Eomer. Be good.
Eowyn: Ah has to be goin' too. But as soon as Uncle Theo is in the ground, I'll be back.
Faramir: Oh man! Hey, you still have a few minutes, could I get a little something to remember you by?
Eowyn: A little somethin' somethin' you mean?
Faramir: Well. . .
(Meri)
Odd Narrator: So glad days passed, and the partying went on and on, till even Pippin declared that he was full and settled down to take a nap.
Pippin: Nope, can't eat another bite.
Legolas: I have a big bowl of rice pudding left over from last nights banquet?
Pippin: No way, I'll definitely hurl if I try to squeeze in any more...
Gimli: Ah, and some Rrrrroast Rrrrrump slices, just juicy and...
Pippin: Ugh, Meat? Do you know how much I've already eaten? I'm stuffed I tell you.
Sam: Well, we do have some carrots and dill dip left, some taters...
Pippin: Too much! No way.
Merry: How 'bout some nice cheesecake, we had it brought in special?
Pippin: Not going there.
Frodo: [sucks teeth] Well then, I'll just have to finish off these sausages, tomahhtoes and nice crispy bacon then...
Pippin: NOOOO! MINE! [gobble, scarf, chomp, smack]
Frodo: I guess you did have a little spot for the greasy...
Pippin: Ugh...[holds tummy]
Merry: Here it comes...
Pippin: I just...[gurgle] I need...[rumble] HOLY CARROTS...NOOOOOOO! [runs over to the wall, climbs up and hurls over the side to the folks in the sixth circle of Minas Tirith below.]
Folks in the sixth circle below: GROSSSSSS!
Pippin: Sorry.
Frodo: There it is.. WHA HAA! You owe me an archery lesson Leggie...
Merry: And you, Master Dwarf, owe me a tour of the Glittering Caves now...[high fives Frodo]
Aragorn: [walking in] Okay, I am getting complaints about hobbit barf? Where's Pip?
Sam: [snicker]
Merry: [snerf]
Frodo: [snork]
Legolas and Gimli: Over there losing his cookies...the little bugger.
Aragorn: As if I don't have enough problems... PIP!
Pippin: [walks back to the group] What... [gurgle] I... oh... King Stinker... Uh... I mean... Arag... I mean... Ell... wait... what am I supposed to call you now... you have like five billion names?
Aragorn: King Aragorn son of Arathorn will do.
Pippin: Sheesh you're a bit stuffy now you got your little new crown and all. I was wondering when we get to go home? We've been here forever, and I don't think the folks in the sixth circle like me very much.
(meri and Idril)
Aragorn: Oh Pip! [hugs Pippin] I am loth to dissolve our fellowship, actually I would love to send you home considering the expense of feeding four hobbits, but I really just like saying "loth", but being loth to have you leave gives me a great excuse to keep you here for something I've looked forward to for all my days of manhood. [puts hands on Frodo and Sam's shoulders] Something I have wanted to do for a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, long time that I want you guys to see.
Pippin: Oh man, if you're thinkin' what I think your thinkin' then I'll pass. I'm not into that kind of pervy stuff.
[Everyone stares at Pippin]
Pippin: Well... I'm not.
Aragorn: [SIGH] [strides off]
Gandalf: Peregrin! That foolofaTook thing was funny the first 100 times, but honestly
Pippin: Well alright Mr. Smarty-Robes. What are we waiting for?
Gandalf: Aragorn is waiting for a sign.
Frodo: A sign? Why is that...
Gandalf: [whisper, whisper]
Frodo: NO WAY? He's still a virgin too?
[Everyone stares at Frodo]
Frodo: Well he's not married... and ummm...
[More stares]
Frodo: Never mind.
Gandalf: Let's just say he's been off his feed for a while. It happens to everyone occasionally (I'm told). But he'll be back in the saddle before long! We're just waiting for a sign from Mother Nature.
Frodo: Um...huh?
Gandalf: Don't worry, Frodo. All streaks of celibacy must come to an end.
Frodo: Really?
Gandalf: Sure. Well, most anyway.
Frodo: [pout]
(Meri and Idril)
Odd Narrator: There was a day that Gandalf couldn't be found, and all the hobbits began to complain, because if he was missing it meant something terrible or difficult was about to occur. But much to their surprise, they kept having a great day. Aragorn on the other hand, had a day full of paperwork, lobbyists, fundraising banquets, and three political speechwriters hanging around asking about punctuation and emphasis. He tossed and turned in his royal bed... loney and frustrated-
Aragorn: GRRRRRRR...
Odd Narrator: Errr... I mean happy! Happy that his reign was starting off so well... and uhhh... he was full of plans and... ummm... <squeak>
(Meri)
Gandalf: Now, now, Aragorn, don't get all bent out of shape because you're having pent up frustrations and are impatient...
Aragorn: Uh, Gandalf...What are you doing in my bedroom?
Gandalf: Little annoying wizard thing...Saddle up! [chortle] I have arranged for a nice little moonlit hike up on Mount Mindolluin.
Aragorn: [sits up] A hike? Will I get stinky again? I miss my greasy hair and my dirty boots...the stupid valet keeps cleaning everything, and practically forces me to wash now...
Gandalf: [holds up stinky boots]
Aragorn: Right on!
Odd Narrator: So the very handsome and kingly, wonderful, skilled and beloved Aragorn, King of Gondor, glorious leader of Middle Earth pulled on his malodorous boots and the two illustrious leaders quietly made their way ever so gracefully up the path that only Kings of such great leadership skills and wisdom dared ever to tread. They elegantly followed the path until they could see the City far below them, and Gandalf, the wise powerful and caring friend that he was, had a little chat with the bravest of all Kings and wisest of all men to ever...
Aragorn: OKAY...that's enough brownnosing...zip it or else!
Odd Narrator: Yes milord.
Gandalf: Look down below us Aragorn. This is your realm...just like in the Lion King, I have brought you here to show you what you rule...
Aragorn: Wow, this is quite a view...I am King of all that?
Gandalf: Yes, and more that your eyes cannot see.
Aragorn: Wowzers...I'm a little nervous now, we're really high, I can feel the lack of oxygen...
Gandalf: Yes, that happens, breathe...here have some water. [hands him a water bottle] Anyway, so The Third Age is over, I'm going off to bigger and better things, a new age is upon you. Do what you can with these illiterate and weak folk, preserve the best stories, recipes, it is time for the Dominion of Men.
Aragorn: [puffs out chest] OH YEAH!
Echo: OH YEAH!
(Idril)
Gandalf: And I wouldn't worry over much about that problem you've been having, for-
Aragorn: What problem?
Gandalf: You know... your little erm... equipment problem. No more worries about that, for-
Aragorn: Exactly WHO told you I had an "equipment problem"??
Odd Narrator: D'oh! Uh... look at the time! Gotta go! [flees]
Gandalf: Well that's not important, everyone I've told says it's nothing to worry about.
Aragorn: EVERYONE YOU'VE TOLD?!?!?
Gandalf: Happens to everyone at some point in their lives. Not that I have any first-hand knowledge of that, of course, but-
Aragorn: Gandalf, could you come over here for a minute?
Gandalf: Well, I suppose, but I wanted to tell you about my disc- AGGGGHKKK!!
Aragorn: (choking Gandalf) Now THIS is something I have wanted to do for a really, really, really, long time.
Anduril: What? Good heavens! What are you doing, Aragorn?
Gandalf: GGGGAAAAKKKK!!!
Aragorn: I'm killing a mouthy wizard.
Anduril: Aragorn hon, do you remember that thing we talked about earlier?
Aragorn: Which thing?
Anduril: The one about killing your friends and allies? Remember the rule?
Aragorn: Ummm... don't?
Gandalf: <gurgle> <turns blue>
Anduril: That's right. Now put the wizard down and back away slowly.
Aragorn: Do I have to?
Anduril: I'm afraid so!
Aragorn: But-
Anduril: No buts!
Aragorn: Grrrr (lets Gandalf go)
Gandalf: [GASP!!][WHEEZE!!]
Aragorn: Oh sorry about that... lost my head there for a minute.
Gandalf: [WHEEZE!!][GASP!!]
Aragorn: Ummm... was there something you wanted to show me?
(meri and Idril)
Gandalf: [GASP!!][WHEEZE!!] Look [GASP] up.
Aragorn: Up?
Odd Narrator: And Aragorn looked up on a slope behind him and up by the snow a small thing stood. He climbed up to see it and found a sapling tree, already putting forth leaves.
Aragorn: Oi! Viagris! I have found the answer to my worries...behold here is a scion of the eldest trees! How came it here? For I thought they had all croaked, never again to produce the luscious Viagris fruit for the stamina of the Kings, and pleasure of Queens.
Gandalf: [WHEEZE]
Aragorn: You're right! That's why the Kings would never share the fruit of the trees in the line of Nimloth the fair... and why they were always happy. Why I don't even need to eat the fruit, just being near this little sapling is making me feel much more... well...
Gandalf: [GASP] mutter [WHEEZE]
Aragorn: [chuckle] Good one, Gandalf! [smacks the wizard on the back] And if it ever does bear fruit I'll be certain to plant the seeds. Wouldn't want to see the fruit of this kind go extinct! [gives tree a tug]
Tree: Ow!
Anduril: Hey, be careful.
Aragorn: Ugh...Umph...Rrrrrrrrrrrr! Come on baby, come on...You know you want it...come on!
Tree: I'm like so sure! No way I am uprooting my beautiful self for your stinkyness, even if you are King! [sniff]
Anduril: Try being a little more gentle... it is really the key to gardening, and er... planting seeds... if you get my drift.
Aragorn: Oh...you're right. Sweet beautiful tree, your bark is so fine, your leaves so fluttery...I have a lovely spot for you, down in the...er...cittery!
Tree: [blush] Really, like, wow! [flutter] A spot just for me? Well, now...you are quite the hottie, now that I get a good look at you in the moonlight. [tree springs out of ground]
Aragorn: I think I'll make a note of that...[whips out palm pilot] Be gentle with the chicks. Okay! Let's take this beauty down and plant it!
Tree: [flutter]
Odd Narrator: So the two carried the sapling down to the city and they rousted the back-hoe guy in the middle of the night to tear out the withered tree. He charged double overtime, but he didn't hit the plumbing, and after some debate, the tree was laid to rest in the silence of Rath Dinen...Oh BROTHER! [SNORK] They put the dead tree up on Silent Street with the dead guys...
Aragorn: Glare...
Odd Narrator: It was a wise political move, and all the folks of Minas Tirith were very impressed with the reverence the new King had for the most beautiful symbol of virility that had stood for hundreds of years...[smile]
Aragorn: That's better.
Gandalf: [grumble] I could have blasted you, you know.
Aragorn: Yeah, whatever.
(lothlorienbaby)
Odd Narrator: And so it was that a large company of folks set out from Rivendell to Minas Tirith. Among those in the company were the lovely lady Arwen Evenstar, her father Elrond, her brothers the evil twins, er, Elrohir and Elladan, the resurrected Glorfindel who had nothing better to do, and Erestor. When they reached Lothlorien, they picked up a few more folks including the glorious Lady of the Wood and her rather dull husband.
Aragorn: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just how many people did Arwen invite to this wedding?
Odd Narrator: Pretty much every elf in Rivendell and Lothlorien. How many is that? Like several thousand?
Aragorn: [faints]
Gandalf: Sheez! Someone get me some water over here!
Aragorn: [shakes head as water is dumped on his head] Do we even have enough rooms in this place for several thousand elves?
Legolas: Don't worry. There's enough trees for everyone.
Odd Narrator: So as I was saying, a large company of elves were on their way to Minas Tirith for the long awaited wedding of their newly crowned King Elessar and the lady Arwen Evenstar. At long last, the preparations were complete and the company arrived at the newly repaired gates of the city. Elrond Halfelven rode up to the gates of the city and greeted the smelly ranger cum King of Gondor.
Pippin: [snicker] He said...
Gandalf: Don't even go there you fool of a Took!
Pippin: [pout]
Elrond: Greetings King of Gondor who until recently was just a pungent ranger that my daughter dated just to get back at me for all those times I wouldn't let her stay out past midnight. Let me greet you with the traditional elvish greeting given by fathers who disapprove of their daughter's choice of a husband: with a long and tedious story of all the other men my daughter has dated.
Odd Narrator: Indeed the lord Elrond droned on for hours going into excruciating detail on every single elf that Arwen had ever dated and how each would have been a better choice for her to marry. Arwen blushed seven shades of red and indeed the little-phased Aragorn's eyes began to widen as he realized just how many elves Arwen had been with in her long years.
Elrond: Well, that is the end of the story. I don't think I missed anyone, did I sweetie?
Arwen: I'm so humiliated.
Elrond: And later I'll show you pictures of my daughter in the bathtub.
[all male ears perk up]
Elrond: when she was two years old.
Sam: [whispers to Frodo] Are elves ever two years old?
Odd Narrator: And so the whole lot of them entered the city to rest before the joyous wedding day.
Elrond: [aside to Aragorn] My daughter best be sleeping alone tonight, buddy or I'll speak at your wedding reception.
Odd Narrator: And King Elessar heeded well the words of Lord Elrond for he knew very well that Elrond held the Guiness Book of World Records record for both the longest and dullest speeches ever given. The remaining fellowship members decided to take Aragorn out for his bachelor party.
Aragorn: [blindfolded] Where in Gondor are you taking me?
Odd Narrator: They led him along for several minutes before stopping and opening a door. If ol' Arathorn had lived to see his son enter such a place... well, he'd be really, really red. Oh, I can't even look!
Aragorn: A day spa?
Gandalf: Yes, well, quite frankly we're all rather smelly and dirty from all this warring. Even my fantastic manicure done by the Valar is starting to get a little worn.
Legolas: I'm finding myself strangely drawn to the seaweed wrap. Curse that darn sea and its siren call!
Sam: Do they have any strawberry soap?
Odd Narrator: The Fellowship all enjoyed the manicures, pedicures, and deep skin massages with fruity oils. Morning arrived and the wedding ceremony was about to begin. The Lord Elrond walked down the aisle with his lovely daughter and reluctantly gave her hand to the newly cleaned King of Gondor.
Arwen: Oh, sweetie, you smell so clean.
Impressive Clergyman: Mahwidge. Mahwidge is what bwings us twoogether twooday. Mahwidge that bwessed awangement. That dweam wifin a dweam...
Odd Narrator: What the heck did he say? Indeed the entire assembly had to strain in order to understand this clergyman. The look that Arwen gave to Aragorn would have killed seven cave trolls and ten orcs. Aragorn just shrugged and gestured towards her father.
Elrond: [smirk]
Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove will fowwow you fowever.
Odd Narrator: Suddenly there was a commotion outside. Apparently a giant, a Spaniard, and an invalid were attempting to storm the castle. Aragorn nodded at Faramir who went outside and informed the party crashers that they were in the wrong movie.
Westley: So sorry. I heard the clergyman and just thought... well, we'll be on our way then.
Impressive Clergyman: Wif anwywon knwows of a weason thwese twow shwouldd not bwe maweed, spweak nwow or fowever hwold your pweace.
[all the assembly turns to look at Elrond]
Elrond: [mumbling his protest as Galadriel has her hand clapped over his mouth]
Galadriel: My son-in-law has no objections.
[all the assembly turns to look at Eowyn]
Eowyn: Though I am saddened to see such a fine, strong, brave, handsome, sexy, muscular... man marry such a lowly elven tramp, I have no objections as I am sure he will notice my flirting with Faramir and be jealous and decide not to marry the wench.
Miss Eowyn's Personal Narrator: Then Eowyn planted a huge wet kiss on Faramir who himself was playing dumb to her attempts to make Aragorn jealous.
Aragorn: [rolls his eyes] Women. You sleep with them once... er... ah... you teach them a few sword moves once and they think you're in love with them.
Arwen: [glares]
Impressive Clergyman: Swo tweaswure yowr wife....
Odd Narrator: And so the wedding continued until finally Aragorn could take it no longer.
Aragorn: Skip to the end!
Impressive Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Aragorn: [looks blankly at him for a moment until a snotty nosed Gondor child hands him a ring] Ah, yes, here it is!
Impressive Clergyman: And do you Kwing Eweswa... er Kwing Wawagowrn take the Wady Awarwen for your wife... two have and two hwold thwoo swicknwess and thwoo hwealth, thwoo bad hwair dways and good hwair dways, as wong as you bwoth shwall wive?
Aragorn: [stares blankly] Sure. What you said. [to Arwen] With this exquisite sterling silver replica of the elven ring Nenya worn by the famed enchantress Galadriel in The Fellowship of the Ring; now available at the New Line shop for only $129.99 I thee wed.
Impressive Clergyman: And do you wady awarwen take this wanger for your wusbwand... thwoo stwink and occwaisional cweanwiness, thwoo whinwing and fwaithfulwess... etcetewa... as wong as you bwoth shwall wive?
Arwen: I do. With this stunning 24-carat replica of the infamous One Ring created by the dark lord Sauron to rule all of Middle Earth featuring exquisite detailed lettering of the inscription discovered in the Fellowship of the Ring; now available at the New Line shop for only $129.99 I thee wed.
Impressive Clergyman: Thwen bwy the pwower inwested in me bwy... hwang on. [removes cotton from his mouth] That's better. Then by the power invested in my by the Valar and their subsidiaries, I now pronounce you man and elf.
Drunk Odd Narrator: Then there was this HUGE party and everyone was like drinking and stuff. And Faramir got on top of a table and started stripping until Eowyn made him stop. Dude, why'd you do that? [laughing] Then Gandalf started talking about some Ballrig or Ballwog or something. And about being naked on top of some mountain or something. Dude must have been drunk. Then Gimli said something about the sight of Gandalf naked would have frightened off even the uruk-hai and perhaps he should have taken off his clothes at Helm's Deep. Gandalf got really, really, really mad and [snork] took off his robe! Dude was walking around naked! I may be really drunk now, but that image is burned into my brain. Dude was so hot. Think I must be gay. Feel very sick now. Room spinning... [THUD]