(Russ)
Odd Narrator: All about the hills the hosts of Mordor raged. . .
Hosts Of Mordor: No dammit! The Swan Knights sit over HERE, by the Rohirrim! Look at your place cards people! And WHAT is the ice sculpture doing over there? These are NOT the centerpieces I had ordered!
Odd Narrator: Oooookey. Anyhow, while the Hosts of Mordor raged, the Army of Mordor mercilessly assailed the Captains of the West whose forces were drawn up upon the hills and resisted the onslaught like islands of order amidst an unrelenting sea of chaos. And above the fray stood Aragorn, silent and stern beneath his banner, as one lost in thought of things long past or far away; but his eyes shone like stars that grew ever brighter as the night deepened.
Dol Amroth: Hey King, you gonna stand around daydreaming all day long or what? (dodge! stab! hack!)
Gimli: Yeah, I could use a bit of. . .
ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK!
Gimli ...help. Hello Legolas!
Legolas: Hey Shorty! What's your count?
Gimli: Twelve.
Legolas: Not bad, but I've got seventy three. . .
ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK!
Legolas: . . .make that eighty one. . .confirmed.
Gimli: Show off! Look out, here comes another wave!
Legolas: Let 'em come!
ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK- click...click...click...
Legolas: Wha?
AK: Cough-sputter. I'm hit!
Legolas: What?!? Where? MEDIC!!!
AK: It's no good, I'm jammed!
Legolas: Hang in there! I'll get you to a gunsmith!
AK: No, it's too late for me, save yourself!
Legolas: No! I'll never leave you!
AK: Forget about me, I'm done for! Now go on, get out of here! I'll hold 'em off, you just go!
Legolas: You? But how?
AK: I'll misfire the next round, just make sure you're clear.
Legolas: I'll never forget you. Never.
AK: Nor I you, now please, beat it while you still can.
Legolas: Farewell my friend. [exits]
AK: (alone on the Field of Cormallen) All right now you big brutes, one of you come on over here. . .
(an orc spies the rifle lying on the ground and approaches. With a shout of triumph, lifts the weapon and holds it high over his head, the orc hos. . .er, Army gives a blood-rending cheer.)
AK: To the last I grapple with thee;
(the Orc draws a bead on the still standing Aragorn and. . .)
AK: . . .from hell's heart I stab at thee;
KABLOWIE!
AK: . . .for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.
(The Orc, face blackened, nose blown around to the back of his head, drops down dead.)
Orc Army: Groan!
AK: Thus, I give up the spear! (expires)
Odd Narrator: And even as AK breathed it's last, Gandalf, gleaming cold and white above the battle, looked north and, raising his hands, cried in a loud voice. . .
Gandalf: Anybody seen my staff?
Army of the West: Groan!
Gandalf: I coulda sworn. . .oh wait, here it is! (sees it in his hand) Silly me. Hey would you look at that, The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: There came the great eagles flying from the North, and with them came their spouses and their entourage: bodyguard eagles, PR eagles, roadie eagles, groupie eagles, and also several of the great legal buzzards. They screamed their challenges to the Nazgul, but apparently the Nazgul had never heard of the eagle's rules, and left without checking out.
Barad-Dur Tower: Spectre Squadron, Spectre squadron, this is the Black Tower. Divert to Mt Doom immediately, I repeat, divert to Mt Doom immediately.
Nazgul: Roger tower, Spectre Squadron diverting to Mt Doom.
Orc Captains: Umm... hello? What about us? Where's our air support going?
Sauron: Nooooooooooooo!
Doubt: Hey, I'll take over from here. Wow, what's going on? I wonder why did the Nazgul leave? Those guys from Gondor look tough. I hope they don't kick our butts. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. MOS has got to be the world's worst negotiator, you know. I hope I don't have to go in the front, the guys in the front always get killed.
Army of Mordor: Rut Roh... those guys look totally pissed. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Captains of the West: Woohoo! Pih pih yarooh!! Attack! [slaughter slaughter]
Army of Mordor: Akk!
Gandalf: Hold up a sec! Oh whoa, the earth is shaking!
[A great dark cloud rises from Mordor, lit with flashes of fire]
Aragorn: Holy hobbit holes! What's happening? Did Frodo loose his virginity?
Gandalf: No, nothing THAT unlikely...
Odd Narrator: What a sight! The Towers of the Teeth are crumbling, orcs are running in circles screaming... oh wait... no... Yes! The Black Gate is coming down! Wow, I wish we had real video on this stuff... it's fabulous! Watch out, watch out, one of the towers is toppling toward the Easterlings... can they get out of the way? (pause) [GASP] Oooh! That's gotta hurt!
Ruinous Noise: RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE
Gandalf: WOOHOO!! The ring-bearer has destroyed the ring!
Odd Narrator: A terrible, vaguely human-shaped shadow rose up over the mountains. It stretched a threatening hand toward the Army of the West, but instead of a mighty fist of iron its hand was limp, weak and insubstantial. It was sort of pathetic, actually. But I'm sure that sort of thing happens to all evil creatures. It doesn't mean anything.
Gandalf: NYAH NYAH Sauron, You're history! That'll learn ya for trying to enslave Middle Earth!
Shadowy Sauron Shape: And it would have worked too, if it hadn't been for those meddling... kiiiiiiiids...
Odd Narrator: And thus Sauron was whisked away by a rising wind from the West. Silence fell over both armies.
(Meri)
Odd Narrator: So all the Orcs, the trolls, and beasts of Sauron, who, understandably were just a little bit spooked when the spell controlling their very lives vanished, ran hither and thither mindless..."thither" I like that word, it is very...
Aragorn: Ahem...
Odd Narrator: Oh. Sorry! Well, but there were those Men of Rhun and Harad, Easterling and Southron that were just mercenaries saw all the slaves of Mordor chickening out, and committing suicide...their rather smelly leaders had a little huddle.
Ghun (Man of Rhun): Dude, this just sucks...now who will we put on the front lines, all those Orcs and Goblins are AWOL.
Jared (Man of Harad): I know, and all my guys just got all pumped up on steroids and methamphetamines to kick these lily white boys from MT.
Ghun: Do you think we can still take them; they are rather pathetic, despite that little glimmer of hope twinkling out of their leaders' eyes.
Jared: Well, I'm going to fight...and my men will too, we all just finished our wills, and life insurance policies, the wife and kids will be set this way, even without the possibility of climbing Sauron's corporate ladder.
Ghun: Did he offer you the package deal with the paid insurance, and the prescription drugs, or did you all get the one with the medical savings account and the good pension plan?
Jared: We went with the pension plan, there's no health care providers that are "in-network" in our part of Middle Earth, it saves a ton of money when we just have to barter with the medicine man...we got dibs on lots of grazing land...
Ghun: That was probably...DUDE they got Eagles.
Jared: The Eagles? Like..."Hotel California" Eagles? I love them, if they're performing, maybe we could negotiate a truce, the tickets are so expensive...
Ghun: No [smack] the "air support" kind...so what do we do?
Jared: [peering] Dang...well, [whips out blade] LETS GO FIGHT! C'mon boys, your wives will all be rich by tonight!
All the bad guys: RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR ATTACK!
Odd Narrator: Gandalf, seeing the battle suddenly looming dangerous and near calls to his buddy Gwaihir.
Gandalf : [speaking into a cell phone] Gwaihir...come in Gwaihir...I really need a ride, and bring a friend.
Gwaihir: Sure, only call me in an emergency...[swoop]
Gandalf: [to Aragorn] Uh, Aragorn, now is your time to be a great military leader, do your best and everyone will think you should be king...just don't get killed kay?
Aragorn: Sure, fly off with your friends, right when the [dodge, parry, slice] umfph, fighting gets [SCHPLEEEE] eewww, that was gross, right when the fighting is fiercest..[stab, chop, hack]
Gandalf: [rolls eyes] [Gwaihir comes flapping over]
Gwaihir: Whazzup?
Gandalf: I know I owe you big time for those last two rides, especially that streaking incident...but I was wondering if I could bum a ride again?
Gwaihir: I dunno...
Gandalf: [dumbfounded] I swear, I have been really good about my diet since last time...haven't gained an ounce! And I wasn't too heavy then...was I?
Gwaihir: Did you shower recently?
Gandalf: Uh...yes?
Gwaihir: Well, I guess, if you aren't lice ridden, and reeking with the heebie jeebies...hop on.
Gandalf: Thanks, I'll try not to ruffle up the feathers this time.
Gwaihir: Bud...I was just teasing...I'd bear you all the way to Mordor...well, wherever you want to go, and even if you were lice ridden, reeking and made of stone...though it would be kind of hard to balance you...
Gandalf: Can we bring a couple of your buddies? I have a few items to pick up at Mt. Doom.
Gwaihir: Sure [CHEEEEEEP, TWITTER, CHIIIIRRRRP] [Two eagles swoop over] Landroval and Meneldor you're comin' with us...
Gandalf: Uh, and could we go really, really fast...I know we're going against the wind here, but I am a little tad nervous about the hot lava pouring on the little parcels...
Gwaihir: [bearing Gandalf with Landroval and Meneldor by his side] What did you leave near an active Volcano? That wasn't very smart!
Gandalf: I know, but I really...
Gwaihir: No talking...okay lads...goggles on and TURBO!
Odd Narrator: So they blasted like lighting over to the rumbling, oozing, hot and nasty Mt. Doom and the Hobbits of Doom...
[meanwhile]
Sam: COOL! I'm a Hobbit of Doom!
Frodo: You know, I'm glad you came along with me Sam...even though we're going to die, you're still so perky and upbeat...Hobbits of Doom eh? That sounds like a cool video game? Do you think it'll be Playstation?
Sam: Oh, [blush] Master...I'm glad I came too, even though we're gonna die, and no one will ever hear about us...Oh, man, your poor mangled hand...are you weak? Here let me get blood all over my chest...there...but even though we're done with the mission, quest, thang...and there's an erupting volcano behind us, and you're bleeding profusely, and I'm pretty much tuckered out, and there's no way in Mordor we're going to get away...I just can't give up...it's not like me!
Frodo: Just exactly how many happy pills have you been taking? We all die sometime, we just have to wait a few minutes, hot lava will fry our little shoeless selves into a fluffy crisp, there's no way out of this adventure...
Sam: Well, I guess you're right! [plops on the ground] Let's just sit here and take a 5,000 degree bath! [pout]
Frodo: Sam...I didn't mean it like that...I just meant, that sometimes hopes fail...sometimes, the good guys don't win...[sticks out lower lip] Sammy...Sambone? Couldn't you just be perky up to the last second for widdle ole blue eyed me?
Sam: [trying to resist a smile... breaking into one anyway] Well, okay, [gets up] Let's at least get out of here anyway, it might be fun to see all of Mordor crumble from the side of a volcano.
Frodo: There ya go! I'll tag along, humoring you, and we'll get a little bit of toxic air together!
Odd Narrator: So the two heroes passed the Crack of Doom sign, and slowly went down the path, clinging to the remaining side rails as the Mountain rumbled and quaked, billowing smoke and steam and a huge fiery vomit rolled slowly down the Eastern side...I guess it's good it wasn't a pyroclastic flow...Well, they worked their way down, ridiculously lucky that they weren't immediately killed being as they didn't have those hot lava outfits...They stumbled along until they found a little ashen hill, where they stopped, exhausted...and the mountain vomit started towards them [shudder], ash started raining on them,[ouch] and they had no masks [sigh] it was like a little island...where...[sniff] they would just wait [sniffle] and DIE! [sob] This is just so unfair...they're gonna fry...[wipes away tears] Well, dear sweet ole Sam stood by Frodo's side, bless him...and caressed Frodo's mangled hand...[WAIL]
Sam: Get a grip...I'll take it from here...someone get him some tissues!
Odd Narrator: [WAAAAHHAHAAAAAAAA]
Sam: Well, we've sure had an adventure...you know. I'd like to have our little tale told by the fireside...What do you think they'll say? "Now lets talk about Frodo of the nine-fingers...and the Ring of Doom!"
Frodo: Nawww, probably, "Lets hear the tale of Sam and the Slutty rope!" [snicker]
Sam: Well, she came around to be more domestic, who'd a thunk she'd be a mommy.
Frodo: Well she and baby rope are about to be toast too...unless Elven rope can withstand hot lava...
Rope: [whimper]
Baby Rope: Mommie?
Rope: Shh, be brave.
Odd Narrator: [blubber, WAIL!]
Sam: Well, I'd sure like to hear it told, even if it did include all the strange things like Barmaids, and real estate ventures, talking rings, singing swords, sultry ropes...
Rope: [blush]
Frodo: Yeah, it would be sort of wild and far fetched, but you know storytellers, they'll probably find a few more wild things to polish the story...maybe talking trees, and wild men who know algebra...
Sam: [SNORK] Well, let's just keep chatting while we try to ignore that rising tide of red hot lava that's approaching okay? [getting closer to Frodo]
Frodo: Uh...well, okay...I really liked the foot rubs we had...and even that sandcastle...
Sam: [sigh] [loosening collar] Is it just me or is it getting a tad warm?
Frodo: No, it's hot, I'm all sweaty, see...[points at head] perspiration dripping down in an Aragornesque kind of way.
Sam: Oh, I guess we'd rival him in smelliness now! [whimper] I need a fan...[cough] [cough]
Frodo: [cough] [wheeze] Air...choking...gasses...
Sam: [hack, cough] Oh Frodo, see you in the next life...
Frodo: [cough] Okay!
Odd Narrator: [whimper, sniffle] Okay, I think I have it together...so the two heroes, overcome with the toxic fumes of the nasty, wasty mountain...and the heat of the hot lava oozing around them...collapsed...[sob] laying there, side by side...[blubber] and they were just about dead...[whine] when...OH HEY! [happy teary smile][sniffs away tears] The eagles Gwaihir, Landroval and Meneldor spied them and [clapping and jumping off his chair] SWOOPED down and [yippie] plucked them from the little bit of ash before they were burnt to crisps!! [throws script up in the air] HOORAY! I love you Tolkien! [does a little dance]
(Russ)
[Much Later]
Sam: YAWWWWWWWWN! (opens eyes) Hullo trees. . . Trees? And sunlight? (sniff-sniff) And strawberry bubble bath? And no lava. Hmmmmm. Was it all a bad dream? (sees Frodo asleep next to him, bandaged hand lying on top of the blanked.)
Voice of Gandalf: (off camera) No Sam it wasn't a dream.
Sam: Wowie! - wow! - wow! - wow! wow! wow!
(shoots straight up six feet and lands on his feet. Turns and sees Gandalf standing behind him smiling warmly and shimmering in pure white.
Sam: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Hello Sam.
Sam: I thought you were dea...
(looks hard at Gandalf, then at his surroundings, then frantically cranes his neck to see if he has wings on his back)
Sam: It wasn't a dream was it Gandalf?
Gandalf: No Sam.
Sam: Am I. . . I mean are you...I mean we...
Gandalf: (chuckles softly) No Sam.
Sam: Then where are we?
Gandalf: You are in Ithilien in the keeping of the King; and he awaits you. How do you feel?
Sam: How do I feel? HOW DO I FEEL! (cracks a smile) Pretty good. You?
Gandalf: (smiles back) Not bad, not bad.
Sam: (grinning broadly) Soooooooo... what's new?
Gandalf: Oh you know, same-o same-o. Wizard meets Hobbits, Wizard likes Hobbits, Hobbits save the world. The usual.
(Sam and Gandalf stare at each other for a moment, the burst out laughing)
Sam and Gandalf: (jumping up and down with both feet) WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT! WE DID IT!
Sam: HIGH FIVE! (they slap hands)
Gandalf: ON THE SIDE! (they slap again)
Sam: DOWN LOW!
Gandalf: (starts to slap, then stops and points a finger at Sam) Heyyyyyyy!
Sam: Almost got ya!
Frodo: Hey! Can't a guy get a little rest!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! How are you? Aside from your hand I mean.
Frodo: Cool and fruity Sam, cool and fruity. I've been up since dawn, but I fell asleep waiting for you ya big galoot! It must be getting on toward noon by now.
Sam: Noon! I missed breakfast, second breakfast AND elevensies! What day is it?
Gandalf: The fourteenth of the New Year, or if you like, the eighth of April in the Shire reckoning. But in Gondor the new year will always begin on the twenty-fifth of march when Sauron fell and when you lot were brought out of the fire to the king. Let's see, that would make it the Year of the Hamster in the land of the Haradrim, and it would be the Akabal of the Fourth Cycle of the Sacred Round in the Mayan reckoning and of course if you want to get. . .
Sam: (laughing) I don't! I don't! My Gandalf, it's good to know that some things never change!
(Bunnie)
Sam: You said something about a King?
Gandalf: Yes, it was he who tended you, healed you and basically fixed all your boo-boos. He's waiting for you to come feast with him.
Sam: What King? Who is he and where are my underpants?
Gandalf: He is the King of Gondor and Lord of the Western Lands, and he's taken back the 'hood. And your underpants are beside the bed with the rest of your clothes.
Sam: Yuck... are you going to make me wear those old things? In front of the King and all?
Gandalf: Yes, Sam, for they are nothing if not honorable.
Sam: You mean, they are nothing if not disgusting! But, whatever.
Frodo: What about me, Gandalf? Except for that cloak, I was kinda... well... nekkid.
Gandalf: Ah, yes. I have a surprise for you. Gwaihir spotted these on the way back out of Mordor. Ta-da! (whips out the orc clothes)
Frodo: NOOOOOO!! Not the corduroys!
Gandalf: If you're good, I might find you some other clothes later.
Frodo: (groan)
Gandalf: Meanwhile, I have yet more surprises. (rubs palms together gleefully) Ready?
(Gandalf reaches a hand toward Frodo's ear and pulls out...)
Frodo: (joyfully) My Phial!
Phial: Hey, Sweetie! Missed you. *mwah!*
(Gandalf reaches his other hand toward Sam's ear and pulls out...)
Sam: My box of dirt. Great. (sigh)
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: When they were washed and dressed, and had eaten enough food to keep a family of five for a decade ...
Frodo: Don't exaggerate.
Odd Narrator: ... to feed a family of five for nine years ...
Frodo: That's better.
Odd Narrator: When they were ready, the hobbits followed Gandalf out onto a lawn. There they heard the sound of falling water and a nearby, gurgling stream. In the distance they could see the shining expanse of yet more water.
Frodo: Gandalf, I just need to, er, nip back.
Gandalf: Whatever for?
Frodo: I need to, er, do something.
Sam: Me too.
Gandalf: Nothing really changes, does it? Go on, but make it quick.
Odd Narrator: Eventually, Gandalf and the hobbits came to an opening in a wood where they could see many shining knights and basketball players.
Guard: We're guards.
Odd Narrator: In vests and shorts?
Guard: We're off duty and ... well okay, we were just shooting a few hoops.
Knight: Shush. Look who's coming.
Knights: [Bowing] Ooooooo, We're so honoured.
Guards: [Bowing] Omygosh! Is it really them?
Odd Narrator: The hobbits were astonished, especially when one of the knights brought out his didgeridoo.
Frodo: Crikey, Gandalf. What's that?
Gandalf: He's just very pleased to see you.
Didgeridoo: OOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM
Odd Narrator: They covered their ears and quickly moved on until they came to open ground. Here they saw a host of soldiers arrayed in front of them, shaking their swords and spears.
Sam: Are they angry at us, Gandalf?
Frodo: Have we done something wrong?
Gandalf: Hush and listen ...
(Idril)
Song:
Live long and prosper Halflings! They are super guys!
Alflingshay uleray! Heytay arway hethay ombbay!
And they aren't at all gay -- neither Frodo or Samwise!
E'reway almostway ertainlycay ositivepay heytay aren'tway aygay!
Not that there's anything wrong with that!
Othingnay atwawy allway!
But they're just not!
Onenay ofway usway hinktay osay!
Let's hear it for the ringbearers!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHEEEEEEEY!
Howay invitedway hosetay Ohirrimray okelsya?
Oh don't be a snob! Hip hip hooray!
Oooooogay Alflingsay!
They are the bomb!
Ouya aidsay itway!
(Russ)
Sam: (whispers to Frodo) Dude! I am SO pumped!
Frodo: I heard that! And look at the banners and flags.
Sam: Yeah. I like the horse one the best, but the swan ship is pretty cool.
Frodo: Same here, but who belongs to that big garish one in the middle?
Sam: The silver and white and black one? With the seven stars and the white tree and the crown?
Frodo: It probably goes with that big garish fellow in the big garish armor with the big garish rock on his head.
Sam: Rock on his. . .heyyyyy, that's no big garish rock, that's a big garish puke-colored BERYL!
Frodo: Gasp!
Beryl: Well it's nice to see you too! And by the way, it's LIME GREEN! And a rather lovely shade I might add. Humph!
Sam: Well sufferin' succotash and shut my mouth! How'd that fellow get Strider's Beryl?
Frodo: Um, Sam. . .
Sam: (marching up to Aragorn) Look you, I don't know who you are. . .
Frodo: Sam, hold up. . .
Sam: . . .but that stone belongs to a friend of mine and . . .
Frodo: SAM!
Sam: What?
Frodo: Sam, that's Aragorn, the King of Gondor!
Sam: I don't care if he's Puff the Magic Dragon! He can't just up and take any old thing. . .Did you say Aragorn?
Frodo: Yup.
Sam: (sheepishly) Son of Arathorn?
Frodo: Mmm Hmmm.
Sam: (whispering) Last heir to the throne of. . .
Aragorn: (rises and crosses to Sam and Frodo)
Sam: . . .Gondor.
Aragorn: That would be me. Hi Sam.
Sam: squeak!
Aragorn: (laughs) Relax old man! You're among friends.
Sam: I'm sorry Stri. . .er, I mean A thousand pardons your Majestic Kingliness! It's just that you look so different in your new duds and all spiffed up and everything.
Aragorn: Oh this old thing? It's just something I picked up off the rack. The King's Wearhouse. They have the best service! I bought it on sale. They have them once a year and only once a year.
Sam: (raises his eyebrows)
Aragorn: Ahem. Yes, well, you've come a long way Sam, you and Frodo.
Sam: So have we all. And a long strange trip it's been! You know Strider, it's good to see you again.
Aragorn: (smiling) Yes Sam, It's good to see both of you again. Well, Let's get this shin-dig started shall we?
[Aragorn bows to the hobbits and, taking them by the hand, leads then to the throne and sets them upon it. Frodo to his right, Sam to his left.]
Aragorn: (to the assembled crowd) PRAISE THEM WITH GREAT PRAISE!
Crowd:
Hail the Halflings, tried and true,
Let us sing this praise for you:
BOOM! Shaka-laka-laka! BOOM! Shaka-laka-laka! WHOOOOOOOA BUNDY!
Sam: (teary eyed) Sniff! Sniff! Why that was just, just. . .beautiful!
Odd Narrator: Well it's about friggin' time! what? You think I got nothing better to do than to sit around here while you make up lines and take away some of my best stuff! The NERVE!
Anyway, when the cheering had died down, rose up and died down again, much to the complete and utter gratification of Sam's now quite gargantuan ego, a minstrel of Gondor came forth wearing dark glasses and a verrry cool fedora. . . And begged leave of the King to sing. And BEHOLD! He said:
Minstrel of Gondor: HELLOOOOOO GONDOR!
Crowd: ROAR!
Minstrel of Gondor: Are you ready to rock!
Crowd: YEAH!!!
Minstrel of Gondor: Are you ready to roll!
Crowd: YEAH!!!!!
Minstrel of Gondor: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?!?!
Crowd: Just get on with it already!
Minstrel Of Gondor: Ah, right, well, without further adieu. . .
Gonna tell you a story,
'Bout a Hobbit I know.
When it comes to valor,
Whoo! He steals the show!
He ain't exactly human,
He ain't exactly tall.
But when he left the Shire and he took the ring you could say he done it allllllllll!
He's a whole lotta Halfling,
A whole lot of Halfling,
He's Nine Fingered Frodo!
Nine fingered Frodo!
Nine fingered Frodo!
And the Ring of Doom. . .
Sam: Hey, This guy ROCKS!
Frodo: Yeah, but he looks kinda familiar.
Sam: Really? I don't think. . .Waiiiit a minute, that's not. . .
Frodo: Nah. Couldn't be.
Sam: Has to be someone else.
Frodo: Has to.
Sam: Still. . .
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: After the cool concert ended, and the crowd in a riotous party atmosphere began ripping up the stage and throwing lawn chairs everywhere for the joy and satisfaction of hearing rockin' good music; the crowd began crying great tears, because of the tear gas the Security of Rohan had to spray to make them disperse and calm down. The concert was over, the encores finished; the Minstrel had left the building. Growls from stomachs and the high sun verified that it was lunchtime and the party had only just begun. Aragorn rose, and everyone followed him in to the brand new Hobbit Pavilions to have a buffet lunch that was prepared for them, so they could party till the cows came home! Just as Frodo and Sam were about to be offered the first place in line, Gandalf pulled them aside into a small silver and blue striped tent, and servants came and took their clothes off.
Sam: Hey, watch it there...whoooo!
Servant #1: Just got to get you some new linens sir, the whole of the host were complainin' about the smell, though blessed be the clothes that bore you...
Frodo: [whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff...ZIIPPP...plop] YES! Take those Corduroys AWAHHHAAAY!
Servant #2: They are now the Holy Corduroys, that will be folded, and set under glass in the Museum of Gondor...strip down...yeah...even the Calvin Kleins have to go...
Frodo: Okay, but no peeking... uh, it's a little breezy...[flap of tent opens] WHOOO, hey a little privacy...Oh it's just you Gandalf...I guess you've already seen us both in the buff?
Gandalf: Yes, indeed, and I've brought you some new linens. I guess that idea about you wearing the nasty clothes wasn't such a good one. The hot sun, the rockin' minstrel concert, lots of alcohol, stinky heroes... Legolas hurled all over Gimli's boots, and he's as ticked as can be, threatened to give ole Leggie a haircut with the axe. SNORK.
Sam: I'd like to see that and no mistake!
Frodo: Oh gimme those clean clothes and what is tha...
Gandalf: Check it out, the mithril-coat, all buffed up and shiny... the elven cloak... we were going to take it to the dry cleaners, but Legolas said that it would shrink so I did a little spell and now it's all better, no stains or anything...
Sam: Oh, and the sword too, hey little Barrow Sword... missed you...
BS: [blush] Hey Sam! Heard good things about you from Sting...[blush]
Frodo: [snatch] I give Sting to you Sam, you know how to handle him...
Sting: Does he eveh...SAMBONE!
Sam: Uh, no...I couldn't...Bilbo gave him to you...and he matches the mithril coat...
Frodo: [nudge] No I want you to have him...
Sam: Well, uh, Frodo, I really think you should keep him, heirloom and all...
Sting: What is this? No one wants me now?
Sam: You sing too much.
Frodo: Okay FINE I'll take Sting, you keep the blushing Barrow sword then...[sigh] Destined to be harassed by inanimate objects am I!
Sting: Murder by numbers, One, Two, Three...it's as easy as...
Frodo: SHUT UP!
Sting: Fine.
Gandalf: Okay, let's just put these swords on, and I got some discount circlets of silver at the dollar store...Aragorn wants to keep his sense of stature, little ego thing.
Sam: This is Christmas tinsel.
Frodo: It's falling apart; I have little silver things floating all over my new outfit...
Gandalf: Oh please, no one will notice with the mithril-coat looking so fine...besides, they'll all be overjoyed at your lack of smell, no one will even notice.
Odd Narrator: So they were arrayed, and went out to the great banquet joining the King's Table, much to their relief, they were waited upon, and didn't regret the fact that they weren't first in line. Aragorn decided that, as they didn't want to offend any religious sensibilities, they would have a moment of silence to praise whatever folks wanted to praise, or thank or something so...
Aragorn: SHHHH!
(Bunniebugs)
Odd Narrator: Wine was brought after the Standing Silence.
Aragorn: Sh!
Odd Narrator: Huh?
Eomer: The Standing Silence... It ain't done yet!
Odd Narrator: Oh.
Eomer: And git yer BE-hind up outta that chair!
Aragorn: It is a "Standing" Silence, after all.
Odd Narrator: (sighs, gets up)
[There is a moment of silence]
Aragorn: Very well. You may continue.
Odd Narrator: (sits) Wine was brought after the Standing Silence, and two esquires came to serve the kings. One wore the silver and black of Minas Tirith, and the other white and green.
Sam: (whispers) Psst, Mr. Frodo, look at those two youngsters over there. Funny, them bein' part of this big army at their age.
Frodo: Hmmm... they look vaguely familiar.
Sam: If they weren't so tall, I'd be tempted to think it was Mr. Pippin and Mr. Merry. Wait, it IS them. Yo, guys, over here!
Pippin: (out of the corner of his mouth) Do you mind? We're working, here.
Frodo: What? No greetings for old and presumed dead friends?
Pippin: Look, we're knights of the City...
Merry: ... and of the Mark...
Pippin: ... and we have jobs to do.
Merry: We're serving kings, here, in case you hadn't noticed.
Frodo: But...
Sam: Not even a hug?
Pippin: (trying to ignore them) Later, 'kay?
[Frodo picks up a roll and flings it toward Pippin, where it bounces of his helm]
Pippin: [P-TOINK!] Hey!
Merry: (to Pippin) Watch it! don't let him goad you into anything.
[Sam picks up a potato and chucks it at Merry, hitting him in the arm]
Merry: Why, you... (starts toward Sam)
Pippin: (grabs his arm, shakes his head) Knights, remember?
Merry: (grumble, grumble)
[Frodo and Sam look at each other with wide grins. They each grab a carrot and lob it at their friends]
Sam: Bull's-eye!
Frodo: Whoo-hoo, right in the keester!
[Pippin plucks an apple from Aragorn's plate and hurls it at Frodo and Sam, narrowly missing them]
Aragorn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's it! Take five, you guys, okay?
Both: Yes, sir!
[Merry and Pippin tear over to Frodo and Sam and stop, staring ferociously down at them. For a moment they just stare at each other... and then Frodo and Sam pop up out of their seats]
Frodo: Group hug!
[The hobbits collide in a mass, of jumping, hugging hobbits, laughing and crying]
(merithehobbit)
Merry: I am so glad to see you two alive...I paced and paced up in Minas Tirith...
Pippin: And I thought when the Mouth of Sauron held up your underwear, well we pretty much gave up hope.
Merry: Oh like you had a lot of time to ponder, sitting squashed under that Troll?
Frodo: Hold on...HE had my underwear? Trolls squashing Pip? Uh...How come you are so tall? Do they have a grasp on nutritional values, and balanced diets in Minas Tirith?
Pippin: Well, no...still mutton and ale mostly but this [stands up tall] is a side effect from Entdraught.
Sam: Is that a drug?
Merry: Well, it is sort of...
Frodo: You two are on drugs now! Great, now I'll really get it back in the Shire for not keeping an eye on you two! Didn't you listen in school, see the commercials... [lowers his voice] the fried egg?
Pippin: Well, it isn't addicting...it was a drink...
Frodo [folding arms]: Uh huh.
Merry: Actually, I still have cravings...
Frodo: See?
Merry: I don't think it fries your mind... well Pip has been acting rather spacey...
Pippin: [licking his lips] We just saw pretty colors, and things were a bit out of proportion for a while...
Merry: Well you can't get the stuff anywhere but Fangorn, and from Ents anyways, and they're rarer than, well Ents.
Frodo: Well, I guess...
Pippin: [proudly] We really had no choice, but the growing part is permanent. [smiles] I'll be the most looked up to hobbit in the shire!
Merry: You will not... I will! I'm clearly taller than you.
Pippin: Will, not! [shove] I got us out of the Orc bonds...
Merry: Sure, but who killed the Witch King?
Pippin: Well, I got the Palan....no wait...
Merry: Pppllflffft! See you just got in trouble...that's why you got sent to Minas Tirith.
Pippin: Well if you hadn't been tagging along, uninvited... you wouldn't have been there for the bravery of EOWYN... who killed the Witch King... you just nicked his knee...
Frodo: What are you two talking about?
Sam: Apparently we weren't the only ones with adventures.
Merry: How was the trip to Mt. Doom then?
Frodo: Uh, a little tiring, couple problems with a spider and an Orc or two.
Sam: We had tag-a-long Gollum too, that was fun.
Pippin: And how was the Crack of Doom? I hear it is quite the hot spot.
Sam: Well you two could probably go on the rides, but it WAS really hot, I think I got prickly heat [shows off rash behind his neck]... and well, Frodo almost sacrificed his soul and blew it...
Frodo: Yeah, not my best moment, but luckily Gollum chomped the ring off my finger...well, my finger too...
(Bunnie)
Pippin: EEEWWW! NO WAY...lemme see...DUDE Where's your finger?
(meri)
Merry: What they didn't put it on ice and make you a miracle of medical re-attachment surgery?
Sam: Gollum was kind of hungry, rather emaciated at that point.
Frodo: We didn't have any ice anyway.
Sam: And then well, it kind of went into Mt. Doom with Gollum.
Pippin: Your finger is now dissolved in Mt. Doom then?
Merry: Didn't that hurt? And bleed a lot...?
Sam: Gushing...tendons sticking out, pretty gross. But as we pretty much thought we were going to die...I went ahead and tried to stop the bleeding on my shirt, 'cause I thought 'What the Mordor...it'll be stained forever... but I'll be toast soon anyway'. Good thing we got these new digs.
Frodo: Well, it did hurt, still is a bit sore, and weird, but I was kind of distracted by the fact that that stupid ring wasn't singing and yelling at me anymore, and then there was the noxious fumes, the unbearable heat and the hot lava...
Pippin: WHOA...hot lava!! Wow!
Merry: How 'bout the ride home on the Eagles, was that fun? I always wanted to fly, you know those dreams you have of flying?
Frodo: Uh, we were kinda unconscious.
Merry: Oh yeah.
Sam: Uh, it's a little sunny here, can we go sit under those whispering trees amid the fluttering leaves?
Frodo: But, they keep talking about me.
Merry: Who?
Frodo: The whispering trees.
Pippin: Now you're starting to sound like Legolas, he's had a rough time of it without AK.
Sam: What happened to AK?
Pippin: Killed in action...very self-sacrificing though, Purple Heart.
Merry: I guess we should all sit together and go over the whole story...so we all know what happened when and stuff?
Odd Narrator: So the four happy hobbits sat under the whispering trees, which took notes to whisper about them later, and soon Gandalf and then Legolas and Gimli joined them. They talked deep into the night, Frodo and Sam learning much of what happened after they left that evil day when Boromir kicked the bucket...er...I mean when the fellowship was broken... until at last they wheedled Legolas into telling of AK's last stand.
(Thran)
Legolas: (singing to the "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel)
She could kill with a blast
She could wound with her ammo
She could ruin your face with a casual whammo
And she never did lose her tenacious loyalty
She fought like an Elf
But she was AK-47 to me
She could lead you to orcs
She could slaughter them in the park
She could track down a deep black
Scary shadowy thing in the dark
Some screenwriters question the gender I'm giving her
But think what you like
She was AK-47 to me
AK... you took care of yourself
And you took care of me
And you would for all time
AK... then you killed lots of orcs
On the field where you died
And I am left behind
She would promise more power
Than the great Ring of Mordor
But she never would sing, chatter, sink you to boredom
She would bring out the best
And the worst I could be
I blame her end on myself
Cause she was AK-47 to me
AK... you took care of yourself
And you took care of me
And you would for all time
AK... then you killed lots of orcs
On the field where you died
And I am left behind
She was frequently kind
And she'd suddenly blush
She could do as she pleased
She was nobody's lush
But she couldn't be beaten
She died like a hero
Throwing shrapnel at orcs
She will always be mine:
She's still AK-47 to me
(Idril)
Sam: That's a bushel of adventures and no mistake. and some mighty fine singing too. But the way you two young'uns interrupt each other it'll take weeks to get the story straight.
Pippin: And then we'll have to lock Frodo up in a tower to write it all down. Otherwise he'll forget and Bilbo will be livid.
Frodo: What, we don't have video?
Pippin: Oh yeah! I forgot. Never mind then.
Gandalf: (checks his watch... shakes it... holds it to his ear) Hmmph. (looks at the moon) Well the King can perform near miraculous healing, but one doesn't get over severe dehydration, dismemberment, Black Breath and PTSD in a day. I think it's time for our ambulatory convalescents to retire.
Pippin: What?
Gandalf: It's bedtime for Frodo and Sam!
Pippin: Why didn't you say so?
Gandalf: I just did.
(BunnieBugs)
Gimli: Bedtime for someone else I know, as well. Come on, Pippin, off you go!
Pippin: But...
Gimli: (sternly) No 'buts,' mister!
Merry: [SNORK!] Buts...
Pippin: Aww, c'mon! I wanna stay up.
Gimli: I'm only doing this because I love you, you aggravating, worrisome little hairfoot! Speaking of which, if it weren't for your hairy feet, I would never have spotted you lying under that troll carcass, as good as dead.
Pippin: I was not dead!
Gimli: A darned good impression of dead! It was touch and go there for a bit... For awhile it even looked like the screenwriters might decide not to bring you back!
Pippin: Stupid screenwriters.
Gimli: Be that as it may, you've only been up and around since yesterday, and you still need your rest. So, pj's and teeth-brushing for you! And I'm coming to see that you do it!
Pippin: What about naked time?
Gimli: No, it's much too late...
Pippin: Please? Pretty, pretty please?
Gimli: (gruffly) Oh, all right... but only for a few minutes!
Pippin: Whoo-hoo!!
Gimli: (shakes his head) I'm just an old softie, I am! (sigh)
[Gimli and Pippin exit, Pippin stripping off his clothes as he goes.]
(Silarien)
Legolas: And I'm off to scout out the woods. This would make a great vacation area for elves. Nothing to mess things up; just small tents and a few picnic tables ... a shower block and loos, I guess ... maybe a shop and a bar, somewhere for the occasional cabaret. All in all, an ideal location for short or long breaks, to fish and swim in the Anduin.
And the kids could bring their buckets and spades; it's not far to the sea ... to the Sea!
(Idril)
Legolas: (singing to the tune of "Kokomo")
Avanthar, Araman ooo I wanna take ya
The Pastures of Yavanna come on pretty mama
Tirion, Lorien, baby spend the weekend
Near the Undying Lands
There's a place called Aqualonde
That's where you wanna go to get away from it all
Bodies in the sand
Tropical drink melting in your hand
We'll be falling in love
To the rhythm of a steel drum band
Down in Aqualonde
Avanthar, Araman ooo I wanna take you
The Pastures of Yavanna come on pretty mama
Tirion, Lorien, baby spend the weekend
Ooo I wanna take you down to Aqualonde
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
That's where we wanna go
Way down to Aqualonde
Odd Narrator: And thus singing Legolas wandered away.
Frodo: I didn't know Aqualonde rhymed with blonde.
Gandalf: It doesn't, really.
(merithehobbit)
Sam: Well, I'm pretty tuckered out...food overload, too much turkey maybe, but I need a nap [yawn]
Gandalf: Yes, yes, you two should be off to bed.
Frodo: I'm not sleepy. [yawn]
Gandalf: [herding Sam and Frodo off] Uh huh...
Frodo: How come I have to go to bed and Merry and Pippin don't? [yawn]
Gandalf: They've rested up and neither one of them got their fingers chomped off.
Frodo: [yawn] Well, it's not fair...I want to stay up later...
Sam: I don't, I'm tired.
Frodo: Brown noser.
Sam: Whiner.
Frodo: Gandalf! He called me a whiner...
Gandalf: And this would be wrong how?
Frodo: [pout]
Gandalf: Get to bed you grump.
Odd Narrator: And finally they zonked out snoring and rose perky as little flowers after an evening rain. They spent many days in Ithilien, and where they camped was really close to the secret hiding place of Faramir the Hottie. So Sam and Frodo spent may hours wandering around, trying to spy the Secret Beaver Narrator, but he was not to be found. Sam decided that the Secret Beaver Narrator must be hiding with the Oliphaunts, or he was imagining things on the whole quest thing, perhaps due to lack of food and rest. But when he learned that there were many Oliphaunts and several Secret Beavers who participated in both sides of the Siege of Gondor he searched out Pippin and Merry to hear the tale. It was long and confusing, as both friends were from different vantage points but finally Geraldo Iscarya showed up with a tape.
[Roll Tape]
Mary Lou: Okay, you're in focus, yeah...just wipe your mustache it has a little thingie hangin' okay...go.
Geraldo: And here we are on the battlefront. Slicing and dicing, and much blood and sinew flying all around us. The most amazing discovery we found was that here on the Pelennor Fields was the enemy's use of Oliphaunts.
Steve: Hey, now. You're a reporta', but for Oliphaunts, you need Animal Planet. [bumps Geraldo off screen and holds up a beaver] Now just look at this beautiful animal! She's a brown, and has such a soft skin, these beavers are such AMAZING creatures! Just look at the teeth...crikey! Ouch! Oohhh watch it there girl...almost lost a finger there folks.
Secret Beaver Narrator: You call yourself an animal expert, I am not a girl!
Steve: Crikey...you're right. This is a male beaver, and he's an active one at that. We caught him chewing mightily at the site of the massive Grond contraptions of the enemy forces. The enemy have creatively used the Oliphaunts to haul these machines towards the city to wreck the gates. We saved this little beaver from certain death as he dutifully gnawed at the Grond. Such dedicated animals are the beavers to risk death to help the folks of Minas Tirith.
Sam v.o.: This is all very interesting, but don't they have any pictures of the Oliphaunts?
Pippin v.o.: Coming up...the camera pans right over Merry too...look right there.
Sam v.o.: Where? I missed it.
Merry v.o.: Go back...you gotta see it...We were riding in...
Sam v.o.: Oh wait...there's the Oliphaunts! Wow, I don't think I would've believed I saw one if I didn't have this on tape too. Those coneys may have been tainted you know, being caught by Gollum and all. Well, I guess I couldn't have been everywhere at once, we were kind of busy during the battle and all.
[End Tape]
Frodo: Kinda.
Odd Narrator: As the friends spent time lollygagging around the rest of the host prepared to return to Minas Tirith. There was lots of military types coming and going, healing and packing, but mostly the hobbits ignored all this, and ate and talked about Frodo's finger. But once it got to be nearly May they all decided to get a move on and filled the minivans up and headed back to Minas Tirith.
Pippin: This time I get shotgun.
Merry: I think Frodo should have the car seat, I don't need a booster...I'm tall.
Sam: Wow, this one has the TV/VCR installed. Anyone got a movie?
Pippin: Yeah, this one's Aragorn's. He couldn't stand all the fighting and bickering we did on the way over and pulled off at Osgiliath to have it put in. I got to see all three of the first set of Star Wars, but Gimli MADE us watch all the Indiana Jones stuff, so I just slept.
Frodo: OOOHHH. Cup holders. You guys have it so easy. We had to walk to Mordor.
Aragorn: Okay, listen up! All you going in my minivan...stick out your tongues!
Hobbits: What?
Aragorn: Got a candy for ya!
Merry: Candy?
Pippin: AAAAAAAAHHHH!
Sam: Uh, Okay.
Frodo: Wait a minute! That's sleeping pills!
Aragorn: [looks away] No, they're candy.
Frodo: How come they don't taste like candy?
Aragorn: [looking at the antenna, and giving it a twang] No, it's candy, and enriched with vitamin C, B and Beta Keratin.
Frodo: You're doing the glancy eye thing...[yawn]
Aragorn: Okay, they're sleeping pills, but they should be kicking in...
Sam: SNORE.
Pippin: [Yawn]...ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Merry: [smack, smack] zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Frodo: Sleeping pills! We're not like kids you know...[yawn]
Aragorn: Uh huh...here's a pillow.
Frodo: [eyes droop] Thankszzzzzzzzzzzz.
Aragorn: [snicker]
Gandalf: I'm comin' with you!
Aragorn: SADDLE UP!
Gandalf: [sigh]
Odd Narrator: So they drove in a peaceful silence for most of the way home, Aragorn creatively finding ways to slip sleeping pills into the hobbit's food, and the Eve of May they camped outside the city...for Aragorn would enter the gates with the rising of the Sun.