(Silarien)
Sam: Here, Master, let me make you a pillow with this cloak, and we'll snuggle down together under the elven robe so nobody can see us. Have some water and waybread before you sleep.
Frodo: I'm too weary to eat. Can't we just have a cuddle?
Sam: No food, no cuddle. So EAT!
Odd Narrator: So Frodo ate, and the weary pair settled down for a fitful sleep. Morning eventually arrived, Sam awoke and arose as, out of the north, came a thin, cold hare.
Hare: Hello. Can I offer you some wine?
Sam: Uh ... Hello. Is there any wine?
Hare: No.
Sam: Then why ... Oh, never mind. I was just checking out the flat and featureless plains of Gorgoroth.
Gorgoroth: I'd prefer the terms 'smooth' and 'unblemished', if you don't mind.
Sam: How far away do you reckon that mountain is?
Hare: Looks like at least a thousand miles to me.
Gorgoroth: Stupid animal. It's about fifty miles.
Sam: FIFTY MILES! That will take us ages to get to.
Hare: At least a year, I should think.
Gorgoroth: Sheesh, it's March and that hare is clearly deranged. The journey will take about a week.
Sam: Well, I guess our food might just about last that long.
Gorgoroth: And what are you going to eat on the way back?
Sam: I hadn't thought of that.
Hare: Well don't look at me. I'm just a figment of the narrator's dyslexia.
Gorgoroth: And don't expect me to provide anything, being flat and featureless and all.
Sam: I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning. Looks like me and my master will die of starvation. That sucks. I was hoping to sh... see Rosie before I died.
Hare: You should have brought a wizard along with you. They're good for getting you out of scrapes.
Sam: We did. He was the first of us to perish.
Hare: You should have brought a GOOD wizard along with you.
Sam: He was a good wizard.
Hare: The evidence would appear to be contrary.
Sam: Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Odd Narrator: Sam's little face started to grow grim and hard. The muscles of his arms and legs began to bulge. He was becoming a creature of incredible bulk and strength that nothing could subdue.
Sam: GROOOOAAAAAARRRWLWLWWWAAA
Hare: Eeek. I'm outta here [hops away]
Sam: Hey, my enhanced vision reveals that the plains are all pocked, scarred and wrinkled.
Gorgoroth: Okay, so I've got acne and am not as young as I was. There's no need to get personal.
Sam: No, you misunderstand. I love you just the way you are. Lots of hiding places.
Odd Narrator: Sam returned to find Frodo lying awake.
Sam: I've just been talking to a hare and Gorgoroth. Aside from them, there's no-one around. I think we should get going, if you can manage it.
Frodo: I'll manage, but how about you? Are you ill? You're looking kinda green.
(Russ)
Sam: Sure is quiet out.
Frodo: That's easy for you to say, listen to this:(holds ring up to Sam's ear)
Ring: PUTMEONDAMMIT PUTMEONDAMMIT PUTMEONDAMMIT PUTMEONDAMMIT PUTMEONDAMMIT!
Sam: Crikey! He's gettin' to be a right nasty one that!
Frodo: Yes Sam, he is, but really, that's not the worst of it, the worst part is the #$<*&%$@ MONOTONY! It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. . .
Sam: Easy Sir, I get the idea.
Frodo: And together with all of this stinking crawling, trudging, plodding, shuffeling, stooping and stumbling, well Sam, I am just about done in. And why are you talking like that?
Sam: Sorry, I must've picked it up by accident.
Frodo: Really? Where?
Sam: Long story sir. Well, we might as well try the road, we'll just have to trust to luck like we did last time.
Frodo: And look where THAT landed us!
Sam: Hey! We're still alive aren't we? And we haven't seen an Orc in a coons age!
Frodo: Sorry Sam, I guess you're right. I'm just cranky from all this Mordorness around us. NO decent food, no decent water, no decent bums, present company excepted of course.
Sam: Of course.
Frodo: I just want to ditch this thing and go home.
Sam: I hear you Sir. Well, once were on the road, all we have to do is make a few more miles and then a bite and some rest will be in order. Now, let's rack off!
Frodo: Wha?
Sam: Nevermind Sir, just come with me.
Odd Narrator: And so they "Racked Off" down the road. And a long and cruel road it was. and as they disappeared into the falling night, the entire land went silent, for the movie was about to start.
Sam: Movie? What Movie?
Land of Mordor: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
Sam: A musical? Here?
Land of Mordor: Well we can't be all gloom, doom and harshness 24/7. Even a Cruel land needs a break once in a while. I just hope that EVERYONE HAS THEIR CELL PHONES TURNED OFF!!!!!!
Morgai Fence: Oops! Sorry.
Land of Mordor: Those suckers always go off at just the wrong time. I hate it when that happens!
Frodo: Someone there Sam?
Sam: Ah, no. Nobody but us hobbits Mr. Frodo. You just go on with your brooding, I'll let you know if anything pops up.
Frodo: Thanks Sam, you're too good. Brood-brood-brood...
Sam: C'mon you guys, keep it down okay?
Land of Mordor: Sorry.
Sam: It's alright, enjoy the movie.
Land of Mordor: Right. Later.
Odd Narrator: And so the on they went, deeper and deeper into the ever growing evilness that was Mordor. From time to time as they drowsed at night, they could hear the sound of many calliopes and Boy bands, or the swift passing of some cruel carnies. But worse than all of that was the brooding power of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. . .
Sam: Dvdkp?
Odd Narrator: No, Sauron!
Sam: Oh. The other guy's still pretty bad though.
Odd Narrator: yeah, but he's not really cruel so much as he's just obnoxious.
Sam: I guess you're right, carry on.
Odd Narrator: Thanks. Anyway, as what's-his-face sat brooding in dark thought and sleepless malice behind the dark vale about his cozy mountain retreat. . .
Big Red Eye: More cocoa anybody?
Nazgul: Me! Me! I want some!
Big Red Eye: Here you go.
Nazgul: Thanks, can we toast some marshmallows on you your Flaming Eyeness?
Big Red Eye: Sure thing, but watch the sticks! You remember what happened Last time! Ha-ha-ha!
Mouth of Sauron: I SAID I was sorry!
(Russ and Idril)
Big Red Eye: Don't worry campadre, no harm, no foul.
Odd Narrator: Um, like I said. . .malice. Oh man.
Big Red Eye: Now lets all have a sing-along: Kum bah yah my lord, kum bah yah. . .
Nazgul and Mouth: [MOAN] Not again!!
Big Red Eye: Well you people are no fun. Ta! If anyone needs me I'll be classifying my collection of rodent bones. [exits in a huff]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Day after weary day the hobbits treked East and South along the road that led to Barad Dur. Frodo sank into a dreadful state of misery and silence. He spoke little and shuffled along, bent and stumbling. If Sam questioned him, he would mumble a bit about the torment of the ring...
Frodo: It's singing "What if God were one of us? Just a slob like one of us?"
Sam: Oh poor Master!! Not Joan Osbourne!
Frodo: I'm afraid so. I just hope it doesn't start singing "Right Hand Man".
Ring: Huff! I may be evil... but I'm not that evil. Well actually I am, but whenever I sing it, it turns me green. Hey, do you like this one? "Ooops I did it again... I played with your heart... got lost in this game."
Frodo: <whimper>
Ring: Hey, I've got a great idea!
Frodo: What?
Ring: PUTMEON!
Frodo: <moan>
Sam: Look on the bright side, Mr. Frodo. It may be horrible and evil, but at least it's not Macaulay Culkin.
Ring: Oh, I can do Macaulay! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Oh, how about this one... "Your mom, my mom... what the hell? We'll both miss her." Which one do you like better, good Macaulay or evil Macaulay? I think I like the evil one better... more believable.
Frodo: Thanks for trying to help, Sam...
Odd Narrator: Sam was weary and fretted about Frodo's condition, but he was able to guide his master's feet and find hiding places at the end of each miserable day. He also found the stashes of water that the Culligan man had left along the road, which kept them alive in that most barren of lands. The lembas seemed to bring him strength, especially when he noticed that their last cache contained little notes in the leaf wrappers.
Sam: Mine says "If you do not care for each other, who will care for you?" That's neat. What does yours say Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Hmmm? I don't know.
Sam: Well let me see. Okay. It says "Neither fire nor wind, birth or death can erase our good deeds." Well it's not exactly a rosy one, but it's something to think on!
Frodo: Hmm... true.
Ring: They both sound stupid to me.
Frodo: That's because...
Ring: What?
Frodo:
Sam: I don't think we ought to follow the road anymore. It's swerving East and the mountain is due South of here. And once we turn South we're not going to get any more water deliveries. Drink up Mr. Frodo... we'll be dry soon in this wasteland. Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: <twitch>
Sam: <sigh>
Odd Narrator: They slept once more before staring south. Frodo sank into his nightly comatose state, but Sam dreamed restlessly of dimly lit places filled with smoke and guitars and old black men singing in gruff voices. He started awake in the darkness and seemed to see a gleam of green eyes in the night, but they disappeared before he could decide if they were real or just part of his dream.
(merithehobbit and Idril)
Sam: Wake up Master! Time for a new day of dreary walking and depressing landscape!
Frodo: [waking up yawning but perky] Oh! Okay... It's a beautiful day in the... OH #$%@! I forgot, we're in Mordor. [sigh] I just CAN'T... [sob]... Sam... [whimper] its... too heavy... the weight... the WEIGHT! [groan]
Ring: Again with the weight thing? This is getting to be insulting. I'll have you know I'm as svelte now as I was at 20.
Sam: Uh... Frodo... it's only about a gram...of gold... and annoying banter.
Frodo: WHY can't they have given me the stunt ring for this trip? WHY Oh WHY oh WHY? [sigh]
Sam: Well, how bout I carry it? I mean, she's a sassy one and all but I have been thinking up a few comebacks for the slutty thing.
Ring: Hey...you're just jealous because I can have multiple wearers and you're just limited to Rosie.
Sam: Why I oughtta [reaches for the ring]
Frodo: [wild light beams from his eyes] NO! MUAHAHAAA! It's MINE I tell you MINE! Don't touch me... [reaches for sword] Hey, how come you have Sting?
Sam: [eyes wide] Uh... well, you gave it to me...
Frodo: Well, you can't have the ring too. [light fades in his eyes] Oh... dangit... sorry Sam, I'm borderline obsessive compulsive/manic depressive, and definitely falling for the dark side... stupid ring.
Ring: Snicker.
Sam: Well, how bout we get rid of all this excess baggage we've been carrying around? I figure, being as we are pretty much up a creek with no water, and headed for hot lava and all, we might as well travel light.
Frodo: Good idea...I wanted some naked time anyway!
Sam: Do you think you should, your skin being so pasty white anyway, I'm sure these UV rays are more powerful here.
Frodo: [flings shield]
Shield: WHEEEE!
Frodo: Can we have some music here?
Sam: Oh...well, Baow chicka boom, BAOOWW!
Frodo: [dances sultrily around rock, peeping over the top and tosses the helmet]
Sam: Uh huh...Baow, chicka boom, BAOOWW!
Frodo: [bats his eyelashes, undoes his cloak and holds it in front of him as he dances behind it, then wraps it around Sam and tugs him over]
Sam: Whoo hoo...Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! DUH! AAAOOW!
Frodo: [snicker] Who'd a thought stripteasing was so fun!
Sam: [chuckle]
Frodo: [slowly undoes his belt, swinging hips side to side letting it and the sword hilt clatter to the ground] No more weapons for the ringed one! Whoo hoo!
Sam: [snork] OH... Baow chicka boom, BAOWW!
Frodo: [slinks out of corduroys, flinging them through the air]
Corduroys: [Whiiiffffy, whoooo, plop]
Sam: You go... uh... pretty boy!
Frodo: [tears his black Orc cloak shred by shred till he stands, pale pasty white skin casting a white glow for miles around]
Sam: AHHHHH! The glare! Where's my shades?
Frodo: Oh, it feels good to be free!
Sam: Well, bud... I hate to break it to you. Even though we are going straight across the evil, nasty land in a beeline to the molten lava, you might be a little less obvious to peeping Nazgirl eyes if you at least wear this grey cloak from Lothlorien.
(Russ)
[Frodo has just donned Sam's cloak when a a brief gust of wind kicks up]
White skin: SHEEN!
Sam: Whoa there laddie-buck! Mr. Frodo, I think you need a belt.
Frodo: (suffering from a really bad screenwriter-induced mood swing) Doom-doom-doom-mutter. Mutter Doom-doom doom. Mutter-mutter.
Sam: Don't worry sir, I'll have ya fixed up in a jiff. Let's see now, where did I put the. . .DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNN. . .rope?
Rope: I'm here, I'm here, let the bells ring and the crowds cheer!
Sam: There you are my pretty!
Rope: Hi Sammy.
Sam: (Eyes glazing over) So soft, so niiiiice!
Rope: You know what to do don't you sweetums?
Sam: Yesssss, dooooooo.
Rope: Right over left, form a loop. . .
Sam: (droning) right over left, form a loo. . .(gust of wind-SHEEN!) . . .NO! Sorry babe, but I'm gonna have to cut you some slack, if you take my meaning.
Rope: Huh?
Sam: (draws his blade)
Sting: Hello there Huckleberry.
Rope: GASP!
Sting: Long time no see.
Rope: No! Wait! Please, can't we talk about this?
Sam: Sorry but no. Frodo needs a belt more than I need you in one piece.
Rope: Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever. . .
Sting: It's go time!
SNICK
Rope: Ow! Hey, that didn't hurt a bit.
Rope belt: Mommy!
Rope: It's a boy!
Sting: You gotta be kidding me.
Sam: I thought things were wierd before, but this. . .
Sting: I hear ya big guy.
Rope: And it's perfect! Oh I am the happiest. . .mumphle gumbel wumph! (as Sam stuffs the remainder back into his pack along with his box of dirt and what was left of their food and water.)
Sam: Well, at least that is taken care of. Look what I've got for you Mr. Frodo! A new belt!
Frodo: oh joy. oh rapture. sigh.
(Meri)
Sam: OK....I'm strippin now...do I get music?
Frodo: Uh...save it for Rosie bud...I'm worn out.
Sam: [strips down anyway humming a little striptease music]
Frodo: I really don't want to seee...
Sam: Well, I doubt I'll ever get to do this in this lifetime, so just ignore me if you don't want to watch.
Rope: Baow, chicka boom, BAOOW! Duh,duh, duh, duh, duh,duh...
Sam: [blush] Oh rope... [blush] really now!
Rope: You're such a hottie Sam. Look at those biceps.
Sam: [blush] Well, I'm just getting rid of the extra gear...[splays out contents of pack] [tears up] DANG....I am going to miss my gear...no more clunking along to the rhythm of the cooking pots...sigh.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Besides his rope kept only their lembas and the water-bottle, Sting and the phial- Sam, no!
Sam: What?
Odd Narrator: Don't throw away your gift from Galadriel!
Sam: Oh right... I have to throw away my PANS but I'm going to keep a box of DIRT?
Odd Narrator: Just do it okay? It's important to the story?
Sam: Okay, whatever.
Odd Narrator: As Sam pulled his cooking pots from his pack he began to cry.
(Meri)
Sam: Hey, I just get all misty eyed...okay! [sniff] Frodo, do you remember that bit-o-rabbit I cooked up...when we met Faramir the Hottie and all those buff buddies of his...that seems like a long time ago...I saw that oliphaunt with the tutu...[sigh]
Frodo: Really? Did we film that part yet? I can't remember that at all, must be lack of food, or the darkness here in Mordor...or it could be that the stupid ring is turning me into a servant of the Dark Lord...
Sam: You don't remember that at all?
Frodo: Nope, I mean, I read it in the script, but I don't recall tastes, smells, even water or wind...all is dark...and I am naked...and it feels good! There's just me and flaming eyeball...burning night and day...I think my eyelashes are all singed now...I see it constantly...
(Meri)
Ring: YES! Going home to papa!
Sam: Actually, your eyelashes still look great, though you could use a little Visine...[gives his hand a kiss]
Frodo: EWWW! What'd you do that for!
Sam: I'm feeling hormonal and reflective today.
Frodo: Well, don't do it on my hand 'kay?
Sam: [ahem] Okay...I'll just chuck all this gear down this nasty stinking pit so that if Gollum ever catches up to us he at least won't have a weapon...or mess with my pots.
Frodo: Whatever, let's go to our doom..
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so FINALLY the pair turned toward the Great mountain and the last leg of their journey. None were there to see them as they set out upon the. . .
Rope Belt: Psst!
Odd Narrator: What?
Rope Belt: Wanna here a joke?
Odd Narrator: Not really, now as I was. . .
Rope Belt: Three strings walk into a bar, the bartender says, hey, can't you read the sign? It says no strings allowed! And he threw them out. So one string says to the other two, "We don't have to take that!" And he rolls himself around on the ground in the dirt and grime, getting unraveled and twisted, then he gets up and goes back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, Aren't you a string?" And the string replies, "No, I'm a frayed not!" HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!
.....
Rope Belt: Whooooieee! What a good one! I crack myself up!
.....
Rope Belt: Okay, please continue.
Odd Narrator: Thank you. Only the Nazgul could have seen Sam and his Master as they set out upon the final leg of their journey. But the Lord of The Dark Tower had them out picking up his dry cleaning and Chinese take out and so all the watchful eyes were turned away.
Sam: Lucky for us!
Odd Narrator: You can say that again!
Sam: Lucky for us. (snicker)
Odd Narrator: That was a rhetorical thing.
Sam: Oh, sorry, (snicker), suckersayswhat?
Odd Narrator: What?
Sam: Nothing, go on, you're doing fine. (snicker-snicker)
Odd Narrator: Are you making fun of me?
Sam: Me? Golly, no!
Odd Narrator: You shouldn't do that.
Sam: Why? What are YOU going to do about it?
Odd Narrator: This: They day went on and although they made much progress at first, the oncoming of the night began to sap all of their strength. . .
Sam: Ooo. All of a sudden. . .HEY!
Odd Narrator: Who's snickering now tater-boy!
Sam: Well, this looks like as good a place to stop as any. Now for a nice cool drink of wat...
Odd Narrator: Not so fast...
Frodo: Gasp! Water!
Odd Narrator: And so Sam gave one of the last mouthfuls of water to his beloved master, but for himself, he took none.
Sam: Wha? That's not fair!
Odd Narrator: Ha!
Sam: Sigh, I wish I was back in the Shire!
(Idril)
Sam: Water, oh water... I remember water. I remember all the brooks and streams and pools where Rosie and I used to go skinny dipping. Ahhh, water sparkling in the sun, so cool, so refreshing.
Odd Narrator: You swim?
Sam: Huh? No, I hadn't ever learned to swim. Why?
Odd Narrator: You said you went skinny dipping with Rosie.
Sam: Yeah... so what does swimming have to do with it?
Odd Narrator: Ummm... never mind.
Sam: So people do that in the water? Wow... that is kinky.
Odd Narrator: I said never mind! (SIGH) Sam, I don't know if you've noticed, but Frodo's getting... well...
Sam: What?
Frodo: Yeah, what if he was just a slob like one of us?
Odd Narrator: Well you remember your grandma... the one that kept wandering off and always called you Hobson?
Sam: Hey! Whatever you're trying to imply- Akk! Hold up there Mr. Frodo! Not that way!
Frodo: Oh hello. Who are you? Your eye is so tiny and it's not at all red.
Odd Narrator: Well, I'm just thinking he's not going to be able to go on much longer like this.
Sam: He's fine! Shut up!
Frodo: Can you tell me what "zigga zig aahh" means?
Sam: It's just a stupid song, Mr. Frodo. Come on, let's keep trudging.
Frodo: So where are we going?
Odd Narrator: Okay Mr. Denial. So what's going to happen when you get to the Mountain?
Sam: Dunno. I threw my script in the crevasse. The stupid thing must have weighed 15 pounds.
Odd Narrator: Well when you get there, do you honestly believe Frodo's going to remember what he came for?
Sam: Of course he will. Won't you Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Oh hello! Can you tell me what "zigga zig aahh" means?
Odd Narrator: Well?
Sam: (getting angry) I'm not a freakin' fortune teller! We'll see what happens when we get there! So just just up about it, alright!!
Frodo: I'm sorry.
Sam: <whimper>
Odd Narrator: The next day was worse...
Sam: Ahh! I have one last nerve left and you're getting on it!
Odd Narrator: What, you want me to lie?
Sam: It's just WORSE because we're getting closer to the mountain.
Odd Narrator: I was going to say that but you cut me off.
Sam: That's not cutting you off, THIS is cutting you off (draws Sting)
Sting: Whoa there! Come on guys... this ain't the time.
Sam: But he's always so $@%# negative!
Odd Narrator: Alright! I'm sorry! I was trying to get your plight across to the audience. I think in NORMAL movies the characters don't listen to the narrator anyway.
Sting: He has a point there, Sam.
Sam: But you don't understand! This is worse than anything I imagined. I came to help Frodo and protect him, but this is killing him. I feel like I'm dragging him back and forth through a camp fire.
Odd Narrator: I am sorry if I've made things worse. I'll try not to be so negative.
Sting: It's getting dark anyway. Stop and rest. Maybe a little lembas will perk you up.
Sam: Okay... stopping. But I can't eat any more without any water. Mr Frodo, can you eat just a little?
Odd Narrator: Frodo plopped down and shook his head no. Sam helped him find a relatively comfortable spot among the rocks to curl up as another night fell.
Sam:
Frodo: What?
Sam: Never mind, Mr. Frodo. You get some sleep.
Frodo: <sigh>
Sting: (quietly) What did it say?
Sam: (quietly) "Aure entuluva."
Sting: Oh my... it's been a long time since I heard those words. A very, very long time.
Sam: What do they mean?
Sting: "The darkness will not last forever."
Odd Narrator: Sam didn't feel sleepy and sat silent for several hours. When he realized that Frodo was being more quiet than usual he went to him and found that he was cold and trembling.
Sam: Come snuggle up Mr. Frodo. I don't have blankets for you but I think I'm running a fever... that ought to be good for something.
Frodo: mumble
Sting: You ought to get some sleep, Sam.
Sam: I know. I will.
[silence]
Sam: That's true you know.
Sting: What?
Sam: The darkness won't last forever.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: Morning's dim light found the hobbits sleeping side by side as the last day of their quest dawned.
Sam: (sleepily) What's that? Last day? (leaps to his feet) Whoo-hoo! You hear that, Mr. Frodo? Last day! Of course, that could be good or bad... Good, meaning we're finally finished, or bad, well... we're finally finished, if you get my meaning. (gently) Mr. Frodo? Hey... Time to make the fat lady sing...
Frodo: (groan) Okay, I'm up. (rolls over)
Sam: Ummm... not quite.
Frodo: I'm not? Okay, hold on... (struggles to feet, then drops to knees) How's this?
Sam: Close, but no cigar...
Frodo: Well, it'll have to do... (starts crawling up the slope)
Sam: (to himself) Oh, now that's just sad. If I had any liquid at all left in my body, I'd squeeze it right out in a tear just about now... (louder) Hold on there, Mr. Frodo! I have a better idea. Maybe I can't carry "It," but I can carry you!
Ring: "It!?" Well, I never! As if I were some inanimate object...
Sam and Frodo: You ARE!
Ring: Hmph!
Sam: Come on, Mr. Frodo, up you get, pig-a-back style, that's it. Now, let's see if I can stand under all the weight... Huh? Holy spumoni! If I couldn't feel you, I'd swear you weren't there! This is great! (starts climbing the side of the mountain, singing) He'll be comin' round the mountain when he comes, he'll be comin' round the mountain when he comes...
Frodo: (groan)
Sam: Sorry, sir, it's just... you're so much lighter than I expected!
Frodo: (mumbles) I'm glad... Different song?
Sam: You got it! (sings)
(Russ)
The road is long, with many a winding turn,
That leads us to, who knows where, who knows where.
But I'm strong, strong enough to carry him.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
So on we go. His welfare is my concern.
No burden is he to bear. We'll get there.
For I know, he would not encumber me.
He ain't heavy, he is my brother.
If I'm laden at all,
I'm laden with sadness,
That everyone's heart isn't filled with the gladness,
Of love for one another.
It's a long, long road, from which there is no return.
While we're on the way to there, why not share.
And the road doesn't weight me down at all.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
(BunnieBugs)
Frodo: (mumbles) Tha's nice...
Sam: I could do this all day!
[Awhile later]
Sam: (pant) Okay, maybe I could do this for half the day...
[Much later]
Sam: (gasp, wheeze) All right, I can't do this anymore! (gasp) Down you go... Oof! Down I go... Uhn! (pant, pant)
Frodo: (whispers) Thanks, Sam. Where would I be without you?
Sam: Oh, somewhere waaayyy down there...
Frodo: Bless you, Sam. How much further?
Sam: Well, could still be a long, long way. On the other hand, we could be really close. It all depends...
Frodo: On what?
Sam: On where the heck we're going!!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: Sam looked up at the mountain, then back down over the valley of Mordor, then back up at the Mountain.
Sam: Croak.
Odd Narrator: Allow me to translate being as our esteemed Heroic Hairfoot's throat is a tad parched: HOLY OUT-CROPPING! We're making pretty danged good time! This smoking volcano isn't nearly half as big and bad as it looked from below! And look at that, why someone left a perfectly good road away up here on the volcano. Why someone would want to go and do a thing like . . . Wait a sec. . .A ROAD!?!? HOT DAMN! Look Mr. Frodo Sir, it's a road! And freshly paved to boot!
Sam: Croak.
Odd Narrator: Don't mention it.
Odd Narrator: And now, speaking as myself again: And a road it was indeed! And not just any road, but Sauron's personal driveway and final approach to the smoking inferno and Sports bar of Sammath-Naur, the Chambers of Fire and the fiery heart of Orodruin. It was the very last stage of their journey, and not a moment too soon.
Sam: Croak-Croak. (You can say that again and no mistake!)
Odd Narrator: But even as the light of day began to grow, Sam found that he could go on no further and, needing a break, lay down beside Frodo. Neither of the two said a word, but as the day lightened, a powerful sense of urgency that Sam did not understand came over him.
Powerful Sense of Urgency: Now! Now! Or it will be too late!
Sam: (rising to his feet) Croak. (Who said that?)
Frodo: Rasp-croak. (I'll crawl Sam.)
Odd Narrator: And so like two grey insects, well, not EXACTLY like two grey insects, more like two very worn out little hobbits, which on this particular occasion, if you were to use your imagination, might be likened somewhat unto the appearance of two grey insects due to their relative smallness in relation to the size of the Mountain...
Sam: Croak! (GET ON WITH IT! Can't you see we're dyin' here?)
Odd Narrator: Ah, right. Well, anyway, step after tortured step, the hobbits wound their way along the road that spiraled up the mountain until at length it brought them around to face the east and swirling clouds of shadow about Sauron's fortress. Suddenly a gust of wind tore at the dark veil and the bitter spires of the uppermost tower of Barad-Dur was revealed to them in all of it's dark majesty. Visible but only for a moment, yet in that briefest heartbeat of a time, a red, piercing flame stabbed away to the north where the Captains Of the West were gathered to stand at the last against the Power of Barad-Dur. The Eye was turned away from Sam and Frodo, yet even the sight of it was terrible to behold!
Frodo: [Frodo's hand clutches madly at the ring] Squawk! Squeak! Squak!
Sam: Sqwak?
Frodo: SQUAK!!!!
Sam: Oh, SQUAK! [takes and holds Frodo's hand]
Croakity-croak-croak-croak!
(He's spotted us! Oh what the hell, We've been mostly dead all day anyway, might as well finish the job.) [picks up Frodo once again and starts walking]
Sam: Croak?
THUU-WHACK!
[Sam falls to the ground]
(Silarien)
Sporty Narrator: And the ugly, skinny contestant who has just leaped down from a rock, is winding up his opponent in the opposite corner.
Gollum: It'ss mine. Give it to me, Nassty, wicked cheat.
Sporty Narrator: Oh, and they're straight in there fighting. The audience looks taken aback at the ferocity of this match.
Sam: [Astonished]
Sporty Narrator: And Frodo "Wheel of Fire" Baggins grabs Gollum "The Worm" Smeagol in a Scorpion Death Lock ... Now The Worm has wriggled out and has Wheel of Fire in a Texas Clover Leaf. Ugh, that looks painful ... Wheel escapes ... He does a Spinning Heel Kick. YEAH! ... but The Worm responds with a Fishermanbuster. Oh, I can't look ... No, No, YES! The Wheel has The Worm in a Camel Clutch. GO WHEEL GO! ... And he's finishing with a stunning Piledriver, OUCHEE! ... The Worm is DOWN.
Frodo: And stay down, you creep. Your time is up.
Sporty Narrator: The Worm is on his hands and knees. I don't think the fight can continue.
Sam: Shut up, you fool narrator. LOOK OUT, FRODO! HE'LL JUMP YOU! Go, quick. I'll deal with Gollum.
Frodo: Yes, I'll go. Farewell Sam. This is the last round.
Sporty Narrator: What's this? Frodo "the Wheel of Fire" Baggins is leaving, and Samwise "the, er, Gardener" Gamgee is taking over. No-one mentioned that this was a tag match ...
(Idril)
Sam: I'll deal with you now, pond scum! (draws Sting)
Odd Narrator: And with a mighty swipe of his blade, Sam struck Gollum's head from his shoulders.
Gollum: SQUEAK!
Sting: Whoa narrator! Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?
Odd Narrator: HUFF!
Sam: He's just a little ahead! Oh, I've been wanting to do this for ages and ages.
Gollum: NOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo! Oh please don't kill me, pretty please!
Odd Narrator: Do it! Do it!
Sting: Oh look! He's groveling in the dirt. You can't kill him like that.
Odd Narrator: Sure you can!
Gollum: If Precious dies then I'll die too... and I'll turn into dussssssst! Just please don't hurt me with cruel steel!! [grovel]
Sting: Cruel? I'm on your side, bud!
Sam: Akk!
Odd Narrator: Hello! He's a lying, cheating, murderous traitor, remember?
Gollum: [grovel grovel] gollum
Sting: Awwww... his ribs are sticking out.
Odd Narrator: Time's a wastin'.
Sting: It's all that stupid ring's fault anyway. I'm just not going to do it. If you want him dead, then smack him in the head with a rock.
Rope: And don't even think of tying him up... icky poo.
Sam: Akk!
Phial: Oh I know, let's have a trial! I'll be the judge.
Odd Narrator: Well I hardly think there's time for that.
Box of Dirt: A trial? Oh boy, can I be the jury? I have my own jury box.
Rope: Oh that sounds like fun! I'll be the bailiff!
Sam: Akk! You all shut up! And Gollum... you.... you... JUST GO AWAY!
Sting: Yeah, go away or Sam will smack you in the head with a rock!
Gollum: SQUEAK (flees)
Odd Narrator: Oh well that's clever. He followed you all this way and now he's just going to go home. Riiiight.
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Where did you go?
Odd Narrator: So Sam lost all his remaining common sense and ran after Frodo. And OF COURSE Gollum came back and followed him as soon as he turned his back.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: Sam is struggled up the steep path toward the entrance to Sammath-Naur, leaving all of Mordor laid out behind him, over which a fat reddening sun hangs, bathing the dying land in a dim red light.
Sam: (huff-puff)
. . . knows an ant can't, (wheeze)
Move a rubber tree plant
But he's got hi-i-igh hopes. . .
[arives at the cave-mouth entrance, within is impenetrable darkness]
Sam: He's got hi-i-igh hopes. . .Hullo? Mr. Frodo?
(no response, Sam enters the cave)
Sam: (softly). . .High apple pie in the sky-y-y hopes. . .
(deep rumbling from within the mountain)
Sam: . . . squeak.
(pulls out Galadriel's vial, a tiny red light is blinking next to an inscription that says :"Low batt")
Sam: Figures. (goes further into the cave.) HELLOOOOOO! Is the there anybody in there?
BAH-WHUMP!!!
(a flash of deep red at the end of what seems to be a long cave or tunnel reveals a sign with an arrow painted on it that reads: Cracks of Doom, this way. The red light begins to fade. Sam goes on.)
BAH-WHUMP!
More red light revealing yet another, larger sign with the picture of a smiling orc holding a long stick. The sign reads: You must be at least this tall to go on the "Crack of Doom". Sam stands upon his tippy-toes and is just barely tall enough. Again the light begins to fade, and again Sam goes on.)
BAH-WHUMPITY-WHUMP-WHUMP-WUMP!
Sam: Gasp!
(a short ways ahead of him the red light illuminates a figure, standing at the very edge of the Crack of doom.)
Sam: Master!
Ring: PUT
Frodo: I have come.
Ring: ME
Frodo: But I will not do this deed.
Ring: ON!
Frodo: THE RING IS MINE!
BLINK! (Frodo disappears)
Sam: NO!
Ring: YES!
Sauron: D'oh!
Nazgul: What?
Gandalf: What?
Galadriel: (in Lorien) What?
Gaffer: (in the shire) What?
Ted Sandyman: I said down the hall and to the right.
Gaffer: Thanks.
Bombadil: Yawn.
Odd Narrator: Duck!
Sam: Huh?
(Aneya)
Odd Narrator: At that moment, Sam fell violently to the cave floor. He began to wonder if he should have paid more attention to that "Slippery When Wet" sign he had passed earlier. Unfortunately for Sam, it was actually Gollum playing Brutal Leap Frog.
Sam: [THUD!] That's goin' leave a mark. [fade to black]
Ring: IAMONIAMONIAMONIAMONIAMON
Dark Lord's Eye: Doopy doopy doo... F#*@in' A! Some little squirt has put on my ring! Ah BLOODY MANDOS!! [begins throwing itself against the wall] I'm such..[bang]..an idiot! [bang] I should have been..[bang]..paying more..[bang]..attention. [bang] I so royally..[bang]..suck right now. [bang]
(Russ)
Odd Narraror: And far away in the Tower of Barad-Dur and throughout His realm, the power of Sauron was shaken, not stirred and the tower trembled from the top of it's head to it's tippy little toes. Ha! Served him right if you asked me! What kind of an All-Seeing, All-Knowing Dark Lord is this guy anyhow? Someone whacks Shelob, tons of Orcs get killed, hobbit-sized mithril armor is found, and this Sauron character still pays more attention to the Army of the West than what's going on in his own realm! And then, when Frodo finally puts the ring on at the very Cracks of Doom, Sauron gets off his derrier and manages to "pierce" the shadows with his big red eye and sees what's going on. Can you say LOSER! Sheesh! And what about his palantir? Denethor could see what was going on and he was a crazy old mortal! But I digress. Let us just say that in a blinding flash, the folly of his ways was revealed unto him. Duh.Sauron: (banging his eye against the wall) STUPID-STUPID-STUPID-STUPID. . .
Mouth of Sauron: Houston, we've got a problem.
Sauron: STUPID-STUPID-STUPID-STUPID. . . .
M.O.S.: Um, excuse me your Flaming Red Opticalitudeiness. . .
Sauron: . . .STUPID!. . .what.
M.O.S.: There is still time sir if you send the boys to bag the hairfoot before he, well you know.
Sauron: Ya think?
M.O.S.: It's worth a try sir.
Sauron: What the hell, let's give it a shot. Send 'em.
M.O.S.: Right! (puts on head phones and picks up a mike.) Black tower to Spectre Leader, Black tower to Spectre Leader, come in. . .
(Meanwhile, back in Sammath-Naur. . .)
Sam: (sitting up) What the. . .
(see's Gollum struggling with some unseen foe)
Sam: I got a bad feeling about this. . .
Gollum: Give it to me!
Frodo: NO!
Gollum: It's MINE! Bilbo stole it from me!
Frodo: No he didn't, you just lost it and he found it and gave it to me! It's mine, fair and square!
Gollum: No it's not, it's mine! Now fork it over!
Frodo: Finders keepers, losers. . .
Sam: (sniffing the air) Um. . . guys?
Frodo: . . .weepers. Not now Sam, I'm a little busy at the moment.
Sam: But Sir, You-Know-Who knows about the you-know-what and he's sending them to bring it to him.
(Frodo and Gollum stop fighting)
Frodo: Wha?
Gollum: Ruh-roh!
(the two look at each other)
Frodo: You know Gollum old friend, perhaps I was being a bit hasty. Upon further consideration, I think you should have the ring after all.
Gollum: Oh, no, I couldn't possibly. . .
Frodo: No really, go ahead. I've got plenty of rings leftover from Bilbo's stash, what's another more or less.
Gollum: Really that's alright, I had it for 500 years, that's enough for any mortal, you keep it.
Frodo: I insist.
Gollum: I can't, it's too much. Thanks anyway.
Frodo: Take it!
Gollum: NO!
Frodo: (Reaches for Gollum's throat) Why you little. . .I'm gonna stuff it down your throat!
Gollum: (Slams mouth shut) CHOMP-gulp. Ewwww! Yuk! Tastes like coney!
Ring: Whoa! Who turned out the lights!
Frodo: Blink!(Becomes visible.) YEEEEEOUCH!
Sam: (Whistling, casually sticks out his foot) Look! It's Elvis! Hey King!
Gollum: (looking around) Wha?
Frodo: (Gives Gollum a little shove)
Gollum: (trips over Sams foot, and for a moment is standing in thin air over the chasm, holds up a sign that reads: "YIKES!" Flips it around to read: "'Bye" And, waving with the other hand, disappears into the Cracks of Doom.)
(Silarien and Russ)
Ring: Drat! Oh well ... Wheeeee. Looks like I'm finally falling for you, Smeagol. Nothin' gonna part us now.
Smeagol: That's a good thought to end on, Preciiiooouuusssssss ...
Hissssssssssssssss
Mount Doom: [BURP!]
(Russ)
Frodo + Sam: High Five! (slap hands, Frodo faints. Sam picks him up and carries him towards the door)
Sam: GASP!
[zoom in on Sam, cut to Sam's Vision]
Odd Narrator v.o.: And Lo! Sam beheld a swirling cloud! And in the midst of it were flying farmhouses, emerald cities, yellow brick roads, and giant flaming eyeballs in tall pointy hats and monkeys with wings! And, of course, oliphaunts. Don't ask me why, this is Sam's vision. And then all passed and the house came to rest upon the pointy-hatted one, and then Sam saw a vision of Frodo with pony tails, wearing a dress and ruby slippers, lying in a bed saying "there's no place like home, there's no place like home, and the smiling face of Auntie Em.
Then the ground began to tremble, cracks opened, balloons were released, pigs flew, chickens came home to roost, the moon turned blue, and all the land of Mordor began to shake, rattle, and roll!
Nazgul: Mayday! Mayday! Mayd. . .
(Bunnie)
Frodo: It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
Sam: Master! Oh, Master, is it really you? (falls on his knees and hugs Frodo's legs fiercely)
Frodo: Yes, Sam. No more bloody talking Ring, no more frikkin' flaming eyeball, no more screeching Nazgirls (shudder). Funny... it almost seems too quiet...
Sam: I'll make all the noise you want, sir, just you say the word! I'll sing, I'll laugh, I'll cry... heck, I'll even insult you if it'll make you feel better! (stands up) But oh, your poor hand! That's gotta hurt... Sorry to let you bleed everywhere and all, but I'm fresh out of band-aids! And we can't even put your finger on ice and take it to an Emergency Room, 'cause Gollum took it with him, curse him!
Frodo: Now, Sam, if it weren't for Gollum, that stupid Ring would still be yammering in my ear. I came all this way to chuck that sucker into the fire, and could I do it? NO-OOOO-OO! For once in his lousy, miserable existence, Gollum actually did something right. So, let's hear it for Gollum: HIP, HIP...
Sam: Awww... do I have to?
Frodo: Credit where credit is due, Sam!
Sam: Oh, this is just wrong. (sigh) All right, go ahead.
Frodo: HIP, HIP...
Sam: hooray.
Frodo: If the world's going to end, I'm glad we'll be together when it does. Sam, my lad, it's been an honor serving with you.
Sam: Right back at ya, sir!