(Bunnie)
Phial: (to Sam) Um, Sam? Sweeting? You might want to put me away... Kind of a beacon, and all.
Sam: Oh, right. Thanks! (stuffs the Phial back in his tunic.) Run, run, Mr. Frodo! Whoops--not that way--don't want you pulling a Wile E. Coyote over the cliff! Quick, this way!
(Idril)
Frodo's corduroys as he runs: Whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: They fled down the road from the gate and around a bend, out of sight of the Tower. For the moment, they had escaped.
Hobbits: (pant, wheeze, gasp)
Nazgul: (perching on the wall beside the broken gate) SHHHHRRRIIEEEEEEEKK!!!
Echoing Cliffs: SHHHHRRRIIEEEEEEEKK!!!SHHHHRRRIIEEEEEEEKK!!SHHHHRRRIIEEEEEEEKK!!
Frodo: Yikes!
Sam: Holy socks!
Odd Narrator: Terrified, they stumbled on.
Frodo's corduroys: Whiff whiff whiff whiff...
Sam: (panting) Mr. Frodo... sir?... Don't mean no... disrespect, but... do you HAVE to make that noise?
Frodo: (grits his teeth and glares) YES!
Sam: Oh. Okay...
Odd Narrator: When the road bent eastward again, for a moment they could see the tower and the black shape upon the battlement. Then they were between rock walls and the path joined the Morgul-road.
Frodo: Sam, this isn't gonna work. Real orcs would run toward the Tower, not away from it. Makes us kinda obvious! We've got to get off this road.
Sam: Well, unless you know where we can get some Pixie dust, there's not much chance of that!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam ran down the hill from Cirith Ungol towards the Morgai road that led to a stone bridge crossing the sheer cliff sides of Ephel Duath! And if that wasn't enough interesting "place" vocabulary words for you, once they high tailed it with Moria-like speed across the bridge, they were down in a trough, cut off from the glare of Orodruin, known to normal folks as Mt. Doom. The nasty tower loomed high behind them, and just to make things extra scary and creepy for our two heroes, it's harsh bell clanged and pealed, horns sounded and answering cries came from incoming Orcs.
Sam: GALADRIEL'S HAIR and CELEBORN'S SKIRT...Frodo, I hear Orc feet and horses approaching!
Frodo: [WHIFF, WHIFF, whiff, whiff....w...h...i...f....f......w.....h......] You're right! Gee, let's jump off the bridge!
Sam: What? NO...I won't allow you to commit suicide NOW, after we've come so FAR, and I worked so HARD to get you dressed again!
Frodo: NO! Sheesh! I may be doomed and depressed, but the adrenaline is going...check it out Bungee cords!
Sam: Cool!
Odd Narrator: The two quickly tied the bungee cords to each other and tossed themselves over the side just seconds before the horses and Orcs rushed over the bridge, passing the bouncing bungees unnoticed. Frodo boinged a few times before noticing he was only feet off the ground and he was stuck, hanging like a cute blue eyed pendulum that whiffs as it swings.
Frodo: HEY! Stop making fun of my pants!
Odd Narrator: [snicker] Sam on the other hand had been tied to the bungee cord by Frodo, who barely passed his rope tying merit badge and after the first boing he came undone and landed with a crunch in a thorny bush below. After waiting for the sound of Orcs to pass Sam ventured a whisper.
Sam: Dangit Frodo, now I need a Band-Aid...I told you to STUDY rope tying...[sucks bleeding hand]
Frodo: What? You mean your bungee didn't hold? Maybe it broke?
Sam: No...it didn't break, it came undone...and now I'm in a bush of stickers!
Frodo: Really...what kind of stickers...are there any Star Wars ones?
Sam: NO! Not that kind...the kind of stickers with thorns and needlelike sharp edges that get under your skin! I wish I'd brought some mail!
Frodo: Well, when you unstick yourself, do you think you can get me down?
Sam: Just a sec. [pick, pick, scratch, plop, ugh, OOUCH, tromp] Stupid bush!
Odd Narrator: Sam climbed on a little rock just below Frodo and got out Sting who sliced the bungee cord, causing Frodo to come falling down, crashing them both into the sticker bush.
Frodo: Oh, MAN, you're right [ouch], lotsa pokie sharps here!
Sam: [whimper] That hurt, now I have a thorn colony in my bum!
Sticker Bush: MUAHAHAAAA! Just try and escape my embrace.
Sam and Frodo: [struggle, rip, tear, ouch, oooohh, aaakkk, tip toe--ouch, rent, shred, flail, rippppppp]
Sam: We made it out of the sticker bush!
Frodo: look at my poor corduroys! They're all snagged and fuzzed.
Sam: But do they still "whiff"?
Frodo: [walks] [whiff, whiff, whiff-turns-whiff, whiff, whiff,] Yeah, they're okay...but this leather jerkin is ruined...well, it stinks anyway.
Sam: Uh... could you help me get this thorn colony exterminated?
Odd Narrator: So Frodo, with his piercing blue eyes, de-stickered Sam's bum with the tip of Sting, who glowed just enough to give him light enough to do the job.
Sam: Okay, now don't go tellin' everyone that you had to de-sticker my bum...as if I didn't have enough trouble with the gay rumors.
Frodo: I wont tell if you wont. That's all I need, the word to get out about me de-stickering you... then I'll never lose my virginity. [sigh] Well, let's head into the valley and then north... got the compass?
Sam: No! I thought you had one in your Orc Helmet.
Frodo: Well dang, I guess we'll have to go by the sun and stuff... wait... there is no sun, nor breeze, nor light.
Sam: Let's just scramble around in the dark for a while and get all sweaty kay?
Frodo: Sounds like a plan.
Odd Narrator: So they scrambled and groped, stumbled and clambered over rocks, briars, wood and through the creepy shadows down until they hit the bottom, and they collapsed in a sweaty heap behind a boulder.
Sam: If Shelob herself were to give me a glass of water I'd shake one of her legs.
Frodo: [snork] Don't say such stuff, she was creepy as all get out! Besides, it only makes it worse. I am already dizzy and weary! [sigh]
Sam: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Frodo: SAM! Wake up! Geeze! I am supposed to be the narcoleptic here! C'mon lets scramble.
Sam: Whoa...wha! I guess I just nodded off...whoa, who'd a known...I'm turning into my dad!
Frodo: [snork] More like Bilbo.
Sam: I guess my time clock is all messed up, with the dark days, and sleepless nights and all. When I get back I'm really going to have jet lag.
(Idril)
[trudge trudge trudge]
Frodo: Bywater Pool, The Water, Stockbrook, Thistle Brook, Shirebourne, Brandywine...
Sam: Miss Galadriel, just send water, please? And some sunlight? Pretty please? And some water? I appreciate the box of dirt, but it would go much better with some WATER.
Frodo: Hoarwell, Loudwater, Sirannon, Nimrodell, Celebrant, Anduin... akk! Nazgul! [cower]
(Russ)
(later)
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: No.
Sam: Is it gone yet?
Frodo: N-, oh wait, Yup.
Sam: Cool. (rises and looks around) Whoaaaaa, hey Mr. Frodo, get a load of this!
Frodo: Yeah?
Sam: The darkness is lifting! It's the sun Mr. Frodo, the sun!
Frodo: Yay, yippee, yahoo, the sun is out, whoop-dee-freakin'-doo.
Sam: Why this reminds me of an old song my old, dear Gaffer used to sing to me when I was a lad!
Frodo: Please don't. . .
Sam: I can see clearly now, the rain has gone. . .
Frodo: Sigh.
Sam: I can see all obstacles in my way. . .
Frodo: Don't look now but. . .
Sam: Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. . .
Frodo: NAZGUL! TWELVE O'CLOCK HIGH!
Sam: It's gonna be a . . .Huh?
Frodo: Here he comes. . .
Sam: And there he goes.
Frodo: Wow, that was weird, he wasn't even scary.
Sam: I think I heard him crying.
Frodo: Yeah, me too. What's up with that?
Sam: I smell VICTORY! I heard old Shagrat say that the war was almost won, but old Gorbag had his doubts. I think he might have been on to something! Things are looking up I tell ya! Don't you just feel like dancing?
Frodo: In a word, no.
Sam: Aw come on, this has to give you some hope, doesn't it?
Frodo: Sam, I have been tied, beaten, bruised and battered. I am dead tired, hungry, thirsty, dirty, smelly, and I have this, this, THING hanging around my neck like a lead anchor and I'm traveling through the worst lands in all of creation filled with legion after legion of all sorts of terrible creatures, not he least of which is the Dark Lord himself. Who, I might add, would like nothing better than to see me skinned and boned with my head on a stake and all of this in order to throw a stinking ring. . .
Ring: Hey!
Frodo: No offense.
Ring: Okay.
Frodo: . . .into an ACTIVE volcano! So no, I don't have a lot of hope. I am alive though, and I suppose that count's for something.
Sam: You're darn right it does Mr. Frodo sir! It means we've got a chance!
Frodo: And do you have to be so DAMNED CHEERFUL! Who ARE you anyway? Tony Robbins?
Sam: Tony who?
Frodo: Forget it.
Sam: Well, at least we can see where we are going now, so that should help a bit, and even without some water, we can at least munch a bit of lembas. That should help us out a little anyway.
Frodo: Thanks.
Sam: It' gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day!
(Idril)
Sam: trudge trudge trudge
Frodo: whiff whiff whiff
Sam: Do you think we should be going North? Isn't Mt Doom over thataway?
Frodo: We're going this way to throw the enemy off our trail.
Sam: But we're on the enemy's trail.
Frodo: See? That'll confuse 'em.
Sam: Works for me!
Odd Narrator: Just then the hobbits saw the oddest sight they'd ever seen since Tom Bombadil. It was a Culligan delivery van weaving its way along the narrow path. It screeched to a halt in front of the exhausted hobbits and an rather muscular elf hopped out and unloaded a five gallon bottle of water.
[plunk]
Culligan elf: Hi, here's the water you ordered.
Frodo and Sam: [gape]
Culligan elf: Let's see (consults notebook) You're scheduled for weekly deliveries, but... but I'm taking off a few days next week. Is the 21st good for you?
Frodo: I... umm... suppose.
Culligan elf: Super! See you then. Have a great Culligan day!
Frodo: Wait! You wouldn't happen to have a smaller container, would you?
Culligan elf: Oh right! Silly me... (give Frodo a dozen little paper cones) here you go! Well, Buh buh! (hops in van and peels off)
Sam: Woohoo! Water! Light, now water. Isn't Galadriel grand!
Frodo: Indeed! How many wishes did you get, Sam?
Sam: Well three, of course.
Frodo: Cool! Quick, wish us up a Humvee or an Apache helicopter or something.
Sam: No can do, Mr. Frodo. I used my other wish to get a peek at her knickers.
Frodo: Rats! <sigh>
Sam: But it was worth it. I wouldn't change that wish for all the Humvees in Middle Earth, if you get my meaning.
Odd Narrator: They drank their fill, but of course they couldn't carry the large Culligan jug with them. So they rested for a bit and drank again and filled Sam's water-bottle to the top before they trudged on. Frodo then decided that it was time to turn East and cross the Morgai, so they scrambled up through some scrubby trees and brambles and swarms of unhappy flies that were looking for something to eat besides trees and brambles.
Sam: ow
Red Eye the Fly: Hey, this don't taste like orc.
Sam: ow
Red Eye the Other Fly: You're right... it's kind of sweet.
Sam: ow
Red Eye the Other Fly: Mmmmm... tender too.
Sam: ow
Red Eye the Fly: Ick! Too rich for me. Tastes funny... like one of those carnies.
Sam: Hey!
Red Eye the Fly: Sorry, I just prefer orc.
Odd Narrator: They scrambled up and up until Frodo pooped out and then they hid under some brambles for the evening. After they ate, Frodo fell asleep and Sam sat worrying about their food and water for a while. When it was dark he scrambled out of the brambles and looked around.
Star: Hello! What are you doing in the Dark Land?
Sam: Oh a star! I haven't seen a star in ages and ages.
Star: I know. Mordor's always so nasty and polluted, it's hard to peek through. But I'm always around whether you see me or not.
Sam: Are you a wishing star?
Star: No, I'm just very pretty and twinkly.
Sam: Then you are a wishing star, because I was wishing for something pretty and twinkly.
Star: <blush> Oh you're so bad! <giggle> See you later!
Sam: Bye for now! (smiling) Well enough worrying... time to get some sleep.
(Bunnie)
Odd Narrator: Sam and Frodo woke together, hand in hand.
Sam: (yawn) 'Morning, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: (mumble) Mng, Sam...
Odd Narrator: (pregnant pause) Oh, come on. We're not going to let that one slide by, are we?
Frodo: (sleepily) Hmmm, wha-?
Sam: (rolls eyes) There's nothing wrong with a little hand-holding. It doesn't mean anything.
Odd Narrator: (lifts one eyebrow)
Sam: Look, we're on a perilous quest, okay? We're hanging on by our fingernails in this evil place! And you've seen Mr. Frodo's fingernails... We're prob'ly gonna die, and all we have is each other. Can't you just give all the innuendo and snickering a rest?
Odd Narrator: (raises the other eyebrow)
Sam: (sigh) I suspected as much. Doesn't anyone get tired of it but me?
Frodo: (groan) I'm tired, too, Sam.
Sam: (concerned) Oh, Mr. Frodo! Didn't sleep well? Or was it this guy? (glares at Narrator, who looks skyward in mock innocence)
Frodo: No... Evil dreams... fire... (shudder) But I feel a bit stronger. I can go on.
Sam: (brightly) Well, then. A bite and a sip first, and then we'll get on with it.
Odd Narrator: They went up the ravine and reached a steep slope of sliding rock. Finally, they found a spot where they could scramble up to the top of the Morgai, which was barren and desolate.
Thorn Bush: No way I'm livin' up there!
Scraggly Grass: Huh uh! Bad neighborhood.
Odd Narrator: Passing between two dark crags, the hobbits found themselves looking down on the inner plains of Mordor.
Sam: Whoa, that's quite a drop! Must be fifteen hundred feet down.
Frodo: (softly) Look at it, Sam. Gorgoroth. The very land smokes and reeks.
Gorgoroth: Hey, (cough) I resemble that remark! (wheeze, ooze)
Sam: I think if I'd seen the travel brochure, I might have had second thoughts about coming.
Frodo: And there's Mount Doom. The Ring's doom. My doom.
Ring: What? Where? Did I hear my name? Where's Daddy? Suddenly I have a very bad feeling.
Frodo: And somewhere over there is Barad-dur, where the Dark Power plots and plans...
Ring: (brightens) Oh, there's no place like home!
Odd Narrator: Inside Barad-dur, the Great Flaming Eyeball paces nervously (no, I don't know how an eyeball can pace), muttering and worrying.
Sauron: That obnoxious little upstart King-wannabe! What a greasy, sorry excuse for royalty, with his little pointy sword, trying to scare me. Of all the unmitigated gall! I'll show him... just gotta figure out how.
Odd Narrator: So distracted was the Dark Lord that he was unaware of the two small figures that gazed down at his burned, dead land.
Frodo: Well, if you keep pointing us out like that, he's going to notice us.
Odd Narrator: Sorry. I'll whisper next time.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Look at all the encampments! There are tents for miles! Armies upon armies. And all those black shapes crawling about... Gives me a creepy-crawly feeling, like it's some huge nest of insects.
Frodo: Oh, ew! Ew, ew ew! Thanks a lot, Sam. As if the fire nightmares weren't bad enough, now I'm gonna be having bug ones, too!
Sam: Waaaiit. Those are men, not orcs. Which means there must be food and water nearby. Not that it matters, I guess. There's no gettin' down there, and if we did we'd be spotted for sure.
Frodo: You're right. Let's just go back home.
Sam: (incredulous) What? Now?
Frodo: Ha! Psyche! Once for flinching. (punches Sam's arm)
Sam: OW! Hey!
Frodo: Anyway, this is pretty much what I expected. We knew it was gonna suck, and it does. In spades. But I've still got to try. A hobbit's gotta do what a hobbit's gotta do... yada yada... So let's stick with heading north and see what it's like where the plain is narrower.
Sam: <snort> Where it's narrower, the Orcs and Men will just be packed tighter. Duh!
Frodo: (chiding) Sam. And you're supposed to be the optimistic one!
(Russ)
[later]
Frodo: Okay, that's it! I've had enough. I'm going back down, screw this!
Sam: What?
Frodo: This-this. . .PLACE! First we had to deal with rocks, boulders and thorny brambles. No water, to shelter, nada. Then came the ridges with their stinking crags and cliffs, all jagged, ragged, jutting and sharp, not to mention the ravines. I HATE ravines! But this is simply too much.
Sam: WHAT is too much?
Frodo: These, (gestures ahead), the GHYLLS!!! I may never have heard of one before and I may not know what they are, and I may never even find out, but I DO know this: I am NOT going to cross them! It is simply the last straw! I'm going to go back down and follow the old water course. You can come with me if you want to Sam, but either way I'm going. Because when it comes to these stinking ghylls, I have Had Enough Forever!
Sam: Oh, so THAT'S a ghyll. Yeah, they do look pretty nasty, one might even say "ghyllish". I'm with you Mr. Frodo, I don't know why anyone'd want to try and cross one of them things. Why if my Gaffer were here, he'd have a thing or two to say about them he would!
Frodo: I'm sure he would Sam, now let's go.
Pervy Odd Narrator: And so our two cute little hobbits, with their cute little hobbit bums, and their big Hobbit-feet, (tee-hee), made their way down the ravine...
Frodo: Grrrr...
P O N: Awwww, poor little Frodo, Here, let me help you...BLINK... And then they were at Orodruin and the pits of Mount Doom. Better?
Frodo: WOW! Yes, much. Thanks, how can I ever repay you?
P O N: I thought you'd never ask! Well first, you can get rid of those nasty orc cloths, then, you can come over here and mmmphle...bumfle...friple
[The Screenwriters would like to apologize for the interruption of the storyline. It seems that a fanatical "Pervy Hobbit Fancier" was able to elude our security perimeter and pass through our scanners undetected. Said PHF has been apprehended and is even now being escorted from the premises. Once again, we apologize for this inconvenience and now we return you to your regularly scheduled parody]
BLINK-BLINK
Odd narrator: ...ravines.
Frodo: Aw crap. Sigh.
(a mile or so later)
Sam: I don't like the looks of this...
Frodo: What'cha got Sam.
Sam: Orc stronghold, about a half a click to the northeast. Looks quiet.
Frodo: Affirmative on that. Okay then, we move, two meter spread, alternating cover formation, no talking. Go!
Odd Narrator: And, exercising great skill and care, the two successfully avoided being detected by the uninhabited orc village.
Frodo: Okay, we made it, you can breathe again Sam.
Sam: (face blue) PHEEEEEWWWWWWWW. Thanks sir, it was getting a little hairy there.
Frodo: Don't give it ano. . .DOWN! QUICK!!
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: Arrrrr! 'Taint no use I tells ya! I've lost me scent thanks to you! 'Sides, ee's gone up into the hills, not down inta th' valley you croaker
Great-Big-Buffed-Nasty-Looking-Orc: Arr 'n avast ya mangy critter! Ye good fer nuthin'-scent losin'-snot-nosed-snuffler! Arr, I'll use me own eyes instead of yer great fat nose, ARRRRR!
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: Arrrrr! Well maybe I MIGHT be able to foller a scent if'n you lot would try taking a bath once in awhile! Arrrrrr!
Great-Big-Buffed-Nasty-Looking-Orc: Them's fightin' words!
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: Arr! Yuz'd be fightin' me will ya! I'm not surprised though, the way you ran when they attacked out of the white city!
Great-Big-Buffed-Nasty-Looking-Orc: What are ye sayin'?
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: They kicked our butts they did! And it's no wonder what with folks like you in the Army, Arrrr!
Great-Big-Buffed-Nasty-Looking-Orc: Arrr and Ahoy! That thars scurvy traitor-dog talk!
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: I call that bold talk for a one eyed fat orc!
Great-Big-Buffed-Nasty-Looking-Orc: FILL YORE HAND!!!!!
Scrawny-Little-Big-Nosed-Orc: Okay. (Phhht-phhhht-phhhht)
Frodo: Oh wow man, he stuck it in his eye!
Sam: What? What? I want to see!
Frodo: Shh! Stay down, there's only room for one! Ah, it's over anyway. The little guy offed the big one. Pretty sweet move too, he just jumped up from behind a rock and one-two-three arrows, one of 'em right in the eye! Then he took off across the valley.
Sam: I always miss the good parts!
(Idril)
Sam: Did you hear what they said about that gobbler Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Nooo... they didn't say anything like that.
Sam: Oh. Well that's bad. I could have used some solid evidence to back up my hunch.
Frodo: What hunch?
Sam: The one about Gollum following us.
Frodo: Well your hunches are usually correct... now that you've gotten over that weird barmaid thing.
Sam: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking with that one!
Frodo: We'd better settle down here until it's dark. Yes, imagine! A barmaid following us everywhere. How unlikely! (laughs)
Sam: Uh... let's change the subject. (whispers) We don't want to give any screenwriters any weird ideas now do we?
Frodo: Oh, okay. So what happened with you and Gollum anyway? I think I missed part of the story.
Sam: Well... the craven churlish warped ill-nurtured boil-brained rump-fed sheep-biting earth-vexing clapper-clawed...
Frodo: What did he do?
Sam: He sold us out to Shelob, then jumped out at me and tried to throttle me. I smacked him good with that walking-stick Faramir gave me... but oooh what I should have done! I should have grabbed him by the hair and busted his head against a rock... and then...
Frodo: Then what happened?
Sam: Oh I can't talk about it... it was too awful!
Ring: Hey, I'll tell you! First he assaulted poor old Shelob who was only trying to get a nice meal... and then he told her that she was fat and made her cry. Then he...
Sting: That's not right! I'll tell it. There I was, laying in the road where you'd dropped me. Then here comes Sam, yelling...
Sam: (puts his fingers in his ears) LA LA LA LA! LA LA LA LA LA!
Sting: ... and then Snaga fell down dead, and you woke up. And that's about it.
Sam: LA LA LA LA!
Frodo: Wow. That's just like an Arnold movie. (waves his hand in front of Sam) YOU CAN STOP NOW!
Sam: LA- Is it over?
Frodo: Yes, now can I have your autograph?
Sam: <blush> No!
Frodo: Pretty please?
Sam: Quit!
Frodo: But you're so heroic! Can I feel your bicep?
Sam: Grrr... next time I'm gonna let the damned spider eat you up.
Frodo: I'm sorry... don't be mad. Thanks for saving my life a million times and all.
Sam: That's what friends are for.
Frodo: It's dark and time to go. Too bad we can't use our light. Will you keep the Lady's phial safe for me, Sam? And you should keep Sting... the best warrior ought to have the best blade.
Sam: Sure thing, Mr. Frodo.
Odd Narrator: The hobbits then started off in the darkness, still travelling North through the valley. When dawn came they hid again and rested for the day. Sam counted the lembas packets twice and fretted about the distance they had left to go. Frodo agreed to try to go faster, but the ring was very heavy and never seemed to run out of stuff to talk about.
Ring: Who are you calling heavy! I'm not heavy, I'm just wearing sweats. Sheesh, can't even dress casual around here without people nagging me. Who am I anyway, a supermodel? If I want to put on a little weight then I will! So put that in your pipe and smoke it Mr. Smarty Pants Narrator... hmph! mutter mutter mutter.... mutter... hmph... mutter...
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The night grew deep and darkness was upon the land of Mordor. . .
Daylight: I'm not dark!
Land of Mordor: What?
Odd Narrator: Nothing... here's your darkness.
Daylight: But I'm not dark!
Land of Mordor: 'Ere. He says he's not dark.
Odd Narrator: Yes he is.
Daylight: I'm not!
Land of Mordor: He isn't.
Odd Narrator: He will be soon. He's very dusky.
Daylight: I'm getting lighter!
Odd Narrator: You're not. You'll be pitch black in a few minutes.
Land of Mordor: I can't take him like this. It's against regulations.
Daylight: I don't want to go into night!
Odd Narrator: Don't be such a baby.
Land of Mordor: I can't take him.
Daylight: I feel bright.
Odd Narrator: Do me a favor.
Land of Mordor: I can't.
Odd Narrator: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes. He won't be long.
Land of Mordor: I promised I'd be at Anarion. They're on Daylight saving's time.
Daylight: I think I'll go cast a shadow.
Odd Narrator: You're not fooling anyone you know. (to Land of Mordor) Isn't there anything you could do?
Daylight: (singing unrecognizably) I feel sunny... I feel sunny.
[The Land of Mordor looks at the Odd Narrator for a moment. Then they both do a quick furtive look up and down the set.]
(off camera) BONK!
[singing stops]
Land of Mordor (growing dark at last): Thanks very much.
Odd Narrator: That's all right. See you tomorrow. Now, where was I, oh yes, They plodded. . .
(sound of factory whistle)
Concise Narrator: Relieving you.
Odd Narrator: Thanks, I left off at. . .
Concise Narrator: Yeah, I know.
Odd Narrator: Okay then, see you tomorrow. Have a nice day, don't work too hard.
Concise Narrator: Bye.
Concise Narrator: They plodded and trudged for awhile, they took a couple of breaks, trudged some more, it grew light and then they hid.
They thought that Mordor sucked. I agree. They looked at the land, saw that there was no way that they could go further without being spotted and got depressed. Then Frodo said:
Frodo: I'm afraid the jig is up Sammo. We can't go up, down, or around. The only way to go is down the road and right past that big old orc tower or back the way we came.
Sam: (starts doing stretches and warm-ups) Okie-dokie Mr. Frodo sir! The road it is. We'll have to make a dash for though and trust to luck, if we have any in this Hell-hole!
Frodo: (pulls a pair of dice out of his pocket and tosses them on the ground, they come up "snake-eyes") Aw crap.
Concise: So THAT'S where it came from, hmm.
Frodo: All right Sam, I'll come with, but dashing is out of the question. How about a nice, comfortable plod?
Sam: Works for me. But first we need a nap and a bite to eat. Here take this, it's all we have left but I'm heroic and self-sacrificing and because I am so devoted to you I won't mind if you take mine, even if it means I'm gonna die for sure.
Frodo: Thanks. (Eats his and Sam's food) Water?
Sam: Here.
Frodo: (drinks the rest of the water) Oh yeah! You're right Sam, a rest is just the thing I need! You can take the first watch. (Nods right off)
Sam: Um, thanks.
(Idril)
[cut to stream]
Steve: (whispering) Hello everyone. This is Steve Irwin and we're here in the Dark Land of Mordor today because of an extraordinary new discovery. Apparently at least one pair of Shire hobbits has migrated from the far north and recently entered the Dark Land. Now this is very unusual. Hobbits usually avoid Mordor, as is filled with dang'a. We think that the hobbits will be travelling this way, so we've set up a blind near this tiny stream. Since this is the only water supply for miles around the hobbits should come by eventually. All we have to do is sit tight and be very quiet.
[silence]
Steve: Yes, we'll have to be very quiet and keep a sharp eye out. Hobbits are extraordinarily sneaky and quiet, and the particular variety that we're tracking is known for blending into the background with it's beautiful camouflage coat.
[silence]
Steve: <sigh>
[silence]
Steve checks his watch.
[silence]
Sam: Hello?
Steve: Crikey! Where did you come from?
Sam: From the stream. I was getting water. What are you doing here? You don't look like orcs.
Steve: But we were filming the stream... we didn't see you.
Sam: Oh, nature show people... gotcha. Anyway, have you seen a little creepy guy around here?
Steve: No, we haven't seen a thing.
Sam: Oh! Ssshhh! (whispers) There he is.
Steve: Where?
Sam: Shhh! (points) Grrrr... that stinker.
Steve: (looks) Where?
Sam: He's gone now. I'd better get back to Mr. Frodo.
Steve: Wait, can we get you on... I'll be stuffed! Where did he go?
Terry: He racked off.
Odd Narrator: Yep. Sam racked off to their hiding place and kept an eye out for Gollum while Frodo slept for a few hours.
Steve: You wouldn't tell us where they are, would you?
Odd Narrator: Bugger off.
[back at the hiding place]
Sam: Mr. Frodo, wake up! Can you keep watch for a while? I saw that Stinker a while back. We'd better not both sleep. I brought water too.
Frodo: Hmmph? Water! Ahh... thank you Sam. What's all that noise?
Sam: Oh, that's just some nature show people. Nothing to worry about. Can you keep your eyes open for Gollum for a bit?
Frodo: Sure Sam. You settle down and-
Sam: zzzzzzzz
Frodo: Ummm... have a nice rest while I take... a turn... zzzzzzzzzzz.
(Bunnie)
Sam: (stretches) Mmm... getting dark again. Was I out for long, Mr. Frodo? [silence] (looks around) Mr. Frodo? Dang, he fell asleep sittin' up! Poor guy... at least he drank the water before he dropped off. (calls out) Yo, Odd!
Odd Narrator: Huh? You rang?
Sam: Any sign of that stinker, Gollum?
Odd Narrator: Not that I know of, but I did take a short break. I thought Frodo was supposed to be watching?
Sam: "Supposed to" being the operative phrase, here. (jerks a thumb over his shoulder at Frodo)
Odd Narrator: Ah, I see. Well, go ahead and wake him. I'll take it for a bit... Mordor-dark had returned.
Mordor-dark: BWAAHAAAHAAAAA!
Odd Narrator: ...and the watch-fires above burned bright red as the hobbits began the most dangerous stretch of their journey.
Watch Fire #1: Hey, you see anything?
Watch Fire #2: Nah, nuthin' really.
Watch Fire #1: No? Not even over there? You ARE watching, aren't you?
Watch Fire #2: Well, DUH! I am a watch-fire, stoopid. It's just kinda hard to see with all the glare and all.
Watch Fire #1: Oh, brother. The old excuses: (taunting) "Oh, it was too bright! Ooh, I had ash in my eye! Waahh, someone kicked sand on me." Just keep watching, will ya?
Watch Fire #2: Like I have a choice.
Odd Narrator: After filling their bottle at the spring, the hobbits climbed up to the road where it swung east toward the Isenmouth. Hearing nothing approaching, they set off up the path, a rock wall on one side and an ever-deepening drop on the other.
Sam: [trot, trot, trot, trot...]
Frodo: [whiff, whiff, whiff, whiff...]
Odd Narrator: After about twelve miles they rested...
Frodo: Twelve miles! Is that all? I feel like I could be halfway back to the Shire by now.
Odd Narrator: There, there. It's only going to get worse, so buck up!
Frodo: (groan)
Sam: (glowers at ON) You're not helping!
Odd Narrator: Well, it's not really in my job description. I'm ambivalent at best, usually. Only help out when the mood strikes. Which reminds me: there's a troop of orcs coming.
Sam: Oh, NOW he tells us!
Odd Narrator: Like I said: only when the mood strikes.
Frodo: EEP! We're trapped! (looks around wildly) We're in deep doo-doo, Sam! No way out! (sinks to the ground next to the rock wall)
Sam: Maybe not, Mr. Frodo. I'll bet I can take 'em! (starts to draw his sword)
Sting: Yeah, yeah! Let's do it! Yippie ki-yay!
Frodo: [SNORK!] A whole troop of orcs? Yeah, right!
Sam: (looks hurt) But you said I was heroic.
Frodo: (gently) And you are, Sam. You're totally "Die Hard." But right now, I'd feel better if you just came over here and played possum with me, okay?
Sam: (puzzled) Beggin' your pardon, sir, but this hardly seems like the time for games. Especially kinky ones like that.
Odd Narrator: [snicker]
Frodo: Shut up, you! (to Sam) No, Sam. It means, "play dead." You know... hopefully go unnoticed?
Sam: Oh? Oh. (blush) Well, all right, Mr. Frodo. Whatever you think is best. (sits next to Frodo under the cliff's shadow)
Odd Narrator: The orcs approached swiftly, with those in front bearing torches.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Put your shield in front of your feet like this... Here.
Frodo: Yowch! That was my toe, Sam!
Sam: Oops. Sorry. Ummm... (eyes Narrator) I won't offer to kiss it, if you don't mind.
Odd Narrator: [snerk!]
Frodo: (hisses) I think not. But you owe me a foot rub!
Sam: Done! Now, keep your head down, and maybe they won't see our faces.
[Approaching troops chant as they march]
Uruk: (cracks whip) I don't know but I been told
Orcs: I don't know but I been told
Uruk: Orcs is born without no soul
Orcs: Orcs is born without no soul
Uruk: Don't fall asleep out on the road
Orcs: Don't fall asleep out on the road
Uruk: The guy behind will slit your throat
Orcs: The guy behind will slit your throat
Odd Narrator: Sam held his breath as the orcs passed by, two large uruks driving the smaller orcs, cracking whips and shouting. File after file went by...
Sam: (turning red)
Odd Narrator: ...and the hobbits were yet unnoticed. Sam continued to hold his breath, watching them march...
Sam: (turning purple)
Odd Narrator: ...until more than half had passed by.
Sam: (turning blue and waving wildly at the Narrator) WFOOOOSSHH! (pant, pant)
Uruk: Arrr! What's this? This ain't no parade! Get up! (cracks his whip at the hobbits) All right, everybody, HALT!
[Orcs skid and slide to a stop, ranks crashing into ranks, swords and shields scattering everywhere. They scramble around picking them up.]
Uruk 2: (rolls eyes) Good thing "halt" is not a frequent command, 'cause you guys suck at it! Arrr!
Uruk 1: (to hobbits) Get up, slugs! Deserters, eh? Arrrr! You lot were s'posed to be inside Udun yesterday. Now, fall in! (the hobbits shuffle toward the back) No, not back there. Three files up! And stay there!
Uruk 2: (cracks whip) Let's go!
[The company trots off briskly]
Sam: (trot-trot-trot-trot... pant, pant, wheeze...)
Frodo: (whiff-whiff-whiff-whiff... gasp, gasp, stumble)
Sam: (whispering) Mr. Frodo! (pant pant) Try running a different way! That sounds gonna get us in trouble!
Frodo: (whispering back) I don't think so. (gasp) These are orc clothes, remember?
Sam: Still... I don't hear it from anyone else. Best not to be noticed. (pant) Try to keep your legs apart.
Frodo: Like this? (whf-whf-whf)
Sam: Ummm, no. Try running like you've got a full diaper.
Frodo: (appalled) What?
Sam: Trust me. It's how the chimps did it in "Planet of the Apes."
Frodo: (looks doubtful) Okay. (gasp) How's this? [trot-trot-trot-trot]
Sam: Excellent, sir. (pant) You look even more like an orc, now!
Uruk 1: (flicks whip at their legs) There now, my lovelies! Arrr. I'd give you more, but there'll be a nice lashing for your reward when you come late to your camp. Something to look forward to, arrrr! How I love a good war! (Uruk 1 and Uruk 2 high five)
Both Uruks: Arrrrrrr!!!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: They ran and ran for miles, and Frodo began to weave and stumble. Sam tried to help him as best he could, but he was almost at the end of his rope.
Sam: Ak! I know you're trying to cheer me up, but it's not working!
Little Orc: Arrr... What the heck are you doing?
Sam: (in his gruffest voice) Arrrr... rrrr... I'm grabbing his bum!
Little Orc: (sidles away) Akk! A homo!
Sam: Arrrr! C'mere! Let me grab yours!
Little Orcs: Ewwww!! (all sidle away)
Big Orc: Here now? What's this?
Little Orcs: That one wants to grab our bums!
Big Orc: Arrr!!! A homo, eh! Well I'll give you a bum... I'll give you all the bums you can stomach!
Sam: That doesn't make any sense at all you know.
Big Orc: Arrrr?
Bigger Orc: Cut the crap! We're coming to the gate! Arrr! We'll have to wait here. There's a group coming from the Tower.
Sam: Arrr!! Why do WE have to wait?
Bigger Orc: Arrr?
Sam: Arrr!! Let's give THEM a wait! Let's give them all the wait they can stomach!
Orcs: Arrrr?? Arrrrrr??? <shrug> ARRRRR!!!
Odd Narrator: And with that Sam's orcs charged the other group and a huge scuffle broke out. Sam and Frodo hit the deck as they passed by and then rolled over the curb, neat as you please.
Frodo: ow
Sam: No more running, Mr. Frodo... but we need to crawl away from the road for a bit. Can you do that?
Frodo: <sigh> I suppose. (starts crawling)
Ring: Frodo's not feeling too well. I've been telling him about my AD&D characters for the last couple of hours. But it hasn't perked him up yet. That's just weird... everybody loves hearing about my 32nd level human/elf samurai/wizard. Maybe I should tell him about it some more?
Sam: How about you shut up?
Ring: I don't really have to, you know.
Frodo: Did we crawl far enough, Sam?
Sam: Yes, I think so.
Frodo: Good. (Faints)