(Russ)
[Scene: Sam is laying on the floor before the gates to the orc fortress. Orc voices can be heard receding from the other side of the door.]
Sting: Psst, Sammy.
Sam: (groans)
Sting: Come on Samster, shake it off, we got some big doin's ahead!
Sam: (stirs and sits up)
Sting: That's it Sam, come on now, up you go, that's right, on your hind legs.
Sam: Anybody get the number of that Oliphant that hit me?
Sting: You should see the other guy!
Sam: Wha? [picks up Sting and struggles to his feet]
Sting: Check out that Gate!
Sam: Whoa! [runs hand over head sized dent in the gate] I did that?
Sting: Yup. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised you're standing at all. You're a tough one Sam, and no mistake!
Sam: Well, dent or no dent, that door is tougher still.
Sting: 'Fraid so Sammy, we're gonna have to find another way to get to Frodo.
Sam: If I don't get killed first! Well I suppose there is nothing for it but to go on and find another way. No lights though, don't want to attract any attention. That means you have to go back in here. (puts Sting in scabbard) And you have to go too. (slips vial under his tunic) Wow. It's really dark!
Sting: Mumphle moofer foom.
Sam: Yeah I know, but a glowing elven sword floating in mid air would look a tad suspicious don't you think?
Sting: Phy muffose. sigh.
Odd Narrator: And so, in the deep, dank, dark of the deepest dark dankness that ever danked the deep dark, Sam slowly made his way back to the stone door and, silently clambering over it, went back out into Shelob's tunnel. There was a soft whisper of air as the old strands of Shelob's web brushed against him and he followed the breeze to the tunnels outlet. The stench of the great hoary beast was still thick in the air, but the dim light from outside made it easier for him to see as he drew himself out of the tunnel and gazed up in fear at the orc tower.
Sam: Well this just sucks!
[lights appear in the topmost tower windows]
Sam: Hello? What is this?
Sting: Thumph garfle manthud gonth.
Sam: Yeah I know. It still creeps me out though! Well. I'm gonna take a little break and for no reason that I can think of, I'm going to put on the ring.
Ring: Hi baby! Miss me?
Sting: Phlut!
Ring: Whaddya say we ditch...
Sam: [eyes widen as his senses are sharpened]
Shelob: (nearby) gargle-sputter!
Orcs: (not quite so nearby) I want 'im you two-timing, four-flushing, tofu-eating vegan!
Yet even more Orc voices: I want him! He's a blue-eyed, pipe-smoking hairfoot, and them's good eatin'!
Odd Non-Orc Voice: Squeak!
More orc voices: No! He's mine you... you... you LAWYER!
Still More orc voices: GASP!
(And not really nearby at all, but sounding that way thanks to the power of the ring)
[clang! Bang! Crash!]
Sam: Well whaddya know? Fighting amongst themselves are they? There might be a chance to save him after all! Hold on Mr. Frodo, I'm coming!
(Bridget)
Odd Narrator: And as Sam ran towards the tower, sped forward by love for his master, the road suddenly took a sharp left and plunged steeply downwards.
Sam: Whoooaaa... uungh... [THUD] What the... Who designed this thing? Didja see that, Sting/ That was a 60 degree slope, and no mistake! [Stands up gingerly] Ow...
Sting: Haff hoff muh Fing, Fammy. Phy haff mm fad fewwi mmbut fisk.
Sam: What was that? Hold on... I can't see a thing! [takes off Ring]
Ring: YES! YES! OH BABY! Home at last! Sweet Lord in Mordor, I'm... HEY! Oh, come on, Sammy! Don't be that way. You know I love you. C'mon, baby, you don't want to do this... Just gimme one more chance. I'll never hurt you again, I swear!
Sam: Oh, shut up.
Ring: Aw, &%#$!
Odd Narrator: As Sam gazed about him, he was struck by the hard, cruel, and bitter lands about him.
Sam: OW!
Cruel Land: Heh, heh, heh.
Sam: What's wrong with you? That HURT!
Bitter Land: Oh, cry me a river, Mr. I'm-an-adorable-hobbit-and-not-a-desolate-wasteland-of-rocks-that-everyone-hates.
Sam: I don't believe this.
Hard Land: Just wait until nightfall, buddy! You think lugging around that house is bad for your back... try sleeping on me for weeks on end!
Cruel, Hard, and Bitter Lands: Heh, heh, heh!
Sam: Aw, man...
O.N.: Yep, Sam was pretty much screwed. Mordor stretched out before him , filled with steep cliffs, deep ravines, and lots of rocks which the cruel land was attempting to drop on him.
Cruel Land: Dang... missed!
O.N.: Immediately before him Sam could see the Morgai, the high-security electric fence surrounding Sauron's property, topped with barbed wire and plastered with signs saying "Private Property - No Trespassing!," "Violators Will Be Persecuted - $500 Fine!," and "Beware of Mouth of Sauron!" And beyond all of this, Sam saw...
Sam: Look at the size of that thing!
O.N.: Sh! There it was - Orodruin, the Mountain of Fire, Mount Doom, Old Faithful itself, belching forth lava as if it had had one too many of Pippin's Super-Duper Deluxe Hot-n-Spicy Burritos for lunch, with a side of Bean Soup to boot.
Sam: [pulls out Ring and shakes it at the mountain] There! See that? That's where we're goin', buddy! We're gonna march straight up to the top and Mr. Frodo's gonna CHUCK YOU IN! Do you hear me? Come on, tell me - are you scared? Huh? Huh? Oh, is the baby Ring gonna cry now? Huh? HUH?
Ring: [cower][whimper]
Sting: Meeken mof Hmmsmr Wohdoh...
Sam: [gasp] Mr. Frodo! [turns towards Tower]
(Russ)
Sam: Man oh man, this place is some piece of work! All jagged crags, towering spires and jutting precipices! And then there's the...
Cirith Ungol: LOOM
Sam: ... well, that! You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that this place was built to keep something in, not others out!
Sting: Maths mecauth mif wath.
Sam: Really? You don't say?
Sting: Mauffle lath alfian of phen maum felfs nan alth at.
Sam: No kidding? Last alliance of men and elves eh? Who'd of thought it?
Sting: Mefry un buth oo apawenthly.
Sam: Well I've gotta do something, can't just sit here and ponder forever. Hmmm. What to do...
Ring: I'm here sugar bear!
Sam: What good would that do me?
Ring: Just think of it! You and me, together we could rock this house! Sambone The Terrible and his Ring of Power!
Sam: Hmmm, you have a point there.
Ring: And behold! There was a pale horse, and upon it was a Rider with large hairy feet and his name was Sammy! And in his hand was held a sword of flame and power was given unto him to smite ol' Sauron in the eye and grow taters throughout the land of Mordor! And the chicks will dig him and praise his name! And all wi' be well, and all manner of things wi' be well!
Sam: Yeah, YEAH! And Frodo can come with me and...
Ring: Who?
Sam: Frodo.
Ring: Oh I don't think so. This is strictly a solo act.
Sam: But then what will happen to Mr. Frodo?
Ring: Now I know you like him Sam, I do too, honest, but this IS war after all and some sacrifices will have to be made. I'm afraid your master is, well, expendable.
Sam: GASP! EXPENDABLE! Why you... that's it! I'm done listening to you!
Ring: Now look Sammy...
Sam: (fingers in his ears) La-la-la-la-la-la-I'mnotlistening-la-la-la-la...
Ring: Sigh.
Odd Narrator: And so, fingers in ears, Sam struck out once more upon the path to Cirith Ungol. Soon he was passing under the very walls of the tower and even with his fingers in his ears, he could hear the sounds of fighting coming from the court behind the outer wall of the tower.
Sam: (removes fingers from his ears) What was that?
Ring: PUTMEONPUTMEONPUTMEON...
Sam: Oh shut up! Wha?
Sting: Thoo mell 'em thammy!
[two orcs come barreling out from the courtyard gate heading for the main road]
Arrows: PHHT! PHHT!
Orcs: (stop and dance a little jig) Ha-ha! Missed us!
Arrows: PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT-PHHT.
Orcs: Okay. Those ones did the trick. (die)
Sam: Hmmm, maybe the front gate isn't such a good idea.
Sting: Looth up.
Sam: Huh? Oh. (looks up, sees that the wall is a thirty foot vertical surface without so much as a single toe hold topped with concertina wire, automated flamethrowers, and lots of really nasty looking shards of broken glass) Yikes! The gate it is! I wonder what they're fighting about? My master? They have orders from you know who not to touch him, still, they are orcs, besides, he has nothing that they would want...
Sting: Theyf month hith cooth mitthl booth!
Sam: (aghast) They want his cute little butt? No I say! No, no, a thousand times no! (draws Sting)
Sting: Ah, that's better, now what I said was...
Sam: They'll get it over my dead body! CHARRRRR... (runs towards the gate)
Sting: I said his MITHRIL COAT you putz!
BOING!
Sam: ... rrge? (stops) What the? (reaches out with his finger and pokes it at the open archway)
[Boing-boing]
Sam: Oh, my bad. Hey what's with this invisible wall thingy here?
Sting: Look over there.
Sam: (looks up to see two enormous figures seated upon two thrones.) Statues, so what?
Sting: Those aren't just any statues, those are the dreaded Three bodied-three headed-vulture faced-claw handed-dreadful spirit of evil vigilance-watchers of doom statues!
Sam: They don't look so tough to me.
Sting: Oh really? Then why are you still out here instead of in there?
Sam: Piece of cake, watch this, (draws out Galadriel's phial)
Watchers: squeak!
Sam: Don't like that do ya? (steps toward the watchers)
Watchers: Take it away!
Phial: BOO!
Watchers: QUAIL-SQUEAK!
Sam: (steps through the archway) Well?
Sting: I have to admit it Sammy, I'm impressed! Nice work.
Phial: Aw shucks, it wanthn't mumple garble. sigh.
Sam: (Putting the Phial away) See, that wasn't so hard...
Statues: HAIRFOOT IN THE PERIMETER! HAIRFOOT IN THE PERIMETER! AHHHOOOOOGAH!
(Russ and Idril)
Alarm from way up above: SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK! PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE TOWER! WAAAH! WAAAH! WAAAH! EEEEWUUUU EEEEWUUU...
(Idril)
Sam: Well that sucks and no mistake. I've set off the burglar alarm.
Odd Narrator: He crept into the tower courtyard, but shrank back into a side doorway of the gatehouse as an orc passed by.
Orc: Stupid alarm. [Pushes buttons on a panel]
Alarm: QUEEP! QUEEP! [silence]
Orc: 'Kay, that's better. [Leaves]
Odd Narrator: Sam entered the tower courtyard and saw a most unusual sight. Several orcs lay dead, but most were sitting in a semi-circle in front of a white board. A largish orc was just marking an item off of a list of illegibly scribbled items.
Shagrat: See now, ain't this better than fighting? I'm tellin' you... you won't be sorry about this. Those Nazgirls have got money to spend and they're freakin' nutcases.
Gorbag: Weeellll, you think we could sell couple of locks of that curly hair? They'd probably pay a fortune for that.
Shagrat: Hmmmm... it did look like he could use a haircut. We'll have to do it neat though, no buzzcut or we'll get caught fer sure.
Orc: Ooo! ooo! Mr. Shagrat! I graduated Lake Nurien Barber School. I can make it look neat.
Shagrat: That sounds good. So the plan is... we send the mail shirt and the rest of the booty to Lugburz. That keeps us out of trouble with the Big Boss. Then we sell nudey pics of the little rat and locks of his hair to the Nazgirls. Agreed?
Orcs: <mutter agreement>
Gorbag: We're in!
Ring: Nudey pics of Frodo? I want one!
Sam: (springing out of hiding)LIKE HELL YOU WILL!
Orcs: What the f-?
Sam: Nobody takes nudey pics of MY Mr. Frodo except... uhhh... I mean NOBODY'S takin' any nudey pictures! [SLASH WHIRL STAB]
Orcs: AAAAHHH!!! [bleed bleed die]
Sam: And you'll keep your nasty hands out of his hair too! [CHOP SWING HACK]
Some Orcs: Nooo! [bleed bleed die]
Other Orcs: What's happening?!? Run away, run away!
Sam: HEY! Where do you think you're going? Come back here so I can kill you!
[The remaining orcs flee into the tower. Sam stands amid the carnage looking annoyed.]
Sting: Damn! What's up with that?
Sam: Oh! Uhh... well they just got my temper up.
Sting: Color me immmm-pressed!
Ring: Me too! In fact I feel all tingly. Oh sweet Sam, would you turn all super-heroic if I got captured? <SWOON>
Sam: No! Shut up.
Ring: Oh I can just see it! There I am... bound hand and foot! The wicked orcs pull the gag off to question me but all I have to say is this: "Say your prayers, suckers!! My lover coming to save me... and he's gonna cut you all up into bloody bits!!" OOoooOOoooh!
Sting: You don't have hands or feet, moron.
Sam: (blushing furiously) Shut up!!
Ring: Hmmph! I don't have to shut up unless I want to.
Sam: Anyway, I'd better keep going before the orcs figure out it's just a hobbit after 'em.
Odd Narrator: Sam entered the tower and walked down a long torch-lit corridor. He paused, unsure of where to go next.
Snaga: (comes out of a door at the end of the corridor) Hey guys! Supper's almost-
Ring: BOO!
Snaga: SQUEAK! [beats it up the stairs]
Ring: <snicker> I love doing that!
Odd Narrator: Sam started up the stars after the fleet-footed Snaga.
Sam: Oh boy... stairs. My favorite. <sigh> Let's see... one, two, three, four... 83, 84, 85 <huff>... 168, 169 <huff puff>
Ring: Seven, 12.
Sam: ONE SEVENTY, ONE SEVENTY ONE...
Ring: Forty nine.
Sam: FIFTY... Hey! Stupid ring.
Odd Narrator: Sam finally came to the top of the stairs and to a large wooden door. When he pushed at it he found it was locked.
Voice on other side: SQUEAK! He's trying to get in!
Gorbag: Here, what are you, orcs or bunny rabbits? Regroup! We can take this guy!
Shagrat: Yeah!
Ring: Okay, there they are. Sic 'em!
Sam: What? Oh crud!
Sting: I think we've lost our momentum... this could be bad.
Sam: I'm a gardener! I can't do this!
Sting: Just think of them as Japanese Beetles!
Sam: Beetles? They're taller than me!
Ring: C'mon lets go! The box is locked, the lights are on, it's robot fightin' time!
Sam: What? Wait... I don't think it's a good idea for me-
Sting: Oh! What's that I hear? It's Frodo! He's shouting something!
Sam: Mr Frodo? All I hear are orcs!! Is Mr Frodo shouting?
Sting: Oh it's definitely him... he's yelling "No! No! Stop touching me!"
Sam: (furious) WHAT? MR. FRODO, I'M COMING!! (grabs an conveniently placed axe)
Sting: An axe! Hey thanks!
Screenwriter: Don't mention it.
Sam: (shouting through the door) Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in! Not by the hair on your chiny, chin, chin? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!! [CHOP]
Ring: Oh that's my favorite movie!
[Cut to other side of door]
Orcs: SHRIEK!
Sam: [CHOP] [CHOP] [CHOP]
Orcs: Please. Don't... Don't...
Shagrat: Stop squeaking! Get ready!
[A splintered hole appears in the door.]
Orcs: SHRIEK!!! Don't! Oh! Please
Sam: [CHOP][CHOP]
Orcs: Stop it! Stop it!
Sam: [CHOP][CHOP][CHOP]
Orcs: Stop it!
Gorbag: Buck up! Sheesh!
[Sam's face appears in a gap in the splintered door]
Sam: HERE'S JOHNNY!
Orcs: SQUEAL!!! [flee]
Odd Narrator: Sam kicked in the splintered door and charged into a gibbering mass of orcs. Few people would be interested in the carnage that ensued during the following minutes.
Sting: I would be.
Odd Narrator: That's because you're a very sick person.
Sting: I am not! Anyway, I'm not a person. I'm a sword!
Odd Narrator: *cough*kitchenknife*cough* Suffice it to say that soon Sam found himself standing amidst the bloody remains of dozens of orcs on the third tier court of Cirith Ungol. Severed limbs lay strewn... ewww... do we have to have that in here?
Sting: (shows ON the book)
Odd Narrator: Oh NOW we're going back to the book... sheesh!
Sam: Will you hurry up... there's two of 'em left and my arm's getting tired!
Odd Narrator: Oh sorry! Okay... he was facing two last remaining orcs. Sam had clipped the big one pretty good, but the little one was still unhurt.
Shagrat: Okay, shoot 'em!
Snaga: I can't, I left my bow in the kitchen!
Shagrat: You idiot! Well knife him!
Snaga: I can't do that! I'm just a cook!
Shagrat: Think of him as tater!
Snaga: Riiiiight! That would be the Pscyho Killer Tater?
Ring: Enough amusing banter already... BOO!
Snaga: SQUEAK! [swerves around Sam and runs like hell]
Ring: <snicker>
Shagrat: You little rat! How are you doing all this?
Sam: (shrug)
Gorbag: [GASP] I told you the big one got away!
Shagrat: But he ain't big!
Gorbag: [WHEEZE] Oh... (gazes at Sam)... you're right... [bleed bleed die]
Sam: (spits) Alright, you ready?
Shagrat: Hey look! A barmaid!
Sam: AAHH! Where?
Shagrat: [bolts]
Sam: COME BACK HERE YOU BIG CHICKEN! (pause) I think I better sit down.
Sting: That's weird. Did that guy just run by carrying Frodo's underpants?
Sam: Mr. Frodo's underpants? Okay... gotta go find him. Just let me blink the spots out of my eyes here.
Sting: Looks like we go back in and up. They said he was at the top, right?
Ring: Actually they said he was nanga grackish nzaggrash... but I was NICE enough to translate. Even though nobody EVER says thanks.
Sam: What are you, Dr. Smith now? Shush!
Ring: How dare you cast obscure aspersions on me... you bellicose bumpkin! <snicker>
Odd Narrator: Sam found the stairs leading further up the tower. He climbed past one landing with a locked door and up to a second storey that led to a passage. However all the doors in the passage were locked.
Sting: No more stairs?
Sam: None that I can get to. This can't be the top, can it?
Odd Narrator: He tried all the doors again on both floors... but no luck.
Sam: Arrrghhh!
Ring: Let's go get the axe and start smashing stuff... that would be fun!
Odd Narrator: Instead of smashing stuff, Sam sat and thought for a few minutes.
Sam: Oh great, the torch went out. Can't get any blacker than this.
Odd Narrator: Then, alone in the darkness, Sam began to sing.
(qkbeam)
Sam:
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I sit.
It's not at the bottom;
It's not at the top.
But this is the stair
where I want to stop.
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I sit.
He's not at the bottom;
He's not at the top.
So this is the stair,
in the dark who-knows-where,
I fear hope will stop.
Halfway up the stair is a stair where I stand.
I'll search at the bottom;
I'll search at the top.
But this is the stair,
as I love and draw air,
I will never stop.
(Idril)
Sting: Did I hear a voice?
Sam: Not again!
Sting: No really! It's gone now.
Odd Narrator: Then from the top storey passageway they heard a door open and a orc shuffling out.
Snaga: Shush up there... c'mon! That Psycho Killer Tater will find us!
[silence]
Snaga: Hellooo? Rat boy? Hmmm... (he brings out a ladder and climbs to the loft)
Sam: (whispering) What the heck is he doing?
Sting: Looks like a trapdoor into a loft.
Sam: mutter... stairs, stairs, stairs and NOW ladders... mutter bad as elves... grumble.
Snaga: (from the loft) Sheesh are you dead or something? Wasn't that you squeaking?
Frodo: <MOAN>
Sam: Holy Carrots! (scoots up the ladder) Here! You get away from him!
Snaga: SQUEAK!!!! Nooooooo!!! Not you again!!
Ring: Heheh... third time's a charm... BOO!!!
Snaga: URP! [die]
Ring: <chortle> Oh hey look, it's Rat Boy! Hey dude, whazzzup?
Sam: Mr. Frodo?
(BunnieBugs)
[Sam rushes into the tower room, smashing cameras and lighting equipment as he goes.]
Sam: Drat! Where's the film? Aaaargh! The film's gone!
[He rushes over to where Frodo lies on a heap of rags.]
Sam: My poor master! (pauses to study Frodo for a moment) Wow. He should try to get out in the sun more often. His skin's so pale, he just about glows in the dark! Skinny, too. And what's that on his stomach, a tattoo?! Hey! You promised we'd get matching ones together! Oh, wait... no, it's just a smudge.
(Idril)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! [HUG!!!] [SMOOCH!!!]
Ring: Now this is gonna be awkward!
Frodo: OOOOFF!! What?
Sting: Hey Frodo!! I know what you're gonna ask first... and you're at the top of Cirith Ungol and some orc has your underpants. Woohoo!! you're alive!
Sam: [SQUEEEEZE!!!] You're alive! You're alive! WAAAAAHHHH!!!
Frodo: ow
Ring: You see Frodo... Sam and I thought you were dead and all and we were crying... then one thing led to another... and before you know it... well, heh, you know that Sam! Now we're engaged! I hope you understand... we can still be friends, right?
Frodo: What? Who are you?
Sam: It's me Sam!
(Bunniebugs)
Frodo: That's funny, I have a friend named Sam.
Sam: Yes, that's me!
Frodo: But... Sam's not an orc. He's a hobbit.
Sting: Either he's still out of it or he's a few eggrolls short of a combination platter.
Sam: (snaps his fingers in front of Frodo's eyes) Snap out of it, Mr. Frodo! It's me! It's Sam!
Frodo: Oh! Sam! I was just chatting with a lovely orc chap named Sam. Can you believe it?
Sam: Whatever you say, Mr. Frodo. Are you with me, now?
(Idril)
Frodo: (blink) Uhhhh... what's all that black stuff on you?
Sam: Ummm... Nothing. Hard to keep clean in the Black Land you know, heh.
Sting: Hey Shelob sure knocked you flat! We so thought you were dead!
Frodo: No... I don't think I'm dead. Ugh! The orcs popped this stuff under my nose to make me wake up and it made all the colors go all weird. Then they were all laughing and setting up photographic equipment. They kept asking me where I was on the afternoon of Febuary 26th... oh it was horrible. I've never seen such bad dental work... they smelled worse than Strider after a long walk in the sun... and their claws worse than Merry's toenails!
Sam: Well they're all gone now. Did they hurt you? Can you get up?
Frodo: I don't think I'm hurt... and I think I can get up. (Sam helps him up and he walks around.)
Ring: Woo hoo! He's nekkid!
Sam: Shhh!
(BunnieBugs)
Frodo: Yes. I feel better now that I can move around. I didn't dare while there were orcs around. Then I heard yelling and fighting, and then it went quiet. Sam, what happened to all the orcs?
Sam: (blushes) Oh, well... er... can't go into that now. We've gotta get out of here. But you can't go out in your birthday suit, or someone's bound to notice, begging your pardon.
(Idril)
Frodo: (grabs for his chain) Omygosh! They took everything. Oh Sam, they took the ring! I failed, I knew it!! We're DOOMED!!!
Ring: AHH! Now I'm mad. You never listen do you! Never!
Sam: No, no, no Mr Frodo... I've got it. I took it... I kept it safe here.
Ring: Yes, and he's got cuddly chest hair too... NYEH.
Frodo: You have it?
Sam: Uhhh... yes... I suppose... uh... you'll want it back then? Are you sure? It's awful heavy and it never never never shuts up.
Frodo: Oh Sam! You've wonderful! Now fork it over before I tear your head off!
Sam: Wha???
Frodo: Oh... um... please!
Ring: I know, I'm irresistible. Come on Sammy sweetie, you can take him!
(BunnieBugs)
Sam: You know, we're in Mordor, now, and the Ring is such a pain in the... erm, NECK and all, well... I could help you carry it sometimes, if you like.
Frodo: NO!! Give it here, foul beast!
Sam: Geez, there's no need to be insulting about it
Frodo: I'm still waiting!
(Idril)
Sam: (hands over the ring with an effort) Alright, but... oh... have it then, sheesh!
Frodo: (takes the ring) Sheesh!
Ring: Sheesh!
Sting: Okay, that was weird.
(BunnieBugs)
Sam: All right, so I can't help you with that, but I can still help, dammit! First, we should get you covered up. Never know if there could be hidden cameras, still, I guess it's gonna have to be orc duds!
Frodo: (shudder) Ewww! They have absolutely no fashion sense!
Sam: I know, but there's nothing else for it. And I'll have to match, too. Now you wear this (fastens cloak around Frodo), and wait 'till I get back. Oh, yeah... (unsheathes Sting) I've still got Sting and the Lady's glass.
Sting: (sings) If I ever lose my faith in you, there'll be nothing left for me to do...
Phial: (sings) This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...
Frodo: Uh, you can keep them for awhile, Sam. I'd kinda like some peace and quiet for awhile.
Ring: (sings) Babe... I got you, babe...
Frodo: (groans) Oh, cr*p!
Sam: Don't worry, Mr. Frodo! I'll be quick. [slips through the trap-door and down the ladder]
Sam: (popping back up) Here, Mr. Frodo. Just in case.
Frodo: A chain-saw, Sam?
Sam: There might still be orcs around.
Frodo: (revs the chain-saw and brandishes it in the air) Bring it on, baby!
Sam: We'll need a password for when I come back. How about "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?" No orc would say that.
Frodo: You're right about that, Sam. You're the ONLY person I know who'd say that.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Frodo paced and moped for a long time while Sam was gone.
Ring: Is he back yet?
Frodo: No.
Ring: Is he back yet?
Frodo: No.
Ring: Well he's probably dead then.
Frodo: No he's not.
Ring: I'll betcha one of Daddy's Nazgul got him.
Frodo: I doubt it.
Ring: He's got a great butt, don't he?
Frodo: <sigh>
Ring: Oh come on... isn't it nice?
Frodo: I'm not a butt... umm... fancier.
Ring: So, we're gonna go see Daddy soon?
Frodo: I certainly hope not.
Ring: C'mon! It'll be fun! I'll show you my room and we can play my Nintendo and you can sleep over and-
Frodo: You're a ring! You don't have a room!
Ring: Yes I do.
Frodo: No you don't.
Ring: Yes I do.
Frodo: AAAGGHHH!!
Ring: Wow... yelling is good. Let's lean out the window and yell for the Nazgul. Then you won't have to walk!
Frodo: I can't believe it... you've gotten to be even more annoying.
Ring: Have not.
Sam: (from below) Supercalifragilis... uhh... supercalifragilistic... oh crud... Elbereth!
[Frodo lets down the ladder and Sam comes up with a large bundle.]
Sam: Well that was fun. Nothing I love better than stripping the clothes off of dead orcs while this creepy "somebody's watching" feeling is running up and down my spine.
Frodo: Dead orcs? Why are they dead?
Sam: Ummm... I'll tell you later. Anyway I have bad news... it was hard to find anything in your size. This was the best I could do. (unrolls bundle)
Frodo: Oh no! Anything but that!
Sam: I know, I know, I'm sorry.
Frodo: Nooooo! Not corduroy!
Sam: Most of the rest was hide, and I know you're allergic to fell beast. It's better to be unfashionable than to break out all over.
Frodo: You're right. <sigh> Thanks.
[Frodo dons the corduroy pants, K-Mart polo shirt, orc hauberk, sword belt, helmet, and greasy black cloak.]
Sam: The Spectre helmets were less lousy and come with cool NVG's, but I figured we'd better stick with Shagrat's gear, since we're going deeper in. Hey, lookin' mighty fine! Ready to go?
Frodo: (Twirls his cloak) MUAHAHAH! Oh wait... more like GRUNT GRUNT UGH! So are you going to pretend to be my captive or what?
Sam: Nope. I'm just going to do a helmet and cloak and hope for the best. Ready? Let's make tracks!
Frodo: Hold up... geeze you're pumped full of adrenaline. Do we have enough food for the trip?
Sam: Food?
Sam's stomach: Did someone say food?!?!
Frodo: Wow. When's the last time you ate anything?
Sam: Ummm... I don't know. I was busy looking for you.
Frodo: They fed me... although their "Carnie Surprise" tasted funny. But anyway, Yahoo! I get to be the practical one for ONE TIME! Look, I found my pack and most of my Lembas. Now sit right down and have an elf-cake, Mr. Gamgee. My you're looking pale and thin, Mr. Gamgee. Won't you have something to drink, Mr. Gamgee? No wait, I don't have water, do I.
Sam: Hmmmphh! Mutter mutter orcs mutter mutter all I get is abuse mutter. (eats a lembas)
Frodo: What about orcs?
Sam: Never mind. Now can we go?
Frodo: Sure thing!
Odd Narrator: Finally they climbed down the ladder and started down the stairs.
Frodo: Gosh, what happened to that door?
Sam: What door?
Frodo: That door that's been chopped in with that axe.
Sam: Ummmmmm... dunno.
Frodo: What's out there?
Sam: Nothing you'd want to see. Come on... let's scoot!
Odd Narrator: Sam hurried Frodo down the rest of the stairs, but when they got to the courtyard Frodo saw all the bodies there and halted.
Frodo: Holy guacamole! What happened to all these orcs?
Ring: <SNICKER>
Sam: Uhhhhh...
Ring: Your sweetie pie killed 'em.
Sam: Shut up!
Ring: <SNORK>
Frodo: You killed them... all?
Sam: Well, not exactly.
Sting: Yeah he did.
Ring: They captured his sweetie pie Frodo cuddle bunchkins... so he hacked 'em to bloody bits!
Sam: GRRRR! It's not like that!
Ring: 'Cause he wuvs u!
Frodo: I know we're probably not going to make it home or anything... but if we do this is gonna sound really gay.
Sam: Mr Frodo! They were gonna sell nudey pictures of you!
Frodo: [stares] And?
Sam: Akk! Not you too!
Frodo: <sigh> Well don't worry about it, dear... er... I mean Sam. If we happen to survive we'll... ummmmmm... we'll say they got in a fight and killed each other off. Okay?
Sam: <snork> Like anyone would be that gullible!
(merithehobbit)
Frodo: Well, you never know... if we just don't go into too much detail... MAN, ELF and DWARF... I had no idea this tower thing was so large... I am exhausted! I can't move another muscle... must... rest... [plops down next to bloody Orc and lays down using the Orc as a pillow]
Sam: Well, this place does sort of ooze bad, scary and creepy... [noticing Frodo] OH NO... gross! [hauling him over away from dead carcasses] It isn't just the size of the place, [uumpph] it is this sci-fi door we got here.
Frodo: [drowsily] Sci-fi?
Sam: Yeah, it is actually kinda cool... check it out. [puts hand into bubble protecting the door]
Frodo: DUDE... that is awesome. How'd you do that?
Sam: We got a pretty good special effects team, despite the budget.
Frodo: Well, how do we get past the bubble?
Sam: No prob... I got a skeleton key for just this type of devilry. [whips out Phial]
Phail: GLOW! BLAZE! SPARKLE SHINE!!!
Sam: Gith... WOOW! Hand me my shades! [Frodo and Sam whip out matching shades]
Phial: RADIATE BWAHAAAHHAA
Watchers: Whoa... did it get bright?
Sam: Gantholingle... no... Dinglewhingle... wait... uh... Garthorama... LISTERINE A POTTYBREATH!
Watchers: Well, I'm just so sure!
Frodo: [snicker] How bout: WITH DISINFECTANT WE'LL WHITEWASHA!
Watchers: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOO!
Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam ran through the fallen sci-fi bubble and out the gate, just in time for a dramatic crumbling, crashing and we threw in some explosions just for fun... escaping, of course, just in the nick of time! Heh, heh, and you thought Tolkien only invented the fantasy genre.
Bell: ALERT... ALERT... NAZGUL ALERT... THE WALL HAS FALLEN WAIL!
Sam: Oh #$%@! That damn boobie trap!
Nazgirl: [swooping in] SHRIEK, SHRIEK, BLOOD CURDLING SHRIEK! MUAHAAAAA! [high pitched squeals of: Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath] OOOHHHEEEEE! I LOVE YOU! Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath] YOUR EYES... OH Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, YOU ARE A HOTTIE, [deep breath] Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, ! Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah,[breath] CAN I JUST... Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath] RUN MY FINGERS... Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath ]Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath] THROUGH YOUR CHEST HAIR? Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah,[breath] I JUST WANNA MARRY YOU... Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, ! Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, [breath] CUTE BUM! Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elij ah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah, Elijah...
Frodo: [whimper] Sam, hold me!
Sam: Damn Nazgirls!