At the Sign of the Prancing Pony

(merithehobbit)

Odd Narrator: Four Hobbits rode their ponies in silence on the road headed into the village of Bree. The hills around them buffered the sounds and comings and goings of other nearby villages. The darkening sky allowed a chill to creep around their shoulders, causing them to look behind them warily. At times the travelers spoke in hushed whispers, mostly discussing the phantoms that seemed to control their lives from a mystical place called cyberspace.

Merry: <Speaking to Frodo> About Bree, we have to go through the gate, which is probably closed after dark.. I have been here a few times, and have many relatives who have frequented this area... scouting the real estate market you know.

Frodo: Well, I will be glad to have the gates behind us, I feel an air of darkness following us..

[They approached the West Gate, and indeed it was shut. But there was a man sitting in the lodge behind it who quickly came and inquired after them.]

Gatekeeper: Who are you, and what do you want?

Frodo: We are making for the Inn here, and our business is our own!

Gatekeeper: Hobbits! Four Hobbits! You must be from the Shire from that accent, what the heck are you doing all the way over here in Bree?

Frodo: As I said, our business is our own, and our names too.

Merry: We are hobbits from Buckland sir, and we just want to come visit the inn here. I am Mr. Brandybuck if you have to write it on your guest book! I heard the people at Bree were more welcoming.

Gatekeeper: <Opens up the gates and motions for them to enter> Meant no offense, just my job...

[They led their ponies into the darkened and busy streets of Bree.]

[There they gaped, mouths open, at the large houses of the Big Folk of Bree. Poor Sam stared wide eyed, and wondered at the three storied buildings. He feared of all the adventures he ever imagined, this was quite enough already. They were glad to make it to the open doors of the Prancing Pony... with the lights streaming in from the windows. And from the sound of it, a busy, bustling place for our four young heroes....]

(Silarien)

Bill Ferny: Hmmm, wonder if one of them half 'lings', 'things', 'wits', 'whatsits' is a BAGGINS? Nasty little people. Gonna ask my benefactor to join us for a drink, should be worth a coin or two. Shove off, Bill, that's not a carrot.

(pippin1986)

Odd narrator: Meanwhile, back at the prancing pony (before the hobbits arrive) a tall dude called Strider was looking very gloomy, since he had just sat down, and, looking at his boots, and judging by the smell, he had stepped in something none to pleasant.....He is sitting at a table in the MIDDLE of the room

Strider: : : cough cough: :

Butterball: what's wrong?

Strider: stepped in something. You got a tissue?

Butterball: No. : : cough: : you're stinkin' up the place for Pete's sake!

Strider: : : cough: : *ahem* Anybody wanna hear a joke?

Entire inn: : : groan: : (for you see, Strider is known for his utterly lame jokes)

Strider: I knew you would! Ok, here goes- Why did the hobbit cross the bridge?

Table nearest to Strider: : : groan again: : (For you see, this is like our version of the awful chicken jokes, and so of course it is Strider's favorite)

Strider: (not waiting for an answer) Because he was too chicken to cross by boat! : : chortle: : : : slaps hand on knee: :

Everyone: STRIDER!

Strider: awwwwwwww...... : : sad face: :

Everyone: Strider, go away.

Strider: : : goes and sits at a table all by his lonesome self: :

Everyone: : sigh of relief, both from the fact that Strider has stopped with his jokes, and that his smelly boots are further away from them.

(Ekla Reuel)

Man standing just outside the tavern door: "......BEEELLLCH!!" *and passes out unconscious on the steps!!

[Hobbits step over him and push open the bar-room door...CCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!! *(Very stiff old door, could do with oiling)]

(FrodoPippinSam & merithehobbit)

[Inside they find a busy establishment full of patrons. Food and drink being brought to and fro, and songs and busy chatter fill the air. As our four hobbits make their way over to the rather tall counter they are jostled around and try to catch the landlord's eye.]

Frodo: Um, excuse me--

Butterbur: Half a minute! <runs off to deliver ale to some dwarves in the corner.>

Butterbur: <returns> Why hello, and what may I do for you?

Frodo: We need beds for four, and stabling for 5 ponies, if that can be managed of course. Are you Mr. Butterbur?

Butterbur: yep that's my name alright. You're from the uh, Shire, right? Hobbits! Now what does that remind me of? the dishes I have to clean? Nob's dancing? oh well. you will be needing some rooms? I am rather full but as I can see you are fine young hobbits.. you'll fit nicely in some of our specially prepared hobbit rooms with round windows and everything. What are you're names sirs?

Pippin: I'm Mr. Took

(Merry, Sam, and Frodo giggle at Pippin's emphasis on MR.)

Merry: (recovering first) I'm Mr. Brandybuck, this here is Sam Gamgee and that there is Mr. Bag--

Frodo: Underpants! Ooops! I mean Underhill. My name is Underhill (shoots a sharp glance at Merry)

Butterbur: We don't get visitors from the Shire often (mumbling) probably 'cause that blasted Strider is always here... Hobbits... that reminds me of something.. Hi Nob! Where are you...

Nob: Coming, coming. (In walks a cherry looking hobbit who stops and stares.)

Butterbur: Where's our Bob... we need these fine hobbit's ponies stabled somewheres... I am sure we can find a place.

Pippin: (waving a hand across his face) What is that horrible smell!?

Butterbur: You probably don't want to know, hold on, I'll have Nob take you to you're rooms, um 2 beds to each room, I hope that is ok. And there's a nice little parlor for you to have dinner in...

Sam: That's just fine. As long as we're off that street. (to Frodo) and as safe from that barmaid as we can get.

Frodo: SAM! SHE is NOT following us!

Sam: You've said that before and I agreed she wasn't following us, she's following you, not Mr. Pippin, Merry, or me.

(merithehobbit)

Pippin: You gonna finish that piece of tart Frodo?

Frodo: Nah, I am so stuffed... Go ahead.

Pippin: Thanks, chomp, chomp.

Merry: Oh, Man... my tummy hurts. (breaks a bit of wind)

Sam: Geeze Merry. You were giving ME a hard time about that the other day.. pheww!

Pippin: <holding nose> Do you think we could open the window?

Frodo: Not here, just fan that bit of paper a bit there....

Merry: Um, I better go for a walk... I need to work this tummy ache out a bit more (toot)

Sam: It isn't too bad a night out..

Pippin: Yeah, maybe you do... but (finally showing concern) be careful Merry, it is safer indoors... unless we light a match!

Frodo: Meet us in the common room, where we will be getting into all sorts of troublesome adventures.

Merry: (toot), ooh, sorry.. I am going out now (toot).. man what was in that cheese!

(MEDICRN18)

(The hobbits have finished supper now)

Pippin: Oh let's join the crowd and mingle!

Merry: Nah, I think I'll scout out the area for available real estate instead! There was a particularly loathsome smell wafting out from there.

Pippin: Party pooper! Well just don't get into trouble because Tom's not coming to Bree to rescue us once more. Let's party Frodo and Sam!

(RUSSELLBor)

Entire Bar: NORRRRRRMMMM!

(Merithehobbit)

[Our other three are headed for the big common room, which was rather bright from the blazing log fire, but filled with a smoky mysterious haze... giving certain unknown heroes in the corner a scaryish air..]

(RUSSELLBor)

Frodo: (taking a seat at a table) Wow I'm really glad we came.

Sam: Yeah, and everybody knows your name,

Frodo: WHAT?!?!

Sam: Never mind sir. Sure is crowded in here. And look at all the quee. . .um, strange folk in here! Look there, Hobbits in leather!

Frodo: And over there, Dwarves in leather!

Pippin: And over there, Big People in leather! Anybody smell somethin' funny?

Sam: I think I just saw Merry go past the window.

Pippin: No I mean something else, kinda B.O. funny.

Frodo: I smell it too. I wonder what it is?

Sam: Beggin' your pardon Mister Frodo, but I think it's coming from that chap over there.

Frodo: (looking in the direction Sam indicated sees Strider. Strider grins broadly and waves merrily at Frodo, and lifts a beer in toast) Wow Sam, did you get a load of those teeth?

Sam: Aye sir, He's not a pretty sight is he?

Pippin: Nor smell neither whew!

Frodo: Yo Butterbur! (Butterbur trots over) Who is that freak?

Butterbur: Oh him, he's one of the traveling folk, we call 'em ranger 'round here. They look bad and smell worse! It's funny you asked about him becau. . . (Butterbur is interrupted by calls for more ale) . . .be right back!

(merithehobbit)

Odd Narrator:Merry the tooting Brandybuck exits the Prancing Pony and wanders a bit outside. He has nasty tummy cramps and has to stop occasionally to bend over.

After a bit of window shopping he begins to take notes on the local realtors and their listings.

*WHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH* goes the wind.. all creepy like... the branches blow around and a dog howls in the eerie silence. He hears horses...slowly clopping. (Clop, clop, clop, clop)

Merry looks disconcerted, and thinks: Sounds like coconuts.. wonder who is clopping about this time of night...begins to head back to the Pony. (toot, toot)

Where... Mr. Butterbur has just told our other three hobbits that that stinky, nasty toothed, smilie man in the corner.. well no... he's mysterious right? Anyway, his name is Strider.

(Ekla Reuel)

Frodo: That name has a familiar ring to it (pun, sorry)...Strider the Ranger...no, I've not heard of that one...but I'm sure Bilbo told me a tale of Strider the Cruiser once.....Hmmm, how did it go?..

MEEE Meee MEEE Meee *trying to get into key before starts singing**Clears throat...spits!*

There once was a Cruiser, Strider t'was he called.
He ranged over kingdoms far with deeds that appalled.
No halflings were safe if to the Shire he came.
A friendly smile and wink t'were all part of his game.

Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!

He stalked all his victims with said smile and wink,
Most knew of his coming, as boy, did he stink.
This odour would carry on wind, rain and gale,
While people rang retching, with faces all pale!!

Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!

He once spied a Halfling, with lovely blue eyes.
Thought Strider, I'll have him, won't he be surprised!!
The Cruiser loomed in on his subject so near,
Aiming his weapon at the poor Hobbit's rear!!!

Runaway! Runaway! Runaway Hobbity chap!
He's a pervey Hobbit Fancier, some do say he has the clap!

[Whole pub now in silence - Strider not smiling so much now!!!! Has his cover been blown?!!!]

Frodo: I can't remember any more...but I'm sure all ended well!! So, you say THIS Strider is a Ranger....completely different to the one I sang about!!

Strider: (Still sat in corner) - Phew!!!

Frodo: Oh, I think I can hear Sam returning?

*Noise from outside pub* - Toot, whistle, purp, hoot, rasp!!!!

*distant noise* clip, clop, clip, clop.

(Bridget Chubb)

Sam: I'm right here, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Oh, sorry, I meant Merry of course. Must be the ale...

[Just then Merry walks in]

Merry: Hello! Ah, I'm feeling much better now. Although...it smells even worse in here! What IS that?

Frodo: It's that perv- that Ranger in the corner. Aren't you supposed to be walking around outside so that the Nazgul can almost get you?

Merry: Oh yeah! <Merry makes his way outside again.. as another burst of gas seemed impending.>

Frodo: Hey Pip, let's go get another pint, shall we?

Pippin: It comes in PAINTS? Let's go, Frodo! (makes a beeline for the bar)

Ring: That's it, Frodo... just relax... have some ale... then maybe later... you can change into something more comfortable... find an empty room... then we can have some "us" time...

Frodo: Any more of that and Sam's going to be the new Ringbearer!

Ring: *sulks*

(merithehobbit)

<Sam, Pippin and Frodo have now moved comfortably into the large common room, and are mingling nicely listening and sometimes joining in song and rhyme.>

Pippin: (speaking to some local Bree folk with Sam at his side) Well Will Whitfoot is the fattest hobbit in the Shire.. and well *sips a drink* apparently a bit too fat as the whole roof comes caving in..

Sam: Oh, was he a mess... looked just like a floured dumpling so round and white with the chalk and all..

Appledore: I am a bit curious about these Underhills... your friend there..*indicates Frodo across the room* is he related to Fern and Thistletops Underhills, or is their family the Berigron Ithilput Underhills... we have some here in Bree you know...

Sam: Er... um.. well..

Pippin: (happily chiming) Oh, no, he is related to the Lillythorpe Underhills over in Hobbiton... Now he has a rather famous uncle named Bilbo... let me just tell you about his party when he turned eleventy one..

Sam: Pip.. *nudge* ahem..

Pippin: *swig of ale* Oh, I was just a young hobbit then, it has been a few years.. oh the trouble me and my best friend Merry got in that day... fireworks.. nearly burnt off my little finger.. there's still a scar.

Sam: Pip...ahem...Frodo..

Pip: Oh, yea.. Frodo.. he is a good chap he is.. such fun. Oh, as I was saying about the big party. You know we had this huge group of hobbits all around drinking and eating... and old Bilbo gets up and gives this funny speech.

<Frodo, glances nervously from the local Breelanders he is discussing his writing career with to Pippin.. who is getting louder, and louder and closer and closer to the "disappearing Bilbo" climax... He decides to move that way and nip Pippin's conversation before he reveals too much...>

(IdrilCelebrindal)

Sam: You’d better stop him Mr. Frodo! He’s so drunk he could light all the candles on his birthday cake with his breath.

Frodo: Oh dear!

Ring: Hey, why don’t you get up and make a speech!

Frodo: <jumps up on the table> Excuse me! Could I have your attention please?

Frodo: I just wanted to thank you all for your fine company. It’s wonderful to meet so many admirable folks outside our own little Shire country!

Southerner: Yes, the Shire, where the boys are randy and the sheep are scared!

Frodo: Ummmm.... oh! That's a low blow - and talking of low blows, how's your mother?

Frodo: <laughs> Yes, if sex were fast food, your mother would have an M-shaped arch over her head!

Crowd: <murmuring> What?

Frodo: Oh that was all wrong... well as I was saying...

Crowd: A song! A song! Give us a song!

Frodo: Yes, I was just about to sing a song to express my thanks for your wonderful welcome!

Crowd: Stop talking and sing!

Frodo: What song... I need a song about a bar.... think think! Okay I have one!

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came.

Crowd: <stares slack-jawed>

Ring: How embarrassing! Put me on quick!

Frodo: What?

Ring: Quick, quick! We'll get out of here!

Frodo: Really? Alright! <slips the ring on and disappears>

Crowd: OMUG! He disappeared!!

(merithehobbit)

[Cut to Merry, Whistling to Frodo's tune he walks (toot) a bit, glancing up at the twinkling stars above... when down a small alleyway he feels a creeping presence...]

Merry: What was that? (His eyes dart around, and he steps closer)

[Merry shivering, and wide eyed... follows stealthily.. almost magnetically drawn to the hidden presence..]

[Whispers and muttering are heard just beyond his sight]

Odd Narrator: As our brave hobbit Merry approaches a sudden chill and fear overcome him... he is unaware, but nearly surrounded by Black Riders...just as he is about to break away...

Merry: Oh, what's that? *Trip, fall, biff* Umph.

(FrodoPippinSam)

Various people at the Bar: "Where'd he go?"

"Did he slip through the table?"

"He's a wizard."

"Fool! He's a hobbit"

"A wizard disguised as a hobbit!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Frodo: Where? Everything's so vague. Why is it that way.

Ring: Ah, Frodo dear it's just you and me now!

Frodo: But, Sam? Sam? Where are you!

Ring: No need for Sam. Just why don't we go outside. Don't take me off.

Frodo: (mesmerized) Don't take off the ring.

Ring: That's right, never take it off.

Frodo: Never take you off.

Ring: Never, no need to see Sam--

Frodo: (snaps out of it) Sam! (crawls over to the corner takes off the ring with a struggle)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(IdrilCelebrindal)

[Bill Ferny nods knowingly to his companion, a ill-favored Southerner. He makes a finger-through-a-hole hand gesture to him and winks.]

Southerner: Garrr... I don't swing that way you bastid!

Ferny: No, no! Come here! <whisper whisper whisper... ring, you idiot... whisper... whisper>

Southerner: Oh! Gotcha!

[They leave the inn together]

Strider: <sarcastically> Well that was clever!

Frodo: Excuse me?

Strider: Your disappearance. See all the uproar you’ve caused?

Crowd: <uproar uproar>

Butterbur: What? What?

Crowd: <uproar uproar>

Strider: Your little gold friend is tricky and gives bad advice, Mr. Baggins.

Ring: Well I never!

Frodo: <cringe>

Strider: I’d like a word with you later in your room. After everything settles down that is.

Frodo: I suppose that would be alright.

Ring: What? You’re going to let that stinky man insult me?

Strider: You’d better make some excuse to Butterbur now. See you later!

Ring: Not if we smell you first!

Frodo: <to room> Oh hullo everyone! I’m over here.

Crowd: <uproar uproar>

Frodo: <laughing nervously> Ummm... Sorry about that! Um.... bad gas attack you know... being lightweight I purped myself across the room... heh heh... um... That happens to hobbits sometimes??

Crowd: <murmur murmur>

Frodo: Well I’m off to bed then, goodnight!

Butterbur: <to self> What was I supposed to remember! Underhill... U.... letter.... letter? No, no, that’s not it. Underhill.... gas.... beans... ummm... rice... no... beans... green beans... green... yellow... no... grey... grey? No no! Let's see gas.... beans... ummmm... garden... weeds... pipeweed... pipeweed? No no! Beans... garden... pond... frog... magic frog? No, no! Fiddlesticks! Fiddlesticks? Gandalf! I’ve remembered!

Butterbur: <aloud> Mr. Underhill! I have something for you... I’ll bring it to your room in a bit!

Frodo: <huge sigh> Alright!

(lotr42)

Nazgul: *sniff, sniff* Eh, What have we here? Luckily the creature scented my pure evilness and fell on the spot. Hm... Kind of short for a Breelander.

[The Nazgul moves over to begin pawing at the prone Merry when he looks up, suddenly distracted by Nob who has come looking for the young hobbit.]

Nob: Mr. Merry! Mr. Merry! Hey you, what's going on?!?

Nazgul: *putting two finger to his imaginary face twirls an imaginary mustache and mutters* Curses, foiled again!

[The Nazgul slink off, leaving Nob to revive Merry and rejoin the group at the Inn.]

[*slink*]

(FrodoPippinSam)

Sam: (Very alarmed.) Frodo! Mr. Frodo sir! Where'd you go?

Pippin: (mumbling) he just wanted all the attention for himself. Just take it away from me, who cares?

Sam: Oh Pippin, will you shut up!

Pippin: yeah, yeah.

Sam: Oh! there he is! (disgusted) over there by that, that Ranger.

Pippin: All the attention for...

Sam: (runs over to Frodo)

Frodo: Oh, Sam, I think every one wants to have a 'private little talk' with me later.

Sam: I should like one too, Mr. Frodo.

Pippin: Yes, and I should like to teach you a lesson about stealing.

Sam: Pippin! Can't you see this is serious?

Pippin: (sarcastically) But of course it is.

Sam: Come along, Mr. Frodo. You too Mr. Pippin we should get off to our rooms before anyone causes more of a ruckus.

Frodo: (hangs his head) I didn't mean to.

Sam: I wasn't referring to you, Master. I was talking about are friend that has practically drowned himself in ale! (jerks his head towards Pippin)

Pippin: I hope you aren't referring to me. Besides, Merry should be back and wondering where in Bree we are.

[Hobbits retire to their Sitting room]

I.9. At the Sign of the Prancing Pony