(FrodoPippinSam)
Scene: Hobbits asleep at Tom's pad.
Odd Narrator: Sam awakes finding himself thrown off into a corner, mouth gaged, feet and wrists tied. He becomes aware that he is still in Tom's house and in the bedroom he and Frodo had been sleeping in in.
Sam: (thinking) Is it? Could it be! No!!!!! It's the barmaid and I'm helpless. Oh please Mr. Frodo wake up. She's on the bed! NO! No! She's going to get you! Frodo wake up! Are you still asleep?
Barmaid: Well, Sam, now you are awake. You're keen eyes are useless now, Frodo is mine. I shall run away with him and you will never see him, that is when he wakes up. I wouldn't want to disturb him. He looks so peaceful. Enjoy you're last looks because when I take him away, he will be but a memory to you! HA HA Ha HA!
Sam: (thinking) There's got to be a way to wake him.
Barmaid: It's not use, Sam. You're all washed up. Maybe if you hadn't let you're guard down, maybe if you'd been more careful. But you sliped, by the time you figure anything out, I'll be long gone and so will my precious Frodo. No longer will he be forced to stay with you!
Frodo: <mumbles>
Barmaid: He's coming around.
Frodo: (opens his eyes) Primrose? Is it you? Have you come to rescue me from Sam! Sam! SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: (awakens startled)
Frodo: Sam if you don't quit yelling and kicking me I'm going to put you on the floor!
Sam: But Mr. Frodo, she was here! The barmaid, Primrose! She was-- You were--
Frodo: You were dreaming!
Sam: But I-- (thinking) I guess I'll have to be more careful, she's out there just waiting for the perfect moment
Frodo: Go to sleep and quit kicking, My side is going to be black and blue in the morning no thanks to you!
Sam: But--
Frodo: But nothing, goodnight (falls back asleep)
[Sam eventually falls back asleep.]
(Ekla Reuel)
Odd Narrator:The Hobbits, after a fitfull nights sleep, (blamed largely on the huge amount of yellow cream and honeycombe which Sam had scoffed - thus giving him mighty wind all night!!). Awoke to the usual sound of Tom's tuneless whistling and silly rhymes outside, some distance away.
As neither of their hosts could be seen anywhere in the house, the gang from the Shire ransaked the larder for food and quickly ate breakfast alone, so Tom and Goldberry wouldn't find out that every crumb in the house had been gobbled up by the bottomless-stomached Hobbits!!!
To make an even hastyier getaway, they quickly jumped on their ponys and were off. This moving so soon after breakfast only caused to give Sam even worst stomach cramps and wind, that the others made him ride behind them....several feet away, so all might not be deafened or gassed by his internal rumblings.
Suddenly, Frodo put his hand in his pocket and discovered a stocking which he had vaguely remembered something about in a dream of he and Goldberry........what was it?......OMG!!!!!! (Realisation here!!) He thought!!! If Tom every finds out, I'll be made a snack for every Willow Tree in the dingle!!!!!!
So distressed was he, that his companions were quite shocked to see him speedily turn back, towards the Bombadil resisdence. Suddenly, upon the top if the hill the harlet...I mean Goldberry stood, fag in hand, waving heartily at Frodo. Insisting that he had some property of hers which should be immediately returned. Her unkempt appearance, with tangled hair and smudged makeup only served to highten Sams suspicions that Master Frodo and Goldberry had been up to no good the previous night, and that his terrible stomach ache, was in fact a ruse, to keep him out of the way!!!! "Ohhhh, that witch Goldberry!" said Sam under his breath........"poor Master Frodo, falling under her spell and all".By the time the rest of the Hobbits had caught up with Goldberry and Frodo, the panic and urgency seemed to have disappeared from their faces. Goldberry could be seen tucking some sort of fabric up her sleeve in an attempt to hide it.
Goldberry: Speed now fair guests! And hold to your purpose! North with the wind in the left eye and a blessing on your footsteps! Make haste while the Sun shines!
(To Frodo) Farewell, Elf-friend, it was a merry meeting! *Big Wink*
Odd Narrator: So all parted company, the Hobbits away on their journey, and Goldberry running as quick as lightening, back to the house before Tom suspected anything. The Hobbit's saw her as a distant, slender figure against the sky as she reached the bottom of the hollow, and her clear call "Oh SH*T!!! as she turned away, seeing Tom coming down from the hill on the other side of the house perhaps a little ahead of her?!
The hobbits travelled all day in the heat of the sun...Sam, still with his problem continued some distace behind the main group, whizzing and purping to his hearts content. The day began to wane, and mists began to form round about, as the sun drifted down behind the hills and their ears were still ringing from the noises of Sam, while a feeling as though a trap was waiting before them crept into their thoughts!!!
(dyanstar)
About mid-day they came to a hill.
Pippin: I'm hungry
Frodo: Wonderful!! We are half way there, we should be able to make it out of the barrows way before nightfall.
Pippin: Did I forget to say that I'm hungry.
Frodo: Excellent idea Pippin, we shall eat and be back on the road in no time.
Sam: Maybe we shouldn't stop, I could of sworn I saw that barmaid duck down beyond that hill(pointing from the direction they came)
Merry: Okay Sam, that was funny at first, but now it's getting a little old.
Sam: No really!
Frodo: Let's eat.
Odd Narrator:They all sat down and had a splendidly relaxing meal. Even Sam stopped fretting too much about the barmaid after the first couple of bites, and before they knew it, the hobbits were sound asleep.
(BunnieBugs)
The hobbits awoke suddenly to find the sun setting and a fog rising on the Downs.
They packed up their gear as quickly as possible and led their ponies down off the hill, trying to head for a gate-like gap at the northern end of the valley which they had seen earlier in the day. They then rode in single file, Frodo leading, then Sam, Pippin, and Merry.
Frodo: I think I see the gate! It's hard to tell with all this fog, but I see a gap between dark patches. Follow me!
Odd Narrator: Suddenly, Frodo sees that it is not a gate, but two huge standing stones. As he passed between them, his pony reared and he fell off. When he looked back, he found he was alone.
Frodo: Sam! Pippin! Merry! Where are you? Come along!
Odd Narrator: He ran back between the stones, and his pony bolted and ran away.
Frodo: (muttering) Oh, this is great. It would be just my luck if Sam turned out to be right about that barmaid... (calling loudly) Sam! Sam! Merry! Pippin!
Voice from the distance: Hoy! Frodo! Hoy!
Frodo: Where are you? I'm coming!
Voices: (faintly) help, help! help! aaaahhhh.....
Odd Narrator: Frodo stumbled to the top of a ridge, but it was now dark, and he could see nothing.
Frodo: Where are you?
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Frodo stumbles and passes out, then awakes, frozen in a cold tomb. He hears a voice muttering:
Cold be hand and heart and bone
and cold be sleep under stone
never more to wake on stony bed
never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead
three silly hobbits, let them lie
my cold heart doth the fourth espy
Frodo, your eyes do warm this bed
and Sam can't kill me, I'm already dead
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Ring: Yikes! Put me on and we'll get the heck out of here!
Frodo: What about the others?
Ring: What others?
Frodo: Merry and Pippin and Sam, they're right over there with a sword across their necks!
Ring: Ummm... let's see... we could leave them to die. Good plan, huh?
Frodo: Shut up, Sauron.
Ring: Stop calling me that!
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Evil Wight: MUAHAHAHAHA... [finger walks creepy hand toward the sword]
Scott Wight: What are you doing? Why don't you just kill them?
Evil Wight: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place them in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Scott Wight: They're gonna get--
Evil Wight: Sh!
Scott Wight: I'm just--
Evil Wight: Sh!
Scott Wight: All I'm say--
Evil Wight: Sh! ...Knock-knock.
Scott Wight: Who's there?
Evil Wight: Sh!
Scott Wight: But--
Evil Wight: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it..
(MEDICRN18)
Frodo: I guess there's nothing for it but to try to stop the big ugly hand from slaying them or I shall have to get to Rivendell on my own and that is too scary a thought!
(Finds sword and hacks at ugly hand for all he's worth til falls off and blood spurts out all over!"
Frodo: Oh yucky!I think I'm going to hurl!
(Evil snarling noise heard)
Frodo: I can't stand it anymore--I've got to summon Tom even if his rhyming gets on my nerves!
HO Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!
You saved our hides from the willow
Now once again we're in a jam
Please come pull us out of the frying pan!
I hope he comes despite the poor rhyming!
(RUSSELLBor)
Odd Narrator: There was a sudden deep silence in which Frodo could hear the sound of his heart beating, but far away as if coming through the walls or down through the ground an answering voice singing:
Hold the pickles hold the lettuce,
Nasty wights, they don't upset us,
Tom's got the mojo, it's in the bag
Turn loose the hobbits you undead nag!
Evil Wight: Come along Mr. Bigglesworth-wight, Time to go.
Odd Narrator: There was a loud rumbling as of stones rolling and falling and suddenly the sunlight shown in, the plain light of day left from a gaping hole in the roof as a large object streaked upward towards the heavens.
Tom:
Begone you wights, old Tom is here,
He'll hold your nose and kick your rear!
So get out now and don't come back,
Cause Pippin's hungry and youre the snack!
Odd Narrator:At these words there was a cry and part of the inner end of the chamber fell in with a crash. Then there was a long trailing shriek that faded away into the distance:
Scott Wight: Dadddeeeeeeeee
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Merry: <Waking slowly> This property has been in my family for generations! You'll get it over my dead body.... ahhhrrrggghh!
Sam: <Waking slowly> You killed my horse! My Bill! You're dead meat.... ahhhrrrggghh!
Pippin: <Waking slowly> Don't worry, you're parents won't be home for hours! Oh no, it's your Dad.... ahhrrrgghh!
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Tom:
Awake little hobbits, shake off those bad dreams!
Old Tom has foiled the wight’s nasty schemes!
Come out, now and see the bright morning!
Come out and warm up while Tom goes... um... ummm...
Oh yeah... while Tom goes acorning!
Frodo: What?
Tom: I’m going to get the ponies.
Frodo: Oh! Okay.
Pippin: That was scary and stressful!! Can I run around naked for a while? I really need some naked time.
Tom: Sure thing!
(RUSSELLBor & merithehobbit)
Pippin: YAHOOOO! NAKED TIME! C'mon Merry.
Merry: Oh, all right. yipee, yipee it's naked time.
Sam: Did you hear that Mr. Frodo? It's naked time.
Frodo: Um. . .yah. Hey, Is that a barmaid over there?
Sam: WHERE!
Frodo: Gee Sam, um... do you think she knows about...
Sam: About what? Oh (looking down at Frodo, then to Merry and Pippin flapping in the morning sunshine)
Frodo: You know.. <cringe> shrinkage?
Sam: Um, I sure hope so, I mean women know about that.. I think?
Frodo: I thought I saw her way, way over there. You had better go and take a look Sam, just in case. I'll keep an eye on things here.
Sam: I'm on it Mr. Frodo Sir! You just stay here and I'll take care of everything! I still have a bit of a rag to keep me.. um ... covered.
Frodo: Golly Sam, I'm sure lucky you came along!
(Sam runs off looking for the barmaid)
Frodo: Whew! That was too close!
(Sam returns to find Tom is back and the Hobbits are now all dressed and preparing breakfast.)
Sam: I never did find her Mr. Frodo. Are you sure you saw her? Hey, What's the deal? Is naked time over?
Frodo: Sorry Sam, my mistake. Better get something to eat, Pippin's already started
(Sam sheepishly dresses, looking oddly at Frodo.)
Pippin: Man, now I am hot! All these warm clothes on.. chomp chomp..
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Tom Bombadil:
All the ponies are here now, "Poop For Brains" and "Has Been".
"Snot Face" and "Dead Skunk" and my own Fatty Lumpkin.
Are the hobbits dressed yet? Tom doesn't mean to be rude.
But it violates Tom's parole to watch hobbits run nude.
(Bridget Chubb)
Pippin: Hey, what's this? (grabs sword off the ground)
Merry: Um, Pip, why don't you give that here...
Pippin: Why? I found it!
Frodo: Merry's right, Pippin...I don't think you need that sword.
Pippin: Why not? This way I can fight of the Black Riders myself! (mutters to Sam) And the barmaid...
Sam: (light goes on) Yeah! This way he can defend himself, and protect you, Mr. Frodo. Let him keep the sword!
Frodo: Are you forgetting how you nearly impaled yourself with a table knife at Tom's house, Pip? A PLASTIC table knife?
Pippin: Oh, c'mon, pleeeeeeease? I promise I'll be careful. And this way we can fence! (Tosses another sword to Sam, who catches it and narrowly avoids certain death. Looks terrified, then remembers the barmaid and plays along).
Merry: (walks over to Frodo. Whispers to him) This may not be such a bad idea. It could be our ticket to getting rid of both of them...
Frodo: Hmm...
(dyanstar)
Tom: Hey ho, Frodo, Merry, you ain't going for a walk in the park, maybe you should grab some weapons too.
Frodo: Yeah, I suppose we best.
[After traveling some distance to be back on the correct path out of the old forest.]
Frodo: Hehe, well we probably lost a couple of days thanks to my shortcut, but it's probably for the best, seeing as we probably lost the black riders, don't you think??
[The others give him a weary look.]
Pippin: You don't suppose those black riders will catch up with us tonight?
Tom: Uh, I don't know for sure, but I'd say you may have a few days before you have to run like mad for your lives, so let me give you some advice; go along the road until you come to the village of Bree, there look for The Prancing Pony, and ask for Barliman Butterbur, he's a nice chap, spend the night, and after that you're on your own. Well, toodleloo
Sam: I can't wait to get to this Prancing Pony, I sure hope they have ale.
Merry and Pippin: Here, here!!
Frodo: Now please remember we are on a dangerous quest, and there are dangerous black riders out to get us, so when we get to Bree, be cautious, don't tell everyone what we are up to, and for landsakes, please remember that my last name is Underhill, not Baggins.
[The hobbits hurry off towards Bree.]
(IdrilCelebrindal)
<Scene: the hobbits riding toward Bree. Pippin is riding ahead and singing. Frodo and Sam are downcast.>
Merry: Why the long faces, you two?
Frodo: We don't like this parody. It makes Sam out to be gay.
Merry: He's not? Ha ha.. just kidding, Sam!
Sam: Well I'm sick of it. I don't want to run around trying to keep Frodo from sleeping with women.
Frodo: I wouldn't anyway. And I certainly DIDN'T with Goldberry. I'm...
Sam: Don't say it Mr. Frodo. You'll never hear the end of it!
Frodo: Well, to tell you the truth, the ring would have a fit if I tried. It's more jealous than Sam's been acting.
Sam: I wish there was something we could do about it. The parody that is.
Merry: Why can't you?
Frodo: We're fictional characters, Merry. What can we do? We're entirely at the mercy of the people at the netscape board!
Merry: Oh please! You're no more fictional than they are. Stop being such a pacifist and fight back!
Sam: How?
Merry: Well, what's the name of one of the people that's been making you look bad?
Frodo: Let's see, there's Ekla Ruel.
Merry: Sheesh, is that a man or a woman?
Frodo: A woman I think.
Merry: Well that's easy, then. Do you know what Ekla's children say when they see an orc?
Sam: No what?
Merry: Daddy! Daddy!
<hobbits laugh>
Sam: Wonderful idea! What does dyanstar say when she finishes having sex with an orc?
Frodo: What?
Sam: NEXT!!
Merry: <laughs>
Frodo: <laughs a bit> So what does that mean?
Sam: <sigh>
Frodo: Alright, let me try.... mmmmm..... Merithehobbit was so insatiable that she tried to have sex with a dragon, but it burned her to a crisp.
Merry: And?
Frodo: That was it!
Sam: That was the worst joke I've ever heard in my entire life, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: I'm sorry.
Ring: <pppssst!> I've got a good one for you! <whisper whisper.... whisper whisper.... whisper whisper whisper... whisper... whisper whisper then KABOOM!> Heheheheh!
Frodo: Ick! Why would RussellBor do that? And what is a "gerbil" anyway?
Ring: Just say it!
Frodo: I will not!
Ring: <pouts> I was only trying to help!