(dyanstar)
[On their way to the ferry]
Merry: There's something funny about all this, I see; but it must wait til we get in.
Sam: You wouldn't be laughing if you'd seen the barmaid!
Frodo: Will you please, I beg of you, shut up about the barmaid!
Sam: I am only looking out for your best interests, sir.
Narrator: By this time they had reached the ferry. They climbed aboard and set of across the river. Sam was turning rather green, and Frodo was enjoying this immensely because he wasn't talking about the barmaid. The hobbits stepped off the ferry. Just then...
Sam: Frodo, do you see something across the way?
Frodo: For crying out loud, Sam she is not after me!!
Pippin: No, really Frodo, there is something back there on the ground.
[Frodo peered and saw a figure sniffing at the ground.]
Sam: It is the barmaid!!!!
Frodo rolling his eyes: It is a rider in black, not riding, of course, because he is sniffing the ground.
Merry: Thanks for stating the obvious.
Frodo: It may be obvious to you, but Sam seems a bit perplexed by the whole thing!
Sam: You are all missing the obvious fact that Frodo here is being chased by a barmaid.
Frodo: I suggest we get inside and finish this discussion later, if you insist on having it.
[Off to Crickhollow....]
(Merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The Hobbits made their way up to the little house at Crickhollow.
Merry: Well, what do you think? The Moving van guy only just unloaded it, so we have green stickers on all the furniture still, and he packed the trash can with the fish bones, so that stunk for a while, but it looks pretty good huh?
Frodo: [Frodo walks around and inspects the place and grins.] It looks fabulous...[opens a small lower drawer under the bookshelf] Oooh! Merry! You even got my "Play-Hobbit" Magazine Collection put in the right drawer! Way to go!
Merry: Of course [big grin] We were very careful about getting that selection organized weren't we Fatty?
Fatty: OH indeed, inspected them for signs of weevils and moths...
Merry: [nudges Frodo] Miss Thrimidge now she's a hottie!
Sam: [walking up behind them] Where's the bathroom I gotta pee.
Merry : Hang on there Sam. [opens bathroom door]
Odd Narrator: A large puff of steam emerges from the bathroom.
Pippin: OH NO! Bath time?
Merry: Yes...
Pippin: Dangit...do I have to wash my hair this time?
Frodo: You better, you probably have ticks.
Sam: Ticks? [starts checking Frodo's head] Well if Pip has ticks he goes last!
Pippin: This is why I hate baths, I am always last, cold water, I end up smelling like everyone else's dirt...if I'm going to be dirty I want to smell like me!
Fatty: Oh relax! Merry had me hauling in three bathtubs and filling them with hot water all evening, so get your tick laden hide in there before it does get cold!
Merry: Oh and we found a bunch of matching pink bath towels and mats...lots of lace...
Frodo: OH no! Those got packed! YUCK! I was going to leave them in the linen closet for Lobelia.
Sam: Oh...sorry I packed those, I thought you liked pink?
Merry: Well I got strawberry soap for you Sam.
Sam: Strawberry? Yay...wait...I don't like strawberry...who told you I liked strawberry?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Merry: We won't go into that now, but a little bar maid said that--
Sam: A barmaid!!!!!!!!!!!
Frodo: [rolls his eyes][under his breath] No please..
(Merithehobbit)
Merry: Maybe she said Frodo liked strawberry?
Frodo: It is nice... but don't you have Vanilla Sugar or maybe Chamomile...they're much more soothing to the aching muscles...
Merry: I got the whole freekin Victoria Secret line in there...get washin...you all smell like Pony doo doo!
Odd Narrator: The dirty travel worn hobbits did as they were told as Merry and Fatty got all domestic and made dinner. In the bathroom three naked grimy hobbits got into three shiny tubs and scrubbed with three loofas, and three scents of bubbles floated in the damp air. There were more than three bath songs, mostly off key, but Pippin had the best ones.
[swishsssy, slosh, spatter, splash]
Pippin:
Rubber Ducky, you're the one
You make splashing lots of fun
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of Youuuuuuu....
[splash]
Pippin: Hey? What you splashin me for?
[splash]
Sam: [sputter][wipes face] I think we can do without your ducky song.
Pippin: Fine...[splash] Gimme that soap dish...[splash, slosh] [talking to himself] The naval ship approaches the enemy port...they have no choice, they are in desperate need of supplies...when suddenly [boom, uhuhuhuhuhhuh...KAPLOWWWIEEE] Ahhhhhhhhhh! [splash, slap, SPLASH]
Frodo: Whoa!
Pippin: What?
Frodo: Can you keep your battle inside the bathtub please?
Pippin: [glare] [slightly softer] [Kaplooooueeeeee] [splish]
Sam: Thank You.
Pippin:
In the Navy...
yes you can sail the Sundering Seas
In the Navy...
you can find someone to tease
In the Navy...
come on Hobbits take a stand
In the Navy...
Elves and Men will hold your hand
In the Navy...
[SPLAAAOUUUSHHH!]
Frodo: Hey now! I don't want your bubbles.
Pippin: Humph...you're no fun...[quietly sings]
They want you,
they want you,
they want you....
you without the boots.
Sam: [snicker]
Odd Narrator: Suddenly Pippin stood up in the bathtub, his little white bum dripping with bubbles...and he tested the sides of the tub for sturdiness.
Sam: Pippin! You'll slip!
Frodo: Better watch out! A Black Rider will grab those honey buns!
Sam: [snork] Frodo!
Odd Narrator: Pippin perched his furry feet on either side of the bath tub and stood up carefully balancing and stretching out his arms wide.
Pippin: I'm the King of the World! [WHOOO HOOO HOOOO!]
Sam: What's that? An Iceberg?
Frodo: Looks like a Kate Winslet anyway...
Pippin: Huh? Where...WHOA!!
Splash!
Frodo: Whoa! Indeed!
Sam: Throw him a life jacket!
Merry: What the? [peeks head into the door] Pippin! Dweeb and a half...you get to clean that up...
Odd Narrator: Pippin had fallen from his bath perch and with a titanic splash, ugh...covered the bathroom floor with water.
Frodo: That's it...Hobbit belly flops and bad puns...I'm outta here...
Sam: But it's only chapter 4...you can't leave yet...we got what...58 to go?
Frodo: [sigh] I just want to christen the house, gotta walk around it naked you know.
(FrodoPippinSam & Merithehobbit)
Sam: Mr. Frodo be careful! That barmaid could be anywhere watching you...waiting for the right moment--
Frodo: SAM! [winks at Sam and puts on a robe]
Sam: Merry I just love this Eucalyptus/Avocado soap, where did you get it?
Merry: We can talk about it later, along with this barmaid business...but hurry up, I'm hungry.
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Frodo: Pippin, do you have to have naked time right now?
Pippin: I'M NAKED!!! <runs around the kitchen and sitting room> HA HA HA! I'M NAKED!!!
Sam: Does he do this often?
Frodo: Yep, I'm afraid so.
Pippin: Woo hoo! You guys should try it, it's fun! I'M NAKED!!!
Frodo: I'll pass.
Fatty: Go be naked outside Pippin, we're trying to get supper ready.
Sam: Oh crimeny, I can't believe we're taking Pippin with us to Rivendell.
Frodo: Excuse me?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: Sam, only you and I are going to Rivendell. No Pippin, no Merry, no barsmaid; just us.
Sam: Right, and I'm glad.
Frodo: I'm sure we'll miss them by the time we get to Rivendell.
Sam: If I do, I could really miss seeing that, that was too much of Pippin...
(RUSSELLBor)
[The hobbits are sitting at a kitchen table next to a fireplace. The table is piled high with empty plates, bowls and mugs.]
Pippin: (unfastening the top button of his trousers) Yeah buddy, that's what I call a meal!
[The other tree hobits are sitting and staring at Pippin with slack jawed astonishment.]
Merry: Jeeze Pip, did you have to eat Fredegar too?
Frodo: Poor old Fatty, he never knew what hit him.
Merry: It happened so fast. One moment he was there, the next, GONE! Bones and all!
Sam: Well, at least he didn't suffer. Pippin, why are you looking at me like that? Pippin?
Pippin: Oh, sorry. just daydreaming. So Frodo, you gonna tell us what's going on with you or what?
Frodo: Why whatever do you mean?
Merry: Dude, please, you were about to wet yourself back there. Not to mention the way old maggot was acting!
Sam: He was probably afraid that Pippin was going to eat him.
Pippin: Buuuuurrrrppp!
Merry: Aw for crying out. . .
Pippin: Sorry Dude, maybe we should get back to the business at hand. all right Frodo, spill it!
Frodo: Really guys, I can't it's just too dangerous.
Merry: You just want the reward all for your self.
Frodo: The reward?
Pippin: Don't play stupid with us Frodo, we know all about it. The reward, the treasure, the whole thing.
Frodo: Look guys, I don't know what you think you know but. . .
Merry: Save it dude. We know everything. Sam told us the whole story.
Frodo: Sam? He told you everything?
Pippin: Yep so there's no use stalling. We want in. 50/50 split. half for me and Pip, half for you and lover boy over there.
Frodo: Sam, is this true?
Sam: Um, sorry sir, but they had me in a bit of a corner if you take my meaning. They forced it out of me. And what with the Black Riders and all, I though that they'd make good bai...I mean theyed be nice to have along if we were to get into a bit of a pinch if you see what I mean. (winks at Frodo)
Frodo: Ah, I see. Well Sam you may be right about that. All right, you guys can have a share, but it's going to be 70/30.
Merry: 60/40 or we don't go.
Pippin: Or we beat you and grab the whole thing for ourselves!
Frodo: All right. Done. 60/40 it is. But there is still a lot left to do before we leave. We have to pack up and get rid of the evide...er, clean up the kitchen.
Merry: Everythings ready. The ponies are loaded and as for the mess, Pippin?
Pippin: allright, allright, I'll clean up.
Sam: What about the black riders?
Pippin: Excellent idea! We can just tell everyone that the black Riders ate Fatty! that way no one has to clean up.
Frodo: I don't think thats what he meant Pip. Still, it's not a bad idea.
Sam: I meant what if they show up tonight? Are we still gonna be here?
Merry: I wouldn't worry about that. Buckland gate is guarded by Brandybucks and Tooks, and they're never allowed to eat before going on duty. NOBODY gets past the gate!
Frodo: (paleing visibly) Not even Black Riders?
Pippin: (belches again) Dude, come on!
Merry: But we gotta be outa here before breakfast! Once they start eating the Dark lord himslef could waltz in without so much as a pass the ketchup!
Sam: What if they follow us?
Frodo: I've thought about that and I've decided to go the one way they would never suspect. . .
Sam: You don't mean. . .
Merry: You're not thinking. . .
Pippin: Not the. . .
Frodo: Yes, we're going on THE MAIN ROAD! (pause for dramatic effect)
Merry: Dude, that is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Pippin: Yea, what are you thinking?
Sam: Maybe we should go through the old forest?
Merry: Better.
Pippin: yes much. The main road, sheesh!
Merry: Allright then, it's decided. Everyone let's get some sleep, Pip, don't worry about cleaning up, blaming it on the Black Riders was a splendid idea, really first rate. But in the future if you could. . .
Pippin: Message recieved. Will do.
Frodo: (sigh of relief) Well good night all. See you in the a.m.
(merithehobbit)
[Suddenly Meri smacks Russ upside the head....]
<The door opens and Fatty casually strolls in!>
Merry: Good Lord! How, what where?
Frodo: Fatty! I thought... I mean Pippin..
Pippin: Oh, Hi Fatty, did you get the packs all organized?
Fatty: Yes, what? Why all the staring faces.
Sam: Pippin. I thought you ate him.
Pippin: Are you kidding. We have to have someone to leave for the Black Riders to get after we are gone!
Merry: I could have sworn that you were, that you *whispers* ate him?
Pippin: Twas the mushrooms... they make us feel so good all over... and I think a couple of them had a little bit extra magic in them!
Fatty: Did you pull the I ate Fatty trick again... geeze why everyone thinks it is so hilarious to eat a Fat hobbit... I just don't know...<looks at pippin who is unbuttoning his clothes>
Frodo: Pip, you already had naked time today, lets all get off to bed.
Sam: Really?
Merry: Sam! Sleep, remember it is something you do at night too.
[They all go off to their own separate beds and poor Frodo has a scary dream about the wind and the sea and a far off tower when....... we complete this chapter and move on to The Old Forest!]