(merithehobbit)
<Scene: kitchen in Bag End>
Merry: Frodo, you just sign these forms and Ms. Lobelia will sign them this afternoon and that will be all official.
Frodo: I can't believe I am selling Bag End; but Crickhollow will be better for me... I don't need all this space.
Merry: I am glad, you will be much happier in Buckland.. none of the ur, well, Sackville-Bagginses to bother you.. Hobbiton is rather gossipy, but then I have always preferred Buckland!
Frodo: Merry thank you for helping with all the arrangements, what would I do without such friends.
Merry: [thinking] There he goes again, he has more up his sleeve and keeps saying good bye to everyone, and everything! [smiles and taps the papers] Off to see our lovely Ms. Lobelia! You are buying me an ale after that!
[hops out the door.]
Frodo: [yells] See you at the Green Dragon...and just wait for my Birthday tomorrow, you'll get better than ale! [thinking] Got all that wine in the cellar! Hmmm, that sounds good; think I'll have some... I can hear voices from the box that holds the ring
<Scene: camera pans over the hills and fields of Hobbiton to a small, but tidy hole, with a nice view of a pig farm. Inside we find the Realtor Merry and his clients Lobelia and her son Lotho.>
Lobelia: Now I will have to have a complete inspection and inventory. I know Old Bilbo and Frodo are a strange couple of birds...
Merry: And sign here, and here... uh huh, sure..
Lotho: We must be assured that he doesn't go off again and then expect us to give up Bag End again like Bilbo that old fart!
Merry: That's why we have to sign all these forms.. it is a great and longstanding real estate requirement to protect both seller and buyer... sign this form, and then initial, oh and here are the duplicates you must sign too.
Lobelia: My quill keeps drying up there are so many signatures... is this really how many forms we need?
Merry: Oh yes, we have to have them for the town record keeping, and the legal aspects... plus there is a whole set for the circular file..
[smiles to self.]
Lotho: Oh, yes, that circular file is important mother... here's more ink.
Merry: *snork*
[grabs handkerchief and puts it up to his face to stifle his giggles.]
Oh, and sign here too...
Annoying Narrator: "After another half hour of signing, out emerges a happy and chortling Merry, passes the 'dump cart', stuffs all except 2 papers into a pile of refuse, and skips along laughing to himself straight for the Green Dragon..."
(Mcnallyrf4)
Frodo: All of Bag End, gone with a couple of signatures. [sighs] Well, I guess it's for the best, huh Sam?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Sam: Not to worry Mr. Frodo! Everything will be perfect, we'll go off to Rivendell and see the elves! The elves, Mr. Frodo, the elves! We'll get to see the elves! Don't you want to see them?
Frodo: Yes, I guess so. Go to the home of Elrond Half-elven. That's rather enlightening I guess...
<Scene: the Green Dragon>
Various hobbits: Did you hear? Frodo is selling Bag End!
Yes, and sold it to Lobelia for a good sum too!
No he didn't, she got it at a bargain price. Those S-B's got Bag End rather cheap.
Where will he be going? and why the heck is he going anyways?!
He's going to Crickhollow, back with his Brandybuck relations, queer people they are.
I hear money was running low, that's why.
All that gold that Bilbo brought back! That's impossible!
I think it's that Gandalf. Everyone knows he's hiding up in Bag End.
Unfortunately for the Gaffer, he's going to have Lobelia and Lotho for neighbors.
I shiver at the thought.
(merithehobbit)
[the group of hobbits gossiping about Frodo come to a whispering stop as four hobbits grace the doorway. the foursome make their way through the whispering patrons over to a corner booth where they speak softly, but with occasional bursts of laughter.]
Frodo: Barkeep, a round of ale for the table.
Young Hobbit Barmaid: [lifting her eyelashes and turning from collecting glasses from the nearby table] Yes sir, Mr. Frodo sir. So happy to have you in tonight. Any cause for celebration?
Frodo: Uh, well, I just sold Bag End?
YHB: Indeed. Well, we will miss you dearly around here in Hobbiton. Now Buckland will have so much more interesting hobbits to discuss.
[gives a quick shy smile and departs.]
Merry: [gives a nudge to Frodo] She's quite the hottie, eh Frodo?
Pippin: And it looks like she's hot on you...
Frodo: [blushes and rolls his eyes] I am sure she is just being nice.. now stop it. Merry you were saying something about a joke for Lobelia?
Sam: Oh, sir, I don't know if it is appropriate to hear..
Merry: Not that joke. So, I had you sign the forms and then I made up 56 extra pages for her to sign... it took nearly an hour.
Frodo: What? She has to be a hundred years old.
Merry: She kept asking for inventory... I figured she had to earn it... hee hee, Lotho too. He had quite a few for the "circular" file..
Pippin: He acted like he knew what that was too! I can just see his pompous face.
[Frodo and Sam burst out laughing. they all drink to a busy day tomorrow. (there's packing and a birthday party).]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: Well, at least I will still have you guys 'round for a while, and I'll be living in Buckland. You'll be around often enough, right Merry?
Merry: [nudges Pippin] But of course Frodo. I intend to be around for a while, but I must be off to warm your house too, you know. I'll be there when you get there.
Pippin: [nudging Merry back] And I'll be commin' with ya, Frodo, erm, to Crickhollow that is, you won't be lonely!
Sam: Mr. Frodo, have you noticed that that Barmaid hasn't stopped fluttering her eyelashes and staring at you for the past hour?
Frodo: It came to my attention, but let me assure you Sam, nothing is going on between us.
Sam: Alright, should I perhaps tell her off?
Frodo: No, no that's quite alright, she'll have nothing to flutter her eyelashes at when I'm gone. It's not like she's actually going to come after me...
Sam: True I guess. You're right, Mr. Frodo, like usual.
(Idril)
<Scene: Stock Road>
[Frodo, Sam and Pippin are tramping along.]
Pippin: Lovely birthday party yesterday. Do you know what my favorite part was? The fireworks!
Frodo: There weren't any fireworks.
Pippin: Oh yeah! No fireworks. Well at least the pastries were good.
Frodo: You know very well there weren't any pastries. We had a nice fruitcake so we could have leftovers on our trip.
Pippin: Oh yeah [rolls eyes] Fruitcake is MUCH better than pastries.
Sam: Fruitcake, YUMMY.
[makes gagging face.]
Well at least the band was good. What was the name of the band?
Frodo: Shut up Sam.
Pippin: Right! The Shut Up Sams are my favorite group.
Frodo: [sulks] Now how would it look if I threw a big party when I'm supposed to be low on funds! You all drank up all the old Winyards, now you're just grouchy because you have hangovers.
[Clop Clop Clop Clop]
Sam: What's that, a pony?
Frodo: Some busybody, or our tardy Gandalf. Let's get off the road.
(MOEOP)
[Soundtrack: Theme from Jaws. dahhhdauh.........dahhhhdauh.........dahhhhdauh..dahhhhdauh..dahhhhdauh....)
(Idril)
[they hide. Nazgul approaches. Frodo almost puts on the ring. Nazgul hesitates, then rides away.]
Pippin: What was that?
Frodo: It was the Boogieman. He was looking for a Took to eat.
Pippin: [SQUEAK!]
Frodo: Yes, they love Tooks marinated in old Winyards and stuffed with fruitcake.
Pippin: [SQUEAK!]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: Anyways, let's continue. The wine was good, Bilbo had kept it in the basement for so long and it was such a good year. [sarcastically] Just perfect for the occasion...
Pippin: Oh do liven up! We aren't marching into the worst thing in the world we've ever done!
Sam: We aren't?
Pippin: No or course not! Not like that one time I got caught by Farmer Maggot when I was stealing mushrooms, or when Merry got his head stuck in the jello on his birthday...
Frodo: That's enough. Lets just get going and enjoy the weather, if that is possible.
(Idril)
Sam: That black rider was queer. I think there was one like that asking about you at my Gaffer's, Mr Frodo.
Frodo: Really?
Sam: Yes, sir. Of course my Gaffer is deaf as a post. The black rider asks for "Baggins" and he thought he said "haggis". He sent him off toward Hardbottle.
(merithehobbit)
<Scene: Crickhollow>
[Merry and Fatty are unloading furniture.]
Fatty: Hey, look at all the maps and papers in this box.
Merry: Well, Frodo is heading off to Rivendell.
Fatty: He is?
Merry: I can't go into details, Sam was pretty drunk when he told Pip and I about his quest.
Fatty: He isn't staying here? [motions to the lovely new premises they have been fixing as Frodo's home] You mean we are doing all this hard work for nothing?
Merry: No, no, actually, I was wondering if you could help us out here. See, Frodo thinks he can go all the way to Rivendell with just Sam.
[Fatty nods his head.]
Merry: You and I know he is going to need help, so Pip and I are going. But someone has to stay here and keep up appearances. So I was wondering.. you know, as you are still staying with your parents, maybe you could hold the fort here at Crickhollow?
Fatty: Me? Sure! I'd love to... I was afraid you would ask me to go. I can't imagine going all the way across the world... too scary.
Merry: Great, let's get this stuff inside, I have to arrange some bathtubs for when they get here... I am so sure they will be so dirty and I just can't abide filthy hobbits!
(merithehobbit and FrodoPippinSam)
<Scene: the road, kinda>
[Frodo, Sam and Pippin are singing traveling songs along the dark road. since spying a Black Rider earlier they have been tromping through the bushes and trees along the side of the road.]
Sam: What's that?
Pippin: Do you think that there is more than one black rider? Or this will be the same one over again?
Frodo: Hide, quick, I'll stand here till the last second and hope it isn't a bad thing.
[Sam and Pippin flee far from the road, but Frodo stays rather close.]
Black rider: Sniff sniff
[Frodo waits, then plops on the ground.]
[Nazgul slowly comes down road. starts snuffling around their location.]
[Frodo tries not to fall victim to the ring. hears elves singing.]
[Nazgul rides off.]
[Sam and Pippin come over to Frodo.]
Sam: You were awful close Mr. Frodo, are you alright?
Frodo: Yes, Sam, I'm fine.
Sam: You look like you've been working very hard, beggin' your pardon, but we've been going at a really leisurely pace.
Pippin: Sam's right. You sure you're ok, Frodo? You're best in shape better than all of us.
Frodo: YES!! YES!! YES!! I'm sorry I'm overreacting, I know you all are just concerned.
[off down the road, we hear high ringing voices singing.]
Frodo: Elves.
Sam: Yippee! Elves.
Pippin: Huh? Where?
(dyanstar, Sevilodorf and FrodoPippinSam)
[The singing elves approach.]
Gildor: Look! It's Frodo and other hobbits. How strange, I did not see this written in the stars. What could it mean?
Pippin: Should we hide?
Elves: Too late we already see you.
Frodo: How did you know my name??
Gildor: Because we spy on Bilbo and we've seen you with him.
[Frodo becomes excited because he recognizes them as high elves.]
Frodo: You know Bilbo.
Gildor: Of course I do, Frodo. And I know you too.
Frodo: What is your name?
Gildor: My name is Gildor and I am very important, and not very boring.
Elves: What's a nice bunch of hobbits doing in a place like this?
Pippin: Trying to keep away from the Boogiemen. You know they eat hobbits stuffed with fruitcake.
[Elves begin to edge away from Pippin.]
Elf: [mutters] Strawberry bubble bath....
[Frodo shakes his head sadly.]
Frodo: He means Black Riders.
Pippin: That would be the black riders.
Other Hobbits: Shut up Pippin!!!!
Elf: You've got Black Riders chasing you. ... Well gotta run, we're kind of late for our ship and Cirdan runs a real tight schedule you know.
Gildor: Wait a minute, we can't just leave them to wander around the woods, Elrond wouldn't like that. He's really fond of that Bilbo you know. [sighs] Blasted Hobbits, but you are so dreadfully boring, and you don't even know where we are going, so hah!
Frodo: Where exactly are you going?
Gildor: Well I seem to be going the same way you are.
Frodo: So I see. And your final destination is..
Gildor: None of your business.
Sam: [whispering to Frodo] Maybe these elves aren't all they're made out to be.
Gildor: I'm sorry, I must have heard you incorrectly. What did you say?
Sam: You elves are more than some make you out to be!
Gildor: I'm glad you think so.
Frodo: Can we go with you? Please!!!! Uh? We seem to be going in the same direction, if that helps.
Pippin: [eagerly] I know this really great magic trick with a carrot, and Sam here knows some really interesting limericks.
[Elves move even further from Pippin.]
[Frodo shakes his head again.]
Gildor: You are obviously running from something. So we can take you with us on our road tonight... though hobbits are really dull company. Very well, you may have the pleasure of my, um I mean our company for as long as we can stand you.
[Elves and Hobbits start walking toward Woodhall.]
Pippin: Frodo, Gildor, I'm tired. When are we going to stop? We've been goin on and on...
Gildor: We will stop when we get to where we are going.
Pippin: And when might that be?
Gildor: When we arrive there.
Pippin: [sighs] Elves. [starts mumbling.]
(dyanstar)
<Scene: at Woodhall>
[the hobbits pass out from exhaustion, only to be woken up a few moments later by Gildor.]
Gildor: Up! Up! You lazy hobbits. Time to eat. Though if you were at our real home it would be much more splendid.
[Pippin at the mention of food is up, all sleepiness forgotten. it takes the others a few more minutes to catch on, but they soon forget their sleepiness as well.]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Pippin: [through mouthfuls] this is...very good..food, Gildor...Best I've had...in weeks...
Gildor: Thank you, I think.
[every one finishes eating.]
Pippin: Well, I'm off to bed. I'm rather tired. Good night Frodo, Sam, Gildor, and all the rest of you.
[leaves and goes to a bed that was made for him.]
[Sam falls asleep.]
(dyanstar)
[Gildor is forced to sit with Frodo, because it is the only free seat left.]
Gildor: So, Frodo, you don't talk much, but I can read you like a book. You are leaving the Shire aren't you?
Frodo: Am I that transparent?
Gildor: No, you are just a hobbit and I am really, really smart. Don't worry I won't tell the bad guy.
Frodo: You know an awful lot you filthy spy.
Gildor: I am smart enough to figure out if you are running from black riders you are probably in trouble, dimwit.
Frodo: What are black riders then? Smarty pants.
Gildor: If Gandalf didn't tell you then I don't think you need to know. If you're scared of black riders, you'd hate to see what else is out there.
Frodo: Pashaw, there couldn't be anything scarier than black riders.
Gildor: You keep telling yourself that. Pleasant dreams.