(Idril)
Annoying Narrator II: Seventeen years pass. Frodo has settled comfortably into Bag End and has taken on a lot of Bilbo's odd traits, wandering far afield and talking with foreign folk. He also celebrates his joint birthday with Bilbo every year.
(Russ)
<Scene: The Green Dragon: Interior>
[Sam and Ted are sitting facing each other at opposite ends of a large fireplace.]
Sam: Ow you doin'?
Ted: Ow you doin'?
Sam: So Ted, whaddya hear 'boud dat thing?
Ted: Wat, dat walkin' tree thing?
Sam: Yeah, dat thing. Hal said he saw one.
Ted: Fahgeddaboudit, Hals always seein' things.
Sam: You're a funny guy.
Ted: Excuse me?
(MEDICRN18)
[Sam, getting ready to leave Green Dragon now, shaking his head.]
Sam: Well drat that Ted. If he didn't just get the better of me in that showdown! Well I best be getting off to my gardening so I can conveniently be under the right window just when Gandalf has an important chat with Mr. Frodo!
(merithehobbit)
<Scene: Near Farmer Maggot's field>
Odd Narrator: "Merry and Pippin, best friends since just lads, are now in their wild and crazy tweens. They regularly sneak into Farmer Maggots field and steal various vegetables to feed their huge appetites! This is a convenient thing, for later on we will need these valiant young hobbits to aide their very good friends on a back country journey out of the Shire."
Pippin: Dang, can't find any mushrooms over here.
Merry: Well, let's go get an ale. We still have to wait for the whole scene to play out over there at Bag End before we get to do anything really significant.
Pippin: [sighs] Do you think Frodo will agree and everything?.. he is kind of a scaredy cat.
Merry: Sure, he already hears the voices and Gandalf is VERY convincing...but don't let on that you have a clue... we aren't supposed to know anything yet!
[voices trail off.]
(Idril)
<Scene: Bag End, after breakfast>
Gandalf: [yelling out window] Sam, are you there listening?
Sam: [sigh] Yes, yes!
Gandalf: Good! Don't forget to cut the grass too.
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: Nothing, nothing. Now Frodo, I need for you to throw Bilbo's ring into the fire so that we can tell if it's the one ring.
Ring: Oh don't, I'm not the one ring!
Frodo: It says it's not the one ring.
Gandalf: Yes it is.
Ring: Am not!
Frodo: I don't think it is.
Gandalf: Come on now, throw it in.
Ring: No! I don't want to go in the fire!
Gandalf: Don't be a baby!
Frodo: Perhaps we shouldn't.
Ring: Yes, lets wait until after lunch at least.
Gandalf: Oh you're just stalling, you're the one ring and you know it.
Ring: I'm not really! I'm just 10 karat, I might melt in the fire!
Frodo: Yes it might melt!
Gandalf: Don't be silly. In you go!
Frodo: [reluctantly throws ring into the fire.]
Ring: Ahhh! I'm melting!
Gandalf: No you aren't.
Ring: You're so mean! Just like Sauron!
Gandalf: HA!
Ring: Oh s***, did I just say that?
(Celebsul)
[Think we need a bit of music to fill the dramatic pause. How about 'Feeling Hot Hot Hot'. Nasty UK song played in Spanish bars. Can't recall who by.]
(MOEOP)
(Aside: Played by Gandalf on his portable synthesizer.)
(suekota7)
Another Very Odd Narrator: "Suddenly Gandalf stopped keyboarding, as if listening. Frodo became aware that all was very quiet, except for that stomach growling of his (as his breakfast was a bit short due to that Greedy Gandalf eating more than his share of seed biscuits.) Gandalf shushed Frodo's stomach with a quick flick of his wrist, and crept to one side of the window. Then with a dart he sprang to the sill, thrust a long arm out and downwards. There was a squawk and a "**%$#*&!" and up came Sam Gamgee's curly head hauled by one ear!"
(Idril)
Frodo: Ummm... Gandalf. Aren't you going to take the ring out of the fire and tell me what in the hell is going on?
(FrodoPippinSam)
Gandalf: Oh, of course I had almost forgotten. Sam go back outside. (takes a pair of pliers and picks up the ring) Take it, Frodo, it's quite cool.
[Frodo takes the ring.]
Gandalf: Are there any markings on it?
(MEDICRN18)
Frodo: Um yes, it say in small letters "Made in Taiwan"--Huh?
Gandalf: Oh drat, sorry that's the Ring's stunt double.(fumbles in pocket) Here's the real one! Carry on!
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: No, none that I can see. It's the same old plain ring.
Gandalf: [turns away from Frodo muttering] but I could have sworn...
Ring: Told you!
(Merithehobbit)
Frodo: No! Wait, something's written here. It looks like some form of Elvish, Yiddish, Finnish... no maybe Hieroglyphics...that thing looks like a bird... whatever it is it must have been a pain in the rear end to etch on here...talk about your specialty shop class!! I can't read it.
[clip, clip, clip, chop...pause, clip, clip, sheer]
Gandalf: [turns around] It is the language of Mordor that I shall not utter here, but in the common tongue it reads: One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. Pretty scary, huh?
Frodo: What the heck does that mean?
Gandalf: Well it is part of a very scary and creepy poem that Elves wrote way back before anyone had a clue about stuff, and of course everyone forgot except for brilliant old me...and a few other ancient individuals, but you'll meet them later!
[clip, clip...eeep...pause]
Frodo: So I suppose you're going to quote it?
Gandalf: Of course! Ahem...
Three Rings for Elven Kings no one really knows why,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords who only used them to get stoned,
Nine for Mortal Men on death row to fry,
One for the scheming Dark Lord with many Orc drones,
In the Land of Mordor where the Lord became an eye,
One creep to rule them all, One dude to find them,
One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Lord became an eye.
Frodo: It isn't that creepy...but I still don't get it.
[clip, clip, ponder, clip, snip]
Gandalf: Well, had you read the script you'd understand, but I'm about to launch into a HUGE explanation...get comfy.
Frodo: Will there be commercials? I already have to visit the privy.
Gandalf: Well hurry up then, I have an entire day of explaining the history of Middle Earth to do before we get to hedge trimmers.
[very fast clipping, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip, clip]
Frodo: [from the privy] HUH?
Gandalf: Never mind.
Frodo: Well, how about you start with...how did this ring with a deep and dark history come to me, the cutest Hobbit in the Shire?
Ring: [grin] I only work with the best and brightest!!
Gandalf: Shhh...not now.
Frodo: [walking back in, buttoning his pants] Did you say something?
Gandalf: No, you ready for the history lesson?
Frodo: I suppose...can we make it the Cliff Notes version? I have a stinkin suspicion this is going to be a MASSIVE parody...don't want ruin the readership by boring history at the second chapter.
Gandalf: You have a point there. How about a sum up?
Frodo: CNN format...you got sixty seconds.
Gandalf: [pout] Oh all right, you modern kids are so impatient. [clears throat]: A long time ago...
[clip, clip, pause...]
Frodo: Oh I know this one...in a galaxy far, far away?
Gandalf: No...no...be quiet or my sixty seconds will be gone...starting over: A long time ago there was this guy named Sauron who made a bunch of magic rings. Elves, always fashion conscious, fell for the trend and made three of their own which Sauron never got those. The dwarves had seven they got from Sauron Enterprises, before it went bankrupt, and three defaulted on their loans and had to return them. The other four were snacks for dragons. The Men that had the rings all were ensnared in bankruptcy and have become servants of the Dark Lord...creepy bad guys...you'll meet them later.
[eeeep....clip, clip, clip, clip]
Frodo: Oh yeah right! Talk faster.
Gandalf: Well, long story short, all but Sauron's ring and the Elves' rings are in the hands of Sauron, who happens to be in the form of a creepy shadowy shape, only visible in the form of a flaming eye...you'll get to see that later too, very nice special effects.
Frodo: The bad guy isn't even a guy? He's an eyeball?
[clip, clip...snicker...clip]
Gandalf: Um...yeah.
Frodo: So Sauron lost the ring...and then?
Gandalf: Gollum found it...he used to be a kind of hobbit, and he did all this bad stuff, and decided to go underground selling drugs and paraphernalia, got caught up in the Orc lifestyle and the ring was with him until Bilbo found it and came back here. The problem is, that Gollum kinda spilled the beans to the folks in Mordor and well, they're headed your way.
Frodo: No kiddin! Dang, well we could Fed-Ex it to them, save them the trip!
Gandalf: [smacks Frodo on the head] NO! Sauron wants the ring, but if he gets the brazen thing it would be bad...
Ring: [snicker]
Gandalf: [glare] Sauron would take over all these places you've never heard of yet, like Minas Tirith, Rohan, and Lothlorien, and eventually the Shire would fall to his power, no more Mom and Pop stores, no more individual cobblers and farmers, all subsidized and bought out by corporate entities that are all owned and controlled as subsidiaries of Sauron Enterprises...
Frodo: And that means?
Gandalf: Uh...no more Free Buffet Nights at the Floating Log! Pretty much life would be over.
[eeeep, snip....clip.....snip]
Frodo: Now that's serious! Let's get rid of it...can we burn it, break it...I got a blow torch around here somewhere.
Ring: Eeep.
Frodo: Dang it's out of gas.
Ring: Whew!
Gandalf: Uh...Frodo it cannot be destroyed here, it would ruin the story.
Frodo: Oh. Um...well it can't stay here if Shire lifestyle is at stake!
Gandalf: Well, uh...it kind of needs to be destroyed in the Cracks of Mt. Doom.
Frodo: Okay, well here ya go, take it away and drop it off on your way to get film next time.
Gandalf: ACK! Don’t' give it to me, I can't do that kind of job...I'm much too high profile!
Frodo: Wha? You want ME to take it out of the Shire? NO WAY!
[snipping is closer and slower]
Gandalf: Um...but I've scoured the Shire and you're the perfect Hobbit! You have a good stage presence, beautiful eyes and no prior attachments, great walking legs, and perfect moaner. You've had your shots haven't you?
Frodo: Shots?
Gandalf: No matter...
Frodo: Uh...how far away is this again? I have a doctor's appointment in three weeks.
Gandalf: Perfect, get your shots then! It's about [mumble, mumble, mumble] miles. And with your stamina it should take you about [mumble, mumble] no problem!
Frodo: [Eyes him warily] Well, if it will keep the Shire from trouble...
[clunk...sound of sheers falling and feet padding]
[the room falls deathly quiet as Gandalf goes over to the window sill.]
(tinuvielberen)
[he reaches over the sill and grabs. he comes up with air. he frowns and looks at his watch. he calls out the windowsill.]
Gandalf: Now would be a good time, Sam!
[Gandalf leans inside again. he taps his foot and waits.precisely ninety seconds later, Sam comes catapulting through the window. he smells of ale.]
Sam: "I weren't drink--er, dropping no eaves, sir."
[Frodo shoots him his trademark (and patented) hang-dog, sad-eyed, reproachful expression. (a very faint roaring can be heard in the background. It is the inevitable approach of Idril's Naz-girls)]
(FrodoPippinSam)
Gandalf: What did you hear?
Sam: What? Nothing, no really I didn't... oh I was supposed to? But you said that 17yrs ago. Am I really supposed to? Oh, alright, I heard a great deal about a ring, a dark lord, and up ale--the end of the earth....
(RUSSELLBor)
Gandalf: Well that's it, there's nothing for it but to send you off with Frodo. . .
Frodo: Go with m...
Sam: Go with Frodo. . .together. . .all alone - just the two of us?
(MOEOP)
[Soundtrack squeals and starts playing Just the Two of Us by Will Smith. (Jus da two uv us, we can make it if wee tryeeee.. jus the two uv us, oh yeh oh yeh...) then squeals off as Frodo blinks away visions of Sam giving him bubble baths.]
(RUSSELLBor)
Frodo: Um, Gandalf. . .
Gandalf: [tousles the hair on Sam's head while Sam shoots a sidelong leer at Frodo] Yes, yes, well I'm afraid it can't be helped.
Frodo: [looking fearfully at Sam] But Gandalf. . .
Gandalf: So it's all set then!
Frodo: [getting angry] Look Gandalf!
Gandalf: Don't you raise your voice to me Frodo Baggins, or it will be my turn to get angry and then you may see Gandalf the Grey un clo. . .[pauses, glances at Sam]. . .on second thought, never mind.
Sam: Yipee! Yahoo! Me and Mr. Frodo, goin' on a trip, together, just the two of us.
[Sam bursts into tears of happiness.]
(MEDICRN18)
Sam: I just want all you folks to know the aforementioned leering, etc. was just the ale talking! I am very comitted to my Rosie. You may all continue now with the scene.
(Celebsul)
Gaffer: [to Sam] Have you got plenty of hankies? You will look after Mr Frodo carefully, won't you? Here, I've packed some sandwiches. You go and see Mr. Frodo to his new home then hurry back here 'cos I'll miss you sommit awful. Make sure that silly pair, Merry and Pippin, are going to look after him as well as you did. I got this awful preminition, me being fanciful, heh. You take care, Sam, you'll be back in the shake of a pony's tail.
Sound Engineer: 'All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go. I'm standing here outside your door' (apologies to younger generation, add your own music)
(Idril)
Frodo: So Sam, you want to go on a trip and you seem to be in the grip of a Shattner-like being who's making you leer at me. And Gandalf, you threw my ring in the fire and now it's got some writing on it. Since the two of you seem to have some idea of what's going on, and no inclination to share that knowledge with anyone else, I have a lovely idea. Why don't the two of you go on a trip together? As Bilbo used to say, "Good morning! Now I'm going to go have some lunch."
(merithehobbit)
[cut to our most illustrious pair of troublemakers over the hill and past a bit to the Ivy Bush.]
Pippin: We need to get in on this chapter some more. I told my publicist I needed more screen time.
Merry: Sheesh, it is a rather important part of the adventure.. more ale barkeep...thanks...
Pippin: Well, I hope they do a little explaining over there at Bag End. Even I know more about what is going on than Frodo...
[Sam walks in, downcast and hardly acknowledges others in bar...]
Merry: Oh, Sam.. hullo there, come sit by us a bit. Barkeep, an ale for our friend Samwise!
Pippin: What's the long face for there Sam?
Sam: Oh, uh, nothing Master Pippin, I am, well, lots of clipping to do over at Bag End today..
Merry: You seem so concerned. Is Frodo well? I thought I saw Gandalf's hat earlier but maybe I was mistaken?
Sam: Oh, No, Gandalf is here.. It's like this Master Merry, I am unsure, I um. I don't know what to do... [plops head down on bar.]
Merry: Dear Sam, do tell all! We love a good storie! Can we help you, us Brandybucks have connections you know!
Sam: Well, Frodo needs to sell Bag End...
Pippin: What? Sell Bag End?
Merry: Is there some, financial trouble we were unaware of, I mean, we mooch off Frodo all the time. What can be done?
Sam: Oh, brother... it isn't that... I shouldn't say anything, but I need...
[takes another swig.]
Merry: That's right, drink some more... then your tongue will loosen up!
Sam: [stands up in alarm] No, I can't say! I can't stay.. I am so worried.
[plops down again in despair.]
Pippin: We're your best friends! If Frodo needs to sell, I think Merry has passed his real estate license, he could move him out, maybe to Bucklebury.
Merry: Oh, yea.. nice real estate out there... I'll look into it, and get you some information on it that you can pass along to Frodo... now drink up.. [under his breath] I want more information from you Sam---
(lotr42)
<Scene: Quick cut to Mordor>
Nazgul number 8: Oh fiddlesticks! I missed my cue to ride out of the gates of Mt Doom to hunt for something called "Shhiiiirrreee" and "Baagggiiinnneeessss"!
[riding hard, he thunders out the gate and nearly bowls over Nazguls number 3,6 and 7. (Apparently five of the ringwraiths rode off without them. Miscellaneous (but fashionable) Nazgul number 8 is delighted to not be the last to depart. Sauron can get quite cranky when not obeyed.)]
Oh well, at least the other five will get there in time to cover for us. Lets head to Rivendell and see if we can't catch up to them by the river.
[thundering of horses feet.]
(FrodoPippinSam)
<Scene: Bag End>
Frodo: So Gandalf, what you are trying to say is that I must leave Bag End, Hobbition, and the whole Shire! But my beloved Bag End. Sell it? To whom? No one I know is looking to move.
Gandalf: Well I'm sure Otho and --
Frodo: The SBs! I can't believe you Gandalf! There no way in the world they shall ever get Bag End, they mustn't!
Gandalf: Well then what do you think we should do, eh?
Frodo: I- I don't know. But I can't just up and leave with a note saying I leave Bag End to the SBs and go off with Sam.
Gandalf: No no, of course not. Perhaps you could pretend that the money is running out and you are going to live elsewhere.
Frodo: And where might elsewhere be?!
[Merry, Pippin, and (a very drunk) Sam burst through the door.]
Merry: Frodo, just the hobbit I've been looking for.
Frodo: [quite startled] Why?
Merry: I've got a bit of a problem, you see, I've got property out in Crickhollow that I must sell and relatively soon. Do you know anyone that might be interested?
[winks at Pippin.]
Frodo: [glancing at Gandalf] I might, but why do you need my help for that?
Merry: [pauses] because... um
Pippin: 'cause there were alot of people that Bilbo and you know that we don't and maybe they are interested in moving.
Frodo: I see.
Merry: Yes, if you could contact any individuals that would be great. Now we really must be going, isn't that right, Sam?
Sam: What ever you say, Mr. Merry. But I thought we came to ask if Frodo wanted to buy--
Merry: No of course not, he lives in Bag End *cough cough* [nudges Sam] Now come along.
[the trio leaves Frodo and Gandalf standing in the foyer.]
Gandalf: Elsewhere might just be Crickhollow.
(Russ)
<Scene: 2 MONTHS LATER>
Gandalf: Well, I have to be off!
Frodo: [dryly] What? So soon? There's still a pinch of Longbottom left in my private stock, not to mention some moldy biscuts and the last dregs of ale in my pantry.
Gandalf: [laughing] Oh Frodo lad! You Hobbits are such merry creatures always quick with a jest! But I'm afraid I have to go, I have been idle far too long.
Frodo: Ya think?
Gandalf: Well, I'm sure nothing important is going on, but I think I just pop on down south for a bit and have a little look-see. You have made all of the um, preparations?
Frodo: Yes. I sent my belongings off yesterday, everyone thinks I'm going to Crickhollow.
Gandalf: And Master Samwise?
Frodo: No dice. That little perv has managed to find out everything no matter how hard I tried to keep it a secret.
Gandalf: Oh well, my bad. He may come in handy though. After all, not even the wise. . .
Frodo: . . .can see all ends, yeah, yeah, yeah. [to himself] He may come in handy for warg bait.
Gandalf: Pardon?
Frodo: I said I'm sure hell be just dandy, I can hardly wait.
Gandalf: Well, ta-ta, I must be off, I'll try and hook up with you on the road, you may need my company!
Frodo: [mutters] yeah, your company and OUR food!
Gandalf: Bye-bye then, and remember, don't use the ring, especially if you're in a hopeless situation and surrounded and surrounded by angry ring-wraiths!
Frodo: Ring-wha...?
Gandalf: Nothing important. Well, be good, be careful, trust no one, don't take any wooden nickels, shalom, aloha, arrieve..
[SLAM!!!!!]
Frodo: I thought he'd never leave! Well, let's see, what time is it? Oh well it's only June! I've got until, oh say, September before I have to go. I think I'll take a little nap.
(Bridget Chubb)
[Sam rushes in.]
Sam: Good morning Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: [under his breath] Oh goody... [aloud] Good morning, Sam.
Sam: I just met Gandalf going out the door.
Frodo: Oh really? Did he say anything to you?
Sam: Yup! He said, "Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee!" And I don't mean to. I'm going to stay right by your side until this Quest is over, and that's a fact!
Frodo: Oh great!
Sam: Pardon me, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Umm..nothing, Sam. Look, I really think Gandalf meant not to leave me when we're actually *on* the Quest. I mean, I'm still at Bag End! What could possibly happen?
Sam: Oh, no, Mr. Gandalf didn't say anything like that! No, you won't get rid of me, sir! I don't dare not follow his instructions...I mean, I don't want him to have cause to turn me into anything unnatural, if you take my meaning.
Frodo: Oh, but I don't think...
Sam: Now then, Mr. Frodo, not another word! Why don't I make some nice taters to cheer you up! (leaves)
Frodo: This is just what I need!
(azaeliahardbotle)
Voice of Ring: [whispering] Frooodooo....Now's your chanccccee.... Let's get outta here!
(Idril)
[Frodo wandering about the Shire with Merry.]
Frodo: [SIGH] Oh my beloved homeland! Shall I ever see this sight again?
Merry: Ummm... Frodo. That's the outhouse.
Frodo: Oh, sorry Merry. Let's walk over this way, shall we?
Merry: Haven't you said goodbye to the midden already?
Frodo: Said goodbye? I don't know what you're talking about!
Merry: Yeah, whatever. Let's go over to the Green Dragon and say goodbye to some ale.
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: You go ahead, I've something I must attend to, [muttering] I must go to the grocery store to stock up to go to Rivendell.
Merry: What's that?
Frodo: What what?
Merry: I didn't hear what you said
Frodo: You go ahead and I'll catch up with you later
Merry: You sure? My treat. [muttering] Information would be nice, Sam's been keeping some minor details from us.
Frodo: Yes I'm sure. I really must be getting back.