(IdrilCelebrindal)
<Scene: After the Nazgul have run away>
Sam's Blade: Narsil, Narsil! Frodo's Blade is hurt!
Frodo's Blade: <MOAN>
Narsil: <looks serious> He has stabbed a Nazgul. This is beyond my skills... Frodo's blade needs elvish care. We must get him to Rivendell.
Frodo's Blade: <MOAN>
Sam's Blade: But that's six days away! He'll never make it!
(Thranduilion)
<<The Prince of Mirkwood has stopped to munch on some waybread on his westward journey to Imladris. He stands on a hillside and, with his keen elf-sight, peers off far to the west. Beyond the house of Elrond, beyond the Bruinen, nearly all the way to Weathertop.>>
Legolas: Lo, and hark! What vision do I see past yon valley with my keen and far-seeing eyes?
His horse, Aglaron: Sigh. I don't know, Leg, what dost thou see?
Legolas: Call me not by that base name! And methinks mesees a SHRUBBERY! No, I am mistaken. 'Tis merely a Man, with bad hair if I guess correctly. He wanders about with a pony and three children . . . or is it four? Ah, it seems one is stricken with some grave injury. Mehopes the Man knows of the use of that healing herb brought by the Men of Westernesse out of the fair island of Numenor . . . Queensmuck!
Aglaron: Kingsfoil, you dork.
Legolas: That's what I said. Aw, heck. Well, they're not my problem anyway. I've got more important things on my mind. I really hope Mithrandir and that Estel guy, heir of something important, are not in Imladris when I get there. Elrond's wrath will be quite enough, thank you.
Aglaron: (bounding up eagerly, peering off into the distance as well) Asfolath! Hey, look, it's Asfolath! He's trying to get to the men and the children . . . hey, who's that riding him? That doesn't look like . . . I can't make it out!
Legolas: Come one, let's go. We should make it to Elrond's house to deliver my embarrassing news in just a few more weeks if we keep up the pace. Noro lim, Aglaron!
(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile, back by Weathertop, Frodo wakes suddenly to find himself lying by a fire piled high with burning faggots . . . I mean . . .uh, wood, you know.
Frodo: Ack! What happened? Was that a time warp? I was dreaming it! I want to be it! Let's go!
Ring: All right, that's enough Rocky Hobbit for now. Can I get some attention here?
OddNar: Merry, Pippin, and Sam all stare at him anxiously. Strider is nowhere to be seen. Frodo stuffs the Ring back in his pocket to shut it up and rubs his eyes groggily.
Frodo: Shut up, you little trinket.
Ring: <pout>
Frodo: How'd you do that? You don't even have lips!
Sam: Uh, Mr. Frodo? Are you all right?
(Bridget Chubb)
Frodo: Sure, Sam, I'm fine. Why do you ask?
Merry: Hold it, hold it!
Frodo: What?
Merry: You've been stabbed by a Ringwraith, remember?
Frodo: Umm...yeah.
Merry: So...you're turning into a Wraith...there's a deadly chill spreading through your body...
Frodo: But I feel fine!
Merry: (stamps his foot) I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Frodo: Bug off. Hey, who feels like dancing? (Jumps up and starts doing the Time Warp)
Pippin: Woohoo! (Joins in)
Merry: (sulks)
(IdrilCelebrindal)
<Scene: Strider strides into the hobbit's camp after a long absence>
Sam: Where in the HELL have you been?
Strider: Picking flowers... Oh! I mean gathering healing herbs for Frodo. <holds up a cloth bag>
Sam: Good idea! Were you able to find any Borage?
Strider: Well no. I...
Sam: Alright, how about Milk Thistle?
Strider: No.
Sam: Echinacea? Juniper Berry?
Strider: Nope, no.
Sam: I'd give my left arm for some Lobelia, though not the Sackville-Baggins variety.
Strider: No Lobelia, sorry.
Sam: Okay, how about Feverfew, Valerian Root, Bloodroot, St. Johns Wort or Horehound?
Strider: Ummm... no to all those.
Sam: No Butcher's Broom, Goldenseal, Slippery Elm, Hyssop or Wood Betony then I suppose.
Strider: Nope.
Sam: Burdock Root?
Strider: Let me check. <looks in bag> Nope.
Sam: Any Red Clover, Mountain Cranberry, White Willow Bark, Eyebright, Hyssop, Chamomile, Skullcap or Rosemary?
Strider: Nope.
Sam: Bugleweed, Sarsaparilla, Cramp Bark, Yellow Dock or Sida Cordifolia?
Strider: Nope.
Sam: Well what did you get?
Strider: <proudly> Athelas!
Sam: Kingsfoil? You mean you were out all that time finding the main ingredient in strawberry scented soap?
Strider: Well... yes. Athelas is the main ingredient in strawberry scented soap? I didn't know that!
Sam: <rolls eyes>
Strider: Anyhoo... let's get this stuff cooked up and give Frodo a bath.
Sam: <brightens> I am *so* there!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Our three healthy hobbits, their suffering friend Frodo, and Strider begin to make the long trip to Rivendell..
[Trudge.. trudge...trudge.. (sick of writing trudge)]
Odd Narrator: It was becoming a more difficult journey as Frodo began to suffer so.
Frodo: No really I feel great!
<Merry shoves him back on the pony.>
Merry: You do not feel great.. remember the Nazgul..
(FrodoPippinSam)
Frodo: (eyes return to normal) (faking) I feel...I'm fine you, arh! I mean, I feel fine, I can, er walk. No need to stare. (tries to get off the horse)
Sam: Sorry, Mr. Frodo, but you best ride on Bill. You don't look as well as you claim. You're a horrible liar anyways. There's no fooling your Sam.
Merry: Nor I. Frodo, you feel terrible and you know. Give up and ride on Bill.
Frodo: But- but!
Pippin: No buts cousin, Frodo. Come on now, we gots ta get yas ta Rivydell!
Sam: Yes, yes, Strider! Can't we wait? This grueling pace is killing Mr. Frodo--
Strider: It will kill him to stop. He must get to Rivendell.
(merithehobbit)
Frodo's Blade: <weakly> yeah..
Frodo: Oh, all right... sigh....moan, moan.. thrash...groan.
Sam: Oh, dear.. my dear sweet master.. Oh Frodo..
<Frodo looks at Sam as he struggles for breath (he skipped the croup and went right into Stridor (a real breathing condition...heh, heh)..>
Sam: Oh, my pooor mast... AAAAAAAAACHHHHHH... What the heck happened to your EYES!!!!
Pippin: EEEWWW... I think someone slipped something into his contact lens solution!
Merry: <coming over> Hmmm. They are nasty.. and all fuzzy.. looks like an infection... we may have to quarantine him...pink eye.. well this would be...blue eye... is really catchy.
Strider: And how exactly would you know that you Realtor... I'm the smart healer dude here..
Merry: So, what the heck?
Strider: He has Stridor. And well, he's turning into a Ringwraith.
Frodo: Thrash, thrash...moan..grunt...ugh..
Strider: Gotta keep going..
Pippin: But..but...
Strider: Don't even start Pip!
[Trudge...trudge...trudge..]
(RUSSELLBor)
Odd Narrator: For five long, dreary, scary, miserable days and nights the little band trudged on. Always in fear of Black Riders and the occasional Barmaids, Strider kept a sharp lookout between his naps while the Hobbits slept. Finally the party tops a low hill giving them a sweeping view of the valley below. In the distance they can see the road once more, and to their right is the river. Further away, shrouded in mist, is another valley with a second river.
Strider: Okay, at ease everyone, take five, smoke 'em if you got em.
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo Sir, isn't that a pretty picture?
Frodo: ENOONMAI, ENOONMAI, ENOONMAI. . .MERINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Sam: Um, Strider, a question if I may?
Strider: Yes my little halfling friend?
Sam: Why is Mr. Frodo's head on backwards?
Strider: (Mutters) It's the poison. It does that sometimes. Pay it no attention.
Merry: Hey Pip, what do you think we could get for subdivision on this hill?
Pippin: Uh? Oh, sorry, I was just wondering why Frodo's head is spinning like a friggin' top.
Strider: (still muttering) It's the poison, it does that sometimes. Pay it no attention.
Sam: Are you sure we should stop here Strider?. . .Strider?. . .STRIDERRRRRRRR!
Strider: Aragornsonofarathorn,lastinthe. . .Um. Hello Sam.
Sam: Were you sleeping again?
Strider: (Yawning) Why no I was just uh. . .resting my eyes! Yeah, that's the ticket! And I was. . .Mmmmmeditating, yeah, THAT's what I was doing.
Sam: *sigh* Well my master doesn't look too good, I think we had better get going!
Strider: (standing and looking at Frodo's spinning head) Well Sam, you may just be right. ALL RIGHT PEOPLE, SADDLE UP!!
Pippin: Oh that is IT! He's been doing that for five days! I am SO going to harsh his groove!
Merry: I heard that, MAJOR harsh. But not yet, we need this Bozo to get us to Rivendell so we can score the reward and beat feet back to the Shire!
Pippin: Okay, okay. I'll wait, but if he does that one more time!
Sam: Which way Strider?
Strider: We'll have to go the one way that they'll never expect,
Pippin: You don't mean...
Merry: We're not going to...
Sam: Not the. . .
Strider: That's right, we're going to take THE MAIN ROAD!
(pause for dramatic effect)
Merry: Cool.
Pippin: Works for me.
Sam: Let's go.
Narsil: Psst, don't forget the bridge.
Strider: Oh, yeah, (clears throat) And then we must cross. . .THE LAST BRIDGE!
Pippin: Whatever dude, let's go.
Strider: which, of course, will probably be held against us by the enemy, but since this is still the first of three books, I wouldn't worry about it too darn much.
Sam: Huh?
Strider: Nevermind, let's go.
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Strider, scrabbling around in mud, finds small, pale-green jewel. Wipes his hands on his hair and goes back over to hobbits.
Beryl: Hello there, I'm here to tell you that it's quite safe to cross this bridge. Who's the cute ring? We'd make a lovely couple in the right setting.
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Narsil, Ring, Sam's Blade and Bill in unison: SHUT TF UP!
Beryl: Ha! Make me!
Frodo's Blade: <MOAN>
(RUSSELLBor)
Strider: Hey everyone! Look what I found!
Sam: A rock? So what?
Strider: It's not just any rock, it's a, it's a, . . .
Beryl: It's a Myltyn Beryl you idiot!
Strider: It's a Myltyn beryl you idiot. . .um.
Sam: HEY!
Strider: Sorry Sam.
Sam: Hmmmph!
Merry: A Myltyn Beryl? I've heard of them, but I thought they were all lost long ago!
Pippin: Yeah, and weren't hey all in black and white? This one's green.
Merry: Maybe it's a Myryon Beryl?
Sam: Could it be a Beryl Bonds?
Pippin: Or a Beryl Mynylow?
Frodo: NO! NOMORE PLEEEEEEESE MAKE IT STOP!
Strider: Strange are the ways of Elves.
Sam: What?
Merry: Dude, that made no sense at all.
Frodo: EURRRRPPPPP!
Sam: INCOMING!
(Everyone ducks as Frodo emits a fire hose strength stream of yuckky green liquid from his mouth)
Merry: I wish he'd quit doing that.
Pippin: Me too but I have to agree with the sentiment.
Strider: (who forgot to duck holds the stone next to the fresh stain on his shirt) Hey, the color matches that of the Myltyn Beryl! I shall take it as a sign that we may pass the bridge in safety! But after that we're on our own. Sharp eyes everyone!
(Silarien)
Odd Narrator: Strider, the oh-so-well-traveled ranger, leads the party over the bridge, up hill and down dale, up hill and round and round in circles for a couple of days, getting nowhere until PIPPIN!!! finds a proper path. They wind up in front of a troll-hole.
(pippin1986)
Odd Narrator: The 5 pass through many streams and marshes as well.....
Pip: Strider, do we HAVE to go through the marsh? Can't we just go around it? Look, there's path right over there!
Strider: NO!
Sam: but-
Strider: NO! We HAVE to go through the marsh. There's lots of mud (giggles to self) and ooohoohoo swamp-muck and ooooooo even some nasty stinking water! We just HAVE to go through it!
Merry: (grumble) That's what he said about that last stream. The one that had those nice rocks to hop over, but noooo we had to go through it. I think he just wants to make us miserable.
Strider: What? No, not at all little friend.
Sam: Then why-
Strider: In order to look like a weather-stained ranger, I have to be dirty, muddy, smelly, and bushy. (I think the stream actually made me cleaner than usual, so now I have to go get extra dirty again to make up for it)
Pippin: But then why don't YOU go through the mud and swamp and we go around?
Frodo: arrrghhhhh
Sam: See, he's not feeling very well, since (grumble) the best thing you could do for him was *cough* give him a BATH! For a noble, wise ranger, we thought you could do better than THAT!
Strider: well, uh....*ahem*
Sam: Hmph.
Strider: Tralalalalolly, let's go dance in the mud! (throws gob in the air, in happy joy)
Sam: dork
Pippin: well, it MIGHT be fun... (throws gob back at Strider)
Strider: MUD FIIIGGGHHHTTTT!
Pippin: wheeeeeeeeeee! (goes wild)
Strider: (slathers mud over self) there we go. Since that last stream, which was rather muddy, I have been cleaner than usual. This mud is soothing to the soul! Come, tramp in it!
Sam: (grumble) I think I'll go look for some REAL herbs to help Mr. Frodo......
Strider: NO! I'm the one who's 'sposed to heal him! So come along, and play in the mud!
(Silarien and merithehobbit)
scene: <at the Troll Hole, high noonish.. sun shining brightly... hint...hint.>
Frodo: <sits down gingerly> sigh... I am pretty tired.
Sam: Oh, master...what can I get you.. water.. apples... uh. mud?
Pippin: OOhhh. It is scary.. you think trolls are still hanging out here?
Strider: Uh.. dunno.
Pippin: In'it dangerous?
Strider: Yeah, very.
Pippin: I'll just be brave and go a wandering down this little lane here by my little self..
Merry: <Watching Pippin go..> Uh, where's he going.. Time Out?
Strider: You better go with him...
Merry: Oh.. OK.. <Brave, brave hobbits are we...>
Strider: <sits down next to Frodo> Whoo, some peace and quiet for once...
Narsil: What?
Ring: Hey let's sing a song, just to fill the dead air..
Frodo/Strider: SHHH..
<Just then Merry and Pippin come running up terrified>
Strider: <muttering> Just when you think you will be able to sit down.. no rest for the weary...
Pippin: THERE ARE TROLLS!!! They'll come and stomp us!
Merry: Pant, pant, gasp <huddles behind Strider> There right down there in the clearing.
Strider: Yup.
Merry: Well DO something, Strider!
Strider: Oh okay, if you insist [lopes lazily over to trolls and throws Beryl at one]
Beryl: [Pings off stooping troll and boomerangs back into Strider's hand] Wheeeeee!
Hobbits: GASP
Frodo: You're forgetting our Family history.. remember Bilbo that guy I got Bag End from.. and the Troll story. Hah, hee hee, they're Bilbo's Frozen Trolls. Sounds like a dessert ... aw, think I'm going to chuck again.
Pippin: Oh Yea! I remember that story. Oh, it was a good one.. I guess he wasn't lying after all!
Merry: Sheesh... In my panic I forgot that Trolls turn to stone in sunlight.. duh!
Strider: Look that one has a nest behind its ear.
Sam: Oh, poor birdies... the ear wax alone!
Merry: Yeah, we're not going to get stomped. Won't someone give us a song while it is all nice out.. and the Nazgul have lost our trail for a minute.. and we are waiting the decision of the board on who is going to save the day?
Frodo: Sing it again, Sam.
Sam: Okay [to an old tune]
I'm a grave-robbin' troll
'Cos I've got no meat
And a big fat troll
Really needs to eat
Then along comes Tom
With his big boots on
Says I'm chewing on his Uncle Tim
Now Tim's bones rest
Back where they belong
I prefer fresh flesh
So I've eaten Tom
You should not just stroll
Up and kick a troll
That Tom was terminally dim
(dyanstar)
Odd Narrator:As Strider and his four hobbit companions are looking for a place to camp they begin to hear a horses hooves "clippety-clippety-clip."
Strider: Uh, Maybe we should hide (shrugs shoulders).
Pippin: Eeek!!
Frodo: (moan and groan) I do not think that sounds like a black rider.
Merry: I think you are right. If you listen carefully, the hooves we are now hearing sound like "clippety-clippety-clip", whereas if you had listened to the black riders earlier you would have distinctly heard a "clippety-clippety-clop."
[Strider, Sam, and Pippin stare slackjawed]
Merry: It was a long trek and I was really bored.
Frodo: That was what I was trying to say! (moan and groan) I think I am beginning to feel worse.
[Suddenly Frodo sees a bright glowing person on a horse approaching from the right.]
Strider: Why if it isn't old Glori?!
Glorfindel: That's Glorfindel
Strider: Yes, of course. Hobbit friends this is my good elf friend Glori
Glorfindel: Glorfindel
Strider: Yes, of course
[Just then Frodo sees another strange glowing person on a horse approaching from the left.]
Frodo: Ummmm, is it just me, or are these elves glowing??
Merry: You are sick.
Frodo: But, you are not glowing.
Merry: I do not think they are glowing.
Frodo: I don't remember if Gildor glowed.
Merry: They aren't glowing.
Frodo: Uhg, I'm not feeling so well. (moan and groan)
(FrodoPippinSam)
Sam: Well of course you aren't feeling well. You've been stabbed by the disappearing blade. Why don't you take a rest, Mr. Frodo. It'd do you good.
Frodo: Sam, they're glowing, can't you see that?
Sam: I'm afraid not, Mr. Frodo. Close your pretty blue eyes and go to sleep.
Frodo: (yelling, but not very loud) THEY ARE GLOWING!
Pippin: I don't mean any disrespect, but Frodo, shut up!
Frodo: Glowing elves.
Sam: Mr. Frodo--
Frodo: Alright alright! I'll go to sleep.
Strider: No! no! Don't do that, I want you to meet Glori and-- Arwen what are you doing here?!
(azaeliahardbotle)
Arwen: Esteeeel! You're not supposed to see me yet! Turn around so I can put my sword in your neck!
Strider: Oh sorry! (Turns around)
Arwen: What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?
Glorfindel: Hey! You are not even supposed to BE here! This is MY big rescue scene! You get to do all the kissy kissy scenes in Rivendell so take your Xena wanna-be self and buzz off!!
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Arwen: Oh it's Glorfindel, the archetype dumb blonde!
Glorfindel: What's that? Arwen, I think I hear your Daddy calling you. You'd best run home!
Arwen: <rolling eyes> Some people just won't stay dead.
(FrodoPippinSam)
Arwen: Anyway, I am here for Frodo.
(merithehobbit)
Arwen: So Glori.. um how long have you been searching..
Glorfindel: Stop calling me that you know how much I hate that... <glares at Arwen, then speaking to Aragorn> 9 days I have been searching for...
Arwen: I found them in 2 (light laughter).. You've never been a good tracker.. 9 days. *snork*
Strider: OK so you both tied.. we've had..
Glorfindel: <ignoring Strider> Oh yes, your excellent skills as a seamstress makes you *so* qualified to help. What are you going to do, sew the Black Riders' pants legs together so they can't get on their horses?
Arwen: Glorfindel, darling... all your friends have left these shores. Why are you still here?
Merry and Pippin: <Snicker, snicker>
Arwen: <finally turning to Strider> Oh dearest of mine. There are 5 Black Riders hot on your tail.
Glorfindel: 5? I only saw 4.. are you sure?
Arwen: Of course it was 5.. I'm an ELF remember.. perfect eyesight!
Glorfindel: Well so am I, and I say there were 4.
Merry and Pippin: <Snicker, snicker>
Sam: Uh. Strider?
Strider/Aragorn (to Arwen): Well, Arwen I am really glad to see you..
Sam: Uh. Strider?
Frodo: Moan.
Arwen (to Aragorn): I knew you would be sweetie pie...
Sam: Uh. STRIDER! GRRRRRRR! Stop giving each other the googlie eyes and pay attention! Frodo is sick!
Frodo: Moan.. <slipping off pony and loosing consciousness.>
Glorfindel: <catches Frodo in the blink of an eye> Oh, hey.. he is sick.. check it out... Nazgul woundage!
Arwen: Where.. I want to see, you don't get to see Nazgul woundage everyday... <comes over to inspect the wound>
Strider/Aragorn: Hey.. Arwen?
Arwen: We need to get him to my Dad.. there's no way I can fix that!
Glorfindel: Me neither.. here put him on my horse.
Frodo: Nooo! <fades again>
Merry: Oh! EEEWWWW! There go his eyes again!
Pippin: Is it catchy?
Sam: <smack> Pip! Of course not.. remember he got stabbed.. hello!
Arwen: No... he should go on my horse.. it is way better!
Glorfindel: No way.. mine is better!
Sam: Do elves always bicker like this.
Strider/Aragorn: Um.. yea! Why do you think I go wandering off alone all the time!
Sam: I thought it was because you were a Pervy...
Frodo: Ugh, sigh, moan.. I.. will.. not... ride.. and... leave.. you.. my.. friends... behind! (Nearly collapses, as that was a whole sentence.)
Glorfindel: Frodo.. you have to ride my horse.. he is really the fastest thing ever.. and if the Nazgul do arrive.. well they aren't after us!
Frodo: Oh.. I forgot. Well OK.
Merry: Um, Arwen, does that mean I can ride your horse..
Arwen: <glare> Of course not!
(IdrilCelebrindal)
[Frodo feels even more strange as everything goes fuzzy]
(Bridget Chubb)
Arwen: (continuing) *I'm* going to ride my horse...and Frodo is too!
Glorfindel: Um, I think we've already established that Frodo's going to ride *my* horse.
Arwen: Oh no! A Balrog!
Glorfindel: <SQUEAK> (jumps 10 feet in the air)
Arwen: Ha! Made you look!
Glorfindel: (gives Arwen murderous look) Very funny.
*Glorfindel grabs Frodo, whose head nearly falls off. Luckily Sam makes a quick save. Glorfindel shoves Frodo onto Asfaloth.*
Glorfindel: Noro lim, Asfaloth!
Arwen: Fat chance! (Grabs Frodo before Asfaloth can move. Glorfindel grabs him too, and they proceed to have a tug-of-war. Sam freaks, Merry and Pippin start cheering Glorfindel on, and Aragorn doesn't notice that anything's going on.)
Glorfindel: (raspy Nazgul voice) Give up the Halfling! (cough...cough...normal voice returns) Oops...I mean...Frodo should come with me...I have the faster horse, and I know a shortcut to Rivendell...
Arwen: No! Frodo is MINE! I shall run away with him...he will be but a memory to you! Oops! Um, I mean, I shall take him to the fair haven of Rivendell, where my father will heal him...and feed him...and give you strawberry soap...and...
(But Sam has already caught on)
Sam: (gasps) You're not Arwen! You're the barmaid...the barmaid from my dream!
Merry: I thought we got rid of the barmaid...
Sam: Me too...And you know, I really DON'T care if Frodo sleeps with her or not...
(all stand in confused silence)
Pippin: But Frodo's hurt! We can't let the barmaid take her away!
Sam: You're right, Pip! Give him up, Arwen!
(The 3 hobbits run to help Glorfindel in the tug-of-war, and successfully get Frodo away)
Glorfindel: Such wise little hobbits! Now I'll be able to (creepy Nazgul voice returns) return the Ring to its master at last...
Sam: What?
Glorfindel: (cough cough) (Normal voice) What?
Sam: Now you'll be able to *what*?
Glorfindel: Now I'll be able to return to the healing of master Elrond at last!
Sam: (gives Glorfindel suspicious look)
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Sam: Mr. Frodo! <chafes Frodo's hand> Wake up, wake up!
Frodo: <jerks awake> Oh Sam, the barmaid and the evil Glorfindel! What will we do?
Sam: What? What are you talking about, Mr. Frodo! You need to keep awake so you can sit on Mr. Glorfindel's horse.
Frodo: They were fighting over me!
Sam: Not at all Mr. Frodo. You're going to ride Glorfindel's horse, Asfolath.
Frodo: But they were arguing!
Sam: Yes, but Merry suggested you should ride the horse with the coolest name, remember? And Arwen's horse is named Pumpkin.
Frodo: Oh, I must have had an evil dream. The barmaid was very frightening... she said her name was Bridget!
Sam: Yikes!
[The party starts off down the main road toward Rivendell. The elves pass the time by bickering]
Glorfindel: Arwen sweetie, can you wave your sword around like you did in the movie? You know that makes me hot.
Arwen: Daddy warned me about your kind. Those of us of Luthien Tinuviel's line attract all sorts of pervy old elves.
Glorfindel: I knew Luthien Tinuviel; and you, my dear, are no Luthien Tinuviel.
Arwen: That's right, you were wonderful friends. In fact, you were in her will, weren't you? "To Glorfindel I leave all my lingerie, as I know of his love for wearing ladies undergarments under his robes."
Glorfindel: Oh Arwen, I think I figured out which half of you is human. No elf has a butt that big.
Arwen: Hmmph! At least I'm not 8,000 years old and still single.
Glorfindel: At least I'm not going to turn grey and die on a hill.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: After riding all day, Sam, Merry and Pippin lay exhausted on the ground..sleeping and dreaming of the Shire, with a hope that they wouldn't have to walk so far tomorrow.. and of food! Frodo had drifted off into a sleep quickly... as everything had begun to look like night to him... it was all a blur!
Glorfindel sat guarding the camp just outside the fire light...
Over out of earshot whispered Arwen and Aragorn:
Aragorn: I have missed you so.. kissy, kissy..
Arwen: Kiss.. um.. Aragorn.. did you bring your toothbrush? Or a mint?
Aragorn: No.. are you kidding.. I am out in the wild.. musky like.
Arwen: Pleeeeeeaaaaazzzzze! You smell like mud. Even your face... how on earth do you manage to get so dirty..
Aragorn: Uh.. dirty?
Glorfindel: <saunters over> I think you two should sleep on opposite sides of the fire.. don't you?
Arwen: Geeze Glori.. what? Did my Dad send you as a chaperone?
Glorfindel: I just know what your Dad would say about our little campout with heir-presumptive boy here.
Arwen: Oh, all right <storms off to other side of fire and plops down> (thinking.. He's too stinky to kiss anyway).
Odd Narrator: In the morning the hobbits were not as rested as they'd like.. but Glorfindel was prodding them all along like cattle.
Merry: Glori, um do we really have to go this fast.
Glorfindel: D'oh! Not you too.
Pippin: Yeah Meester Glori Elf, I mean, we're on foot and if the Black Riders come upon us... is it really going to get us away any faster?
Glorfindel: Well, it'll get Frodo along faster.
Frodo: MOAN
Frodo's Sword: MOAN
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Aragorn/Strider: Don't start!
Glorfindel: Are they always this chatty, and annoying..
Aragorn: Yes.. (under breath) like some other people I know..
[They made good time until suddenly Arwen stopped]
Arwen: Hey I hear something.
Glorfindel: I heard it before you.
Arwen: Did not!
Glorfindel: Did too.. I was just listening..
Aragorn: Shhh, what do you hear?
Arwen: Sounds like coconuts.
Glorfindel: <To horse> FLY!!!! The Black Riders! FLY, FLY! The enemy is upon us!
Asfolath: Fly, Fly, Fly... can't he just say giddyup? I am not a bird! <takes off with a bouncing Frodo> I am an awesome glowing white horse who can really kick.... Oh.. gotta run.. focus!
(Ekla Reuel)
[Asfolath now back to full speed. (Lone Ranger style)]
(MOEOP>
datada datda tada dat daaaaaa..datada datda datada datda datada datda datda tada dat daaaaaa... oh wait, that's Bonanza... [record squeals and William Tell Overture blares...] diddi duh diddi duh diddi duh duh DUH...... [blam! squeal...](Ekla Reuel)
[Ring begins to feel a little fearful. Starts to sing while bumping around on Frodo, who is waning in and out of consciousness.]Ring sings: (Music - I will survive by Gloria Gaynor)
When first I was made, I was electrified.
Kept thinking I’m just a ring with naff writing on my side.
But then I spent so many nights planning to be strong
And I did wrong, bringing trouble all along!!!
And so I’m back, getting on your case,
I just walk round to see that one-eyed look without a face.
I should have tempted Aragorn,
And that old Gandalf too,
If I thought for just one second I’d be Gollum’s precious! Eeewww!!!
Go on now go, walk out the door,
Put me on and disappear, scare hobbits by the score!!
Aren’t I the one who might make Galadriel go mad?
Do you think I’m worth it, surely there’s fun here to be had?
No not I? I’m not alive? Oh as long as I’m with Frodo
I’ve not long to survive.
I’ve got evil to display, make that poor Boromir sway,
I won’t survive? Hey, hey!!!
It took everything I had not to fall apart,
And now I’m off to Rivendell, as the Wraiths depart.
I’ve spent so many nights, in Bilbo’s company,
Now I am saving all my tricks up to escape from Mount Doom free!!
Oh I want to go! You ride through the wood?
Just turn round and Barrow Downs to me look pretty good!
Aren’t I the one with troubles of my own?
I can be accessorised, but you don’t ever want to know!
No not I? I Wanna to stay alive! Oh as long as I’m with Frodo
I’ve not long to survive.
Mordor is on the cards and that sword won't always be shards!!
I think I’m done for!!! Hey, hey!!!!
Frodo: <to self> Sheesh!!......I'm delirious!!! Ring is singing that song that Sam likes to hum in private?! Ouch! bumpy, road, through, wood, be careful, I AM injured you know!!! <Bump, bump, bump!!>
(RUSSELLBor)
<Frodo's head turns backwards on his shoulders>
Frodo: Now if I can just see what's going on. . .
Tense Nazgul: Eeeyech! That's just wrong!
Dog Breath Nazgul: I dunno, I kinda like it.
Tense Nazgul: You would!
Dog Breath Nazgul: Oh like you can talk, when was the last time you looked in a mirror!
Creepy Nazgul: Hey, shut up and ride, can't you see that he's getting away?
Geeky Nazgul: Don't worry, I've got it covered. <slips two bony fingers into what is left of his mouth and blows a feeble whistle>
Creepy Nazgul: What the heck was that?
Geeky Nazgul: It was a whistle.
Creepy Nazgul: Oh no, I've heard a whistle before and THAT was not it.
Geeky Nazgul: Well it was close enough, LOOK!
<Frodo's head swivels madly left and right, his face, as usual, a picture of fear and despair>
Frodo: I'm doomed! DOOMED!!!
Frodo's Blade: I'm doomed! DOOMED!!! <TWEAK>
Director: CUE THE NAZGUL AMBUSH!
[nothing.]
Director: I SAID, CUE THE NAZGUL AMBUSH!!!!
Nazgul #9: Oh c**p dude that's us, we're on!
<Suddenly two Nazgul lunge out of the woods to the left and two more to the right, coffee mugs, playing cards and cigarettes flying from their hands as they reach for their swords.
Nazgul #8: Oh bollocks! I forgot my sword!
Nazgul #9: Too late now, just pretend, play it off. Maybe they won't notice!
Frodo: Oh no, we'll never make it! What do I do now?
Ring: putmeonputmeonputmeon
Frodo: No, I think I'll just shut my eyes instead, this is way too scary!
[Camera angle: Overhead shot, Nazgul closing on Frodo, 3 of them brandishing swords, one shaking his fist angrily and generally looking evil and threatening.]
[Cut to the river: Frodo steps and turns to face the nine, drawing his blade.]
Frodo: Why are you doing this to me? I never bothered anyone! *snif* Please just go away and leave me alone.
(IdrilCelebrindal)
Frodo's Blade: Aaakk! <SPASM> Too much pressure! <TWEAK> I can't handle this! <SHATTER>
(RUSSELLBor)
Creepy Nazgul: Dude, give us the ring and we'll call it even. I know you stabbed me in the foot and all, but hey bygones. What do you say, deal?
Frodo: Oh, all right. But you're going to have to come over here to get it. I'm just way too tired.
Ring: YES!
Asfaloth: What?
Frodo: Shh! Stay frosty! We're on the other side of the river right?
Asfaloth: Duh! I know how to block a scene!
Frodo: Just checking.
Nazgul: <rides out into the middle of the river> The Ring! The Ring!
Frodo: Psych!
Nazgul: Huh?
<Suddenly the noise of raging water and rolling stones roars down the river, sweeping the Nazgul away!>
Asfaloth: Cool!
Frodo: Told ya.
Asfaloth: How'd you do it?
Frodo: I didn't, it was the CGI guys.
Asfaloth: As long as it works. Let's go home.
Frodo: I'm with ya.
Odd Narrator: Frodo disappears into the forest on the back of Asfaloth, and just before he passes out he can hear the horse singing softly to him, an unfamiliar tune of Elvenkind, one sung long ago, few there are now that even know it's meaning:
Asfaloth: . . .it's a gas, gas, gas.