(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: "As our four brave hobbits settled in with Strider in the village of Bree a dark breeze was blowing toward Crickhollow. Fatty Bolger was growing more and more nervous and couldn't quell the feeling of dread and cold that was creeping his way. He peaked out and stared into the gloom seeing dark movements that made the hair on his neck stand up.. he locked the door."
The Door: [BAM BAM BAM.. shudder.]
Scary Menacing Voice: Open in the name of Mordor!
The Door: [BAM BAM..crreeeeeakkk plop.]
[the door falls off its hinges and black figures creep in....]
Fatty: AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!
Tense Nazgul: What the crap?
Rather Geeky Nazgul: Oh, man! The little twerp must have gotten away... that's the "horn of Buckland".
Tense Nazgul: There's a horn of Buckland? Really?
Geeky Nazgul: Let's get the heck out of Dodge.
[they scatter.]
Odd Narrator: "You see Fatty was so scared he took off running and collapsed at the nearest house...over a mile away (and for anyone fat to run a mile... well you can relate...whew!)"
Fatty: [huff, puff, wheeze, huff, hack, cough! sob.]
Odd Narrator: "The Brandybucks were indeed blowing their own horn...something that had not been done in a long time. The alarm was spreading, the Nazgul fleeing... knowing that a bunch of scary hobbits was WAY too much for them.... they rode on through trying to act all tough and smart...for they had discovered that Crickhollow was empty."
Tense Nazgul: Dang, we came all the way over here to the Shire... no time for a drink or smoke or anything!
Geek Nazgul: You can't eat or smoke you idiot! You're half dead and half alive.. let's ride! Oh, run over that hobbit if you can.
Nazgul Horse: Sheesh.. making me ride ALL the way out here and now he wants me to smash a hobbit..
<Scene: Bree>
(dyanstar)
Odd Narrator: "Back at The Prancing Pony, the hobbits were tucked in, all nice and comfy, sleeping soundly....until Frodo woke up for a moment. Something had disturbed his sleep. He looked around the room and noticed Strider was awake and staring at them. "Creepy" he thought, and soon fell back to a restless sleep filled with dreams of horses and whispers."
(RUSSELLBor)
[in the distance a horn can be heard blowing, Frodo's eyes snap open to see Strider, dozing peacefully in his chair by the nearly dead fire. a cock is heard crowing lustily. . .(no, no, no). . .in the courtyard.]
Frodo: Hey Strider, wake up! You were supposed to keep watch and tend the fire! What kind of Ranger are you anyway?
Strider: [awakening abruptly] . . .sonofArathorn, lastinline of. . .Oh! Um, Morning?
Frodo: I wish Gandalf were here.
Strider: All right everyone, let's saddle up! That's Ranger talk! Isn't it cool!
Pippin: [burrowing back under the covers] Whatever Dude, come back in five, I was having the most erot. . .HEY!!!!!!
[Frodo throws another bucket of water on Merry.]
Frodo: Come on you Hobbits, rise and shine!
[picks up another bucket of water.]
SAM!!
Sam: I'm up! I'm up!
Frodo: Um, Strider, do think you could check on our other rooms?
Strider: Me? Oh I think I'd better stay here and keep an eye on things. Why don't you go?
Frodo: Hey, you're the one with half a sword!
Strider: Well. . .Here, you take it.
Ring: There goes the neighborhood!
Frodo: I heard that!
Narsil: And I heard that!
Strider: What?
Frodo: Nevermind.
Narsil: Nevermind.
Ring: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck HAD HALF A SWORD BWAHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW!
Narsil: Go ahead, laugh while you can, but I know how this story ends, I'VE READ THE BOOK!
Ring: Spoilsport!
Sam: Yeah, and what about Aragorn son of Arathorn yadda yadda?
Pippin: Yeah, yadda yadda, what Sam said!
Merry: What?
Everyone else: NEVER MIND!
Strider: Okay, okay, I'm going. But you guys get your stuff together and follow behind me.
Ring: Yeah, WAY BEHIND!!!
Narsil: I'm warning you. . .
(Idril)
Narsil: Aragorn, sweetie... remember what we talked about?
Strider: [blush.. whispering] But I haven't, really! Not since Thursday!
Narsil: No no, the other thing... the thing about being brave?
Strider: [whispering] Oh that.... right! Sorry!
(Thranduilion)
Strider: C'mon! I wanna see the other room! I wanna see if my brilliant plan to fool the black riders into thinking you were in there worked and if your presence here caused the ruin of several expensive items belonging to Mr. Butterbur!
Hobbits: [sigh.]
Ring: Putmeonputmeonputmeonputmeon!
Narsil: Shut up!
Merry: Huh?
Frodo: I'm with Narsil. Oh, fine, let's go.
[Strider leads Narsil, the Ring, and the four hobbits to . . . ]
(dyanstar)
[ ... go and peer into their old rooms. They came upon it in shambles.]
Pippin: Eeeek!!
Strider: Ah ha! It was a good idea I had to secure those other rooms. I am so clever. Anyways, I will run and fetch Butterbur at once.
Frodo: [under his breath] Good make yourself useful.
Strider: What was that?
Frodo: Oh, I said that would be very useful.
[Strider exits to get Butterbur.]
(Thranduilion)
[Butterbur bursts into the ruined bedroom, trips, falls on his nose, and promptly faints from shock.]
Hobnob (who has entered behind): So anyway, as soon as I got up I thought something might have happened here, so I trotted off to the stables to see what had happened there. I found I had correctly deduced that someone would steal your ponies and, wreaking general havoc on the stables and poor Mr. Butterbur's inn, loose all the horses and ponies being kept there. I've already sent someone off to find you at least one other pony, but I have a feeling there won't be one to get besides that yellow-bellied onion-eyed slobbering twerp Bill Ferny, who owns a really pathetic scrawny thing that he neglects terribly. I'd wager you won't get it for less than, say, 12 silver pennies, but Mr. Butterbur here will cover that for you. He'll pay you another 18 pennies for the loss of your ponies, Mr. Merry, but I've also got a feeling they just wandered off to find Fatty Lumpkin and this time next month will be well-fed and cared for by Mr. Tom and laughing it up when they hear about the adventures you four are getting into without them!
[Strider, the hobbits, and Butterbur (who has been revived by another pail of water wielded by Frodo) all stare slack-jawed. Merry recovers first.]
Merry: All right, then! I don't suppose you could send off for some br-
Hobnob: Breakfast! It's on its way. Make your way to the parlor.
[Butterbur exits, humiliated.]
Strider and the hobbits: Uh, great!
[they mosey on over to the parlor they had used last night to find a simple yet scrumptious meal waiting for them.]
Pippin: Well, we could have gotten slashed to bits along with our bolsters. That was scarier and more stressful than anything since the Barrow-wights! Can I have some naked time during breakfast?
Frodo, Sam, Merry: NO!
Strider: Aw, why not? I could use it, too. My own naked time, I mean. Not his. Not his! Why are you all staring at me like that. Oh, fine. [sulk.]
[Butterbur reenters, this time managing not to trip and fall on his nose.]
Butterbur: Well, I've bought you a scrawny little pony from that blasted Bill Ferny, and here's your 18 silver pennies, Mr. Merry. Now, I'd love to let you stay 'round here, but you seem to be eager to depart. Hobnob's got all your gear packed on the pony and you're all set to go. Bubye! Ciao! Sayonara! Namarie! Don't let the door hit your butts on the way out of town!
[still chewing the last bits of breakfast, Strider and our foursome of brave hobbits gather the last of their belongings and make their way out of town. Sam is leading their new pony.]
Sam: I think I'll call you Bill, in honor of your former owner, even though he's a yellow-bellied onion-eyed slobbering spleeny beef-witted bat-fowling twerp, in my humble opinion.
Bill Ferny: (at his gate) Hey!
Sam: Here's an apple for you, Mr. Ferny! For me to do target-practice on your ugly mug, that is! Here, Bill the pony, you want an apple? They're a last present from Nob. I mean Hob. I mean, oh, whatever.
[trot, trot, trot.]
(Idril)
<Scene: Aragorn leading the hobbits along winding trails through the wilderness... far from the road>
Frodo: You know, this isn't too bad.
Merry: I suppose, if you like scenery.
Frodo: No, I mean I think we've shaken the barmaid joke.
Sam: That's right, Mr. Frodo! I don't feel any repressed homosexual urges at all!
Hobbits in Unison: Hooray!
Strider: Shhh! Listen up! See this wet, squashy area just ahead?
Frodo: Yes?
Strider: That's the Midgewater Marshes. I need for the four of you to walk through it while I go around this way where it's nice and dry.
Sam: And why would we do that?
Strider: It's important to the story! Here, I'll take Bill.
Sam: Mr. Frodo!
Strider: Frodo, if I'm going to guide you, you'll have to trust me. You won't be in any danger I assure you.
Frodo: Well I don't understand but I don't see what harm could come of it.
Sam: [fume.]
Strider: Alright! See you in a bit!
[hobbits squash their way across the Midgewater Marshes.]
Neeker breekers: Neek Breek!
Midges: [swarm swarm.]
Sam: Ow! What do these things eat when they can't get hobbit!
[hobbits arrive at the other side where Strider is waiting.]
Frodo: Alright, now we trusted you! You owe us an explanation!
Strider: I'm highly allergic to midge bites, but everyone would be mad if Sam's line wasn't in the movie. Sorry, it was the best solution I could think of!
Frodo: I see.... I suppose.
Sam: [muttering softly] ... ruttish doghearted hook-nutted fobbing hedge-born fly-bitten boar-pig.
[Strider and the hobbits continue through the wilderness.]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: "Day after day the hobbits and their new companion Strider trudge through the wilderness."
[trudge.. trudge...trudge...trudge....trudge...trudge...trudge...sigh.]
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: Uh, no.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: No.
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: No!
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: NO!!
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Strider: NOOO!!!... confound it you little bugger hobbit [runs over and begins to strangle Pippin.]
Merry: Whoa...Frodo.. Sam..
Frodo: Ack... Strider! Stop strangling him.
[Strider releases him and glares at him.]
Ring: YESSSS Kill, Kill, Kill! Heh, Heh..
Narsil: Oh, keep quiet you little bauble.
Pippin: AAAAAARRRRRRHKKKK! [cough, cough] Shheeeesh! I just want to know if we're there yet... I'm hungry!
[Strider storms off in a huff. suddenly an apple comes flying over the trees and Merry catches it. Pippin looks at Merry and another apple beans him on the head!]
Pippin: Oh, hey! Apples flying from the sky! Yea!
Strider: Let's keep going little ones.. just keep your mouth full there Pippin!
[trudge...trudge....trudge...trudge...trudge...trudge....]
(merithehobbit and Idril)
Odd Narrator: "After trudging along for quite sometime the exhausted hobbits and Strider make camp... The night lay quiet around them, Sam, Merry and Pippin slept soundly after such a long day of trudging through the wilderness. Frodo, while exhausted, was having trouble sleeping."
Frodo: [turns over on lumpy ground, blue eyes wide open and looks up to see Strider...awake.] What is that light?
[Strider had risen and was looking off at the flashing light.]
Strider: What? Oh, that... Lightning I guess... I don't have elven eyes so how should I know?
Frodo: Do you think it might be a magical battle between Gandalf and the Nazgul on Weathertop?
Strider: What? Oh yes! You see, Frodo, that's obviously a magical battle between Gandalf and the Nazgul on Weathertop.
(Mouth of EOP)
<Scene: Weathertop>
Witch King: Long have I waited to slay the wizard who flirts with power immeasureable.
Gandalf: I will not keep you waiting. And I never flirted...
[they draw swords. Glamdring shimmers in the moonlight. fog swirls about the feet of the Nine.]
Lightning: CCCCRAAACK!!
Gandalf: En garde!
Nazgul: I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
[big lightning battle ensues for three hours.]
<Scene: the woods>
(merithehobbit and Idril)
Strider:So what are you doing awake little one?
Frodo: [sits up] Ugh... I have so much trouble sleeping...insomnia the last couple of years.
Ring: Heh, heh, heh...
Frodo: It is all your fault.. chatting and making up rhymes all night long..
Ring: Us inanimate objects don't sleep you know... what else is there to do?
Narsil: Yeah. You think you have it bad Sauron... at least you are in one piece.
Ring: Nanee, nanee, nanee...
Narsil: Ohhh, just you wait you..
Strider: Oh, shush up.. the elves will fix you up soon...stupid cocky sword. [to Frodo] I have had that problem too... runs in the family, I guess we don't need that much sleep... but I would sure like to dream about Arwen some more...
Frodo: Whatever... I am going to try to go back to sleep now... so all of you keep quiet.
Ring: Plellepfht. [(would be sticking out its tongue if it had one.)]
Narsil: Jerk!
Odd Narrator: "Frodo slips off to an uneasy sleep and the next morning they are headed off to Weathertop."
(Idril)
[Strider continues leading the hobbits along winding trails through the wilderness.]
Merry: This is boring. Hey I know!
<<Time Warp>>
<<End Time Warp>>
Merry: Hey, That was Fun! Let's do it again!
Nob: What? The time warp?
Merry: Yeah, Let's do the time warp again!
<<Time warp>>
<<End Time Warp>>
Strider: At last! We've reached Weathertop! I wonder why it looks all scorched here on top?
Pippin: Perhaps because this is where Gandalf had a magical battle with the Nazgul three hours... I mean three days ago?
Strider: Well no, Pippin. You see the scorch marks are obviously here because this is where Gandalf had a magical battle with the Nazgul. Aha! An unscorched flat rock with scratches! Perhaps it's a message from the wizard!
Flat Rock: <;-) ///
Strider: Yes a message! This mark is an emoti-rune. That's Gandalf with the pointy hat, and he's smiling, so apparently he won.
Sam: You think?
Strider: And there's three marks. That would mean he was here three hours... I mean three days ago.
Frodo: Umm... Strider?
Strider: Yes?
Frodo: Why would he put "three days ago" on the rock. I mean, it wasn't three days ago when he wrote it.
Strider: But it was three days ago... see? Three marks.
Frodo: But it wasn't three days ago THEN.
Strider: Sorry, I don't get your point.
Frodo: [sigh.]
Strider: Well anyway, lets go down into that little clefty thingy and make camp. That way Pippin can have some naked time before it gets dark.
Pippin: Hooray!
[they make camp and build a fire. Merry calls for a song.]
Pippin: Sing us a song, Strider!
Strider: I'm not in the mood.
Merry: Oh come on, be a sport!
Strider: I'd rather not!
Sam: In that case, I've got one. Here goes!
Gil-Galad was a King of ancient times
But sadly now the harpers sing these rhymes
He very bravely rode forth to Mount Doom
He fought with Sauron, now he's in a Tomb
If you ever ever wish that you were King,
Remember that it's not always a wonderful thing!
If you've wanted to be king since you were a lad
Remember the story of poor King Gil-Galad!
Poor Gil-Galad! He was mashed into a pulp,
His eyes were gouged out and his elbows broken,
His kneecaps were split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, poor King Gil-Galad!
His head was smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
Strider: Stop! Stop! I've changed my mind! I'll sing one! It's called the Lay of Lethargy. It was written many many years... I mean many many days ago by the famous bards Ben and Ekla. Here goes...
The leaves were short, The grass was dead,
The milkweed flowers gross and drear.
And to this field, a man was lead,
In sunlight capering Joyfully!
Tinuviel was standing here,
With sword in hand and helm on head,
And watched him frolicing like a deer,
With her eyes rolled back annoyfully!
Yes Beren came from mountains cold,
And wiped his nose upon his sleevs,
Where boogersicles soon took hold,
And scratched him kinda painfully!!
She saw the boogers on his sleevs,
And once again her big eyes rolled,
She watched his lumbering duffus dweevs,
And her lip did curl disdainfully!!
The grasses withered, at his feet,
That through the mire were doomed to roam,
And away she choked on stumbling feet,
As she caught the first smells wiffleing!
Through woven wood to Elven home
Did waft the odor of those feet,
And she wished her watering eyes were stone,
As her nose with pain was sniffling!
She smelt him ever, as the ground,
Did groan of toes like Limburg cheese,
And creatures lay for miles around,
To gasp their last breath huffling!
And then she thought, with feet like these,
We'll steal the gems from Morgoth's crown,
And send all Angband to it's knees,
If I could just Stop snuffling!!!
She sought out ever, near and far,
Some kind of mask, her nose to ease,
That smell must reach, the highest star,
She thought, as she trudged grumbling!
Upon her quest, She saw where trees,
That once were tall, drooped limp and hoar,
For surely Beren passed near these,
Where Elk and bear reeled stumbling!!!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
At last upon a cure she came,
And found it in the strangest spot!
For where gross fowlness was to blame
She tip-toed rather cautiously.
As there upon the ground did rot,
A cheesiness which seemed the same,
To Beren's odour which was hot!
But smelt it she un-nauseously?
So picked it up, she did and place
Upon her countenance so pure.
Over her head and hair did lace,
The globules sticking slimilly.
So joyed was she, to find this cure,
Forgot she to a mirror face.
Tinuviel's captivating lure,
Was now concealed quite grimilly!!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
Now swiftly after him she came,
Her own aroma now concealed,
His smell that once she thought so game,
Her nostrils no more troubling!!
And all things fled, as on she came
About her feet, withered the field,
And when her toes touched waters tame,
There rose a noisome bubbling!!
Lonely the way, their fate them bore,
And mountains crumbled where they strayed,
The hall of iron, and darkling door,
Gave way as they came bumbling!
The Orcs upon their faces lay,
And Balrogs hastened for the door,
As Morgoth threw his crown away,
And ran gasping and stumbling!!
The sundering seas between them lay,
To Orome's woe the fish still smell!
And will until the final day,
When all's unmade regretfully!
But all, as they say, ended well,
When long ago they walked away,
And where they live is known too well,
Though we'd rather live forgetfully!
<<<>>><<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>
Much thankful we, on lucky star,
That never our way should they come.
For still they wander kingdoms far,
And may they wander Distantly!!
"Whole legions fell!" the Minstrels strum,
"In Lethergy All!!" quoth the Bard.
And rankling, noisome mists, still hum,
While they walk on resistantly!
Merry: Distant ancestors of yours, right?
Strider: Indeed! How did you know?
Merry: Just a guess!
Frodo: Pippin, you'd better put your clothes back on... the sun's going down and it's getting cold.
Sam: And creepy.
(Thranduilion and Merithehobbit)
[Geeky Nazgul and Tense Nazgul join up with Miscellaneous Nazgul in an effort to storm Weathertop...]
Geeky Nazgul: OK if we surround the ruins from each side they will be trapped and freak out! It'll be fun.
Tense Nazgul: Then we need at least 2 more of the clan...
Misc. Nazgul: Oh, here come Creepy and Dog Breath from Bree.
Creepy: So what's the plan Geek?
Dog Breath: Let me guess, he is such a genius... let's surround the place and get the ring...
(lotr42)
<<Time Warp>>
[in a futile effort to catch up with the Fellowship and join the Five hunting, Nazgul #6 takes a jump to the left, and then a step to the right. puts his hands on his hips, pulls his knees in tight. The attempt fails. *cheer Rocky Horror*]
<<End Time Warp>>
(Thranduilion and Merithehobbit)
<Scene: Meanwhile on Weathertop>
Merry: Hey, Sam. C'mere. [whisperwhisperwhisperyouandmewhisperoverthereinthedarkwhisperwhisper.]
Sam: [smack] I SAID we'd gotten rid of that joke!!!
[Merry sulks off alone. feeling bad, Sam follows him. soon they come running back, out of breath.]
Merry: I. . .uh. . .[gasp], I've seen them!
Frodo: Haven't we beaten this time warp thing into the ground???
Merry: No, I mean, they're here now, on Weathertop! The Bu-buh-buhlack RIDERS!!!
Frodo: Oh, &&#&#*.. Strider! [grabs arm.]
Strider: What are you calling me that for... I don't smell..[looks where Frodo is looking...] Oh, get down.
Merry: [already cringing] We're gonna die... we're gonna die!
Strider: Nah, just Frodo. He has the ring.
Ring: Oh, Ringwraiths... here I am... come over here... calling all Ringwraiths....yooo hooo.... over here.
Frodo: Shut up...
[Sam and Pippin have made a fire...wait, we had one earlier...so they are hanging out by the fire... and down comes Merry, Frodo and Strider bounding over to them.... ]
Frodo: The Black Riders are coming, the Black Riders are coming...
Sam: Uh... huh?
Pippin: EEEEEEEKKKK!
[silence.]
Narsil: psssst! Hey, Strider, this is where you tell everyone to face away from the fire with flaming brands in their hands!
Strider: Oh, yeah! Hey, everybody, face towards the fire and brand your hands with flaming . . .
Ring: [snicker.]
Strider: I mean, face away from the fire with flaming brands in your hands! They're coming! Take a torch I think they are wearing polyester... in which case the fire will melt their clothes into a nasty blob.. But if we get lucky it will be cotton and their clothes will fry off them!
Pippin: Naked time for Nazgul?
Sam: [snork.]
Frodo: Do you think they get shrinkage in the cold too?
Merry: Probably not when they are on fire...
Pippin: Eeeeww!
Strider: See anything Frodo?
Frodo: Can't you watch... I am about to pass out because of the stupid ring.
Ring: Putmeonputmeonputmeonputmeonputmeon.....
Frodo: mustresistgandalfsaidsomustresistgandalfsaidsomustresistgandalfsaidso...
Strider: I'm going off for a bit. Toodeloo!
Geeky Nazgul: [loom.]
Tense Nazgul: [loom.]
Misc. Nazgul: [loom. advance. sings.] Let's do the time warp aga-ain!!!
Creepy Nazgul: [loom. advance.]
Dog Breath Nazgul: [loom. advance. screech.] BAGGGINNSSSSSS! PUT ON THE RING!!!
Ring: I'm with him. Putmeonputmeonputmeon!!!
[Pippin and Merry trip and fall on their noses. they decide to stay on the ground since the dark figures are looming and advancing directly in Frodo's direction.]
Sam: Frodo!
Frodo: Sam!
Ring: Frodo!
Frodo: Mr. Ring!
Creepy Nazgul: [loom.]
Sam: Frodo!
Frodo: Sam!
Ring: Frodo!
Frodo: Mr. Ring!
Creepy Nazgul: [loom.]
Sam: Frodo!
Frodo: Sam!
Ring: Frodo!
Frodo: Mr. Ring! Fine, I'll put you on.
[slips on the Ring and suddenly the three advancing Nazgul leap into view, glowing so brightly it hurts his eyes. the clearing around him and the other hobbits grow dim. or dimmer than usual, anyway.]
[Creepy Nazgul advances alone, drawing a dagger in the hand not holding the sword they all carry.]
Creepy Nazgul: Your ass is MINE, BAGGINS!!! HA HA HA!
Frodo: A! Elbereth Gilthoniel!
Creepy Nazgul: Huh? What is this gibberish you speak!
[Frodo hacks off the left pinky toe of the advancing Nazgul.]
Creepy Nazgul: AAaaaaaaaugh!!! Ha! It's only a flesh wound!
[advancing Nazgul in return stabs Frodo in the shoulder with his own blade.]
[suddenly Strider, to whom Narsil has just been giving a pep talk, leaps into the clearing, a flaming brand in each hand.]
Nazgul (in unison): Augh! We five Wraiths must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!
Narsil: Yessss!
Ring: Noooo! I liked those guys! [sulk.]
Frodo: That's it. [pant, pant] You're comin' off right now.
[slips off Ring and clutches it in his hand.] Agh. Shoulder . . . hurts . . . losing . . . con .. scious..nessss. [faints.]
(Mouth of EOP)
Ring: D**n, I'm good! Who's your daddy? Anyone?