Strider

(Thranduilion and Bridget Chubb)

[Frodo, Sam, and Pippin make their way back to their rooms.]

Ring: What, no honeymoon suite?

Frodo: Shut up.

Sam and Pippin: (who have learned to ignore Frodo's outbursts) sing as they build a fire)

Hi ho, Hi ho,
It's burning faggots we go!
It's wood, you dorks,
Let's go hunt some orcs!
Hi ho, Hi ho!

Frodo: Um, guys, I think you're wandering into Disney territory there.

Sam and Pippin: (in unison) Sorry! Loser.

[Frodo opens the door to the bedroom, where a seductive voice and a potent scent greets him]

Strider: I've been waiting for you, Frodo...

Frodo: (jumping three feet in the air and nearly sticking his finger into the Ring again) Strider! Hey, what are you doing here?

Strider: Well, if you'll recall, you did, uh, promise to talk to me.

Frodo: Well, go clean your boots first. There's a back door down the hall to your left.

Strider: Actually...I was hoping your friend might draw me a bath...I have some strawberry-scented soap here...

Sam: Forget it. (aside) Haven't we been over this already?? Remember - *I'm* the one who gets married, *I'm* the one who has 13 kids...

Ring: Shut up, no one cares.

Sam: (hurt) Who asked you?

Strider: Fine! (walks off in a huff to wash boots)

Sam and Pippin: (under their breath) Hi ho, hi ho

Frodo: Cut it out!

<<Strider reappears. He has removed his boots, apparently deciding to make the hobbits feel more comfortable with him. The resulting foot-smell is actually quite a bit less noxious than the s**t that was formerly haunting his boots.>>

Strider: Now about this Ring of yours . . .

Ring: Eek! My cover's blown! Frodo, put me on right away!

Frodo: Shut up, Sauron.

Strider: What was that?

Frodo: Oh, nothing.

(RUSSELLBor)

Frodo: So Strider, you know about the you-know what?

Strider: Yup.

Frodo: So what exactly DO you know?

Strider: Lots! And I'd be happy to tell you. . .for a price.

Frodo: Here it comes, how much?

Strider: I will tell you all that I know for. . .ONE HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS! BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

Frodo: <Slack jawed stare> Um. . .okay then, thanks for coming by. Have a nice day, don't forget your boots on the way out!

Strider: But. . .

Sam: Off you go now, here's your soap, I suggest you use it.

Strider: Hey!

Pippin: Hey nuthin'! You heard the man, now git!

Strider: Alright, alright, I'll tell you what you want to know for a. . .a SHRUBBERY!

Sam: What kind of a shrubbery?

Frodo: No Sam. Sorry Strider but we're not interested. Got it? Fine. Bye bye then.

Strider: Okay okay, please just let me stay, I'll tell you what ever you want to know. Only just, please don't make me go! I don't have any friends and no one will talk to me. (sniff, a tear trickles down one cheek)

Pippin: Aw for crying out. . .

Sam: Mr. Frodo, are we going to. . .

Frodo: Okay, everyone relax. Here. (hands Strider a tissue) Look, if you want to stay we'll let you. But on two conditions.

Strider: anything, anything at all!

Frodo: First you tell us everything you know concerning "our business",

Strider: Done!

Frodo: Next, you take a BATH!

Strider: A Ba...

Pippin: Yeah, really dude, in fact, maybe you should do that first.

Sam: I'm with Pip. Bath first, talk second.

Strider: It's that bad huh?

Pippin: Dude you have no idea.

Frodo: Sorry Strider, but, well, it's kind of a small room and. . .

Strider: Okay, okay. I'll be back in a few.

(merithehobbit)

Nob: Mr. Brandybuck sir...oh... please sir.. wake up. <shakes Merry>

<Nasty, wasty wind blows cold scary trees around, somehow a Warg has entered the gate and walks by uninterested>

Nob: Phew...that Warg has gas!

Merry: Wha..what? I am actually feeling much better.

Nob: Not you, the Warg over there eyeing us...whoo stinky one that!

**The warg stops lurking and wanders into Bree. She sees two hobbits . . .**

WARG: hm, wonder if hobbits taste like sausages . . . nah, probably not, last I heard they taste like chicken, but a certain BOSS LADY gets upset when I mention that . . . something about not wanting me to eat her chickens . . .

Ekla: (who is a perky lass with a cleft in her eye) I'm keeping a very close eye on you Warg...if you don't eat my chickens...chances are you'll probably try and gas 'em!!! Remember.....fleas.....lice.....poofy smelling flea powder.. (Ekla keeps full arsenal for just such an attack). I think you've got the message!!!

**Warg exits stage left and begins to lurk again**

Merry: What? Where the heck am I... Oh yeah! Creepy Black Rider Dudes got me...

Nob: Yea, they sent me out early from the Pony to find you..

Merry: Oh, Man! Couldn't you have left me unconscious a little longer.. well I was having scary dreams. But now we have to wait almost the whole chapter before we can RUN back to the Pony that is a few yards away!

Nob: Sorry sir, I just... well, you know I don't get very much mention.. thought I could keep a little bit more off the cutting room floor if I was with you.

Merry: <Starting to stand up> Now you're coming on to me?

Nob: Oh, no sir, never would do that sir.. let's go wait until our cue.. what do ya say?

Merry: Oh, all right.

[The hobbits are enjoying the fire when they see a movement out the window. A somewhat cleaner looking Strider, dressed in his second-best Ranger outfit whistles as he hangs his best Ranger outfit on a clothesline. Soon he comes returns to the hobbit’s rooms.]

(Thranduilion)

Sam: *sniff sniff* Hey is that . . .

Strider: Eau de Equine! My sweetie back in Rivendell picked it out for me last Midsummer. Drives her mad. You like?

Sam: Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.

(Idril)

Pippin: That’s a little better. How did you wash your clothes so fast?

Strider: I just rinsed them out a bit.

Pippin: But you didn't get all the mud stains out.

Strider: Why would I want to do that?

Pippin: <sigh> This traveling isn’t as pleasant as I thought it would be. I daresay we shall all smell much the same after lying for days in hedges and ditches.

Strider: It would take more than a few days, or weeks, or years, of wandering in the Wild to make you smell like Strider. And you would die first, unless you are made of sterner stuff than you look to be.

Pippin: Alllllllrighty then!

Frodo: Now tell us what you know of our business.

Strider: Well I know Merry’s out checking whether his real-estate license is valid for Bree, he’s got his eye on...

Frodo: No no! I mean the other business.

Strider: Oh, right! Yes, well, for one thing I know that you’re not really Mr. Underhill. I was lying in a ditch near the Downlands when the four of you came by...

Sam: Was that you? I saw you in the mud. I thought you were a stray pig.

Pippin: Why were you lying in a ditch?

Strider: I was resting. Now as I was saying...

Pippin: But you’d get all muddy lying in a ditch!

Strider: Stop interrupting you saucy dizzy-eyed minnow! Do you want to hear this or not! Now as I was saying, you told your companions to call you Mr. Baggins.

(Thranduilion)

<<Merry bursts breathlessly in through the door and stands there, grinning. Strider and the other hobbits stare at him for a moment until Nob reaches in and hauls him out by the collar. *NOT YET, you IDIOT!*>>

(IdrilCelebrindal)

Frodo: Mr. Underhill.

Strider: What?

Frodo: You said I told them to call me Mr. Baggins. I told them to call me Mr. Underhill.

Strider: Oh right! You people are getting me confused! Now my friends and I...

Sam: I thought you said you didn’t have any friends!

Strider: Well, none that live in Bree! But I do have friends, really! Lots! Anyway, my friends and I have been looking for Mr. Baggins.

Pippin: Oh my! These "friends" don’t happen to like hobbit marinated in Old Winyards and stuffed with fruitcake, do they?

Strider: What?

Frodo: He means the Black Riders.

Pippin: Yes, the boogiemen!

Strider: No, my friends aren’t the boogiemen.... ach! I mean I’m definitely not with the Black Riders... you see... ummm... now where was I?

Frodo: Who *are* your friends and why were you looking for me?

Strider: We’re looking for you to keep the Black Riders from eating you.

Pippin: <SQUEAK>

Strider: We know about your jewelry-related secret and want to help you get to Rivendell.

Frodo: That’s wonderful! How many friends have you brought to help? I have a feeling there’s at least 3 or 4 of those Black Riders about. With six or eight stout Rangers like you we should have half a chance!

Strider: Errr... well my friends aren’t really here right now.

Frodo: So, there’s just you.

Strider: Right.

Frodo: <sarcastically> Wonderful!

Strider: And that’s not the bad part. I tried to talk to you before you went into the common room, but that gorbellied clapper-dawed malt-worm Butterbur wouldn’t let me in. Now Bill Ferny has probably sold the news of your little song and dance routine to the highest bidder... the churlish fen-sucked mumble-news.

(Thranduilion)

<<Butterbur bursts into the room, trips, falls on his nose, then gets up with a sheepish grin.>>

Butterbur: Oh, sorry, am I early? Thought I heard my name. Carry on, then!

<<exits>>

(Idril)

Sam: Excuse me Mr. Frodo but I don’t think we should trust this Mr. Strider! He sounds like a pribbling onion-eyed moldwarp to me!

Strider: I am not!

Ring: I’m with Sam on this one!

[KNOCK KNOCK! KNOCK!]

Strider: Another interruption! I’ll hide under the bed... errr... I mean over here in the shadows.

Pippin: See there! Now that you aren’t so stinky you might actually go unnoticed.

Frodo: <sigh> How many visitors will I have tonight!

Pippin: I hope this is the last one. All this socializing is cutting into my naked time.

Ring: <snicker>

(dyanstar & Idril)

[Pippin answers the door and in comes Butterbur]

Pippin: Now, what do you want?

Butterbur: Uh, well I have something that I was supposed to give to someone, but it slipped my mind til now, sorry

Frodo: Was it important? Who is this message addressed to, and what is it?

Butterbur: I'm afraid it was important, the message was for a Baggins from the Shire.

Frodo: Sorry, you have the wrong person, I am Underhill.

Butterbur: Whatever you say, sir, but I was to give the message to a Baggins going by the name of Underhill.

Frodo: (visibly annoyed) Fine, give it to me then.

Butterbur: Yes, the description given describes you perfectly a fair hobbit, perky, red cheeks... however you don't look like you have Elvis hair. What is Elvis hair anyway?

Frodo: Alright! Alright! It's me! It's me! Who on Middle Earth is sending me a message?!

Butterbur: That would be a chap going by the name of Gandalf. A good friend of mine. We go way back, I sure hope he won't be mad at me for forgetting such an important message that probably could've saved you some trouble.

Frodo: Give it to me!!! Give it to me!!!

Butterbur: Well, I was supposed to have sent it a while ago, heh, hope it will still come in handy.

(aneya26)

Frodo: "Dear Frodo: You have the prettiest blue eyes. You are so wonderfully cute in a childlike way...."

Butterbur: Whooopss!!! Must be a fan letter...THIS is the right one.

Frodo: It's from Gandalf!

Pippin: Does he mention anything about how his pointy-hat is doing?

Butterbur: Pointy-hat or not trouble is following you all. That Ranger's been asking questions. Strange questions, about strawberry bubble bath soap, and wanted to know if he could lay in your nice hobbit beds in your rooms before you even had had a bite to eat, he did.

Strider: DID NOT!! I said no such thing about wanting to go to bed with a hobbit!

Butterbur: Uh, I didn't say that. I just said you wanted to get into their quarters.

Strider: OH! So Sorry.

Sam: Pervy hobbit fancier.

Ring: Quite right, quite right.

(merithehobbit)

Merry: SHHH, Nob.. I am trying to hear..

Nob: Let me, here try the glass against the wall trick..

Merry: Would you Shhhh.

Nob: But..

Merry: Shhh..Wait.. we did that part already. Ok, just shhh.

Merry: Oh, man... they just barely got to the letter.... Something about Gandalf...who are they talking to? Who is the pervy hobbit fancier?...I am going to burst in... I have...

Nob: No, it isn't time... they have to read the letter first...

Merry: Oh, all right.. just Shhh.

(Thranduilion and Idril)

<<Frodo continues to read Gandalf's letter.>>

Frodo: (clears throat, reading aloud)

TPPI, Bree, Midyear's Day, 1418 SR

Dear Frodo,

Bad news has reached me here. All the signs are appearing - fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips. It can mean nothing good, and in my infinite wisdom I have chosen to take heed of these signs and go off on business of my own leaving you, my dear hobbit, all by your lonesome except for your eager hobbit companions. With luck (or lack thereof), you may bump into a guy I call Strider. He's a good old friend of mine, though he never remembers to bathe, and he can help you.

Yours in haste,
Gandalf

P.P.S. Make sure it's the real Strider. There are plenty of tall, dark, ruggedly handsome men out there with year-round tans, manly stubble, tremendous muscled upper bodies, buns of steel..... *ink trails off*

I mean, his real name is Aragorn. Don't mind him - he's a good egg, ut-bay ot-nay oo-tay ight-bray, if you know what I mean.

Don't just read the cover of a book
A rotten apple may have a good heart
Rangers are older than they look
They've got sulking down to an art!
He wants to marry an elf
But her dad says he has to be king
Someday he'll live up to himself
But for now he'll just wander and sing!

Stay off the road!

P.P.P.S. If that wooly-headed onion-eyed kumquat-nosed prat of an innkeeper Butterbutt fails to send this along, I shall rip out his entrails and use them to decorate my pointy hat. Be sure to give him my cheerful greetings if you pass through Bree!

Must close, left something on the Bunsen.

Fare Well!

P.P.P.P.S. Almost forgot. Make for Rivendell! Talk to Elrond if I don't make it there in time. He's Aragorn's sweetie's dad, so feel free to humiliate good ol' Strider in front of him. I've been doing it for years.

P.P.P.P.S. Several references in this letter are courtesy of Bored of the Rings by the Harvard Lampoon. As if you didn't notice.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. That last postscript should have been "P.P.P.P.P.S." I left off one of the P's.

Must close, sudden urgent need to visit the little wizard's room.

(dyanstar)

[After reading the letter, all the hardships of the past few days seemed easily avoidable, if not for the forgetfulness of a certain Butterbur.]

Frodo: Well, this is quite a pickle you've landed us in, Butterbur, what do you have to say for yourself.

Butterbur: I am very busy, um, very, very busy. heh.

Frodo: Indeed, I hope Gandalf does all those horrible things to you as he promised for you certainly deserve nothing less. As for Gandalf, I wonder what has befallen him. He writes as if he was going into some grave danger.

Strider: He's always going into grave danger. No need to worry. (Strider smiled in his self assured manner)

Frodo: Why didn't you tell us you knew Gandalf, instead of playing this little game of yours, and scaring us half to death.

Strider: It was more fun this way, besides I didn't know about this letter. I was planning on keeping up this act until it was no longer fun for me.

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: (mumbling) well isn't that nice, it could have saved me a lot of time if he had just told me that he was friends with Gandalf.

Sam: Pardon me, Mr. Strider, if that is your name, but I don't think you can just expect us to think your Gandalf's friend since you mentioned it AFTER the letter.

Strider: No? Well how then can I prove my worth to you Samwise, eh?

Sam: Sam, thank you. You shan't have the need. Just leave Mr. Frodo and us to ourselves. We'll be leaving soon enough anyways.

Frodo: Now Sam, I don't think there is much that we can do. We have to trust him. You know the way to Rivendell?

Strider: (thinking of Arwen) Of course I know the way to Rivendell. (to himself) Any one who's any one knows the way to Rivendell if they know about Ms. Arwen. Beautiful she is.

Frodo: I'm sorry but I didn't catch what you said after 'I know the way to Rivendell'

Strider: yes, well, it wasn't directed to you anyways.

Ring: He's going to trap you Frodo. Quick put me on, we'll get away, away out of Bree across the Ferry, if that lake is big enough to keep him away.

Frodo: Oh will you be quiet?

Sam: I'm sorry sir, but I really don't think we should follow this Ranger.

Frodo: Sam, I wasn't referring to you, (to Strider) could you please spare me an hour or so, I think this is a lot of information to get all at once and, well, I need time to think it over and discuss it with my fellow hobbits, (waves a hand over at Pippin and Sam) Where is Merry? Shouldn't he be back by now?!

(Thranduilion)

<<Time warp>>

Odd Narrator: Hey, Merry, where did you come from?! Aren't you still waiting outside for your grand entrance?

<<Time warp>>

(RUSSELLBor)

Merry: Hey, That was Fun! Let's do it again!

Nob: What? The time warp?

Merry: Yeah, Let's do the time warp again!

<<Time warp>>

(MOEOP)

Frodo: Gahhh!

Nob: No! Not Warp Speeed!!

[Soundreel begins to play at 72 rpm and our intrepid friends take on the voices of Calvin and the Chipmunks...]

(Thrandulion and Idril)

Narsil: I can't believe they're forgetting me!

Thranduilion: (offscreen, smacking herself on the forehead) I KNEW I'd forget something! Argh! Poor Narsil, I really do care about you!

Narsil: Yeah, right, whatever. I just hang around on the hip of whichever Ranger is calling himself chief at the moment, minding my own gosh darned business, never mentioning that, HELLO! Kind of an important prop, eh? Couldn't someone have gotten me fixed up in all these millennia? What's a swordsman doing walking around with nothing but a broken sword, anyway? I mean, really!

Ring: Oh my, it's the great and wonderful Narsil... my aren't we looking rather phallic this evening!

Narsil: Oh it's you. I thought you fell into a river or something.

Ring: I'm baaaack!

Narsil: And I'm *so* not listening!

[sound of film rattling]

(pippin1986)

Strider: *sniff* ahhhh, I love the smell of mud and other....compounds.

Sam: phew!

Frodo: GAG

Strider: what? what's wrong? You'll all be smelling like me, that wonderful smell, in no time! But you won't be nearly as dirty

Sam: (under breath) oh GOODY

Pippin: (also under breath) and that's a GOOD thing?

Strider: Well, now that we're all ready to go, let's just walk right through town and make sure everyone KNOWS that we're leaving.

Merry: but-

Strider: no buts. On we go! I want to be sure everyone can wave goodbye and wish us good luck! (we're gonna need it...)

Sam: (coughs) yah I'll say we'll need it. We'll need it just to live through the stench of your boots!

Pippin: well, I'm hungry

Strider: Well, oh well, too bad. I ate all the food.

Pippin: (wail) Nooooooooo!

(IdrilCelebrindal)

Off camera voice: <COUGH COUGH COUGH> You've got the wrong bloody film, Kevin! <SNUFFLE>

[Rattling noises]

Off camera voice: <COUGH> Better put up a caption.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Please wait a moment while the operator changes the reels.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[More coughing and rattling]

[Movie resumes... back in the hobbit's sitting room]

Pippin: What was that?

Frodo: I'm not sure, where were we?

Sam: We were wondering where Mr. Merry went to.

Strider: But I didn't show you my heirloom yet!

Ring: Oh is that what he calls it <snicker>

Frodo: Excuse me?

Strider: My weapon! My blade! Didn't Gandalf say anything about it in his letter?

Frodo: No.

Ring: <giggle>

Sam: <snicker>

Strider: <pout> It's supposed to be in there.

Frodo: <looks letter over> No, nothing about a blade.

Strider: I'll bet he didn't mention it because it's broken, the tottering ill-nurtured moldwarp!

Ring: <SNORK>

Sam: <giggle>

Pippin: <snicker>

Frodo: Ummm... <pressing his lips together tightly>

(RUSSELLBor)

<<Time warp>>

Merry: Hey, That was Fun! Let's do it again!

Nob: What? The time warp?

Merry: Yeah, Let's do the time warp again!

<<Time warp>>

Strider: The hilt isn't damaged at all! Why, you little snickering hobbits... if I wanted to show it to you, I could -- NOW.

[Strider stood up and seemed to grow taller. In his eyes gleamed a light, keen and commanding. Throwing back his cloak, he laid his hand on his pants. Then he moved his hand from his pants to the hilt of a sword that had hung concealed by his side. The hobbits stopped snickering and stared at him dumbly.]

Strider: In fact I will! <drawing out the shards of Narsil> Here is the sword that is broken! It is the very sword not mentioned in Gandalf's letter! And I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. And if by my life or death I can save you I will!

That is, until we get to Rivendell. Then I have a date. But after that! Well, after that I may be busy.

Oh, that doesn't matter. In any case I'll protect you with all the weapons at my disposal. Ooops... there's just the broken sword, isn't there. Well, as you can tell I'm obviously very wise and knowledgeable. Even without any weapons I can guide you through the wilderness to Rivendell safely.

Frodo: <softly to self as he looks at the letter> Let's see... dirty, check.... sulky, check.... not too bright, check... dating an elf, check.... buns of steel??? Note to self... check that later. <SIGH> I wish Gandalf were here himself! <aloud to Strider> Well, looks like you're our man!

Pippin: Hooray!

Sam: <moan>

Ring: Buns of steel? I doubt it!

Strider: Hooray! Ahem... I mean... you won't be sorry, I assure you.

(RUSSELLBor)

<<Time warp>>

Merry: Hey, That was Fun! Let's do it again!

Nob: What? The time warp?

Merry: Yeah, Let's do the time warp again!

<<Time warp>>

(IdrilCelebrindal )

Merry: Okay let's stop, I'm getting nauseous.

(RUSSELLBor & merithehobbit)

[door to hobbit's room bursts open and Merry runs in followed by Hob, both are quite out of breath]

Merry: I. . .uh. . .(gasp), I've seen them!

Frodo: Seen what?

Merry: Me and Hob, we seen the Bu-buh-buhlack RIDERS!!!

Nob: What? I am Hob now?

Merry: Hob, Nob.. hey... Hobnob! You're practically an extra... so just shhhh.

Nob: Well, I did find Mr. Brandybuck...just near Bill Ferny's place... on the ground.. he looked asleep.

Merry: I thought I'd fallen into cold water... strange scary dreams.

Strider: That would be Black Breath.

Merry: Who the heck are you? <thinks to himself...Ah ha! He's the pervy hobbit fancier...>

Frodo: Ah, this is Gandalf's stinky buddy from...somewhere.. just so many names...can't keep um straight... we'll talk about it later.

Merry: Oh, OK, whatever...anyway so we saw the Black Riders, and they must have had bad breath...

Frodo: Are you sure they were the Black Riders? What did they look like?

Merry: They were Black. And they were riding.

Strider: Hmmm, could you be more specific?

Frodo: Yikes!

Ring: Putmeonputmeonputmeonputmeonputmeonputmeon

Frodo: Shut up.

Strider: Pardon?

Merry: Duuuude! I'm telling ya they are here!

Pippin: You're sure it wasn't some crazy "goth" gang or the trench-coat mafia?

Merry: No, I mean yes, I'm sure! I followed them for a bit, but they disappeared around a corner.

Strider: You have a stout heart!

Sam: (muttering) And a weak mind.

Frodo: What do we do Strider?

Ring: putmeonputmeonputmeon....

Pippin: I say we blow these digs and NOW!

Strider: Right you are my brave little Hobbit side-kick!

Pippin: sidekick?

Strider: Nob! Can you...

Nob: Create some cleverly arranged lumps to make it look as if the hobbits are still in their beds?

Strider: Um, okay.

Nob: No problem sir.

Strider: Great! And do you think you could...

Nob: Find you another room where you all can get some sleep without getting nailed by the Black Riders and have all your gear piled on the floor so that you can get an early start with a minimum of effort?

Strider: Ah. . .yes.

Nob: Consider it done. I'll call ya in five!

Frodo: (amazed by Nob's efficiency) Well I never!

(IdrilCelebrindal)

Pippin: Well that was scary and stressful! Can we...

Frodo, Merry and Sam in unison: NO!

Pippin: Never mind.

[Hobbits find another room, or settle down in their sitting room or something and go to sleep. Strider keeps watch, looking out the window or into the fire or something as he fondles his hilt.]

I.10. Strider