A Long Expected Party

(Executive Of Produce, Bridget Chubb)

<Scene: Bag End/the Party Field, the Shire>

Bridget: OK, let's get going. Celebsul, how fast can you set this up?

(Set Builder, Celebsul)

Celebsul:Okay - scenes ready - Shire, Bag End, party field, tree ...

(merithehobbit)

Pompus Narrator: When Mr. Bilbo Baggins approached the ripe age of eleventy-one he decided to have himself a Birthday Party of massive proportions. I mean, how often does one turn 111 years old? How long one lives seems to be a game of chance, but in Bilbo's case also a chance that had the ring of luck to it as well.

Here in the quiet corner of Middle Earth called the Shire we find Bilbo and his young nephew preparing for his party. Years before, Bilbo had left the Shire and become legendary for his vast wealth aquired on some strange journey with 13 dwarves and a wizard named Gandalf.

He wasn't legendary for his wealth, although well known for it... being the owner of a great piece of property called Bag End, but legendary for the distance he travelled. For Hobbits, which is what Bilbo was, are short in stature, and do not like adventure. They joked that they had fur on their feet because they didn't wear it off walking off on strange travels with strange folk. Bilbo had many secrets.. some of which only a few barmaids knew. But those secrets will be revealed as we travel this road with many new heroes and villains.

But folks in Hobbiton, which was the town in which Bilbo lived, were thrilled about the Party that was upcoming. For Hobbits gave presents at their parties, and ate lots of delicious food. And at Bilbo's party.. Gandalf would be present, and thus.. fireworks.

Welcome to our cyberspace version of The Lord of the Rings...enjoy our good humored attempt.. or don't and just go away! This attempt tries to keep to the storyline of the book, also including parts of the movie, and well, some inventions wholly our own.

Cast offstage: grumble grumble

Sam Gamgee: <chucks an apple across the set to hit narrator on his head> YES!

Pompus Narrator: Ow! Hey.. I am in the Union! That's not in my contract!

Frodo: Oh. Good one Sam.

Sam: Thanks...just warming up for later... so.. how bad do you think this adventure will be?

Frodo: Well.. you remember filming the movie?

Sam: Yea.

Frodo: Ten times worse at least. Better get in place don't you think?

[Cast all moves into their places and the action begins at Bilbo's place.]

(suekota7)

Annoying Narrator: "Curly-Permed Hobbit Housewife, Pucker Dandywillow, scowls at Gandalf upon his arrival in the Shire."

(Idril)

Mrs Dandywillow: <mutters> Garn! Isn't it bad enough that I have to live so near that yeasty ruttish folly-fallen shard-borne crook-pated onion-eyed base-court lewdster Baggins? There comes his buddy, that villainous mewling doghearted pottle-deep earth-fexing toad-spotted hasty-witted knotty-pated spur-galled flap-dragon of a wizard again. Mark my words, where he goes, trouble follows. Next thing you know there'll be all sorts of strange dwarves in Hobbiton again. Or worse, Brandybucks! <muttering continues> Why can't he stick to his own kind and leave decent folk be!

[Gandalf (oblivious to Mrs. Dandywillow's scowl) drives his cart up the lane to Bag End, past some large signs which read "No Admittance Except on Party Business!" and "This means you!". He stops outside Bag End and chuckles over the "Authorized Personnel Only!" sign nailed on the garden gate. As he approaches the door he passes another sign pegged into the lawn ("Warning: Biohazard") and bangs his staff on the "Plague! Run for your lives!" sign posted on the large green front door.]

Mrs. Dandywillow: And he didn't even notice my new hat! <scowl>

[Soon the door is answered by a amazingly well-preserved looking Bilbo.]

(Silarien & merithehobbit)

Bilbo: Hello Gandalf! So glad you've arrived at last. You can help me with the sandwiches.

Gandalf: Well hello Bilbo.. <wanders around room>

Bilbo: We've got a few hours before most of our guests arrive. Darn if I know where that lazy Frodo has got to. Oh, and can you stir the tripe and onions, please. Hope you've brought some new fireworks.

Gandalf: <Bonks head on overhead lamp> OOhhh ouch..<rubs head>

Bilbo: GANDALF! What are you doing poking around on the mantlepiece - the tripe's boiling over. Don't worry, I am definitely going to carry out my plan and go to Rivendell. I've spent months writing really awful poems about elves which I am going to torture Elrond et al with when I get there - hee, hee. Yes, I can see you like that idea too.

Gandalf: Don't you think you need a little smoke break.. I have some fine weed from Southfarthing?

Bilbo: Oh.. you're right..

Bilbo: Oooh, that's neat - you just blew a smoke ring that turned into a helicopter (whatever one of those is).

Gandalf: Ahh.. that is a good round one Bilbo.. Stick your tongue out more.. yes.. you may just pass Blowing Smoke 101. <smiles>

Bilbo: <all proud smiles back> buzzer rings Ohh. gotta get my buns out! <runs inside.. to save his buns from burning>

Gandalf: Your buns.. OUT? <follows him inside> Oh..

Bilbo: Argh, but you're dropping ash all over the black puddings. Here, stick these cherries on the buns.

Gandalf: Stick them where? <standing befuddled with a pile of buns and cherries>

Bilbo: I'm a bit worried about the party - my invitations seem to have gone quite far afield, but I did stipulate 'Informal Dress, No Black Robes'. And then there's Merry and Pippin, that's a whole crowd of trouble.

Gandalf: <preoccupied with cherries and buns> uh.. huh?

Bilbo: Better be thinking of loading this lot on your cart to take down to the tent soon ... <hands Gandalf a tray teetering with dainties>

Gandalf: Umph.. uh.. just open the door there.. <bonks head on ceiling> OOOWW!

(Idril)

Annoying Narrator: Finally everything was ready for the big party! Hobbits started arriving by the dozens. The sound of their stomachs rumbling could be heard as far away as Tookland. Most were thrilled to attend the big event, but of course you can't please everyone....

(suekota7)

Otho: [mumbling to himself] Where did that woman go? Lobelia's always wandering around disappearing just when I needs me cup filled once more. Bloody Invitation, she says to me just the other day "but Otho, we MUST go, it were written in fancy golden ink it were." Told her we should've stayed bloody home and counted the silver once more...

Maybe she's a pokin-around Bag End, using the brains given 'er fer once! Seein' whot all's to be ours rightfully, should've been shared with us long ago by that rotten bleepin' Bilbo Baggins, out killing flamin-flyin lizzerds and givin' the Sackville-Baggins' a bad name, he is!!

Annoying Narrator: "There were many Baggins and Boffins, and also many Tooks and Brandybucks. There were various Grubbs and various Chubbs."

[AC-DC Playing: You---Shook Me ALLLLLL NIIIIGGGHHHHTT LONG!]

Pucker Dandywillow: Sam, I'm afraid Gandalf's heading over to cut you off, though, no more Ale for you!!! Hobbits ARE Great Table Dancers, I know...but enough is enough.

[not too happy about being here at the party, she decides on Just One Ale. she decides on Just One Whole Tray of Dainties. just One Mor Al... jusss 1 mor Al...]

[Gandalf walks by with firecrackers in hand, and passes Mrs. Dandywillow.]

Pucker Dandywillow: (slurring her words a bit) Why Gandalf, what surprises do you have for a poor lonely Hobbit Housewife tonight? Perhaps I was too harsh on you with that scowl... You ARE a Most Handsome Wizard...What say you to a personal fireworks display for me?

[Similarly Permed Husband Hobbit wanders over.]

As I was saying, you Troublemaker you...

[wanders off to find more dainties and ale.]

(merithehobbit)

Merry: Hey Pip, bring that basket of apples over here by the fireworks.

[Pippin and Merry haul apples.]

Merry: We can pretend we were looking for apples later on... then light that big gigantic one off and no one will know! Pretty clever? Uh Pip?

(Russ)

Pippin: Whatever Dude. Hey, have you checked out Rosie? Man, she has got it GO-IN-ON! Here dude, hold my apples; I'll be back in a few.

(Silarien)

Bilbo: Ah, things are warming up nicely. Lobelia, do enjoy that whole tray of dainties. Mmm, wonder where Pippin's off to? Don't know whether he and Merry are more trouble together or apart. Oh, could somebody change that record now?

[AC-DC Playing: You---Shook Me ALLLLLL NIIIIGGGHHHHTT LONG! for the eleventyfirst time.]

Nice choice, but it gets a bit wearing after a few hours.

(azaeliahardbotle)

Voice of the Ring: [whispers] Billbooo... Ssssssssppeeeech..Vaaaaaniiishh [stops whispering] Ok, what I really want is for you to hurry up and give me away. Frodo is such a babe, not to mention he's a lot more fun than you!

(MEDICRN18)

[Sam arrives and is clearly searching for someone amidst all the dancing females.]

Sam: Now just who picked this music? Couldn't we just have some nice mellow Barry Manilow or the like?

[Eyes widen in surprise and annoyance.]

Sam: And just where does that Bolger fellow get off dancing with Rosie anyway? Why he's not fit to even sweep the floor she walks on!

(Celebsul)

[After complaints about music, sound engineer, dressed as hobbit extra, sidles sheepishly across field because someone put the actual record player ON THE SET! Okay, something more soothing and suitable for Middle Earth (NOT Manilow, Sam). How about the famous ode to Luthien by Meatloaf 'Like a Bat Out of Hell'?]

(Ekla Reuel)

[Balrog's ears perk up!! Straining to hear what music is being played way over in the distant Shire....Like a Balrog out of Hell.]

Balrog: Oh, they can't possibly mean me?!! [slightly astonished and pleased look appears on Balrogs flaming face. ] Oh, disappointment. Like a BAT out of Hell. Hmmmmmm!!

(Idril)

Director: Balrog! Off the set please! You know you aren't on until the middle of book 2.

Odd Narrator: The Balrog put down his knitting, rose to his full height, and drew out its great whip made of pure flame.

Balrog: <running fingers through the fiery whip thongs> Were you talking to me, Mr. Director?

Director: Ummm... no! So sorry! Carry on, please!

Balrog: That's better!

(Ekla Reuel)

Balrog: [Balrog returns to knitting pattern.] Knit one, pearl one, knit one, pearl one.......

[Aside: Balrog may be a powerful Fire Demon, but in the depths there is very little else to do. embroidery makes you blind as the light is soooo poor and knitting is next best occupation - with the exception of wielding immense evil power and wreaking havoc!!]

(dyanstar)

Rosie: I don't do much of anything in any of the books, but I am following Samwise around secretly. I will marry him someday you know. I don't know if he knows that, I wish that Frodo would go away and stop distracting him. Otherwise, I dance and stand around and look pretty cute....

[Rosie stops dancing and starts tapping her foot impatiently in Sam's direction.]

[to hobbit gal pal] Frodo won't leave him for a second, there is no being alone with him, bummer! Maybe I will dance with Pippin in an attempt to make Sam jealous. Hehe, I am sooo clever...

(Ekla Reuel)

Balrog: Curses!!...Dropped another stitch!!! Balrog is so annoyed, third stitch dropped in last few minutes, cardigan no longer resembles any type of knitting, more like a piece of string with knots in it!!!

[throws needles and wool into corner of plush living suit and wonders if it is too late to gate-crash party?]

On second thoughts, that git Gandalf will be there...all high and mighty...I'm the high and mighty one!!!

[Balrog slopes off to hide some way from the Shire - behind a little hillock where he can see everything, nick the booze and dainties.]

Love those dainties...and the odd bit of livestock!!... and watch that tart Rosie tapping her foot without having to dance with her!!! - Or talk to all those little people!! Oh they're so beneath me...minions!!

(Bridget Chubb)

[suddenly Sam stumbles over to Rosie (Aside: "gently" shoved from behind by Frodo)]

Sam: Um...hello, Mistress Rosie. [turns very red] Would you, ah, like to, ah... [tries to finish "Dance with me?" but it comes out all mumbly. looks terrified as he waits for Rosie's answer.]

(dyanstar)

Rosie (brightening): With me? Why I thought you'd never ask.

[as they begin to twirl she spies a glance at Frodo and looks puzzled.]

[she thinks to herself] Hmmmmm...Maybe Frodo isn't the one with the attachment issues. I'm going to have to keep a good eye on Samwise.

[she gives Sam her most winning, charming smile.]

(Silarien)

<Scene: grassy turf next to empty beer kegs>

[Bilbo gathers all the cute little hobbit children around him (easy, they like kindly old Bilbo) and they settle down for adventures. their big eyes boggle and their little mouths hang agape as he whispers the tale. it is all very still and quiet as he reaches the end, then suddenly shouts BOO! (Aside: effect like that on armies when Sauron explodes).]

Well, so much for fun. Better go back to my other guests. I hear cries for more wine, but Frodo appears to be moping about elsewhere with Sam. Oh, and Ring, do shut up moaning, I'm getting rid of you real soon. hah.

(Sevilodorf)

[Katycat (playing an additional role of cute hobbit child since Elanor isn't born yet) gathers up a group of Brandybucks, Chubb and Hornblowers and chases Gandalf shouting...]

Katycat: We want more fireworks!

[Gandalf, anxious to escape Mrs. Dandywillow who has had one too many ales.. obliges and starts shooting off fountains of butterflies and glittering flowers. he now notices that his extra special dragon firework is missing and begins to search the party grounds.]

(merithehobbit)

[Merry and Pippin have just snagged the giant extra special dragon firework and are dragging it off to a distant tent.]

Merry: We need to put it in the ground outside BEFORE we light it...

Pippin: No way, Gandalf will get wind of it for sure, it is better to light up in here..

Merry: Pip, you idiot, I just know we'll get busted.. you're always getting me into trouble, give me that Southfarthing weed you stole from Gandalf... you know it's illegal! I meant the firework! Geez!

Pippin: No it's mine! I snagged it.. it's mine I say (tug of war with small parcel) My Precioussss...wait where have I heard that before...hmmm Dejavu?

Merry: Here's the matches.

Pippin: <lights firework> AAAH.. you take it.

Merry: You take it..

Pippin: No you.. it will get me...

Merry: You take it..

Firework: BOOOOOOOOMMMMM!

Both: AAAAAAHHH.. COOL!

Pippin: OW! I think I need a bandaid.. <sucking on little finger>

Merry: <looking at Pippin> PIP! Look at your hair.. HAWHAWAWAWHAWHAW!

Pippin: Well look at you HAHWHAAAHAHAAHAAA! We're toasted hobbits!

Merry: <looking around> UH.. let's get out of here or we'll just be toast!

[The firework they launched soars high into the sky with a bright red flame.. turning into the form of a dragon. Fearing a sight they've never seen.. and only heard in tales from Bilbo the hobbits run in panic.]

[fire and explosions proceed..]

(MEDICRN18)

Sam: Oh Rosie I'll save you from the great dragon! (throws himself on top of her, knocking her to the ground)

Rosie: OOMPHHH! UNNGUMPHHH!

Sam: Oh dear that didn't go quite the way I planned. So sorry!

(dyanstar)

[after being thrown to the ground by Sam, Rosie, gets up brushes herself off. she is thoroughly embarrassed, because she is such a mess, and she had been soooo cute. then she had an idea, she gave Sam a pouty look, one that she was sure was quite adorable, and stomped off. she looked behind her. it was working, he was following, as soon as they were out of eyesight from the rest of the group she turned around, threw her arms around Sam and kissed him lightly on the mouth. then she backed up, giggled, and ran off to rejoin the party. she was very proud of herself.]

(Ekla Reuel)

[Balrog sees firework from over the top of the hillock he has been hiding behind]

Balrog: My word....that's a cracker!!!! [claps fiery hands in delight] Balrog has seen enough of the Shire party.

[lopes off towards Mt Doom, going just left of it. Sees the sign for The Burping Troll Inn and decides to have a quick drink before heading for home for an early night - 9 hours later he leaves......slightly embarrassed about some sindging of the toilet wall.]

(Idril)

Esmerelda: Meriadoc! Get Pippin away from those fireworks! He's only eleven, you know.

(merithehobbit)

[Merry and Pippin, both with ashes and soot all over their faces turn in fear and guilt.]

Merry: Geez Mom, I am a full blown teenager... nearly of age, and dear Pip is not eleven... he's 11 and 3/4! Why are you always treating him and me like little babies. We only want to have a little fun..

Esmerelda: Because you are a young and very immature Hobbit.. I have half a mind to....

[Merry being lectured, sighs.]

Pippin: I am out of here, when Aunt Esmerelda get's going....

[Pippin sneaks around the bend, and Merry begins to join him when...Gandalf snatches their ears and looms from above.]

Gandalf: Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrine Took... I should have known.

Pippin: What, we didn't do anything?

Merry: Yeah, just smoking some good weed from South Farthing and well it was kind of near the fireworks...

Gandalf: I have a job for you two troublemakers. [smiles] Bilbo will need a little help with the 50 thousand dishes we've been using...

Merry: See Pip, you are always getting me into trouble.

Pippin: Shut up, it was your idea!

Merry: Was not!

Pippin: Was too!

Gandalf: Get washing silly boys!

Pippin: [whispering to Merry] Man, if Gandalf will ever take off we could ditch this...

Merry: [whispering back] You watch him, I'll keep mine on Mom... man, no one lets us have any fun!

[rolls eyes and smiles at watching Gandalf.]

Pippin: My arms are all bubbly and itchy...

Merry: Pip, I'm hungry again, any leftovers over there?

[cut to all the fun stuff while Merry and Pippin slave away in the kitchen! Sigh!]

(Idril)

Various Baggins, Boffins, Tooks, Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Burrowses, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots: Pass the gravy please!

[chewing noises.]

You have to try this pastry, it's lovely.

[clinking of silverware]

Urpp... excuse me, so sorry! Could we have just a bit more wine?

<Scene: dark, intimate corner of the Party tree. Frodo and Sam find a quiet table and consult with each other over a half-pint of ale.>

Frodo: Sam, why have you been looking at me that way all through the party?

Sam: It's not me, Mr. Frodo, it's just that the actors who are playing us, well...

Frodo: Well what?

Sam: Well, they think that we fancy each other.

Frodo: Fancy each other? Well of course we're great friends.

Sam: Not that way.

Frodo: Oh! [blushes] [whispers] You mean like cousin Porto?

Sam: Aye.

Frodo: That's terrible! I mean, why would they think that?

Sam: I'm not sure, but I think they come from a time where every does what they call "shagging". It's expected.

Frodo: Shagging? What's shagging?

[Sam whispers.]

Frodo: Oh! How awful!

Sam: [sigh] I agree. I mean I'd jump down a dragon's throat to save you and all, but not that.

Frodo: I shouldn't like to be like cousin Porto.

Sam: Not that there's anything wrong with that. He isn't a bad sort, not like my Uncle Will.

Frodo: Yes, a truely unwholesome fellow.

[shakes head sadly.]

I remember you hiding at Bag End whenever he came to visit.

Sam: At least Porto likes fellows his own age. And he isn't pushy.

Frodo: True, true. [sigh] Oh Sam! What will we do? We're stuck in the awful parody where everyone's going to be shagging or talking about shagging through the entire story!

Sam: I don't know, Mr Frodo. We're in a pickle and no mistake.

Frodo: It's too bad our copyright protection doesn't apply. Perhaps we should ask Gandalf's advice.

Sam: I don't think he can help us. See, he's hitting on Pucker Dandywillow right now.

Frodo: Oh poor Gandalf!

(Suekota7)

Annoying Narrator: "After the feast (more or less) came the Speech. They were sipping their favorite drinks, nibbling at their favorite dainties, and their fears were forgotten."

(Idril)

Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots: [nibbling at desserts and dainties] SPEECH! SPEECH!

Where's Bilbo?! We want a SPEECH! And some more wine! Just make it short! Make it a short speech and a tall wine! SPEECH! SPEECH!

(Silarien)

Bilbo: [standing on chair under tree after handing out even more wine] Okay, as you asked, time for my speech. You can all carry on with the party after. I've just got three things to say.

First off, I am immensely fond of you all. 2 months is too short a time to spend with such admirable hobbits (2 months! - is that all? - feels like 111 years).

I don't know most of you half as well as I should like; and I understand less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Second, it's our birthday. [mutters] Oops, shades of Gollum there. [aloud] I mean it is mine and Frodo's birthday. Frodo is my heir and nephew, and comes into his inheritance today.

Third, I want to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. This is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW (darn, the ring's got stuck in that tiny hole in my pocket that I meant to fix) *fumbles* Er, I'm leaving .... real soon .... farewell *fumbles* (oh dear, goodness knows what they think I'm doing - hah, got the so-and-so) PHUT! Byeeeee ...

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: With a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Bilbo disappeared! The hobbits were stunned into silence.

Various Baggins, Boffins, Tooks, Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Burrowses, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots: <GAPE>

Odd Narrator: Then they all began to talk at once.

Various Baggins, Boffins, Tooks, Brandybucks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Burrowses, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots: <GRUMBLE GRUMBLE DISCUSS COMPLAIN MUTTER>

(dyanstar)

[Rosie is sitting at a table with one of her gal pals.]

Rosie: I haven't seen Sam since I kissed him, you suppose I went too far?

Gal pal, Prisca Brandybuck: I don't know, he seems rather shy, maybe it was a little too forward.

Rosie: Phooey!!

Rosie: [just as Bilbo gives his speech and disappears] Goodness me, where do you suppose he got off to so fast?

[the rest of the conversation is drowned out by everyone else's loud confusion at Bilbo's sudden disappearance.]

(merithehobbit)

<Scene: the Party with much confusion around>

Esmerelda: [yelling loudly down the hill] Merry!... Merry! Mer-i-a-doc Brandybuck!!.. You get down here right now! It is waaaaay past your bed time!

Merry: Aw, Mom, can't we have a little more of this ale... really it's OK; there are no drinking laws here!

Esmerelda: No Way young sir...

[grabs his ear and starts hauling him off.]

Merry: [desperately whispering to Pippin who is at a nearby table] Pip, Pip save me!

[Pippin comes running up and smiles at Esmerelda.]

Pippin: Mrs. Brandybuck. I know it has been a long night. But we did do all those dishes. Couldn't Merry come over and stay with us this evening?

Esmerelda: [pats Pippin on the head] You were always such a sweet boy. Is it alright with your family?...[under her breath] I'd love to get rid of Merry tonight... already a headache.. need another drink!

Pippin: Sure! C'mon Merry, lets go; we sure are tired I think we'll just go straight to bed.

[gives winning smile.]

Merry: [smiles at Mom] Thanks Mom! See ya in the morning!

[runs over beside Pippin.]

Thanks Pip, my best bud. Sorry I was railing on ya earlier about getting me into trou....

Pippin: <shrug> I never pay attention to people railing at me.

Merry: OK she's gone.. let's go over and raid the mushroom patch at Farmer Maggots!

Pippin: Tonight? Geez do you know how far away that is?

[both walk off into the night plotting young troublesome antics.]

(ArwenfromRome)

<Scene: out in the garden>

[all the guests at the party are still wondering about the sudden disappearing of Bilbo. camera follows a feminine figure, we see her back as she walks away to the end of the fence of Baggins' garden. camera zooms over her hand taking a silver cellphone out of her silk and pearls bag. she dials a number nervously, then she turns, and a ray of moonlight lights her face. she's a blond elegant lady dressed in silver.]

A voice from the other side: The House of Theoden King, good evening.

Eowyn: Is that you Wormtongue? Is my uncle there? Yes, please ... Uncle? It's Eowyn. Were you already sleeping? Where am I? Sorry Daddy, I can't hear you very well, the music's so loud!!! I'm in Hobbiton, at some friends' ... the birthday party of a friend of the cousin of my friend Lisa ... it appears all Middle Earth has been invited, there's such a crowd here! I can't hear you Daddy! Daddy, could you please send me a horse or someone to collect me? Eomer doesn't seem at all to be on his way back to Gondor! Brothers are SO useless!!! Thanks Dad! I'll wait for the horse, then... [click]

(suekota7 and Idril)

<Scene: meanwhile far far away off at the Dark Tower of Mordor>

Sauron: What WAS THAT???!!!! THE RING?!! I FELT IT!!! Somebody has MY RING. Someone's used IT. MOUTH! Where are you?

Mouth of Sauron: (played by Sue's Siberian Husky Dakota) Pant, Pant, Here boss!

Sauron: Oh please... not so close! And stop sniffing me there.

Mouth of Sauron: Sorry [burps fire which smells suspiciously like Sue's left-over Frito-Pie for lunch.] Excuse me!

Sauron: <rolls his great eye> Well tell the Nazgul to find that slimy little excuse for a worm Gollum!!!! I want that ring found and I want it found NOW!

Mouth of Sauron: I'll get them right on it! <thinks> Ohno! Too much stress! Must... have... potty... break... outside! <whimper>

(lotr42)

<Scene: Dungeons of Barad-dur>

Miscellaneous, but fashionable Nazgul: Here you slimy orcs, tie down that miserable creature Gollum. Now talk you!! Or at least try to mumble something amongst all the inane babble and ranting! Where's the ring?!

(Idril)

Gollum: We'll never talk! Never!

Tricky Nazgul: Never?

Gollum: Never!

Tricky Nazgul: Alright, it's hopeless. Here, lets get you untied.

Gollum: Really?

Tricky Nazgul: Well if you won't talk, you won't talk. There's no use causing you unnecessary pain.

Gollum: Ssssssssss... no trickes?

Tricky Nazgul: Hey! Would I trick you?

Gollum: <looks suspicious>

Tricky Nazgul: I'm really sorry about the torture and all that. Sometimes we just get carried away. How about we do something fun to make up for it. Maybe a riddle game?

Gollum: Oh! Smeagol loves riddleses!

Tricky Nazgul: Alright I'll go first.

I'm bright and gold
and really quite old
I'm not a horse
I'm a ring of course

I was stolen from my very good buddy
Oh who did it? My memory's all muddy!
And where did he take me? Oh what a mess
For I can't seem to remember the address

Gollum: Good one, yes precious! Hmmmmm... <thinking>

Tricky Nazgul: I suppose I shouldn't have started off with such a hard one.

Gollum: Not hard! Smeagol has the answer.... Baggins!! Shire!!!

Tricky Nazgul: <claps hands in delight> Oh Gollum, you're the smartest evil creature ever!

(Matthew)

<Scene: Bag End>

Gandalf: So Bilbo, looks like you're all packed. Are you still going through with the entire plan?

(Silarien & merithehobbit)

Bilbo: Oh Gandalf, I'm weary.

[sits slowly down, bows head into hands with long sigh full of pathos.]

I am so old, Gandalf, I might not look it, but I feel all stretched, like.. like.. like I've had too many face lifts ...

Gandalf: Oh.. I understand...old age...

Bilbo: Okay [wipes eyes] I'd better be off. Bye ....

Gandalf: Uh.. Bilbo.. the ring?

Bilbo: What was that Gandalf? Oh the ring. The Ring. It's my Precious, back off wizard. You want it for yourself!

Ring: YES! I am the Precious.. to Mordor.. let's go!

Gandalf: <suddenly rising on levitating stilts with cool backlighting.> BILBO! I am not trying to rob you.. I am trying to help you. <looks all harmless>

Bilbo: Oooo, neat trick Gandalf, you scared me nearly to death. I need a hug *whimper* I'm sorry, [hugs] There, there, look, the envelope - it's on the mantlepiece. Bye ...

Ring: AAAAAAAAAA...NOOOO BILBO...DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM! (pause) Is he gone? YAY! Bilbo left me to that good looking, blue eyed hobbit Frodo! I wonder how long he will resist me.. better polish up my bad self.

(FrodoPippinSam)

<Scene: the desiccated Party>

Frodo: [mumbling] I do wish Bilbo wasn't going away. Perhaps I will get to see him again before he leaves, if I ever get out of here.

Sam: What's that Mr. Frodo? I didn't quite hear you.

Frodo: Nothing, nothing at all. Let's have the wine sent around again, shall we? Sam, have you seen Merry and Pippin? I haven't seen them for quite some time, since they ran off with those apples I guess. Do you know what happened to them?

(tinuvielberen)

Darth Vader: Frodo, I am your father...

Peter Jackson: No! Cut! Shove off, you stupid gits!

(FrodoPippinSam)

[Frodo finally is able to escape from the party, after much wine was passed about and time had dragged on.]

Frodo: I must be getting back now, Sam. I'll probably see you tomorrow. Good bye!

(FrodoPippinSam)

[Frodo, seeing the door hanging open, bursts into Bag End.]

Frodo: Bilbo? Bilbo? Gandalf! Is Bilbo still here? I was hoping to see him again before he left. Every one at the party was still trying to figure out how he vanished or if he even did and they were just too drunk. Gandalf, they are going to be talking about this for years and years to come! I guess he's gone though, isn't he.

(Bridget)

[Sam begins walking home.]

Sam: Hmm...looks like there's a few weeds in the garden here. Well I'll not have Mr. Frodo's and old Mr. Bilbo's garden full of weeds and that's a fact! I guess I'll just have to clean this up...

[begins pulling weeds just outside the window.]

(Idril)

Gandalf: [yells out the window] Not yet Samwise! Come back in 17 years!

(Bridget)

Sam: Oh shoot! What's wrong with me, I forgot. Time to go hide under a rock somewhere...Or maybe there were just lots and lots of weeds under the window?

(Idril)

Frodo: Huh?

Gandalf: Nothing, nothing! Well Bilbo's gone off wandering. He left you Bag End and his ring. Keep it safe and don't use it. It made him act very strangely at the end. Sort of like William Shatner.

[shudder.]

Gandalf: [to self] Hmmmmm... he was acting very strangely, indeed.

Frodo: Huh?

Gandalf: Nothing, nothing!

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: Is there anything I can get you, Gandalf? Tea? Something stronger?

(Idril)

Gandalf: No tea for me thank you. I'm going to bed and I'll be off early in the morning! You should be off to bed too, as you'll have lots of annoyed hobbits to deal with in the morning.

[points to pile of packages in the entryway.]

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: Yes, I guess I will have a lot to do in the morning. But I thought you were staying for a while! Why are you leaving so soon!?

(Matthew)

Gandalf: Wizard business. Goodnight!

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: But! But! Oh, never mind! Good night, Gandalf.

[leans out the window and sees Sam.]

Good night to you too, Sam. See you in the morning.

(Idril)

<Scene: The morning after at Bag End>

Various annoying relatives: [RING RING RING KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK POUND POUND POUND] Let us in! Let us in! Where's Bilbo?!?! Did he take his treasure with him!?!?

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: [rather startled but now awake] What the heck is going on? Oh!

[runs to the front door and opens it just a crack.]

Um, can we do this in an orderly fashion, like, maybe, um, two or three at a time?

Various annoying relatives: [burst through the door knocking Frodo down as they rush around trying to get to what Bilbo left for them.]

Frodo: Hey! Wait one minute! Bag End is mine, mind you, and not yours to go tearing apart looking for-- That's not yours, Lobelia! put it back. Otho, I'm ashamed of you. Ok, yes, you may leave, Primrose, now hold on!...

(Idril)

Merry: Frodo, what a mess! Can we do anything to help?

Pippin: We would have been here earlier but Merry had the bright idea that we should walk the 60 miles to Marish for mushrooms. Too much ale and pipeweed I think. Luckily he sat down and fell asleep after 3 miles.

Merry: What did you tell him that for?

Pippin: Ooops! Sorry. [snickers.]

(FrodoPippinSam)

Frodo: Merry? Pippin! You couldn't have come at a better time, unless maybe you'd been earlier, but still... anyways, help would be most appreciated.

Merry: What can we do to help.

[looks around at the mess and all the hobbits still here.]

Frodo: Could you take over for a while? I'm very tired, I was up quite early and went to bed late, could you give me an hour or so? And keep your eye on Otho and Lobeila.

(suekota7 and FrodoPippinSam)

[Otho and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins push past various Bracegirdles and Burrows and Boffins rudely.]

Lobelia: Where is 'ee? Is 'ee gone at last? Hrmmmpppff! Good Riddance I say! Frodo, my dear lovely little Hobbit, do be a good boy and Hand Over The Goods, and Nobody'll get 'urt!

[grabs him roughly by his collar.]

You, there, Bracegirdle, get yer filthy hairy hobbit paws offa me bookcase. 'Ats mine! Bilbo said it were all mine after 'ee left, 'ee did. Whot? It's got yer name on it? Bosh! Nothing?! It's all I get?!

[gives a face that would've curdled milk.]

Whot's this with me name on it? Otho, come 'ere, whot's this say? It's me name! On a Case O Silver Spoons! Why, If I didn't know better I'd think that Bilbo were being a little cheeky...but hand 'em over, just so happens I've got some matching ones at home...don't know how I got 'em though.

Otho: Here now Frodo, forget the Silver, Let's just see that Will, now, me bein' the next heir an all. I've been waiting Sixty Years fer it! Frodo? WHERE'S THE WILL!!!!!

Frodo: There's no need to shout! It's over here.

[leads the Sackville-Baggins' into another room.]

Here it is. And might I say that Bag End does belong to me. [under his breath] And never will belong to you if I can help it. [aloud again] Are you satisfied? I've cheated you out of nothing.

[Frodo peers inside her umbrella as he is pushing her not-so-kindly out the hobbit hole.]

Lobelia: Whot are ye lookin at now? Yer not fit to be a Baggins, why, you, you, you, Brandybuck!

[All the Hobbits stop what they are doing and GASP!]

(merithehobbit)

[Except for Merry who stands, arms folded and big grin]: Lobelia.. what a nice compliment for Frodo!

(suekota7 & FrodoPippinSam)

Lobelia: An git your hands outer my Umbrella, Frodo. GIVE-IT-TO-ME! They's just a few valurables, I mean worthless family heirlooms, I mean junk!!!!

[Frodo pushes her out with finality and door hits her ample Sackville-Baggins-Bottom!]

I.1. A Long Expected Party