(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits followed Gollum up the ravine, with pillars of rock on both sides and a dark, smoky roof of sky overhead. As they went, a great, grey wall of stone loomed up before them. Signs began to appear along the path, saying things like "CAUTION," "DANGER AHEAD," "GO BACK, FOOL!" and "CAN'T YOU READ, YOU MORONS?" Gollum paid no heed to them, and Frodo and Sam were bent on the task of climbing up the path and did not notice them. Finally, they reached the wall.
Sam: (sniffing the air) Hoo, baby! There's that stink again, only worse!
Odd Narrator: Gollum led them to an opening in the wall, over which was the smashed remains of a neon sign. Part of it was unreadable, but the last word was, clearly, "ENTER."
Gollum: Heh, heh. Bit of vandalism, looks like.
Frodo: Is this the only way? That sign makes me nervous. What did it say, Smeagol?
Gollum: Oh, uh, something like... "Feel free to enter." No, no. "Please enter." Yes, that'ss the ticket. It's the only way...
Sam: "Please enter?" That doesn't seem very likely, does it?
Gollum: So now it has something against politeness, does it, preciousss? Nice sign offends?
Sam: It's not the sign that's offensive. It's the smell! Have you actually been through there?
Gollum: Yes, oh, yes. Right through. Gollum can bear nassty smells (under his breath) but not nasty hobbitses!
Sam: Wait... I'm just trying to imagine what might make that smell... hmmm... add a little of this, little of that... almost got it... AAAUUUGH! Ugh! Eeewwww! Okay, that's enough for me to know that I really don't wanna know!
Frodo: Well, if it's the only way, we'd best get on with it.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The pair entered the dark tunnell and walked for ages through the foul-smelling darkness.(Russ)
Frodo: It all comes from here! The stench and the peril!
Sam: What is it?
Frodo: (Points to a sign that reads: MORDOR MUNICIPAL WASTEWATER TREATMENT FACILITY)
Sam: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
[The hobbits start down the tunnel again, Sam in the lead, Frodo just behind, seeming distracted as if looking for something, until they come to a split in the passage]
Sam: Oh for crying out loud!
Frodo: Now what?
Sam: We've come to a fork in the road!
Frodo: Gasp! Which way do we go?
Sam: You're asking me? How the hell should I know? I thought that was why we brought Gollum along!
Frodo: Where the heck is he any way? GOLLum. Huh, that's weird, lemme try it again, HEYyyy GOLLum.
Sam: Wow, not even an echo. You know what that means don't you?
Frodo: That we are royally screwed?
Sam: If you take my meaning. Boy if I ever see that Gollum again I am going to give him a VERY strongly worded letter!
Frodo: Do tell.
(merithehobbit)
Spooky Stinky Carcass Disguised Narrator: As the Hobbits wandered the tunnel, Gollum had gone on ahead. He knew the many tunnels of the Lair of Shelob. For he had frequented her stench ridden hole of a home many times. Today, he was dutifully bringing her lunch and dessert.
Gollum: Oh... Shelob... honey... I'm home. [pads down a pathway in the darkness]
SSCDN: He can hear the hobbits discussing the stench and their fears behind him, but knows they will take the main path. For it is wider and has arrows pointing the way, well, if you had some kind of light to see by, which would be amazing considering that they can't even catch a bunny if they tried.
Gollum: Shelob [whispers loudly] Hey Spiderlady? Where are you...
Shelob: BOO! [cackle of laughter] Scared ya huh?
Gollum: [jumps] WAHH! Shelobbbiee... sheesh! I brought you two nice fat Hobbits to dine upon, [Shelob licks her fangs] well, they were fatter, but we kept passing the Pastry Shops and they ate lembas, but they're probably better than Orcs, and much better tasting than gristly old me! [walks in to her very slightly lit lair] What have you done with the curtains? They look fabulous?
Shelob: You like?
Gollum: Oh my yes... [clutches his chest] who indeed would have thought to put up Orc hides... and in such a grotesque manner... love the entrail tie backs... you have such an eye... shall I say eyes... for detail... Bwahhahaaa!
Shelob: [snicker] I had a few months of just nothing new... but I found I quite like entrail braiding... it is near as fun as macramé.
Gollum: [snerrk] I brought you some more of these magazines... [plops them on the coffee table made of papier-mache. ] you have made great use of the last bunch... love the collage carpet... [walking on a carpet of years of Gossip Magazines] They are so delicately placed together in such an elaborate pattern... [jumps up SQUEALS and holds his hands to his heart] I just adore it!
Shelob: Oh goodie! [claps two claws together] Well, at least you appreciate it a teensy bit, the last 15 Orcs I ate didn't care for it at all... but I suppose they weren't up to talking very much just then... [snicker]
Gollum: [snerrk] I doubt it! Well, are you going to try these two in the main pass?
Shelob: Of course, no one makes it out anyway... the main passage is blocked by several years worth of my special recipe cobweb... I had to eat some Orc armor that day... makes it especially tough... but rather hard on my digestion...
Gollum: Cool... well, you're going to appreciate these two. The stupid slow one thinks everyone is a perv and fancies his Master's bum for some reason. I don't know why, it isn't his bum that is attractive in any way, shape or form... he does have mesmerizing eyes though... you'd appreciate them... deep and blue and big and wide as a Japanese cartoon character!
Shelob: YES! I love eyeballs... and BLUE you say? Those are rare indeed... especially around here. I've had nothing but yellow and red and pink and diseased eyeballs for ever! Blue [licks her fangs] taste like strawberries.
Gollum: Well, good thing you like strawberries... they both probably taste like strawberries... with all the bathing they've done!
Shelob: Ahhh... strawberries and Elves... those were the days... sooo sweet they were. Alright, I'm starving... look at me [holds out saggy skin of her massive baggy body] so emaciated! Well off I go. [cackle]
SSCDN: Shelob heads up the corridor while Gollum sits on a couch made of bones and Orc skin, grabs the remote control and flips on ORC TV.
Gollum: OH cool! She has Playstation!
(Russ)
Sam: Which way now?
Frodo: How about the tunnel less traveled?
Sam: Could make all the difference.
Frodo: Quick! Run!
[Sam bolts toward one of the tunnels]
KAH-THWACK!!!
Sam: Ow. That hurt.
Frodo: Sam? You okay?
Sam: Nothing that a little neurosurgery won't cure. This ones blocked.
Frodo: It is as I feared!
Sam: As you what? Then why the hell...
Frodo: No time Sam, we gotta go, this way, hurry!
Sam: Hummph! Well alright, but you go first this time!
[hideous gurgle-burble from behind them.]
Frodo: CRAP!
Sam: Are we trapped?
Frodo: No, it's just... all over the floor... I think the storm drain backed up!
Noise from the dank, dark, um, dankness: hisssss-gurgle-burble-slurp!
Sam: Well now THAT's not a good sign!
Frodo: Well Sam, I guess this is it ...
Sam: Hey, I just remembered something!
Galadriel: v. o. Use it as a light in dark places, yadda, yadda.
Frodo: It's been nice knowin' ya old buddy!
Sam: Wait, Mr. Frodo, what about...
Frodo: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound...
Sam: NO, wait you can...
Frodo: That saved a wretch...
Sam: YO! (whacks Frodo on the back of the head)
Frodo: Like m... HEY!
Sam: The Lady's gift dude! Use the star glass!
Frodo: D'oh! (pulls vial from his breast pocket) Let's see, how does this thing work?
Sam: Have you got batteries?
Frodo: No, I think it's rechargeable, oh, here we go, "on". (click)
> > > > BLAZE < < < <
Shelob: BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK...
Sam: WHOOOOOO BUDDY!!!! Now that what's what I call a light!
Shelob: ... BLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINKBLINK...
Frodo: Aiiee! Ibrahil! Rama-lama-ding-dong HEY!
Shelob: Phhhbpbpbpbpthuit! Speak not your silly elvish words to me puny hobbits! I fart in your general direction!
Sam: HOLY CRAP! That is the biggest damn spider I've ever seen! Great Gibbering Macrocephalic Baboons! What kind of sick, twisted mind would come up with something like that!?!? CLARK, WE NEED YOU!
Frodo: Feet, do yo duty!
Sam: It's no use Mr. Frodo, you can't outrun it!
Frodo: I don't have to Sam, I only have to outrun you!
[THUUUU-WHACKKKK!]
Frodo: Ow. Dang it!
Sam: Well that's poetic justice and no mistake!
Shelob: Oh boysssss!
Frodo: Quick Sam, do something!
Sam: ME!?!? You're the one who wanted to save the world!
Frodo: Well don't just stand there... draw your sword!
Sam: Against THAT! Are you sh****** me?
Frodo: Well we can't just stand here and die!
Sam: Well I'm all ears and feet!
Frodo: Dammit! If only I had something other than this stinkin' vial of light... ooooh! GALADRIEL!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile... in Lothlorien... The Lady of the Wood lies in her bubble bath, getting her nails done and drinking a strawberry daiquiri with...
Audience: OH MAN! I hate it when they interrupt totally action packed scary scenes!
PJ: Complain, complain...
Androgynous Elf #1: My lady Galadriel... you have a phone call.
Galadriel: What? Who is it? Can't you see I am having ME time?
Androgynous Elf #2: [painting the nails] She needs her ME time... and she's still tacky... can't possibly hold the phone...
Androgynous Elf #1: Uhh... well [fidget] It is an emergency call from Frodo and the Phial... they're in Shelob's Lair...
Galadriel: [sitting up suddenly... bubbles flying] WHAT? GIVE ME THAT PHONE... NO... put it on visual conference call...
Androgynous Elf #1: [pushes some buttons and a screen pops up giving her a view from the Phial] Here you go... [watching] Oh... man it's dark!
Androgynous Elf #2: [glare]
Galadriel: Of course it's dark if they're in with that #%$#$ Shelob! She's sick and disgusting as anything... she HATES the light... that's why Phial will come in handy!!
Phial: Uh... "Galadriel"... that's right Frodo... say "Galadriel"... it's a scary word for this creature!
Frodo from small screen: GALADRIEL!
Galadriel: Yes... good job Phial!
[cut back to Shelob's Lair]
Phial: [glimmer]
(Russ)
Shelob: Huh?
Frodo: Well, whad'dya know. (draws Sting)
Sting: It's show time!
Frodo:
Here I come, straight out of the Shire,
Walkin' tall with Sting,
an a fist full of fire,
I'm the H-O-B TO THE B-I-T
So you better stand back or get a taste of me!
Shelob: Bwahhhh-ha-ha-ha, hoo boy! That is TOO much! BWAHHH-HAW-HAW-HAWWWW!!!! Okay, okay, ooo I'm soooo scared of the big scary hobbit! Oooooo! Here, look, I'm running away, here I go! Bye!
[exit Shelob]
Frodo: Huh. It worked. What do you know?
(BunnieBugs)
Sam: Oh, my stars and garters! You da MAN!! Wait! Are you nuts? Don't go after it... [hauls Frodo back up out of Shelob's passage]
Sam: Now's our chance to get away!
Odd Narrator: And so the hobbits turned and fled, with every step climbing higher above the stench and slippery footing of the seeping sewage. Behind them, a blind hatred lurked, bent on death...
Shelob: Shh! Do you mind? I want to catch the end of this episode of Buffy. THEN I'll get back to the hatred and death thing...
Odd Narrator: Okaaayyyy... As you were...
Frodo: Can you feel it, Sam? The air is getting colder!
Sam: It's not so bad, sir, but you can borrow my cloak, if you like...
Frodo: No, Sam! There's got to be an opening to the outside ahead. Hurry! Follow m... OOF!
Sam: What was tha... UNH!
[The hobbits are flung back by some unseen barrier]
Sam: What was that?!
Frodo: I don't know... felt a bit like a sideways trampoline. Let's try it again. On three... one... two...
Sam: Wait! Do you mean ON three? Or AFTER three?
Frodo: Uh, after three, I guess. Okay... one... two... hold on! I change my mind. ON three feels better. Okay... one... two... THREE!
[the hobbits throw themselves forward again, only to be hurled back, sprawling on the ground. ]
Frodo: Dang! Whatever it is, it's strong!
Sam: Uh, Mr. Frodo? Could you get up, please? You're right on top of me. Not that it's a problem or anything... it's just... ow?
Frodo: Sorry. (helps Sam up)
Odd Narrator: Frodo held up Galadriel's phial, which for some reason didn't occur to him to do as they repeatedly flung themselves into the unseen barrier...
Frodo: HEY!
Odd Narrator: I'm just saying... Anyway, across the tunnel was a grey shadow, a vast spiderweb of densely woven rope-like strands. Across the center of it was written the words: "SOME PIG. "
Sam: 'Some pig?' What the #&@% does that mean?
Frodo: I dunno... Maybe it's her shopping list.
Sam: Well, I say "fooey" to cobwebs! Stand back! I'm gettin' us out of here!
[Sam strikes at the cords with his sword, but they spring back unharmed]
Sting: You're gonna have to do better than that. That was pathetic.
Sam's Sword: Oh, yeah? Watch this!
[Sam attacks the web furiously, and finally one strand snaps and whips back, cutting Sam's hand]
Sam: EEEYYOWCH!
Sam's Sword: (petulantly) NOW look what you made me do!
Sam: Well, apparently resistance is futile... We're trapped, #$&$&&##@%, and $$%##&$!!!
Frodo: Whew! I'm not the only one whose swearing has improved! Let me give it a shot, Sam. Here... hold the star-glass. Let's see what Sting can do...
Sting: Ha! Just stand back and watch a professional at work!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: We now see Galadriel, in her Robe with two Androgynous Elves at her side, watching a small screen in her private chamber.
Galadriel: Oh... c'mon... hold up that Phial so I can see.
Androgynous Elf #1: How DOES that work... we can see them, but they can't see us?
Galadriel: Of course! You don't think I'd let Frodo go off gallivanting all over the countryside with the ring of power and not have some way to spy on him do you?
Androgynous Elf #2: Wow... looks like Sting is making progress on those cobwebs...
Galadriel: [Sigh] You young Elves just don't know anything... [muttering] Probably because you only went to Elf Beauty School of Servitude... [regular voice] Sting is special... he is an Elven Blade, and thus can chop through magical and cursed things unlike other blades... and Sting is even better than most... he glows and sings... very talented.
(Idril)
[Cut to Shelob's blocked exit]
Odd Narrator: Frodo drew his blade in a long cut across the foul web, and to their surprise it cut through the strands like butta. Sting began to sing and with a few strokes he almost penetrated the web's thick greasy layers.
Sting:
With one breath, with one flow
You will know... Synchronicity
A sleep trance, a dream dance,
A shared romance... Synchronicity
A connecting principle,
Linked to the invisible
Almost imperceptible
Something inexpressible.
Science insusceptible
Logic so inflexible
Causally connectible
Yet nothing is INVINCIBLE!
Hey, this is easy!
Odd Narrator: Soon Frodo had shredded all of the within his reach (well that leaves the whole top half but that's not important) .
Ring: Woo hoo... the path is clear! We're outta that stink hole. Let's skeedaddle!
Frodo: Woo hoo! Let's skeedaddle!
[He dashes out of the tunnel and toward the pass]
Sam: Hey wait for me!
Ring: Devil take the hindmost... run, run for the pass!
Frodo: Sam, hurry up! Run for the pass!
Odd Narrator: Sam ran behind, but his mind was filled with dread. He looked back over his shoulder, half-expecting to see those creepy eyes gleaming out from the tunnel.
Little did he know of the creature that he and his master had awoken in that dark place. Shelob was her name, daughter of Ungoliant. And the fell beast that was her father held the Guiness Book of Middle-Earth record for longest act of copulation while decapitated. She lived there in that dark pass for ages unknown, brooding with the malice of a thousand grounded teenagers long before Sauron built his Dark Tower. She served none but herself and her dark hungers, hunger for all life and for her supermarket tabloids. Upon those she brooded and dreamed of devouring Oprah and Liz Taylor and Brad Pitt and all the other juicy celebrities.
Gollum discovered her long ago, and worshipped her bulky dark form (though he feared to explore her fully as he wasn't into headless copulation) . His eyes had gleamed green with adoration as he'd promised to bring her some semi-famous food and to sign her up for a year's subscription to the Globe. She took his promise and let him live... for no celebrities came to Cirith Ungol, and now that Sauron's power was growing no elves or men came either... only orcs and they were not very juicy.
He knew that she cared nothing for bright jewelry and shunned QVC, so in the wickedmost crannies of his mind Gollum had devised a plan. Shelob would do his killing for him... and he would retrieve his precious from the husks that she cast aside.
As for Sauron, he knew of her and thought of her as a pet. She guarded that ancient path well, and it cost him no more than an a few orcs. Unlucky prisoners were sent to her too, and reports of her hunts were sent to the Dark Lord for his pleasure. In fact, due to some wonderful advances in infra-red video, she had become a huge hit on ORC TV.
Sam knew nothing of the creature that they had bestirred in that tunnel...
Sam: Well NOW I do... thanks bunches! Mr Frodo, wait! Oh crud... Sting is glowing too! [He runs after, hiding the phial in his shirt. ]
(merithehobbit)
Androgynous Elf #1: [excitedly looking at screen] Oh... they got out of the hole... cool! I was wondering about this Shelob character... she is a pretty ugly looking creature... looks rather disgusting in that hole!
Galadriel: [looking irritated] Didn't you hear what Odd Narrator just said? She is quite nasty indeed... and old and crabby as well. She has been around since Beren and Luthien... her relatives still live in Mirkwood... she was the whore of all spiders! She has offspring all over Middle Earth, but none are as nasty as her.
Androgynous Elf #2: How did she get way over by Mordor then?
Galadriel: Well, no one knows for sure, she never was one for correspondence, but she has been over there since before Sauron got his hand chopped off... even before Barad-dur was under construction. Sauron knows she's there and even sends her a man or two every once and a while... for a snack... but she stinks so bad it always makes his eye water, so he doesn't bother with her much.
Androgynous Elf #2: Ewww... that's gotta be bad...
Galadriel: [watching] None have escaped her lair, until now... this ought to be bad... [watching in horror as Sam and Frodo are attacked]
Phial: Phial to Galadriel, Phial to Galadriel... do you hear me Mistress?
Galadriel: [grabbing a microphone] I hear you phial, and have visual, of a shirt anyway... go ahead.
Phial: This is looking bad... Frodo gave me to Sam, and I don't know if he'll remember to use me in time... and that nasty [crackle... static]
Androgynous Elf #1: Whoa... bad reception... Oh NO!
[Cut to Sam/Gollum/Odd]
Odd Narrator: Sam, after getting the creeps sees Frodo running for the pass and a strange shadow squeezing her bulk and creepy folded limbs out of another hole ahead of him. She made a beeline for Frodo, ignoring the more tasty meal of Sam, or just attracted by the running, and blue eyed Frodo with cloak flying behind him... no on knows... but...
Sam: Nooo... Frodo... look ou... MFFERRRELBBBLL
Gollum: HEH HEH! I'll get you
Odd Narrator: Gollum had pounced on Sam and stopped him from warning Frodo of the attacking Shelob who was quick as, well, all spiders are... chasing the bolting Frodo. He was pretty quick for a Hobbit, having won the Eleventy Meter Dash in High School, but she had been to the Spider Speed Olympics and eaten all the competitors, so he was in deep doo-doo here.
Sam: HEY... this is our little fight remember?
Gollum: Yeah... I've been planning it forever... stop talking about Frodo!
Odd Narrator: Well, he is the focal character... and is being attacked by a HUGE spider...
Sam: FROD... [wrestle, bonk, kick ]
[Cut to Galadriel and Co. ]
Galadriel: [looking at the bouncing screen, and a close up of Sam's pocket] I'd bet Gollum has Sam. Listen... the audio is still picking up...
Phial/screen: At lasstttttt I can killsss the pervyssss hobbitssss... WAHHHHH! [fighting and struggling sounds] Ufff... arrrrrghh... RRRAAAAAR... AK... not my foot hairrrrrr... You little... GGGGGGGRRRRRRR... RAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [wrestling and oofing]
Celeborn: [walking in] Gala... OH... COOL! You got CABLE in here? [runs over and plops in front of screen] How come you only get the audio?
Galadriel: Because Phial is in Sam's pocket.
Phial/screen: WWWWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHH... RRRRRR... Ufff... Uff... OWW! Rip, THUNK... bang... bang...
Celeborn: Busy pocket, huh? [gives Galadriel a twisted smile]
Galadriel: You idiot... Sam put Phial into his pocket and is wrestling and trying to kill the creature Gollum... MEN! One track minds!
Celeborn: [sits down next to Galadriel and starts creeping his hand up her leg] You know it... baby!
Galadriel: [rolls her eyes and crosses her legs and returns to watching the screen, giving Celeborn a push making him fall off the chair]
Androgynous Elf #2: This isn't good, Shelob and Gollum? ... What kind of kinky relationship do those two have?
Galadriel: You really don't want to know... something about eating skinny supermodels and needing Supermarket Tabloids to line her den floor. But they are in cahoots that's for sure. She for the meal she means to make of those two cute hobbits... and Gollum... he wants the Ring. Oh... PJ can we cut to the action? all we have here is audio [looking at Celeborn with a smirk] and no action.
Celeborn: [snicker] We'll just see about that... A1 and A2... get lost! [gives Galadriel a sexy look and switches off the Phial TV. ]
PJ: OK... The Lady of the Wood wants some... so... Action.
Gollum: You've taken wrestling? [Bonk... RRAAARR... POKE, Wham! ]
Sam: Of course, and you've studied the martial arts I see... [Thwack, PULLLLLLL, KONK, Scratch]
Gollum: Made it to Black Belt, but didn't like wearing the little PJ's. [Wrestle, punch, bonk]
Sam: DANGIT! You are interrupting my "save Frodo" scene... and If anyone tries to mess with Frodo... [punch] they're gonna die! RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Odd Narrator: The rage and fury that burned inside Sam was so fierce and hot that even Gollum was much surprised at this Hobbit's response to his patented jump from behind move, that he'd used for years without failure. Sam with a wrestling Gollum on his back suddenly did a flip backwards and this threw Gollum off, and Sam on top of him.
Gollum: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK! [puff, pant] You're squashing me... heeelllllllpp... can't breathe... [hack, hack]
Sam: [bouncing to squash him harder] You #%@$%, %@%#$@, %@$#@**%#%, @#%@^^$, @#%%@, $#@%#@**$@#! , @%#%^@^%, %#%@, $$###@! , ^@%#%%*.
Odd Narrator: Such a string of profanity had never been uttered in all of Middle Earth, Sam had wielded his tongue in such a way as to astound all who heard, as he reached for his staff and began to beat the crap out of Gollum. But Gollum slithered out of the way just in time... and having had his plan thwarted, and fearing that the Gaffer would show up and make them both write "I will not swear and curse in front of the Gates of Sauron" Five thousand times... he ran off at amazing speed towards the tunnel.
Sam began to follow him, but then...
Phial: AAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOO SAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
Sam: WHOA?
Phial: HELLO... go save Frodo! And take me out of your pocket for heaven's sake... Galadriel wants to see what's happening!
Galadriel: [From off camera with giggles and moans] Thanks Phial.
Phial: Go get her Sam... make us proud!