(Runtssellbor)
Gollum: Wait, wait! Not that way silly hobbitses! That way leadses you to the...
Sam: (stops cold) Gasp!
Frodo: MOMMY!
Gollum: sigh. Minas Morgul.
Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam stopped their flight and stretching out before them a long-tilted valley ran far back into the mountains, where on the further side, perched like some long dead canary on the knees of Ephel Murtz, stood the dark tower and walls of Minas Morgul, City of the Ringwraiths!
All was dark about it, but it was lit with an unholy light, not the reflected light of the moon, welling through the walls of Minas Ithil as of long ago, but the cold, heartless light of cheap neon announcing that "Live Nude Orcs" and "XXX Shanarran Lap Dancing Trolls!" existed within it's fell walls. In the walls and tower windows showed, like countless black pimples on a Cave Trolls backside, but the topmost course of the tower revolved slowly, first one way, then another, "Eat At Joe's" blazing with a terrible radiance atop it's abominable spire.
Gollum: Come! Come! Nice Hobbitses must make haste, Smeagol has to pee!
Ring: I smell VICTORY!
Odd Narrator: Gollum grabbed the two by the short hairs and dragged them forward, until they came to the white bridge. There Frodo stopped, and, as if a sudden fit were upon him, ran wildly toward it's edge in the direction of the Dark City. He leaned madly over the rail...
Sam: NO! Mr. Frodo!
Frodo: HOCKKKKKKKK, PET-EWIE.
Sam: (grabbing Frodo by the arm and dragging him back) You okay Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: I'm fine Sam, it's just that whenever I get near a bridge, I just have to spit.
Ring: PUTMEONPUTMEONPUTMEON!!!!
Frodo: Look at the tower, isn't it just lovely! Maybe just a quick visit...
Ring: YES!
Gollum: NO! Not that way! Rest area is over here! That's where we pees we does, not here in front of nassssty towereses where everyone can see!
Sam: I'm afraid I'm with Gollum on this one sir. I don't know what it is about that tower that bugs me so much, oh wait, it's because it's full of DEAD KINGS! Now come on, this way.
Ring: Oh MAN!
(BunnieBugs)
[Gollum crawls up the path into the gloom. The hobbits trudge after him, only able to see him when he turned his head toward them with gleaming eyes.]
[trudge... trudge... trudge... ]
Sam: Strange how this path glows. It reminds me of... (looks up at the stone wall) I knew it. Black lights! Tricky devils.
Eerie Narrator: The hobbits laboured up the path, ever aware of the glowing neon tower behind them. As they climbed their heads cleared with the fresher air, but their limbs grew heavy and tired... like those dreams where you try to run, but you don't seem to be able to move... and something horrible is drawing near... and try as you might, you can't get away...
Sam: Do you mind? This place is way more creepy than you.
Eerie Narrator: Fine! (walks off in a huff)
Odd Narrator: Sorry, the director just wanted to try something new.
Sam: Could you please just catch up with us, here?
Odd Narrator: Sure. The hobbits could go no further without rest. They were now at the top of a great hump of... oh, no you don't! (finishes quickly) ... a great hump of bare rock...
Merry and Pippin: (from off-set) [snicker!]
Odd Narrator: Dang! Anyway, the path ahead became a narrow ledge with the cliff on one side, and a sheer drop on the other.
Frodo: (sits on a stone) I gotta take a breather. It's getting heavy...
Ring: I wanna go back that way! Take me back! Waahh!
Sting: Shut up, you whiner!
Ring: Hmph! Mind your own business.
[Gollum comes back down the path]
Gollum: Sssh! Ssssssh!
Sam: Is it just me, or is his lisp getting worse?
Gollum: (whispers from behind his hand) Stupid hobbitss! Loud, obnoxious hobbits! Look! (points upward) Ssurveillance cameras! Also wired for sound!
Frodo: Well, I'm not going anywhere, yet.
Gollum: Yess, Master must come... (tugs at Frodo's sleeve)
Frodo: No way.
Gollum: Yess!
Frodo: Make me!
Gollum: Sssssss! Oh, we'd like to, we would...
Sam: (stepping between Gollum and Frodo) Oh, that won't be necessary. Come on, Mr. Frodo. We can't stay here.
Frodo: Well, all right. (sigh) But you can't make me like it!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Gollum tried his best to get the hobbits away, but it was too late. The ground began to tremble beneath them a as rumbling noise swelled and rolled and echoed through the mountains. It grew to a roar greater than the greatest demonic car audio system and then suddenly a great splash of fire lit the sky beyond the mountain range. The steep tortured peaks and garish "Eat at Joe's" sign jumped out in stark silhouette against the blood-red glare. Deafening thunder followed, as Mount Doom bellowed forth its call to war.
And Minas Morgol answered. With a great screaming "PIKACHU!" harsh blue lightning struck upward from its peak and crashed against the looming clouds, like the emanation of some great ghastly undead electric Pokeman.
As the hobbits ears recovered from the terrible assault of thunder, they heard a harsh wavering cry issuing from the deathly city. And to their dismay they recognized words in that cry:
Harsh Wavering Cry:
Everybody... yeah!
Rock your body... yeah
Everybody... yeah
Rock your body right
Backstreet's back, alright!
Odd Narrator: Then great drums began to rumble. The hobbits threw themselves to the ground and writhed with horror as the main voice was joined by others in a stomach-churning cacophony of dreadful noise.
Multiple Harsh Voices:
Hey, yeah
Gotta tell ya, we're back again
Orcs, wargs, trolls and men, everybody sing
Gonna bring on the war, gonna show you how
Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah
Odd Narrator: With that the great gates of the city screeched open, and a dreadful host began to issue forth. Orcs, trolls, evil men, screaming teenaged Nazgirls, wargs, and all manner of fell beasts. The host was dressed in black leather in imitation of their Captain, who led them forth on a huge hideous black horse.
Harsh Wavering Voice:
Am I original? Yeah!
Am I the only one? Yeah!
Am I sexual? Yeah!
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now
So everybody, everywhere
Better be afraid, better have some fear
I'm gonna tell the world, make you understand
As long as there is evil, we'll be comin' back again!
Backstreet's back, alright!
Frodo: OMUG! It's the Witch King! Owwwww my shoulder!
Odd Narrator: To Frodo's dismay the Captain stopped before the bridge and held his hand for silence. The Nazgirls, confused as usual, would not stop screaming until they were lashed into submission by their orcish handlers. The Witch King stood still and turned his head from side to side, seeming to sense that something was not right in his valley.
Ring: Wwwwwhhhhee! Fudge! Wwwwwhhhhhhhee!
Frodo: Sh!
Ring: Dammit! I knew I should have learned to whistle! <pathetically quiet whistle>
Frodo: Sh! Quit!
Ring: Okay, that's not gonna work. Let's see... how about...
PUTMEONPUTMEONPUTMEONPUTMEON!!!!
Frodo: (very quietly) No!!!!
Ring: YES!
Frodo: <MOAN>
Ring: You #$(&%%@)#$!!! PUT ME ON!
Frodo: Go @#$#@$%#&!!!
Ring: NOW!
Frodo: <reaches for ring>
Ring: Woohoo... alright! Papa, you're baby's comin' home!
I'm coming home I've done my time
And I have to know what is or isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'd know just what to do if you still want me!
Frodo: <reaches for Galadriel's phial instead>
Phial: (glowing) A bit early to be celebrating, isn't it dickweed?
Ring: ARRRGGGHHH!
Frodo: <MOAN>
Witch King: Hmmph. Probably just an infestation of bunny rabbits. Note to self: Send exterminator to stairs.
Odd Narrator: And with that the Witch King let loose another terrible cry...
Witch King: I may come and kill you while you're screamin' my name, alright!
Odd Narrator: ... and the drums resumed their ghastly rhythm as legion upon horrible legion of Sauron's fell creatures streamed out of the city and marched down toward the ruined city of Osgilath upon the Anduin.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Frodo moved around now that the crisis and initial terror had passed, but suddenly he began to get very depressed and tears started springing from his eyes.
Frodo: (thinking) All those creepy bad guys, and they are all headed towards Faramir... poor Faramir... Will they make it past Osgiliath in time... and who can hold against that icky Witch King... (sniff) Poor Faramir (sob) and It's all my fault! (weeping) If I hadn't dawdled and had all those foot rubs... and baths... ALL IS LOST! (blubber) I just SUCK! (starts pounding fist into the dirt) Even if I get there, no one will ever know! (wipes tears with dirty hand) They'll all be dead, and (sniff, WAAAAAAAAHHHHH)
Odd Narrator: The scene was grim as Frodo filled with self doubts and despair began to cry and weep as none had seen it. Academy Award tears flowing from his blue eyes, cast in the dramatic blue of the lights... he wept until he fell asleep.
(qkbeam)
Frodo:
Oh we're all gonna fry
fry
fry!
underneath the eye
eye
eye!
Think I'll just lie
lie
lie
down here for a nice little napzzzzzz
Gollum: Personally, I think "die" might have been more in keeping with the rhyme scheme.
Sam: SHUT UP!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: And still the host of Mordor continued their march as Sam and Gollum sat in an uncomfortable silence watching Frodo's pathetic state, and the armies of their Enemy pour forth.
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Oh Frodo, sweetie, honey?
Frodo: [mumbling] Mummy? Sam? Breakfast? Birdies in Springtime?
Sam: [smack] Frodo! Snap out of it! You just slept through the Massive Advancing Enemy Army with another Narcoleptic attack!
Frodo: [sitting up with a tear stained dirty face] Uh... Oh... sorry Sam.
Sam: They're gone let's go too.
Frodo: With them?
Sam: No... away from them, into scarier stuff.
Frodo: Okay then... [gets up]
Gollum: Foolish Ssssilly Hobbitss... rest and crying all the time... make haste... must not be Entsssss... make HASTE! Still more danger here... more boy bandsss nearby... hurrysss...
Odd Narrator: Sam and Frodo followed their green companion once again, Frodo clutching his staff in one hand and the phial of Galadriel in the other and began following Gollum.
Phial of Galadriel: GLOW... shiny wholesome glowwwwwwww...
Frodo: Oh... better keep you hidden.
Phial of Galadriel: Ummm. Nice chest hairs... nice snuggy hobbit! I will love you and warm you and show you the way... just keep me close... yes... to your heart... ahhh... I will love you, and warm you and show you the way...
Ring: Slut!
Phial of Galadriel: You're just jealous... you don't glow and warm people... just make them disappear and feel all nasty and creepy...
Ring: [pause]
Frodo: Hah... she got you there... stupid ring.
Ring: [grumble, grumble]
Odd Narrator: The little pathetic and once again dirty and depressed group made it around where the mountain swelled again and they entered a narrow opening in the rock where it was dark and quite creepy and they began to climb stairs.
Gollum: Steps lots of nasty steps... don't trip... steep it isss...
Frodo: Oh man... this is like climbing that loft ladder in the big Took house...
Sam: Well, it is a bit darker, and a lot longer [huff, puff]
Frodo: Well, at least there is a bit of wall on each sid... Whoa... cracked one there Sam...
Sam: Oh... thanks...
Frodo: Uh Gollum, do you think you could warn me when there's a [slip] Ufff... a nasty uneven or cracked stair... [slip]ACCCK! Oh... like that one...
Gollum: Must be carefulsss... yes... must... too many cracked and uneven stepssss to warn about... just assume they are all that way... Gollum has to be careful too... [slip] SSSSsssssseeee?
Frodo: Man... this is killing my knees... and my quads...
Sam: [huff, puff] Whoo, I think we have hit a higher altitude too... I am seeing spots...
Frodo: Uugggh... you can see something... it is so dark... [trip, biff] #$%*@.
Sam: You've become a rather good curser on this trip you know Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Well, #@%$, OW... I am pushing myself just a tiny bit... and Bilbo taught me a lot of curse words he picked up from the Dwarves.
Sam: MAN I am dying... are we ever going to get up to the top.
Frodo: Depends on how long the screenwriters wrote this #%$* climb.
Gollum: [eyes gleaming] We made it... First stair is passssst... Clever hobbits... record time for legs so short...
Frodo: [climbing out to the top] OH MAN! I have to lay down... my legs...
Sam: [climbing out to the top] I am just a fountain of sweat... I feel as wet as when I jumped in the lake!
Gollum: Mussst not rest long... another stair still... much longer stair...
Sam: [groan] LONGER?
Frodo: [moan] NOOO... the torture... We don't even have stairs at our houses in the shire...
Gollum: Not harder, just longer... you hobbitsss did good... that was the Straight Stair, nexxxxt is the Winding Stair...
Sam: Hold it, hold on... just a little sec there... these stupid, thigh burning stairs have names?
Frodo: Yeah? They have titles, are they world renown? Tourist attractions... [looking around] How do you know so much about it ... you're giving me the creeps...
Gollum: Well... [glancing around uneasily] We belong to the Stairs of the World Fan Club we do... [blushes]
Sam: WHOA... he can blush?
Frodo: Apparently so... didn't think he had it in him... huh... SWFC... who'd a thunk...
Sam: Frodo? Shall we?
Frodo: Noooo... we have done that joke at least 5 times already...
Sam: C'mon... just a quickie... for me...
Frodo: Saaammm... I don't want to do it... not here...
Sam: You know you want it too...
Frodo: No... I'm not in the mood. [turns around]
Sam: Frodoooo... I am begging you here... It's been soooo long... and
Gollum: Didn't anyone ever tell you that No means NO!
Sam: Oh shut up... what would you know about our relationship...
Gollum: I know that you got the last foot rub and before that only gave him a little short one because he fell asleep...
Frodo: [snork] Maybe later Sam... uh... what's after the Winding Stair?
Sam: Oh... a tunnel... didn't you say there was a tunnel?
Gollum: Oh yes... a tunnel... but you can do lots of foot rubbing before that... even Gollum would like that.
(Russ)
Sam: One hundred forty two thousand three hundred forty-six, one hundred forty two thousand, three hundred forty-seven, one hundred forty two thous...
Gollum: Aw, would you look at that, it lookses likes a little glow worm it does! We likeses glow wormses doesn't we precious!
Frodo: (looking down at the shimmering ribbon of road winding through the darkness of Morgul Valley far, far below.)
HOCKKKKKKK! PETEWIE!
Voice from below: Hey, Knock it off! Damn tourists! You'd think they'd never been on a giant winding stair before! Sheesh.
Frodo: Oops! My bad.
Sam: One hundred forty two thousand three hundred sixty-two...
Odd narrator: On and on the passage climbed, twisting writhing it's unholy way ever higher toward the crest, all the while, as the three toiled their way along, the red light in the sky grew ever stronger, but whether from the onset of some terrible morning or the Dark workings of Sauron, none could tell. And towering over all, lined against the sullen redness of the eastern sky, a black tower kept it's silent vigil, a red light at it's center burning bright. But whether it was the light shining through from the land below or that of a security camera, they were screwed either way.
Frodo: Hey, get a load of that!
(pointing towards the tower)
Sam: Well that sucks and no mistake! I supposed you knew about this didn't you Gollum?
Gollum: Moi?
Sam: Oui Vouz! You knew the pass was watched all along.
Gollum: Dude, this is MORDOR, what did you expect? Silly Hobbitses! But if we goes quiet as mices on our tippy-toes, we may pass by.
Sam: We'll see, but... AHHHHHH! LEG CRAMP! LEG CRAMP! Man, Mordor bites!
Frodo: Well, it's time we rested anyway. And we could use a bite and a nap. Oh Gollum, if you wouldn't mind, how about a song?
Gollum: Song? Yesss! We plays a song for the nice massster we does! (opens guitar case, dons fedora and shades)
Gollum:
Frodo please don't go!
Frodo please don't go!
Frodo Please don't go down Orodruion,
I got me a feelin' you don't know what your doin'...
(BunnieBugs)
Frodo: (yawn) Man, he just burns up that guitar, doesn't he?
Sam: Got that right. Best deal he ever made, I'll warrant.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so, with the sky growing redder by the minute, the two Hobbits ate and dozed, lulled into forgetfullness by the immortal, Howlin' Wolf Gollum.
(qkbeam)
Gollum:
My ring, she left ussss, left us and she didn't say why.
I say, My ring, my precioussss, left us and she didn't sssay why.
Gone off with that theivin' hobbit Bagginsss.
Now it'ssss Master's gonna die!
I brought some rope sir!
some soft, silky rope sir!
But what's the use of rope
when all you do is sleep and mope sir!
Ohhhh, sweet Frodo! --
Frodo: (wakes up) What's that terrible sound! Did someone die?
I can't get this tune out of my head hm hmmm hm hmmmm...
I'm goin' to Mordor out to those Cracks of Doom.
(Don't you tell Gollum now)
I'm going' to Mordor, goin' out to those Cracks of Doom
We're alllll gonna die
and watch the world go boom.
Yes, we're in it deep friends,
like Knights of Neep friends,
I think I'll sleep zzzzzzzz zzzplay it again Samzzzzzz
Gollum: (to Sam) Cracks of Doom? That's just poetic license, right?
(BunnieBugs)
[Sometime later... ]
Sam: <taking a drink> Hmmm... Our water supply sure is getting low. Do you s'pose there's anything drinkable here? What do orcs drink?
Frodo: (shudder) I don't want to think about it... Bound to be nasty stuff... Mr. Pibb or something.
Sam: Eww. That just makes my skin crawl. (sniffs) Ugh! What's that smell?
Frodo: You know what they say: The one who smelt it dealt it...
Sam: No, no! A different sort of smell. I don't like it.
Frodo: Well, then it fits right in with the rest of this place, doesn't it? But there's no turning back now.
Sam: I know. I just think that if they'd let us read the whole script right off, instead of just the first few chapters, we wouldn't be in this fix now. (sigh) I somehow thought it would be more of a fairy tale. Something with a happy ending...
Frodo: I don't know Sam... Some of those fairy tales can be pretty violent and ghastly. Take that little guy who stamps his foot and rips himself in half...
Sam: Sure, but...
Frodo: Or that gingerbread man who runs away only to be eaten by a fox...
Sam: Yeah, but...
Frodo: Or how about that mermaid that sacrifices herself for the one she loves...
Sam: Okay, but...
Frodo: And the wolf who falls into a boiling pot...
Sam: Alright! Point taken. But maybe someday folks'll be telling tales about us...
Frodo: [smirks] "Fairy" tales, Sam?
Sam: I surely hope not... Not that there's anything wrong with that... I was thinking more along the lines of: 'Frodo and Sam's Excellent Adventure.'
Frodo: Ooh! Or how about, 'Sam's World.' Party on, Sam!
Sam: Party on, Frodo!
Both: (high five) Excellent!
Frodo: (laughs giddily) Whoo-hoo!
Surrounding Rocks: [LOOM!]
Frodo: (giggles) What about, 'Sam and the Attack of the Killer Barmaids!'
Sam: Oh, now you're asking for it... 'Frodo Baggins: Permanent Virgin.'
Frodo: (giggles hysterically) Ah! My sides hurt...
Surrounding Rocks: [LOOM!!!]
Frodo: ... Actually, that isn't really funny...
Surrounding Rocks: That's better.
Sam: What do you suppose Gollum's story would be?
Frodo: [snicker] A self-help book...
Sam: Heh, heh. 'Gollum's Guide to Skin Care and Grooming.' [snork!]
Frodo: No, wait! A diet book: 'The Ringbearer's Weight Loss Program.'
Sam: Hee, hee! Or, 'The Seven Habits of Highly Disgusting People!' (calls out) Gollum! Hey, Gollum! What kind of book would you be in? (pause) Now, where's he got to?
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits had seen Gollum settle down to sleep near the mouth of the crevasse a while ago, but now they didn't see him anywhere.
Sam: Grrr... He's probably off selling us out to the nearest troop of orcs. I wonder how much we'll bring.
Frodo: He could have gotten just as good a price for us at the Gates you know. Anyway, they couldn't pay him enough. He doesn't want Sauron to get the ring any more than we do.
Sam: Well true. "Precious for poor Smeagol" is his main goal. I hadn't seen that much evil lust in a body's eyes since that Barmaid got et.
Frodo: Or since we left Bilbo with those elf-maidens.
Sam: Or since Pippin discovered pints.
Frodo: Or since Goldberry <sigh>.
Sam: Or since Bill.
Frodo: Bill the Pony?!?
Sam: No, duh! Since Bill Ferny sold us out to those Black Riders.
Frodo: Ah! Gotcha.
Sam: ANYway, I'll bet if he could figure out a way to weasel out of his promise to be good... he'd do it in a heartbeat.
Frodo: I doubt he could... poor fellow. I think the ring turned his brain to pudding after all those years. "There but for the grace of God" you know.
Sam: You think because he's got major neuroses that he can't figure out how to get what he wants... well, for irrational behavior I'll stack my Gaffer up against Gollum any day, but *he* can be a freakin' genius when it comes to... Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: <nodding off> What? Right right... zzzz
(aneya26)
Sam: [shrugs] Oh well, never mind. Hey, Mr. Frodo. Now that we're alone, in the dark... are you ready for some 'us' time?
Frodo: Sam, what are you talking abou... oh! Oh, Sam!
Sam: Just relax, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: OH! That feels SO GOOD! Wait... a little softer. Oh yeah! OH! Now rub it harder. Faster! Oh, baby! Now scratch it.
Sam: Scratch it? Are you SURE, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Just do it, Sam!
Sam: I... I... I can't do it anymore, sir. My hand's beginning to hurt.
Frodo: That's okay, Sam. I understand. [yawns] After all that excitement, I think I can finally drift off peacefully into sweet slumber. You know what, Sam?
Sam: What, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: You give the most pleasant head massages. My hair feels all tingly, right down to the roots. You should start washing people's hair at the local beauty parlor, IF we ever get back to the Shire. Come to think of it, Aragorn sure could have used your magic fingers!
Sam: [blushes] Aw, thanks. You just be quiet now and go to sleep, Mr. Frodo. Just lay your pretty little head on my soft, inviting lap and go to so sleep. [stroking Frodo's hair] That's right. SLEEEEPP, My Precioussss. [cough, hack, hack, wheeze]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Hours and hours later Gollum returned to find them still sleeping. Sam was sucking his thumb and had Frodo's head tucked up under his arm like a overly-loved teddy bear. Despite being semi-squished, Frodo was looking all relaxed and peaceful...
Gollum: ... like a sweet baby angel... aww.
Odd Narrator: He's had a rough time, you know.
Gollum: Master always looks so gloomy and anxious when he's awake.
Odd Narrator: Yeah, he looks a lot different when he's asleep. You know, he looked more like this all the time before he left the Shire.
Gollum: Oh look, now he's having a bad dream... he looks sad again. Poor master.
Odd Narrator: Hey, what happened to you? Your eyes don't look all glinty-green and you're posture has improved. You look practically hobbit-y... but really old.
Gollum: <shrug> Nothing happened to Smeagol. (looks at Frodo and begins singing with that melodic non-blues-y voice)
When your day is longand the night,
the night is yours alone,
when you're sure you've had enough
of this life,
well hang on.
Don't let yourself go,
'cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone,
if you feel like letting go,
if you think you've had too much of this life,
well hang on.
'Cause everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Hold on.
Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone,
no, no, no, you are not alone...
[reaches out to touch Frodo's knee]
Frodo: (stirs) mumble... NO... mumble... help... zzzzz
Sam: (wakes) Hey, what are you doing?
Gollum: Nothing, nothing... nice Master.
Sam: Well paws off, you perv.
Gollum: (staring at Sam) Well I say! Aren't we polite today? I suppose you should have left the "perv" behind and found your own secret path through the mountains. After all, Smeagol would give up food and water and rest for weeks for the chance to grab Master's bum, now wouldn't he? Everyone knows he's from a bad family... tsk tsk!
Odd Narrator: Hey, that glinty green light is back... that's odd.
Sam: Well sorry, I didn't meant to say that. You just startled me and I wasn't supposed to be sleeping. We missed you, where did you go?
Gollum: I was off flashing orcs.
Sam: Oh never mind then. What time is it?
Gollum: Hair past freckle... time to go. Silly hobbits slept for hours and hours. Were they waiting for the pretty singing birdies to wake them up?
Sam: <SIGH> Mr Frodo, rise and shine! Smeagol says it's time to go.
Frodo: <zzzznngggkkk snork> What? It's still dark.
Sam: That's because we're in the "Dark Land", remember?
Frodo: Right. Oh hey Smeagol... where were you? Did you find something to eat?
Gollum: No food or rest for poor Smeagol. He's a perv.
Sam: Arrgggh! I said I was sorry!
Gollum: <sniff>
Frodo: Alrighty then? Well I think we can find our way from here, Smeagol. Why don't you scoot back home? I think I have some money... you could backtrack to that IHOP we passed and buy yourself a big omelette and some pecan waffles. Sound yummy?
Gollum: Oh no! No waffles for poor Smeagol... not yet! Master would get lost... we still have to go through the tunnel, don't we precious.
Frodo: Very well. Let's get packed up and go.
Gollum: (pouting)
Got me 'cused of peeping,
I can't see a thing.
Got me 'cused of petting,
I can't even raise my hand.
Bad luck, bad luck is killing me.
Well I just can't stand no more of this third degree.
Sam: Shut up.
Gollum:
Got me accused of murder,
I ain't harmed a man.
Got me accused of forgery,
I can't even write my name.
Bad luck, bad luck is killing me.
Well I just can't stand no more of this third degree.
Sam: Shut up, please?
Gollum:
Got me accused of taxes,
I ain't got a dime.
Got me accused of children,
and ain't nary one of them was mine.
Bad luck, bad luck is killing me.
Well I just can't stand no more of this third degree.
Sam: <whimper>