(Russ)
Faramir: Psst, Frodo, you awake?
Frodo: Mmmumph grumpf gurggl... five more minutes...
Faramir: Psst, Frodo, c'mon, time to get up.
Frodo: Do Sam first, just give me five... more... min... zzzzzzzzz.
Faramir: ARISE YOU FOOL OF A HOBBIT!
Frodo: (shoots bolt upright) Huh?!?! Gandalf? Wha?
Faramir: Psych! Just a little impression I've been working on. The men love it. I can't wait to try it out on Dad!
Frodo: Very funny. You're a regular Rich freakin' Little.
Faramir: Aw shucks, t'aint nuthin'. Come on breakfast is ready and Sam is waiting.
[Sam crosses to table set for three and joins them)
Sam: Morning Master. Sleep well?
Frodo: What there was of it, yeah, I guess. So, what's on the menu?
Faramir: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam...
Frodo: Oh no.
Faramir: Oh yes.
Sam: Don't tell me...
Frodo: Please don't...
Men: (singing) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam.
[later]
Faramir: I'll have your spam. I love it! I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Men: BWAHHHH HAW HAW HAW HAW! (applause whistles and cheers)
Faramir: (bowing) Thank you, thank you. No, don't do the wave! They're doing the... NO, don't do the wave! Thank you, thank you one and all.
(Frodo and Sam are staring open mouthed, with wide glassy eyes)
Frodo: I don't believe it. You all knew every word.
Faramir: Impressive no?
Sam: No. Can we eat now?
Frodo: I don't think I'm hungry anymore.
Faramir: Yes you are, come on, let's grub!
[later... again]
Sam: Whew! I'm stuffed! So aren't we supposed to turn and face Mecca now or something?
Faramir: We already did that in the Later part, but you can...
Frodo: BELLLLLLLCH!
Faramir: Um. You're welcome?
Sam: Now you're getting it!
Faramir: Anyhoo, your bags are packed and we've put together a very nice pickenic basket for you. There's plenty do drink along the way, but steer clear of that which flows from Imlad Morgul, the Valley of Living Death...
Frodo: Nice name.
Faramir: ... lest you find yourself doing the Mordor two-step!
Sam: (Looking into the basket) Dried fish, dried fish, dried fish. Hey! What's this? Dried fish in a can? Stale biscuits, more dried fish, and spam, spam, spam...
Faramir: My scouts have returned and they report that something odd is a-foot in the land.
Frodo: What?
Faramir: Nothing.
Frodo: But you just said... ?
Faramir: Yes, nothing, and that is what is odd! Nothing is on the road! No sound of jugglers or calliopes to be heard. The land is silent.
Frodo: Are these the same scouts that thought Gollum was a black squirrel from Mirkwood or a kingfisher?
Faramir: Yeah, why do you ask?
Frodo: Oh NO reason.
Faramir: Well, I feel that a ill wind is coming out of the east, and it blows no good.
Frodo: Tis the calm before the storm.
Faramir: You must lose a fly to catch a trout!
Frodo: A Good Book Has No Ending!
Faramir: Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder!
Frodo: Beggars Can't Be Choosers!!
Faramir: BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY!!!
Frodo: BETTER LATE THAN NEVER!!!!
Sam: Manus Manum Lavat Nolo Contendre!
Frodo: Huh?
Faramir: Wha?
Sam: It means: Hobbit's git while the gittin' is good! It's still dark out and if there's no one out looking around, maybe we ought to skeedaddle!
Frodo: As usual Sam, your simple wisdom prevails. But this ain't over!
Faramir: Not by a long shot!
Anborn: Here's your gear, and um, a little something from me and the boys.
Sam: Ooooooo! Nice staves!
Anborn: Just our way of saying thanks for your advise on skin care. My crows feet are already disappearing!
Faramir: They are made of the fair tree Libidothron, beloved of the Pervy Wood Fanciers of Gondor and a virtue has been set upon them to remain ever stout when firmly grasped of hand. May that virtue not wholly fail you in the Land Of Shadow!
Frodo: Oh most gracious host, it was said to me by Elrond Halfelven that...
[later]
... friendship upon the way, secret and unlooked for.
Faramir: (eyes wide in stunned amazement) He actually SAID all of that?!?
Frodo: 'Fraid so, and more besides, but I cut it down a bit in the interests of getting out of here before the fourth age.
Faramir: You have endured hardships beyond my reckoning then! BRING OUT THE WRETCH!
Anborn: Bringin' out the wretch.
(Enter Gollum, led by several men)
Faramir: Your guide must be blindfolded, but you and your servant Samwise I release from this, if you wish.
Frodo: Yeah, okay, Sam?
Sam: Fine with me.
Faramir: BLINDFOLD THE WRETCH!
Anborn: Blindfolding the wretch sir.
Gollum: Sssss! Go ahead! Blindfoldses us if you will! Poor old Smeagol who wasn't doing nothing but eating nice fishessss. We don't harms nobody but master says blindfold him so we lets him we does. Nice master! Gollum.
Faramir: Sarcasm?
Frodo: Go figure. Maybe you had better blindfold us after all.
Faramir: BLINDFOLD 'EM.
Anborn: Blindfolding 'em!
(Faramir leads them down out of the caves and into the open and into some woods)
Faramir: UN-BLINDFOLD 'EM
Anborn: Un-blindfolding 'em!
Faramir: Here at last is the parting of our ways, Bye!
Sam: Later!
Frodo: Okay, well... OH! (runs up and gives Faramir a big hug)
I'm gonna miss you big guy!
Faramir: Same here little hairy dude! (Bends down and kisses Frodo on each cheek... a very MANLY kiss.) Vive la France!
Frodo: (does the same) Vive la France!
Faramir: Go with the good will of men! Hey look over there!
(Sam and Frodo look, but see nothing and when they look back Faramir and his men are gone)
Frodo: Wow, how do they do that?
Sam: I dunno, but we better get going.
Voice from behind tree: snicker!
Voice from behind another tree: Sh!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Ah... good to be back on the road again... Well, so the travelers turned and began their journey back southward...
Frodo: [sigh]
Sam: [SIGH]
Gollum: [SIGH OF RELIEF]
Frodo: So I guess you're happy to leave?
Gollum: Nassstyy, wicked men! My neck still hurtssess... they were meansss to usss...
Frodo: Hey, my arm still hurts from filling out your forms, so I think you shouldn't complain.
Gollum: Oh... Nice Massster... just kiddingsss... we are sooo glad you filled out formsss... nice Masssster...
Odd Narrator: So the group started their journey, and in this chapter they cover a lot of ground. Walking, and walking, checking out various types of trees and brush all around them. Sam was having a fabulous time checking each plant with his little Middle Earth Plant Guide that he took everywhere.
Sam: Look they have such nice Ashes here...
Frodo: Ashes?
Sam: Ash trees. And the Oaks are just marvelous.
Frodo: [pulling out his mini binoculars] You know, the trees are nice, but I can't find a single bird! I had quite a few checked off on my Rare Birds Series for Middle Earth Birdwatchers, but you'd think I'd find a few here... but noooo they are all silent and hidden!
Gollum: [pause, sniff]
Sam: I noticed the birds' silence as well, I wonder what the deal is?
Frodo: I don't know, but it kinda gives me the creeps... [yawn] I am tired... lets sleep over here by this ancient tree.
Sam: Sounds good, hope it isn't alive like the one by Tom Bombadil.
Frodo: Wow, that seems like forever ago... wonder if Merry and Pippin did anything exciting... or if they just got killed right away... [think] zzzzzzzzzzz ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ [snore] ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ [smile, twitch] ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sam: Good idea. ZZZZZ [wake] ZZZZZZZZ [wake] ZZZZZZZZ [wake, roll over] ZZZZZZZZZ [toss, turn] ZZZZZZZ[wake, rustle] ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ [wake] Dang... ugh... root in my back... [turn over] ZZZZZZZZZZ
Gollum: [sneak around all night, or sleep no one knows] Good morning Hobbits... lets go... rise and shine... busy day... put on your happy sunshine faces and lets move!
Frodo: UGH! I hate happy morning people!
Sam: Well, at least you slept well... [stretch] Here have some Spam.
Frodo: Uh... thanks I guess...
Gollum: Really ssssilly Hobbitssess... we have to haul a$$!
Sam: All right, fine!
Odd Narrator: So they tromped around the forest for the whole day, Sam checking off plants, Frodo searching in vain for birds, and then things started getting creepy and sullen. Gollum even had the creeps and was flitting all around until they came out in the open a bit and heard the sounds of the Anduin. He could see mists and things, but as he had lost his compass long ago, suddenly felt lost.
Frodo: Gollum, do you know where we are?
Gollum: Uh... yeah, and I have bad newssss... that's the creepy road from the Tower, we have gone too far this way... we have to go that wayssss.
Frodo: MAN! I hate it when we overshoot the paths! I am tuckered out, can't we rest now?
Gollum: No... we need to keep going, Switch your clocks... it's Daylight Savings Time now, so we must travel in the dark again.
Sam: Oh yeah... I hate that... well, we need to rest a bit, we'll get up and go in the middle of the night... [plops down]
Frodo: [looks longingly at Sam] Can we do it here?
Sam: Well, I suppose... but we are kind of out in the open...
Frodo: [pout] Let's do it over there... the crotch of that holm-oak looks nice... private...
Sam: Well, okay... but you rub my feet first this time.
(Silarien)
Frodo's Stave: Oh, I'm so glad we're having a break. My new shoe is killing me.
Sam's Stave: Yes, mine too. Can't we just hop off into the bushes while they're not looking?
Frodo's Stave: I wish. But no, we have the "virtue" of Finding and Returning.
Sam's Stave: Drat!
Frodo's Stave: I must say, your carven head is very noble. What is it?
Sam's Stave: Thank you for saying so. I think it's supposed to be a horse.
Frodo's Stave: Is it? Looks more like a hedgehog to me, but still noble. What do I look like?
Sam's Stave: [squinting] Weeell, could be a fish, or one of them dolphin things. On the other hand, might be a bald man with a very long nose. Mind if I call you Baldy?
Baldy: No, of course not, and I'll call you Hog.
Hog: Good. That's the introductions out of the way. Is your thong too tight? Mine is.
Baldy: Tight! How I'm managing to walk is a mystery to me.
(Idril)
Gollum: Time to wake up! It is midnight! Have hobbits had lovely rest?
Frodo: [smacks Gollum on the head]
[nine minutes later]
Gollum: Time to wake up! It is nine minutes after midnight! Have hobbits had lovely rest?
Frodo: [smacks Gollum on the head]
[nine minutes later]
Gollum: Time to wake up! It is eighteen minutes after midnight! Have hobbits had lovely rest?
Frodo: [smacks Gollum in the head]
Sam: <mumble> Can you push him out of the tree or something?
Frodo: ZZZnork... What?
Sam: I hate that! If you're not getting up then reset the alarm. Don't just keep hitting the snooze bar over and over.
Frodo: Oh, I didn't realize I was. I suppose we should go, then.
Gollum: Yes, we must scurry off like little cockroaches when someone turns on the nasty bright light.
Sam: Oh boy, can't wait.
Odd Narrator: Gollum proceeded to take the hobbits on a walking tour of every bramble bush, thorn bank, thicket, bush-shrouded hollow, gorse and whortleberry bush in Mid-Ithilien. However they generally headed east and uphill, toward the dark and ominous Ephel Duath.
[trudge trudge scramble scramble trudge]
Sam: You never knew this, but I wanted badly for you to requite my love.
Frodo: Are you sure?
Sam: When the highs are the lows and the lows are the way, so hard to stay. Guess now you know; I love you so.
Frodo: Well that could be taken more than one way, you know.
Sam: I like your whiskers, and I like the dimple in your chin, your pale blue eyes.
Frodo: No mistaking that.
Sam: <smiles> Nope.
Frodo: So are all of the Red Hot Chili Peppers gay, or just Flea?
Sam: <shrug> I have no idea... I just listen to the music.
Frodo: <sigh> So it's night, and pitch black... and it's still seems gloomy? How can that be?
Sam: Might be all those clouds creeping in and blocking the stars.
Frodo: That's probably it.
Sam: Hey, there's the moon peeking out.
Moon: (looking sickly) Hey guys... I don't feel so well.
Gollum: <SNORK> The White Face is green!
Moon: <grumble, grumble> Jerk.
Odd Narrator: After they crossed a large hogback...
(Silarien)
Hogback: Oi, watch where you're tr...
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Sh! After they crossed a large hogback, they found a hiding spot and awaited the day. However no day came, just a brighter variety of gloom, and a red glare from the East.
Frodo: Is that the sun?
Gollum: Not the Yellow Face... it's red like nasty fire.
Frodo: And we're going that way, right? <points>
Gollum: How did master know?
Frodo: I picked the gloomiest, most depressing direction.
Gollum: Good method. But first we must go to the Crossroads.
Sam: I thought we were avoiding the roads... why would we go there?
Gollum: Smeagol wants to learn to play guitar.
(Russ)
Sam: Ain't you had no sleep yet Mr. Frodo? What time is it, it seems to be getting late?
Frodo: No it isn't. But the day is getting darker and darker instead of lighter. As near as I can tell it's not even time for elevensies yet.
Sam: Well I wonder what it is then? If it's a storm we're going to wish we had brought our galoshes and slickers. It's like my old Gaffer used to always say, If you put your foot in a puddle, it will get wet. Then you'll wish you hadn't!
Frodo: Running out of wry Gafferisms?
Sam: 'Fraid so. It's been a long trip.
(RUMBLE!!!)
Sam: What was that?
Frodo: I don't know, but it's been going on for quite a while now. Sometimes it shakes, sometimes it rattles.
(((RUMBLE!!! RUMBLE!!!)))
Sam: That last one seemed like more of a roll. It sounds kind of familiar though.
Frodo: It could be thunder I suppose.
Sam: Where the hell is Gollum anyway?
(BOOM! SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA! BOOM! SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA)
Frodo: Now that was different. I don't know, there hasn't been hide nor hair of him for hours.
Sam: Well I can't abide him, in fact... What the hell... ?
(BOOM-BA-BOOM! BOOM-BA-BOOM!)
(a large black limo with tinted windows rolls up, a door opens and Gollum gets out wearing a fedora and dark glasses, carrying a guitar case. He shakes hands with the occupant, the door closes and the limo rolls away, the booming fades as it goes)
Frodo: Gollum?
Gollum: 'Sup?
Frodo: I think I should be asking you that.
Gollum: Just lay back and chill little man and let me lay some heavy sounds on you. (opens case, removes guitar and starts to play)
A gypsy woman told my mother
before I was born
"I got a boy child coming
He's gonna be a son of a gun...
Sam: Well I'll be...
Frodo: I guess he was serious.
Sam: Yeah, and he's not half neither. Let's have a snack and then a nap. You know, we might just make it through this after all.
Gollum:
But you know I'm him
Everybody knows I'm him
I'm the Hootchie Cootchie Man...
(Idril)
Frodo: A snack? If it's spam again I think I'll pass. What happened to the Carney food that Faramir promised us?
Sam: It's probably another plot discontinuity. Sometimes I wish we could afford professional screenwriters.
Frodo: Well let's look, there's no telling what we'll find in our packs.
Sam: Ooooh... popcorn and hot dogs!
Frodo: I wonder who's responsible for that?
Sam: I think we're not supposed to ask. The screenwriters have a moratorium on self-insertion.
Frodo: Well thanks, ummm... unnamed screenwriter.
Sam: Alright, peanut M&M's too!
(SilliMarilli)
Gollum: (singing)
Going to the Crossroads
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
My soooooul to rent
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
Going to the Crossroads
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
My soooooul to rent
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
He beat me on the terms and points
(guitar: da daaaah)
But sucker only chaaarged me 5 percent
(guitar: diiii-da, da, da, da...)
Sauron worked his mojo
(guitar: ba-dah, di-da, da, da, da...)
But then he lost his Ring
(guitar: ba-dah, di-da, da, da, da...)
Now his Eye can't find it.
(guitar: ba-dah, di-da, da, da, da...)
And the bluuuuuuues he sings
Going to the Crossroads
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
With two hooobbits on my tail
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
Going to the Crossroads
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
With two hooobbits on my tail
(guitar: bom, ba didaaah, didah, bom ba didaah)
Gonna meet my Shelob mama
(guitar: da daaaah)
You know she gonna rock and wail!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: After they ate, Gollum grew suddenly anxious and put away his guitar.
Gollum: ssss! We must go quickly!
Sam: What happened to the Blues Guy?
Gollum: We had to negotiate, didn't we preciousss. Precious owns 83% of Smeagol's soul already... so we had to take out second mortgage. HE says we can only be Blues Man two hours a day... sssss... tries to cheat us HE does... wicked... ssss... but we says we must also have all day on Saturday, didn't we preciousss... Nobody cheats Smeagol.
Sam: Ooooookay then! Remind me not to ask next time.
Gollum: Rude hobbit, don't ask next time! We must make haste now! Very urgent! Must vamoose!
Odd Narrator: And so the hobbits packed up their packs, donned their hoods and scurried off with Gollum toward the Crossroad. They dodged... wait. Where did they go? <looks carefully> I can usually spot Smeagol but I've lost him too.
Cameraman #1: I've lost them too.
Cameraman #2: I'm supposed to pick them up at this thicket... no sign of them.
Helicopter pilot: None from my angle either.
Director: Frodo! Sam! Where are you? Damn! Now what are we supposed to shoot?
Cameraman #1: Well I'm going to scoot to the Crossroads, they'll probably show up there sooner or later.
Helicopter pilot: I suppose you could shoot this big gloomy cloud until they show up.
Director: Right... an hour's worth of clouds... woo hoo! Oscar material! Is the volcano still going off? We could fill with that.
Helicopter pilot: No... she's quiet.
Cameraman #2: I think I spotted them! [pause] Noooo... well if that was them it was just a glimpse. They're gone again.
Director: Well this sucks. I guess we should shoot the gloomy cloud.
Odd Narrator: Alright, lets see... from the East there spread a huge blanket of gloomy clouds that covered practically the entire sky. [pause] It made everything dark. [pause] Very gloomy. [pause] The clouds were too gloomy to even be fluffy.
Ummm... sorry, that's all I can do on the clouds.
Director: Arg. Oh well. Put on some music then. Does anyone else want a Latte?
[interlude music plays]
[Later]
Cameraman #1: Got em!
Odd Narrator: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Cameraman #1: Wake up! I've got 'em!
Odd Narrator: Oh! Sheesh! Wait... okay, I see.
Finally the trio reached the Crossroads, and Gollum lead them stealthily across and on along the East Road. They gazed with sadness at the defaced statue of a seated king that guarded the intersection. The base of the statue was covered with graffiti and his head had been knocked off and replaced by the head of one of those big creepy "My Size" Barbies.
Sam: "For a good time call Shagma... 555-3232. For a better time call Russ... 1-888-THE-RUNT." What a sad sight!
Frodo: Oh look! The king has a crown again.
Odd Narrator: The original carved head had rolled a little away from the statue and some viney flowers had wrapped around the brow and put forth silver and gold blooms. As the sun set its rays slipped beneath the blanket of clouds and lit the stone head.
Frodo: See! The dark powers can't win forever! Oh... ewww... creepy... It's winking at me!
Sam: Now you're just being paranoid.
King's Head: Heeeey bluuuue eeeeeyeees.
Odd Narrator: With that, Frodo and Sam shrieked and pelted off after Gollum.