IV.6. The Forbidden Pool

(Bridget Chubb)

Faramir: [bends over Frodo's bed] [stares at Frodo]

Frodo: zzzzzz.

Faramir: [leans closer] [keeps staring]

Frodo: zzzzzzzz.

Faramir: [leans over, six inches from Frodo's face] I'm not touching you.

Frodo: zzzzzz.

Faramir: [a bit louder] I'm not touching you.

Frodo: zzzzz.

Faramir: [leans over, an inch from Frodo's ear] Does this bother you? I'm not touching you.

Sam: Begging your pardon, it won't work, sir. He's a narcoleptic.

Faramir: [whirls around] Aaugh! I mean, what say you, young master?

Sam: *sigh* There's only one way to wake him when he's like this. [goes over to Frodo]

Elijah... Elijah... can you hear me? I love you... I know I'm only thirteen and I've never fallen in love before but I just know we're meant for each other! Can't you feel it? Can't you tell that we're destined to be together forever? Please, Elijah, open those beautiful blue eyes..come back to me!

Frodo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGH! [pant pant pant] Help! Noooo! It's the Nazgirls! Sam! Sam, help! Where are you?

Sam: I'm right here, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: [grabs Sam's hand] Oh, Sam! It's the Nazgirls! They're coming! I heard them!

Sam: Um, actually Mr. Frodo...

Frodo: Hold on... was I comatose again?

Sam: Sorry, Mr. Frodo. You know it's the only way to wake you up.

Frodo: *sigh* I know, Sam. Thank you... I guess.

Faramir: Elijah?

Sam: Long story.

Frodo: Anyway... So is it time for breakfast?

Faramir: Um, actually, no...it's about three A.M.

Sam and Frodo: [stare at Faramir]

Sam: And just WHY did we go through all that trouble?

Faramir: The moon is setting. I thought Frodo might like to see it.

Sam and Frodo: [stare at Faramir]

Faramir: Uh... I also wanted to ask Frodo's advice about something.

Frodo: Really? Cool.

Odd Narrator: So Faramir led Frodo out of the room, past the mouth of the cave, and through a dark tunnel. They ignored the "DANGER -- SLIPPERY WHEN WET" sign and went up a long wet stairway. Then they came to a landing with two more sets of stairs

Frodo: Hey... nice skylight.

Faramir: Thanks!

Frodo: [under his breath] I bet Merry would have a few things to say about this place.

Faramir: What?

Frodo: Oh, nothing, never mind.

Odd Narrator: After whispering "eeny, meeny, miney, moe" to himself several times, Faramir led Frodo up the left-hand stair. Sam, meanwhile, had been following along the whole time, somehow completely escaping the notice of the other two.

(Russ)

Odd Narrator: Out of the darkness of the tunnel and onto a wide parapet of stone, flat as the Gaffers head and smooth as a Hobbits behind Faramir led them. To their right the stream of the Heneth Annun thrashed unyieldingly down upon the rocks, relentlessly pounding out smooth channels and bores through which the water ran, shrieking and wailing as it plunged to it's death in the pool far below.

A man stood there, near the brink, silent, bungee cord attached to his back as he gazed down. Beyond him, the vast expanse of Gondor lay before him in all of it's moonlit glory and towering over all, Ered Nimrais, tipped with everlasting snow. Faramir stepped forward shining terrible and fair in the silver light, as one of the great Lords of old he appeared, mighty in wisdom and war. He turned to face the hobbits and they shrank away in fear and awe!

Frodo: The Force is strong in this one!

Sam: Wow, are you a superhero?

Faramir:(fell light blazing from his eyes) BEHOLD! MOONSET OVER GONDOR! SEE FAIR ITHIL AS HE GOES FROM MIDDLE-EARTH, GLANCES. . .

Frodo: Is this what you brought me here for?

Faramir: Huh? (light in eyes fades)

Frodo: The view? Is this what you got me out of bed for and dragged me way up here?

Faramir: Well, I just thought that you might. . .(returns to good old normal hunky Faramir)

Frodo: There had better be another reason for this and you had better make it good!

Faramir: Well, no, I mean yes, no wait, hey Anborn, is it still there?

Anborn: Yeah, can I kill it now?

Faramir: Not yet. What do you think it is? A squirrel? A kingfisher? A horribly altered race of creature that was once Hobbit-like, perhaps even their remote cousin and now long forgotten that was hideously disfigured by some terrible power we can only begin to guess at?

Anborn: Nope, could be a Kingfisher I guess. Can I kill it?

(Frodo steps up to the edge and looks down, Sam follows)

Faramir: What say you Frodo, should we kill it? Is it good to eat? Is it useful for making belts, boots or whips?

Sam: YES! HURRY! DO IT QUICK BEFORE. . .

Anborn: Shooting. . .

Frodo: NO! And Sam, you shut up!

Anborn: I have a clean shot.

Sam: But. . .

Frodo: Shush!

Sam: sigh.

Frodo: You can't kill it Faramir.

Faramir: Why?

Frodo: Gandalf said.

Faramir: Figures. Alright, Anborn, tell the men to stand down. No creature killin' tonight.

Anborn: Oh all right.

Faramir: What is it doing here?

Frodo: There are two answers I think, one, that he was drawn here, lured if you will, by a force that is beyond the reckoning of men and elves.

Faramir: But not that of hobbits?

Frodo: Hey, don't hate me because I'm beautiful AND wise.

Faramir: Oh puhleeeze! This from a short, hairfooted hole-dweller?

Sam: Hey you! Don't knock it till you try it! Besides, it keeps us out of the sun and helps our skin stay a nice silky soft.

Anborn: Really? You know out here in the wilds we have a real problem. . .

Faramir: Anborn!

Anborn: Sorry.

Sam: Don't worry, later we'll talk.

Anborn: Thanks buddy, Hobbits are such a fair spoken folk!

Faramir: ANBORN!

Anborn: Shuttin' up sir.

Faramir: So Frodo, you were speaking about some all encompassing force?

Frodo: Uh, yeah, I mean, no, I will not speak openly of it and all that crap, suffice to say that the creature you see below once bore the very same burden.

Faramir: The hell you say!

Frodo: I know, it sounds weird to me too, but it's true, and what's more, he was my guide before you bagged us.

Faramir: Get the hell out of town!

Frodo: Would I lie?

Faramir: Hmmmmm. Okay, I'll buy it for now, but you said that there were two reasons, what might the second be?

Frodo: I dunno, maybe he's hungry, LOOK!

(Silarien)

Faramir: Fishing! Without a license? That's really death-sentence stuff.

Frodo: No. Let me go down and get him.

Faramir: Well, okay, if you must save your slimy servant. I guess staff are hard to come by around here. Anborn, show him the way.

Odd Narrator: So Anborn lifted up Frodo and slid quietly down the bungee rope.

Frodo: Wheeeeeeeee!

Anborn: Shush [landing quietly behind some bushes] He's just over there.

Odd Narrator: Frodo sneaks quietly closer to Gollum.

(Idril )

Gollum: (singing in a surprisingly melodic voice)

I've been high
I've climbed so high
but life sometimes
it washes over me.

So I dive into a pool so cool and deep that if I sink I sink
and when I swim I fly so high

what I want
what I really want is
just to live my life on high.

and I know
I know you want the same
I can see it in your eyes....

(Silarien)

Gollum: And we wants fissh, nice fissh

Fish: [gasp]

Gollum: Poor lonely Smeagol. Thieves, all of them, hobbits, men. Smeagol feels like Ali Baba.

Fish: Er, we could be buddies. I know a few good jokes ...

Gollum: Fissh, nice fissh [CHOMP] Nourishing, enriched with Omega 3, finger-lickin' good.

Frodo: [quietly] Smeagol!

Fish2: [flapping] Over here, quick!

Gollum: [hiss, munch, munch]

Frodo: Smeagol, I'm trying to save you.

Fish2: And me? What about me?

Gollum: Bad Master, abandoned poor Smeagol for nasty men. Go find your own fissh. Smeagol is dining alone.

Frodo: Pretty please, Smeagol. You can bring the fish with you.

Fish2: Whaaaaaaat?

Gollum: Nope. Smeagol is going to finissh the fisshes righty here.

Frodo: Then Precious will make Smeagol swallow a whole fish sideways on so he looks like Frankenstein with bolts through his neck.

Ring: Yeah! Can I make him swallow a whole load of tires so he looks like a giant caterpillar?

Fish2: Why's everybody trying to save this miserable fish-murderer, and totally ignoring me? I'm considered an upstanding citizen of this pond.

Odd Narrator: Presently, Gollum crawled out of the darkness, with a half-eaten fish in his mouth, and a nearly expired fish in his hand.

(Idril)

Gollum: Good Smeagol comes! Is nice Master all done playing games with Nasty pervy men? Did they sit master in their nasty laps and offer him candy? Sssss... the White Face is gone, let's go!

Frodo: Not quite yet! If you'll come with me for a bit and be good and patient and trust me, I'll give you a treat later.

Gollum: Sss... last time Smeagol heard that line we bought timeshare on nasty bright beach.... didn't we preciousss? Ssssss... What treat?

Frodo: Footrub.

Gollum: The cross rude hobbit gives better footrubs. Where is he?

Frodo: He's up there. I can try to get him to do it, but you might have to settle for me. You must come with me anyway, or Precious will be angry.

Ring: Oh don't even drag me into this... sheesh.

Frodo: Go on, walk this way.

Gollum: Silly master. Smeagol is 500 years old, we can't walk that way... ssss.... OWWW!

Anborn: Gotcha, Rocky!

Gollum: Tricksy Master! Wicked! False! Why does Nasty man call Smeagol "Rocky"?

Frodo: He thinks you're a squirrel.

Gollum: Ssssssss... Smeagol not squirrel, duh! <squirms and tries to bite Anborn>

Anborn: Oh... rabies! Hey stop!

Buntz: (aiming) Freeze scumbag!

[Gollum goes limp]

Frodo: Oh dear! Don't hurt him!

[They carry Smeagol back to the cave]

Sam: Woo hoo! Caught him!

Frodo: Well not exactly. I promised him you'd give him a footrub and he trusted me.

Sam: Shaa! Like I'd give the sneak the time of day.

Frodo: <gives him a big blue-eyed look>

Sam: <mutter> I suppose <mutter> There's no guarantee Faramir won't skin him though... I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Frodo: Yikes... I hope not!

(BunnieBugs)

[A man comes and leads the hobbits to the dark recesses of the cave. Faramir is there, looking remarkably studly, given the time of night.]

Faramir: (motions to stools) Please, sit beside me. Would you care for some wine?

Frodo: Well, we probably should wait until breakfast, but, what the hey!

Sam: Me, too!

Faramir: (to the man) Bring the prisoner to me.

[Anborn carries Gollum in, sets him down and removes the hood from his head. He's slimey, smelly, snivelly, and miserable. In other words: he's Gollum, all right. He still holds a fish in one hand.]

Gollum: Ssss... let us go! The cord hurts uss, it does. And we ain't done nuthin'.

Faramir: Nothing? You mean you've never done anything mean, nasty, underhanded, cruel, mean-spirited, contemptible, vile, sordid, or despicable?

Gollum: Er... What was the second one, again?

Faramir: I'd venture that you deserve worse than binding, but I shall not be your judge on previous matters.

Gollum: (pumps his fist in the air) Yessss!

Faramir: However, tonight you have come where it is death to come.

Gollum: [SQUEAK!]

Faramir: Your life is forfeit because of fish.

Gollum: (drops fish) We doesn't want it, anyway!

Fish 2: Yes! Freedom! Ack, too late... (dies)

(Idril)

Attorney: Now wait just a minute, has Mr. Smeagol been read his rights?

Faramir: No.

Attorney: Well I must object to this questioning then. Smeagol, don't you say a word.

Faramir: Are you this creature's attorney?

Attorney: Well we haven't spoken before, but I feel that I must interject here.

Faramir: Gollum, do you want this man to be your attorney?

Smeagol: Oh yess... nice attorney! Protect me from wicked men and tricksy false master!

Faramir: Alright, where's your ID card?

Attorney: What?

Faramir: Rules are rules. Mablung! Can you make an ID card for Mr. Smeagol's attorney?

Mablung: Yes Captain. This way, Sir.

[they go off toward the curtain window]

Mablung: Okay we need a picture, so stand right... just a little bit to the left... okay there... now smile!

Damrod: <shove>

Attorney: WAAAAAHHH!!!

Mablung: <snaps picture>

[Attorney plunges to his death in the pool below]

Mablung: Alright! I think I got a great shot.

Faramir: Good! Okay, Gollum, where were we?

(merithehobbit)

Secret Beaver Narrator: Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw...check out this slimy dude Odd!

Odd Narrator: I know, I have already narrated quite a bit with that character.

Secret Beaver Narrator: Want some twig to gnaw?

Odd Narrator: Uh, no...got some licorice I'm fine...ahem...After we were interrupted by the Attorney and he was escorted to the most beautiful view before his death, we return to the cave where Frodo and Faramir are discussing the slimy Smeagol.

Faramir: The reason I want to kill you isn't because of the fish! It is because we are in a super secret chamber that no one knows about...

Odd Narrator: I know about it.

Secret Beaver Narrator: Me too.

Faramir: That's because you are employees...OK, just be quiet for a second...no descriptions are necessary for a bit.

Odd Narrator: Fine.

Secret Beaver Narrator: [sucks teeth] Whatever.

Faramir: As I was saying...The only reason you aren't a DEAD, black, tailless, gleamy eyed, scurrying, squirrel-like thing...is because of Frodo here. He thought you should be spared...some attachment issues with Gandalf, but regardless! [glare] You must SATISFY ME!

Gollum: NOOOOOOOOOO! I am not that kind of thing...please, you're such a pretty boy...I don't like pretty ones....

Faramir: EEEEEWWWW!... Oh...that is not... hold on while...I.....[runs over to waterfall and yacks over the side...returning rather green]

Frodo: Gollum do you have to gross out everyone you meet...he just want you to answer questions before he skins you alive. [smirk]

Gollum: [squeak]

Faramir: Okay, [reaching down to a small hidden cabinet in the wall pulls out some papers and some reading glasses] I just want to know your name, where you come from, where are you going, who is your employer [shuffles papers], your HMO or insurance provider, I'll need your student ID, driver's license, some other form of ID, and a social security number or a green card. Then I will have to have you fill out these forms in only those boxes marked with a highlighter [shows forms], and these forms saying that you will never come here, or tell anyone about this secret place ever again, or we will slowly burn each and every bit of your body over a small fire as you watch....[shuffles papers] Oh... and after that we will need to fingerprint you, photo you, and full body cavity search. [looks up over reading glasses] What?

Gollum: Uh...Smeagol doesn't read or write...

Faramir: [whips out a knife and hands it to Frodo]

Gollum: AAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKK! You're going to killsss uss... because we cantsss read? Not fairsss!

Frodo: Sheesh you're so jumpy! I am going to free your slimy selfsssss..[starts to cut bonds] You have to trust me, I'll do your paperwork, as I am educated and know how to read, you'll have to believe me that I will fill out the forms right... you just sign at the bottom...some scrawl that will be your signature...I'll do the rest.

Gollum: Master will fill out formssess...nice Master... we promises Master [crawls under Frodo's chair] He will saves us from the NASSTTY pretty boyssss, Smeagol promisess the Precious...never speak...never, ever...it's yucky and clean here anywaysss...never tell...no precious.

Ring: UUUGGGGH! You have a knife, and he's surrounded...just kill him...it'll make everyone feel so much better. Wasn't it so nice and peaceful there for almost a whole chapter when he was not in it...

Sam: You know, the Ring is right, I felt like a burden was lifted when he was gone... now it is heavier...

Frodo: Shush up you two...and you talking about burdens...have you any idea how annoying it is to fill out forms! They ask the same stuff over and over...I need to think! [shuffles paper and quill][mutters under breath] A relative that lives nearby?...hmmmm.....

Faramir: Frodo, do you take him under your protection then?

Frodo: Yeah, I guess [writing], we go to our Doom anyways...

Sam: [SIGH] I wanted to go to our Doom without him!

Frodo: Stop whining... [whispers to Gollum] Have you ever been hospitalized?

Faramir: Well, Gollum, Smeagol whatever your name is...if you are found on our lands without your master you'll be deader than a Popsicle on a summers day! [turning to Frodo] So Frodo, will he keep his promise?

Frodo: [glaring over piles of paper] He better or I'll toss him in the Cracks of Doom!

Gollum: [SQUEAK!]

(Silarien)

Faramir: There is no open gate into the ... whatsitcalled?

Anborn: Nameless Land.

Frodo: That's why we came this way. Gollum reckons there's a path near Minas Ithil.

Faramir: Minas Mothul.

Anborn: Minas Morgul.

Frodo: Whatever. The path goes all the way up there.

Faramir: So what is the high pass called?

Frodo: Not a clue. I suck at sport's questions.

Faramir: Is it called Cynthia Bignose?

Gollum: [hiss] NO!

Faramir: Cyril's Uncle? No ... hang on ... I think I've got it. Cirith Ungol?

Gollum: Eeek. Never heard of her ... er, him ... er, it. Anyway, what's in a name? A Cirith Ungol by any other name would still be the only way in.

Faramir: And how would you know? Got a satellite photo, or did you just take the guided tour?

Nazgirl Narrator: Faramir gazes deeply into Gollum's eyes. HEY, DO THAT TO MEEEE, PLEEEEASE FARRY BABY!!!!!!!!!! HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA

Odd Narrator: Get off the set, you stupid tart. And wash that muck off your face. Ahem, presently Faramir spoke again.

Faramir: [phew] Take him away, Unborn, and don't let him anywhere near the bungee rope. Go, Smeg, and take your fish.

Gollum: [cringe] Fissh no flappin' fun now. Fissh dead, deceased, defunct, departed, choked, croaked, kaput ......

Odd Narrator: CURTAIN!

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: And the men took Gollum off out of the way someplace. It's a cave, he likes caves, so don't worry about him.

Faramir: Holy crap! Where did you pick up that loser?

Gollum: (from off-camera) I heard that!

Frodo: Long story.

Faramir: He's wicked... and not like "wicked cool" either, just plain old wicked.

Frodo: Well he's got a little wicked cool in him... there was this one time that he... well. He's not all bad.

Faramir: You can still change your mind. I'll put him on a bus to Mirkwood if you want.

Frodo: Naah... he's like a bad penny. He'd be back before the fumes cleared.

Faramir: But you're not going to Cirith Ungol, surely?

Frodo: (rolls eyes) Well I suppose we would go back and try to break down the Black Gate with Sam's head.... unless you have a better suggestion.

Sam: Hey!

Frodo: I was being sarcastic, Sam.

Faramir: Let's see... hmmmmmmm...

Sam: Well I don't like sarcasm aimed at my head.

Frodo: Sorry.

Faramir: Have you thought about using an eagle?

Frodo: What?

Faramir: You could get one of those giant eagles to fly you to Mount Doom, drop the ring in, then back in time for tea.

Frodo: That would be convenient, but how can we get an eagle?

Faramir: Let's see... Gandalf could call them sometimes... but that doesn't help. Hmmmm... I know they're the servants of Manwe.

Frodo: Too bad I used my call already.

Faramir: Oh, I know, I could pray for one. I'll be back in a bit. [goes out to waterfall and prays]

Odd Narrator: Well this is odd.

Frodo: Hey, it's worth a try. Nobody can say no to Faramir.

[they wait]

Eagle: [swoop] Screeeech! [flap flap flap... fading flaps]

Faramir: (reenters curtained area) Hey, great response time! But he just dropped a message. [reads message]

Frodo: Well!

Faramir: Okay, I guess that's it. At least we know we're doing the right thing. Go get some more rest. We'll pack you up some food and you can be on your way.

Sam: I thought you were out of food.

Faramir: We lucked out... discovered a Carney supply wagon. I hope you like popcorn and those marshmallow peanut thingies. I think there's some hot dogs too.

Frodo: No funnel cakes?

Faramir: Just the dry mix.

Sam: How about smoked turkey legs?

Faramir: No, sorry. That's more of a county fair thing.

Frodo: Well throw in a bit of the funnel cake mix... I really like funnel cakes.

Faramir: Consider it done. Good luck and all... maybe when this is all over we can throw back a few and you can tell me the long story about Gollum and the Thing.

Frodo: It's a deal. If I don't die.

Faramir: And if I don't die. Later!