(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: To Sam, it seemed that he had only just managed to get a little shut eye when...
Sam: Wahoo! Faramir's back! And there are more hotties... I mean cute men... [blushing] I mean men. I wonder what is going on with Mr. Frodo and Faramir. Faramir's head is just level with Mr. Frodo's... ACK! Mr. Frodo!
Odd Narrator: Meanwhile...
Ring: Why dontcha come on up and see me some time big fella. [wink]
Sting: [lets out a wolf call] Frodoooo... come on. Stand a little closer to nice man.
Frodo: Am I going to have to separate the two of you?
Ring: Sure. Go right ahead. Just slip me right on Faramir's finger. Aw heck. Just let me dangle for a bit around his neck.
Odd Narrator: Yes, nice man. [blinks a couple of times] Oh, sorry. Where was I? [ruffles through pages of script] Okay, Okay. I've found my spot again. [clears throat and begins anew] Sam runs up to the circle of men.
Sam: Pretty, pretty grey eyes. So hypnotic, so... [slaps himself] Get a hold of yourself Gamgee. [shakes his head] No sir, I don't like the way he's looking poor Mr. Frodo up and down. It's like he's undressing him with his eyes.
Faramir's Eyes: We are not! Sheesh!
(pippin1986)
Frodo: What do you want with us?
Faramir: Well, about that Barmaid...
Frodo: SAM!
Sam: I'm sorry Mister Frodo, he dragged it out of me!
Frodo: All he did was LOOK at you!
Faramir: Oh that was easy-didn't you ever notice the sign Sam glued to his forehead that says "Ask me about the Barmaid"?
Frodo: (glare at Sam) (cough) Let's just forget about the Barmaid a while, shall we?
Faramir: I'll forget about it on the condition that you tell me everything else I want to know. (whisper to Sam) Tell me everything later on, okay? (to Frodo) Alrighty then? Sooooo (rubs hands together) what shall we talk about?
Frodo: Well, we could talk about a lot of things. Like where do you get those cool looking pajama-like clothes that go under your armor? Boromir had some that were red and looked like they had little boats on them, and I dearly want some- (is cut off by Faramir)
Faramir: You knew of Boromir's pajamas?
Frodo: Well, um, yes, I did. And what is it to you?
Faramir: Alas, I knew also of those pajamas. I knew them well.
(merithehobbit)
Faramir: So if you knew of those pajamas, then you know that Boromir was trying to discover Isildur's Bane?
Frodo: Uh... Well, he did have a little poem embroidered on the pockets... ?
Faramir: Say... the coming of the halfling was part of the riddle we were trying to solve... do you know of this bane? Do you have it hidden?
Frodo: Uh... well, it isn't really mine.
Ring: BWAHAHAHAA! Frodo, sweetie... I get so HOT when you tease! Of course I am yours...
Faramir: [to guard] Did you hear something?
Ring: Faramir... pretty boy... snicker
Faramir: There... I heard it again.
Frodo: I can't really talk about it... but it is messing with you... [under breath] because it's evil! Now sh!
Ring: Ooooh... talk dirty to me some more [snicker]
Frodo: [ignoring Ring's comments] Like I said... not really mine. I guess if anyone could claim it that would be Aragorn, son of Arathorn who I already told you about... dirty scruffy kind of guy... lead us from Moria to Rauros.
Faramir: Why can't Boromir claim this thing? He's a dirty scruffy sort of guy too.
Frodo: Hate to break it to you Faramir... but Boromir can't hold a candle to Aragorn when it comes to dirty and scruffy... well, and the fact that if you did hold a candle up to Aragorn he'd probably ignite because of the grease in his hair... you could've wrung the grease from Aragorn's hair and sold it to Jiffy Lube.
Faramir: Huh?
Frodo: Oh... a store that greases up cart axles... that sort of thing.
Faramir: Oh... [snicker] That's pretty greasy...
Frodo: Sorry but Boromir was just an heir to a stewardship, Aragorn is heir to Isildur Elendil's son... he's kinda gonna be your king someday. Even has the magic sword and everything.
All the men: Oh... whoa... The sword of Elendil comes to Minas Tirith? Perty awesome!
Faramir: Cheaaw right! We'll see about that... people are always claiming to have the hair of Elendil.
Frodo: Uh... [snicker] Well, it is true... If Boromir were here he'd tell you, he knows all about my little mission, and everyone who knows Aragorn will tell you he is far and away more scruffy than anyone in Gondor. He will probably beat you to Minas Tirith and you can ask him then.
Faramir: [chortle] So... you think I should just mind my own business and run along?
Frodo: Well... yeah!
Sam: You tell him Mr. Frodo!
Faramir: So, were you a friend to Boromir?
Frodo: [shifts uneasily] Uh... sure. He was a good fighter, really liked his horn, had a nice sneering way of talking about his country... and was a good sword play teacher, and wrestler... that was fun...
Faramir: He was a great wrestler... for some reason he really liked those one piece suits they wrestle in... he said they emphasized his... oh... sorry... continue.
Frodo: Thanks... well that was about it... Oh! And uh... well, he did hog the best pieces of meat at dinner, but that could be something that only hobbit's begrudge.
Faramir: No... I hated that too... the big pig. So would it be any big deal to learn that Boromir is dead?
Frodo: Dead? That sure would be a big relie... [looks at Faramir] I mean... that would be VERY sad. [looks up with big puppy dog eyes] Are you just lying and talking around me to catch me... HEY... are you a lawyer?
Faramir: Well, yes... but I am not using my cross examination skills to trap you... this time... and I don't lie... even to Orcs... but that's another story.
Frodo: Well then, how did he die... how did you know about it, since you said earlier that none of our Fellowship had showed up at Minas Tirith?
Faramir: Catching on... good show... you could be good at the law.
Frodo: You are just dancing around my question now.
Faramir: Well, I was hoping you, as a so called friend of Boromir could tell me more of his fate.
Frodo: No... He was alive and well, and STRONG... yes... VERY strong and even quite animated when we parted ways. Even had leaves in his hair... maybe he was trying to get more scruffy looking... hmmm... though, there were a lot of Orcs running around that day, but I split. Uh... surely there are many perils in the world that could've nailed him...
Faramir: Oh yeah... and treachery not the least.
Sam: HEY! Even I got that snide remark. Mr. Frodo... don't let this slick talking, hottie boy here talk to you like that. He may be attractive but he is insinuating something here... aren't you pretty boy?
(Thranduilion)
Faramir: I cannot lie to you, Samwise Gamgee, for reasons that I may explain to you once I know you a little better - it's a funny story actually, see this one time, Bor-
Sam: [glare]
Faramir: -but that is a story for another time! Where was I?
Sam: Insinuating.
Faramir: Ah, yes.
Odd Narrator: Before Pretty Boy could get out another sentence, the angered hobbit planted his feet firmly in the ground to face him.
Various coneys hiding in the bushes nearby: Oooh, he's so MASTERFUL! [giggle]
Sam: You just stop your insinuating right now, Mr. Faramir, cause I just can stand insinuatin' from anyone, and we don't have to take that, we don't! No insinuating, no outsinuating, no insinuation, neither! No siree bob, nobody gets away with insin-
Frodo [whispering]: Um, Sam?
Sam [whispering]: Yes, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: What are you doing?
Sam: Improvising on a theme?
All the men: [snicker]
Faramir: Sit down. I was talking to Frodo, whose wit is sharper than yours.
Sam's Wit: Hey! [flop] Oh, golly, guess he's right, better go find a sharpening stone. [flop flop flop]
Faramir: Now I've got my train of thought back, Frodo, I should tell you something about who the dearly departed Boromir and his horn were to me.
Frodo: He was your lover?
Faramir: NO! Ick! [shudder] He did have a great horn, though.
Frodo: Um, he was your father?
Faramir: [CHORTLE] That's a good one! No, my father gave him the horn.
Frodo: The son of your Steward?
Faramir: N- well, yes. But also my brother. Got the horn instead of me because he was older, you see.
Frodo: Oh.
Odd Narrator: Lost in thought, a shadow of sorrow passed over Faramir's face.
Shadow of Sorrow: [pass][lost in thought] Hey, nice face I'm passing over!
Odd Narrator: Oh sorry, grammar trouble.
Faramir: I have one more question about Boromir the horn-carrier before this scene gets so long people stop reading it-
Disembodied Voices: TOO LATE!
Faramir: Frodo, my brother carried an identifying object around with him. Can you or can you not name this object?
Frodo: Um,
Faramir: [taptaptap]
Frodo: Well, gee, his HORN?!
Faramir:[stops suddenly] Well, yes.
Frodo: [rolls eyes]
Faramir: I suppose that proves you knew him after all. [deep sigh] Now, eleven days ago I saw, or seemed to see, a boat floating on the water of the Anduin and lying in it, dead, was my [SOB] brother [HIC]!
Oh Boromir, bro-mine,
Where now has your horn got to?
Where is your uni and where your pajamas?
The ones with the little duckies all on them?
O Boromir, bro-mine,
When again will we wrestle?
When again will you put salt in my tea?
My tears are now the only salt for my tea.
O Boromir, bro-mine,
You could have been the Steward
And pretend to be King just like Daddy did.
But you had to go and get yourself slaughtered.
Typical.
Faramir: [faraway look in his eyes] But the horn, alas, was not there in the boat. Though a strange book lay by his side, which was doubly odd, because he never was much of a reader.
Frodo: [stares open-mouthed, then recovers] Ah. Yes, the book, that would be a gift from the Lady of the Wood. He was kind of bitter about it.
(Russ)
Frodo: (continuing) It was she who clothed us as we are now. This brooch is of the same workmanship.
Brooch: 'sup.
Other Brooch: Shush!
Brooch: Y U shush me?
Other Brooch: U kan't for to speak! U jewelry!
Brooch: Me bad! Ok, shushing now.
Faramir: (examining brooch) Hmmm, Hand made in Taiwan. Taiwan?
Frodo: It's a um...suburb of Lorien. VERRRRRY exclusive!
Faramir: So you passed through the land of Lorien did you? RollininaDelorian was it's name of old, but now we just call it The Big ol' Scary Forest. We don't go there anymore.
Frodo: Why?
Faramir: Because it's big and scary.
Frodo: Makes sense.
Faramir: It really hurts to think that Boromir died within sight of his home. Can you tell me more?
Frodo: No.
Faramir: No?
Frodo: No.
Faramir: Not even a little?
Frodo: NO.
Faramir: Okay Mabs, you can kill him now.
Mablung: Sooooweeet!
Frodo: Y'know, now that I have had a chance to think it over, I might be able to speak a little more of it.
Mablung: Shoot!
Faramir: Okay shortstuff, what can you tell me? And make it good, we've not yet eaten hairfoot, but I hear that it is a delicacy in China.
Frodo: Well, I think you might have been hallucinating when you saw him in the boat.
Faramir: No way!
Frodo: Had you been drinking?
Faramir: Well, maybe a little, but...
Frodo: Smoke any Longbottom?
Faramir: No.
Frodo: Faramirrrrr ...
Faramir: Well, maybe just a puff or two, but I swear I didn't inhale!
Sam: Well that's a load of hooie and no mistake!
Faramir: So what's your point Frodo?
Frodo: Dude, you were stoned out of your mind! Either that or it was some foul trick of the enemy.
Faramir: But the enemy's work fill one with grief and sadness and when I saw my brother I was filled with...
Frodo: Yes?
Faramir: You may have a point.
Frodo: Thank you. Besides, how could his boat have floated over the great, roaring Rauros without sinking?
Faramir: You didn't say that you had boats.
Frodo: Sorry, the lady gave them to us when we left The Big Scary Wood. They were Elven boats.
Faramir: Well HELLLLO! You got the boats from the Lady of the wood and YOU ask ME if they could have made it down the river? Were you paying any attention at all when you were in Lorien? Sheesh!
Frodo: Well I...
Faramir: Oh Boromir, Boromir! Why ever did you go to the Big Scary Wood instead of coming straight home like Daddy told you to! Woe is me, woe is me!
Odd Gondor Archer: -whisper-whisper-next in line-whisper-whisper-ol man kicks the bucket-whisper-whisper-steward of Gondor-whisper-whisper-whisper.
Faramir: Why thank you Maotsetung, I feel better already.
Frodo: So I guess we're finished here then? Well then, we'll just be on our...
Faramir: Oh you're not getting off this easy. There are still more questions that I have for you, but to prove to you my vision was no dream, the horn of Boromir has been found!
Frodo: Did you check it for prints?
Faramir: DAMN IT! I knew I forgot something.
Frodo: Maybe he just dropped it?
Faramir: And onto a razor sharp blade. It was cut in two, neat as you please.
Frodo: That's a bad sign.
Faramir: Ya think? Oh well, strange chances, but murder will out, or so 'tis said.
Frodo: Really? I've never heard that one.
Faramir: Oh yeah, we say it all the time.
(Idril)
Faramir: Alas, and now Boromir's horn of Gondor lies in pieces on the lap of Lord Denethor. And man, is he in a pissy mood about it. Can you tell me nothing of its cleaving?
Frodo: 'fraid not. Wish I could help ya. But if what you say is true, I fear that the horns of my other companions were also cloven. Alas! Are the two of us the last survivors of our company? It may be so. Oh Captain, I beg you to let us continue our hopeless, doomed journey so that we too may die honorably.
Sam: Uhhh Mr Frodo? <sigh> Never mind.
Faramir: Your companions all had horns?
Frodo: I was speaking metaphorically.
Faramir: Ah! Gotcha. Their (finger quote) "horns." (snork) That's cute. Well I'm sure one or two still survived. It would have taken a couple of men to heave Boromir into that boat, and I'm thinking the orcs wouldn't have bothered. So probably some survived... the big ones anyway. Of course your kinfolk probably died. You know how battles go, seems like the enemy always picks on the little guys, the bastids. Oh... hey, don't cry. Sheesh!
Frodo :(crying) I'm not crying!
Faramir: Well anyway, you're obviously a nice person and all, and I love the Elvis hair. But I'm supposed to kill any strangers or take them back to Minas Tirith for "questioning" (shudder). Pop's totally strict about that rule. Hmmmm... you'd better come with us so I can think about what to do. Alright, SADDLE UP!
Odd Narrator: And with that the guards grabbed the hobbits roughly and shoved them along the path to the South. Then, after Sam fell down, they helped him up and apologized profusely. They were just fooling around, post-battle jitters and all. Damrod put a nice X-Men Bandage on Sam's scraped knee, and Sam muttered a bit, but Damrod looked so earnest that he had to forgive them. As they walked along the guards fell back a bit and Faramir quietly talked with Frodo
Faramir: Ugh, I hate all this questioning stuff. War sucks. I suppose I shouldn't have asked about Isildur's Bane right out in front of everybody. Sorry about that.
Frodo: That's okay, at least you didn't ask anything I'd have to lie about.
Faramir: Buds? (holds out fist)
Frodo: Buds! (smacks his fist on top of Faramir's)
Faramir: I'm thinking you weren't great buds with Boromir, though. Now he's... <sigh> he was a great guy and all but sometimes he can be... I mean could be... ummm... how you say...
Sam: Obstinate?
Frodo: Overbearing?
Faramir: No...
Sam: Willful?
Frodo: Reckless?
Faramir: Not exactly...
Frodo: Psychotic?
Faramir: Well...
Sam: A butt?
Faramir: Ding ding ding! Yeah, I'm thinking that this Isildur's Bane was something important... like an heirloom or a weapon or something... and there might have been some contention between the members of your Company ... like there were two groups and one group wanted...
Frodo: <shakes head>
Faramir: ... or maybe just Boromir wanted...
Frodo: <nods>
Faramir: ... so maybe Boromir kept arguing to bring the thing to Minas Tirith and got frustrated when nobody would listen to his side...
Frodo: <shakes head>
Faramir: ... so he got frustrated and nobody could listen to his side because all he did was mutter to himself...
Frodo: <nods head>
Faramir: ... and finally he got fed up and insisted that Aragorn bring the thing...
Frodo: <shakes head>
Faramir: ... insisted that the company give him the thing...
Frodo: <shakes head>
Faramir: (downcast) ... and finally he got fed up... went whacko and mugged you... ?
Frodo: <nods head>
Faramir: <SIGH> Well at least he died well... I mean he died doing something good. When I saw his face he looked all peaceful... not with that scowly expression he gets when he's being a butt. <SNIFFLE>
Frodo: <reaches out to pat Faramir on the back... realizes he's too tall... then realizes the only conveniently reachable body part is Faramir's rather shapely butt... then folds arms> <SIGH>
Faramir: Well, I think I know what Isildur's Bane is... can't help being curious since it FREAKIN' KILLED MY BROTHER.
Ring: Hey! I never!! I have an alibi!
Faramir: (recovering) You see, the Grey Pilgrim was always poking around in the library looking for stuff on Isildur, ever since I was a little kid. Man, he's the coolest; he's got this staff that he can use to light candles and stuff with... although sometimes he goes a little overboard and WHOOSH... <chuckle> Anyway, I've always tried to hang out with him when he visits... and I've picked a few things up, though he's one tough nut to crack. You know, I've never known anybody else to have that many names: Grey Pilgrim, Mithrandir, Olorin... and what's that other one? Starts with a G?
Frodo: You mean Gandalf?
Faramir: Yeah! That's it!
Frodo: Oh... ummmm... he was a member of our Company. He's dead. I'm pretty sure. He fell down an abyss with a Balrog in Moria.
Faramir: ARRRGGHH! NOOO! You killed Gandalf too?
Ring: Hey, it wasn't MY fault!
Frodo: Hey, it wasn't MY fault!
Faramir: Okay! Take a breath! Fudge! Sorry. <rubs eyes> Sweet Eru, that sucks.
Frodo: Tell me about it.
Ring: Oh all right! I'll take credit for both kills if you insist... <snicker>
Frodo: Sh!
Faramir: Anyway... wait. You don't *happen* know of anyone else whom I love and admire that's died a horrible bloody death lately, do you?
Frodo: None. I swear.
Faramir: Okay, just checking. Anyway, I've looked into the Isildur question a bit myself, and my theory is that after the battle at Mt. Doom, he took somewhat from the hand of the enemy. No, don't nod or shake... I don't want to know. But from what I've learned of this thing, it's bad news. I wouldn't take it even if it came free in a Burger King Kid's Meal. If we had this in Minas Tirith, everything would go to hell. It would turn us into tyrants, and totally crush our small-but-vocal Democratic Reform party. I'd rather see Minas Tirith fall than go that route. Best of all would be for us to win without such "heirlooms"... and restore the city to it's former beauty and glory... and *finally* get something done besides fighting these stupid servants of the Unnamed. But that's all wishful thinking, I suppose. Well anyway, trust me... I'll help you on your quest. Even if it's doomed.
Frodo: <SIGH>
Faramir: <SIGH>
Sam: <mutter>
Frodo: <SIGH>
Faramir: <SIGH>
Sam: <mutter... Stinker... mutter>
Odd Narrator: The gloomy crew continued for about 10 miles or so until they came to a large yellow sign that read "AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY".
Faramir: I'm afraid we're going to have to put blindfolds on. We're almost to our top secret hiding place and we have strict security procedures.
Frodo: Umm... do you think a big sign is a good idea for a secret hiding place?
Faramir: Oh yes, you see when the servants of the Unnamed see it, they know that they should keep out.
Frodo: And that works?
Faramir: Wonderfully! Now I hate to be discourteous, but rules are rules.
[The puzzled hobbits watch as Faramir and the guards put blindfolds on.]
Faramir: Actually, I'm glad you are here to help guide us. It usually takes us FOREVER to get to the cave with these stupid things on.
Frodo: The elves did the same in the Golden Wood. However they didn't blindfold themselves, just the strangers.
Faramir: What was that?
Frodo: I said the elves blindfolded us and they went without blindfolds.
Damrod: (muttering) Told ya.
Faramir: Hey. You know, that makes a lot more sense! Maybe I read the rule wrong?
Mablung: Ya think?
Faramir: Okay, we'll use the elvish method this time.
Odd Narrator: The relieved guards quickly blindfolded the hobbits and spun them around a few times, then led them along a path near the water. Sam was a little worried, but Faramir gave strict "no fooling around" orders and the guards more-or-less obeyed. (Although they did sneak in one "kiss my ring" trick while Faramir wasn't looking.)
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: They path climbed upwards, and the noise of the stream faded. Then the men picked the hobbits up and carried them down many steps.
Sam: Whoa! Airborne! Do you guys really have to carry us?
Mablung: Yeah, sorry. Danged escalator is on the fritz again.
Frodo: Relax, Sam, it isn't so bad. At least it gives our feet a chance to rest.
Sam: But does he have to carry me over his head?
Mablung: It's much more manly this way. But, if you prefer, I could cradle you like a baby...
Sam: Please! That sounds lovely.
Frodo: Ooh, me too, please!
Mablung and Damrod: (sigh)
Damrod: Thanks, Mablung! Geez, this is so humiliating...
Odd Narrator: So the hobbits, cradled like babies in the Rangers' arms...
[Sam and Frodo sigh contentedly]
Odd Narrator: ... were carried down and around a corner. Suddenly the sound of water was loud again, and they felt a mist on their cheeks.
Frodo: Mmm, that's refreshing...
Sam: Got to agree with you there. Almost feels like it's starting to rain... um, it's coming down harder... Aack! (splutter, splutter)
Frodo: (splash, splutter) Hey, what are you trying to do? Drown us?
Odd Narrator: As suddenly as it had started, the deluge ended, and the hobbits were set on their feet again. No one said a word.
Frodo: Umm... anyone there? Helloo-oo...
[silence]
Sam: Uh, guys? I'd really like to take off this wet blindfold.
[silence]
Frodo: C'mon... this is really creepy!
Sam: (whimper) Mr. Frodo... I need a hug...
Frodo: (softly) I would, Sam, but I can't see a #%$&@& thing...
[silence]
Faramir: BOO!
[The hobbits jump with fright and sprawl on their backs.]
Faramir and his men: BWAA HAA HAAA!
Frodo: Cripes! I was starting to think you'd gone off and left us.
Faramir: (chuckles) Sorry. Just a little hazing thing we do. Helps keep morale up. Okay, guys, let them see!
Sam: (mutters sarcastically) Oh, you're too kind...
Odd Narrator: The hobbits stood on a floor of polished stone, with a dark doorway behind them. But when they looked before them, they could see they were behind a waterfall, with the light of the setting sun glittering through it like many-colored jewels.
Hobbits: (gasp! blink!)
Sam: Ooh, look, Mr. Frodo! Rainbow Fairies!
Frodo: Rainbow who?
Sam: When I was a youngster, me mum used to call those little rainbow reflections 'Rainbow Fairies.' I used to try and catch them...
Frodo: (smiles) And did you ever manage it?
Sam: Oh, I used to think so, sometimes.
Frodo: You never mentioned before that you liked to chase fairies... (snicker)
Sam: Well, I was younger then... Hey! Just what are you implying?
Frodo: (snork!) Oh, relax, my friend. I'm just messin' with ya! (gives Sam noogies)
Sam: Yow! (laughs) Knock it off! (starts pushing Frodo toward the waterfall) Maybe I'll let the fairies catch YOU!
Frodo: (laughing) No, no! Sam!
[Suddenly Frodo realizes that all the men are staring at them.]
Frodo: Uh, Sam... (Sam stops pushing) Ahem. Heh, heh! Yes. Well. It's been a long day, hasn't it?
Sam: Yes. Long day. (pause) Yep.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Faramir led the hobbits to a corner and the men brought them a low bed to lie on.
Mablung: Here ya go, a nice low bed for you.
Damrod: The legs were gnawed off by a beaver over the winter break.
Mablung: [whispering] Don't tell them that... they'll think we have problems with our security...
Damrod: Uh... Oh... Uh... well, it was one of our professional beavers... under contract with us... to do general gnawing... sharpening... damming... this particular beaver is our "watch beaver" who does light janitorial work and patrols these secret halls while we are out being tough dudes! [smiles proudly]
Frodo: Well, it is very nice to have a bed one can sit on and actually touch the floor with one's feet. [sigh] reminds me of home. [stretches out on bed] And nice sheets... Sateen? It is soft and snuggly... mmmmm.
(SigEpMJS)
Sam: So, is it naked time now?
Faramir: Uh, excuse me?
Frodo: (nudging Sam) Psst, Pippin does naked time, not you!
Sam: But Mr. Frodo, all the way from the Black Gate, when Gollum wasn't around...
[Frodo elbows Sam even harder]
Sam: Ouch sir! That hurts! What was that for?
Frodo: Sam, ixnay on the akednay imetay!!
Sam: Uh, Mr Frodo, I don't speak Elvish
Frodo: QUIT TALKING ABOUT NAKED TIME!!!!
Sam: Oh, right sir... sorry
Faramir: Riiight, well it's naptime anyway... or something. Do you want a curtain around your area maybe?
Frodo: No, we're fine.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The men rolled their eyes and went off to get busy... er... busy themselves re-decorating the main room.
Mablung: I think we should use the checked tablecloths... they're so summery... remind me of picnics...
Damrod: No... the ones with the little duckies on them... in honor of Boromir... he loved those.
Faramir: [Sigh] Boromir... [wipes eyes] Definitely Duckies... as we have no black ones for mourning...
Mablung: Well, we do have that black set, but they also have the red flaming eyeball pattern on them, it kind of creeps out guests, you know, being so near Mordor and all... usually use it for scary parties...
Faramir: No... [shudder] Duckies it is!... Besides, the duckies really make the place look light and cheery... Boromir would've liked that... Mablung, get out the wooden plates... we don't want to seem too haughty now.
Odd Narrator: Off on their little bed Sam whispers suspiciously to Frodo.
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, I don't trust these guys yet, I mean they are worried about tablecloths... now that is odd... don't you think... Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sam: Well, you can sleep, I the brave and valiant Sam will keep guard... I could hold them off, well if I can ward off sleep that is.
Odd Narrator: Sam struggled to stay awake, while Frodo slept peacefully, smiling and making funny little noises and even having the occasional twitch. Sam kept himself busy by straining to hear the conversations of their hosts.
Sam's Ears: [strain]
Faramir: Hey there Mabrod, how was the pursuit of the Carnies?
Mabrod: Well, it went OK... Damlung skinned his knee though.
Damlung: [shoves Mabrod] Did not you dweeb... knocked it on an Orc spear as we were chasing carnies.
Faramir: Did any Carnies get away?
Logblag: [picking nose] Well, we kilt a bunch of creepy ones before the big hill, but no one knows what happent to the big grey feller.
Faramir: [looks disgusted... glances at Sam] Here's a hanky... could you pretend to be a bit civil? We have guests to impress.
Logblag: [grabs hanky... looks at a nauseated but droopy Sam] Oh... sorry boss, fergot... [honk]
Faramir: Good, good... oh [looks up at another man newly arrived, and wearing a greenish brown shirt with a scarf about his neck.] About time Friglegg... what'd you find out?
Odd Narrator: Sam looked over to see a small group of young teen boys all wearing matching shirts and scarves, milling around the entrance.
Friglegg: Well, me and the scouts couldn't see any more action with the carnies... a course it is getting dark now, and we left our night vision goggles here. I figured we'd put them to work in the kitchen washing dishes... it's always good for teen boys to learn more discipline... [smirk]
Faramir: Yes... quite right [snerf] [whispers] Don't you just love being scoutmaster?
Friglegg: Well, aside from the moaning and complaining... um... yeah.
Faramir: [looking at the straining to hear Sam, who was just jostled back awake after having his chin fall off his hands] Well, sure, that's fine... don't want to bring out fancy equipment without need.
Friglegg: Huh?
Faramir: The night goggles... [annoyed] Just get those scouts in the kitchen... I think they have potatoes to peal.
Friglegg: Ooooh... great! [hollering at boys] C'mon scouts... KITCHEN!
Odd Narrator: As the scouts filed past the duckie tablecloth covered hall yet another member of the company arrived.
Faramir: Oh... Anborn? I was wondering when you'd get here.
Anborn: Well, at first I forgot about the change in "blindfold rules", but then I remembered and things got quicker again.
Faramir: I know, it is confusing... any news?
Anborn: Well, not really [starts moving his boot around the floor] No Orcs anyway...
Faramir: Anborn... what are you hiding... c'mon... I know you have something to say...
Anborn: Well, it was getting dark, and my contacts, well, they've been hazy with the Spring coming on... pollen and all... but...
Faramir: Out with it...
Anborn: I think I saw a squirrel.
Sam's Ears: [perk]
Faramir: [snork] A squirrel?
Anborn: Well, it might have been a big squirrel... with no tail... and big gleamy eyes...
Faramir: What?
Anborn: Well, maybe a black squirrel... maybe from Mirkwood... they got weird squirrels there...
Faramir: If it was big, and had big eyes, and no tail, why do you think it was a squirrel?
Anborn: [biting his nails] Well, it kind of scurried... you know... from tree to tree... I could've shot it with an arrow, but being as you told us not to kill squirrels for sport... I just watched...
Faramir: AND...
Anborn: It hissed.
Faramir: [glance at Sam, and turning his back to Sam... lowering his voice] OK... so you saw a big, black, tailless, gleamy eyed, scurrying, hissing thing, and you think it is a squirrel?
Anborn: Hey... I am not a zoologist... I just shoot stuff... It could've been from Mirkwood, I am tellin ya... they got weird stuff there.
Faramir: Well, that would just suck big time if our pretty forest gets infested with big, black, tailless, gleamy eyed, scurrying, hissing squirrels... [rolls his eyes] Go wash up, you smell like dirt.
(BunnieBugs and Idril)
Odd Narrator: Men were filling large basins with water from the falls, and others were washing their hands in them.
Friglegg: (to the hobbits as he presents a basin of water) Wakey, wakey! It's time to clean up for dinner.
Sam: (surprised) You're waiting on me?
Friglegg: Well... yeah.
Sam: Did you hear that, Mr. Frodo? I'm being waited on! (giggles)
Frodo: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sam: (sigh) Okay. Say, could you set that thing down where I can reach it?
Friglegg: Sure thing. (sets basin down)
Sam: Time to wake up, Mr. Frodo! C'mon, here we go!
Friglegg: Is it the custom in your country to dunk your master's head under the water before supper?
Frodo: Blub Blub.
Sam: No, I usually dunk him in the morning, but our schedule's all out of whack with being on the night shift and all.
Frodo: (waking up) <GASP> What? (shaking water out of his hair) Time for supper?
Sam: Yes Mr. Frodo, after a bit of a wash.
[Sam proceeds to disrobe]
Frodo: (whispers) Sam! What are you doing?
Sam: Beggin' your pardon, sir, but you remember the marshes?
Frodo: Yeah...
Sam: The smell, the reek, the stench...
Frodo: (getting uncomfortable) Yeah...
Sam: And all the sweating we've been doing? And the mud and grime?
Frodo: Gad, now you're preaching to the choir... (starts to undress)
Sam: (to the stunned men who are gawking at them) DO YOU MIND?
Men: (mumble, mumble) No... (they turn away)
Frodo and Sam: COWABUNGA! [splash!]
Frodo: Pass the strawberry soap, will ya?
(Idril)
[In the bath]
Frodo: Please?
Sam: Mr Frodo, do I have to? I feel weird doing that with all these men around.
Frodo: Do it under the water, c'mon.
Sam: <sigh> Alright... I suppose.
Frodo: OH! That feels SO good... oooooooooh!
Sam: (blushing) Shh! You're attracting attention.
Frodo: (more quietly) Sorry, Oh! But don't stop! Just like that! <MOAN>
Sam: I will stop if you don't quiet down. C'mon!
Frodo: (really quiet) <SIGH> Yesssss... oh yesss! Okay, okay... that's good.
Sam: (rinsing out the scrub brush and re-soaping it) Alright then, gimme your other foot.
(SigEpMJS)
Faramir: Uhhhh.... Knock Knock! So... are you guys hungry?
Frodo: We've been wandering around in the wilderness for weeks on end... yeah we're hungry!
Faramir: Right, dinner in half an hour
[A large dark shape falls past the waterfall window]
Voice from outside: WAAAAHOOOO!!!
F&S: What was THAT??
Faramir: (angrily) That was one of the men bungee jumping from the top of the falls!
[Faramir goes over to the window and leans out]
Faramir: (yelling) MANTHING!!! You know there's no bungee jumping before dinner!
Manthing: Yes Captain Faramir, sorry sir.
Faramir: Just for that, you're doin ALL the dishes tonight.
Manthing: Aw, crap! (unhooking himself from the bungee cord and sulking off)
Faramir: So where were we? Ah yes, dinner.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Finally everything was all ready and the hobbits rolled up their sleeves, sharpened their knives and prepared to dig in. First the men and Faramir stood and looked to the West for a moment of silence.
Faramir: Thus is our custom, to look toward Numenor, Elvenhome and Valinor, because all the good things are in the West, and the East sucks big time. Do you have any such custom in your country?
Frodo: No, but after we eat it is our custom to belch loudly or rip a big one to amuse our host and as a compliment to the food.
Faramir: And that we do also. Now enjoy the hospitality of our people, and please! Eat as much as you like, for I know you've suffered much deprivation on your long journey.
Odd Narrator: Then they sat down to eat... and eat... and eat. At first the men were amused at the appetites of the hungry hobbits... then as Frodo and Sam reached for their sixth serving they realized they might ought to prepare more food.
(BunnieBugs)
Faramir: These hobbits surely have a hearty appet... OW! That was my hand!
Sam: (with his mouth full) Thorry. Prob'ly besht to keep it off the table...
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: It took eighteen servings to clean out every scrap of conceivably edible material in the cave, and two emergency foraging parties with NVGs were sent out with instructions to bring back *anything* they could find. Luckily, the heat-sensitive NVG's made it possible for one of the parties to locate the recently departed Mamuk. The men hauled it back to the cave while the hobbits were enjoying the birthday cake Damrod's Mom had sent him from Lossarnach.
Damrod: <whimper>
Odd Narrator: Luckily Frodo and Sam found Mamuk tar-tar to their taste, as the men had run out of firewood at around serving twenty-two. Soon nothing was left of the huge beast except for tusks, bones, a large grey hide and a pile of icky entrails.
Sam: BELCH! See Mr. Frodo, I told ya oliphaunts were wondrous creatures.
Frodo: BELCH! Indeed! I'm stuffed!
Mablung: <GAPE>
Damrod: My cake! <SOB>
Mabrod: <GAPE>
Damlung: <GAPE> <relieved that he finished off his own birthday cake yesterday>
Logblag: <GAPE> <Picks Nose>
Friglegg: <GAPE>
Scouts: <Group GAPE>
Plump Juicy Little Scout: <HIDE> <COWER>
Manthing: <GAPE> <wonders if hobbits can surf>
Maotsetung: <GAPE>
Anborn: <GAPE> <wonders if squirrels are carnivorous>
Faramir: <GAPES Adorably>
Others: <GAPE>
Frodo: <looks at everyone staring> WHAT? Do I have something in my teeth?
Faramir: Ummm... no... but if you did we could carve you a toothpick.
(aneya26)
Faramir: Wow! You guys really packed it away! You're worse than Oprah at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet just after finishing a five day crash diet.
Sam: Huh?
Frodo: Who?
Faramir: Anyway, after a good bit of meat, a nap is always nice.
Pippin: [Out in the wild, in a field far, far away] SNORK! He said meat!
Faramir: Well, I guess you guys would like to hit the sack.
Sam: [Burrriiipppp. Toot. Toot.] Awwww! Yeah, I'd like a bit of some shut eye right about now. I couldn't sleep a wink that last time. [whispers to Frodo] I had this sinking feeling that some of those scouts were eyeing my bum.
Frodo: Come on, Sam. Don't be so self-centered. Besides, I think you are quite safe now considering the toxic fumes you are producing. There's practically a green haze surrounding you!
Sam: Oh really! And what about you?
Frodo: [Puuwwiiiiffffttt] What are you talking about? [Beelllcchhhh] That wasn't me!! That was an oliphaunt passing by the waterfall.
Sam: Uh huh. And I'm the Queen of Fairyland.
Frodo: If you insist. I won't think any less of you because of your lifestyle choice.
Sam: Here! [Thppllllluuuuuuuuuuppp] Take that you!
Frodo: All right, if you want to play that game. [Braacckkkkk]
Faramir: Enough out of you too!! Geez! [pushing them into a corner of the cave]
Sam: [whining] Owee, Owee!! Hey, he touched me pointedly!
Faramir: You two far surpass even the stench of a dead Easterling on a 100 degree day! For the love of that is good and pure!! Sam, go to sleep! Frodo, come with me. I have some more prodding left to do regarding Boromir.
(merithehobbit)
Sam: Hey...I can't go to sleep now!
Frodo: Why not, you didn't have a nap earlier, and everyone knows how cranky you can be when you miss your nap!
Sam: Well, it clearly says in the script that I am to hum for a while and listen and then pluck up courage later on!
Frodo: Okay, well, just hum quietly...Oh...and here [hands him a small container] Beano!
Sam: [blush] Well, Thanks...sheesh...Can't compare me to Merry or Pip though.
Frodo: [whispering] Well, he is taking us to a rather small corner of the room which is partially screened by curtains...I already took several.
Secret Beaver Narrator: Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, Oh.. [sucks teeth] must beeeeee my turn...Hoookie Doookie! Let see...They ate dinner...got that, they were all full, check! They go and have after dinner stories by the fire...Yup...that's where we are. Over in the corner with The Hottie, and the short furry guys.
Faramir: MAN! How come we got the Secret Beaver Narrator again!
Mablung: Remember, no regular ones are allowed...it is a Secret Hiding Place, Odd got lost by the waterfall looking for squirrels.
Faramir: Whatever...[sitting down in the small cozy little corner] OK...Frodo, I know you are going to get sleepy pretty soon, but I want to know more about Boromir, and Mithrandir and the Babe of the Golden Wood...that sounded like a good story.
Frodo: Well, I feel all perky and awake now, due to the large amount of energy available to me after that fabulous meal...so what do you want to know?
Sam: Hum, hum, hum dee, dee, dum...
Faramir: Start with Boromir...
Secret Beaver Narrator: Gnaw, gnaw....[sucks teeth] All righty...now Frodo, the cute blue eyed one, if you didn't remember, [sucks teeth] Man, I need some floss...Ok...Frodo see, he told Faramir all about their adventures. He talked about meeting Boromir for the first time, and the interesting antics they pulled in Rivendell. He talked of their journey and how Boromir was always really good at collecting wood, in fact he held the record amongst their fellowship, aside from good old Bill, of holding the most wood. Then, [cluck, click] He told of all the other cool things Boromir did, like clearing the snow away on Caradhras, and how very impressed everyone was with his pectorals and his workout regimen. He also talked about Lothlorien, place of great wood for gnawing, and of Gandalf who has that great gnawable staff...ummmmm.....Oh..[sucks teeth] He neglected to talk about the Ring, or a whole lot about the creepy feelings that Frodo always got around Boromir, choosing to focus on the good things...which one does often when someone has passed...like wrestling, and swordplay, and valiant other stuff. [click, click] Oh geeze...hand me that toothpick again.
Faramir: I bet it really ticked off Boromir to have to run away from the Orcs and the Balrog.
Frodo: Well, he was really quite reluctant to leave Moria. But had to. [looking up apologetically] You see, I was having a really difficult time watching Gandalf go plunging over the edge of the abyss [sniff] and yelling out NOOOOO and flailing around and such, I pretty much had to be carried out of Moria.
Faramir: Boromir carried you out of Moria, with all the arrows flying and Orcs and Balrogs?
Frodo: Well, just one Balrog, but believe me that is enough for me...Yes, Boromir with his incredibly strong Pectoral muscles hauled me outside. It was very dramatic, and I got a lot of praise for my performance actually. It really made Boromir look pretty awesome. All the fans think that is one of the best scenes in the first movie.
Faramir: Boromir was in one of the best scenes of the movie? Wow, I bet I can sell some of his stuff on e-bay for a good price now huh?
Frodo: Definitely.
Faramir: Well, if it hadn't been for all you little hobbits, maybe Boromir would've saved the day...killed the Balrog, saved Gandalf. Don't you feel guilty about that, I mean, because of your little flailing performance he couldn't do his best "saving the day" stuff.
Frodo: You can't imagine the guilt. I was speechless.
Faramir: Really?
Frodo: Well, for a good half an hour. Just cried these big slow drippy tears...that was really good too...
Faramir: To cry?
Frodo: No, I mean, the fans loved that part too, I even got a nice bit of swelling soundtrack all to my little self.
Faramir: Oh.
Frodo: I do think Boromir was brave though...but really, after the whole mugging incident he did sort of leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Faramir: [eyebrows up] Really? That bad?
Frodo: [eyes grow wide] What'd I say? Noooo... you are reading too much into that last sentence...all his bum grabbing was for Pippin. I just had to go throw up after he scared me trying to get the...the...well...Bane of Isildur. So that was nasty...you know how that tastes...eeewwwww...I need a mint just thinking about it. Um...soooo Faramir....tell me a bit of your own fortunes. I, for one, need a drink of water after all that talking. Parched.
(Idril)
Faramir: Well... <sigh> I'm supposed to tell you all about the history of the Dunadain now, but I'm not really in the mood.
Frodo: Won't that mess up the story?
Faramir: Oh, I know! We can watch a film about it instead <pulls cover off projector> This is cool... it's a play we did when we were kids.
Frodo: Cool.
[Film starts... piano music]
Very young Imrahil: Our play is called "The History of the Dunedain" by Faramir and Imrahil. Starring Boromir and Thorongil.
[applause]
[curtain raises]
Very young Faramir: Alas! The forces of evil are overrunning Middle Earth! Unless we have a miracle, we shall surely perish!
Very young Boromir: I, Earendil, will sail to the Undying lands and get help!
Very young Imrahil: My Beloved! Here is a Silmaril to guide you! (ties tinfoil star to Earendil's head)
Faramir: (whispering) Where is your costume?
Imrahil: (whispering) I'm NOT wearing a dress! Forget it.
Boromir/Earendil: Elwing! Come with me Beloved and we shall sail. Now.
[Earendil and Elwing get in cardboard boat... scuttle away]
Faramir: Oh, I hope they bring help soon! Otherwise we Eldar and Edain are doomed!
Thorongil: (looking amazingly like a slightly younger Aragorn) ARRGGHH! We are the evil hoards of Melkor, come to destroy you!
Faramir/Eldar/Edain: No you shant!
[Evil hoard and Eldar/Edain sword fight]
[Earendil comes scuttling back]
Boromir/Earendil: I have returned in a magic flying boat! The Valar will save Middle Earth. Die evil hoard!
Imrahil: [enters] And we, the Valar have come too! Die evil hoard!
[They smack Thorongil who falls down... moans... dies]
Everyone: Hooray!
Imrahil/Valar: Bad Melkor! We will cast you into the Void!
Thorongil/Melkor: (getting up and running offstage) Oh nooooooooo!
Imrahil/Valar: Earendil! Thank you for coming to fetch us, but you can't stay in Middle Earth now.
Boromir/Earendil: Oh no!
Imrahil/Valar: But you get to be a star!
Boromir/Earendil: Hooray!
Imrahil/Valar: And Edain, because you fought so bravely we're going to make an island for you in the West.
Faramir/Edain: Hooray!
Imrahil/Valar: And you, Elros, get to be the first king!
Faramir/Edain/Elros: Hooray!
Imrahil/Valar: One condition: Don't become evil.
Faramir/Edain/Elros: We won't, we promise!
Everyone: Hooray!
[curtain falls]
[applause]
[shuffle shuffle whisper]
[piano music]
[curtain raises]
Imrahil: (wearing crown) It has been many generations since we came to this island of Numenor, and we have never been evil. But I, Ar-Pharazon, am tired of being a goodie two-shoes. I think I will make war on the Valar!
Thorongil: Yes, that is a very good plan!
Boromir and Faramir: No! Please don't! Don't listen to the Unnamed, he is evil!
Imrahil/Ar-Pharazon: My cousins, Elendil and Isildur. You are behind the times. It is good to be evil now!
Boromir/Elendil: Come, Isildur, we must run away!
Faramir/Isildur: From now on we shall call ourselves the Dunadain, which means "Not evil like our cousins."
[They run offstage]
Thorongil/Unnamed: Now, Ar-Pharazon, go fight the Valar!
Imrahil/Ar-Pharazon: I will!
[He walks offstage]
Thorongil/Unnamed: (rubs hands together) MUAHAHAHAH!
[clashing/rumbling sound offstage]
Thorongil/Unnamed: Oh no! A cataclysm!
[Elendil and Isildur scuttle by the boat]
Boromir/Elendil: The Valar are destroying Numenor, and it's all your fault!
Thorongil/Unnamed: Ah the water!
[Imrahil throws a blue blanket on the Unnamed, who moans and lays still]
Faramir/Isildur: Alas! Our home is destroyed!
[they scuttle across the stage]
Boromir/Elendil: Look! We have come to Middle Earth!
Faramir/Isildur: Hooray!
[Elendil and Isildur land]
Imrahil: (wearing crown) Welcome to Middle Earth! I, Gil-Galad, king of the elves, welcome you!
Boromir/Elendil: This is not a bad place!
Faramir/Isildur: It is very nice!
Imrahil/Gil-Galad: You can be kings of all the men who live here. And we elves will be your friends!
Everyone: Hooray!
Faramir/Isildur: I'm very glad that the Unnamed perished.
Thorongil/Unnamed: [from offstage] HA! I'M NOT DEAD YET!
Everyone: OH NO! [put hands to heads and fall down]
[curtain falls]
[applause]
[film ends]
Frodo: Awwww... that was so cute.
Faramir: <shrug> I'm sentimental tonight I guess.
Sam: Who was that playing Gil-galad?
Faramir: A cousin, Prince Imrahil. He always wants to play the elf parts since his family has elvish blood.
Sam: It doesn't seem like you folks associate with the elves much... though in the play old Gil-Galad said you'd be friends.
Faramir: I suppose we've grown apart over the years. Some travel to the Golden Wood, but few return. I can't believe the two of you actually met the White Lady, what a dream come true!
Sam: Yes, that was some experience! (Although my experience wasn't quite the same as old Gimli's, if you catch my drift.) She's wondrous fair! Like a million kinds of beautiful rolled into one person. Sometimes she gives funny gifts, though. (scowls)
Faramir: I would be wary of her funny gifts. The funny gifts of elves can be perilous indeed.
Sam: I don't know about perilous. Seems to me that people bring their own peril into Lorien. The Lady has an odd effect on folks for sure, like she tumbles up all those dreams and desires that folks likes to keep a lid on. But she can't tumble up nothing that wasn't already there.
Now Boromir... oops.
Faramir: What about Boromir? What dreams did she "tumble up" for Boromir?
Sam: Well, if you're asking me, you're asking somebody that does a lot of watching and not so much talking. And watching old Boromir, I got the idea that, well, from the first time he laid eyes on it in Rivendell, he wanted the Enemy's Ring!
Ring: True! I'll vouch!
Faramir: The enemy's ring? Damn!
Frodo: Huh? SAM! Oh geeze!
Sam: What? He don't know already?
Faramir: I had no idea, everybody thought it was lost forever.
Sam: Give me a break! You said "somewhat from the hand of the enemy". What did you mean by that, those fake stick-on fingernails?
Faramir: Ummm... actually... not exactly <blush> The One Ring, though, really? Boromir mugged you for the One Ring?
Sam: Now listen here! That ought not make no difference. You'd better not go changing your spots just because I said somethin' I shouldn't have.
Faramir: So you escaped old Boromir... and came running to me! <stands up> HA!
Ring: <SQUEAL> Oh he's so cute!
Frodo: Oh you are so not going to try that old trick on us... <rolls eyes>
Faramir: What?
Frodo: That "Oh I could get the ring if I wanted too, see how big and menacing I am" trick. For one thing, you're too cute to pull it off. For another thing, Aragorn did it to me already, and it's getting old.
Faramir: <sits> Well I could. <pout>
Frodo: You won't. We're buds, remember?
Sam: Yeah, besides, you already said that "free in a Burger King Kid's meal" line.
Faramir: Alright, I know... sheesh. Wow, you took the ring? What are you going to do with it.
Frodo: We're going to take it to the Cracks of Doom and throw it in.
Ring: What? No way!
Faramir: You're kidding... Hobbits going to Cracks of Doom? <face freezes into shocked, puzzled expression>.
Frodo: Not kidding.... wish I were! <YAWN> Well off to bed for me. Faramir? <waves hand in front of Faramir's face... gets no response> Well he's spazzed out. Let's hit the hay, Sam.
Sam: Righto.
Frodo: Damn, I think I was supposed to be the one to faint. It'd be nice to be carried off to bed.
Sam: I'll carry you if you want me to.
Frodo: Never mind.