(merithehobbit and Idril)
Odd Narrator: For the hours left of the day the travelers waited resting in the shade.
Frodo: What do you think? Do you like it?
Sam: Well, yeah... pretty good.
Gollum: That is disgusting.
Sam: What would you know about it?
Gollum: Silly, hobbitsess... thinksss Gollum knowsss nothing.
Frodo: Just pretty good?
Sam: Well [kneeling down] If you just put this here, and that... yes... that's it... [sigh] PERFECT!
Frodo: You're right... we did it! The perfect sand castle... and no one but Gollum to appreciate it.
Gollum: Sand castles... why can't you make pretty sand marshes, or sand caves? Ugly sand castles all tall and spirey... yuck.
Sam: You're just no fun.
Odd Narrator: The sun finally disappeared over the lip of their little hole, and darkness began to spread.
Frodo: OK, time to eat again... fork over the Lembas.
Sam: Here ya go... and are you sure you won't have any Gollum?
Gollum: Just watersss pleassse... Gollum very hungry... but we get food soon... [grabbing his sunken belly]
Frodo: Careful, we're almost out of water.
Gollum: Soon we shall have more to drink... nice things to drink South of here.
Odd Narrator: As night fell the trio climbed out of their little hidey hole... hidey hole... who uses a word like that? Sheesh... they started their journey... keeping near the road, following it on it's left side as well as possible at night and from a distance.
Ring: Ahem... aren't we going the wrong way?
Frodo: Shortcut.
Ring: But we were right there!
Frodo: Hobbits have to use the servant's entrance.
Ring: Oh... <puzzled> Okay... I suppose.
Odd Narrator: All the while a single red light burned in the Towers of Teeth... giving them the willies, and that creepy feeling you get when someone is watching you.
Frodo: When are we going to be out of the view of the EYE?
Sam: What eye? I see no eye?
Gollum: There's no eyesess... just our eyesss.
Frodo: Can't you feel it boring into your skin from behind... [holding his head] I can hardly stand it... burning red... like fire... AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [stumble fall]
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Are you OK? Holy Orc Hair! [crouches by a crumpled and shaking Frodo] What happened... there's no eye! Are you hallucinating again?
Frodo: GOTCHA! [jumps up and pokes Sam in the stomach]
Sam: Whaa... why you... [wrestle, wrestle] OW... hee... heee... that tickles... [wrestle, wrestle]
Frodo: OK... sorry... had to get out that nervous energy... I still see the eye though [pointing at the red flicker in the tower] let's get out of its view.
Gollum: Strange, strange, hobbitsses.
Odd Narrator: Late in the night they noticed that something had changed. Like a noise that isn't apparent until it stops, they realized that they no longer felt oppressive presence of the Towers of the Teeth, as a shoulder of the mountains now blocked it from view.
Ring: Fudge!
Frodo: What now?
Ring: My reception just fizzled. Right in the middle of Craig Kilborne. I feel all cruddy too... maybe I'm coming down with something.
Frodo: Wow... it must suck to be you.
Ring: Are you being sarcastic?
Frodo: Me? Never! <Takes a deep breath> Mmmmm... nice night for walking!
Odd Narrator: They paused as it grew lighter, and saw that they'd left the desolation of the Morannon. There was life here, and green growing things, though the land showed the signs of the Dark Lord's poor economic policies. There were knots of tall pine trees dotting the landscape, and also decrepit mobile homes with large satellite dishes and rusted automobiles on blocks in their yards.
Gollum: We must find a nice place to hide, the Yellow Face is coming. Orcs and trailer trash will be nosing about soon.
Sam: Might as well. That was a long scramble.
Gollum: Perhapses we can risk the road tomorrow... easier for nice Master.
Frodo: Looks like a good spot right up there... under those shrubs.
Odd Narrator: Well, this part is just boring... they sleep in the day time... what's new?
Sam: Well, we're sleeping in heather now... that's new.
Frodo: Heather... she was such a cute thing...
Sam: NO... sheesh, didn't you pay any attention during the descriptive plant names class? [puts hands behind back and begins] Heather: a common heath, also known...
Gollum: There he goes again.
Frodo: Well, it can come in handy... he did know all about Kingsfoil that one time.
Sam: ... as any common form of shrubby...
Frodo: [snork] Shrubby? Is that similar to shrubbery?
Sam: ... [glare]shrubby dicotyledonous and often evergreen plants that thrive in open barren...
Frodo: What the heck is dicotyledonous?
Sam: Oh you're as bad as Pippin! It means it has 2 seed leaves... sheesh... where was I?
Gollum: [yawn] open barren...
Sam: Oh yes... thrives on open barren usually acidic and ill drained soil...
Frodo: Well, you pretty much described our locale... but man... these leafy things poke something fierce!
Gollum: My turn...
Frodo: Yup... [grabs Gollum's hand and they start having thumb wars]
Sam: Hey... It should be my turn... I won that last round.
Gollum: [anxiously moving elbows and sticking out his tongue in concentration] You just want to hold his hand again.
Frodo: [snerf] Stop trying to disssssstracttssss usssss! Bwhahahahaa!
Gollum: [snork]
Sam: No way? You can "snork"? BWAHAHAHAAA!
Gollum: [giggle] You hobbbittsssess... disstraccctinnggggss AAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!
Frodo: Whoo hoo I win, I win!
Sam: Oooh. My turn, my turn.
Gollum: Dratsess... almost hadsss ittsss. Nassstyy hobbitss just distracted usss...
Frodo: Oh you're just so fun to tease!
Gollum: [pouts]gollum, gollum
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: They FINALLY settled down for the day, but Sam was restless and had trouble sleeping.
Sam's stomach: Like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. There's shrimp kebobs, shrimp creole...
Sam: Please be quiet.
Sam's stomach: ... shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp...
[He covers his head with his cloak]
Sam's stomach: ... shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich.
Sam: <MOAN>
Sam's stomach: That's about it.
Odd Narrator: The next evening they were able to risk the road for a while, and travelled faster.
Frodo: Compadre... I've never had a slow screw.
Sam: Oh, Cheri.
Frodo: Woo woo! <giggle>
Sam: There's nothing better than a confirmed bachelor.
Frodo: What the hell... tie me to the bedpost.
Sam: Are you in the mood for a thriller... or maybe a special rough?
Frodo: Well, definitely no whiplash.
Sam: Nah. A tongue stroke would be better... and a soul kiss.
Frodo: Oh... it all sounds so good! How about a comfortable screw up against the wall?
Sam: Brazen hussy!
Frodo: You'd like a hummer, right?
Sam: You read my mind.
Gollum: What about Smeagol? Does poor Smeagol get a hummer?
Sam: You've gotta have a death wish. How about a bloody lip?
Gollum: <sniff> No! Smeagol prefers sex on the beach.
Frodo: Okay then. (to the cocktail vendor) We'll have a Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall, a Hummer and a Sex on the Beach.
Cocktail Vendor: Gotcha. That'll be twelve bucks.
Frodo: Okay... there ya go. Keep the change.
[vendor mixes and serves three drinks]
Sam: (sipping) Imagine that... a Cocktail Stand way out here in the middle of nowhere!
(pippin1986)
Odd Narrator: The Hobbits and Smeagol traveled far, after having their drinks. They walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and, well, you get the idea. After walking some more, Frodo was hungry, and so was Sam so they stopped for a little dinner break.
Frodo: Sam, I'm tired, so I'm just going to go to sleep while you do all the work, okay?
Sam: Well, I was thinking-what if instead, we both go to sleep and let SMEAGOL do the work this time?
Frodo: Well, I'd love that, but we already had some "Us Time" today, and I need some REAL sleep this time, okay?
Sam: (sigh) okay.
Frodo: (snore)
Sam: Hi Gollum!
Gollum: Hi Sam!
Sam: Wassup?
Gollum: Nuttin' Much, Brothah.
Sam: Well, I'm pretty hungry, you?
Gollum: Not really Brothah, but man, I'm always ready to help.
Sam: Well then, how 'bout you go and get us some nice conies?
Gollum: Smeagol always ready help, yessssss brothah, alwwaayyyyssssssssss
Sam: WhatEVAH!
Odd Narrator: Gollum scooted off and after a bit came back with two young conies, cut down in the prime of their youth.
Coney #1: Actaully, we're not dead yet!
Coney #2: Really, we're feeling much better!
(merithehobbit)
Sam: Uh... did ya check um?
Gollum: Check um?
Sam: You know...
Gollum: No.
Sam: For ticks!
Gollum: Ticks? [holds up conies... and inspects them]
Sam: You know... bunnies hopping through the forest... pick up ticks... diseases... bubonic plague... that sort of thing.
Coney #1: Hey... we don't have ticks... or diseases!
Gollum: Darnit... I love ticks... they way they just burst in your mouth... mmmmmm.
Coney #2: Tick free... it's stamped on our feet... see? [shows foot]
Sam: Nice foot... [smirk] good for rubbing.
Coney #2: You are a masseur?
Sam: [chuckle] Oh yes indeedie! [bonks Conies on heads with pot]
(RUSSELLBor)
Sam: What? Not quite dead yet?
Coney #1: I think I'm going to make it!
Coney #2: I want to go for a walk!
Sam: Of course you do. But first you must have a nice hot bath. We can't have you going out like that, can we?
Smeagol: A bath? Achhh! Ssss! Nasty water! Full of soapses! It burns our eyes sssss!
Odd Narrator: The conies however, had no objection to a bath at all, and said so. At least not to a warm bath, which is exactly what Sam had in mind. All conies, of course, love baths, for they learn the art of bathing before they learn the ways of their briar patches. And these rabbits were expert bathers, even by coney reckoning, and they had done a good deal of bathing on their travels, whenever there was a chance. They even still hopefully carried their loofas. But they needed a towel, and some other things besides.
Coney #1: We need towels!
Coney #2: Yes, towels!
Coney #1: And bubble bath!
Coney #2: Yes! Lots and lots of bubble bath! The strawberry kind!
Sam: Of course you do, but first I must get you undressed.
Conies: (together) Undressed?
Sam: Why yes, we can't have you getting your fur all wet, why you'd catch your death!
Coney #1: Silly Hobbit! Our fur doesn't come...
(Sam whips out VERY nasty looking knife)
Coney #1: ... off? Oh man!
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Due to its graphic nature, this scene has been edited for content]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Gollum: (dancing happily) Yesss! Yesss! We likes it we does! Nice Hobbits! Kill conies! We wants to lick the spoonses we does! Please! Please! Gollum!
Sam: Oh, very well, but first you must fill these pans with water and bring them back to me.
Gollum: Smeagol will fetch water yes! But what for, conies are taking the dirt nap they are! No baths needed now!
Sam: Just go and do it and I'll fix you a nice bowl of heads and entrails.
Gollum: Mmmmm, ennntrailses. Be right back!
Sam: Well, let's get these fixed up so I can get some food into Mr. Frodo. (starts fire in a shallow hole in the bank as Gollum returns with the water)
Gollum: (Eyes turn a pale green) Oh my dear boy! Are you ENTIRELY sure that building a fire is a capitol idea? It can be quite dangerous if not handled properly. There is also quite an excellent probability that the emanation of smoke will in fact draw the attention of our rather vigilant friends in black.
Sam: I don't care, I'm gonna stew 'em up anyway.
Gollum: Stew! How provincial! Have you not heard of Coney-tar-tar? It is a delightful dish, especially if garnished with...
Sam: Oh put a sock in it will ya?
Gollum: My, aren't WE waxing eloquent!
Sam: Says you!
Gollum: Indeed.
Sam: You know what would go good with these hares?
Gollum: Allow me to venture a supposition... Taters?
Sam: Now you're talkin'! And some herbs too if'n you can find 'em!
Gollum: Why not! Some marjoram perchance, and maybe a pinch of saffron!
Sam: Yeah, that'd be great! Can you get 'em?
Gollum: I think not.
Sam: Listen you...
Gollum: No you listen, out of the goodness of my heart I went and acquired a perfectly fine pair of young wild hares. Then you proceed to utterly destroy all possibility of preparing them in a fashion that would be considered fit for civilized creatures. My appetite sir, has been quite effectively destroyed! Now if you don't mind, I shall take my plate of entrails and remove myself to place where I can enjoy them and brood in peace. Adieu sir!
Sam: Oh now...
Gollum: I said ADIEU!
[exits]
Sam: Oh well, Mr. Frodo! Wake up! It's time to grub!
Frodo: (yawning) Sam you darling of a hobbit! What have you been up to? Something smells good!
Sam: Oh, just a little coney stew ala Sam. A present from old Smeagol.
Frodo: In that case, Good food, good meat, good God let's eat!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Later... well actually a very short time later (small conies don't last long with hungry hobbits, you know.) Sam was washing the dishes at the lake when he saw a think curl of smoke coming from the campsite and realized that he'd forgotten to turn the iron off. When he ran back to the camp he saw that the entire ironing board cover AND Frodo's best dress shirt were ablaze.
Frodo (waking up and seeing the disaster): LUUUUCY! You've got some 'splainin' to do!
Sam: WAAAHH!!
Odd Narrator: They quickly put out the blaze and buried the ruined laundry, but had a sinking feeling that the damage was done. Sure enough, just as they'd hidden themselves away in the fern they were startled by some loud trampling noises and the sounds of breaking branches.
Frodo: Sh! It must be men... orcs don't make that much racket.
Voice: It looks like this is the spot... campsite... remains of a fire... but there's no sign of the campers.
Another Voice: I wonder who it was. Orcs don't iron their clothes.
First Voice: No telling.
Hottie Voice: Well I'm sure they're long gone by now, nobody would be dumb enough to hang around after making that much smoke.
Frodo: Oooohh that voice!
Sam: Hummina hummina!
Voice: What was that?
Odd Narrator: The men (and men they were indeed) discovered the hobbits hiding in the ferns and dragged them out.
Sam: Och! Watch the weskit!
Hottie: Here now! What are you? Are you little orcs?
Frodo: <SQUEAK!> No Sir! We're... ummm...
Sam: Conies!
Frodo: Uh, yeah! We're bunny rabbits. Just mindin' our own business.
Hottie: <rolls his soulful grey eyes> I've never heard a bunny talk before.
Sam: We're whatcha call taciturn.
Hottie: What does "taciturn" mean.
Frodo: It means we don't have much to say.
Hottie: Well, why didn't you say so?
Sam: We didn't feel like it, being taciturn and all.
Hottie: Hmmmm... but I've never seen bunnies wear clothes before.
Frodo: We're the rare Beatrix Potter variety.
Hottie: Oooookay. Now wait a minute! If you're taciturn, then why are you talking to me?
Sam: Ummm...
Frodo: We're beguiled by your good looks.
Sam: Indeed Sir, has anyone ever told you that you're a hottie?
Hottie: Constantly. Faramir's the name.
Frodo: Faramir? Wow... nice name for a hottie.
Sam: Not that we're gay or anything. You're just mighty good lookin'.
Faramir: So they tell me.
Mablung: Can we kill 'em yet?
Faramir: In a minute, sheesh! (to Frodo) Now I'm pretty sure you aren't conies... so tell me the truth! Who are you and why are you here?
Frodo (does that eye contact thing with Sam): We're hobbits, halflings that is, from the Shire. We've come from Imladris on a mission.
[Faramir raises a shapely eyebrow]
Sam: We're on a mission from God.
Frodo: Sh! (whispers) Now's not the time to start channeling Dan Akroid!
Sam: Oh sorry. Nerves, you know.
Frodo: We came South with two of our kin, and a dwarf from the lonely mountain, and an elf from Mirkwood, and Gandalf and two men, Boromir from Minas Tirith and Aragorn.
Faramir: Boromir? You know him?
Frodo: Oh yes! Finest man I've ever met... a true prince! Kind and courteous, gentle, ummm... well groomed... did I say courteous?
[Faramir looks suspicious]
Sam: Actually he liked to put salt in our coffee and kept grabbing Pippin's bum.
Faramir: Aha! I see that you DO know him! I think we shall let you live for now, but you'll have to stay hidden. My company and I are gonna rumble with some carneys.
Frodo: What?
Faramir: I'll leave Mablung and Damrod here to guard you. See ya when I see ya.
[Faramir and one of the guys leave.]
Frodo (trying not to notice Faramir's nice-looking behind): Hey... remember that flashback at the Council?
Sam: What? No... I heard 'em but didn't see them. I was hiding, remember.
Frodo: I think that's Boromir's bro.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits sat down again, but did not speak. Frodo watched the two men that were left to guard them.
Mablung: (takes of his mask) Whew! It's getting hot as Mt. Doom today.
Damrod: Heard that! I'm roasting in my own juices. (takes off his mask)
Frodo: (to himself) Geez, all these guys are hotties... er, no! I mean, hot. I mean, they're hot because of the heat... arrgh! Forget it.
Sam: (whispers) Mr. Frodo? Did you notice how all these guys are really hot?
Frodo: (sigh) Yeah, Sam.
Damrod: So, you think there'll be a barbecue tonight?
Mablung: Dunno. Depends on how the fighting goes, I suppose. I hope someone else cooks this time, though. That last guy got the fire too hot and charred the meat.
Damrod: (laughs) Ouyay ereway ookingcay!
Mablung: Amnday aightstray. (laughs)
Frodo: (to himself) Hey, that's Elvish. These guys must be Dunedain of the South. (To the men) So. What goes on in these parts?
Mablung: Who wants to know?
Frodo: I just thought maybe you could fill me in on the local events. Such strong and noble men you are... and intelligent, too...
Mablung: Well, sure, but...
Frodo: And handsome. Did I mention handsome?
Mablung: (flustered) Yes, well... er... what would you like to know?
Frodo: Well, why are you all here?
Mablung: Well, we were Rangers of Ithilien, and now we serve Lord Denethor. We just try to keep the orcs and other enemies from getting too cocky.
Damrod: Today it's not orcs, though. (grimly) It's Carnies. Curse them! They're on their way up from the south to join with the Dark Lord.
Mablung: They grow careless, though, thinking they're close enough to His lands to be protected. Well, they've got another think coming. Faramir will show them. He seems to come through all such perils unscathed.
Frodo: (under his breath) Probably 'cause he's so hot!
Mablung: Your pardon?
Frodo: Nothing, nothing...
Odd Narrator: Long they waited and listened, and Sam saw many more men creep up the slopes and vanish. As the sun rose higher, he wondered where Gollum was...
Sam: (to himself) I wonder where Gollum is? Dagnabbit, he still owes me a foot-rub from that last game of Old Maid. I s'pose he's off hiding. (yawning) Oh, well. Nap time! (lies down)
Frodo: Yowch! You're on my foot!
Sam: Sorry...
Frodo: It's hot... do you have to lie so close?
Sam: Well... yeah.
Frodo: (sigh)
Odd Narrator: Sam awoke at noon to the sounds of battle not far away. The clanging, thudding, and ringing of steel on steel clearly unnerved him.
Sam: Gadzooks! It sounds like Pippin at a Sunday all-you-can-eat brunch! I hope they don't come no nearer...
Odd Narrator: But the noise grew closer.
Sam: Ack! Can't you just narrate them the other direction?
Odd Narrator: Sorry, it's right here in the book. "But the noise grew closer." Don't worry, just go have a look. I'm sure you won't be sorry.
Sam: Oh, all right.
Odd Narrator: Sam scrambled up into one of the trees, just in time to see Carnies of all shapes and sizes running down the slopes, with Faramir's men in pursuit. Arrows were thick in the air.
Sam: Um, am I in any danger here?
Odd Narrator: Nah. Just keep watching. Suddenly a man came crashing down right in front of Sam, his neck pierced with arrows, his hair drenched with blood.
Sam: Eewwwww! I thought you said I wouldn't be sorry! Poor guy... I wonder if he chose to be a Carny, or if he was forced into it... (shudder)
Odd Narrator: Don't mind him. The good part is coming up.
Damrod: Heads up! Something huge is headed right for us!
Sam: (gawking) Holy socks! Good golly, Miss Molly! Great thundering horny-toads!
Odd Narrator: NOW we're cookin' with gas! Careening down the slope was an immense grey shape, ears flapping, snake-like snout raised in the air. Just as it reached the watchers, it suddenly did a graceful arabesque and spun off in another direction, plowing down trees as it went. Clinging to the pink tulle skirt about its flanks was the figure of a man, who had obviously lost control of the choreography. Arrows bounced harmlessly off its grey hide, and men were crushed or skewered by its deadly tusks as it went leaping off into the distance.
Sam: Holy cr*p. That was an Oliphaunt, or I'm no Hobbit. And I'm definitely a Hobbit. No one's ever gonna believe this. UFO's, crop circles, sure. But Oliphaunts? No way. (sigh) Wish I'd had a camera.
Odd Narrator: Told you so.
Sam: Yeah, well, back to sleep for me. Oh, and thanks for waking me up for the good stuff...
Odd Narrator: No problem.
(merithehobbit)
Mablung: Don't get too snuggy down there... the Captain will return soon, if he survived unscathed... and we will want to get scarce PDQ!
Sam: Well, when you leave, can you tip toe this time... you guys really make a ruckus! I usually hit the REM sleep pretty quick now, and I really need to get that in.
Mablung: [snork... laugh... cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, hack, hack, aaaahackkk!]
Sam: Is that why they named you Mablung... for some lung disorder?
Mablung: [cough... snork] No... [cough]... just got water down the wrong pipe... I hate that. I am named after Mab, queen of fairies... and the fact that "blung" sounds perty.
Sam: [SNORK] You have a chick's name?
Mablung: Well, I checked the script... and I'm pretty sure you have good buddies with rather effeminate names as well... Frodo, Pippin and Merry? HELLO!
Sam: Well...
Mablung: I was laughing, and well, coughing, because ain't no way in Mordor the Captain is leaving you here to sleep.
Sam: Oh. Dang... well, can you shut up so I can sleep till he gets here?
Mablung: Sure.