(Russ)
Odd Narrator: Before the next day dawned their journey to Mordor was over.
Ring: Are we there yet?
Frodo: No.
Ring: Are we there yet?
Frodo: No.
Ring: Are we there yet?
Frodo: No.
Ring: Are we there yet?
Frodo: Yes.
Ring: Are we th... Huh?
Frodo: We're here.
Ring: Yahoo! (sniff) Be it ever so humble...
Odd Narrator: Before them, darkling against a pallid sky, the great mountains reared their threatening heads,
Mountains: Go and boil your bottoms Hobbit pig-dogs! You empty headed animal food trough wipers! I blow my nose at you! Your mother was a hamster and your gaffer smelt of elderberries!
Odd Narrator: Um, alright, perhaps I should have said they raised their viciously taunting heads?
Mountains: Phbbbbtttt! Silly Hobbits! I fart in your general direction!
Sam: Odd...
Frodo: What?
Sam: I keep getting this mental image of baguettes, berets and Jerry Lewis.
Frodo: Hmmm. Who's Jerry Lewis?
Gollum: Achh! Ssss! Nassssty Lewisess! We hatesss them we doess! Sssss!
Odd Narrator: Uh, yeah. Anyway, the mountains made a great wall about the mournful plains of Lithlad and Gorgoroth. and the bitter inland sea of Nuren amidmost.
Lithlad: Oh woe is...
Odd Narrator: Stop it.
Gorgoroth: But we just wanted to...
Odd Narrator: No.
Lithlad: But that's not fair, the mountains got to...
Odd and somewhat annoyed narrator: I said NO!
Nuren: What about me?
O.A.S.A.N.: That goes DOUBLE for you!
Nuren: Well, I guess we know who the Narrator's pet is! Hmmph!
Odd and somewhat exasperated Narrator: Sigh. The arms of the mountains swung northward and between them was the deep defile of Cirith Gorgor, the haunted pass... What?!
Cirith Gorgor: I didn't say anything.
O.A.S.E.N.: Well I'm keeping an eye on you! Now where was I, oh yeah, the haunted pass and entrance to the land of the enemy. High Cliffs lowered upon either side and thrust forward from its mouth were...
Lithlad: Snork!
Cirith: Har!
narrator: Now Look...
L+C: Sorry. Please go on. (snicker)
Odd narrator: Well okay, and from its mouth were thrust two sheer hills, black-boned and bare. Upon them stood the teeth of Mordor, two towers, strong and tall. Built long ago by the men of Gondor to keep watch over the land following Sauron's defeat, the watch of the men slept, causing the teeth to turn yellow and sport unsightly stains and plaque and...
Sam: WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!?!
(Thran)
Rope: Yeah, anyone can have bad breath, Mordor, but you could knock a buzzard off a s**t wagon!
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: ... and, of course, that. Now the watchtowers had fallen into decay and weakened, and though the Dark Lord was powerful, he was not skilled in the ways of oral hygiene, still, upon his return he repaired them the best he could and garrisoned them with ceaseless vigilance...
Sam: Ceaseless vigilance? Is that contagious?
Frodo: I don't think so, not if you use a condom.
Narrator: ANYWAY! Stony faced they were, with window holes staring north, east and west. And each window was full of sleepless eyes.
Across the mouth of the pass the Dark Lord had built a rampart of stone with a single gate of iron. And upon its battlement was a sign that read "Closed For Earthquake Retrofit" and all around it were men and orcs in orange vests and hardhats who were unceasingly doing everything except actual work. And on the road before the gate were signs that read: "Roadwork Ahead, Prepare To Stop." and "Highway Workers, Give'em A Brake."
The two hobbits gazed at the towers and the signs in despair. Even from a distance they could see that the work was proceeding so slowly that they would be well into the Fourth Age before they had any hope of passing the gates. They lay now peering over the edge of a rocky hollow beneath the shadow of the Northernmost buttress of Ephel Merman. A bellowing banshee wail would have traveled in a straight line but a furlong from their hiding place to the summit of the nearer tower. A faint smoke curled up from below as the highway crew fired up the tar-making machine.
(Silarien)
Boring Descriptive Narrator:
Day arrived with a sallow sun
And strumpet trumpets squealed
Then strumpet trumpet crumpet
Replied from far a-field
There then arose a rhythmic din
Like a cave troll with a cough
K'dunk, the day shift clocking on
The night shift clocking off
The weary orcs went to their halls
Reclaiming fluffy toys
To cuddle as they fell asleep
'Cos they can't tell girls from boys
The day shift smiled out from the walls
After sleeping round the clock
They risked a bit of lipstick then
They knew what was what
(Idril)
Sam: Well, here we are! Here's the Gate... hey wait a minute.
Frodo: What?
Sam: I've been here before.
Frodo: Huh?
Sam: Yesss... when I was six or seven. My Gaffer brought me.
Frodo: I'm confused. You're saying that your Gaffer brought you here when you were a kid? You do realize that we're 930 miles from the Shire as the crow flies, don't you?
Sam: Yep, that sounds about right. I'd forgotten all about it! One time he got mad about something... what was that... oh yeah, I'd planted a whole row of onions too close together. He dragged me here to show me where I'd end up if I didn't straighten up right quick. 'Course there weren't as many orcs around back then. He took me right up to the gate and banged my head on it a couple of times to get his point across.
Frodo and Gollum: <stare slack-jawed>
Sam: He's kinda strict. I don't suppose we can go right up to the gate now... too many damned orcs.
Gollum: I told 'ee so!
Sam: <SQUEAK!>
Frodo: Well we have to go in, and this is the gate, so let's go.
Gollum: <SQUEAK!> No! He'll get the ring! The Dark Lord will kill us and eat up the world!
Frodo: Well, duh. That's obvious. The all-knowing Council told me to go to Mordor, so here I am... doing my job. All those big decisions are above my pay grade.
Ring: Yeah! He's just a hobbit, you know... not one of the "Wise".
Gollum: Ssssss! No master, don't give precious to Him! Keep it! Oh!! I'm getting a great idea here... give it to Smeagol!!
Ring: You wish!
[Frodo starts off toward the Gate with Gollum clinging to his leg]
Gollum: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Sam: I'm beginning to think he doesn't want us to go this way.
Frodo: <trying to shake Gollum off his leg> You don't have to go, sheesh!
Gollum: Not this way! <clutches chest, staggers and looks to heaven> Elizabeth! I'm comin' to meet you, honey!
Frodo: What the heck? Are you having a heart attack?
Gollum: <clutches chest and staggers and more> It's getting dark, Elizabeth!
Sam: <rolls eyes>
Frodo: Gollum, this is the only way.
Gollum: No it isn't! Smeagol knows another way!
Frodo: Another way?
Gollum: Yes yes!
Sam: What happened to the heart attack?
Gollum: Shut up, dummy!
Frodo: Gollum, Is this other way safe?
Gollum: Oh yes, very safe!
Frodo: Are you sure? Will you swear by the precious?
Gollum: <SQUEAK!> No, I mean it's not as dangerous. Safer!
Frodo: Are you sure?
Gollum: <SQUEAK!> Maybe!
Frodo: Don't you mean that it's very dangerous?
Gollum: All ways into the Black Land are dangerous!
Frodo: Does it involve trudging many miserable miles out of our way?
Gollum: Well actually, yes.
Frodo: Does it involve almost certain death?
Gollum: No! <SQUEAK!> Yes, yes! Terrible danger! Almost certain death! <grovel>
Ring (to Gollum): I can't believe I stayed with you so long... you are such a loser.
Gollum: Precioussss! <grovel grovel> <sob> gollum!
Frodo: Yep... you're a loser and you're never getting the ring back, so you might as well cut the "gimme" crap.
Ring: Ooooh! Manly!
Frodo: And one more thing, you miserable creep. If you piss me off you're going to be an extremely DEAD loser. Capeesh?
Gollum: Nice master! <grovel> <sob> gollum <grovel>
Sam: Da-yum!
Frodo: As far as this other way goes... I'm in the mood to trudge many miserable miles out of our way to an almost certain death. So... SADDLE UP!
(BunnieBugs)
Gollum: (whimper) gollum! (whimper, squeak! whimper) Nice master...
Frodo: (less harshly) There, there, Smeagol. Now, tell me about this other way.
Gollum: (mumble, whimper, squeak!)
Frodo: Aw, you're gonna have to do better than that!
Gollum: (squeak!) Nice master! Nice hobbitses... be nice to poor little Smeagol...
Sam: I think he's making the whole thing up about another way.
Gollum: gollum! No I'm not!
Sam: Then prove it!
Gollum: Poor Smeagol... We will try... Nice hobbits go with Smeagol to the road that turns west of Ephel Duath...
Sam: Ethel who?
Frodo: It's all right Sam, I understand him. Go on, Smeagol.
Gollum: We comes to a circle of treeses, with three roads. One road goes down to the river, one goes south all the way to the Great Water, and beyond, to very hot lands where hobbits would need very high SPF...
Frodo: What about the third road?
Gollum: Yess, the third road climbs up and up, winding toward the shadows, and when you see it, you'll want to hide...
Frodo: See it? See what?
Gollum: The old fortress. Since Sauron took it over, he's really let it go to pot. It's quite disturbing. And that tower has become such an eyesore...
Frodo: You mean Minas Ithil, that Isildur built?
Gollum: Yess... used to be quite the destination spot. Now you can't pay travellers to stay there. Such a shame!
But the road goes up past it, over a dark pass and down again, to Gorgoroth (shudder).
Sam: So the tower's empty?
Gollum: Oh, no, no. Not empty. Full of orcs, and much worse things. We've even heard there are... no, we just can't say it...
Frodo: Tell us! We need to know.
Gollum: (squeak!) No! It's too terrible!
Sam: Come on, out with it!
Gollum: All right, don't hurt nice Smeagol! They say that, living in there, there are... (whispers) Boy Bands.
Sam and Frodo: [GASP!]
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Sam was the first to recover from this scary revelation that the tower was harboring Boy Bands.
Sam: Gollum! So, you are recommending we are to tromp all around the countryside, march up to a tower, guarded by Orcs and Boy Bands... that seems a worse fix than what we are in right now!
Gollum: Ssssam! Noo you silly hobbitsss! You must understandsss. The Eye looks everywhere, but sssssome places more than otherssss. You ssseee hess gotsss control of that whole areassss, not expectingsss visitorsss that waysss...
Sam: You seem pretty up on Sauron's plans and things. You been frequenting the Mordor nightclubs... hangin' out with the flaming one? Dancing with his lashes eh? Maybe just shakin' your booty at his shades?
Gollum: Eh... er... Sam not sensible. Eyeballs can't dance. [glancing around]
Frodo: [whispering to Sam] He's doing the glancy eye thing...
Sam: [snork... whispering] Do you think he could tell a lie?
Frodo: [smirk]
Gollum: What? Smeagol has talked to Orcs, of course only in the re-hab clinics of Mordor... they sssay it is here in the North that big armies could come. And he is pretty sure the Boy Bands can keep anyone else out of the west.
Frodo: So, just out of curiosity Gollum... what happens when the Nazgirls visit The Moontower? I mean, really, Boy Bands surrounded by screaming Nazgirls... doesn't seem to work together... them being on the same team and all... Still, maybe we can just walk up and tell the Boy Bands we know how they feel, being chased all the time and they'll give us directions to escape, surely they know a few tricks?
Gollum: Teases... stop joking. Everyone knows the Boy Bands can break glass with their voicessss. Nazgirl screamsss send shivverrsss down sssspinesss, but Boy Bands voicess... too piercing... with the gyrating... and the coordinated dancing... too much for the eyessss. We can'tss askss them... we knowsss a short cutsss we do.
Sam: A short cut? Like our short cut to Mushrooms that nearly ended in disaster?
Frodo: [holds up hand to Sam] A short cut? Do tell?
Sam: [glares at Gollum]
Sting: [glower] I'll give you a short cut... how about a long one! Heh, heh, heh!
Frodo: [glares at Sting] Go on.
Gollum: Well, firssst there is a little path, then a sssstair, very scary and narrow... don't want to fall off... very narrow, and long... then after that [lowers voice to nearly inaudible] well, just a little tunnel and then [louder] POP! Out you are above the main passss! No prob!
Frodo: Sounds promising...
Sam: Sounds too easy... and stairs... I haven't used the stairmaster in years.. I hate stairs...
Gollum: Well, the path may not be there anymore... but perhaps.
Frodo: Isn't it guarded... and hey... how do you know about it... did you really escape or did you get a free pass from Mordor... Aragorn seemed to think you were let go just to torment the world.
Gollum: AAAAK... that liar... you think I have glancy eyes... [glances around] that sssstinky one... he lied! I escaped by my selves... searching... searching... not for fun... the precioussss... mine... [glower].
Frodo: Well, is it guarded? Cause I am sick of this conversation.
Gollum: Probably... yes... perhaps... but no safe placessss headed thissss way [pointing to Mordor] It's that way or the highway...
Odd Narrator: They could get no more out of the creature Gollum as he was very annoyed at being reminded of Aragorn, and would not tell them more. But had Frodo and Sam read the books they would have found that among many other unfamiliar names and places this particular one was called Cirith Ungol... a very icky and scary sounding name, which probably has some great historical and linguistical references to much impending doom, but as we aren't all scholarly here... well... now you know what to look for on the map.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Frodo stood for a while pondering his options. Yes I know he was all fired up and ready to go a minute ago, but he's been awfully moody lately. Now he seems unsure.
Frodo: Alright! I've decided what to do. I'm going to use my phone call.
Odd Narrator: Huh?
Frodo: It's in my contract. They screwed me on the stunt double thing but I put my foot down on this one. I get a phone call sometime during the story... and I want to use it now.
Odd Narrator: Okay... is that right? <consults with others off camera> Alright, I guess so! They say it's just one call.
Frodo: I know.
[Someone hands Frodo a cellphone from offstage. He dials, it rings]
Phone Voice: Halls of Mandos, how may I direct your call?
Frodo: I'd like to speak to Gandalf the Grey please.
Phone Voice: One moment. (pause) I'm sorry, He's checked out.
Frodo: What? Wait! Any idea where he went?
Phone Voice: Not really. I suppose you could try Lorien.
Frodo: Can you connect me?
Phone Voice: Hold please. (click/pause)
Melodic Phone Voice: Gardens of Lorien.
Frodo: Hello, this is Frodo Baggins, could I speak to Gandalf please?
Melodic Phone Voice: Oh, Frodo? Really? Ummmmm... He's not here, hon. Oh dear, let me connect you with his service. Can you hold? Oh, wait, I just want to say I think you're doing wonderfully... so brave and all!
Frodo (getting somewhat googly-eyed): Who is this?
Melodic Phone Voice: Umm... a friend of Olorin's. I'd better transfer you. Keep your chin up, sweetie! (click/pause)
Phone Voice (Not nearly so melodic): Gandalf the White's service. How may I help you?
Frodo: I'd like to speak to Gandalf please.
Phone Voice: May I ask who's calling?
Frodo: Frodo Baggins.
Phone Voice: Mr. Baggins? Hold please. (click/long pause)
Phone Voice: Mr. Baggins, I'm going to connect you with Gandalf's attorney, hold please (click/pause)
Attorney Voice: Hello Mr. Baggins, this is unexpected. May I ask where you're calling from?
Frodo: I'm just trying to reach Gandalf. I got transfefred to this number from Lorien. Can I speak to him?
Attorney Voice: I'm sorry, Mr. Baggins, but Gandalf is unavailable at this time.
Frodo: I'm not a reporter, sheesh! I just want to talk to him. Where is he?
Attorney Voice: I'm afraid I can't disclose that information.
Frodo: Say... there aren't any attorneys in the undying lands. Are you in Middle Earth?
Attorney Voice: Well, yes.
Frodo: So is Gandalf in the Undying Lands or here?
Attorney Voice: I'm not at liberty to discuss that at this time.
Frodo (getting annoyed): But it's important!
Attorney Voice: I'll transfer you to his voice mail then. (click/pause)
Frodo: Noo!
Gandalf's Voice: Hi, you've reached Gandalf the White. Please leave a message. If this is an emergency, press #0 for the operator.
Frodo: #0. (phone rings)
Phone Voice: Gandalf the White's service. How may I help you?
Frodo: Hello, ummmmmm... This is Elrond Halfelven. Could I speak to Gandalf please?
Phone Voice: Mr Baggins?
Frodo: No! Elrond! E-l-r-o-
Phone Voice: Mr Baggins, would you like to leave a message?
Frodo: I'm getting annoyed! Why can't I speak to him?
Phone Voice: I'm very very very very very very unable to help you, Mr Baggins.
Frodo: Alright, then! I'll leave a message. Tell him to go #@#*&!# his @$#&@ and @@#$&@# and then @#$@#% my !@#!#%@. And then he can @#$@#*& that @#$&@#@$ attorney up his @#$&!%!@!
Phone Voice: I'll make sure he gets that right away. Have a nice day. (click)
Frodo: AKK! [flings phone away]
[offstage voice: OW! Sheesh!]
Frodo: Oh sorry! <SIGH>
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: The day drew on as the three sat unmoving in the little grey hollow on the outskirts of Mordor. Wispy threads of smoke drifted lazily over the ruined landscape under the pale sky.
Sam: Got any eights?
Gollum: Ssssss! Eightses he wants, eightses he getsss! Cruel nasty Hobbtises! Takes all our eightses and leaves poor old Smeagol with none for his self! gollum!
Sam: Hush up you! I'm getting tired of your whining. Poor Smeagol this, cruel hobbitses that! Besides, you agreed to play by the rules.
Gollum: Yess, Smeagol promised he did, promised to play by the ruleses gollum! Nasssty, cruel ruleses they are, but we promised didn't we precious, yesss we promised!
Sam: Well, you are doing just... Whoa, did you feel that?
Gollum: Bogieses at threes o'clock! (curls up into a quivering mass of gollum)
Sam: (looking up see four black winged shape high up in the sky) Sigh. I am getting really tired of this! Oh, help-help. Fire, flood, famine,... (YAWN),... foe. Ooo, ahh, big black scary riders in the sky! Wanna play cards Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Hmm? Nah. Wanna make out?
Sam: Nah. Do you think the riders can see us? I mean with it being so light out and them so high up?
Frodo: Doubtful. But maybe those winged shadow things can see. Who knows. You're sure you don't want to make out?
Sam: Yeah, y'know Frodo, I've been meaning to...
Frodo: Hark!
Sam: Hark? What, are you kidding me?
Frodo: What is that?
Sam: Boy Band?
Frodo: I don't think so.
Hoarse voice: I don't know but I been told...
Many voices: I don't know but I been told...
Hoarse voice: Isengard orcs ain't got no soul!
Many voices: Isengard orcs ain't got no soul!
Sam: I think it's getting closer.
Frodo: Hush! They might hear us!
Sam: They're so close I can hear their teeth rotting!
Frodo: Awww, do you have to say stuff like that? Show a little decorum!
Sam: Okay, how about; they're so close I can hear their bowels moving?
Frodo: Not much better.
Sam: But I can, I swear, just now...
Gollum: Um, about that...
Frodo: Whoa, dude! What have you been eating?
Sam: Ack! Graufel! Sprack! Choke!
Gollum: My bad.
Frodo: Oh MAN! Gag!
Sam: MY EYES! MY EYES! Ach! Ssss! It burns us it does!!!
Gollum: Oh, come on, it's not THAT bad! Geeze!
Sam: (whimper)
Frodo: Next time why don't you step off a bit before letting go of one of those!
Gollum: It's really that awful?
Frodo: You have no idea. Why don't you go and see who was going by just now and give the air a chance to clear.
Gollum: (Sigh) Oh, okay. be back in a few.
Sam: Take your time.
Frodo: Are you alright Sam, you look a little pale?
Sam: I'll be okay. But that was a close one! My stars, if the Gaffer could have smelt that he'd have had a thing or two to say he would!
Frodo: Um, no offense Sam, but the Gaffer has ripped off a few eye-burners of his own.
Sam: What my Gaffer?
Frodo: Remember the great de-foliation of ot-six?
Sam: Are you saying... ?
Frodo: Sorry, but yeah. And then there was the fish-kill of '17.
Sam: I had no idea.
Frodo: Well, it's not the sort of thing the survivors like to bring up. It was a pretty dark business. Hey Gollum's back. So what did you find out?
Gollum: More men going to Mordor. Strange faces. We have not seen men like these before, no, Smeagol has not. They are scary. They have large, bulbous noses and many bright colors in their hair and great flopping feet and silly baggy clothes. Some have red paint on their faces and some are all white with great round buttons on their clothes. Not nice; very cruel wicked men they look. Almost as bad as mimeses and worse than orcses. And others too, worse than these, but Smeagol doesn't speak of them, no precious, not of THEM. gollum!
Frodo: Tell us Gollum, we need to know!
Gollum: Nice, master, master askesss us so we tell him so yess, Smeagol thinks he saw, gollum!, Smeagol thinks he saw... Carnies!
Frodo: Gasp!
Sam: Were there any Oliphaunts?
Gollum: No, no oliphaunts. What are oliphaunts?
(BunnieBugs)
Sam (singing):
Oh, I知 an Oliphaunt and I知 okay
My nose is long and my colour痴 grey
I break down trees
I shake the ground
I like to flap my ears
I知 bigger than a building
But ain稚 been seen in years
Oh, I知 an Oliphaunt and I知 okay
I知 from the South where it痴 hot all day
I stump around
I skip and jump
In leotards and tights
I love to dance the ballet
And give everyone the frights
Oh, I知 an Oliphaunt and I知 okay
My mouth has horns that get in the way
When I plié
Or pirouette
A partner I would pierce
Alas I must dance solo
For partners have grown sceerce
(Russ)
Sam: THAT is rhyme that we have in the Shire. Silly maybe, and maybe not. And we have our tales too, and Canadian sitcoms you know.
Gollum: What is he babbling about?
Frodo: Hell if I know. Do you have the cards?
Sam: AND of course there are the tales told by those Hobbits who went a-wandering. The few who returned that is. Most of them weren't believed. "News from Bree, inquiring minds want to know", as the sayings go...
Gollum: Sorry, they're still in Sam's pack. Dominoes?
Frodo: Sure. So Gollum, how did you wind up as a servant of the ring anyway?
Sam: ... we call'em Swertings in our tales; and they ride on oliphaunts, 'tis said, when they fight...
Gollum: Same old story, Gollum meets ring, Gollum likes ring, Gollum falls in love with ring, the usual. You?
Sam:... and they put towers and houses and all on their backs and...
Frodo: Yeah, pretty much the same deal. To tell you the truth, I wished I'd never laid eyes on the thing. If only my Uncle Bilbo had just kept it for his own, but noooooo! He had to go and foist it off on me. So here I am, stuck in Mordor, half under its power and all I really want to do is sit in front of the fire at my home in the Shire.
Gollum: I hear ya. Bilbo! What a piece of work THAT guy is!
Frodo: Tell me about it! You should have seen him in Rivendell!
Gollum: I'm not going anywhere.
Sam: ... and throwing rocks and stones and spears! Why my goodness! If there was ever...
Frodo: Oh, maybe later, I'm kinda tired out. I think I'm gonna take a nap. Sam is still rolling, he can have the first watch.
Gollum: Now THAT is what I call being a good master! But when old yellow face goes down, we're going to have to be quick and quiet.
Sam: ... with great jets of flame shooting out of their fifty foot trunks! Then, after they swallowed the Ocean and...
Frodo: G'night Gollum.
Gollum: G'night master.
Sam: ... then the sea parted and the whole host of them crossed it in safety and lived happily ever after until the end of their days. So you see, when you said men out of the south... Gollum? Frodo? Sigh.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The hobbits rested under the shadow of the stones, waiting for the nasssty Yellow Face to go away.
Frodo: Alright, one more try, okay? Here goes.
Sam: Ow, ow!
Frodo: Stop being a baby.
Sam: It's just... I'm not used to having anybody... well you know.
Frodo: I know, now just try to relax.
Sam: I'm trying!
Frodo: I can't do this if you keep squirming.
Sam: <whimper>
Frodo: Trust me... relax... almost... wait... oh yeah.
Sam: Ow ow ow ow ow...
Frodo: See, got it! <shows Sam the little piece of ash>
Sam: That little thing? Sheesh, it felt like I had a brick bat in my eye.
Frodo: Well it's out now. Feeling better?
Sam: Much, thank you Mr. Frodo. (YAWN) Good night... day... whatever.