(Idril)
Odd Narrator: Gollum lead the hobbits down into a gully and toward the dead marshes.
Gollum: Hobbits hurry up... sssss. Hobbits don't lollygag!
Odd Narrator: He seemed pleased when they came to a small stony stream and splashed along through it... singing to himself in a surprisingly melodic voice.
Gollum:
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.
I'm not sure all these people understand.
It's not like years ago,
The fear of getting caught,
of recklessness and water.
They cannot see me naked.
These things, they go away,
replaced by everyday.
Sam: <snort> That's not even humorous. Aren't you going to sing about fish?
Gollum: Smeagol sings what he pleases. If tricksy hobbit doesn't like it he can shove it!
Sam: Sheesh! Touchy!
Odd Narrator: They followed the stream as it wound it's way toward the marshes. When day approached, Gollum insisted that they stop.
Gollum: Day is near! We must hide from the yellow face.
Frodo: You shouldn't be afraid of the daylight, Gollum.
Gollum: Silly hobbits have never heard of UV rays? Melanoma? Sssss...
Frodo: <sigh> Oh well... we're tired anyway. Do you want to share some of our food?
Odd Narrator: That creepy green light grew in Gollum's eyes when Frodo said food.
Gollum: Oh yessss... we're hungry. Do hobbits have fish?
Frodo: No, just lembas... (offers one to Gollum)
Gollum: (sniffing) Achh! Nasty! Nuts... and wheat too! Do hobbits want us to swell up die? Smeagol has food allergies, doesn't he precioussss. Smeagol will have to starve!
Frodo: Hey, more for us!
Odd Narrator: The inconsiderate hobbits then proceeded to snarf down their lembas as Gollum watched them hungrily. They only had two Reeses peanut butter cups left and didn't want to share it with Gollum, so they kept those hidden for the moment.
Sam: Look! Fish!
Gollum: <turns quickly> Where?
F&S: <gobble gobble snarf>
Gollum: Hmmmm! <looks at them suspiciously>
Sam: Oh, it's gone now... you just missed it!
Odd Narrator: Gollum knew something un-fishy was going on... but could do nothing but go sit by himself and pout.
Sam: You know, promise or no promise I don't trust that villian. One of us should keep... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Frodo: You're probably... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Russ)
Sam: (Yawn) (scratches belly and looks around, day is drawing to a close and the sun is low on the horizon and Gollum is gone.)
Sam: Oh no! If the Gaffer were here he'd say, "Sam Gamgee", he'd say, "you thick-headed, half-witted, feeble-minded, lame-brained. . ."
Gollum: Pray continue.
Sam: Hey now, what are you doing?
Gollum: Jussst thought I'd pop out for a quick bite, care to join?
Sam: No and why are you talking like that?
Gollum: Dear me, well that is your loss. I have it on the highest of authority that the chef at Chez Mordor has a simply marvelous Creme-Broulee! And as for the change in my diction, you may attribute it to the dualistic nature of my character. I am quite a complex individual you know! Well, I must be off. Creme-Broulee waits for no man. Ta!
Sam: Ta? Dualistic? Boy, that Gollum sure has a way with words. I wish my Webster's was here.
Frodo: (awakening) Sam? Who were you talking to? And where is Gollum?
Sam: It was Gollum that I was talking to.
Frodo: No s***!
Sam: I swear! You would never have believed it! He was using words like dualistic and Creme-Broulee.
Frodo: Wow, he sure has a way with words.
Sam: My thought's exactly!
Frodo: What time is it?
Sam: (checking his watch) Hmm. My watch seems to have stayed broken. Stupid script! Pretty near or just past sundown I reckon. But with these screenwriters you just never know. Gollum went off to find something to eat.
Frodo: Oh well, he'll be back.
Sam: How can you be so sure?
Frodo: (pulls out copy of TTT) See, it says right here in the book.
Sam: Oh yeah. But this is a parody. What if those yokels with the keyboards forget to bring him back?
Frodo: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that either, the possibilities for silliness with Gollum's character are endless.
Sam:(snicker) yeah, and they are a silly bunch of. . .
[POP! Sam mysteriously transforms into a purple hog with yellow polka dots, horns, pitchfork and pointed tail]
Frodo: HOLY CRAP!
Sam: . . .Huh? YIKES! I mean that they are some very nice folk, real salt of the earth if you take my meaning!
[nothing happens]
Sam: Um. . .And GOOD LOOKING TOO, oh yes, a handsomer bunch of folks one could never meet anywhere!
[POP! Sam mysteriously returns to his normal self]
Frodo: Whew! Well, um, don't be too hard on yourself Sam, it's not your fault if you fell asleep, um... you were dead tired. But we are both rested now, and we have a long road ahead! The worst road of all! I dunno, it must be a side effect of the ring.
Sam: How did you know I was asleep, I haven't told you yet? Hey. . .
Ring: Snork!
Sam: This is getting creepy! I wish that old Gollum would get back!
Frodo: I don't know, we were miserably delayed in the hills.
Sam: So how long do you think the food will last? Do we have enough... Now cut that out!
Ring: (giggle!)
Frodo: Oh Sam, my dearest, sweetest, snookie-wookie, snoogle-woogums, friendest of friends, bravest of hobbits!
Ring: What about me? i want to be your snookie-wookie too!
Sting: Put a sock in it!
Rope: Yeah, besides, they're mine! I called it first!
Ring: Did not!
Rope: Did too!
Sting: Knock it off!
Ring: What are you gonna do about it? GLOW on me!
Sting: (fume!)
Frodo: Be quiet all of you! Can't you see that Sam and I are having a tender moment here?
Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo, we have been here before I think and if you'll remember back in Rivendell. . .
Frodo: Now Sam, It's me, Frodo, you can drop the act with me!
Sam: Really sir, I't not that you are unnattracitve as hobbits go, but,
Frodo: Here, take my hand.
Sam: Really, I'd rather not.
Frodo: C'mon Sam you know you want to.
Sam: Honest Mr. Frodo sir, I'm just not swingin' that way any more! If you take my meaning. Sorry.
Frodo: Hold me Sam! Hold me till worlds ending or death take me!
Sam: OH! I see what's happening now! It's the power of the ring!
Ring: No way baby, this little episode is all hairfoot!
Sam: Gulp! Now what? What can I do? Where will I go? WHO WILL SAVE ME NOW?
Rope: I'm here huckleberry.
Frodo: Yessss!
Sam: Sigh.
(Idril)
[Frodo and Sam are distracted by the sounds of a scuffle off camera.]
Frodo: <sigh> The screenwriters are at it again.
Sam: Man, they fight dirty.
[scuffle thud]
Frodo: Ow! That's gotta hurt.
Sam: Are you all done yet?
Off-camera voice: Yes! <new pages are passed to the hobbits, who read them and continue>
(merithehobbit)
Frodo: Weird! Sam... all of a sudden I feel normal again, well tired and weak, but not... you know not all [whispers].
Sam: Well, Halle-freeekin-luujah!
Frodo: I think it's the ring...it changes me at the oddest times. [pauses, looks and sees lots of dots] These new pages... [kicks a lump of mud] We're going to have to follow the book...and do lots of run on sentences...with lots... and lots... of pauses!
Sam: Do you think I'll get to kill Gollum... where has he gone?
Gollum: Hi ho...Cheers my lads! [sucking his teeth, and digging the back molars with a toothpick]
Ring: AAAAAGGGGHHHH! Oh...sheesh! Gollum, stop being so sneaky! You scared the crap out of me!
Frodo: [snerk] Like you have crap?
Sam: [snicker][giggle][snerf]
Odd Narrator: So the hobbits and Gollum were rested and at least Gollum had something in his belly, for the Hobbits followed him by the sounds of his digestive system gurgling away ahead of them. They walked a strange and curved path, down to a more earthy area, followed by lots of walking in scary hissing dry reeds making creepy noises, even though there was no wind. And as the hobbits followed they talked of just a few things.
Sam: This is sooo creepy... why can't we just go somewhere that has normal roads and inns?
Frodo: Because, my faithful friend, we are going to the most disgusting place... to our deaths...sigh...I hope we all die together.
Sam: Frodo! Stop it right now...no more suicidal thoughts...Okay?
Frodo: [looking downcast] Well, Okay.
Sam: You know there are medical personnel on the set, do you think you need something... to get you through this depressive state you are in?
Frodo: I'm not depressed, though I am tired all the time, lost interest in the things I love, feel detached, not myself lately.
Sam: You're just in denial. You need some Prozac! You know it is just a chemical imbalance... nothing to be ashamed of. I am on it, and it really helps!
Frodo: You're on Prozac? Really?
Sam: Of course, how do you think I stay so danged optimistic all the time?
Frodo: HOLY COW [holds nose] What is that smell?
Sam: [PHHEEWWIE] [looks around and sees the swampy, scary, dankness ahead of them.] What the heck is that?
Gollum: What issss what?
Frodo: That?
Sam: SMELL!
Gollum: We ssssmell nothing...the air is sssssssweet...[sniffs deeply] fragrent even.
Frodo: I am going to hurl, this is the most disgusting thing ever...
Sam: Wait a minute...you brought us to the Bog of Eternal Stench?
Gollum: Well, ssssome call it that, we thinks it is quite niccccce! The sssssmell is formaldehyde if you really want to know, that and rotting plant life, molds, sssssspores, many fungi, and the rotting of lots of really disgusting things that are so fasssssssscinating! I love coming here on vacationsssssssss!
Frodo: Formaldehyde? Wow, didn't now putredness had a name.
Odd Narrator: [holding a kerchief to his nose] Uh... some one bring me a barf bag? Thanks... alright our heroes are tromping through the Bog of Eternal Stench, otherwise known as the Dead Marshes, instead of being normal and walking on the road off to the North East.... uh... hold on...[yyyaaaaaaackkkkk] Ugh... alright. Where was I. Pretty soon it was all misty, dark, scary, and the air itself seemed black and heavy. Suddenly Sam started seeing lights all around him.
Sam: What the...[rubbing his eyes] did someone spike the punch in the greenroom?
Gollum: Nope, that just happensssssses. We thinkssss it is too much fumesssss from the formaldehyde... there is a lot of it in the Marshessss. Dontssess looksss at the lightssssess. Wheressssss Masssssster?
Sam: D'oh?
Odd Narrator: Scrambles back the way he came in a frantic, and nervous bumbling until he sees Frodo standing and staring at the lights, with goo all over his hands.
Sam: Frodo? [waves hand in front of Frodo's face] Earth to Frodo? Don't look at the lights, Gollum says he has been here for vacation and that we shouldn't look at them.
Frodo: Huh... Oh...Well, he must know then. Coming.
Sam: He says the fumes make the lights all...[trip...fall...squishy SPLAT] EEEEEEEEWWWWWW! Gross... I don't think this smelly slime will ever come off...do you think we will smell like this for the rest of our lives?
Odd Narrator: Oh, now this is just gross...what was Tolkien... Oh.. ahem...Looking into the mud in which he fell Sam suddenly jumped up startled. He had stared into a bit of bog, and thought he saw something.
Sam: AAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKK!! There's dead things... I see DEAD PEOPLE! AAAKKK! How did I end up in the "Sixth Sense" again!
Frodo: Now that was a scary movie... but it is just Meri writing, remember... besides, I saw them too.
Gollum: Itssss alright... thisss isssss called the Dead Marshhessssss for a reassssssson. Itssssss jussstt Hisssss place to keep the bodiesssss of the dead preserved!
Frodo: Now that is disgusting.
Sam: Man, I guess Sauron is more twisted than I thought.
(Idril)
[slog slog slip slime slog]
Frodo: Ugh! I hate this chapter! It started out nice like I was going to get a cuddle... now it stinks.
Sam: I definitely don't want a cuddle now... ugh.
Frodo: I hope the others have found a safer route... or at least one that's strawberry-scented. I wonder what they're doing now?
Sam: Me too. Hey Stink Guy!
Stink Guy: Don't call me that!
Sam: Hello! It's your job to follow us with a large canister filled with stink and spray it around, correct?
Stink Guy: Well yes.
Sam: Thus the moniker "Stink Guy"! So, what are the others up to today?
Stink Guy: <simmer> I'll check. <speaks into radio> Hey Tom, what's the unit 1 cast doing today?
Radio: <ssshh> They finished up thru Chapter 11 so they're off. I think the hobbits went surfing with Legolas. <ssshh>
Stink Guy: Roger! <to Sam> The other guys are dead. So sorry.
Sam: Don't even try that, Stink Guy. I can hear the radio from here.
Stink Guy: <spray>
Sam: AKK! <hurl>
Frodo: <holding nose> They're at the beach? <MOAN>
Gollum: <sniffing> Come along hobbits, or you'll get little boards and surf with the corpses.
Sam: Oh that's a bad one.
Gollum: This way!
Frodo: Hey! How come we're not unit 1?
[slog slog slip slime slog]
Odd Narrator: They finally reached firmer ground, but Gollum grew more and more uneasy.
Gollum: Smeagol is uneasy.
Sam: I'll alert the media.
Odd Narrator: Suddenly...
Winged Nazgul: screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaamm!
Odd Narrator: And the...
Frodo: <shudder>
Sam: <shiver>
Gollum: <cower>
Odd Narrator: And...
Corpse Lights: We're off!
Odd Narrator: Gollum...
Gollum: <cower!> <gibber!>
Wind: <blow> <freeze>
Clouds: We're off too! <break> <shred>
Moon: Hi y'all!
Gollum: Akk! <grovel>
Air: <freshen>
Frodo: Hey, the moon! Cool!
Odd Narrator: HALT!
Winged Shape: What?
Odd Narrator: I'M doing the winged shape!
Winged Shape: <sigh>
Odd Narrator: Do you have a problem with that?
Winged Shape: No... go right ahead. I'll be here if you need me.
Odd Narrator: Alright then, ahem. Then Frodo and Sam saw a great winged shape loosed like an dart from the Dark Land. It flew across the face of the moon... casting an ominous shadow over their hearts. With a great cry it flew westward. They fell to the muddy ground, but to their horror the shape wheeled and passed close overhead... so close that they could hear the slow flapping of the ghastly leathery wings. The foul shape then passed back toward Mordor, leaving them stunned and dismayed.
Frodo: I don't think that was a Nazgirl.
Gollum: Noooo! Spectres! Spookies! SSSSSSSSS... Hercs! Akk! You can run but you'll only die tired!
Sam: You mean?
Gollum: Yes! Wraiths pilot them... their electronics are tuned to the ring! Curse the white face! They see everything... and show video to Him! He knows! gollum, gollum
Odd Narrator: Then Gollum curled up into a fetal position, stuck his thumb in his mouth and refused to move. Since Frodo and Sam didn't know the way and definitely didn't want to carry him, they had to wait for him to rouse again when the moon finally set behind the western hills.
Gollum: <to himselfses> White Face is gone now. We must go. Sssss... why are hobbits rolled up in one blanketses? They don't offer to share with Smeagol!
Frodo: Oh baby!
Sam: <MOAN> <rustle>
Frodo: That's so good!
Sam: Oh yeah!
Gollum: <tugging at blanket> What are hobbits doing in there?
F&S: <sitting up quickly> Nothing!
Gollum: What's that on faces?
F&S: Nothing!
Gollum: <discovering empty wrapper> Chocolateses!! SSSSSSS! Tricksey! Sneaking munchables while poor starving Smeagol hides from the White Face!
Sam: <indignant> Well we DID carry it all the way from Lothlorien.
Frodo: Yes, it IS ours. And... ummmm... you won't eat the lembas so why should you get dessert?
Sam: Uh yeah... good point.
Gollum: <sniff> gollum Poor Smeagol! Time to go, wicked, selfish hobbits.
Odd Narrator: The next stage of the journey was not at all pleasant or humorous. So let's skip it.
Sam: No you won't!
Odd Narrator: Well this is a parody, the audience doesn't want to hear about depressing stuff.
Sam: Yes they do.
Odd Narrator: But...
Idril: Sam, do you want us to trivialize Frodo's struggle and misery?
Sam: No! But you oughtn't just skip it, that's not right either.
Frodo: The ring is getting heavy. I'm tired.
Ring: Nice evening, isn't it! Man am I feeling good!
Gollum: Preciousssss... nice precioussss.
Idril: Well this is difficult. Why don't you stop and have a cuddle while I think of how to write this?
Ring: Frodo doesn't feel like having a cuddle.
Frodo: I don't feel like having a cuddle. I'd better keep going or I'll just lay down and die.
Idril: Alright, then. Sheesh you guys are tough!
Sam: Mr Frodo! What's wrong?
Frodo: It's the Eye yonder. I feel like I'm walking into a blast furnace.
Gollum: Wicked Eye looking for precioussss.... nice precioussss.
Sam: Well you walk ahead of me so I can keep an... ummm... I mean so that I can watch you.
[trudge trudge trudge]
Frodo: Oh, this is horrible.
Sam: How horrible?
Frodo: Really horrible.
Sam: As horrible as Regis?
Frodo: More.
Sam: Kathy Lee Gifford?
Frodo: More.
Sam: Gwinneth Paltro's Oscar dress?
Frodo: Your getting there.
Sam: Sylvester Stalone in "Rhinestone"?
Frodo: No! Not that bad.
Sam: Oh, poor master!
Frodo: Idril, if I survive this, you are so fired.
Idril: Sorry, I'm doing the best I can here! At least you're not skipping along marrily.
Sam: She does have a point.
Frodo: Is she making you say that?
Sam: No, really.
Idril: Thanks Sam, really!
Sam: Look, a large bag of M&Ms! Cool!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: After five days of walking in stinky, filthy marshes, under the burning power of the Eye at nearby Mordor, having the crap scared out of them by dead people in formaldehyde, and following the strange wanderings of a schizophrenic green thing, Frodo and Sam halted in the dawn of a new day.
Frodo: Dang!
Sam: What? Is it the scary view of the desolation that lies between us and Mordor?
Frodo: No, we're out of M&M's.
Sam: You're kidding? Gollum...have you been pilfering the M&M's?
Gollum: Noooo... Nasssssty chocolatesssss...make's usssss ssssicck.
Frodo: It was probably, me. I keep feeling strange and burdened, and well, hungry. [smiles sheepishly] They give me energy. But now, they're all gone!
Sam: I feel sick!
Frodo: Sorry Sam... I didn't mean to eat them all.
Sam: Noooo. Not that. Look out there...I thought the Marshes were gross and scary! This place makes it look like a garden.
Gollum: Niccce placcccce Marsssshess.. Let'ssss go backsssess, awayss from him...safesss with the dead tricksy candlesses, and the Bog of Eternal Stenchsss.
Frodo: Eeeew, now you remind me..uh...no. Let's go find a pit of despair instead.
Sam: Well, if we walk some more in the clouds and smoke, and gasping pits and poisonous mounds we may be able to find place to hide out, maybe a pit of despair, if we're lucky...for the sun is rising and we can be seen for miles!
Frodo: Yep...sounds like a plan.
[trudge, stumble, trip, walk, trudge, trudge, flippity-flop]
Sam: Well, here's as good a pit as any. At least it is a little shadow under this slag... let's rest.
Frodo: [cough] Ok...[slump]
Gollum: [crouch][cough][sniffle]
Sam: [cough]
Frodo: [gag]
Gollum: [hack]
Frodo: [uggghh wheeze]
Sam: [clears throat]
Gollum: [sputter]
Sam: [cough]
Frodo: [clears throat, and puts cloak up to his mouth]
Sam: [cough]
Gollum: [hack]
Sam: [looking at Frodo] Good idea...cough.[puts his cloak up]
Gollum: [sputter] Fricken, schmicken, grumble and @%#$$#!, fricken....***##$, schmicken...#*%$*#, holy #*#*@, the MORDOR....#*&%,[gets up and crawls away]
Frodo: Wow, I didn't think he had such a broad cursing vocabulary.
Sam: Who knew? Well... let's crawl after him... maybe it won't be so fumy! Cough.
Odd Narrator: The pathetic trio crawled to a wide circular pit with a high lip to the West, which was convenient because the bad guys were that way. This pit was oily and icky with something at the bottom only describable as ooze. There they cowered all day, trying to ignore their thirst and hunger and that reeking smell that was their own clothes and bodies.
Frodo: I'll take a turn watching for bad guys.
Sam: OK...doze....zzzzzzzzzzz
Frodo: Hmmm... lookie clouds in the sky... more like wisps... lets see. There's a unicorn...no...a Black Rider...eewww...Okay...there's a face, reminds me of Strider...no...an Orc...ewww. Hmmm. Over there it looks like a tree, noooooo it's a spear! How about that wisp. Hmmm could be Tom Bombadil...if I just look that a way...nope.. it is another Barrow Wight! Grrr... well, how about that...looks nice, like a little hobbit hole...AAAA...Boromir! Oh forget it...I am taking a nap!
Odd Narrator; Sam was sleeping, and now so was Frodo... and the day passed until Sam dreamed he had heard his master talking and....uh...[pssst] PJ...gotta go...you know? [gets up and leaves, first walking funny, then running full out to the men's room.]
PJ: Whoa... get a new Narrator in here pronto. Odd just decided to take a few. And somebody go get some him some Immodium or Pepto or something... [whewww!]
(Silarien)
Twilight Shift Narrator: Sam woke up and saw Gollum kneeling alongside Frodo. Then he heard Gollum talking quietly to himself.
Smeagol: [pale eyes] I promised.
Gollum: [green eyes] Well I didn't. What the heck you think thesse guyss are planning?
Smeagol: Cut the speech defect. There's only us two listening.
Gollum: Oh, okay. Well, are they handing Precious to the big HE, or what?
Ring: Ooo, yes please.
Smeagol: Recount, three. I don't think the Master would do that.
Gollum: So what IS the plan then, Softypants? We wonders ...
Ring: Indeed we do.
Smeagol: How would I know, Fishface? Whatever, I said I'd help the Master. He took the nasty rope off me.
Rope: Er no. He took the nasty Gollum off me.
Smeagol: Four.
Gollum: If I get Precious back, I'll be Master and you can help ME, Crybaby. No need to hurt the hobbit ... much.
Sting: You hurt either of them, I'll bite you both.
Smeagol: Five. DO YOU MIND? This is a private conversation. So, Dimplebrain, we get the ring and the big HE gets us.
Gollum: Scaredycat. Scaredycat. I'm gonna be the big HE, Gollum the Gargantuan Fish Gobbler.
Smeagol: Not if I poke you in the eye [SPLAT]
Gollum: Ouch!
Smeagol: Ouch!
Gollum: I WANT MY PRECIOUSSSSS.
Smeagol: Keep it down. You'll wake them. We can't do anything yet. We're outnumbered five to two.
Gollum: How about Plan B then? The gal with the most beautifu... Er, with the most legs.
Smeagol: Nooooooooooooooo.
Gollum: Quit wailing, Sissy ... Oh, look at that. I never noticed the Master had a big, hairy wart on his neck.
Smeagol: Does he? Where? I can't see it.
Gollum: [pointing] There.
Smeagol: EEEEEEEWWWWWWW.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: As Sam watched this debate, he noticed Gollum's hands as they would creep toward Frodo and then be snatched back suddenly. It occurred to him that it might not be just the M&M's that he was after. Gollum wanted the Ring.
Ring: Well, who doesn't? I mean, just look at me...
Odd Narrator: Ooh, smooth and shiny, cool and... mmmm... wha? Hey! Cut it out! I wasn't done yet. (mumble, mumble) Sam wondered who the "She" was that Gollum mentioned, but he was distracted by the need to save Frodo from those clutching fingers...
Sam: (yawn, stretch) What's for breakfast?
Gollum: ssssss... (draws back, eyes flash green and then go pale) Nice hobbits, dreaming of nassty ssausages? No sausages hiding here. Silly sleepy heads! Nice Smeagol keeps watch... doesn't touch pretty tastiess...
Sam: Mind your tongue! Don't you talk about Mr. Frodo that way!
Gollum: We only meant the candies. Yess, ssweet candiess...
Sam: Well, just mind yourself, anyway. (to himself) Candies! I'll give him candies! Maybe he'll choke on 'em... (aloud) Mr. Frodo? Sir? It's time to be going...
Frodo: Hmm? Oh... Sam. Gosh, I feel great! I was having a dream... Oh! (turns beet red) I was dreaming about... you know...
Sam: The Shire?
Frodo: No...
Sting: Me?
Frodo: No!
Rope: Me?
Frodo: Not even!
Ring: Me?
Frodo: Definitely not!!
Sam: Care to give us a hint, sir?
Frodo: (flustered) Er... it's a pretty private thing, Sam...
Sam: Oh! Gardening!
Frodo: Oh, never mind, Sam. Let's just say that I feel I've been relieved of a lot of pent-up tension and leave it at that.
Gollum: (frollicking at Frodo's feet) Nice masster, relaxed and ready to roll?
Frodo: Yes, Smeagol. You've been a terrific guide. If we make it through this alive, you really should look into it as a career!
Gollum: You think so?
Frodo: Absolutely! Now, take us to the Gate!
Gollum: [SQUEAK] Heh, heh! Silly Smeagol! Thought nice master said the Gate...
Frodo: But I did say the Gate!
Gollum: Ha, ha! Master makes funny joke. He gots us!
Frodo: No, I really meant it...
Gollum: Nice hobbit says Gate, but perhaps has not considered the Curtain? Or maybe what's behind Door Number Three?
Sam: No! No deal! He said Gate, and he means Gate! So let's get on with it!
(Russ)
Odd narrator: And so once more the three struck out across the dead and rotting land. Suddenly a great fear fell upon them when a. . .
Winged Shape: Winged Shape?
Odd Narrator: . . .swept over the marshes. Okay, GO!
Winged Shape: YAHHHHHOOOO! (sweep) Thanks.
Odd narrator: Don't mention it.
Sam: What the hell was that?
Frodo: Another one of those winged shapes.
Sam: Man I just Hate those things!
Gollum: Gollum!
Frodo: Okay, all clear. Let's go everyone.
Odd narrator: And so once again... um, again, they set out across that foul smelling, foetid, reeking, stinking, malodorus...
Frodo: Okay, that's enough.
Odd narrator: ... putrid, stench-ridden, rancid...
Frodo: I said...
Odd Narrator: ...gamey, purulant, putrified...
Frodo: HEY!
Odd Narrator: Sorry. Well, it smelled really, really bad. Around 1 a.m. there came over them once again, a fear as if some fell winged shape were once again passing over them.
Frodo: Aw, did ya have ta...
Gollum: (collapses to the ground in fear) gollumgollumgollumgollumgollumgollum...
Frodo: Aw crud, I was afraid of this.
Gollum: gollumgollumgollumgollumgollumgollum...
Sam: Well it had to happen sooner or later, the poor devil has been teetering on the edge for a long time now.
Gollum: gollumgollumgollumgollumgollumgollum...
Frodo: Yeah, but not now, not HERE! C'mon Gollum, up you go, let's get moving!
Gollum: gollumgollumgollum. . .NO gollumgollum...
Frodo: Don't make me do it!
Gollum: gollumgol. . .Um, do what exactly?
Frodo: You know, IT!
Gollum: You wouldn't dare!
Frodo: Try me!
Gollum: But that was the third time they did one of those flyovers! They KNOW we are here! They sense the precious! We cannot go any further this way! It's no use I tell ya! No Use! NO USE! NOOOOOO! UUUUUUSSSSSE! WE'RE DOOOOOOOMED!!!!
Sting: Ahem.
Gollum: (squeak)
Frodo: Gollum?
Gollum: Okay, okay, this way, but you are making a BIG mistake!
Odd Narrator: And so we leave our heroes stumbling along through the dead and stinking land, heads bowed, hearing nothing, seeing nothing, thinking nothing, doing nothing.
WHAT will happen NEXT?
WILL Frodo find his way into Mordor?
WILL The ring make it to the Cracks of Doom?
WILL Frodo find a nice hobbit woman and settle down or go for the dark side instead?
FOR the ANSWERS to these and other questions, stay tuned to this station for the next chapter in our saga. . .
THE BLACK GATE IS CLOSED!
Gate: Why is it all the BAD gates are always black? How come there can't be any GOOD black gates and BAD white gates? It's just not fair!