Sting: Well do ya bitch?
Shelob: SSSSSSSSSsssssssss!!!! (Takes a step, er, eight steps, away)
Sam: Gabardine Oh Morningbreath! (advances on Shelob)
Shelob: You're bluffing!
Sam: You just try me!
Sting: You GO boy!
Sam: (whipping out vial)
Here I come, gonna whip your ass!
Get a load of the light from
The Lovely Lady's glass!
Hey-hey I'm the Sambone!
I like to laugh and sing and play!
But you tried to mangle my master
The time has come for you to pay!
Hey-hey I'm the. . .
Shelob: Gotta go now, bye!
[exit Shelob, slinking away]
Sam: Sambone! (snicks off a bit of spider toe) HA! AND STAY OUT!
Sting: Nice work Boneman! Take five, smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Sam: Yes, I think I'll just... (thud)... sit for a minute.
Sam: (looks at Frodo) Oh crap.
Odd Narrator: Sam crawled back to where Frodo lay pale and cold in the pathway. He cut the spider's binding cords and tried to rouse his master, calling his name and chafing his hands. But Frodo did not stir nor breath, and though Sam listened for a long while he could hear no flutter of a heartbeat. Sam wept. To his horror Frodo's skin seemed to glow green with the spider's venom.
Sam: Noooo! This can't be happening. Mr. Frodo! No!
Odd Narrator: Then he felt an overwhelming rush of anger and stood with his fists clenched.
Sam: (singing to the tune of Alanis Morresette's "You Oughta Know")
I want you to know, I can't believe you're gone
I wish nothing but for it to be me instead
Did you forget about me
You were running so free
I should have known we didn't beat that web spinner.
Gollum lost our debate
But by then I was too late
I just bugged her in the middle of dinner
'Cause the love that I gave couldn't save
couldn't save you it wasn't enough to help in this Nameless Land, no
And every time I call your name
Do you know how I told you I'd follow
Until I died, 'til I died
But I'm still alive!
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess I'm in now you've gone away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you left for me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very still, asleep so peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
I wasn't given this task
How could they possibly ask
How can I leave you right here in the Shadow
Please just let me know how
How can I stay with you now
You know you've taken a road I can't follow
'Cause the love that I gave couldn't save
couldn't save you it wasn't enough to help in this Nameless Land, no
And every time I call your name
Do you know how I told you I'd follow
Until I died, 'til I died
But I'm still alive!
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess I'm in now you've gone away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you left for me
You, you, you oughta know!
Odd Narrator: And as the rocks echoed with his last cry Sam threw his hood over his head and fell into a black dream.
[some timeless time later]
Sting: Hey Sam.
Sam: What? What's the time?
Sting: Hell if I know. Listen, you can't stay here forever. You need to do something.
Sam: Why can't I?
Sting: Is that what you want? Orcs will come soon.
Sam: I know. This sucks.
Sting: True.
Sam: I'll have to take the ring and go on without him. Otherwise all we've done is deliver it to the Dark Lord's doorstep.
Sting: True.
Sam: But I'm not the right one to do it. I come from a class-conscious society. If I tried to do something heroic my Gaffer would smack me for being uppity. I'm no wizard or prince, nor kin to the Old Took. Why me?
Sting: Well apparently in this parody grubbiness is a measure of aristocracy. With all those cobwebs in your hair, I'd stack you against old Strider today.
Sam: <weeps>
Sting: Sorry, bad time for a joke.
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: Hey, can I get a flashlight over here? All this dark and gloom, I can't see a thing. Oh, thank you. [click] That's better.
Flashlight: And so, dear devoted Sam continued to sit in the looming darkness, and pondered what to do.
Odd Narrator: Thanks Flashy.
Flashlight: No problem.
Darkness: Loom, loom, hang
Sam: Sure wish I had that white board from the Council.
Aneya: Aw. You've had it rough. Here. [pulls out white board from behind her back] I snagged it just for you.
Sam: You're so nice. But, Idril and Meri gave me M&Ms. [gives puppy dog eye look]
Aneya: Ummm. I don't care for M&Ms, so how's about a piece of Red Velvet Cake?
Sam: Hooray! Mmmm...velvety goodness.
Director: AHEM!!!!!!! Cue the darkness again.
Darkness: LOOM, LOOM, HANG!!!!!!
Flashlight: OKAY!! Moving on...So now with board in tow, Sam began to outline his choices.
Sam: Let's see. [licks fingers] What are my options? Hey, good thing Bilbo taught me my letters! I KNEW I'd want the learning if I hadn't gotten it!
- Find Gollum and make him suffer a horribly gruesome and torturous death.
- Jump into a big hole of darkness.
- Go on to the Cracks of Doom, alone, by myself, alone and by myself.
Okay, 2 is out...I'm not stupid. Umm, option 1...[begins to laugh maniacally]
MWAAHHAAAAHAAAAAA DEATH TO THE VILE CREATURE! MWAHAHAHAHA
Sting: Hey, Dude! You're starting to scare me.
Phial: MEEP!
Galadriel: [at mission control] HA!! I knew the boy had it in him!
Sam: [choke, wheeze] Nah! Although that would be most enjoyable, [evil grin] I know what I must do. [sigh] Take the Ring to the Cracks of Doom it is.
Ring: Awright, Sammy!! That's it; take me closer to my master. PICKMEUPPICKMEUPICKMEUPPICKMEUP
Sam: [picks up mud with his fingers and smears it as war paint on his face] This means WAR!!! I'll take you all right, Mr. Ring. Then I'll give you the hottest strawberry bath you've NEVER dreamed of!!
Ring: [squeak] DADDY!
(Idril)
Sam: Well I'm gonna go then! I don't need you, Mr. Frodo <sob>. I'll go on without you! I don't need anything except this Ring of Power (he takes the Ring from Frodo) and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. <sob> I don't need this old sword. Just this ring. And this elvish blade.
The ring and the elvish blade and that's all I need. <sniff> And this magic phial.
The ring, the elvish blade and the magic phial, and that's all I need. And these packs of lembas.
The ring, <hiccup> and these packs of lembas, and the magic phial and the elvish blade. And this rope.
The ring, this elvish blade and the magic phial and the rope and that's all I need. <sob> And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The elvish blade, and this water bottle, and the magic phial, and the lembas, for sure.
Ring: <sigh> Oh good grief!
Sam: Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And these! And that's all I need. The ring, the magic phial, the elvish blade, these pans and this water bottle.
[Sam shuffles off toward the crest of the pass]
Sam: And I don't need one other thing except my dog. <looks around> Oh crap, I don't have a dog.
(BunnieBugs)
Odd Narrator: As Sam headed up into the Cleft, he came to a long flight of shallow steps, with the orc-tower right in front of him.
Sam: Criminey, more steps! At least they're not steep. That red eye in the tower sure gives me the heebie-jeebies... Well, at least I've finally made up my mind. Or have I? Sure I have. But then again...
Ring: Dude, could you BE any more wishy-washy?
Sam: Shut up, I'm trying to think!
Ring: 'Trying' being the operative word, here...
Sam: Dang! No wonder Frodo acted so weird sometimes! You are SO annoying! Frodo... (sniff) poor master... Am I doing the right thing? Aw, nuts! Eenie, meenie, minie, mo... how's that thing go again? Rats! Um... One tater, two tater, three tater, four...
[Sam stops just short of the summit, and looks back.]
Sam: (sigh) Somewhere back there is poor Mr. Frodo. Maybe he's that glowing blob over there... or maybe I'm just hallucinating because of the severe stress... (takes a few slow steps toward the summit) Must... go... on...
Odd Narrator: Suddenly there were voices before and behind him. Sam froze, listening to the cries and stomping of orcs coming toward him.
Sam: The jig is up! My goose is cooked... marinated, trussed up and roasted! What'll I do? What'll I do?
Ring: (whistles nonchalantly)
Sam: D'oh! (puts on the Ring) Whoa, this is spacey... like swimming in a grey fog... but... Yikes! I can hear everything. And I mean everything! And I somehow feel completely exposed and naked...
Ring: [snicker]
Sam: Mercy! Here come the orcs... I-hope-they-don't-see-me-I-hope-they-don't-see-me-I-hope-they-don't-see-me... Yay! They don't see me! Then how come I still feel like hiding?
Odd Narrator: The orcs from the tunnel and the orcs from the tower spotted each other. Listening, Sam could understand their speech, though he didn't know why.
Ring: Isn't it obvious? I'm a Universal Speech Translator. Only one of my many talents!
(Russ)
Shagrat: Que pasa! Gorbag! What are you doing up there?
Gorbag: Was geschiet! Shagrat! Orders you three toed, squinty eyed son of a marmot! And what are YOU doing here?
Shagrat: I got yer orders buddy, I got 'em swingin'! I'm in command of this pass so watch yer tongue you thrice damned, two-faced, gas-passing sack o' poop!
Gorbag: What was that last one?
Shagrat: Sack o' poop?
Gorbag: Aye that'n! Not particularly Orcish now wuz it?
Shagrat: And who might you be to be a-tellin' me what's orcish an' what ain't you lily-livered, pimple-popping, quiche-eating...
Non-descript Orc #1: Hai!
Non-Descript Orc #2: Hai!
#3: Yoi!
#1: Hai! Hola! Howdy do! Here's something! Hey! It looks like one o' them realtors!
#5: Kill the realtor!
#4: Hey, you took my line!
#5: Well you missed your cue you wine-sippin', pasta eatin' niner's fan!
#4: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat orc!
#5: Fill your hand!
(both draw swords)
Snarling horns: HOOT!
Babel of Baying Voices: heybutwhatyoudidtherealtorshagratforsonywwfgorbag. . .
Sam: Oh no! They found Frodo! I am not having my best day!
Sting: Quit sniveling! We got work to do!
Ring: Don't listen to him hairfoot, now if you want to get out of this alive, just do as I. . .
Sam: Shut up you!
Ring: Wha?
Sting: Atta boy! Now first things first, do you have to pee? Cause there ain't gonna be time later.
Sam: Um, no surprisingly, I don't!
Sting: Good. Okay, here's the plan, First, we attack the orcs, second, we kill 'em all, third, we get Frodo back. Capiche?
Sam: But there's thousands of them and only one of me!
Sting: More like thirty or forty, no sweat for a guy like you!
Sam: I dunno...
Sting: There'll be songs made...
Sam: Songs?
Sting: You bet! All about how Sambone the terrible fought all alone against the mighty orc horde at the top of the pass and slew and slew and slew them until he had made a great wall of their bodies, it'll be EPIC!
Sam: Hmmm. Sounds good. What'll they call it?
Sting: The fall of Sambone!
Sam: The fall of...
Sting: Well, yeah, you don't really think you can win do you?
Sam: Well then Sauron will get the ring and who will write the songs?
Sting: Hey, I'm just a sword, I don't don't have all the answers. Who do you think I am anyway? Gandalf?
Sam: Certainly not! Gandalf at least shuts up once in awhile!
Sting: sulk.
Sam: Well now it's down to it. I can't take the ring back, and I can't go on, leastways not without Mr. Frodo. This was a bad idea from the start and that's no mistake! Well, I'd better get after 'em, but if we ever make it out of this I'm going to give that Gandalf and Elrond a stern how-do-you-do! Stupid Council!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: Sam rushed forward now, finally deciding to try and save Frodo's body, but was bogged down with all that misty stuff going on.
Sam: Man alive...everything is like in a fog, or a dream... I can't keep up...my legs ache and are just dragging, like that dream where you can't run...exhausted...tired...droopy...feel slow...[pant, wheeze]
Ring: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I am the RING OF POWA! HEAVY AND HEAVIER...You are getting sleepy...very sleepy...look at me dangit!
Sam: NO shut the heck up! Must... save.... Frodo... follow... Orcs...
Odd Narrator: There was a loud clamor and shouting and laughing up ahead in the mists... which seemed far from Sam.
Orcs: Hey ho! Yippie ki yi yay! Heave... ho...
Orc #5: Wow, this feller is light!
Orc #4: You'd think with his stockiness he'd be heavier!
Shagrat: Head to the short cut...from all the slime on the ground, it looks like she won't make us into lampshades tonight!
Sam: I have to chase them... they can't take Frodo...ugh I don't even want to think about what they'd do to his poor body! I just know there's no laws about mishandling corpses in this country!
Sting: Get me out... I want Orc blood...c'mon...OUT I SAY!
Sam: Well, If you promise not to glow too much...I don't want them to see a flying, glowing Elven, sword with no one holding it.
Sting: And that would be a problem in which way?
Odd Narrator: But the Orcs didn't see Sam or the floating, glowing Sting chasing them down. They had one track minds if ever anyone did, and they headed straight back into Shelob's dark hole without a backward glance.
Sam: MAN! Is this in my contract? I have to go back in that sewage pipe? What is this...Fear Factor?
Ring: Don't go in there, just rest...come on...you're soooo tired. Frodo would understand...it is exhausting!
Sam: RAARRR... zip it...well, if you had lips...[runs into the blackness of the hole]
Ring: Dangit... it just smells so gross in here!
Sam: Like you have olfactory glands somehow? [running after Orcs with Sting glowing away]
Ring: [snicker]
Sting: Glow! YES! Hunting Orcs is fun to do, fun to do, fun to do, Hunting Orcs is fun to do, to do, to do, to do!
Odd Narrator: Sam could see the light of the Orcs ahead of him, but they were fast as bunnies, no that would be a bad comparison to those ugly...let see... they were fast as cockroaches fleeing the light...scurrying along in their disgusting manner, making noise, but moving swiftly. They knew the passage well, as they used it as a short cut, and they always went quickly because Shelob was always looking for new skin to re-decorate with.
Shagrat: No, no...here's a good one! Why did the Nazgul cross the road?
Gorbag: I heard this one...uh... 'cause their horses couldn't cross on the water?
Orc #3: [shove] Har, har, har, that's a good one...
Orc #4: Oh...listen to this one. What do Elves drink when they go out with Fairies?
Gorbag: Wow...Elves go out with Fairies?
Orc #3: [smacks Gorbag] Of course they do...they ARE fairies!
Orc #2: Oh... I know...they drink Sprite!
Shagrat: BWAHAHAHAAARRRR! Sprite...that's funny...
Orc #5: Uh...what does that mean?
Orc #2: [smacks Orc #5] And you thought I was dumb!
Shagrat: BWHARRHARRHARR! SNORK.
Gorbag: Uh...Shag? Don't you think we should keep it down, just in case of Shelob?
Shagrat: Well, you're just as loud as me [thwump] Besides didn't you see the mess she made? Stuck herself on a nail, or maybe ripped out a hangnail...either way she's probably busy oozing and bubbling somewheres tonight. And we should be celebrating...we got something the Big Boss wants!
Gorbag: The Big Boss wants this shrimpy, little, pointy eared, icky, cute thing? Why it even has long lashes!
Shagrat: Well, he has a secret or two!
Gorbag: No way... do tell! [chortle]
Shagrat: Okay, well, when he wasn't looking, I spied him [whisper, whisper] in the outhouse too!
Gorbag: Really? I'd a never guessed...he always seemed...
Shagrat: SH! Don't say anything... I don't think the Nazgirls even know.
Gorbag: Well, all be darned...how come you're telling me?
Shagrat: Well, I thought you'd get a kick out of it, as he's always teasing you for brushing your hair.
Gorbag: [blushing a dark green] I am telling you it is genetic...I can't help it if my ancestry goes back to the hairdressers of Mirkwood!
Shagrat: Well, those Nazgirls...they would shriek and shriek your ears off if they knew what we had here...
Gorbag: You mean they like long lashes, and cute faces too? Eeewww.
Shagrat: No...they just want the Big Boss's nail polish collection from the outhouse...who knows what they'd do with this sickly sweet...thing!
Odd Narrator: Sam came up to the door that he and Frodo had found blocked earlier, and it was still blocked...but try as he might...he couldn't budge the stone blocking his way. But he could still hear the Orcs on the other side.
Sam: Must be cheap stone substitute...huh.
(BunnieBugs)
Gorbag: I don't know how, but the messages--and the rumors--are flying faster than the Nazgul fly... (shudder) Creepy brown-nosers! His favorites. I tell ya, it's the pits working in the city.
Shagrat: And you think we spend our time partying with Shelob up here?
Gorbag: You know, when we win the war, there'll be a lot more room around here. What would jou think about you and me getting away from all this...
Shagrat: (gasp) Why, Gorbag! Are you asking me what I think you are?
Gorbag: Uh, I dunno... what do you mean?
Shagrat: You know... (coyly) You, me, out there in the world, all alone...
Gorbag: (stunned silence) Um. I meant somewhere we could set up "business," along with a few friends...
Shagrat: Oh, (cough, cough) that's what I meant, too... But, uh, you and me, uh, running things! Yeah, that's it... It's not like I wanna go pick out curtains or anything.
Gorbag: Yeah. Right. Okay... moving on...
(Idril)
Gorbag: It'd be nice to set up a little business somewhere, but I wouldn't count on it. I have a bad feeling things ain't going as perky and cheerful as they seems on "Good Morning Mordor". You know, if the big rats sinks the ship then we little rats'll drown just as dead as any of 'em. When were you sent out?
Shagrat: Got a message an hour ago: Nazgul having bad dreams about rabid Ithilien bunnies. Send patrol to head of Stairs ASAP.
Gorbag: Our security cameras picked up some anomalies two days ago. But the deployments have everything in an uproar down at NAZCOM. They've got those stupid substitute Nazgirls doing the clerking. This one reported the disturbance on a form NZ3544, do you believe it?
Shagrat: <SNORK> NZ3544? Ain't that for pest control? Everybody knows you use a form NZ3744 for surveillance anomalies!
Gorbag: Try telling THEM that, all they do is cry and that makes all that black crap run down their face. Can't kill 'em or fire 'em... they're the bosses' pets. Now there's enemy spies on the Stairs. And here you are leaving the gate wide open for them. Did you leave them a welcome package with maps too?
Shagrat: No welcome package, except for the welcome Her Ladyship gives! We saw that little black Sneak of hers up here recently, then lots of loud music and lights and ruckus. We figgered her Sneak brought her a boy toy. Nothing to worry about. This one got a little further than most but he got it in the end... or in the neck! Ha!
Gorbag: What, you think this little puny fellow is all there was? Heck no! There must'a been a big one along. This little runt couldn't bust a cap off in old Shelob like that. It's gotta be some big elf warrior with a sword and a chainsaw and big strong muscles and buns of granite.... (trails off)
Shagrat: HAR!! HAR!! Oh! I better hide, Gorbag's imaginary hottie elf is coming to get me!
Gorbag: Shut up! He ain't imaginary. And he's loose in your territory!
Shagrat: Well this 'un's plenty for now. Good thing he ain't dead yet.
Gorbag: He looks dead to me.
Shagrat: That's because you're a moron. He's just whatcha call paralyzed. Shelob likes 'em live and juicy.
(Russ)
Sam: (pounding head into stone wall) STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!. . .
(stops, swaying slightly) You IDIOT! He's not quite dead yet and you knew it!. . .(resumes pounding) STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!. . .
Sting: Sammy...
Sam: Ooooo! look at all the pretty colors.
Sting: Hey, Sambone! Snap out of it!
Sam: I don't feel so good...
Sting: C'mon Sammy, keep it together.
Sam: BURRWRETCHHHHHH!
Sting: Feel better now?
Sam: No.
Sting: Good. Now here's what we're gonna do. . .
[cut to Shagrat and Gorbag]
Shagrat: You lugnut! Don't you know that the old hag is a walking chem lab? She's got Sarin, mustard gas, Ebola, black ichor, sodium-pentathol and about a hundred others that the likes of you ain't never heard of! 'Member old Ufthak, how he 'uz hangin' from the rafters and screamin' for his life, just a beggin' us to come and cut him down?
Gorbag: Yug-yug! And how we wuz a-walkin' around and callin' his name as if'n we di'nt hear him?
Shagrat: (SNORG!) Aye! Oh man, good times!
Grogag: Yeah. . .
Shagrat: Yeah. . .
Gorbag: . . .
Shagrat: . . .
Anyway, Now this here fellow, I'd say he's taken a hit of morphine maybe or perhaps a stiff shot of nembutal. At any rate, he'll be up and about soon enough! Be as good as new he will! Or would be if you know what I mean.
Gorbag: No, what do you mean?
Shagrat: YOU Know. . .
Gorbag: Keep yer elbowz to yerself! And why is you a-winkin at me for?
Shagrat: sigh. The BOSS man you dolt!
Gorbag: Oh! NOW I get it! (wink-wink) I get jokes. This here's gonna be a real hoot! Eye can't wait to tell him all about Lugburz! Bet he ain't never even been there before!
Shagrat: There ain't gonna be no hoots! And he's gotta have his "honor intact" if you know what I mean!
Gorbag: Oh aye! (wink-wink)
Shagrat: Nor winkin' neither! Just watching and that's it! If we were to show up on the monitors at NAZCOM bustin' a move on the hairfoot, we'll wind up as the orc du-jour on Shelobs menu!
Gorbag: Well FINE! But the big one might not like it so much and If you gots a lick o' sense about ya, you'll go and git him before you file your report!
[cut to Sam, listening at the stone, on the other side the voices are fading and the sound of receding footsteps can be heard]
Sam: STUPID! (THUMP) STUPID! (THUMP) STUPID! (THUMP) STUPID! (THUMP)
Ring: Snort!
Sting: Sam. . .
Sam: My head hurts.
Sting: Are you finished now?
Sam: sigh. Yeah.
Sting: Do you remember the plan?
Sam: Yeah.
Sting: What is the first thing you are going to do?
Sam: Pull you out. (Draws Sting)
Sting: BLAZE! And then?
Sam: Wave you around the stone block.
Sting: Good. See anything?
Sam: Hey! It looks like a door, and there's a space at the top!
Sting: I knew it! Man, orcs are sooo predictable! Now we. . .Hey? HEY! what are you doing?
Sam: (climbs over the stone block) I'm going to save Frodo!
Sting: But that's not what. . .aw for crying out. . .
Sam: I'M A COMIN' FRODO! (runs wildly down the tunnel after the orcs)
[cut to Gorbag and Shagrat]
Shagrat: Well that's what I'm gonna do! Put him in the upstairs bathroom!
Gorbag: What the hell for? you got a whole locker room down below!
Shagrat: The sewers backed up again you idiot! There's floaters and all kinds o' stuff down there!
Gorbag: All the better then. Why we might even be able to find a snack or two!
Shagrat: Hmmm. There IS that. Why we could, No, there's too many of our boys down there already and I don't trust 'em with him. Nor you neither you murderous galoot! He's going up to the top I say!
Sam: (comes barreling around the corner) Oh YEAH!. . .
Sting: Hey, easy there. . .
Sam: NOT WHILE SAMBONE THE GREAT IS ON THE Luh. . .oose? Where'd everbody go?
Ring: Snicker
Sting: You know I'm really getting tired of you!
Ring: DOO tell!
Sam: Aw look, they're already way up there by those great Iron doors!
Sting: Better haul some hobbit ass bud! They're closing the gate!
(Singing)
. . .but a heartache,
Tell me why,
Ain't nothing but a mistake
Tell me why,
I never want to hear you say that I want it that way!
Blaring Horns: TOOT!
Gong: GONGGGGGGGGG!
Hideous Clamour: ClAmOuRcLaMoUr booowaahhhhahahahah! (what are you gonna do?)
Sam: --------------
Sting: BLAZE!BLAZE!BLAZE!BLAZE!
Orcs: IGNORE!IGNORE!IGNORE!
Sam: NOOOOOO YOUUUUUU DON'TTTTTTT
Sting: Um, Sammy. . .
(SUH-LAM!)
Sam: Why yes Rosie, I'd love to dance! (slumps to the floor)
Sting: Hobbits!
End Chapter 10 (sniff)
Here ends the second book of our parody. Now we're just going to leave poor Sam sitting there and go see what the others are up to in The Return of The King. Don't worry, Sam, we'll be back. We'll bring M&Ms too, promise!