IV.1. The Taming of Smeagol

(Idril)

Sam: Well master, we're in a fix and no mistake.

Frodo: Isn't that directly from the book?

Sam: Oh sorry. We're screwed.

Frodo: I suppose that's better.

Odd Narrator: The hobbits were screwed indeed. It was drawing near the third night since they'd left the company and they'd made little progress. They were stuck in the impassable labyrinth of rrrrrazor sharp rrrrrrrrrocks of the Emyn Muil and could not find their way down to the festering, stinking marshlands below. They had climbed, scrambled and wandered in circles, generally making their way eastward, but the outward faces of the cliffs were invariably sheer and impossible to scale. As the sun set they looked out toward Mordor... and beyond its fence of mountains they could occasionally see a tongue of flame lapping at the glowering clouds.

Sam: Aren't you fired up!

Odd Narrator: Oh... just got carried away there. We're halfway through the story you know!

Sam: Well I think I'm not going to like the second half. We're supposed to go to Mordor of all places and we can't even get there.

Frodo: Just halfway? <groan> Can't we just skip a few chapters and get it over with?

Odd Narrator: Sorry, no can do! Don't worry, you might find a way down tomorrow.

Sam: Or the next day, or the next month. This isn't a Tad Williams book is it?

Frodo: I'm sure it's not. In any case it's my doom to go to Mordor, so I'm sure a way will be written for us. Even though this delay aids the enemy and makes it more certain that we'll have some especially dangerous and uncomfortable adventures before... well... before the END.

Odd Narrator: So gloomy! Come on, perk up a little... you're going to scare off the audience.

Frodo: Oh sorry. Sam, how are we doing on food?

Sam: Nothing but Lembas. I brought my cooking gear along but there's nothing here to cook.... UN-LEEEESSSSS.... <Big Grin> Anyone for stone soup? This fella came through Hobbiton a few years ago and showed us how to make it... boy it's good stuff.

Frodo: <snicker>

Sam: But no... (sigh) I'd need wood for that.

Frodo: <SNORK>

Sam: <rolls eyes> For the FIRE, sheesh!

Frodo: It's not that... well... how can I put this?

Odd Narrator: So Frodo explained the concept of gullibility to Sam as the pair found a sheltered spot to sleep for a few hours.

(merithehobbit)

Odd Narrator: As our heroes Frodo and Sam settled in for rest in the cold, lumpy, stony hollow, they slept better than expected that night but still the next day seemed much like the one before.

Frodo: I think he is getting better...

Sam: The Odd Narrator?

Frodo: No... Gollum... he is much more sneaky... either that or we lost him.

Sam: Grrrrr! That Gollum... If only we'd get so lucky as to lose him! I'd like to give him a good throttle that slinker...

Frodo: Hey... save the pent up frustrations for later.

Sam: Well, I hate him... he is such a goober!

Frodo: So do I, but I just want to GET THE HELL OFF THIS CLIFF!

Sam: Whoo hoo... good burst of outrage there, Frodo!

Frodo: Thanks Sam, been working on that one for the whole last book.

Sam: But could you put in the other good line... after that?

Frodo: [sigh] Well, Okay... but don't say anything... [glare] I hate these hills! I feel like I am buck naked on CNN and everyone can see my birthday suit from here to Mordor!

Nazgirls: Whoo hoo! Naked Frodo! Now if we could just get to the other side of these cliffs...

Frodo: Well, that's my problem too!

Sam: Don't worry Mr. Frodo... those nasty Nazgirls can't get you... they are on the other side of the cliffs. And they at least don't have flying steeds!

Frodo: Thank goodness for that.

Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam, and even the Nazgirls struggled throughout the day with little luck in navigating the maze of sharp rocks and cliffs that was Emyn Muil. Suddenly it was dusk.

(Idril)

[Frodo and Sam scramble across the rocks]

Sam: Yep! My family's been in the rope making business since way back. Now to make rope, what you do is you start out with some good yarn made out of cotton, sisal, coir, jute, hemp or flax...

[Frodo and Sam jump across a crevasse]

Sam: ... and then you run your groups of yarns back and forth on your rope-walk. The rope-walk consists of a 'twisting-machine' that carries several revolving hooks and a 'sledge' with one fixed hook. Now these two parts can be up to 300 GHLs apart. Then you start turning the revolving hooks and that twists the yarns together to form a strand. As the twisting continues, the yarns begin to shrink, and that'll pull the sledge down the room. You keep going until your twist is as tight as possible but not too tight or it'll make the strands kink....

[Frodo and Sam find a shady spot to take a break]

Sam: ... Next you've gotta 'lay the rope'. To do that you use this tool called a 'top' which goes near the sledge and keeps the strands separate during the twisting operation. You move the top along the rope, and the twist in the strands will start to turn the sledge hook. That causes the strands to twist around each other nice and tight and form the rope....

[Frodo and Sam munch some lembas]

Sam: ...Now there's several types of rope, there's hawser-laid which has 3 strands, shroud-laid which has 4 strands (one running down the middle), and cable-laid which is made from several hawser-laid ropes twisted together. Then there's twine which is made of two strands...

[Frodo and Sam polish their blades with toothbrushes]

Sam: ... Of course once you have your rope then you need to know your knots. There's the Masthead, Magner's Hitch, Dropper Loop, Blood Bight, Tautline Hitch, Englishman's bend, Thumb knot, Doubled Sheet Bend, Figure Eight Follow Through, Wind On Wire Leader, Jury Mast Knot, Perfect Loop.... uhhh.... Flag bend, Square knot, Alternating Square Knot, Square knot Picot, Square knot Sinnet, Square Knot Button, Spiraling Half Knot Sinnet, Cluster Knot, Gathering Knot, Chinese Crown Knot, Lee Medallion...

[Frodo and Sam scramble across more rocks]

Sam: ...Water Knot, Uni Knot, Timber Hitch, Hook Snell, Buntline Hitch, Cow Hitch, Hook Snood, Lark's Head Half Hitch, Anchor Bend, Longliner, Swivel Double... then let's see... there's the Turle, Mooring Hitch, Ocean Plait Knot, Chain Plait Knot, Josephine Knot, Common bend, Clinched Half Blood, Halibut knot, Lark's Head, Bowline on a Bight, Rolling Hitch, Figure Eight, Fisherman's knot...

[Frodo and Sam come across their resting-spot again and realize they've circled around]

Sam: ...Flemish Eye, Hangman's Knot, Porter's Knot, Left Handed Sheet bend, Overhand Knot, Thumb Knot, Palomar, French Bowline, Sling Knot, Captain's Knot.... I think that's all. No wait! There's the Cat's Head, Half Hitch, Butterfly Dropper, TOPsail, Float Knot, Waterman's knot, Reef knot, Angler's knot, True Lover's bend, Savoy knot, Lanyard Hitch, Portuguese bowline, Spider Hitch, Half Blood....

[Frodo and Sam climb through more rough terrain]

Sam: ...Magnus Hitch, Lark's Head Knot, Blinder Turn Knot, Overhand knot, Half Knot, Spanish Bowline, Grinner, Centauri, Rolling Hitch Lock, Trucker's Hitch, Sheepshank, Albright, Cleat Knot, Blood Knot, Bowline, Turk's Head, Thief knot, Clove Hitch, Constrictor Knot, Sheet Bend, Double Fisherman's Knot... that's about it.

(meri and Idril)

Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam, and even the Nazgirls struggled throughout the day with little luck in navigating the maze of sharp rocks and cliffs that was Emyn Muil. Suddenly it was dusk.

Frodo: Dangit...we're haven't made any progress! Well, there's nothing for it but to go jump off a cliff...I have HAD IT!

(merithehobbit)

Sam: Don't get all suicidal on me yet Mr. Frodo!

Frodo: Yet? I've been suicidal practically the whole time! Let's just see where this goes [scramble, scramble]

Sam: Probably a long way down... [peering over the edge] and unless you can fly... it seems a little painful... with all those sharp edges my feet keep coming to.

Frodo: Well, I think we can climb down here... it isn't farther than 4 Galadriel Hair Lengths...

Sam: I'd say more like 5 GHL's...

Frodo: I am going to try it!

Sam: Good, but I am going first!

Frodo: What? You hate heights...

Sam: Well if I am going to fall I may as well not land on you... Even Boromir could've told you... I am solid as a rock.

Odd Narrator: And with that Sam did something more brave and stupid than he ever had before... he scrambled over the side, but luckily Frodo was quick as a whip and grabbed hold of him, and hauled Sam back up.

Frodo: You ARE as solid as a rock you! Let me go first... I am much more coordinated...

Sam: No you aren't...I can whip you at Play Station any day!

Frodo: Shhh...we're in Middle Earth, remember?

Sam: Well, better wait till morning, when we can see...

Frodo: Nope, going over now...bye!

Odd Narrator: Frodo hung from the ledge and dropped a bit to another ledge and then out of the clear blue sky...

Lightening: CRACK

Thunder: BOOM

Nazgirls: SSSSSHHHRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!

Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Frodo: AAAAACCCCCKKKKK! Blind... blind... I can't see! Dangit.. it was just fine out... and they plop a THUNDERSTORM on us! Stop that!

Meri the screenwriter: [snicker]

Sam: Frodo, Frodo! Mr. Frodo... are you alright?

Frodo: I am fine, it was just the Nazgirls... they sent a chill down my spine... I just can't describe the horror! That and the slight problem that I was blinded by the lightning.

Sam: Oh... that will go away, like a photograph flash...can you crawl back up?

Frodo: Photowha? Uh...well, nothing to grab on to...this isn't like the climbing wall at the gym. Wish I had a rope!

Rain and Hail: Pelt, pelt, pelt, drippy drop, pelt, pelt, pelt, drippy drop, sog, Bwahahhahaaa!

Sam: ROPE! D'oh! [running around wildly in circles] ROPE, ROPE! What a dork am I! Had about 15 lines in the first book about it...and DUH! Here I had it all along from Lorien! [smacks head] We could've been out of here long ago!

Frodo: Will you stop babbling about how dumb you are and get the rope down here!

Sam: Oh...sorry!

Odd Narrator: Sam threw down the rope which, because of its Elven origins, shimmered and glistened just for Frodo's eyes.

Frodo: Hey...I can see!

Rope: Hey good looking! Wow... you have great eyes...has anyone ever told you that? Giggle...pull my finger!

Frodo: You don't have any fingers!

Rope: Well just give me a tug then!

Frodo: OK... [starts to climb]

Rope: OOOOOOOHHHHHH! BABAY! You are such a good climber, the feel of your rough little hobbit hands...all over my silky self... Whoo...pant, pant, sigh! It is soooooo good to be handled by a man!

Frodo: Sheesh, even the rope is hitting on me!

Sam: [tug, tug, tug] Shhh...Rope... you're mine...there's only one man for you...And that's me!

Rope: C'mon Sammie...a little tug of war now and then... it is soooo good for my self-esteem. Besides, what would Rosie say?

Sam: [YANK]

Frodo: Whhooaa... careful Sam!

Rope: [snicker]

(BunnieBugs)

[Sam hauls Frodo up over the edge, and he sprawls on the ground]

Frodo: OOF! Eew, mud! Thanks, Sam. Geez, why did I think that was a good idea?

Sam: If it'll make you feel better, we can say it was my idea...

Frodo: Thanks anyway, Sam, but I think that between this fiasco, and you forgetting about the rope we're about even at this point. Say, speaking of the rope...

Rope: Right here, sweetie!

Frodo: (rolls eyes) How long is the rope, Sam?

Rope: (seductively) As long as you want, baby.

Sam: Will you shut up!? You're supposed to be mine, anyway!

Rope: Mmmm... I'll let you BOTH use me. One at a time or both together...

Frodo: Ack! Sam! Can't you get that thing to stop it?

Sam: I doubt it, sir. These screenwriters are so easily amused...

[Sam starts measuring the rope with his arms]

Sam: It's at least 30 GHL's.

Frodo: Wow! Hard to believe.

Sam: I know! It's thin, but strong, and so soft in your hand!

Rope: Oooh, Sam! You know just what to say.

Frodo: If this storm stops soon, I think I'll try climbing down again. With the rope, this time!

Sam: I don't know... I've still got the heebie-jeebies from that shrieking, earlier. Shouldn't we just hide out here until morning?

Frodo: No, I'm tired of feeling all naked on these cliffs.

Rope: I'm not...

Frodo: Sh! The rain's letting up... I'm going to have a look around.

(Russ)

Frodo: Well, it is good to see once again. I thought for a minute there that I was going blind!

Sam: The hell you say!

Frodo: No, really! I couldn't see a damn thing down there until the rope came down. It seemed to shimmer.

Sam: It's because it's Elven and all. You know, glowing swords, shining hair, glittering eyes, they seem to be big into that sort of thing. Still, it is a very NICE rope isn't it? But how are we going to use the rope to get down? It's barely as long as the cliff is high.

Frodo: Well then what's the problem?

Sam: I dunno, that's just how the story goes in the book.

Frodo: Huh, go figure. Anyway, I'll lower you down first. I think that I'm feeling up to it. Although if you wouldn't mind taking a break on a ledge or two, it would help out a lot, the size of your feet are matched only by the size of your gigantic Hobbit butt!

Sam: Hey! I'm just, er, big boned!

Frodo: Don't get me wrong Sam, you have dropped quite a few kilos since we left the Shire, but still and all, Dude, you're a load.

Sam: Sigh. Okay, send me down. Y'know, this rope feels kinda nice.

rope: Yessss Niiiiiiiiice!

Sam: Yesss, niiiiiice.

Frodo: [grunt-wheeze-groan] Are you down yet?

Rope: Do it Sam, you know you want to!

Sam: Hey, this is fun! Watch this Mr. Frodo sir! WHEEEEEEEEE!

[Sam kicks out from the cliff face and swings wildly from left to right and back]

Frodo: [Arg-ungnuh] Hey Sam, quit playing around!

Rope: Again Sam!

Sam: YAHHHHOOOOO! [kicks out and does a 360 at the end of the rope]

Frodo: SAM! Knock it off!

Sam: Check this out!

Frodo: SAM, FOR GODS SAKE DON'T. . .oops.

Sam: COWABUNGAAAAAaaahhhhhhh... [thud]

Sam: Ow. That's gonna leave a mark.

Rope: (snicker)

Frodo: SAM! SAM! ARE YOU OKAY? SPEAK TO ME SAM!

Sam: Um. I'm okay, I think. Good news Mr. Frodo, the rope reaches to the bottom of the cliff.

Frodo: Thank goodness you're alright! Sorry about that crack I made about the size of your butt.

Sam: It's okay Sir, I landed on it. Your turn!

Frodo: Hey would you look at that! STAIRS! What luck! Be right down.

Rope: Curses! Foiled!

Sam: Stairs? Ninnyhammers!

Rope: Ninnyhammers?

Frodo: Well here we are! Let's beat feet before Gollum shows up!

Sam: What about my rope?

Frodo: Go back up the stairs and fetch it if you like. I'll wait.

Sam: Oh right, I'll just go. . .HEY! They're gone!

Rope: YES!

Frodo: Nonsense! They are right over th. . .Well I'll be a . . .they ARE gone! Damn scriptwriters! Have they no shame!

Sam: Now what? The end of my rope is tied to a stump at the top of this cliff! Just a-waitin' for old Gollum to come along and use it!

Rope: Yikes! [slither]

Frodo: Now how did that happen?

Sam: Screenwriters again?

Frodo: Possibly, but more likely than not it was your handy-work that let it fall. So much for the master of knots!

Sam: I may not be much of a climber Mr. Frodo, but we Gamgees know a thing or two about knots! Ropes too for that matter! It's in our blood so to speak. There was my Great grand-dad, hung himself. And then there was my Uncle Nick, hung himself too. Cousin Ethan, hung himself. Second cousin Nate, hung himself. Grand-Uncle Sidney, also hung himself. Second cousin on my mothers brothers side Bartholomew,. . .

Frodo: [looking peculiarly at Sam] Hung himself?

Sam: Nope. Heart attack.

Frodo: Whew!

Sam: While hanging himself.

Frodo: Okay, okay, I get the idea. Maybe you had best put it away for now.

Sam: Nice rope, lovely rope, so silky, so soft and. . .

Frodo: Sam?

Sam:. . .supple. How nice you are, how I love the. . .

Frodo: SAM!

Sam: Wha? Huh? Where am I?

Frodo: On the road to Mordor Sam Gamgee! Now put the rope away!

Sam: But. . .

Frodo: NOW!

Sam: Sigh. Yes sir. Farewell for now my sweet!

Rope: I'll be waiting! Don't be long!

Sam: Mmmmm, Rrrrope!

Frodo: Well, night is coming on soon. We'd better be off. Look how fair are the moon and stars! How they shine!

Sam: Yes, it IS lovely, like a fine hank of elven rope!

Frodo: You are beginning to scare me Sam.

Sam: Lovely, lovely rope.

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: Is it bedtime again already? Lazy hobbits.

Sam: Excuse me? Why don't you try you climbing around on rrrrazor sharp rrrrrocks all day before you go around calling other people lazy!

Odd Narrator: Narrating is hard work to you know... why just the other day I had to shred a whole box full of outdated scripts... and my hard drive crashed later on so I had to...

F&S: zzzzz...

Odd Narrator: Guys? Hello?

F&S: zzzzzz...

Odd Narrator: <sigh>

(Bridget Chubb)

Odd Narrator: Suddenly Frodo saw something!

Frodo: zzzzz...

Odd Narrator: I said...Ahem...wake up, little buddy!

Frodo: Wha..? Huh? What now?

Odd Narrator: sigh All right...let's try again. Suddenly, Frodo saw something!

Frodo: In my sleep?

Odd Narrator: NO! You were supposed to be on watch!

Frodo: Against what? We left the Nazgirls behind, remember? Besides, I don't see anything.

ON: Just look at the cliff.

Frodo: *sigh* Fine...Hey! I can't believe it. He's climbing.

Sam: [wakes up] What? Who?

Frodo: How should I know? It's pitch black out here. I'm just reading my lines.

Sam: Whoever he is, he has obviously seen us with the Precious and must therefore die.

ON: I am getting sooo fed up with you two...It's Gollum, OK? GOLLUM is climbing down the rock! That's it...I'm outta here. I can't work like this.

Sam: [looks at Gollum] Inconceivable!

Frodo: Whoa Sam! Someone's been doing his homework...unlike a few fools of Tooks I could mention. Where'd you learn such a big word?

Sam: I can't rightly say, Mr. Frodo. But now that you mention it, I don't think it means what I think it means.

[pause]

Frodo: Oookaaay then...

Bad-Tempered Narrator: So the annoying hairy-footed jerks stood around stupidly in the sinister moonlight (which gives me a headache...ugh) and watched as the creepy slimy thing slithered down the black, dirty cliff like a snake. Or maybe it was more like a spider...with lots of long, hairy legs. No, actually, more like a cockroach...a huge one, with black eyes and a shiny shell. No, I've got it. It was like a centipede, crawling down with skinny limbs, turning its head, its thin hair waving around like antennae. If that scaredy-cat Pippin had been there, he would have been squeaking his head off, it was that disturbing.

Frodo: Um...can we get on with this?

BTN: Fine...fine...have it your way. It's not like anyone ever listens to me anyway.

Sam: Frodo...hey Frodo, wake up! Do you think he sees us?

Frodo: Seeing as how it's STILL pitch-black out here, I'd say no.

Sam: Then how's he still following us? It's inconceivable!

Frodo: I bet he can smell us... that strawberry scent's unmistakable! And he probably hears us too. Look at those huge creepy ears.

BTN: So instead of hiding, or running away, or THINKING at all, the little hairy guys sat around some more like the lazy bums they were...

[Offstage: Pippin: What? NO! Leave my bum alone, you perv!]

BTN: Oh shut up! They sat around and watched the creepy bug-guy climb down the rock.

[nothing happens for about 5 minutes]

Sam: [fidgets]

Frodo: [falls asleep]

Sam: [jumps up] That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm not going to sit around all night waiting for him to get here. I'm going over there.

Frodo: mmph... What? Oh, right, um, watch out...or something. Cockroaches are really hard to smush... [rolls over and falls back asleep]

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Wake up! I'm not going over there alone!

Frodo: But I'm so tired...and you're the one who wants to go over there anyway! Just let me sleep!

Sam: Fine. I'll just leave you here, all alone, waiting for the Nazgirls. Maybe I'll leave the rope to guard you...

Frodo: Actually, I'm not that sleepy. Let's go!

BTN: So the two hobbits wasted the few hours that they could have been sleeping and instead walked straight over to their enemy for no apparent reason. The creepy bug-man was three-quarters of the way down. They could hear his labored breathing and smell his awful, fishy breath.

Gollum: Ach...sss...*ptui!*

Frodo & Sam: Eeew...

Frodo: He must have stolen some of that tobacco while they were filming the Rohan scenes! The little thief!

Gollum: Oh, like you can talk, preciousssss.

Sam: [still fidgeting] That's it...I'm not waiting any longer. [He walks over to the cliff] Hello there! Slow going?

Gollum: Look I don't mean to be rude, preciousss, but this is not as easy as it looksss. Ssso I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me, no preciouss.

Sam: Sorry.

Gollum: Thank you, preciousss.

Sam: I don't suppose you could speed things up?

Gollum: If you're in sssuch a hurry, preciousss, you could throw us a rope or a tree branch or find ssomething ussseful to do.

Sam: I could do that. I have got some rope down here, but I do not think you would accept my help since I am only waiting around to kill you.

Gollum: That doess put a damper on our relationssship, yesss it does, preciousss.

Sam: But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the bottom.

[offstage:

Pippin: *snicker* He said 'bottom'!

Merry: *snork!*]

Gollum: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait, preciousss.

Sam: I hate waiting. [thinks a moment] I could give you my word as a hobbit.

Gollum: No good, precioussss... we've known too many hobbitses, haven't we, precious? Nassty, tricksy hobbitses!

Sam: Is there any way you'll trust me?

Gollum: Nothing comesss to mind.

Sam: I swear on the soul of my master, Frodo Baggins, you will reach the bottom alive.

Gollum: Sss, still no good, preciousss! We've known too many Bagginses too! Nasssty ssneaking thieveses!

Sam: Fine then...just hurry up! [storms over to Frodo] Frodo, wake up! He's almost here.

Frodo: Why do I care again?

Sam: umm... Good question.

(Idril)

Odd Narrator: Gollum continued to climb down the wall as if he wasn't aware of the hobbits below him.

Gollum: hssss! Silly narrator. We were just talking to that one there.

Odd Narrator: Well stop!

Gollum: Ssss!

Sam: Oh sorry!

Gollum: Cautiousss now... mustn't fall... lots of out-of-work Smeagols that would love to take our jobses, isn't there precioussss? Oh yes, gollum.

Sam: I don't think he's aware of us... he's talking to his precious.

Ring: Oooooh geeze! Not Gollum!

Frodo: Sh!

Odd Narrator: Gollum paused and turned his head from side to side as if listening. Then he continued for a bit until he was a dozen feet above the cliff bottom. There the cliff face that was sheer and almost undercut.

Gollum: sssss... not safe, preciousss! Where issssssssss safety crew? Where is OSSSSSSHA? gollum

Ring: Ummm... could we maybe skeedaddle or something? I was hoping to avoid this guy... he's my ex, you know.

Gollum: Shriiiieeek! <tumble> <splat>

Ring: <SNORK>

Sam: Aha! <spring> <grab> Now I've got you... you.... GULP... MR FRODO! HELP!

Gollum: <wrestle> <bite>

Sam: <wriggle> <grab>

Frodo: Hey wait a minute!

Gollum: <elbow> <throttle>

Sam: <wrestle> <butt>

Sting: Okay, I'll put a ten on Sam.

Ring: I'll take that... easy money!

Gollum: <roll> <knee>

Sam: <curse> <jab>

Frodo: Oh dear! Try to grab... Ow! That's gotta hurt!

Gollum: <scuffle> <throttle>

Sam: <elbow> <butt>

Frodo: Alright! Enough of this! <draws Sting and wades in>

Gollum: SSSSSSSSSS!!! Not the hair, preciousssss!

Frodo: This is your old friend Sting. Loose the hobbit or it'll be the last thing you see.

Ring: Hey, if you help the bet is off!

Sting: <shrug>

Gollum: <does a pretty fair impression of cooked spaghetti> Whimper! gollum

Sam: Fudge! I almost had him too!

Ring: As if!

Gollum: Don't hurt us precioussss! Nooooo!

Ring: Oh Frodo, please kill him! He's totally annoying!

Gollum: Sssssss... hobbits jumps on us after we falls... poor Smeagol. Please don't hurt us... please! We'll be nice... won't we precious?

Ring: Nicely dead!

Gollum: <grovel> gollum

Ring: One little slice... Sting wants to, don't you hon?

Sting: Hey, leave me out of this.

Sam: Hmmm... what to do... what to do.... SAY! I have an idea!

Frodo, Rope, Sting and Ring in unison: You want to tie him up.

Sam: <simmer> Well it's a good idea.

Gollum: Oh no precious... silly idea! We would die here alone... starve and die. <sob>

Sam: And the downside of that would be?

Ring: You read my mind, there!

Frodo: Naaahhh! Let's just kill him.

Sting:

At the still point of destruction
At the center of the fury
All the angels all the devils
All around us can't you see
There is a deeper wave than this
Rising in the land
There is a deeper wave than this
Nothing will withstand

I say love is the seventh wave

Frodo: <sigh> Can't do it.

Gollum: Yessss!

Ring: AKK! Stupid pacifist kitchen knife!

(Russ)

Frodo: Because I can't! . . .YES I want to!. . .No. No, I told you already that I can't. I SAID I'm not going to. Why do you have to keep on about. . .

Sam: Um, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: I know. I know. Yes, I remember that pity stayed his hand! How could I forget it with you . . .

Sam: Mr. Frodo Sir? Are you all right?

Frodo: . . .CAN'T SEE ALL ENDS!!!! I KNOW!

Sam: Mr. Frodo, who, um, I mean, is there, ahh. . .Are you. . .

Gollum: Too much sun?

Sam: Too much something!

Frodo: Alright. Yes. Okay. Don't worry, I won't. I know. Love you too, bye.

Sam: Um, Frodo? Something I should know?

Frodo: Hmm? What do you mean?

Sam: Well, it looked like you were talking to someone.

Frodo: No.

Sam: I'm pretty sure I saw you talking to someone.

Frodo: Did you see anyone?

Sam: Well no.

Frodo: Is there anyone else here?

Sam: No sir, but. . .

Frodo: Then who could have I been talking to?

Sam: Well you see Sir, that's what I was gonna ask . . .

Frodo: Are you feeling okay Sam?

Sam: I'm fine! It's you who . . .

Frodo: Is it that rope again? 'Cause if it is. . .

Sam: I'M FINE!

Frodo: Okay, okay, no need to go and get all snippy! Now as for you Gollum.

Gollum: Yess, Nice hobbits, won't kill poor poor old Gollum! Gollum likes hobbitses he doesss! Frodo not kill Gollum, kill Sam instead!

Frodo: Hmmm.

Sam: HEY!

Frodo: Nah. Look Gollum, we are not going to kill either you or Sam. But we can't leave you here either. And you will help us if you can.

Sam: One good turn deserves another eh?

Frodo: No. If he doesn't help, THEN we kill him!

Gollum:(wags tail, ears perk up) Yesss! Nice hobbits! Smeagol will help! Smeagol will be good, we promises! Find them safe paths we will! But where we wonders? Where are nice hobbitses going in these cold dark lands?

Frodo: I think you know the answer to that well enough, don't you Smeagol?

Gollum: Well actually,. . .

Frodo: Yes he knows.

Gollum: Well you see, I really don't. . .

Frodo: We are . . .

Gollum: Yes?

Frodo: Going to. . .

Gollum: Yes, yes?

Frodo: MORGANTOWN!

Gollum: Wha?

Sam: (whispers) Mordor. . .sir.

Frodo: MORDOR! too bad, I always wanted to go to Morgantown. Oh well.

Gollum: Oh, Mordor, well why didn't you just say so. I know it like the back of my hand. Do you have toll money? The turnpike can be quite expensive! And then if you want to eat you have to use the service areas unless you want to go through all the hassle of getting off and getting back on again. I suppose you could use the ATM's but they charge such an outrageous fee. . .

Frodo: ENOUGH! We are taking the old road!

Gollum: The OLD ROAD!? Ach! sss! We guessed, yesss we guessed! we didn't want them to go, did we? School zones and speed limits! Pot holes and frost heaves there is! And tourist traps! Thousands and thousands of tourist traps! Nice hobbits musn't go to those places!

Frodo: So, you've been there? And you're being drawn back there, aren't you?

Gollum: Yess, yess, NO! I mean yess. No wait, I mean no, or is it maybe? Oh wait, Once! Once by accident, but we won't go back no no! No way Jossssse! Two-headed buffalo! Cheap thrift stores selling over-priced junk and calling it antiques! Live Alligator wrestling! And Stuckeys with their terrible bright signs and pecan pies! No No we won't go back, we won't ssssssssss! (collapses) gollum, gollum. Don't look at us! Go away, go to sleep!

Frodo: He won't go away or to sleep at your command, Smeagol, But if you wish to be free of him again, then you must help me. And that means finding a path toward his land. But you need not go all the way, not beyond the gates of His land.

Sam: Who's land? Who is he? The Dark Lord?

Frodo: Bob's Big Boy.

Sam: Close enough! (shiver)

(BunnieBugs)

Gollum: Don't ask poor Smeagol. They took his Precious. Now Smeagol's lost... Round the bend... Out where the buses don't run...

Frodo: If you come with us, we may find him. Do you prefer day or night travel?

Gollum: Sun so bad for the sskin... Night is besst, but not while White Face is looking. Wait and rest, nice hobbits.

Frodo: Alright, then. Sit! [Gollum sits] Stay! [Gollum stays]

Odd Narrator: Frodo and Sam seat themselves with their backs against the stone. Unspoken, they know they must not sleep. Gollum sat very still, and Frodo and Sam feigned sleep...]

Sam: SNORE!

Frodo: Let's not overdo it...

Sam: Sorry.

[Gollum slyly peers at the hobbits, first with one eye, then with the other...]

Frodo: (whispers almost inaudibly to Sam) Red light...

Sam: (also whispers) Green light...

[Gollum suddenly leaps into the air like a frog, heading into the darkness...]

Frodo: Red light! Gotcha! [Sam tackles Gollum and Frodo grabs his leg] Looks like that rope might come in handy, again.

Rope: No, no! Not that slimy creature! He'll ruin my complexion!

Frodo: Now, nothing too drastic, Sam. He needs to be able to walk.

Sam: Aw, fooey! And I was gonna practice some new techniques I've been working on. There's this one where the rope goes...

Frodo: I really don't want to know, Sam.

Sam: What I'd really like to try on him is a good, tight noose! Where were you headed, Mr.Gollum? Off to play poker with your orc buddies? Don't give me your dirty looks, you goober, you!

[Frodo looks on while Sam ties the rope around Gollum's ankle]

Rope: Ew, ew, ew! This is disgusting!

(BunnieBugs)

[Gollum sits sullenly, glaring at the hobbits]

Frodo: Um... you're supposed to scream and stuff.

Sam: This rope is supposed to hurt, remember?

Gollum: (sigh) Look, we ssimply can't continue working under these conditionss.

Sam: What conditions?

Gollum: It'ss dark, it'ss cold, we barely has anything to cover our nether regionss...

Frodo: Nether regions?

Sam: He means his...

Frodo: I know what he means, Sam!

Gollum: ...and everytime we has a sscuffle, we getss all cut up on the rocks.

Frodo: Well, what can we do?

Gollum: First of all, we wants clotheses...

Sam: But that wouldn't make sense!

Gollum: ...and we wants to work in the daytime.

Frodo: No way. I'm just going to have to put my foot down. That would be completely out of character.

Gollum: Okeedokee... If anyone wants uss we'll be in our trailer...

Frodo: Wait!... Maybe we can work something out.

Gollum: We're listening, yesss...

Frodo: We'll bring in heat lamps for the set.

Gollum: Sstill listening...

Frodo: Um... and electric blankets between takes.

Gollum: And warm brandy?

Frodo: Hmmm. How about hot chocolate?

Pippin: (from the Rohan set) Hey! I'm cold, too!

Frodo: Hush! Well, Smeagol? Do we have a deal?

Gollum: Throw in ssome pickled herring and we have a deal.

Frodo: Done! (yells to crew) Could you please see that he gets what he wants? Thanks.

Gollum: Cool. ...Now where were we? Ahh, yesss... ahem!

AAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!! It hurtss us! It burns!

Oh, yeah... We likes our hot cocoa with marshmallowss. The BIG ones. Not those worthlesss little ones...

(Thranduilion)

Gollum: Oh right, carrying on. Ach! Ssssss, not the ropeses, not the nasssty ropeses!

Rope: Hey! Nasty, my knotted end, you filthy cockroach-snake-spider thingy!

Frodo: What's wrong, is the knot too tight?

Gollum: No, gollum gollum. [face lights up with an idea] You must guess the answer to why it hurtsss, yes precious. If you guesses, we'll do what nice hobbits wants, yess we will.

Sam: Um, the elven magic in the preciouiss darling rope hurts your filthy twisted body?

Gollum: No, no, not the elves' magic, not that, achssss.

Frodo: Um, you're part werewolf and the silver in the rope is the only thing that can hurt you?

Gollum: Not even going to grace that with a reply, no precioussss.

Frodo: [racks brain]

Sam: I got it! It's all a clever ploy to get us to believe he's in real pain so that we'll take the rope off and let him go free!

Rope: Yippeee! I like that plan! Getmeoffgetmeoffgetmeoffgetmeoff!!! Pleeeeese, pretty please dearest Samwise?

Frodo: [thinks]

Sam: [stroking his end of the rope] It would be so easy . . .

Frodo: [starts humming]

Sam: [singing to the rope]

What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in yooooou?

Frodo: [skips around the mulberry bush]

Sam: [still singing]

Sweet like lembas to my soul,
Sweet you knot and sweet you pull,
Lost for you I'm so loooossst for yooou,
You come CRASH into me . . .

Frodo: [gesticulates wildly at the air]

Gollum: They're jusst ignoring me now, aren't they?

Friendly Big-Eyed Narrator: Sure seems so!

Gollum: We CANNOT work in these conditionss, no precioussss. Can we get out of here?

FBEN: I gotcha covered. Hey, I can even narrate my own actions. [clears throat] So as Sam and Frodo completely ignored what was happening in the plot, the Friendly Big-Eyed Narrator [snicker] reached his omnipotent hand into the scene, untied the rope-

Rope: Thanks, big fella. [wink]

FBEN: Whew! <and he and Gollum slipped off for a quick meal somewhere>

Frodo: [halts suddenly] I've got it! You- [glances around frantically] Hey, where'd he go? Sam? SAM?!!

Sam: [behind a nearby tree with the Rope] Promise you'll never leave me.

Rope: I don't make promises, sweet thing.

Frodo: All right, who the heck let this screenwriter back onboard? [Turns to the screen] You're messing up the story, now get it RIGHT!!! Gollum's NOT supposed to DISAPPEAR, he st-

Sam: [reappearing] It's okay, Mr. Frodo, I think he's back.

Gollum: [smacking lips] Mmm, boy, that just hits the sp- Oi! [pant pant]

Frodo: Oh, thank Elbereth! Hey, so . . . what was the answer to the riddle, anyway?

Friendly Big-Eyed Narrator: Well [toes ground] I think the screenwriter put me in to get out of a sticky situation.

Frodo: You mean . . .

FBEN: Yep, there was no clever answer to be found. A classic case of writer's block. We call it Wit Deficiency. Really serious thing, you know, nothing to laugh about. [SNORK]

Frodo: [snicker]

Sam: [snerf]

Ring: Tee hee!

Gollum: CHORTLE!

FBEN: GUFFAW!

Sting: Ah ha ha ha ha!

Rope: Gigglegiggle!

All: BWAH HAW HAW HAW HA HA HA HA snicker snicker snerf har de har har har.

[silence]

FBEN: So, shall we carry on, or what?

Frodo: Oh, yes, of course. [clears throat] Hey Gollum! Sit.

[Gollum sits]

Frodo: All right, we won't tie you up if you swear an oath to help and not to hinder us. On what will you swear?

Gollum: On the pr-

Ring: NO, NO, DON'T LET HIM COME NEAR ME, NOT AGAIN, NOOOOOO!!!

Gollum: -etty blue eyes in your face?

Frodo: [taps foot]

Gollum: Well, it'ss not like you really had to assssk.

(merithehobbit)

Odd Narrator: So Frodo got Smeagol, or Gollum or whoever the slimy creature was, to promise to not run away...yada, yada, yada... and they took off the rope...yada, yada, yada..

Smeagol: And they're always making fun of my gollum sounds!

Sam: [snerf] Let's just call him YADA!

Frodo: [snork] Is that like Yoda?

Russ: Hey.. I was going to use Yoda later!

Frodo: Oh.. sorry.

Odd Narrator: Ahem!

Sam: Shutting up now. [snerf]

Frodo: SO what's it gonna be... stinky marshes, or uh.. stinky marshes?

Gollum: Sssssstinkyyy Marsssshessssss.

Sam: Give him a choice.. brilliant answer.

Gollum: Youssss hobbbitttsssssessss are soooo luckiesssss. We knowssss the waysssss through the marrssssssssheeessssssss.. Sssssstuppidsss Orccssssesssssss go around for milessss and milesssss...You lucky you found ussss... follow Smeagol!

Rope: Ugh.. [shudder] THAT lisp thing is SO Annoying! Sam...please.. I know he is slimy..but let's just tie him up again... I want to really burn him this time!

Sam: Shh..maybe later.

Rope: Hmmmm... so you are open to the possibility of us tying his nasty selves up?

Sam: Ya hear that Gollum? Me and the rope are just itching to tie you up and leave you to rot in the SUN... so stay nearby...

Odd Narrator: So the trio...

Rope: Hey.. what am I chopped liver?

Odd Narrator: The four...

Sting: What about me?

Ring: And hey.. don't forget me, the reason for the whole stupid trip in the first place?

Odd Narrator: OK... the group headed into the deep of night under the hard clear stars... into the edge of the waste before them.. and it was QUIET!

Ring: CHEAAAAAW Right.. with these folks.

Odd Narrator: Why I oughtaaaa...

Ring: [prancing on it's chain] Neener, neener, neener...you can't hurt me.. I am the ring of Power.... neener, neener, neener!

Frodo: Shut up or I'll stick you where the sun don't shine!

Ring: Oh.. like that's a threat...

Frodo: Let's go double quick time.. [glaring at ring] To Mt. DOOM!

Ring: [pout] [whimper]