(Thranduilion)
Odd Narrator: The day after the battle dawned. Finally. Ah, sunlight. Beautiful sunl- oh, sorry. [clears throat] In the red-gold glow of that beautiful morning came Legolas and Gimli strolling towards the city, eager to see their short companions.
Legolas: (swinging AK in wild circles and singing to the tune of "The Wizard of Oz")
We're off to find the hobbits,
The insatiable hobbits we love.
AK: Whooaaaaaa, wheeeeeeee, hazzzaaaaaa!!! Yipppeeeee!
Legolas:
We hear they've done incredible deeds,
Of daring and bravery and-
Gimli: (who has taken to ignoring the elf's incessant singing) Some of this stonework sucks. When Aragorn's king, we dwarves are gonna come in here and build bigger and better walls, and huge round open-air stadia to house major sporting events, and houses with spires up to the sky!
Legolas: (still singing) We're off to find- (stops singing) Oh, sure, but first we've got to do something about the lack of greenery. The public waste facilties here are nonexistent, and just look at these pitiful little trees boxed in by cement on the side of the roads. Almost makes you wish they wouldn't even try.
Gimli: No, the stonework's gotta go first. I mean, some of these buildings are nothing but eyesores; I wonder if I can get Merry to help with the planning...
Legolas: Are you kidding? This city needs gardens, and fast.
Gimli: Stonework.
Legolas: Gardens.
Gimli: Stonework!
Legolas: Gardens!
Gimli: Stone. Work.
Legolas: GARD- Oh, hello there!
Imrahil: Now this is a strange sight! An elf and a dwarf walking hand in hand in the streets of Minas Tirith! Who'd have thought it!
Legolas: (dropping Gimli's hand quickly) Uh, greetings, Lord, surely you are one of, uh, Elvish blood!
Gimli: (whispering) Good recovery, fairy.
Legolas: Midget.
Gimli: Hairdresser.
Legolas: Toad.
Imrahil: [staring in confusion] So, uh, what can I help y'all with? I'm in charge in the city at the moment, you see. [preen, preen]
Legolas: Oh, we're looking for the two little twerps - I mean, Cheerful and Brave Hobbits we hear you have in your keeping. Oh, and Aragorn the Greasy wants your Bossness and that Eomer guy to get your royal bums down to his tent pronto.
Imrahil: Hmph. Well, I'll come, but only because I want to, not because Aragorn's trying to order me around, mind you. The Most Honorable and Valiently Courageous Halflings are in the Houses of Healing, straight ahead through the winding roads to the sixth circle, third odd-looking building on your right past the Hornburger outlet. Can't miss it.
Legolas: Hornburgers? Here? Booyah!
[Legolas and Gimli 'high five']
Imrahil: Yeah, they got the franchise from Rohan a few years back, it's real popular with the tourists, apparently. Anyway, ciao!
Legolas: Later!
[they walk off towards the Houses of Healing]
Legolas: You were quiet just then. What's on your mind?
Gimli: I was thinking up some cool line about how the works and lives of men often fade with a frost in Spring or a blight in the Summer; and how they fail of their promise but not of their seed, which lies buried deep and springs up again in times and places unlooked-for so that the deeds of Men will outlast us in the end.
Legolas: Oh yeah?
Gimli: Yeah. I didn't really get anywhere with it, though.
Legolas: Oh, well. Hey, there's the Hornburger.
Gimli: And there's the House of Healing. Gee, I hope we don't get held up by that gum-chewer at the desk up there. He looks nastily bureaucratic to me.
[they trudge up the steps to the entrance]
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: After a short but bloody battle with the receptionist, Legolas and Gimli found their diminutive friends in the gardens of the Houses of Healing. It was a joyful reunion.
Legolas: Dude!
Pippin: Dude!
Merry: Dude!
Gimli: 'Sup Dog?
Merry: Nada!
Pippin: Que Pasa?
Gimli: Eeeh! <shrug>
Legolas: Check the digs!
Pippin: Sweet, eh?
Legolas: Oh yeah.
Gimli: Yo yo, skirts!
Merry: Sweeeeeeet.
Pippin: Hmmph. Honkin' tall.
Legolas: Pfft!
Odd Narrator: Eventually they began to speak coherently again, and walked around in the garden. Merry seemed to have made a marvelous recovery-
Pippin: Oh Fudge! I forgot to tell him the thing about the...
Odd Narrator: (ignoring the interruption) and was completely his old self again, chatting merrily and enjoying the fresh air.
Pippin: Huh?
Merry: <big deep breath> Isn't it a beautiful day!
Pippin: Ummm... Merry?
Merry: (singing) The hills are alive, with the sound of music... wooo wooo wooo woo! What, Pippin?
Pippin: There was something I was supposed to tell you but I forgot.
Merry: (singing) Da da da da da, that's all the words I know!! What did you forget to tell me?
Pippin: Um... well. You didn't by any chance get laid last night did you?
Merry: (singing) It's so not your business, whether I get laid or not! And beeeeee-sides, a gentleman never tellllllls!
Pippin: Alrighty then!
Merry: Ow! I think I pulled a muscle... um... earlier. Let's go sit on the wall.
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: The happily reunited group sat on the wall with the little playground behind them... empty of children, but Pippin happily swinging on the monkey bars while Gimli went down the slide. Legolas was swinging on the swing, happily until he looked up... and saw Seagulls.
Legolas: [standing up from the swing and runs over to the wall] Oi Oi... Seagulls... lookit... lookit... Merry. [standing on the wall pointing at birds]
Merry: Uh... yeah... they're birds.
Legolas: [crouches down close to Merry's face] I have lived for thousands of years... and never met these birds.
Merry: Of course not, these birds are probably only a year old... they don't live long.
Legolas: [jumps up catlike and poses] We came to Pelargir... and I heard them... crying... their voices on the salty wind...
Gimli: [walks over after coming down the slide] Here we go... Legolas... buddy... remember what we talked about.
Legolas: [clutches Gimli's shoulders] NO! Gimli... they called to me when we rode to the battle of the ships... they made me forget... [tears up] Their wailing voices... telling me of the Sea... [gulps away tears]
Merry: Legolas... that is why they are called Sea Gulls... they live at the Sea shore... they fly on the Sea breeze... they are birds.
Legolas: [clutches heart] But Merry! I have not yet beheld the Sea... [whimper] But it has awoken the desire deep in my heart... the sea-longing.
Pippin: [walking over] You're longing for the Sea?
Gimli: No it is more like lusting.
Merry: Now who needs to get laid?
Pippin: [snicker]
Legolas: [glare] No... you mortal folk don't understand. There's no loin burning involved here. No peace shall I have under beech or elm...
Gimli: [smacks Legolas] Bud... If you don't stop about the birds... I'll go get Ioreth. Surely she has something for a mental case?
Merry: No... she is a mental case.
Gimli: Legolas... you know there are plenty of cool things besides the Sea... and if you head out to the Grey Havens who will the screenwriters delegate as the "weird one"? [gives him a knowing look]
Legolas: You?
Gimli: [nods and fingers axe] Of course, and you know that can't happen...
Legolas: No, I will take the crazy label for you my friend...
Merry: Legolas... you can't go to the Havens... we'd be so bored without you to tease... And who'd take care of AK? [wink, wink] I think they have very strict gun laws over in Valinor.
Legolas: [look of realization] AK? [pout]
AK: You don't want to leave just yet baby?
Legolas: [caresses AK][whispers softly to it]
Pippin: Don't you get so gloomy Legolas, you and AK and Gimli need to tell us all about your journey. The sun is finally shining... I even have sunscreen on my pale skin... we are in need of a good long story?
Merry: Be sure to make it all wordy and interrupt each other, okay?
Gimli: [hesitantly] The sun may shine here... but I... am... that was so... [lowers voice] creepy... that... I don't really want to talk about it.
Pippin: [perky like] You mean... the DUN DUN DUN... Paths of the Dead... NEIGH... that Strider is always bragging about? I want to know... what did the dead guys look like? Did they smell? Do dead people eat? Could you see them? Was it like a M. Night Shyamalan movie... creepy and prickly... did the air go cold? Or was it just floating sheets like in Casper?
Gimli: [turns his back to Pippin] I don't want to talk about it.
Merry: No way [nudges Pippin]... Gimli is a wuss?
Pippin: [snicker] What did you cry? Dump in your drawers? C'mon... spill!
Gimli: [pout] The only reason I was on that road was because of my loyalty to Aragorn.
Legolas: And because we love him... [sigh] Those hands... I lotioned him up every night... vanilla [gets misty eyed]... never be able to smell vanilla now without thinking of Aragorn and the...
Merry: DUN DUN DUN... .
Legolas: Thanks... Paths of the Dead...
Pippin: OH... NEIGH!
Legolas: Thanks... Ah Aragorn... we all love the stinker. Even Eowyn had a crush on him [pats Merry's head] She's the only one of the folk at Dunharrow that had the balls... er... well spine to watch us go. That was a difficult parting... [dabs eyes] Dang... I'm getting all hormonal now.
Gimli: [rolls eyes] It was enough to scare the hair off your toes Merry... even talking about it makes me nervous... can we talk about the birds and Legolas teetering on the edge of insanity some more?
Merry: AWWW, c'mon... You can't just leave us hangin here?
Pippin: Were there dead girls? Or did all the dead women and children go off to a safe dead refuge? Do you think they ever grow fatter... and have to buy new clothes... or are they the same?
Merry: Did they sing and dance? Or tell dead stories? Do you think they get scared of spooky stories... being dead and all?
Legolas: O brother! I'll give you the rundown if you two just zip your lips! OKAY?
Merry: [nods]
Pippin: [motions across his lips] ZZZIIIP!
Legolas: Well, I wasn't scared at all, us Elves are pretty immune to that kind of cheap trickery.
AK: Plus he had me with him.
Legolas: [smirk]Well, that too honey... [rubs AK]
AK: Purrrrrrrr
(Idril)
Legolas: So... we road down the haunted road under the mountain, and Gimli was soooooo scared! I offered him some gum but then I remembered that just works for changes in altitude, not being afraid of dead people. Anyhoo... we had the Dark Tryst and all... how tedious... lots of muttering of oaths and debating amongst the dead folk. Then someone yelled "Yoko is coming!!" and we all fled in terror through the Uplands of Lamedon.
The Dead didn't like running along. They wanted to do this blinky thing and just show up at our destination, but Aragorn forbade them. That got me thinking "Wow, he really has them under his thumb!" I was going to see if he could make them do a shadow puppet show, but there just wasn't enough time with all the riding and all.
We rode along for a couple of weeks-
Gimli: Days.
Legolas: Oh yeah, days. And then we came to the river Gilrain, where the Lame Warriors of Lamedon were lamely attempting to defend the fords. They were getting creamed by a bunch of men from Umbar and Harad that had sailed up the river. But when the Dead started yelling "Yoko is Coming! Yoko is Coming!" both sides threw their weapons down and ran away screaming.
The only person that could withstand the dead was Angor the Deaf, Lord of Lamedon. Aragorn bade him bring his Lame Warriors hobbling along as quickly as possible after the Host and Yoko had passed. "We will need you at the Pelargir!" he said, and Lord Angor answered "YES IT IS A NICE TIME OF THE YEAR. TOO BAD ABOUT ALL THE GLOOM!"
After that... well you know, the same old same old, riding hard, checking out the local flora, driving the enemy in rout before us, trudge trudge trudge. Nothing special.
Gimli: More like clip clop clip?
Legolas: Yeah... clip clop swing hack clip clop clip. But then! We came to the fields of Lebinnin! And the Tangy flavor of the sea was in the air!
If everybody had an ocean
Across the Middle-Earth
Then everybody'd be surfin'
Like in Lebbinin
You'd seem 'em wearing their baggies
Huarachi sandals too
A bushy bushy blonde hairdo
Surfin' Lebbinin
You'd catch 'em surfin' in Arnor
Eastfarthing County line
Riddermark and Mirkwood
And fair Ithilien
All over Lothlorien
And thru the Wilderlands
Everybody's gone surfin'
Surfin' Lebbinin
We'll all be planning that route
We're gonna take real soon
We're waxing down our surfboards
We can't wait for June
We'll all be gone for the summer
We're on surfari my friend
Tell the teacher we're surfin'
Surfin' Lebbinin
Of course we didn't go all the way to the beach, unfortunately. And I'd imagined it would be a little greener, but maybe that was just the gloom. Finally we came to the Great River-
Gimli: <SNORK> He thought it was the Sea.
Legolas: I never!
Gimli So why did you cry "It's the Sea! It's the Sea!"
Legolas: Uhhh... did I do that?
Gimli: Yes.
Legolas: Okay, so I was excited! There were all kinds of seabirds there... oh they were so pretty. All over the place... precious birdies... <sigh>. AK wanted to shoot some of them, but I wouldn't let her... oh no! I scolded her and told her "Bad AK! Mustn't hurt the pretty birdies!" And I took away her bullets, and... why are you all looking at me like that?
Pippin: Uhhhh... you have some broccoli in your teeth.
Legolas: Oh shoot? Where?
Gimli: It's gone now.
Legolas: Oh! I forgot! I brought you guys a souvenir! (brings forth two cloth-wrapped objects)
Pippin: Presents? For us?
Merry: (unwrapping his) Ummm... what's this?
Legolas: Souvenirs from the seabirds of Pelargir! Aren't they wonderful?
Pippin: Uhh... they're rocks with poop on 'em.
Legolas: (smiling broadly) Yes I know!
Merry: <sigh> Thanks Legolas.
Legolas: Oh I'm so glad you like them! (Gives the hobbits a big hug)
Gimli: Anyway, back to the STORY. When we arrived at Pelargir there was a whole freakin' fleet of ships there from Umbar. A lot of the ships started to flee, which stranded the Haradim that we were routing. Is "routing" a word? Well, no matter. They had just turned around and it was dawning on them that there was only a handful of us live folk chasing them, when...
Legolas: Didn't we advertise a flashback in this chapter?
Gimli: Oh yeah!
[roll flashback]
Haradim: Hey! There's only, what, 33 of these guys? What are we running for?
Aragorn: Okay dead guys! MOSH PIT!
The Dead: Huh?
Aragorn: Oh... ooops! PARTY ON! EXCELLENT!
The Dead: (looking at each other and shaking their heads) What's he talking about?
Hal: (whisper)
Aragorn: Ahhh... gotcha! GERONIMO!!
The Dead: Oh! That's us! GERONIMO!
[the Dead charge, flinging down their teeshirts and CDs and drawing out pale weapons.]
Haradim: AAAAHHHH!!! (fling themselves in the river and drown)
Umbarians on Ships: Ha ha! Must suck to be you!
The Dead: GERONIMO!!!
[they run across the river and attack the ships]
Umbarians: Hey, you can't do that! AAAAAHHH!!! (fling themselves in the river and drown)
Legolas v.o.: Cool, huh? Aragorn isn't as nerdy as we all thought he was.
Gimli v.o.: Damn straight. Anyway, here's the end of the flashback.
Aragorn: Yo Dead Guys! Listen up!
Dead Guys: (mutter mutter)
Aragorn: All the enemy is pretty much drownded or run off now... thanks bunches for all your help! And... uh... I don't think we need any more help so you all can dissipate or whatever. Nice knowing you! Have a nice death!
Dead Guys: (mutter mutter) Can't we hang out for a while?
Aragorn: No! Sheesh... you're creeping everybody out! Beat it!
Dead Guys: (sigh) Alright then! Bye! (dissipate)
[end flashback]
Gimli: And that night we rested while the captives on the ships were released and given fresh underpants.
By the next morning, a large crowd of locals had gathered as apparently rumor had spread of a great white sale. And that is near the end of our tale.
M&P: Zzzzzz-Huh? Oh... hooray! (clap wildly)
Gimli: I said NEAR the end.
M&P: Oh. (sigh)
(Bunnie)
Gimli: That night many ships were made ready and manned...
Legolas: Hey! They weren't all men! What about us and the twins? Not to mention AK, here.
AK: You tell 'em, Goldilocks!
Gimli: "Manned" is just a quick way of saying that everyone got on board to play sailor.
Legolas: Hmph. Still sounds chauvinistic to me.
Gimli: (rolls eyes) In the morning we set forth. It seems long ago, now, but it was only day before yesterday, the sixth since we left Dunharrow. But still Aragorn feared that time was slipping away from us.
Legolas: Now there's an understatement! You never saw so much worrying and hand-wringing. He even picked up Frodo's fingernail chewing habit. Poor guy's on the road to an ulcer, for sure.
Gimli: So he says "It's forty-two leagues from Pelargir to the landings at Harlond. We'll never make it!" And he just collapses into this blubbering mass of hysterical gibberish. So I smacked him upside the head.
Legolas: Dude! You didn't tell me that! How could I have missed it?
Gimli: One word: seagulls.
Legolas: (with a dreamy look in his eyes) Oh, yeah.
Gimli: Anyway, he was much better after that, but you probably shouldn't mention it to him.
[Merry and Pippin glance at each other with mischievous grins]
Gimli: With free men labouring at the oars we set out. But it was slow going, despite the incentives set forth for free cable upgrades and two-fers at the Hornburger, for there was no wind. I might have despaired if Legolas hadn't suddenly goosed me and giggled maniacally.
[Legolas giggles maniacally at the memory]
Gimli: Uh... like that. "Turn that frown upside down, Durin's son!" he said. "There is yet hope, so don't act like a dope." But when I asked him what the $%#@ he was talking about, he just smiled mysteriously.
[Legolas smiles mysteriously]
Gimli: Precisely. Dang, he can be annoying. And away in the North we saw a red glow, and the men were all, "Hot dang, a barbecue!" But Aragorn said, "Nay, Minas Tirith is burning." But at midnight our hope returned, for the wind changed and blew in from the Sea. And the rest you know, of how we arrived the morning of the battle, banner unfurled... Although it would have been a lot more impressive, if not for that dryer incident.
Legolas: Nevertheless, it was pretty cool, no matter what happens next.
Gimli: And it's that "what happens next" thing that has Aragorn and Gandalf worried. Though you wouldn't know it from the sounds coming from the tents down there... I wonder what's going on? Oh, well. As for me, the honour of the folk of the Lonely Mountain dictates that I be there for whatever cr*p goes down next.
Legolas: Likewise the folk of the Great Wood...
Pippin: [snigger!]
Merry: [snork!]
Legolas: ... plus, Aragorn would have our cajones if we chickened out now.
Pippin: (pause) What are "cajones?"
Merry: (whisper, whisper)
Pippin: Oh. (shifts uncomfortably) Ow.
Odd Narrator: The companions sat in silence...
Pippin: He wouldn't really, would he?
Odd Narrator: ... SILENCE, each busy with his own thoughts...
Pippin: I mean, that's pretty harsh.
Merry: Don't worry, Pip. It's just an expression.
Odd Narrator: Do you mind?
Pippin: Well, whoever coined that expression is just twisted.
Odd Narrator: (sigh) ... while the Captains partied... er... debated below.
(Russ)
Imrahil: Knock-knock-knock.
(panel at eye level slides open)
Imrahil: We're here for the debate.
Voice: You got an invite?
Imrahil: Invite? No, we're expected.
Voice: Name?
Imrahil: I am Imrahil, Prince of Dol Amroth, and this is Eomer, King of Rohan.
Voice: (eyes look down, sounds of papers turning) Hmmm. Nope, sorry, you're not on the list.
Imrahil: List?
Eomer: Sit tight sparky, Ah'll take care of this. (to eyes behind panel) Are y'all sure we ain't on the list? My good buddy Benjamin assured me we were. (slips folded green paper through the slot.
Voice: (takes the paper) Oh, wait a sec, here we are! Sorry 'bout that, go right in.
(Door opens and they enter)
Gandalf: ... and so the old man says to the kid, 'Let me get my hat and coat, I'm going with you!'
Aragorn: HAR! HAR! HAR! Good one Mithrandir! Hoo-boy, you sure know how to tell a joke! More sherry?
Gandalf: Don't mind if... AH! Here they are! (hic) Whew! Good sherry!
Aragorn: Pour yourselves a drink fellahs and pull up a seat, we gonna have us a bit of a pow-wow here.
Imrahil: Pow-wow? I thought it was going to be a debate? And not just ANY debate, but the LAST DEBATE!
Eomer: (taking a drink) SPIT! Ewwww! What th' hell is this here stuff? Ah needs me a mans drink! Too bad y'all ain't got no Rohan sour mash! Now THAT'S a mans drink!
Gandalf: Alas, the uncouth pallet of the uncultured!
Aragorn: I hear ya, cigar?
Gandalf: Merci.
Aragorn: De nada.
Imrahil: Cherry and cigars? THAT is what this is all about? What about our plans?
Aragorn: All work and no play... Cheers!
Gandalf: Cheers! (Tips his cup to Aragorn.)
Imrahil: HEY!
Gandalf: Oh very well. The way I see it we have two choices. We can either attack...
Aragorn: Yes!
Eomer: Yahoo! Let's git'em!
Gandalf: Or not.
Aragorn: That sounds like a plan!
Eomer: I'm for that too!
Gandalf: Hmm. Let me put it another way. We all know that Denethor was spending an awful lot of time watching the O'Reilly factor and when they are in the no spin zone, the show cannot lie. Agreed?
Eomer: Welllll...
Aragorn: Snork!
Imrahil: Makes sense to me.
Gandalf: No doubt, the show had plenty of file footage showing the host of Mordor arrayed for battle and still more being gathered. Still with me?
All: Yup.
Gandalf: Okay. So far we have only just barely been able to hold off this first attack, the next will be worse...
Eomer: Worse?
Gandalf: Yup. And the one after that worse still. See, Denethor saw all that stuff and that's why he went south on us. he KNEW that we were outnumbered about a jillion to one.
Aragorn: So what you're saying is...
Gandalf: We are screwed. Royally and completely screwed. If we stay here and fight we die, if we march off to Mordor and attack...
Aragorn: Yeah, yeah, we die anyway. Cut to the chase man.
Gandalf: Okay. It's the ring.
Imrahil: The ring?
Gandalf: Yep. If Sauron had it, he'd be using it already and we would be sipping tea in the Halls of Mandos. Well I would anyway, you guys would be ... Say, just what does happen to you when check out time comes?
Aragorn: Different book, go on.
Gandalf: Anyway, since he didn't use it, he don't got it... yet. And what's more, he doesn't know whether or not we have it either. And that is buggin' him since he knows that there are some of us who are stup... um, I mean, strong enough to use it! Doesn't he... ARAGORN!
Aragorn: Yeah, yeah, I looked into the Palantir and showed myself to him. Big deal. He was going to attack anyway and I got here in time didn't I?
Eomer: Ah don't git it. What's all this about a ring?
Gandalf: It's... oh, nevermind. Here, read this when you get a chance. (hands Eomer a sheaf of papers)
Eomer: Mumble, mumble... What's a Pay-roh-dee? And what's all this 'bout dancin' ponies?
Gandalf: (shakes head and continues) Anyway, He doesn't know if we have it or not.
Aragorn: Aye, there's the rub!
Imrahil: The what?
Aragorn: The rub.
Imrahil: (Blank look)
Aragorn: It's an expression. So what are we gonna do Old Man, like you said, if we stay here we die, if we retreat we die. What else is there?
Gandalf: The one thing he would never expect!
Imrahil: You don't mean...
Eomer: You're not saying...
Aragorn: (mutters to himself) I don't like the sound of this.
Gandalf: We ATTACK!
Aragorn: But you just said...
Gandalf: I changed my mind, Wizards prerogative. You see, if he's paying attention to us, then he's not looking for the ringbearer.
Aragorn: Sigh. I knew I wasn't gonna like it!
Gandalf: Unless the ring is destroyed, there is not a freaking thing that we can do to win. Our only hope lies in Sam and Frodo making it through Mordor, past a bazillion orcs, and right past Sauron's nose to the fiery pits of Orodruin and tossing the ring in.
Aragorn: Funny. There was a time when I would have laughed at that.
Gandalf: Oh yes, good times. but anyway, our job is going to be to distract Sauron and hope like hell the ringbearer makes it.
Imrahil: How are we going to do that?
Gandalf: I just told you...
Aragorn: We could put on an all male version of the Vagina Monologues. That would distract anyone.
Gandalf: No, we're going to...
Imrahil: I could do some of my juggling tricks. I do 'em on a Unicycle.
Aragorn: Really? Cool. you could open the...
Gandalf: HEY!
(silence, all eyes on Gandalf)
Gandalf: Um, actually, that's not a bad idea. You know I do this slight of hand thing...
Aragorn: So it's settled then! All we need is a script.
Imrahil: It's got to have all of our favorite characters in it.
Gandalf: I know! We could make it a parody kind of thing!
Eomer: Where we gonna git one o' them?
Imrahil: Well, we could get someone to write one...
[Silence]
Aragorn: Okay then, an attack it is!
(Idril)
Gandalf: Some of us should stay behind though... er... to keep a watch on the City. There's nothing worse than coming back home from battle to find orcs in your bed.
[All stare at Gandalf]
Imrahil: You mean we should leave some men behind, right?
Gandalf: Yes! Didn't I say that?
Aragorn: What's really bad is when you wake up with an orc in your bed... then you know you've GOT to cut back on the drinking.
[All stare at Aragorn]
Aragorn: <snort> Riiiight... like you all haven't had that happen. Well anyway, how many should we send... er... I mean take with us? Eomer, how many of your Riders can go in say, two days?
Eomer: Hmmmm... let's see. (begins counting on fingers) There's Elfhelm, Denthelm, Grimnotsobold... dum dee dum... Gramcracker, Bubba, Elfshoes... uhhh... give me a minute...
Aragorn: There's 4000 coming from Lamedon, but it will take them a few days to arrive. I passed out a lot of flyers and free Hornburger coupons on the way, so I reckon 7000 will arrive from the South before too long.
Eomer: ... and Dernit makes 50... then there's Beorn Bryant boys, there's about 80 of them... and Deerehelm, and...
Aragorn: I reckon we should take about 2000 infantry from the South.
Eomer: ... and Mooney and his boys... that's 200... then there's...
Imrahil: I can field 3500 on foot, and almost 500 on horse. Elrohir and Elladan are welcome to ride with my knights, and the Dunadain too... we don't mind that they have no social skills whatsoever.
Eomer: ... and Shug's boys makes it about 300... then there's... umm...
[All stare at Eomer]
Aragorn: So Eomer, you can field 500 horse and 500 foot?
Eomer: Uhh... right. I was just about to say that!
Aragorn: So that's 7000.
Imrahil: Ha! What a puny army... Sauron will smile at that!
Aragorn: I doubt it. It's hard for big flaming eyeballs to smile. [He draws Anduril]
Anduril: <YAWN> Good morning! What do you want me to kill?
Aragorn: Nothing right now, hon! But listen up! I'm not putting my sword away until this is over, one way or the other!
Anduril: Hey, you can leave unsheathed if you want to, but... (whispering) you might want to... ummm.
Aragorn: Oops... [blush] Oh I hate these pants! [Turns his back and buttons his fly.]