(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so with all haste Shadowfax bore Gandalf and Pippin up to the Citadel. In the south the sky grew lighter as the darkness began to break. But it gave them little joy, for they naught with which to make breakfast.
Pippin: Sigh.
Gandalf: I know, me too, but maybe well make elevensies.
Pippin: Look! The Gate is open!
Gandalf: (thinks) Hmmm, my spidey senses are tingling.
Pippin: Where is everyone?
Gandalf: I don't know. Quick, let us make for the Closed Door, and in haste!
(Shadowfax gallops down the road and around a corner.)
Gandalf: Gasp!
Pippin: Gasp!
Shadowfax: Gasp!
Gandalf: The Closed Door...
Pippin: ... is...
Music: Dun-Dun-Dun!
Shadowfax: Ropren!
Pippin: Ruh-Roh!
(Pippin and Gandalf dismount)
Pippin: I wonder where that porter is?
Gandalf: Beats me, Peregrin Took! Look out for the corpse!
Pippin: (Stops before tripping) That was close, thanks Gandalf.
Gandalf: Tis the work of the Enemy! Such pratt-falls he loves! Along with tired cliches and annoying slapstick humor!
Gandalf: Allright trusty steed! Me and the squirt are going on in, you stay here and guard the door.
Shadowfax: (Nods) Rurry rack!
[Gandalf and Pippin hurry down the hall]
Sword: SHWINGGGGG!
Pippin: Did you hear that! Someones fighting!
Gandalf: I-(puff)-well-(pant)-we'd-(wheeze)
Pippin: Yeah, yeah, don't talk, just breathe, we're almost there!
BIP! BANG! WHACK! SWISH! CLATTER!
WET SNAPPING SOUND!
Pippin: Oooo gross!
Odd Narrator: The two round the corner and see, gathered at the foot of the stairs, men with weapons facing Beregond who stands alone at the top, arms outstreched, one leg drawn up, toe pointed down. On the floor, two men lay writhing, with black eyes and broken noses.
Gandalf: St-st-st-HUFF-WHEEZE-GASP!
Pippin: Deep breaths...
CRACK! SMACK! BIPPITY-BIPPITY-BIPPITY-BIPPITY-BOP!
Gandalf: Okay, I'm better. (leaps forward)
STAY THIS MADNESS! (puff) Know any of you not, (pant), that there is no defense for Crane Style? (wheeze)
Denethor: (from behind door at top of stairs) Hurry up you! Kill the bastard! And there's an extra fifty in it for anyone who brings me the head of the Wizard!
(the men all turn to look at Gandalf, who smiles meekly and waves)
Denethor: Oh never mind! I'll do it myself. (door flies open)
Odd Narrator: And BEHOLD! Denethor, the Lord of The City, stood upon the threshold of the door, eyes blazing with a fell light, sword in hand. Not to be out done, Gandalf, robes shimmering dashed up the stairs to meet him!
Eyes: blaze
Robes: Shimmer
Eyes: Blaze!
Robes: SHIMMER! SHIMMER!
Eyes: MERCY! MERCY! WE YIELD!
Robes: Hmmph! Wimps!
Gandalf: (raises left arm out to his side) See this Lord?
Denethor: Yes.
Gandalf: You should have watched THIS! WHACK! (smacks Denethors sword hand with his staff sending the sword skittering away)
Denethor: (steps back) OW! Hey, that hurt!
Gandalf: Now what the hell is going on here? I would say that the houses of the dead are no place for the living, but from the look of you...
(Idril)
Denethor: Hello? Is this still my city or what? Must I ask your permission before I scratch my butt now, Wizard?
Gandalf: Your butt-scratching concerns me not, but Faramir's butt does. Where is he?
Denethor: He lies within. Worry not, he has his teddy! He burns, burns like the West will soon burn. It will all go up in smoke!
Pippin: Damn, Sounds like he's trippin on some of that bad Gondorian pipeweed, too. That stuff is nasty.
Odd Narrator: Gandalf, with Beregond and Pippin tagging along, pushed past Denethor and saw a disturbing sight. Faramir lay on a stone table, and many faggots had been piled beneath and around him. Pippin gaped, for he'd never seen so many faggots in one place before in his life, not even at the gayest festival back in the Shire. All the faggots had been soaked in oil, which made them glisten in the-
Gandalf: AHEM!
Odd Narrator: What? Oh, sorry! Alright, then Gandalf wheezed as he attempted to climb to the top of the table, but it took both Beregond and Pippin to hoist him to the-
Gandalf: AHEM!
Odd Narrator: (rolling eyes) Sheesh! Gandalf sprang to the top of the table and easily lifted the unconscious-but-still-fine-looking Faramir into his arms. After giving said Faramir's butt a little-
Gandalf: [CRACKLE POW!]
Odd Narrator: OW!! Hey, I was just kidding! So Gandalf took Faramir outside and put him on the bier.
Farmir: Moan! Papa Dearest! No more wire hangers!
Denethor: Akk! Bring him back, he calls for me!
Gandalf: He needs elvish med... I mean I'm taking him to the Houses of Healing! You, on the other hand, need to stop screwing around and go fight. In case you've been too busy to notice, there's an epic battle brewing there in the front yard.
Denthor: Why bother? He's dying... we're all doomed! He and I should go out in style! We'll burn together... see, everything's prepared! Bring him back!
Gandalf: (furious) Oh, so now you want him with you? Mister "I'm too busy to attend your Soccer games" all of a sudden can't stand to be away from his boy? Give me a break! You want quality time with your son? Go with him on one of his field trips! Don't drag him along with you into the afterlife!
Denethor: Well I never! I... I...
Gandalf: [mutter mumble] And come on yourself! There's fighting to be done!
(Russ)
Denethor: Ha-Haa! Your words cannot harm me! My insanity is like a shield of steel! BEHOLD!
(Whips cover off of a suspiciously round object. Denethor points a small object at the black orb.)
Click!
(orb begins to glow)
Denethor: Laverne and Shirley!
(small images appear on the palantir and begin to move about)
Didst thou think that I recieved only the three networks! Nay! For I have cable! And the deluxe package, not that cheap basic stuff! I get ALL the channels! UPN, Fox, ESPN, HBO 1, 2, AND 3! But it matters little now, for there can be no hope. The X-Files is not returning! Mulder and Scully have failed! It is time for all to depart who will not become alien-human hybrids in league with the Smoking Man!
Gandalf: Um, you DO know that all that stuff is only make-believe right?
Denethor: Ha! Says YOU! Do I not know you Mithirandir? That is what you WANT me to believe! Yet I have read thy mind and it's darkest thoughts!
Gandalf: Really? Everything?
Denethor: YES! Do I not know that you are in league with the Cabal? And that you hope to use me as a shield between thee and the good aliens while you work your evil scheme to enslave humanity? Do I not know that you have secretly supplanted the rightfull King of Gondor with a deadly alien bounty hunter that has assumed Aragorns shape?!?!
Pippin: Gaaaaandalf, I think we had better go, he's starting to scare me.
Gandalf: Yes Master Took, but half a moment, I want to see where he's going with all this.
Denethor: I will not be thy tool Mithrandir! I may be old and looney as a bad Beat Generation Poet! But I still have my pride!
Gandalf: All right then, what do you want?
Denethor: I want the Lone Gunmen to come back to life! I want Roswell to be renewed for another season! I want the Friends to grow old and die in prime-time so that we can all laugh at their zany antics! But if this is to be denied to me, then I will have naught, neither laughter diminished, nor viewing pleasure halved, nor 24 hour sports programming!
Gandalf: Okay, now I know where it's going. And it's time I was going as well, and Faramir with us. Come along Pippin...
Denethor: NO! THOU'LL NOT TURN MY LAST SON INTO AN ALIEN MONGREL DOG! (draws knife and steps toward Faramir's body)
Beregond: Freeze old man! Now put down the knife and nobody gets hurt!
Denethor: So! The body snatchers have gotten to you too! I should have known! Well you may get the boy, but you'll never get me! Gimme that torch! (snatches torch from servant casts it into the oily faggots)
Faggots:
Burn baby burn!
Burn that mama down
Burnin'!
Denethor: (leaps atop the Pyre and smashes the remote into a million pieces)
Denethor: [Singing lead into the palantir]
Satisfaction
(uhu hu hu)
came in the chain reaction
(burnin')
I couldn't get enough,
(till I had to self-destroy)
so I had to self destruct,
(uhu hu hu)
The heat was on
(burnin'),
rising to the top, huh!
Everybody's goin' strong
(uhu hu hu)
And that is when my spark got hot
Burn baby burn...
Odd Narrator: And it was said ever after that if one tried to look into the palantir, unless he had great strength of will to turn it to other purpose, all he would see was a withered old man in a leisure suit and gold chains.
Gandalf closed the door and beat feet without a second thought. "Disco Sucks!" he muttered to himself and departed. And then Denethor gave a great cry, and kicked the bucket, never to be seen again by mortal eyes.
(merithehobbit)
Gandalf: Ah. So it passes to me to say nice things about Denethor... [pauses]
Odd Narrator: Beregond the Lord's servants and Pippin all stared at him, waiting for him to say something nice.
Gandalf: Well, Denethor... uh... son of Ecthelion... uh... hmmm...
Beregond et al: [standing aghast]
Gandalf: Lots of bad stuff happened today, and don't get your pants in a bunch over it. Denethor has gone to the la la land in the sky... maybe, and let's not fuss and bother with his personal issues. Whether we like it or not, with his passing an era of Gondor is over. You poor folks just got caught between a rock and a hard place.
Beregond et al: [aghast]
Gandalf: You servants, following orders blindly without thinking... something you were TRAINED to do... and Beregond, well technically you are in a heap of trouble. Treason is kind of a capital offense. But, as the Steward is dead, and his heir is, well, sort of out of it... we could just pretend he did nothing wrong. It's been done before.
Servant #1: [raises a trembling hand] Uh. I have a question?
Gandalf: You don't have to raise your hand...
Servant #1: What does capital offense mean?
Gandalf: Okay then, well sir... nothing. Beregond is a good guy... yes?
Servants: Uh... sure.
Gandalf: We don't need to talk about what happened here?
Servants: Uh. We don't have to talk about what happened here?
Gandalf: He's not the man you're looking for.
Servants: He's not the man we're looking for.
Gandalf: He can go about his business.
Servants: You can go about your business.
Gandalf: Carry on.
Servants: Carry on. Carry on.
Pippin: Whoa. How'd you do that?
Gandalf: Ah, Wizards have a lot of influence over the weak minded... plus I learned that trick from my buddy in college... his name was Obi Wan.
Pippin: Wow... would that work on me?
Gandalf: Probably not, your mind is like a telescope... focused on one thing...
Pippin: Wow! And that one thing... would be?
Gandalf: Food of course, what else could it possibly be?
Beregond: Uh, don't you think we should finish out this little scene?
Gandalf: Oh yes, of course. [adopts sad look for confused servants] Ah, our dear Beregond kept Faramir the hottie from getting too hot for his own good. Let us leave this depressing corner of Minas Tirith and you servants, hoist that honkin bed with Faramir and lets get him the heck out of here.
Servants: Man! Can't we come up with a lighter bed?
Gandalf: Oh you wimps, c'mon Beregond give me a hand. [HOIST]
Beregond: Good thing I took weightlifting.
Odd Narrator: They bore the beer... no wait, that was Pippin, Gandalf and Beregond hoisted the bed out of the house of the dead, and Pippin brought the keg. The servants were shocked at the strength of Gandalf and Beregond, and began to doubt their own manliness when there was a great noise. It scared the crud out of everyone, and looking back they were glad they got the heck out as the roof cracked and smoke went everywhere, and stones fell, it was really quite a mess. It also bumped the servants out of a stupor... [snicker] and they all booked it on down out of the creepy place. When they got to the Steward's door, Beregond looked with grief at the porter.
Beregond: Man! I suck! Why did I have to kill this porter? [sob] I shall rue this forever! [WAAAAAH]
Pippin: Dude! You okay?
Beregond: [glare] Shhhh, I have to at least act like I feel bad. [sniffle] Woe is me! This porter obviously graduated from the same school as the other servants... he wouldn't listen! I was in a hurry! [sob] Why didn't he listen... now he is dead. [sob]
Gandalf: There, there, he drew his sword first no doubt?
Beregond: Uh, yeah, he did. [wipes tears] [grabs keys from porter's cold dead hands] Well these are Faramir's now... but uh...
Gandalf: [snatch] The Prince of Dol Amroth is in command while Faramir lies comatose... but since he is busy fighting the battle down there, I'll just hang on to them.
Beregond: [suspicious look]
Gandalf: For safe keeping.
Beregond: [folds arms]
Gandalf: Just until the city is set in order again...
Beregond: Um... hmmm... .I'll bet.
Gandalf: What? It's just a bunch of keys... If I wanted to I could've been the Dark Lord by now.
Beregond: Whatever, just don't say I didn't warn you when you start trying all the little lock boxes up at the castle.
Gandalf: Heaven forbid I open the Social Security one. [snicker]
Beregond: HUH?
Gandalf: Nevermind... let's haul Faramir's hot... er... posterior up to the Houses of Healing.
Beregond: Okay... it will be a nice change to see chicks for a while.
(aneya26)
Odd Narrator: They now approached the Houses of Healing, which used be the city's roller skating rink until the atmosphere made the juveniles into delinquents, and it was renovated into a place for, you guessed it, healing. There dwelt a few women that were allowed to stay because they were skilled in healing, plus the men thought they would be good for morale.
As Gandalf and the others made their way, they heard a sudden horrific cry. As they listened on they could make out a foul voice screeching, "I'm melting, melting. What a world, what a world." It was at that moment they too could hear the voice of soldiers shouting out, "Ding dong, the Witch King is dead!" Everyone who heard this became light of heart and felt a strange craving for a lollipop.
Gandalf was found in the doorway to the Houses of Healing by Beregond and Pippin after they had laid poor Faramir safely on his cute bum inside.
Gandalf: I've got some good news and some bad news. Who am I kidding?!? Death and destruction is always bad news. Had it not been for Denethor's little loco episodo back there I could helped out more. But now I know how evil entered the city... digital cable! I should have known earlier, for all towers in this land get great cable. But alas, poor Denethor's strength began to wane as the season finales occurred and he was then forced to watch re-runs of Happy Days and dare I say... Wheel of Fortune!
Pippin: It all makes sense now. Looney Denny went out of the room for a moment and when he came back, his eyes were all glazed over and he kept on muttering something about wanting to buy a vowel. [shudders] Eww..creepy!
Beregond: It was at that moment we saw a great light in the tower. We had seen it before, so we just thought that the Lord had stuck a fork in his toaster again.
Gandalf: Well, thanks to you meddling kids, this mystery is solved. Back to the mystery machine!
P and B: [shooting confused glances at one another]
Gandalf: Umm... Therefore, it is all as I had thought. The will of Sauron entered into the city through the mouth of Pat Sajak and his hypnotizing wheel of many colors. Pippin, come with me. Beregond, you should stay here and guard Faramir. Had it not been for you, Faramir would have been hottie barbeque.
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: As a grey rain began to fall, Gandalf and Pippin passed down through the circles of the city to meet those coming from the battlefield. Pippin's neon green umbrella with the big yellow smiley seemed the only bright spot in a city filled with smoke and uncertainty.