(BunnieBugs)
Unobtrusive Narrator: (quietly) Merry lay rolled in a blanket on the ground, and though he could see nothing in the dark, he knew that all around him were the companies of the Rohirrim, camped among the pine-woods. Every now and then, he heard what sounded like faint drums in the hills.
Merry: Hey, what happened to Odd?
Unobtrusive Narrator: Shh... keep it down. Odd got stuck in the siege in the last chapter.
Merry: Oh... it's bad, then?
Unobtrusive Narrator: I expect you'll find out just how bad soon enough. Anyway... the faint drums?
Merry: Oh, right. (sticks his fingers in his ears and wiggles them around) I wonder if I'm hearing things... no one else seems to have noticed. (sigh) I don't know what I was thinking, having that second latte. I'll never get to sleep now! And I am so sore from riding that horse for four days straight!
Why, oh, why did I come? I could be having supper and a smoke. But, No-o-o!I had to finagle my way into despair and danger. Good move, Brandybuck! I wonder if the king knows I came and is P.O.'d at me...
Although, everyone seems to be pretty much ignoring me. It's almost like I'm not here, even. I wish I WASN'T here, even! Useless, worthless, sorry excuse for excess baggage, I am...
Unobtrusive Narrator: In less than a day's ride they would reach the out-walls of the city. Scouts had been sent ahead, and some had not returned. So much for THAT merit badge... Anyway, the ones who did return reported that the road was held by the enemy, and orcs were having a snipe hunt in the woods along the roadside.
Merry: [snork!] A snipe hunt! I remember the time Frodo and I sent Pippin on one of those! Oh, I would have to go and think about Pip! How I wish I could go rescue him...
[Merry lapses into a daydream and sees himself as a tall Rider, single-handedly fighting his way through the enemy and into the city. He rides through the streets until he finds Pippin, and he reaches down to pick him up...
Pippin: Let go! What are you doing?
Merry: I'm rescuing you, you nitwit!
Pippin: Well, knock it off! I'm not some damsel in distress! (beats on Merry's arms)
Merry: Ow! (lets Pippin go) Geez! I'm trying to do you a favor...
Pippin: Yeah? Well, let me do one for you, instead. (grabs Merry and pulls him off his horse) Ha, ha!
Merry: Oof! Why you... (knocks Pippin to the ground) Take that!
Pippin: (grab, wrestle) You've got some nerve...
Merry: (pinch, jab) I only did it 'cause I miss you so much...
Pippin: (kick, poke) I know. Me, too.
Suddenly, Merry is jerked out of his fantasy as someone stumbles over him in the dark... ]
Elfhelm: Goll-durned tree-roots!
Merry: No tree-root, just a hobbit. Perhaps you can tell me what's afoot?
Elfhelm: (looks puzzled) Well, Ya'll have two huge hairy ones...
Merry: No... I mean, what's going on? I keep hearing drums, and now everyone seems to be up and moving around.
Elfhelm: We've had orders to be packed up in case we gotta git in a hurry.
Merry: [squeak] Is it the enemy? Are they coming?
Elfhelm: No, now don't git yer knickers in a twist. What ya'll are hearin' is the Woses, the Wild Men o' the Woods. They ain't goin' ta war, but they's a might skittish, and they're worried about the darkness and the orcs hereabouts. Just be glad they ain't huntin' us... I've heard tell that they use spit-wads and give killer wedgies. But they've offered their services to the king, and he's gonna meet with their headman. See? Yonder go the lights. Well, I better go. Git packin', dead-weight! (vanishes into the darkness)
Merry: Hey! (sigh) But he's right... (shudder) Killer wedgies! Ugh. Well, I'll be darned if I'm just going to sit here and wait. I'm gonna go see me some Wild Men!
(Russ)
[Camera follows Merry as he slinks along, Hobbit-quiet, through the brush until he comes upon a clearing where the kings tent is set up. Before him is Theoden and Eomer and a short, squat-thick-stumpy-short-legged, thick armed, scraggely-bearded lump of a man talking with the other two.]
Merry: Gaffer? No, this guy seems to have better hygene. Hmmm. Who does he remind me of?... Oh, now I know, that poster that showed how men started out as apes and slowly changed into men. I think this guy would go somewhere in the middle. Wait, he's saying some thing, if I can get a little closer I could hear...
[cut to Wildman]
Ghan-buri-ghan: No bwana, wildman only hunt. Wildman lover, not fighter. Wildman say make'um love not war. But wildman hunt'um gorgun. Gorgun bad. Gorgun make heap-big magic with three cups and ball, take'um Wildmans beads. Try to buy Wildman lands for 26 dollars, when Wildman refuse, gorgun make talk of imminent domain, use words like Lawyer and Zoning variance, take'um land anyway. Wildman not like Gorgun.
Gorgun bad medicine.
Eomer: But if you won't help us in battle, what the hell good are you?
G-b-G: Wildman know many things. Bring news. We climb mountain and look down. Stone city screwed big time. Many fires burn inside and out. Gorgun shoot men from cannon, make silly dance on tight rope. Bwana wish to go there, must not be very smart. Many Gorgun sit on road. Many, many more than Bwana.
Eomer: How do you know that?
G-b-G: We count'em. How you think? Wildman wild, not stupid. I am great headman Ghan-buri-Ghan. Count many things. Know set theory, differential calculus and Drakes Equation. Count stars in sky and measure doppler shift. Count Bwana's men easy. Bwana have a score of scores counted ten times and five. Gorgun have more. Bwana ever hear of man name Custer?
Theoden: He's right by crackey! We cain't go a-chargin' on in neither. Our scouts say that they 'uz got pits and trenches and ever consarned thing you can think of a-blockin' the way.
Eomer: But Pa, what're we gonna do? Times a-wastin'!
(Silarien)
G-b-G: Let Ghan-buri-Ghan get word in edgeway. He know many road. He got mystic tracking skill, called in wild speech 'Satellite Navigation System'. He lead where no pit, toll, gridlock or gorgun. Stonehouse-folk built wide road, but then forgot it, duh. Wild men got better memory. Will show you way. Then you fight gorgun, and wild men go back to play 'Sonic' in wild wood.
Eomer: Y'all bleeve atnair?
Theoden: Hail if'n ahno.
Eomer: Weel?
Theoden: [putting on his best English] Alrighty, Ghan-buri-Ghan, uz'll risk the back roads. If'n'it turns out safe, uz'll be y'alls pals and bring y'alls gifts.
G-b-G: Wild men say 'don't count chickens'. Wild men not need beads and whisky. If tame men live to return, leave wild men in peace.
Eomer: How long'l it take to git to Din following y'alls.
G-b-G: From dawn to midday.
Eomer: [counting on fingers] That'd be five hours?
G-b-G: Seven.
Eomer: Right, seven. Better add a bit on for, ur, comfort breaks and the like. Let's say ten hours. What time is it now?
Theoden: [shrugs] Cain't tell in this constant darkness.
G-b-G: [Checks digital watch with dinky built-in light] When sun come out, even behind darkness, wild men sense her. She just about out now.
Eomer: Thanks.
G-b-G: You're welcome.
(Silarien and Idril)
Eomer: Weel, uz'll better have a bite to eat and then git movin'. Guessin' weel not git to Gondor's aid today. Ghan-Buri-Ghan, you wanna have somn' ta eat with us?
G-b-G: What does King have?
Theoden: Well we ain't got much variety... just some cheese sammiches.
G-b-G: Ghan-Buri-Ghan no like cheese. Ghan-Buri-Ghan eat cheese, he no poop many suns.
(Russ)
Odd Narrator: And so Merry slipped quietly away to prepare for the summons to march.
It was slow going at first as the slopes down to the hidden valley were thick with trees and shrubs...
Rider: Branch!
THWAAACK!
Next Rider: Um, thanks.
Odd narrator: And so it went, long into the day until at last, in the late afternoon the company passed out of the valley and set up camp under the cover of the grey trees.
Theoden: All right, y'all gather round here abouts so we c'n have us a pow-pow.
Eomer: Pa, if'n it's okay. I'monna send a couple a scouts over down yonder way to have a look see.
G-b-G: Bwana not need to go. Wildman use infra-red and radar satellite imaging. See all that can be seen. Count hair on Gorguns head. We wait for hard copy. Here come now.
[a short, squat carbon copy of Gahn-buri-Ghan appears silently out of the trees wearing a brown shirt and pants and carrying a package and a clipboard. G-b-G signs on the clipboard and receives the package.]
G-b-G: [opens package and removes camera and some papers]
Ghan-buri-Ghan want take snapshot for scrapbook. Bwanas get close together.
Eomer: Don't do it Pa! Them things'll steal your soul!
Theoden: Why you rascal! Tain't right to go 'round stealing souls! Put that there constrapulayshun away dadgummit!
G-b-G: Affirmative. Ghan-buri-Ghan putting away. Wildman not want to make'um bwana pee his pants. Come now, we see what data show on printout. [hands copies to Theoden.]
Theoden: Git them things away from me! Theys b'witched!
G-b-G: (sigh) Okay. Wildman look for bwana. Hmmm. Photo telemetry say many things. Proceed with caution, Enemy deployed in regimental strength about five clicks to the...
Theoden: (puzzeled look)
G-b-G: Um... Be wary! Heap many gorgun about an hour's walk ... yonder way. (gestures to the west)
But none to see between here and Stone folks new walls. Many busy there. Perimeter breached, gorgun not smart, spend all time knocking down wall, not looking behind them. Think friends got their backs! N'yuk! N'yuk! N'yuk!
Eomer: Heeeyaw! (slaps thigh) Now we're gittin' some whar! Furst they's own foul darkness's kep us hid all this time and now they got no more wall! We kin just a-sweep right on in and give what fer! Tore it down themselves did they? What yokels!
G-b-G: Ummm, yeah.
Theoden: Well Ghan-buri-Ghan, we thanks y'all a whole heap. if'n ya like, ya'll c'n take this here bottle a firewater. Made it m'self. Got m'own still back in Edoras don't'cha know.
G-b-G: No thanks bwana. Gahn-buri-Ghan drink zinfindel or maybe nice merlot. Not need fire water. Now go kill gorgun! Kill orc-folk, this make Wildmen happy! Drive away black darkness with antiquated iron-age technology!
Theoden: Yup, that there's the idea. But who knows what tomorrow will bring.
G-b-G: Bwana say-um mouthful! (bends down and touches his head to the ground in token of parting when suddenly a shrill "beeping" sound comes from his grass kilt. G-b-G reaches in and pull out a small black object which he puts to his ear.)
G-b-G: Meteorological advisory say barometer rising and...
Theoden: (puzzled look)
G-b-G: ... Um, Wind changing!
(exit G-b-G)
(Idril)
Eomer: Them's some strange folks ritare.
Theoden: But mighty neighborly.
Elfhelm: Ain't got nothin against no Woses, as long as they clean. Aiit! I recken we can find our way from here. Old Mundburg's just a hair over 20 miles South as the crow flies. We hook up with the road over yonder (points East) and there's some mighty fine ground for fast ridin 'tween there and the wall.
Eomer: You recken we oughta rest here a spell? I ain't partial to ridin' all day and then fightin' after dark. This here murk is bad enough.
Theoden: Attere's a good idea.
[A bit later]
Elfhelm: Y'all ain't asleep yet are ye? Scouts brought some disturbin' news. Looks like old Hirgon and his buddy got themselfs kilt... and he still had 'atare Red Arrow. Most likely they found a swarm o' orcs on the wall was headed back West... deskreshin being the better part o' valler and all.
Theoden: I be dog. Then they ain't got no word that we's comin'. I hope they ain't given up on us.
Eomer: Better late than never.
Elfhelm: I hope we ain't a day late and a dollar short.
Theoden: We'll get there when we get there.
Eomer: We will serve no wine before it's time.
[Theoden and Elfhelm stare at him]
Eomer: Uhhh... er sumpn like that.
Odd Narrator: In the pre-dawn hours the Riders moved quietly along the broad highway toward the Rammas. Dernhelm quietly left her... I mean his place among Elfhelm's company and moved up behind Theoden's household guard.
Household Guard: Oh hey E! Whatcha doin' here girl?
Eowyn: Shuuuush!
Household Guard: Oh, sorry. Yeah, your Uncle'd have a hissy fit if he knew you wuz here.
Eowyn: Bobbie Joe? Is that you?
Household Guard/Bobbie Joe: <chuckle> Yep. Like the stick-on beard? Pssst! Hey Sue Anne! Lookie who's here!
Sue Anne: Well I'll be dog if it ain't E. Who's at wicha?
Merry: It's Meriadoc Brandybuck at your service, ladies!
Several Ladies Voices: <snicker> I'll bet!
Eowyn: Now wait a minute. Just how many of you girls has sneaked off to this here battle?
Bobbie Joe: Oh, no more'n two score. We wouldn't have to sneak but your Uncle is mighty old fashioned and just terrible stuck in his ways.
Sue Anne: Ain't that a fact!
(merithehobbit)
Odd Narrator: As the company rode forward the king rode in the midst of the leading company, followed by Elfhlem's eored, then Eandro's eored, then Eoylang's eored, followed by Emungus' eored, Eeorge's eored, Erimload's eored... Do you think you could have used another letter other than E for everything?
Theoden: Well, E was a very popular letter that year... and there was a baby boom... you should hear the names of the year of the J!
Odd Narrator: Anyway, the King was joined by the Outted-riders.
First Outted-rider: Well, King Theoden, just a little report from the scouting parties... I don't know how they did it, but really those nasty Orcs have absolutely done a number on the fine walls of Minas Tirith. There is just flames everywhere. I am just sure to get a singe. And apparently there are just lots of bad guys everywhere focused on bringing down the city. It is just awful.
Theoden: How exactly did you get in my army again?
First Outted-rider: Don't ask, don't tell... ahem.
Second Outted-rider: Well, I am sure you remember the words of that wild man earlier?
Theoden: Ugh... another one... who are you now?
Second Outted-rider: Oh sire, [dashes his hand-teasingly] You know me... Widfara is my name, well, when we are at peace I love to spend the Summers up on the open Wold, and you know how nice it can be then... well, dear King sir... I noticed the air was changing too, and thought you'd like to know. That wild man had that witchcraft technology, but in my family our noses are some of the best in Middle Earth.
Theoden: You do have a rather, er... established nose there Widfara.
Widfara: Well, thank you sire, you are such a flatterer. Anyway, the wind has shifted and now it comes from the south. It smells like Tang. I just love that! Well, you know good things are coming up if the wind is coming up from the Tang manufacturers in the South. The morning will come and bring new things. Above the stench of blood, sweat, tears and rotting bodies the scent of Tang alone should give us the upper hand... the enemy hates the sweet smell of Tang.
Theoden: Well spoken Widfara, and if you live past this day may the bounty of many years of the taste of Tang rest upon you and your established nose!
Widfara: [blush]
Theoden: [turning to the company] Now is the time of Pep-Rally! The hour is come! Foes and Fire are before you, hot babes and farming behind... you may fight on a field that is foreign, but the glory you reap there will be yours! You have taken up an oath to fight, now lets go to an Orc Smackdown!
Men of the Eoreds: YAY! Clash swords to shields.
Sue Anne: Ow... that was my new manicure.
Bobby Joe: Quick honey, here's my file... fix that snaggly thing before you poke an eye out...
Sue Anne: No dearie... it's just a new weapon now!
Theoden: All rightie... Eomer, you lead the first eored... move just over [men start shifting]... there... yup perfect... just behind the King's Banner, now that looks grand... then, Elfhlem you take your guys over to the right when we pass the wall, and Grimbold... Hey Odd Narrator! See they aren't all named with an E.
Grimbold: Actually, my first name is Eomer, but it gets confusing... so they call me Grimbold... kus I'm grim, and I'm bold... pretty unique huh?
Theoden: Well, whatever... Grim... take the left side and all you other E companies just bring up the rear where ya look necessary. Whatever you do... kill the bad guys, don't kill the good guys in front of ya... kay? Especially you bowmen in those back companies... watch where you're shootin... only shoot at the guys killing us in our matching uniforms...
Bowmen from the back: Hey, do you think we're idjuts? We know what we're doing...
A few men, joined by all: Let's go... go... go... go... go... GO... GO... GO... GO... GO... GO... GO... GO... GOGO... GO... GO... GOGO... GO... GO... GOOOOOOOOOO ROHAN! [spears clash again]
Bobby Joe: [snicker] Nuff Testosterone for ya?
Sue Anne: [giggle] Oh YEA!
(Idril)
Odd Narrator: The Riders started off as quickly as they dared, not having invented headlights or brake-lights yet. Suddenly Merry wondered what in hell he was doing there.
Merry: It seemed like such a good idea at the time! Oh well... might as well pull out my sword... no wait, that's Eowyn's nail file. Oh shoot, I'm gonna fall off and get squashed like a bug!
Odd Narrator: They soon reached the Rammas, and sure enough, it had been pulled down.
Orcs: Hey, who the heck are you g-
Riders: Huuah!
Orcs: Ow! [die]
Odd Narrator: The king paused at the ruins of the gate and the Riders got their first glimpse of the battlefield. Lines of fire blazed around the city, otherwise all was dark. They passed the rubble of the gates and looked around.
Theoden: They aint' givin' us much of a welcome air they?
Eomer: You'd think we weren't invited to this shindig. Elfhelm, did you brang our invitation?
Elfhelm: No Sir! I thought Grimbold had it.
Grimbold: Durn! I left it in my other shirt.
Eomer: I recken we'll have to sneak in, then.
Theoden: Well let's go to the left of all them fires. We'll have more elbow room out that way.
[They ride on for a few miles. Then Theoden stops and stares at the city.]
Eomer: Holy #$&%!
Horses: Creepy stuff! We wanna go home!
Sue Anne: I got a bad feelin' about this!
Merry: Must be one of those stupid Nazgul! I hate those things! Oh the city looks like it's in deep doo doo... are we too late?
Theoden: <SIGH>
Merry: Hey, what's that? Nice breeze!
Widfara: Told ya. Oh that's nice, I can see my hand in front of my face now.
Grond: SMASH!!
Weird Lightning: CRASH!!
Eomer: Holy #$&%! Oh wait, I said that already.
Theoden: Hooowee! We'd best get crackin'! Looks like they need us to serve the punch!
Bobbie Joe: <SNORK> Serve the punch... at's a good 'un!
Theoden:
Arise! Arise! Theoden's Boys!
This is our day! It's high time for fightin'
There's a whole army out there that all needs killin'
Grab holt a your spears, keep your shields up!
We'll show them Gondorian Boys how it's done!
Here, hand me a horn... [ROOTY-TOOT-TOOTY-TOOT-TOOT!] [BLAT! SPLUTTER]
Guthlaf: Oh shoot! You busted it. That was my good horn, too.
A Bazillion Horns: [ROOTY-TOOT-TOOTY-TOOT-TOOT!]
Merry: Pancakes... why am I hungry for pancakes?
Theoden: Lets RIDE! [Starts off at a gallop]
Riders: RIDE! [All start off at a gallop]
Eomer: Uncle! Wait up! Sheesh! He oughtn't go off on his own like that... consarned fast Snowmane! Let's catch him boys!
Odd Narrator: Eomer's boys... I mean Eored thundered after the king, but couldn't catch him. Theoden out-raced all his years and worries and it seemed like the wind of Snowmane's passage blew away the darkness. Damn, He looks fine out there! He's got that gold shield going and everything! Who'da thought it?
Orcs: What the &#$&* is that? [SQUEAL!] [die]
Riders: [slaughter slaughter trample]
More orcs: Run away! Run away! [trip] Ow! [squish]
Riders: (singing with joy) Ninety nine thousand orcs on a field, ninety nine thousand orcs. Smack some down and squash 'em in the ground, ninety eight thousand orcs on a field!